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Texts From Bennett
December 1, 2011 8:41 PM   Subscribe

Bennett and I discuss joining the Illuminati. "These are text messages I exchange with my 17-year-old cousin Bennett... one of the most unintentionally funny and brilliant souls on the planet. He has no idea I do this blog. Yes, this is 100% real." [NSFWtext; TumblrFilter]
posted by Unicorn on the cob (103 comments total) 13 users marked this as a favorite

 
I'm afraid I'm going to have to call bullshit on this one. Some of these seem too... forced. I find it hard to believe anyone is that stupid.
posted by Krazor at 8:47 PM on December 1, 2011 [11 favorites]


Definitely not real. Sporadically very funny. Equally sporadically less funny.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:48 PM on December 1, 2011 [3 favorites]


Not that it's not kind of funny.*
posted by Krazor at 8:48 PM on December 1, 2011


I work with the public, I do not find it hard to believe at all.
posted by tiamat at 8:50 PM on December 1, 2011 [15 favorites]


Do people really smoke bath salts? I feel this is a safe place to ask.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:52 PM on December 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


This happens to be the work of this guy, who has seen both the Bennett tumblr and this video go viral in the span of about 24 hours. If Bennett didn't know about the blog before, he's sure as shit going to know about it now.
posted by to sir with millipedes at 8:52 PM on December 1, 2011 [12 favorites]


Dang, the Illuminati didn't give ME 500K when I joined.....
posted by drhydro at 8:53 PM on December 1, 2011


Do people really smoke bath salts? I feel this is a safe place to ask.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:52 PM on December 1


'bath salts' is a euphemism for a handful of designer drugs. they're labeled that way so vendors can say they're not for human consumption.
posted by p3on at 8:54 PM on December 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


Well here's the signup form info.
posted by symbioid at 8:55 PM on December 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


Ok, yes, people this stupid exist. But what I can't believe that the blogger could bring himself to keep talking to him.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 8:59 PM on December 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


Some of these seem too... forced. I find it hard to believe anyone is that stupid.


I envy you.
posted by The Whelk at 9:00 PM on December 1, 2011 [33 favorites]


I liked Bennet better when he was a cat.
posted by jamaro at 9:03 PM on December 1, 2011 [14 favorites]


Apparently the blogger is some youtube rapper who goes by "Mac Lethal", according to reddit.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 9:03 PM on December 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


I worked retail, I totally believe people that stupid exist.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 9:03 PM on December 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


Holy shit at that video, to sir with millipedes

i want pancakes now
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 9:04 PM on December 1, 2011


This is the same pancake-flipping rapper from earlier today blogging these, I've read.
posted by Catblack at 9:04 PM on December 1, 2011


they're labeled that way so vendors can say they're not for human consumption.

How am I, the consumer, to distinguish between them and actual bath salts? If I mistakenly smoke or bathe with the wrong product, are there enough other people making those same mistakes for me to bring a class action for false advertising?
posted by The World Famous at 9:04 PM on December 1, 2011


As long as you're not buying your bath salts in a head shop you should be ok.
posted by calamari kid at 9:06 PM on December 1, 2011 [7 favorites]


Confirmed fake when a 17 year old kid asked for a copy of a CD. I don't even think kids know what CDs are any more.
posted by Sternmeyer at 9:07 PM on December 1, 2011 [7 favorites]


If these were funnier, then I'd care more whether they are real or fake.
posted by red clover at 9:08 PM on December 1, 2011 [5 favorites]


rick

rick








rick
posted by unSane at 9:09 PM on December 1, 2011 [16 favorites]


I don't believe it's real.
posted by sweetkid at 9:09 PM on December 1, 2011


note that since the link is to the middle of the tumblr, you can get more content by hitting either the Previously or the Next
posted by Blasdelb at 9:11 PM on December 1, 2011


The exit of tree of verb and adjective.
posted by Mblue at 9:13 PM on December 1, 2011


Huh. Interesting. My autocorrect just screamed in pain when I typed in "lasanya."
posted by roger ackroyd at 9:13 PM on December 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


Do people really smoke bath salts? I feel this is a safe place to ask.
Yeah as others said, people sell various experimental compounds as 'bath salts' (or incense)
How am I, the consumer, to distinguish between them and actual bath salts?
Sucks to be you?
Confirmed fake when a 17 year old kid asked for a copy of a CD. I don't even think kids know what CDs are any more.
I assume he just meant "album", and that he was asking for Audio files, not an actual plastic disk.
posted by delmoi at 9:14 PM on December 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


I'll believe anything, and right away these felt fake to me.
posted by hermitosis at 9:14 PM on December 1, 2011 [4 favorites]


Rather than play the tiring fake / not fake game, I'm just going to say that I found this fucking hilarious.
posted by naju at 9:15 PM on December 1, 2011 [12 favorites]


They tumblr everything these days don't they?

hey everyone, come play humourous headlines with me on tumblr
posted by infini at 9:22 PM on December 1, 2011


This, along with the various other 'look at these assholes being assholes' blogs has a tinge of privledge that doesn't sit well with me.
posted by k8t at 9:25 PM on December 1, 2011 [4 favorites]


So sometimes I feel like this kind of thing is a way for white people to laugh at black people without feeling like they're laughing at black people
posted by villanelles at dawn at 9:27 PM on December 1, 2011 [22 favorites]


While I'm generally in agreement that "Look at these assholes!" is a bad use of the Internet, I have to say...use of the term "privilege" on MetaFilter has now officially jumped the shark.
posted by red clover at 9:32 PM on December 1, 2011 [17 favorites]


i laughed
posted by liza at 9:34 PM on December 1, 2011


But what I can't believe that the blogger could bring himself to keep talking to him.

I have a lot of Bennetts in my family. I chose not to speak to any of them, but for people who like to pretend that there are any meaningful relationships to be had with people solely because you share genetic material my manner of coping with the issue is not acceptable.
posted by winna at 9:36 PM on December 1, 2011


This happens to be the work of this guy

The man has excellent taste in T-shirts. That's Little Walter that he's sportin'.
posted by Devils Rancher at 9:40 PM on December 1, 2011


If you actually care whether something is real or fake, then you are CHOOSE ONE: over 17 / the 1% / Metafilter.
posted by joe lisboa at 9:40 PM on December 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


(I said CHOOSE ONE!)
posted by joe lisboa at 9:41 PM on December 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


Reminds me of the @teendad13 twitter account.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:46 PM on December 1, 2011


'bath salts' is a euphemism for a handful of designer drugs. they're labeled that way so vendors can say they're not for human consumption.

I have a lot of liquid incense and VHS cleaner around the apartment, but it's pretty obvious that they're just poppers.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 9:46 PM on December 1, 2011 [6 favorites]


I hope he's got the unlimited texting plan, though he'd save a lot of money if he got Bennet to upgrade to ios5 so they could use iMessage.

Excuse me while I go drink my metamucil and turn in to my father.
posted by incessant at 9:48 PM on December 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


These got old quick, but at first "Bennett" reminded me of David Sedaris's younger brother.
posted by mullacc at 9:49 PM on December 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


It is a time-honored and rightful privilege of the non-stupid to laugh at the stupid. I refuse to give it up.
posted by Kraftmatic Adjustable Cheese at 9:52 PM on December 1, 2011 [6 favorites]


These reminded me of old Achewood strips for some reason. (And hey there's a new one up.)
posted by longsleeves at 9:53 PM on December 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


Hi. I currently work doing the lowest of the low-paid contract work while looking for a real job. We answer questions submitted through SMS. Perhaps you've even seen a commercial or two for our service, our name is clever, like old Soviet spy agency. Our users are mostly teens, and they text in everything you can imagine. Here are some of the questions we've recently fielded:

Will smoking incents effect a females sperm cells?

Can a hair dresser regulate blood pressure?

Do they sell cum in stores?

Can a girl having sex in the pool with her head out of the water be killed?

What time of year does a deer turn into a moose?

How do you say Bitch be Trippin in Latin?

why do i need to trim my nails after i take a condom off?

So, you see, I have no problem believing that Bennett is real. All of my users are Bennett. They exist. They're out there. And they are our future.
posted by dantsea at 9:55 PM on December 1, 2011 [113 favorites]


Will smoking incents effect a females sperm cells?

That is an astonishing sentence.
posted by gwint at 9:59 PM on December 1, 2011 [20 favorites]


If you did not answer with a simple "yes" to each of those questions, dantsea, you are the worst.
posted by The World Famous at 10:02 PM on December 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


honestly it was the hose filling a car that sold it for me. I have seen that. I have been there. I have observed that logic taking place.
posted by The Whelk at 10:02 PM on December 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


So how do you say Bitch be Trippin' in Latin?
posted by birdherder at 10:08 PM on December 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


Femina canis rabidus.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:13 PM on December 1, 2011 [27 favorites]


Seriously, the craziest thing about this is how Bennett's cousin apparently has over a hundred unread text messages at any given time. Huh?
posted by Ian A.T. at 10:25 PM on December 1, 2011


MetaFilter: How do you say Bitch be Trippin in Latin?
posted by ottereroticist at 10:30 PM on December 1, 2011 [4 favorites]


What time of year does a deer turn into a moose?

This made me laugh harder than it has any right to. The closest I have is 'What time of year does a reindeer turn into a zombie?' (caution: not for the squeamish)
posted by FatherDagon at 10:37 PM on December 1, 2011 [4 favorites]


My only observation here is that every one of those back-and-forths seems to fit neatly into a single iPhone screen. Being gangsta yet pithy enough to leave room for a wry rimshot at the end is a rare, and slightly suspicious, gift.
posted by bicyclefish at 10:42 PM on December 1, 2011 [16 favorites]


Just so ya know, Mac Lethal isn't a "YouTube rapper" (whatever that means--especially since he was in the finals of Scribble Jam 3 times) and he's been doing this Bennet stuff for awhile, although I think the tumbler is new. Yeah, I don't find it funny, but maybe use more google before you write? Or, I guess read reddit more?
posted by sleepy pete at 10:50 PM on December 1, 2011


Tsk. The rapper is using a metal pancake turner on what looks to be a coated frying pan. Loser.
posted by Cranberry at 11:23 PM on December 1, 2011 [5 favorites]


What? Was this about theIlluminati?
posted by Cranberry at 11:24 PM on December 1, 2011


I don't really care if they're fake or not, because either way, these are two characters I'm supposed to engage with to some degree. At first I chuckled at Bennett's cluelessness, but after a while I felt like I was sitting at a table with the two of them - Bennett is talking, his eyes alight, trying to make conversation, speculating, sounding all the world to me like a younger Jesse Pinkman. Meanwhile, there's this asshole sitting next to him who keeps rolling his eyes to me at everything Bennett says, and then makes small remarks designed to set Bennett up to demonstrate for me even further how stupid Bennett is. In the end, I find myself liking Bennett a helluva a lot more than this guy smirking at this kid's questions and observations. Yeah, he calls him "brilliant" in part on his blog, but somehow the overall tone just comes across as really point-and-laugh. Well, whatever, pal. I'm guessing Bennett would be a lot more fun to hang out with on a Friday night.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:24 PM on December 1, 2011 [9 favorites]


On the other hand, maybe the author intended us to despise him and sympathize with Bennett all along. In which case, kudos, Tumblrino!
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:44 PM on December 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


Tsk. The rapper is using a metal pancake turner on what looks to be a coated frying pan. Loser.

He says it's not coated.
posted by delmoi at 2:30 AM on December 2, 2011


Totally real. As kraftmatic adjustable cheese says above, people are amused by those dimmer than themselves -- this is why network TV is full of achingly stupid sitcoms and shows where bad singers are mocked: so Bennett has someone to laugh at.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 3:44 AM on December 2, 2011


Totally not real. Does it not strike you as odd that every single conversation just happens ever so conveniently to fit within a single screen of texts (thus ideal for screenshots and online posting?)
posted by Hartham's Hugging Robots at 3:56 AM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


If you're worrying about whether it's real, it's just not funny enough. Innit blud.
posted by mippy at 4:04 AM on December 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


What time of year does a deer turn into a moose?

This was funnier than anything Bennett said. I'm going to be laughing all day. And any time I think of this. In my darkest hours, I'm going to think to myself "What time of year does a deer turn into a moose?" and I'm going to bust up laughing, possibly also peeing my pants.
posted by sonika at 4:05 AM on December 2, 2011 [9 favorites]


dantsea, I hoppy you are diligently collecting these gems in a safe place, because your tumbler-to-book opportunity is writing itself once you get out of that hellhole.
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:22 AM on December 2, 2011 [4 favorites]


Hoax or not? Who cares?
I don't. Its funny.

Would TFB still be funny if the owner [who exactly?] disclosed teenage Bennett is not ignorant of his online persona? Does TFB provide sufficient information to inform the visitor they are not patronizing a site whose success is based on the public disclosure for the purpose of ridicule private conversations of a minor? Is this a terrorist plot to condition westerners to ignore obvious signs of illicit behavior? Do I have to read many posts before I can be certain this is not the case? Will Bennett learn from his peers he is the laughing stock of countless (Google Analytics?) English reading peoples across the globe?

I don't care anymore and I only read one post...
(>_<)
posted by xtian at 4:22 AM on December 2, 2011


Totally not real. Does it not strike you as odd that every single conversation just happens ever so conveniently to fit within a single screen of texts.

No. There are actually several conversations that take up two screens.
posted by MartinWisse at 4:41 AM on December 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


Totally not real. Does it not strike you as odd that every single conversation just happens ever so conveniently to fit within a single screen of texts.

No. There are actually several conversations that take up two screens.


And most of the rest seem to be the end point of a longer conversation. In any event, if I were maintaining this blog -- and I assure you I have at least two cousins Bennett -- I would be selecting the stuff that fit on a single screen and still made sense, not the conversations spread across seven screens. This is no odder than people who maintain online albums of their dog and yet somehow never seem to have a shot where the dog is blurred or looking away from the camera or partially out of frame: obviously those photos are not the ones you put online.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 4:54 AM on December 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


...especially since he was in the finals of Scribble Jam 3 times

I had never heard of the Scribble Jam before tonight. Not everyone lives in the USA, and not everyone listens to rap.

That pancake video is pretty incredible though. Very talented dude.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:36 AM on December 2, 2011


Can a girl having sex in the pool with her head out of the water be killed?

This is asking if the act will kill her, right? It's not asking if she's immortal. Please tell me it's not asking if she's immortal.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 6:49 AM on December 2, 2011 [5 favorites]


There can only be one.
posted by griphus at 6:56 AM on December 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


Maybe she's a main quest character.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 6:57 AM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


more on Lil Wayne & lasanya:

Lil Wayne’s coronation as a trustworthy heroin brand aside, it’s the recently released Tha Carter IV preview single “6’7” that’s had most people slinging “dope” (apologies)—in particular the line “Real Gs move in silence like lasagna,” which is the sort of lyric that immediately leaps out not only for its clever wordplay, but for working the word “lasagna” into a hip-hop song.
posted by zamboni at 7:42 AM on December 2, 2011


Fave
posted by clvrmnky at 7:43 AM on December 2, 2011


HUSTLA DA RABBIT!!!
posted by criticalbill at 8:40 AM on December 2, 2011


This is asking if the act will kill her, right? It's not asking if she's immortal. Please tell me it's not asking if she's immortal.

This really needs context - he didn't specify if the pool was part of the River Styx or not.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:57 AM on December 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


Can a girl having sex in the pool with her head out of the water be killed?

My favorite myths come from wacky physics beliefs.

So, I read that as some weird water-pressure-causes-head-explodey myth where you need to equalize hydrostatic pressure. "Dude, you gotta keep her head out of the water, because when you come, you'll blow her head clean off. It's science, man. Happened to this guy my brother used to know."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:17 AM on December 2, 2011


I find it hard to believe anyone is that stupid.

It's not that he's stupid, but he has incongruous knowledge.

"how did vince von get a new ear after he cut off his other one to send to that hoe?"

No way. Sorry fail.

Also, any sort of default autocorrect (which I'm sure someone as "stupid" as "Bennett" would change "Thanksgivinf" to "Thanksgiving."

Also, the fact that the blog lamely attempts to pre-empty any claims of racism by saying Bennett is white and then have him behave/speak like a gross and offensive caricature of a black teenage boy.

Also, all the other obvious clues.

It certainly *could* be real, but I would probably put $100 down on no.

Should be tagged #tumbrfail.
posted by mrgrimm at 9:32 AM on December 2, 2011 [6 favorites]


mrgrimm I'm not sure if you've ever been to a high school cafeteria in Brooklyn recently, but whether or not this is real, I can assure you that there are teenagers of all races, creeds and colors who speak like that.
posted by griphus at 9:36 AM on December 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


* which I'm sure someone as "stupid" as "Bennett" wouldn't know how to disable ..)

more on Lil Wayne & lasanya

which links to the Billboard article:

"If we start being technical with lyrics, then we'll have to void a lot of these rappers' punchlines," he adds, giving the example of Keith Murray's line, "I'm gonna get you sucker like Damon Wayans." "It was Keenan," he says, "but no one cared."

I CARED!

It's also I'm Gonna Get You, Sucka.

"OK, fuck the cup. Pour it in my hand for a dime."
posted by mrgrimm at 9:36 AM on December 2, 2011


mrgrimm I'm not sure if you've ever been to a high school cafeteria in Brooklyn recently, but whether or not this is real, I can assure you that there are teenagers of all races, creeds and colors who speak like that.

absolutely. so why does he feel the need to point out that Bennett is white? it just raised a red flag for me.
posted by mrgrimm at 9:37 AM on December 2, 2011


Almost all of the white teenage boys I know talk like gross and offensive caricatures of black teenage boys.
posted by Zozo at 9:37 AM on December 2, 2011 [8 favorites]


also, Robert Townsend and Hollywood Shuffle deserve their own FPP. one day ... "The Promised Land? ... Cleveland?"
posted by mrgrimm at 9:42 AM on December 2, 2011


Online chemistry tutor here. Imagine doing factor label with Bennett. Is it real? I hope not.
posted by skbw at 10:17 AM on December 2, 2011


Given all of the analysis of whether or not the race of his cousin matters, whether or not this falls under "look at this asshole", and whether or not the g in lasagna is silent, I find myself getting quite hungry looking at all these plates of beans. And the pancakes. Of course.

"Done. That's done. That cake is done."
posted by mysterpigg at 10:30 AM on December 2, 2011


So, you see, I have no problem believing that Bennett is real. All of my users are Bennett. They exist. They're out there. And they are our future.

Because teenagers would never use a service like that to ask the most ridiculous question they could think of. They're just teh stupid for reals.
posted by straight at 10:35 AM on December 2, 2011


Also, any sort of default autocorrect (which I'm sure someone as "stupid" as "Bennett" would change "Thanksgivinf" to "Thanksgiving."

Who says Bennett is using a smartphone?
posted by FirstMateKate at 10:54 AM on December 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


Also, if you type fast enough, sometimes autocorrect doesn't catch up. Or it assumes you're overwriting its suggestion and it will save what you typed. This is why when I'm being double super ironic in a text my phone appends loploploplop instead of lololololol.
posted by winna at 11:00 AM on December 2, 2011


Who says Bennett is using a smartphone?

The same people who insist that every single text exchange he has ever had is a pithy four lines that fits neatly into a single screenshot. This is the legacy of people affecting carelessness when presenting something online ("this is just something i threw together when i wuz bored") and everyone having a photo album on Facebook called 'Random' -- many people are now unfamiliar with the notion of editing, even in the abstract.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 11:01 AM on December 2, 2011


If Bennett is real, I bet he looks exactly like Scumbag Steve
posted by kgasmart at 11:12 AM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


I know people are this stupid. I know people talk this. I know people who are stupid/talk like this can ascend to unintentional comedy with the combination. What strains my credibility is that the same guy says unintentionally funny things over the same medium to the same guy willing to post on them on the internets 12 times in 20 days. Also he spelled "idiot" right in one post and then spells it wrong in a later one.

Like Hermitosis said, I'm usually in the "I totally believe this is real!" camp in these disputes, but I am not buying this one at. all.
posted by mreleganza at 11:17 AM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


Confirmed as not real.

(Not that it matters much, can we just appreciate comedy now?)
posted by naju at 11:18 AM on December 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


(from naju's link): "We're trying to protect the storyline."

That's the sort of sentence you only hear from corporate PR drones, not real human beings.
posted by straight at 12:23 PM on December 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


Who says Bennett is using a smartphone?

Fair point, but "F" is 3 pushes on the #3 phone key, and "G" is 1 push on the #4 phone key.

It's a mistake made on a keyboard, where F is next to G. A phone with a keyboard usually has autocorrect, no? That might be a bad assumption.

Obviously it's a moot point post-naju.

can we just appreciate comedy now?

only if it is funnier.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:47 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


I deeply envy the people who apparently haven't had the exposure to scores of Bennetts who can confidently deny their existence.
posted by cmoj at 1:01 PM on December 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


It is a time-honored and rightful privilege of the non-stupid to laugh at the stupid. I refuse to give it up.
Awww that's very sweet of you, cheers.
posted by fullerine at 1:09 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


http://textsfrombennett.tumble.com is quite different altogether...
posted by clorox at 5:52 PM on December 2, 2011


@dantsea

im not even a teenager and i'd like answers to all of those
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 2:30 AM on December 3, 2011


to sir with millipedes: "This happens to be the work of this guy , who has seen both the Bennett tumblr and this video go viral in the span of about 24 hours. If Bennett didn't know about the blog before, he's sure as shit going to know about it now."

Wow, that dude can make pancakes. If it was just a video of him making pancake after pancake, without rapping at all, I'd still be impressed.
posted by Deathalicious at 8:00 AM on December 3, 2011


So, I read that as some weird water-pressure-causes-head-explodey myth where you need to equalize hydrostatic pressure. "Dude, you gotta keep her head out of the water, because when you come, you'll blow her head clean off. It's science, man. Happened to this guy my brother used to know."

Aaaah. At least that's comprehensible.

But it's too late. I've already envisioned this as a British military training film.

"Notice that the .50 cal does her no harm, so long as she stays partly submerged and continues to have sex. Next: artillery."
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 11:45 AM on December 3, 2011 [1 favorite]


I like Mac Lethal's battle rhymes.
posted by box at 12:10 PM on December 4, 2011


"This happens to be the work of this guy ,

You'll notice that video now includes the helpful pop-up disclaimer "Texts from Bennett is 100% Real!"

The lady dost protest. Too much.
posted by mrgrimm at 11:15 AM on December 5, 2011


You'll notice that video now includes the helpful pop-up disclaimer "Texts from Bennett is 100% Real!"

Which is to say it's actually something that exists in reality. You're not imagining it.
posted by The World Famous at 11:25 AM on December 5, 2011


Full circle.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 8:33 PM on December 5, 2011


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