The luxury vehicle of choice... for the Apocalypse

September 19, 2011 2:22 PM

The Knight XV from Conquest Vehicles: For when you absolutely, positively need a luxury ride that can withstand the Apocalypse. With a limited production run of only 100 vehicles, this luxury armored SUV - inspired by the Gurkha military vehicle - costs a paltry $310,000 USD; its nearest competitor, the Dartz Pombron, has no base price listed (estimated cost: $1.5 million USD).

Comes standard with the following luxury appointments (highlights included below; see brochure link for complete list):
* Wilton Wool carpeting
* ultrasuede interior
* 6-way cabin seating crafted from Andrew Muirhead leather
* Alpine CD/DVD/AM/FM sound, navigation and bluetooth equipment
* PathFindIR thermal imaging camera equipment
* roof mounted dual search spotlights (joystick controlled)
* transparent thermal tinted armored glass throughout
* Hutchinson Ballistic run-flat tires, a roof-mounted rearview camera
* high-strength steel armor body construction
* a protective firewall between the driver and passenger compartments

Some of the optional upgrades listed in the Knight XV's brochure include:

* Retractable flat-screen TVs
* Siren, 2-way PA system/loudspeaker and/or external intercom communication system
* Playstation 3/Xbox integrated gaming system
* Electrostatic tinting
* hidden front VIP strobe lights
* VIP upgrade package: decanter bar, cooler box, cigar humidor
* Under-vehicle explosion protection system
* Under-vehicle magnetic attachment detector
* Black box (just like commercial planes)
* Exterior surveillance camera system
* Positive pressure defense system against gas attacks (including solid, liquid and gaseous contaminants)
* 30-minute oxygen survival kit
* right-hand drive conversion kit (no matter where you live, they'll make sure you can drive it!)
* Trac Vision Satellite Dish System
* Electromagnetic Pulse Defense System
* engine conversion to run on diesel/biodiesel: $25,000 USD


And if you don't like SUVs, but want something that's just as secure (and can tow your yacht)? Try the Dartz Pombron Nagel; the brainchild of Swedish luxury vehicle designer Eduard Gray, the Nagel's engine boasts a whopping 2,000 HP.

For those with a sense of humor and money to burn, might I suggest the Dartz Pombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition? It comes with whale penis leather interior and gold-plated bulletproof windows, three bottles of RussoBaltique Vodka, a sprinkling of diamonds, rubies and white gold -- and anything else you can think of, really.

posted by Unicorn on the cob (56 comments total)

/me squints and tries to make out the infra-pink lizard emblems.
posted by oonh at 2:30 PM on September 19, 2011 [4 favorites]

I'm pretty certain that for $1.5 million you can get any sort of car your want made. This is just an example. Infinite diversity in infinite combinations.
posted by blue_beetle at 2:30 PM on September 19, 2011 [2 favorites]

This thing is like missile defense systems to mutually assured destruction; it's upping the ante and throwing everything out of equilibrium. If one drove by, how could you not be compelled to throw rocks and stuff at it to register your disapproval?
posted by Hoopo at 2:31 PM on September 19, 2011 [2 favorites]

I guess I'm suspicious. I'm in no way a security expert, but "sunroof" and "keyless remote door opening" sound like active security problems rather than benefits. Oh, and the humidor, or course.
posted by cromagnon at 2:34 PM on September 19, 2011

The primary purpose of that vehicle seems to be to have the perfect location in which to make out with Putin.
posted by elizardbits at 2:34 PM on September 19, 2011 [6 favorites]

Try the Dartz Pombron Nagel; the brainchild of Swedish luxury vehicle designer Eduard Gray designed by Lucius Fox of WayneTech Enterprises.
posted by T.D. Strange at 2:36 PM on September 19, 2011 [3 favorites]

Alpine CD/DVD/AM/FM sound, navigation and bluetooth equipment

No Blu-ray? Tsk tsk. Though I guess the optional integrated PS3 could take care of that. Is there mobile Internet connectivity in that thing? I don't care how luxurious and well-protected it is, if I don't have live achievements/trophy syncing, no sale.

* Black box (just like commercial planes)

What? If I'm buying an impregnable mobile gas-guzzler, I sure as hell don't plan on needing a black box. You might as well put life boats on the Titanic.
posted by kmz at 2:39 PM on September 19, 2011

I always wanted a Lambo LM002, with rear deck mounted machine gun.
posted by nomisxid at 2:40 PM on September 19, 2011

for my $1.5 million i'm having a car done out of solid mud, 1 inch in diameter and 400 yards tall, covered in genuine artificial monkey fur. not too practical, but unique, and it expresses my individuality.
posted by facetious at 2:41 PM on September 19, 2011 [8 favorites]

what do carpeting and suede have to do with an apocalypse
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 2:44 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

covered in genuine artificial monkey fur.

With $122,000 optional genuine organic artificial monkey fur.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 2:45 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

Everyone knows that in a zombie apocalypse you need a tracked vehicle. Can't you get a T-72 in this price range?
posted by a robot made out of meat at 2:46 PM on September 19, 2011

The primary purpose of that vehicle seems to be to have the perfect location in which to make out with Putin.

Still having those dreams, eh?
posted by villanelles at dawn at 2:46 PM on September 19, 2011

Oh sure, it's big, it's black, it looks like something GI Joe (or more likely Cobra) would drive, but lets face it, it's unrealistic.

A better option is to go and get yourself a dumptruck, spend a few hundred dollars welding steel over the cab and doors, throw on some run-flats, and a cow-catcher ramming accessory, get the loudest sound-system you can lay your hands on, and then fill the back with guns, ammo, food, and liquor.

You probably won't last as long as you would in the very expensive Knight XV, but I can almost promise you that you'll have a lot more fun.
posted by quin at 2:47 PM on September 19, 2011 [5 favorites]

Everyone knows that in a zombie apocalypse you need a tracked vehicle. Can't you get a T-72 in this price range?

Zombie Survival Guide says bike.
posted by Hoopo at 2:48 PM on September 19, 2011

Still having those dreams, eh?

It's the combination of that puppy-cuddling photo and the cracker gif that did it.
posted by elizardbits at 2:50 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

I always wanted a Lambo LM002,

True story: Many years ago, when I was still a young, obnoxious looking punk, my buddy and I were walking out of a Blockbusters, and some guy in a rush pushes past us to get inside.

We shrug it off and continue out to our car, only to see an LM002 sitting idling at the curb with the door open and the engine running.

My friend and I look at one another, and then look around to see if we are on some sort of hidden camera show, because seriously, who the fuck is going to leave their expensive, unstoppable war wagon in steal-able arms reach of me?

With a great sigh of regret, we decided to let it remain in the possession of someone who clearly didn't love it as much as we would have and went on our way.

(But come on, had we taken it, imagine the trouble we could have gotten in before someone found something capable of stopping us...)
posted by quin at 2:53 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'll wait for the Knight MM, thanks.
posted by Revvy at 2:53 PM on September 19, 2011

A better option is to go and get yourself a dumptruck...

You laugh, but regular construction equipment can be pretty destructive.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 2:55 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

First person to ...liberate it becomes King Of Bartertown!
posted by The Whelk at 2:57 PM on September 19, 2011

I was just about to link Martin Heemeyer. The whole story's bizarre and sad.
posted by kmz at 2:57 PM on September 19, 2011

With a name like that, I hope there's a side-to-side red LED thingy on the front.
posted by pompomtom at 2:58 PM on September 19, 2011

Top Gear's take on the Knight XV
Hamster test-drives the Marauder, (essentially the same thing, minus the leather)
posted by postel's law at 3:00 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

I was gonna joke about it being the size of an actual armored personnel carrier, but I checked the specs, and that thing is barely smaller than a Marine LAV.
posted by furiousthought at 3:11 PM on September 19, 2011

Then there's the JL-421 Badonkadonk.
posted by TedW at 3:14 PM on September 19, 2011 [3 favorites]

A few hundred grams of of copper shaped just right and a couple of $100 grenades in an appropriately sealed can; and your expensive armor and your bloated carcass is full of holes, rich boy.
posted by lalochezia at 3:22 PM on September 19, 2011

I'd rather take a Panhard VBL. Also, with the optional rear-mounted Milan anti-tank missile, I may spoil a bit the Knight XV's wool carpeting.
posted by Skeptic at 3:26 PM on September 19, 2011

A few hundred grams of of copper shaped just right and a couple of $100 grenades in an appropriately sealed can; and your expensive armor and your bloated carcass is full of holes, rich boy.

As Alfred Herrhausen learned the hard way.
posted by TedW at 3:32 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

Then there's the JL-421 Badonkadonk.

Yeah, but it's currently unavailable.

I was never sure if the Badonkadonk was a real thing or a genial little hoax. Has it ever been seen in the wild?
posted by eugenen at 3:40 PM on September 19, 2011

I have a Ford Fiesta. It gets good miles and is surprisingly roomy. One thing that irritates me about it, though, is that it's been bargain-basement converted from lefthand to righthand drive, so all the shit like the indicator and the little sticky label that tells you which gear you're in is on the left. Still...zippy!
posted by tumid dahlia at 3:43 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

Apocalypse?

If it can't fly and make its own fuel, it's not really going to help much.

You'll just run a bit further than the rest of the damned...
posted by mmrtnt at 3:55 PM on September 19, 2011

No Blu-ray? Tsk tsk. Though I guess the optional integrated PS3 could take care of that.

If I was buying a car like this I don't think I'd be prepared to settle for a PS3, its just too out accessible to the ordinary people. I would be demanding a PS4 at the very least, possibly more if I was feeling particularly entitled.
posted by biffa at 3:56 PM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

mmrtnt, I originally thought that too; while it doesn't convert into, say, a boat or plane, it does have the option to run on biofuel.

I suspect this vehicle's the SUV of choice for third-world despots looking to "escape to the countryside," ifyouknowwhatImean.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 3:58 PM on September 19, 2011

a luxury ride that can withstand the Apocalypse

See, this is Bullshit (with a capital 'B'). A ride that can withstand the apocalypse has stainless steel fasteners everywhere you don't need non-stainless for corrosion resistance. And not the normal ASTM 304 (ISO A2) fasteners, but the extra-acid-resistant stainless steel ASTM 316 (ISO A4) fasteners. And the non-stainless nuts and bolts need to have high tensile and yield strength. Ideally they should be zinc or cadmium coated, with additional steps taken in the plating process to prevent hydrogen embrittlement.

See, that's the kind of stuff I want to see in the brochure. Because I don't anticipate too many Meineke Car centers once the shit hits the fan, nor would I expect the assembly lines to keep running, churning out surplus inventory to repair your ride when it (inevitably) breaks down. But I see no mention of that stuff. I see plenty of creature comforts (Wilton Wool? Ultrasuede? give me a fucking break), but nothing of real value. Nothing that screams to me car that will last longer than the remnants of your civilization.

What in the fuck is the purpose of planned obsolescence when there's no civilization left to sell you the Next Big Thing? In summation, this vehicle is bullshit and the people that are selling it are bullshit and so are their families for not calling them out on this and guilting them into building a Real vehicle for a fucking change.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 4:04 PM on September 19, 2011 [3 favorites]

Props for the 'limited edition of 100' thing though--suckers love that shit.
posted by box at 4:18 PM on September 19, 2011

Metafilter's own MrMoonPie, piedraysluz, and I ride like this.
posted by exogenous at 4:19 PM on September 19, 2011 [3 favorites]

In the actual end times scenario, what you are going to want just as much as armor plating is good gas mileage.

Just saying. If you've got to fend off zombies at every abandoned filling station you pass, you won't be in much of a mood to enjoy a cigar from the humidor while watching your blue ray.
posted by spitbull at 4:31 PM on September 19, 2011

I think the "survive the apocalypse" thing has set this thread on the track. This car is clearly not for that. This car is not for survival enthusiasts. This car is for being fucking baller. Baller like someone is shooting at you but you don't care because check out my watch and hey look a bottle of Patron baller.

Target demographic? Jay Z. Various drug cartels. Retired President Obama. Rick Ross. Afghan warlords. Hubertus Bigend. Larry Ellison. The Game.

Not survival enthusiasts. Not.
posted by tracert at 5:13 PM on September 19, 2011 [4 favorites]

> Hamster test-drives the Marauder, (essentially the same thing, minus the leather)

"You can't imagine it having one of those Christian fish thingies on the back"

He obviously hasn't run into dominionists.
posted by mrzarquon at 6:12 PM on September 19, 2011

I guess I'm suspicious. I'm in no way a security expert, but "sunroof" and "keyless remote door opening" sound like active security problems rather than benefits. Oh, and the humidor, or course.

So you're saying these cars are vulnerable to attack from exploding cigars?
posted by spitefulcrow at 7:10 PM on September 19, 2011

That's how they tried to get Castro.
posted by box at 7:12 PM on September 19, 2011

"Can't you get a T-72 in this price range?"

A T72 would be the last thing you'd want. They were designed for a three man crew instead of the standard four to make them smaller, faster and cheaper but the lack of a loader meant they used an unreliable automatic loading system which forced them to break aim and raise the gun after every shot. The gun itself looked good on paper but had a significantly shorter range than Western 120mm guns and lacked modern infra-red targeting capabilities to hone in on hot tank engines. They offered a small frontal profile but their small size meant that the ammunition was stored in the crew compartment which, combined with rather poor armour, meant that the crew would be lucky to survive a volley of bad language. The suspension was of ox-cart standards, negating their higher top speed on anything other than a motorway, and though they had a snorkel the hulls weren't actually watertight so if they did try to ford deep water they'd flood, forcing the crew to don breathing apparatus. Admittedly the export versions routinely slaughtered by western tanks over the last 40 years were inferior to Russian ones but the Soviet WWII doctrine of large numbers swamping better quality kit cuts no ice today. The T 90 is a lot better, and the Russians have a lot of them in reserve, but all in all you're much better off with a British Challenger 2 - when push comes to shove you want the best armour in the world and a beast of a gun, the theoretical ability to go 15 mph faster doesn't help when every enemy shell has your name on it.
posted by joannemullen at 7:25 PM on September 19, 2011 [2 favorites]

Actual buyers: Mexican Narco's, African warlords, Central Asian dictators.
posted by stbalbach at 7:26 PM on September 19, 2011

Hubertus Bigend.
Nice one.
posted by pickinganameismuchharderthanihadanticipated at 7:43 PM on September 19, 2011

I suspect this vehicle's the SUV of choice for third-world despots looking to "escape to the countryside," ifyouknowwhatImean.

A (friend-of-a)^N-friend allegedly once worked for a big tunnel-boring company, which had landed a contract to bore a long tunnel in Saudi Arabia or thereabouts. The tunnel went from the palace to somewhere well outside the city, and its only spec was that it was to be big enough for a 9" water pipe and a Porsche.
posted by hattifattener at 8:05 PM on September 19, 2011 [2 favorites]

To be fair, if you are going to be putting in that long of a driveway, you might as well use it for some plumbing as well.
posted by mrzarquon at 8:17 PM on September 19, 2011

T-90 vs T-72?
T-90.

Human Zombie Skull (fast or slow) vs. T-72 tank tread?
T-72.
posted by fragmede at 11:27 PM on September 19, 2011

I'm thinking diesel truck, extended cab, bed full of tools and salvage and a buddy with a rifle in the passenger seat.

Oh and a willingness to use violence against any threat or impediment to survival. That last part is going to be the tricky one.
posted by Grimgrin at 1:02 AM on September 20, 2011

I loved the Top Gear segment on this thing. Ridiculous.
posted by antifuse at 6:11 AM on September 20, 2011

A better option is to go and get yourself a dumptruck, spend a few hundred dollars welding steel over the cab and doors, throw on some run-flats, and a cow-catcher ramming accessory, get the loudest sound-system you can lay your hands on, and then fill the back with guns, ammo, food, and liquor.

You probably won't last as long as you would in the very expensive Knight XV, but I can almost promise you that you'll have a lot more fun.

You're thinking too small. If you're going to custom-fit your post-apocalypse vehicle, you might as well start with something a little heartier. Something with treads, so it won't get bogged down when driving over the pile of corpses of those who opposed you. Maybe a bulldozer. And once it's all armor-plated, you might as well take that sucker out for a test-drive.
posted by Mayor West at 6:18 AM on September 20, 2011

Maybe a bulldozer

Nah. Tank.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:51 AM on September 20, 2011

Gas mileage is going to kill you with the T72 even worse than the monster SUV. 330gal diesel tank only gets you a range of 290 miles. You're going to have to stop and drain every station you find as you mow your way through the zombie hordes. Good luck trying not to get bitten as youre defending your tank while waiting to pump 330 gallons.
posted by T.D. Strange at 11:29 AM on September 20, 2011

Post-zombie-apocalypse, I'm thinking you might want something that could tow shit.
posted by box at 12:33 PM on September 20, 2011

Someone else will pump the gas, a) out of gratitude for just running over the local zombie pack b) because you're pointing a tank at them. Yes, you could probably do the same thing lighter and more fuel efficient with some kind of upgraded snowmobile or construction equipment. I guess sufficiently huge tires do the same thing.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 12:53 PM on September 20, 2011

How fast do zombies run? You just need to be a little bit faster, no?
posted by desjardins at 12:55 PM on September 20, 2011

Well yeah, if you can run forever.
posted by flaterik at 3:53 AM on September 21, 2011