Fingerprint scanner to spot the living dead
July 25, 2011 9:44 AM Subscribe
Zombie proof your doors IF AN invading zombie army is staggering towards your front door, don't worry: a fingerprint-activated door lock could save your bacon. That's because one group of researchers has worked out how a biometric scanner can keep the undead at bay. Fingerprint scanner to spot the living dead
In NewScientist 25 July 2011 by Paul Marks
Sadly, my in-laws have learned how to use a doorknob.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:47 AM on July 25, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:47 AM on July 25, 2011 [4 favorites]
What if you are trying to open the door in November? Your ttrembling white bloodless fingers stubbornly refuse to absorb light at 550 nanometers, the freezing rain soaks you to the bone while the undead advance slowly but relentlessly...
posted by hat_eater at 9:55 AM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by hat_eater at 9:55 AM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Zombie Research Society : What you don't know can eat you
posted by jeffburdges at 9:57 AM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by jeffburdges at 9:57 AM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
Don't look at the zombies, absorb light at 550 nanometers. Don't look at the zombies, absorb light at 550 nanometers.
posted by Naberius at 10:03 AM on July 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Naberius at 10:03 AM on July 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
well, you know, as soon as you secure the doors, they just start coming in through the windows...
posted by sexyrobot at 10:28 AM on July 25, 2011
posted by sexyrobot at 10:28 AM on July 25, 2011
Obviously, this is why you have an apartment on the second floor and you destroy the stairs.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:29 AM on July 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by shakespeherian at 10:29 AM on July 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
Zombies can't even use doorknobs. It's just the combined mass of "human"ity that finally crushes the door down.
posted by DU at 10:34 AM on July 25, 2011
posted by DU at 10:34 AM on July 25, 2011
Does this run on electricity? Because if it does, I already see a problem.
posted by Malice at 10:37 AM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Malice at 10:37 AM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
If only they had expanded this technology to retinal scanners, Simon Phoenix wouldn't have escaped from cryoprison.
posted by brundlefly at 10:40 AM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by brundlefly at 10:40 AM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
Obviously, this is why you have an apartment on the second floor and you destroy the stairs.
And if you get cornered, bash 'em in the head, that seems to work. Ow.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:48 AM on July 25, 2011
And if you get cornered, bash 'em in the head, that seems to work. Ow.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:48 AM on July 25, 2011
If only they had expanded this technology to retinal scanners, Simon Phoenix wouldn't have escaped from cryoprison.
And the world would've been spared one of the worser movies it's had to endure.
posted by Mister_A at 11:02 AM on July 25, 2011
And the world would've been spared one of the worser movies it's had to endure.
posted by Mister_A at 11:02 AM on July 25, 2011
Hey, eyeballs! This link contains the word "zombies"!
posted by Eideteker at 11:04 AM on July 25, 2011
posted by Eideteker at 11:04 AM on July 25, 2011
Ever since I became a home owner I've been tracing over and over in my head the best strategies for how to deal with a zombie attack. It always ends with us trapped in the attic crawlspace and eventually eaten in the dark. Too many damn windows - fucking Arts and Crafts architects...
posted by charred husk at 11:32 AM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by charred husk at 11:32 AM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
Mister_A: "And the world would've been spared one of the worser movies it's had to endure."
Harrumph. You're just bitter because you don't understand the sea shells.
posted by brundlefly at 11:39 AM on July 25, 2011
Harrumph. You're just bitter because you don't understand the sea shells.
posted by brundlefly at 11:39 AM on July 25, 2011
... a fingerprint-activated door lock could save your bacon
Zombies eat bacon?
posted by tizzie at 11:50 AM on July 25, 2011
Zombies eat bacon?
posted by tizzie at 11:50 AM on July 25, 2011
Too many damn windows - fucking Arts and Crafts architects...
This is what you need. No scanner necessary.
posted by hat_eater at 11:52 AM on July 25, 2011
This is what you need. No scanner necessary.
posted by hat_eater at 11:52 AM on July 25, 2011
Ever since I became a home owner I've been tracing over and over in my head the best strategies for how to deal with a zombie attack
Well first things first you gotta destroy the stairs, I'm on the 11th floor so baring either zombies in other apartments or zombies on the fire escape, I feel pretty good about my chances. Block off the stairs (there are too many stairs) and work upward until you reach the roof, secure room down to 11 (only five stories) and take on survivors, check for bites, keep the barricade secure and pool the resources of the apartments (fresh water will be hardest but roof/rainwater, what ever remains in the tank etc. It comes down how quickly the zombies come, where I'm at when it happens, have any advance warning-etc but there are worse places to be then a high-floor apartment building.
Not that i've thought about this at all.
posted by The Whelk at 12:09 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
(Standard Policy is: Do Not Engage The Zombies. They will starve to death eventually. You just have to out-last them and not let internal dynamics tore your group apart. Oh and yes you are totally looting apartments for pills and food and putting pets of their misery)
posted by The Whelk at 12:16 PM on July 25, 2011
posted by The Whelk at 12:16 PM on July 25, 2011
for pills and food and putting pets [out] of their misery
Don't want to do that until you run out of dog food. Pets, in a zombie emergency, are great watchcritters. And, when their food runs low, you can eat them.
If it's a matter of outlasting the zombies, yes, eating Fido would be a _very_ good idea.
posted by Malor at 12:33 PM on July 25, 2011
Don't want to do that until you run out of dog food. Pets, in a zombie emergency, are great watchcritters. And, when their food runs low, you can eat them.
If it's a matter of outlasting the zombies, yes, eating Fido would be a _very_ good idea.
posted by Malor at 12:33 PM on July 25, 2011
Depends on the Dog honestly, watch critters and the like - World War Z has a few good dog-outsmarting-zombies scenes.
posted by The Whelk at 12:37 PM on July 25, 2011
posted by The Whelk at 12:37 PM on July 25, 2011
Do Not Engage The Zombies. They will starve to death eventually.
What?
No they won't.
They are the un-dead. They don't starve. They hunger. Forever.
You blow their heads off or set them on fire or somehow reduce them to paste with a woodchipper or jet turbine or some form of industrial shredding device. You can't outwait them. They aren't going anywhere. Unless you destroy them or distract them.
(And while you're looting those apartments, keep an eye out for styrofoam -- dissolved in gasoline, it makes a most useful napalm-like jellied incendiary. Fill a plastic container, light, and drop from a window onto a crowd of zombies. If you're lucky, splash damage will catch quite a few on fire, and they'll then spread that fire to others nearby.)
But if zombies dont generate heat, since they are already dead, then the best tactic is to just freeze them. Wait for winter and get the firehouses out.
Or, you know, just move far enough north that they become a minor seasonal threat.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 12:44 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
What?
No they won't.
They are the un-dead. They don't starve. They hunger. Forever.
You blow their heads off or set them on fire or somehow reduce them to paste with a woodchipper or jet turbine or some form of industrial shredding device. You can't outwait them. They aren't going anywhere. Unless you destroy them or distract them.
(And while you're looting those apartments, keep an eye out for styrofoam -- dissolved in gasoline, it makes a most useful napalm-like jellied incendiary. Fill a plastic container, light, and drop from a window onto a crowd of zombies. If you're lucky, splash damage will catch quite a few on fire, and they'll then spread that fire to others nearby.)
But if zombies dont generate heat, since they are already dead, then the best tactic is to just freeze them. Wait for winter and get the firehouses out.
Or, you know, just move far enough north that they become a minor seasonal threat.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 12:44 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
You had to bring un-dead eternal hunger into my totally rational and realistic discussion about becoming King Of The Upper Half Of The Building.
(Cue shot of me in the future screaming GOODAMNED YUPPIES EVERYTHING IS ALL NATURAL UNBLEACHED ORGANIC COTTON YOU CAN'T MAKE A BOMB OUT OF ETHICALLY HARVESTED WOOD AND SUSTAINABLE PIXIE FARTS!)
posted by The Whelk at 12:48 PM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
(Cue shot of me in the future screaming GOODAMNED YUPPIES EVERYTHING IS ALL NATURAL UNBLEACHED ORGANIC COTTON YOU CAN'T MAKE A BOMB OUT OF ETHICALLY HARVESTED WOOD AND SUSTAINABLE PIXIE FARTS!)
posted by The Whelk at 12:48 PM on July 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
The best zombi survival strategy I have heard is basically: Boat. Have or steal a boat. Bring supplies. Helps if you have a motorcycle onboard for inland supply trips. But fish and rainwater can go a long way towards keeping you alive.
posted by Eideteker at 12:59 PM on July 25, 2011
posted by Eideteker at 12:59 PM on July 25, 2011
until the zombies get on the boat and then you have FLOATING DEATHTRAP GOOD SIR
posted by The Whelk at 12:59 PM on July 25, 2011
posted by The Whelk at 12:59 PM on July 25, 2011
Actually no, my In Case Of Zombie Outbreak 1st choice will be forever this
posted by The Whelk at 1:02 PM on July 25, 2011
posted by The Whelk at 1:02 PM on July 25, 2011
I mean you can theoretically outlast the zombies because they'll eventually rot away to nothingness, but that's a considerably longer timeframe.
posted by shakespeherian at 1:04 PM on July 25, 2011
posted by shakespeherian at 1:04 PM on July 25, 2011
You can all laugh it up, but this does address a real problem. If the stuff in your house is worth biometric-ID-level security, it may also be worth grabbing you while you're out and about and cutting off one of your thumbs.
posted by mhoye at 1:53 PM on July 25, 2011
posted by mhoye at 1:53 PM on July 25, 2011
After all these years of fighting it, I've decided to go a different route; first chance, I'm joining the fucking zombies. Hell, maybe they'll make me their king.
Eventually, all of you will join us as well.
And we will devour the earth.
posted by quin at 1:56 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Eventually, all of you will join us as well.
And we will devour the earth.
posted by quin at 1:56 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
There was an excellent zombie story anthology ( shut up) that had someone pretending to be a zombie in order to survive.
It didn't go well.
posted by The Whelk at 2:02 PM on July 25, 2011
It didn't go well.
posted by The Whelk at 2:02 PM on July 25, 2011
I'm king of the world! *Arms and jaw fall off over prow of boat*
posted by Babblesort at 2:03 PM on July 25, 2011
posted by Babblesort at 2:03 PM on July 25, 2011
Interesting development, but OP, next time perhaps less copy-paste for the description? This is OUR TOWN.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 6:22 PM on July 25, 2011
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 6:22 PM on July 25, 2011
Back whe I was writing a Zombie Story before everyone became Sick Of Zombie stories and it had to be SOMETHING ELSE I used my own building as a guide, well how long does it take for water to go out, gas, etc. The Works was my reference guide and I came away thinking yes, there are worse places to be then almost alone in a high-rise.
Of course the currency of this world was antibiotics and Xanax so....
posted by The Whelk at 8:21 PM on July 25, 2011
Of course the currency of this world was antibiotics and Xanax so....
posted by The Whelk at 8:21 PM on July 25, 2011
The best zombi survival strategy I have heard is basically: Boat
Two words for you: Zombie porpoises. And if zombiïsm can cross phyla, then zombie giant squid.
posted by hattifattener at 9:12 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Two words for you: Zombie porpoises. And if zombiïsm can cross phyla, then zombie giant squid.
posted by hattifattener at 9:12 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm not sharing my zombie survival strategy with pretty much anyone as I don't want to end up with more people than it can handle.
However, I'm tempted go pm it to The Whelk as it sounds like he would be able to offer some good feedback and critique of weak points. And since we are on oposite sides of the country, I doubt they would be able to interfere with my action plan :)
posted by HMSSM at 9:21 PM on July 25, 2011
However, I'm tempted go pm it to The Whelk as it sounds like he would be able to offer some good feedback and critique of weak points. And since we are on oposite sides of the country, I doubt they would be able to interfere with my action plan :)
posted by HMSSM at 9:21 PM on July 25, 2011
Two words for you: Zombie porpoises. And if zombiïsm can cross phyla, then zombie giant squid.
ZOMBIE MEGALODON VERSUS RATHER LARGE VAMPIRE VAMPIROTEUTHIS
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:14 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
ZOMBIE MEGALODON VERSUS RATHER LARGE VAMPIRE VAMPIROTEUTHIS
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:14 PM on July 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
ROU_Xenophobe: "
ZOMBIE MEGALODON VERSUS RATHER LARGE VAMPIRE VAMPIROTEUTHIS"
Cool. Can't wait to catch this on SyFy.
posted by charred husk at 6:18 AM on July 26, 2011
ZOMBIE MEGALODON VERSUS RATHER LARGE VAMPIRE VAMPIROTEUTHIS"
Cool. Can't wait to catch this on SyFy.
posted by charred husk at 6:18 AM on July 26, 2011
They are the un-dead. They don't starve. They hunger. Forever.
That depends on what theory of zombie apocalypse you ascribe to. If it's just your average spooky supernatural "dead people coming back to life" hocus pocus, then sure, that's no good. But there's also the "super-rabies" theory, where the zombies are actually alive but basically just crazy people who no longer have control over themselves, THOSE zombies you can certainly out-wait (and also, hopefully they will freeze to death in the winter, so, you know, yay for that if you're in a cold climate).
posted by antifuse at 11:31 AM on July 28, 2011
That depends on what theory of zombie apocalypse you ascribe to. If it's just your average spooky supernatural "dead people coming back to life" hocus pocus, then sure, that's no good. But there's also the "super-rabies" theory, where the zombies are actually alive but basically just crazy people who no longer have control over themselves, THOSE zombies you can certainly out-wait (and also, hopefully they will freeze to death in the winter, so, you know, yay for that if you're in a cold climate).
posted by antifuse at 11:31 AM on July 28, 2011
Zombie porpoises. And if zombiïsm can cross phyla, then zombie giant squid.
WRITE. THIS. NOW.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:37 PM on July 28, 2011
WRITE. THIS. NOW.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:37 PM on July 28, 2011
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posted by ghharr at 9:47 AM on July 25, 2011 [9 favorites]