Health Care for The Rest of Us

February 10, 2012 1:33 PM

"Guardian 24/7 combines best-in-breed technology with protocols designed to serve the President of the United States, offering unprecedented medical attention to a demanding audience. Thanks to Guardian, your medical care can finally look like the rest of your life[...]. Our innovative ReadyRoom™ strategy places essential equipment, medications and supplies where you live, move and work. Yet everything is hidden away until needed. [...]Before Guardian, this kind of medical protection was only available to one person. But now, presidential-level care can be yours — on your schedule and your terms." Don't miss the embedded video. This appears to be in earnest.
posted by nobody (41 comments total)

If it is a joke, then they put one over on the NYT as well.
posted by Aizkolari at 1:37 PM on February 10

Yeah, I've just never felt safe in my aircraft and/or yacht. But what if I'm in Antarctica?
posted by obscurator at 1:41 PM on February 10

Here in the Seattle area there are a few high-end boutique or retainer medical outfits. In fact, they got there start here back in the mid-to-late 90s. Retainer fees are about $20K/year for the one of which I am aware. These are for those folks who are wealthy enough to self-insure and there are a lot of those people around here.
posted by bz at 1:45 PM on February 10

"Our innovative ReadyRoom™ strategy places essential equipment, medications and supplies where you live, move and work."

If only there were some kind of system in which patients could have trained medical professionals race to their aid and transport them at high speed to innovative Hospitals™ strategically located throughout the country. Patients, family members, friends, or even random passersby could perhaps dial a simple, easy to remember telephone number (maybe a three digit one if the scheme really takes off) and help could arrive within minutes in urban areas. If you're trapped under a collapsed building, out in the wilderness, or adrift at sea, specialized rescue teams could be immediately dispatched along with their helicopters, Jaws of Life, and other fancy gear. Heck, this system wouldn't even have to require pre-registration or pre-payment, meaning that they'd take care of anyone and everyone right away and only worry about the bills only after the emergency is over.

Nah. That could never work. Much better to just focus on a couple of rich guys who think they need operating rooms on their private jets.
posted by zachlipton at 1:48 PM on February 10 [11 favorites]

If you have to ask how much it costs, you can't afford it.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 1:49 PM on February 10

Nah. That could never work. Much better to just focus on a couple of rich guys who think they need operating rooms on their private jets.

So long as we first have affordable universal health care in the US, I don't care if rich people want to spend a bunch of money freeing up ER space for the rest of us. Though if we had a proper progressive taxation scheme there probably wouldn't be much of a market for this kind of thing.
posted by jedicus at 1:51 PM on February 10 [3 favorites]

It's a DocWagon Platinum contract!

The future is HERE!
posted by Samizdata at 1:58 PM on February 10 [4 favorites]

Hey, if you wanna make boatloads of money, you don't sell to the po' folk. Where they clearly went wrong, though, is making a web site accessible by the riff raff. Best to let it spread by word of mouth. Or at least put a password on it, for chrissakes.
posted by fungible at 2:00 PM on February 10

It's a DocWagon Platinum contract!

The future is HERE!

Not quite yet. This computer doesn't plug directly into my skull.
posted by axiom at 2:01 PM on February 10

Why does this seem like a joke? It seems like something that rich people would pay for because they feel it makes them safer.

I wouldn't be surprised if in 20 years, some form of this is the norm.
posted by CharlesV42 at 2:02 PM on February 10

I think I first heard about this on Colbert Platinum™.
posted by indubitable at 2:05 PM on February 10

Now that's Romneycare.
posted by brain_drain at 2:06 PM on February 10 [1 favorite]

Let's kickstart an arduino version of this.
posted by StickyCarpet at 2:06 PM on February 10 [4 favorites]

"we're dedicated to helping important people"

*barf*
posted by kuatto at 2:06 PM on February 10 [1 favorite]

I only saw one flag pin in that group of nerds. I say it's a pinko lefty scam.
posted by JoeZydeco at 2:10 PM on February 10 [1 favorite]

For Wealthy Hypochondriacs Everywhere(tm)
posted by davejay at 2:18 PM on February 10

I was watching this with the sound off, impatiently waiting for the scene where robot arms with scalpels pop out of the walls or whatever, when they showed the Four Presumably Wealthy White Dudes Who Were Tricked Into Supporting/Purchasing This Service montage. When the last guy in the bow tie popped up forty seconds in, I involuntarily snarled 'NEEERRRRRRDDDD'. And this is coming from me, after having spent the entire earlier work day prowling around reading rules clarifications for my next DnD character.

NEEERRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDD
posted by FatherDagon at 2:20 PM on February 10 [1 favorite]

Spend vast sums of money. Die anyway.
posted by roue at 2:25 PM on February 10 [2 favorites]

If you had the sound on, it was explained that those guys DESIGNED this thing.
posted by JoeZydeco at 2:26 PM on February 10

I bet nobody watched the same episode of Extreme RV's on Travel Channel last night that I watched.

If not, this is a strange coincidence (on the episode, an RV manufacturer builds a Guardian 24/7 station into an RV allegedly commissioned for Simon Cowell).
posted by muddgirl at 2:28 PM on February 10

(It's possible the person who forwarded this along to me watched that show. I didn't ask where it came from.)
posted by nobody at 2:41 PM on February 10

I hope I didn't come across as too-accusatory - it just seemed strange that I was mocking this concept not 24 hours ago, and here I get to mock it some more (they used the exact same line about the President of the United States on the show - I figured he got to travel with a real live medical doctor but maybe that's just an impression I got from West Wing).
posted by muddgirl at 2:43 PM on February 10

Samizdata: I was thinking DocWagon too, but in fact it doesn't appear that they do extractions, so who needs it?
posted by The Bellman at 2:47 PM on February 10

Does the IETF know about "protocols designed to serve the President of the United States"?
posted by tommasz at 2:48 PM on February 10

"Secure, tamper-proof dispensing of hundreds of medications, making most trips to the pharmacy a thing of the past."

I'd love to see the list here.

Given things like expiry dates, redundancy of product types (there are a lot of ways you can block adrenergic receptors) and the fact that the majority of medication is taken for chronic rather than acute issues, I applaud these guys on their ability to convince the very rich to subsidize drug research and development.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 2:53 PM on February 10

I hope I didn't come across as too-accusatory

Oh, not at all! I meant my reply as utterly neutral fact-giving and hadn't given it much thought, but I can see now that it likely reads as sternness. Sorry about that!
posted by nobody at 2:59 PM on February 10

From the department of money can't buy you happiness health: My doctor's patients are, apparently, more satisfied with him than the President is with his.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 3:04 PM on February 10

They must be serious. It's narrated by the guy from How It's Made.

(I watch a lot of How It's Made.)
posted by Madamina at 3:24 PM on February 10

I don't think these guys have a very good understanding of what actually constitutes "health care". These rich guys would be better off replacing this with a treadmill. Also, what Kid Charlemagne said; emergency medical care isn't really about "hundreds of medications". You're better off having someone around who knows CPR or how to stop that artery from bleeding you out.
posted by Fnarf at 3:26 PM on February 10

Also: traditionally, intensely personalized medical care for ultra-rich guys who don't actually have a specific condition tends to involve writing lots and lots of script for controlled substances. I'm thinking of Michael Jackson's doc, Conrad Murray. Is that what this is a front for?
posted by Fnarf at 3:29 PM on February 10 [1 favorite]

I'm surprised the automatic remote-prescription dispensary is legal.
posted by nobody at 3:29 PM on February 10

It's seriously, oddly niche. From what they showed on Extreme RV, you get:
(1) A teleconferencing system connected to an on-call doctor.
(2) The ability to transmit an EKG signal.
(3) A camera (I guess if the patient is passed out and someone else is talking to the doc?)
(4) A blood pressure cuff
(5) One of those ENT maginfier things, which I presume also transmits back to the doctor
(6) An AED (ok, this one is useful).

So a doctor might be able to tell if someone is experiencing a heart attack, but all they could do is prescribe drugs and tell them to go to an ER. They might be able to diagnose strep or bronchitis and dispense antibiotics. It made me wonder if Simon Cowell's got heart problems.

Is that what this is a front for?

Yeah, seems like it. "Doc, I can't sleep." "OK, I will prescribe horse tranquilizers which will automatically dispense. Thankfully I had the foresight to pre-stock them on your yacht. Gosh, how did I know that you would need those?"
posted by muddgirl at 3:34 PM on February 10

axiom: "It's a DocWagon Platinum contract!

The future is HERE!

Not quite yet. This computer doesn't plug directly into my skull."

Look, I'm in Windows right now as I plan on playing some games in a bit. You are sadly mistaken if you think I want Windows online plugged into my skull.

Besides, I want elective cyberlimb replacement first. My knees are so bad I couldn't run if Godzilla was chasing me...
posted by Samizdata at 4:05 PM on February 10

The Bellman: "Samizdata: I was thinking DocWagon too, but in fact it doesn't appear that they do extractions, so who needs it?"

That's with their Guardian 24/7/365 deluxe plan.
posted by Samizdata at 4:06 PM on February 10

What stops Mr. Super Rich Guy from deciding, dammit, these oxycodones aren't cutting it anymore, I want to get HIGH, and blowing the lock off the auto-dispensing whatever it is, if it has a lock, and burying his face in a big pile of sweet, sweet Dilaudids?
posted by Fnarf at 4:34 PM on February 10 [1 favorite]

But now, presidential-level care can be yours — on your schedule and your terms.

It's not truly Presidential-level care until you have Snake Pliskin standing by to rescue you.
posted by scalefree at 5:14 PM on February 10

Same thing that stops Mr. Rich Guy from going to his neighborhood pharmacy with an axe and a prybar and doing the same, I assume.
posted by hattifattener at 5:48 PM on February 10

What stops Mr. Super Rich Guy from deciding, dammit, these oxycodones aren't cutting it anymore, I want to get HIGH, and blowing the lock off the auto-dispensing whatever it is, if it has a lock, and burying his face in a big pile of sweet, sweet Dilaudids?

Because it's much easier and far less risky to hire a doctor to take care of your drug needs. Just look at Michael Jackson.
posted by zachlipton at 6:03 PM on February 10

Didn't that Libya dictator bad guy (uh... Gaddafi, Qaddafi, Khaddafi, um, what was he this week?) have his own private little hospital-type-dealie in his main mansion or something like this? Fat lot of good it did him.
posted by marble at 11:19 PM on February 10

If you're really rich this kind of thing is unnecessary, because a doctor is already part of the traveling entourage, along with a chef, hairdresser, sommelier, haberdasher, peacock trainer and a nonthreatening sidekick who laughs at all their jokes.
posted by Kevin Street at 11:38 PM on February 10

Kevin Street: "If you're really rich this kind of thing is unnecessary, because a doctor is already part of the traveling entourage, along with a chef, hairdresser, sommelier, haberdasher, peacock trainer and a nonthreatening sidekick who laughs at all their jokes."

Oh, and a fixer to arrange, then conceal the evidence of, your tawdry perverse liasons with the little people.
posted by Samizdata at 7:04 PM on February 13