“I acknowledge the advantages of monogamy,” Savage told me, “when it comes to sexual safety, infections, emotional safety, paternity assurances. But people in monogamous relationships have to be willing to meet me a quarter of the way and acknowledge the drawbacks of monogamy around boredom, despair, lack of variety, sexual death and being taken for granted.”
“The mistake that straight people made,” Savage told me, “was imposing the monogamous expectation on men. Men were never expected to be monogamous. Men had concubines, mistresses and access to prostitutes, until everybody decided marriage had to be egalitar ian and fairsey.” In the feminist revolution, rather than extending to women “the same latitude and license and pressure-release valve that men had always enjoyed,” we extended to men the confines women had always endured. “And it’s been a disaster for marriage.”
According to the DSM, "Paraphilias are almost never diagnosed in females,"
Ashley801: I think this has taught a generation of young women (and their sexual partners) that what they want isn't what's important here at all. That unless they give into all sorts of things that make them upset, make them uncomfortable, that they don't want, then they are horrible selfish unworthy-of-a-relationship people.
Afroblanco: Okay, and the winner in the Wild Accusations about Dan Savage contest is.... Seriously, though? If you're going to say things like this, why not give us some evidence? The entirety of his ouvre is online and there for the linking.
I could link his "oeuvre" all day to give examples of this, but I'll start with this one:
He's guilt tripping a woman into putting out sexually, in a situation that has the potential to make her feel physically sick, violated, or traumatized -- and advises that she should just get herself drunk if that's what she needs to get through it. Despite the fact that she had already lt clearly already gone way above and beyond as a partner -- e.g. MANUALLY assisting him to use the bathroom ... and speaking strictly statistically, men are far more likely to leave a diseased/disabled spouse than women in the first place, before they have to do *any* actual caretaking. It's his whole idea of women being obligated to sexually please male partners no matter what it does to them, or they are selfish and shirking their rightful duties.
After a few years of [being my MS-stricken husband's full time caregiver] it became clear that the disease had progressed to the point where I could no longer care for him at home. And we made the gut-wrenching decision to move him to a nursing home.
This was a year ago. Although, he is safe and well-cared for, I still have some serious guilt-issues about this. But I have admit—I kind of feel reborn. I can work. I can go out. I can have friends. I CAN HAVE SEX. Fabulous, fun, spontaneous, life-affirming SEX. I literally forgot it could be this way. It feels wonderful that I can do these things but horrible that he can't. And here's the big problem: lately he has been asking me to let him use his mouth on me. He wants me to sit on his face. I've been able to demure up to this point, but he's being pretty persistant. And I just have NO interest in doing that. I don't see him in a sexual way at all. After years of being his caregiver, the thought of being sexual with him almost feels like the thought of being sexual with a child. Thinking about it makes me feel depressed and I hate to say it but... kinda sick. But how can I deny him a pleasure when he has so few? Am I being a selfish bitch? I don't see anyway to refuse him without hurting him but... I can't imagine doing what he asks. Can you help?
You may not see him in a sexual way anymore, MSS, but he is still a sexual being, and he still sees you in a sexual way (obviously), and he still has needs and desires—you know, kinda like you do. But unlike you, MSS, he doesn't have the option of jumping out of bed and running off to have fun, spontaneous, life-affirming sex with someone else. You are all he's got, the only sexual option he has between now and oblivion, you gotta come through for him.
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