Join 3,512 readers in helping fund MetaFilter (Hide)


Use Me As Your Body Pillow
January 29, 2012 8:00 PM   Subscribe

"Every so often I notice that someone has found this site by searching "Pregnant Woman Porn" and I have no doubt that I am not what they are looking for. But it got me to thinking..."
posted by the young rope-rider (44 comments total) 20 users marked this as a favorite

 
Those were awesome.
posted by mathowie at 8:10 PM on January 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Send those people my way. I have a story for them. Memail me for details.
posted by cjorgensen at 8:11 PM on January 29, 2012


I giggled so hard at one of these I may have peed a bit. Which seems, given the subject, rather appropriate and maybe even a way of showing approval.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:21 PM on January 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


Meh. I find all this "porn for women" stuff pretty insulting. Obligatory xkcd link.

(I grant you, I am not nor have I ever been pregnant. Maybe the hormones do something.)
posted by maryr at 8:25 PM on January 29, 2012 [17 favorites]


I don't think this is quite like "porn for women," because it focuses of stuff that really is associated with pregnancy. If ever I'm pregnant, I probably really will want to celebrate a normal gestational diabetes test by eating Skittles (abs or no abs, really.. Mmm, skittles!).

Now, it is pretty interesting how many have to do with reaffirming the attractiveness of the woman who's pregnant.
posted by meese at 8:31 PM on January 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


i generally agree about "porn for women" and the point the xkcd comic makes. however, i spent 10 years around a fuckton of pregnant women and new moms when i worked at a mall portrait studio, and this seems pretty true to what they say. lots of things about feet rubbing and nesting, and, yeah, some worry about their attractiveness at times.
posted by nadawi at 8:34 PM on January 29, 2012


I thought one of those guys was a total wimp. A real man would bake the cake. Buying a cake is for sissies.
posted by cjorgensen at 8:34 PM on January 29, 2012 [6 favorites]


Heh. The Ryan Gosling one reminded me of this.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:43 PM on January 29, 2012


Forget the beefcake photos. Did y'all check the other link on her site? The pumpkins giving birth one? I'm not saying do it, necessarily. I wouldn't want to be responsible if you have to pull an Oedipus. But .....basically....WHAT THE HELL? MORE THAN ONE PERSON HAS THOUGHT TO CARFULLY CARVE THEIR HALLOWEEN DECORATION INTO THE SHAPE OF A VAGINA AND THEN JAM A TINY PUMPKIN IN THE APERTURE?

Particularly, this is a thing to do at hospitals? (A lot of them have scrubs.)

You know, on the one hand, it's a big planet, with lots of stuff on it. On the other hand, I'm not sure if it's big enough if I have to share it with you freaks.

(Not you you. Them you. You know.)
posted by Diablevert at 8:47 PM on January 29, 2012 [15 favorites]


Dunno, I can't see Ryan Gosling as romantic any more. I know there's The Notebook and everything, but now I just always see his thought process as "You know what's really romantic after I kiss this girl for the first time? Kicking this guy's skull in. Yeah, she's gonna like that."
posted by maryr at 8:55 PM on January 29, 2012 [5 favorites]


On the XKCD link: I'd wager that the target audience for the site are women who have fucked at least once....
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:55 PM on January 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Pumpkins giving birth was responsible for a blown stitch in a place you don't want to know about. Those are the funniest gourds on the planet.
posted by the young rope-rider at 8:56 PM on January 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


Diablevert, people who work in reproductive health like Hallowe'en, too, you know.
posted by gingerest at 8:59 PM on January 29, 2012


I am also offended. Skittles are just not very good.
posted by Ad hominem at 9:00 PM on January 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


I can't see Ryan Gosling as romantic any more. I know there's The Notebook and everything, but now I just always see his thought process as "You know what's really romantic after I kiss this girl for the first time? Kicking this guy's skull in. Yeah, she's gonna like that."

Real Life Ryan Gosling is a peacemaker. Literally.
posted by Diablevert at 9:06 PM on January 29, 2012


Just deserts.

Men who've fantasized about other sex partners will now have to cope with knowing their mates fantasize that another man is the actual father of the child.
posted by jamjam at 9:10 PM on January 29, 2012



Real Life Ryan Gosling is a peacemaker. Literally.

Whoa! Hey girl, I know you think a street fight is totes hilarious, but I'm gonna break it up.
posted by sweetkid at 9:11 PM on January 29, 2012 [3 favorites]


I am also offended. Skittles are just not very good.
They're cheap and good enough...
posted by planet at 9:21 PM on January 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


MetaFilter: Holy shit, how am I going to feed all these pumpkins!?

Okay, this wasn't said here, but on the hilarious pumpkins-birthing-pumpkins page. Sue me.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 9:23 PM on January 29, 2012


Just deserts.

I guess the desert shit-crazy religions do tend to beat out the softer religions of the temperate regions. Whether those religions are just, though. Hm.
posted by maxwelton at 9:25 PM on January 29, 2012


Ok to each their own. If I had skittle money and wanted something to eat off someone's abs I would probably go with peanut butter m&ms. I realize this isn't really the point, skittles is just funnier than peanut butter m&ms. Skittles is what makes the joke work.
posted by Ad hominem at 9:26 PM on January 29, 2012


My life has just gotten worse ever since peanut butter M&Ms were released...
posted by planet at 9:35 PM on January 29, 2012 [4 favorites]


You would think pretzel M&Ms would be awesome, but not so much. Really, if I had my druthers, I would save up and instead of skittles I would buy Ferraro Roche, it really wouldnt take much convincing for me to eat Ferraro Roche of Ryan goslings abs, as long as they weren't too melty.
posted by Ad hominem at 9:40 PM on January 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


It's Ferrero Rocher...

I would be too shy to try to pronounce Ferrero Rocher...
posted by planet at 9:44 PM on January 29, 2012


I just realized I spelled it like it is pronounced,not how it is actually spelled. Now I have to buy candy I guess.
posted by Ad hominem at 9:49 PM on January 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


The concept of "phonetic spelling" privileges your particular dialect...
posted by planet at 10:02 PM on January 29, 2012


That was hilarious. My wife is going to love these. :)
posted by zarq at 10:10 PM on January 29, 2012


My wife is 9 months pregnant. We both laughed VERY hard. Bizarrely accurate! She agrees with the "porn for pregnant women" description. Thanks for posting,.
posted by johngumbo at 10:26 PM on January 29, 2012


My porn doesn't have to have actual sex or whatever, but I would prefer it not try to act like its providing me with some great gift of male sexiness that I should enjoy while it passive aggressively reminds of my cankles, my constipation, and my wierd obsessions and hormone fluctuations.
posted by HMSSM at 10:29 PM on January 29, 2012 [6 favorites]


I know the pictures arent really trying to be "real" porn, but something about them just got under my skin.

Although that could just be the hormones.
posted by HMSSM at 10:33 PM on January 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


I guess the desert shit-crazy religions do tend to beat out the softer religions of the temperate regions. Whether those religions are just, though. Hm.

You know the expression really IS "just deserts," as in "the things you so richly deserve," and has nothing to do with dessert, the after-dinner sweet course, right?

I loved these. Of course, in my second pregnancy, I didn't need porn of any kind for any purpose, because for whatever reason I was READY TO GO RIGHT NOW, even late in pregnancy when the baby was a really visceral part of me. Let me tell you, there is no greater mood killer when your husband says "Wait, what's that? Is the angle wrong or what?" than "Nope, everything's fine. That's your son's head."

that was the last time we had sex until the baby was two months old.
posted by KathrynT at 11:16 PM on January 29, 2012 [17 favorites]


No, he meant the Abrahamic religions associated with the desert, as distinct from, as he put it, those associated with the temperate regions. He was punning the deservire with deserere forms of desert. But dessert has the root deservire, also.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 11:47 PM on January 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


Are you sure? It looked like somebody who thought it was 'just desserts', and thought they'd make a snarky call-out.

Somebody wrong, in other words.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 12:15 AM on January 30, 2012


You know the expression really IS "just deserts,"

You've got to remember I'm a college dropout.
posted by maxwelton at 12:17 AM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]


I thought the pregnant porn jokes were pretty cute. But nothing made me laugh harder than KathrynT's comment.
posted by dabitch at 2:11 AM on January 30, 2012


My web log is called "Cooking Monster." I get a lot of hits for searches on "Monster Cook."
posted by crunchland at 4:07 AM on January 30, 2012


Eh. I kind of hate this sort of thing. Women are allowed to, and frequently enjoy, watching serious actual fucking as pornography. Or reading descriptions of serious, actual fucking. There's that stupid madonna/whore thing, and the idea that mums can't possibly be sexual creatures, that mums are inherently desexualized by pregnancy while dads don't suffer that pressure.

Increased sex drive while pregnant. Best sex positions during pregnancy.

There's also this really distressing thing where many men often cannot imagine that their wives want to look at sexy sex, and that they are capable of objectifying men just as gleefully and men do women. I sell a distressing amount of all-girl skin flicks to men wanting to introduce their lady friends to porn, but who consider it "gentler". Uh, your lady is clearly heterosexual, she probably likes watching cock. But it's too confronting.

So yeah, these sorts of "look! It's a six pack in loose shorts vacuuming! Surely the ladies cum to this!" thing gets me both ways.
posted by Jilder at 4:07 AM on January 30, 2012 [8 favorites]


t mums are inherently desexualized by pregnancy while dads don't suffer that pressure.

To balance out KathrynT's contributions to sex while pregnant... I had absolutely no sex drive whatsoever from the time I was knocked up until I finished breastfeeding. That's not to say I didn't have sex at all during that time... but... it was much more of an "effort" than it's ever been and honestly, a cheeseburger was way more appealing.

My husband, OTOH, wanted to re-impregnate me. Repeatedly. There were compromises to be made.

My point being that hormones are crazy things and some moms-to-be really do feel completely drained of any sexual impulse while pregnant. The "increased sex drive" thing really is true but it's not universal and putting it out there like it's some FACT that pregnancy increases your sex drive! is really doing a disservice to the ladies who, like myself, would really just like a damn cheeseburger and get that thing away from me.
posted by sonika at 5:32 AM on January 30, 2012 [3 favorites]


My husband, OTOH, wanted to re-impregnate me. Repeatedly.

A friend of mine (who was incredibly, even painfully turned on by his partner's pregnancy) called it "keeping her topped up." He likes the kid and doesn't really want more, but I think if he could he would keep her at about five months pregnant forever, just from a sexual point of view.
posted by Forktine at 6:15 AM on January 30, 2012


I had absolutely no sex drive whatsoever from the time I was knocked up until I finished breastfeeding.

That was me in my first pregnancy. Let's just say my husband is a saint.

As for the "don't remind me of my cankles" thing, I've seen plenty of depictions of women, say, fawning over bald men's heads. I think there's cultural precedent for the "No, that's not unattractive! That's incredibly sexy instead!" idea.
posted by KathrynT at 9:48 AM on January 30, 2012


As for the "don't remind me of my cankles" thing, I've seen plenty of depictions of women, say, fawning over bald men's heads.

Ah, but that may be because some bald guys are indeed rather hot, so it's sincere. And -- that also may be because some women do indeed find bald to be hot.

By the same token, I'm sure there are guys who also legitimately are into cankles. Wiring is weird.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:06 AM on January 30, 2012


As a straight male in his mid-20's, I am a little disturbed at how funny I found this. Also, conflicted about posting it to facebook.
posted by buriednexttoyou at 11:51 AM on January 30, 2012


Metafilter: a disservice to the ladies who, like myself, would really just like a damn cheeseburger and get that thing away from me.
posted by herbplarfegan at 2:24 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]


The internet has thrown me some very beautiful things today.

This has been one of them.

Thank you, The Internet!
posted by zizzle at 7:47 AM on January 31, 2012


« Older A useful tool for those who live in the northern r...  |  First Person Monster Blog... Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments