Picture Perfect

January 10, 2012 6:59 PM

A camera that runs Android. A camera that streams live to the internet. A camera that sees in all directions. A camera that flies. A camera that knows where it is and automatically uploads to Facebook. A camera that whitens your teeth. A camera that does your makeup for you. A camera that slims you by 10%. A camera that recognizes faces important to you, and turns off the flash so it doesn't disturb you as you are photographed sleeping.
posted by fake (31 comments total)

I left out all DIY and research cameras, and focused on commercial offerings.

I also left out a camera that lets you focus a picture after you take it, since it has been covered here.
posted by fake at 7:01 PM on January 10

A camera with a magnesium body that looks like a T-800.
posted by thewalrus at 7:08 PM on January 10 [2 favorites]

A camera that sees in complete darkness
posted by fake at 7:12 PM on January 10

I think the next innovation will be a completely moddable/appable camera, although camera companies arent the most open of people - meanwhile i saw some mods for canon 5dmk2
posted by sgt.serenity at 7:18 PM on January 10

How about a camera that notices you are taking a picture of a sleeping person and says in a loud voice "What the fuck are you doing, you creepy fucker???"
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 7:25 PM on January 10 [7 favorites]

I DID NOT NEED MORE THINGS TO WANT
posted by louche mustachio at 7:31 PM on January 10 [3 favorites]

Polaroid finds the whole concept of a "camera-phone" a bit insulting. So it is launching a phone-camera, an Android-driven Smart Camera that is mainly for taking pictures, but can also make the occasional phone call.

It's like they know me.
posted by louche mustachio at 7:33 PM on January 10 [3 favorites]

A camera that streams pictures of a coffee machine live to the internet.
posted by charlie don't surf at 7:33 PM on January 10 [4 favorites]

A camera that records at one millions frames per second.
posted by thewalrus at 7:36 PM on January 10 [1 favorite]

The wink and additional person shutter release modes on the Canon S100 are quite neat.
posted by scruss at 7:48 PM on January 10

How about a camera that notices you are taking a picture of a sleeping person...

Use case: camera owner's own baby.

I have enough contacts on flickr with small children to know that they added this feature because parents take an ungodly number of pictures of their sleeping babies. Ungodly. I still love you, dear flickr contacts.

Ungodly.
posted by tarheelcoxn at 7:48 PM on January 10 [1 favorite]

And I just noticed (sigh, I'm slooow) that you can get a really great 6-7 year old DSLR on ebay for a c note or two. Lot's of amazing features but a full featured camera and good lens will make a lot of great images.
posted by sammyo at 7:54 PM on January 10

A camera disguised as a bag of crisps.

(Can you spot it?)
posted by tumid dahlia at 8:20 PM on January 10

Sorry. After that optical illusion thread I've gone off spotting things.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:32 PM on January 10 [2 favorites]

Or you could just turn the flash off yourself, you goddamned hack, this is a fucking STADIUM, your flash isn't going to make that picture of the band come out any better, ohmygod, are you wearing the Fall Out Boy t-shirt you JUST bought for 30 fucking dollars over the Fall Out Boy t-shirt you were already wearing to the Fall Out Boy show I HATE TEENAGERS.

Sorry. Flash-based flashback.
posted by maryr at 8:37 PM on January 10 [4 favorites]

From the link: "A Sleeping Face Recognition mode will turn off the flash, assist beam and camera sound if it detects that you're attempting to photograph someone as they sleep."

Okay, there are a ton of legitimate reasons to take a photo of a sleeping subject (babies, pets, passed out roommate whom you're drawing a sharpie mustache on)* but the way the copy breathlessly and unblinkingly boasts the feature makes me think of some marketer has unknowingly disclosed his problematic voyeurism obsession.


*(Okay, I gotta admit I once took a picture of a girlfriend who had, in the middle of the night stolen, all the covers and wrapped them around each limb in an alternating clockwise, counterclockwise fashion, then curled up in the exact middle of the bed. Creepy? Maybe. But useful if she ever complained about my teeth grinding? Absolutely.)
posted by midmarch snowman at 9:22 PM on January 10

Or you could just turn the flash off yourself, you goddamned hack, this is a fucking STADIUM, your flash isn't going to make that picture of the band come out any better

The very few times i turn on sports, i see hundreds of flashes from the seats, and think "God, all those people can't really be that stupid, can they?" Then i just keep seeing more. :\ I'm at the point where i figure if people stop taking flash shots in the stands, the broadcasters would just add in the flashes to give the ambience of seeing those on tv.

Maybe it's just me, but enough with the gimmick cameras, give me an even slightly more affordable medium format (new, 40k, yeah, bit out of my range, even used with good searching is around 10k), better low light (getting there and improving more and more), better dynamic range (seen in the medium format), etc. Point and shoots seem to be going away due to camera phones getting better and better (plus, why carry another when you have a good one on you already?).

One feature i would hope to see eventually, uploading right from the camera anywhere in the world to the internet. Imagine how police and government misconduct would be unable to fight it. Uploading right away, doesn't matter if they seize the camera or card, it's out there. I know that's more far in the future, but it's a dream.
posted by usagizero at 9:50 PM on January 10

One feature i would hope to see eventually, uploading right from the camera anywhere in the world to the internet. Imagine how police and government misconduct would be unable to fight it. Uploading right away, doesn't matter if they seize the camera or card, it's out there. I know that's more far in the future, but it's a dream.
posted by usagizero at 9:50 PM on January 10 [+] [!]

Your dream has come true usagizaro! When I shoot video on my iPhone 4, it gives me the options of instantly emailing, messaging or sending to youtube as built in functions. When I take photos I have the additional option of "tweet"ing or printing the image. Welcome to the future!
posted by smartypantz at 12:48 AM on January 11

A camera that runs Android. A camera that streams live to the internet. A camera that sees in all directions. A camera that flies. A camera that knows where it is and automatically uploads to Facebook. A camera that whitens your teeth. A camera that does your makeup for you. A camera that slims you by 10%. A camera that recognizes faces important to you, and turns off the flash so it doesn't disturb you as you are photographed sleeping.

Wrap that all in one device and I think you have another episode of Black Mirror.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:13 AM on January 11

Yeah, I wouldnt want to wake this up.

Or this.


(that is what I use my phone for.)
posted by louche mustachio at 1:30 AM on January 11 [1 favorite]

When I shoot video on my iPhone 4, it gives me the options of instantly emailing, messaging or sending to youtube as built in functions.

Better would be something like Ustream (and I know I used to have a similar app when I had a symbian phone), so the video goes out live.
posted by pompomtom at 1:42 AM on January 11

Pompomtom - is that what they used for the Occupy Wall Street live stream? I didn't know it was just a regular app - and it's free? Wow!
posted by smartypantz at 2:06 AM on January 11

What we need are cameras with an anti-cliche feature, a really-bad-composition warning, a you-already-shot-that-too-many-times trigger lock, and a people-are tired-of-you-taking-their-picture alarm, and a stop-taking-pictures-of-people-while-they-are-eating app.
posted by tommyD at 3:25 AM on January 11

Smartypantz: as far as I know, yes.

In the 'being hassled by the cops' scenario, the standard video app isn't much use if they can take your phone before you hit upload.
posted by pompomtom at 3:39 AM on January 11

These are things I look for in a life partner, not a camera.
posted by srboisvert at 3:47 AM on January 11

A camera that uses a decent-sized sensor instead of admiring its megapixel count and cute features.

(Still in production. May be shipped late 2024.)
posted by clvrmnky at 5:55 AM on January 11 [1 favorite]

umm, clvrmnky, isn't that the whole point of m43 cameras (most not more than 12mp, with large-area sensors relative to compacts) and the forte of the Leica M9 (full frame) or the Sony NEX series (APS-C, 14mpix)?

Those are BIG sensors on simple cameras, many of which can be had for under $500. What more do you want?
posted by fake at 10:47 AM on January 11

A camera that uses a decent-sized sensor instead of admiring its megapixel count and cute features.

Behold: Aptus II + Mamiya 645. Only $25K for the back and $4K for the body.

(Prefer Contax or Hasselblad to Mamiya? No problem.)
posted by phliar at 11:25 AM on January 11

The very few times i turn on sports, i see hundreds of flashes from the seats, and think "God, all those people can't really be that stupid, can they?" Then i just keep seeing more. :\ I'm at the point where i figure if people stop taking flash shots in the stands, the broadcasters would just add in the flashes to give the ambience of seeing those on tv.

I remember going to one of those Camble's Soup's "Stars on Ice" shows back in the day. This was back in, I guess the early 90s when red-eye reduction had just come out. Obviously nowadays it's just some algorithm that can find red-eyes in the image you just took, but back then it worked with a system where the camera flash would blink dimly once, then brighter a bunch of times *then* flash at full brightness (How did that technology work, by the way?)

Anyway, at this ice show when the performers would do a big move, like a triple lutz, or a backflip, or whatever people's flashes would almost always go off right *after* the the move.

But the hilarious thing was all the cameras with this analog red-eye reduction. You could clearly see the mini-flash go off, then the bust of flashes, then the final flash -- and the picture would be taken seconds after the actual jump.
posted by delmoi at 1:26 PM on January 11

umm, clvrmnky, isn't that the whole point of m43 cameras (most not more than 12mp, with large-area sensors relative to compacts) and the forte of the Leica M9 (full frame) or the Sony NEX series (APS-C, 14mpix)?

Those are BIG sensors on simple cameras, many of which can be had for under $500. What more do you want?

Yeah things have gotten better over the years from when it was either a huge DSLR or a point and shoot.
posted by delmoi at 1:29 PM on January 11

The old red-eye reduction blinked a lot so your pupils would contract, making them less likely to produce big red dots. Rather, they produced smal red dots, which could easily be detected and blacked out in YUV space.
posted by fake at 3:11 PM on January 11