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This cake is not a lie
October 26, 2011 11:04 AM   Subscribe

Have you every wanted to try GLaDOS' chocolate cake or S’Jirra’s Famous Potato Bread with a Nirnroot Salad? We've got Starkos straight from the streets of Hillys, and steak skewers prepared in Inaba's finest lunch stops. If you're thirsty we've got some NukaCola Quantum or Lon-Lon Milk, and there's always FK in the coffee. All these recipes and more from your favourite virtual worlds can be found at Gourmet Gaming
posted by yellowbinder (38 comments total) 24 users marked this as a favorite

 
I think I'll avoid Ruby Nash's radscorpion venom casserole.
posted by Flunkie at 11:09 AM on October 26, 2011 [5 favorites]


There's a notable lack of rhubarb in that cake.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 11:13 AM on October 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


Really awesome. Missing a good skooma recipe, though.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 11:15 AM on October 26, 2011 [4 favorites]


I mean I understand cutting out the industrial waste but there's no reason fish-shaped candies can't be incorporated somehow, nevermind the rhubarb.

(Candies: possibly by melting down into a syrup, like they do on Chopped, but still, spirit of the recipe and all. Rhubarb: Candied rhubarb is close enough to cherries. GO FOR IT.)

In all seriousness, it's amusing, but I'm actually not as much of a gamer as to recognize all of this. From what I recall from my partner's addiction, the Sims franchise should be good for an entire month or so worth of recipes.
posted by Weighted Companion Cube at 11:17 AM on October 26, 2011


Hmmm, fortify speed and strength, damage agility and intelligence.... I think that means skooma is just Red Bull.

They should do the Shepherd's Pie from Oblivion.
posted by heatvision at 11:19 AM on October 26, 2011


Skooma is dangerous completely fucking awesome.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 11:26 AM on October 26, 2011 [7 favorites]


but I'm actually not as much of a gamer as to recognize all of this
I don't doubt it, given that you've been incinerated by millions of gamers.
posted by PapaLobo at 11:33 AM on October 26, 2011 [3 favorites]


Mmmm fish-shaped volatile organic compounds.
posted by infinitewindow at 11:42 AM on October 26, 2011


Cake

Ingredients:
1 egg
2 sugar
3 wheat
3 buckets milk

Craft. Eat. Heal.
posted by Bummus at 11:49 AM on October 26, 2011 [3 favorites]


Needs way, way more Glitch.
posted by The Bellman at 11:51 AM on October 26, 2011


I don't doubt it, given that you've been incinerated by millions of gamers.

Ooh, burn.

Legitimately, might try making a soup or two, why not?
posted by Weighted Companion Cube at 11:55 AM on October 26, 2011


Cake

Ingredients:
1 egg
2 sugar
3 wheat
3 buckets milk


Hmm...I wonder what kind of cake you would get if you used that as a weight ratio....
posted by jedicus at 11:55 AM on October 26, 2011


Cute, but...yuck.
posted by Dhertiiboi at 11:59 AM on October 26, 2011


This is completely genius.
posted by penduluum at 12:06 PM on October 26, 2011


I would press that minecraft cake neatly into my square mouth over and over.
posted by SharkParty at 12:08 PM on October 26, 2011


Okay, the experimental Minecraft cake is in the oven. I added a bit of mace, allspice, and cinnamon for flavor. The batter is slightly thin but not unreasonable. The lack of butter concerns me the most. I suspect it will turn out a bit like a big pancake.
posted by jedicus at 12:08 PM on October 26, 2011 [2 favorites]


Jedicus, remain alert for sudden hissing sounds.
posted by The Whelk at 12:11 PM on October 26, 2011


we eagerly await the results of your experiment.

take pictures

don't forget the frosting!
posted by danny the boy at 12:11 PM on October 26, 2011


Hmm...I guess you could steal some of the sugar and milk to make frosting. It's too late to change the cake, but I'll whip up some frosting.
posted by jedicus at 12:15 PM on October 26, 2011



Hmm...I wonder what kind of cake you would get if you used that as a weight ratio....

Pancakes!
posted by LN at 12:16 PM on October 26, 2011


What, no Castlevania pot roast?!
posted by Anima Mundi at 12:21 PM on October 26, 2011


I have made several recipes from Sims 2 and Sims 3, it's always good for a bit of entertainment. Goopy Carbonara is the only one I ended up incorporating into somewhat-regular meal rotation.

Some day I plan to make the birthday cake. (Or more likely to hire some cake shop to make it for me, since I don't know my fondant from a picture of a sad clown.)
posted by ErikaB at 12:27 PM on October 26, 2011


Pancakes!

Yes, that was my suspicion as well, though the ratio given in that link is a bit different from the Minecraft ratio. Compare

1 part egg
2 parts milk
1/2 part fat
2 parts flour + sugar, salt, vanilla extract, baking powder

to:

1 part egg
2 parts sugar
3 parts milk
3 parts flour + salt & spices

I did not add any baking powder, as I didn't want to add anything that would affect the cooking characteristics (which is my excuse for adding spices). With the large amount of sugar, added liquid, and no leavening this will probably be closest to a sweet crepe.
posted by jedicus at 12:27 PM on October 26, 2011


The Lon-Lon milk recipe is clearly wrong. The ingredient list doesn't involve a cow or an ocarina, and I'm pretty sure child link doesn't drink vodka.
posted by yeolcoatl at 12:37 PM on October 26, 2011


A Starkos restores one heart of your energy!
posted by specialagentwebb at 12:50 PM on October 26, 2011 [5 favorites]


Awesome- includes several recipies from one of my favorite games, Deadly Premonition.
posted by Secretariat at 12:51 PM on October 26, 2011


Alright, the cake is done. I didn't have any frosting for the berries/sprinkles/whatever-they're-supposed-to-be. I considered faking it with pieces of red construction paper, but my inner food stylist-ethicist vetoed that idea.

As a cake it is a dense but edible spice cake. Using whole milk would have helped, I'm sure, given the lack of butter, and it would have been more authentic as well. I'd call it "better than an EZ bake oven cake."
posted by jedicus at 1:01 PM on October 26, 2011 [2 favorites]


Jedicus, I realize the ratios aren't quite the same, but it's the closest real-world equivalent I could find on short notice.

However, if you're willing to experiment again, you could leaven it by making the batter with just the egg yolk, whipping the egg-white till stiff then folding into the batter. No chemical leavens needed!
posted by LN at 1:26 PM on October 26, 2011


you could leaven it by making the batter with just the egg yolk, whipping the egg-white till stiff then folding into the batter.

That's a good idea. I'm not sure how far a single egg white will go, but every little bit helps. Another possibility is harnessing the power of wild yeast to make a sourdough-cake.
posted by jedicus at 1:36 PM on October 26, 2011


I'm also reminded of those Amish "friendship cake" sourdough starters (equal parts milk, sugar and flour) - while the ratios aren't quite the same, there are some similarities.

Add an egg, and as much melted butter as you want, and you have the best goddamn waffle batter ever!
posted by LN at 2:09 PM on October 26, 2011


It saddens me that the GLaDOS' chocolate cake link goes to an actual recipe, and not to a blank page, or maybe an animated .gif of some confetti.
posted by gurple at 2:43 PM on October 26, 2011


[This is tasty]
posted by dazed_one at 2:48 PM on October 26, 2011


This is kind of a tangent, but I was reminded of it by hir fantastic Portal cake: I think it's a shame more people didn't catch the deal with GLaDOS' cake recipe (spoilers and maybe overthinking ahoy).

The ingredients as spammed onto Aperture's monitors and repeated endlessly by the cake sphere include three distinct categories: legitimate cake ingredients, okay yes for a cake involving rhubarb and fish shaped decorations (2 cups all purpose flour, 1 can prepared coconut pecan frosting), scientific/industrial equipment of a decidedly sinister nature (Cordless electric needle injector, injector needle driver, injector needle gun, cranial caps) and literally just corrupted entries that mix the two (Fish shaped ethyl benzene, 1 cross borehole electro-magnetic imaging rhubarb).

The Curiosity Sphere and Space Sphere are both yellow and share a sort of manic naive excitement about things. Fact Sphere and the (silent, but still) Morality Core are both purple, and seem to both be about rules and absolutes. We can assume the colour implies function. Wheatley and the Cake Sphere are both blue, and we know Wheatley was an intelligence inhibitor, so we can assume the Cake Sphere was, too. Presumably its job, Wheatley's stream of terrible ideas having failed to constrain GLaDOS, was simply to spam her mind with a meaningless cake recipe, to distract her from the murdering and neurotoxin and deadly, deadly testing.

By the time Chell meets GLaDOS, the Cake Sphere has been corrupted by prolonged attachment to her. That can happen: it's the whole point of the core transfer protocols in Portal 2. It's not interspersing its recipe with nonsense - it's listing the things they used to remove, preserve and image Caroline's brain before she became part of GLaDOS. Somewhere in GLaDOS' subconscious is a carefully enumerated list of exactly the components Aperture used to kill a woman and use her mind as a component. And that part of her is screaming loud enough to write this stuff on a core intended to control her. And GLaDOS herself, before the events of Portal 2, didn't even have any idea what this stuff was or why it was in her brain.

And that's why the cake recipe is the creepiest thing about Portal.

The coffee from Deadly Premonition with FK in it is amazing
posted by emmtee at 3:30 PM on October 26, 2011 [7 favorites]


Spoilers for Portal2

It's dark things like that, emmtee, and the idea that Chell may be Caroline and Cave's daughter so that she's been all the time fighting against her own mother who's been trying to murder her, that are just so unspeakably sad that I'm not sure I'd want to play a Portal3 if one ever was released.

I get that having the shed spit out the WCC at the end was their idea of a happy ending, but... really, Valve? Would it have fucking killed you to have the last shot be something like her being spat from the shed, stumbling, and then looking up to see the silhouette of someone reaching their hand out to her to lift her up? Something that didn't imply that she was just going to wander around in a wilderness until she died of exposure, her only companion being a lifeless cube?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:33 PM on October 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


Did the Nuka Cola Quantum have to be alcoholic? I was expecting glow stick + some form of clear cola recipe. Jeez.
posted by CarlRossi at 6:10 PM on October 26, 2011


Nuka Cola as an intoxicant is the only mercy in the Fallout world
posted by The Whelk at 6:31 PM on October 26, 2011


What, no Quafe?
posted by winna at 6:43 PM on October 26, 2011


Needs Hobo Dogs and Snake Squeezins.

/old
posted by bardic at 11:41 PM on October 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


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