shoot ... there goes daddy

July 31, 2011 2:10 PM

Holy Smoke - "The process of having cremated ash placed in live ammunition begins when you contact us. You tell us what type of hunting or shooting that the decedent practiced and we can help you decide what will best suit your needs....1 Pound of ash is enough to produce 250 shotshells."
posted by madamjujujive (46 comments total)

The essential Saltes of Animals may be so prepared and preserved, that an ingenious Man may have the whole Ark of Noah in his own Studie, and raise the fine Shape of an Animal out of its Ashes at his Pleasure; and by the lyke Method from the essential Saltes of humane Dust, a Philosopher may, without any criminal Necromancy, call up the Shape of any dead Ancestour from the Dust whereinto his Bodie has been incinerated.

- Borellus

posted by clockworkjoe at 2:13 PM on July 31, 2011 [4 favorites]

" I will rest in peace knowing that the last thing that one turkey will see is me, screaming at him at about 900 feet per second."

Some people are so easy to please...
posted by tomswift at 2:15 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

What an explosive issue.
posted by Salvor Hardin at 2:17 PM on July 31, 2011

Everything's a fuckin' travesty with you, man!
posted by crayz at 2:21 PM on July 31, 2011 [6 favorites]

Oh sure, snark away, but you're going to be sorry when you aren't invited to my awesome funeral/skeet shoot.
posted by dubold at 2:27 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

Hunter S. Thompson would be pleased. Or outraged. Or both.
posted by loquacious at 2:31 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

Oh, he'd think it was fucking hilarious, I'm sure.
posted by adamdschneider at 2:56 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

I would love to know this was going to happen to my ashes after I die.

I'm not a gun person per se, but being put into bullets? That's just awesome, especially if someone had killed me and one of my bullets killed them.
posted by elder18 at 3:12 PM on July 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

Remember, guns don't kill people, people who have been made into bullets kill people.
posted by briank at 3:13 PM on July 31, 2011 [14 favorites]

It's called "passing it on", "it" being Death.
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:18 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

They have to work this into a CSI episode somehow.
posted by XMLicious at 3:19 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

On a similar theme, I have a neighbor whose ashes should be mixed into a batch of methamphetamine.

Heck, my ashes probably should be mixed into a batch of Mcdonalds ground beef (only because In-N-Out would probably never go for it).
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:24 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

This was in Douglas Coupland's JPod. Well, it was in the CBC adaptation of said book at least, which is worth watching for Alan Thicke alone.
posted by Lorin at 3:25 PM on July 31, 2011

Heck, my ashes probably should be mixed into a batch of Mcdonalds ground beef

Why even be ashes first? I'm sure you'd make a fine hamburger!
posted by Malice at 3:52 PM on July 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

Or.. peopleburger.
posted by Malice at 3:53 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

I think this is really awesome. If someone wants to be made into ammunition for hunting, and someone is going to be hunting anyway, I think it's a nice way to honor that person.
posted by Malice at 3:55 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

Alabama in 2011. STILL an embarrassment of a state.
posted by ReeMonster at 4:00 PM on July 31, 2011

I thought this was about Ash Wednesday ash. I may be watching too much Supernatural. They had to do something just like this last season.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 4:00 PM on July 31, 2011

Pay it Forward, indeed.
posted by Senator at 4:16 PM on July 31, 2011

"When life begins to be one long and dangerous road, I take a toke and all my cares go up in smoke..."
posted by crunchland at 4:18 PM on July 31, 2011

Why even be ashes first? I'm sure you'd make a fine hamburger!
posted by Malice at 6:52 PM on July 31 [+] [!]

Silly wabbit everyone knows Soylent Green is people.
posted by Gungho at 4:35 PM on July 31, 2011

"Use my nitrogen wisely when I am gone..."
posted by graftole at 4:54 PM on July 31, 2011

Surely this is redundant. There's already a way to combine someone with a bullet at the point of death.
posted by pmcp at 5:31 PM on July 31, 2011

Yo dawg, I heard you liked shooting people - so I put people inside your bullets so you can shoot people with people...

or something
posted by JustAsItSounds at 5:35 PM on July 31, 2011 [5 favorites]

Poor Jed. He's just a shell of his ol' self.

Are you kidding? Look at his guns!

rim shot
posted by Benny Andajetz at 5:43 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

I wonder if they'll make me a batch filled with ashes from The One True Cross.

You know--for vampires and stuff.
posted by sourwookie at 6:41 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

Why even be ashes first? I'm sure you'd make a fine hamburger!

Or.. peopleburger.

I believe it's "long ham" burger.
posted by codswallop at 6:46 PM on July 31, 2011

It really is a fun idea. If I didn't already have the Fighting Tong Funeral planned, I'd love to be packaged up with random bismuth shot. Have hunters check the lot number to see if "Uncle Graftole" was there on the hunt. Get a facebook page set up with geolocation to mark where I ended up.

Death sucks, and this could make a pretty awesome game out of it. Hell, have the "estate" (chuckle) be part in trust for "best trophy with Graftole ammo".

One way for *someone* to remember, that's for sure.

Get my nitrates and carbon in some .300BLK, let's see who claims the prize =).
posted by graftole at 6:53 PM on July 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

You can have my cold dead hands when you prise 'em from my gun
posted by flabdablet at 6:54 PM on July 31, 2011

Human-canonballing your way into the afterlife.
posted by blue_beetle at 7:02 PM on July 31, 2011

Shoot, I think this would be trigger a firestorm amongst safety nuts. This website contains plenty of ammunition for shooting-down the idea.
posted by blue_beetle at 7:07 PM on July 31, 2011

We can't all go out with a bang, but we might make a bang afterwards...
posted by graftole at 7:08 PM on July 31, 2011

"PULL"
posted by clavdivs at 7:09 PM on July 31, 2011

clockworkjoe: "Do not call up any which ye can not put down."

Also... combine the two concepts and you get a necromancy shotgun that fires dust that is transformed by strange and eldritch runes engraved upon the barrel, into whatever animal or person you rendered into the shell.
posted by Grimgrin at 8:20 PM on July 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

Now you can truly be a son of a gun.
posted by azpenguin at 8:38 PM on July 31, 2011

I think of Judge Holden from Blood Meridian "kneading the mass with his naked arms" making gunpowder from ash and urine and bat-shit.
posted by Smedleyman at 9:54 PM on July 31, 2011

Not something/someone I'd put through any gun I cared about much. Probably would be a bitch to clean, so to speak, 49.5% of the time.
posted by paulsc at 10:16 PM on July 31, 2011

Well as Matthew said in the Bible: He who lives by the gun, gets blasted into the afterlife by the gun ...or something like that.
posted by fairmettle at 10:18 PM on July 31, 2011

This needs to be a ritual in Unknown Armies, but it feels more like primitive old-magic than postmodern magic.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 10:24 PM on July 31, 2011

Oh I misread the post as: the type of hunting or shooting that the decadent practiced

It made more sense to me the first time.
posted by multivalent at 3:43 AM on August 1, 2011

Personally, I prefer diamonds. I plan to have my ashes become the wedding ring of my husband's next wife. Keep your friends and family close and all that...
posted by jadepearl at 7:42 AM on August 1, 2011

Oddly enough, I read that first as what type of hunting the "decadent" practiced... and found it didn't make a whit of difference in how I read the story.
posted by Mike D at 8:00 AM on August 1, 2011

For the record, multivalent and I are not the same person.
posted by Mike D at 8:01 AM on August 1, 2011

I may be watching too much Supernatural. They had to do something just like this last season.

Ooh! Ooh! With the ashes of the Phoenix (which they had to travel through time for) and the Mother of All and the Jefferson Starships....

...and I am such a sad little fangirl. Heh.
posted by Salieri at 3:32 PM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

Ooh! Ooh! With the ashes of the Phoenix (which they had to travel through time for) and the Mother of All and the Jefferson Starships....

According to the OP, "1 Pound of ash is enough to produce 250 shotshells". Which would sorta removed the tension from that scene in the diner...

(I haven't finished the full season yet, so...)
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 4:25 PM on August 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

Best part of this scheme? The customer never knows what the hell's really in the bullets/shells.

Customer: Here's my Elmer's ashes... could you put him in some nice 20-gauge shells?
Holy Smoke: Only the finest shells for your dear Elmer's ashes, Madam.

Customer exits the store. Holy Smoke employee tosses the bag of Elmer's ashes into the trash bin with a chuckle.

Three days later:
Customer: I got a call saying my Elmer shells are ready?
Holy Smoke (handing her a box of garden-variety shells): Indeed, madam, here they are. Handled with the utmost care and reverence. Don't shoot him all at once!

Cha-CHING!
posted by Rykey at 5:59 PM on August 1, 2011