Flamingos are a go.
March 3, 2012 2:17 PM   Subscribe

Last October, the newly rebranded Miami Marlins released an artist's rendering of a tacky home run celebration structure that would be built in their new stadium, to widespread derision. With the offseason nearing its end, the structure has moved from concept sketch to reality. Initial reactions note that the structure is mind-bogglingly enormous, and maybe actually kind of awesome. Recently, stadium staff gave the structure a test run.
posted by shadow vector (91 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite

 
Previously, and still spectacularly, disastrously awesome.
posted by ShutterBun at 2:22 PM on March 3, 2012


Nope! Still tacky as fuck!
posted by graventy at 2:23 PM on March 3, 2012 [5 favorites]


Wow. It's like Jimmy Buffett crossed with that guy who makes art by squirting paint out of his asshole.

I guess this is what passes for public art in our brave new world.
posted by R. Schlock at 2:24 PM on March 3, 2012 [3 favorites]


You spelled awful wrong.
posted by Splunge at 2:25 PM on March 3, 2012 [3 favorites]


All else aside, think of the fear this thing will inspire in visiting pitchers, when every time they throw a home run pitch, THAT goes off.
posted by Blasdelb at 2:31 PM on March 3, 2012 [3 favorites]


What's the big deal, everything in Florida looks like that.
posted by bleep at 2:32 PM on March 3, 2012 [34 favorites]


Haha, this is pretty good kitsch.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 2:32 PM on March 3, 2012


Yup. So unabashedly tacky and bad that it is actually awesome.
Pretty high concept stuff for major league baseball, or any league of baseball for that matter.
posted by Flashman at 2:32 PM on March 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


From the Youtube comments:
"And the Miami High School Drama Club proudly´╗┐ presents: Marlins Home Run Feature"
posted by hepta at 2:33 PM on March 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


Since when do homeruns require "celebration structures"? I'll admit I've pretty much given up on watching baseball but I'm pretty sure the last game I watched didn't have one in the ballpark.
posted by tommasz at 2:33 PM on March 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Professional baseball is entertainment.

Oh fuck you. The circus is "entertainment." Bad dinner theater with your parents-in-law is "entertainment." Watching Hoarders while stoned to the point of catatonia is "entertainment."

Baseball, on the other hand, is a sacrament.

Ok, granted that makes Bud Selig the pope and Manny Ramirez the worlds most fucked-up altar boy, so the metaphor is a little strained. But still, the Marlins are still trying to transubstantiate shit over there.
posted by R. Schlock at 2:34 PM on March 3, 2012 [15 favorites]


On Thursday, I wound up having to be at work from seven in the evening until eleven the next morning. Then I went in the next evening and worked another nine hour shift on no sleep. Then I came home, slept for 14 hours, woke up, decided to check Metafilter and saw that. I think I'm broken now.
posted by Toby Dammit X at 2:37 PM on March 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


It's gorgeous! I don't know why people are so dismissive of this but get all teary eyed about the passing of the golden age of pinball machines and jukeboxes. It seems to be in a fine tradition of American popular art.
posted by steganographia at 2:39 PM on March 3, 2012 [17 favorites]


Transcendent. It might inspire a new religion.
posted by longsleeves at 2:40 PM on March 3, 2012


Since when do homeruns require "celebration structures"?

It gives the stadium a pinball machine sort of feel. Soon they'll start multiplying all the points by huge powers of 10, and adding point multipliers.
posted by Philosopher Dirtbike at 2:40 PM on March 3, 2012


The URL on the "mind bogglingly enormous" link is great.
posted by idiopath at 2:41 PM on March 3, 2012


Looks like something from the Balco labs. Maybe Victor Conte and Barry Bonds were in on the design with the Commish, after some bong hits.
posted by Vibrissae at 2:43 PM on March 3, 2012


Since when do homeruns require "celebration structures"?

Outfield walls have been decorated with ads for over 100 years, and many of those ads have been jokey and fun. "Hit it here!" and my favorite, "GAP" ads placed in the actual gap. This is just the same thing writ large and over-the-top.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:48 PM on March 3, 2012


I feel like the Star Wars prequels were a turning point where after that nothing could come out that was spectacularly, catastrophically, obviously awful without someone immediately going online and writing a super-flimsy article about "no, the thing that's obviously terrible is actually great!"
posted by drjimmy11 at 2:49 PM on March 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Okay snobs, I want to see your great idea for a marlin-themed animatronic party machine.
posted by theodolite at 2:50 PM on March 3, 2012 [19 favorites]


Metafilter: Flamingos are a go

Rather disappointed the test run video, while bringing us the wonderful quote above, didn't actually show off the full deal. I think I'm getting swayed to the "Holy crap, this is insane to the point of being a blast". I had no idea how huge it would be- for the love of god, this monstrosity will induce seizures in 20,000 people* the first time the Marlins hit back-to-back homeruns.

How did I miss the silliness that Miami has built a... retractable roof stadium? That wasn't even necessary for Seattle's ballpark, much less Miami.

* Because sure, the Marlins are ever going to draw a full house of 37,000
posted by hincandenza at 2:51 PM on March 3, 2012


This is also one of those cases where both sides are tremendously wrong.

There's the tiresome baseball purists, torturing their "baseball =America" metaphors and longing for a "mom and Apple pie" lily-white country and game that never existed, all the while denying the obvious fact that the NBA and NFL are our national games now.

Then there's the people insisting stuff like this isn't objectively terrible when it obviously is.
posted by drjimmy11 at 2:52 PM on March 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Okay snobs, I want to see your great idea for a marlin-themed animatronic party machine.

Well I'm no animatronic party machine expert or anything but mine would at least feature harpoons and shotguns.
posted by IvoShandor at 2:54 PM on March 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


What does Scott Stapp think?
posted by Threeway Handshake at 2:54 PM on March 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


The only way this machine could be more awesome was if it played a medley of Boney M songs.

At all times.
posted by elizardbits at 2:56 PM on March 3, 2012 [5 favorites]


Whatever happened to the Everyone Gets A Free Round Feature?
posted by user92371 at 2:57 PM on March 3, 2012


not enough fire/glitter or fire glitter
posted by the young rope-rider at 3:04 PM on March 3, 2012 [6 favorites]


The Marlins now play baseball inside of a gigantic pinball machine. And not just any pinball machine. One of those trippy, cartoony 70's one-two-three-FOUR-five pinball machines. It's not kinda awesome, it's entirely awesome.
posted by penduluum at 3:04 PM on March 3, 2012 [3 favorites]


Miami Marlins Home Run Feature John Waters Directing 2001 a Space Odyssey.

I was thinking more like Roger Waters, personally.
posted by scalefree at 3:04 PM on March 3, 2012


It's fantastic. It's wonderful. It's the perfect expression of joy. I love it.
posted by seanmpuckett at 3:05 PM on March 3, 2012


You guys need to lighten up. Big tacky shit is fun. This thing is awesome.
posted by Hoopo at 3:07 PM on March 3, 2012


A+ + + + + + + + Would home run agaen !!!!!!!!
posted by jaduncan at 3:07 PM on March 3, 2012 [5 favorites]


I feel like the Star Wars prequels were a turning point where after that nothing could come out without eventually being compared to them.
posted by ShutterBun at 3:08 PM on March 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


Fear and Loathingesque as it is, I'd jump at the chance to trade seeing this monstrosity every day for being able to root for Jose Reyes. "Sacrament" aside, wouldn't most fans (supposing we could just choose who to root for) prefer Florida's good taste in ballplayers over other teams' better taste in stadium design?
posted by RogerB at 3:08 PM on March 3, 2012


That wasn't even necessary for Seattle's ballpark, much less Miami.

Summer in Florida is very hot, very humid, and this leads to a great deal of thunderstorm activity -- 80 to 100 a year, concentrated in the summer months. The rainy season in Florida is June through September.

So, a dome in Miami makes a lot of sense.
posted by eriko at 3:08 PM on March 3, 2012 [7 favorites]


I normally don't care much for baseball unless the Hiroshima Carp or the Nippon Ham Fighters are involved, but I think seeing this thing in action would make me a believer.
posted by A Thousand Baited Hooks at 3:09 PM on March 3, 2012


Also. Metafilter: It's like Jimmy Buffett crossed with that guy who makes art by squirting paint out of his asshole.
posted by jaduncan at 3:09 PM on March 3, 2012


Perfect.
posted by sc114 at 3:10 PM on March 3, 2012


I try not to dump on FL for all the weird things that go on there, but boy do they make it tough to hold back.

That thing is hideous looking.
posted by lampshade at 3:14 PM on March 3, 2012


It looks like a Blingee, brought to life.

I think it's awesome. I want to see somebody hit the spinning Marlin on the top.
posted by Elly Vortex at 3:15 PM on March 3, 2012


which is worse: kitsch or ironically appreciating kitsch
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 3:18 PM on March 3, 2012


Homerun celebration thingamajigs have existed for a long long time. The mets have had the homerun apple for over 30 years and that thing is fucking awesome.
posted by Ad hominem at 3:21 PM on March 3, 2012


I want this for my apartment.
posted by dirigibleman at 3:24 PM on March 3, 2012 [3 favorites]


That thing has single-handedly bumped Miami up to the top of my baseball road-trip list.
posted by aaronetc at 3:25 PM on March 3, 2012


Summer in Florida is very hot, very humid, and this leads to a great deal of thunderstorm activity

Not to mention 120 degrees on the mound in August, and not a breath of air stirring.
posted by halfbuckaroo at 3:25 PM on March 3, 2012


So they finally jazzed it up.
posted by The Whelk at 3:29 PM on March 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Relevant gif.
posted by dirigibleman at 3:29 PM on March 3, 2012 [17 favorites]


Some folks seem surprised, even shocked, that anything Red Grooms is on the planning committee of can be seen as "tacky," "shocking" or even "outre."

These people need to get out more.

(nota bene: Wayne White was a apprentice of Red Grooms back in the day, and he went on to design Pee Wee's Playhouse. Mr. White is pretty restrained compared to his mentor.)

I eagerly await the Howard Finster or R.A. Miller sculptures at the next Braves game. We can do all those adjectives so much better here in Georgia and with half the wailing and gnashing of teeth. Ted Turner, don't let me down.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 3:34 PM on March 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Seeing that, I think I can imagine what Dock Ellis was going through when he pitched that no-hitter.
posted by exogenous at 4:05 PM on March 3, 2012 [7 favorites]


This is fantastic. And it'll be even better after the first few audience members fall into it and are ground into a fine paste by the cross-cutting waves, their skulls cracked by the flapping flamingo wings, and their bodyparts impaled on the marlins' spear, to endlessly circulate in the animatronics, striking fear and awe into the hearts of the visiting team.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 4:07 PM on March 3, 2012 [8 favorites]


It makes me wonder what we could do here for the Diamondbacks. They won the Series in 2001, and shortly after that the state became Crazypalooza(tm).

I'm thinking Jesus descending from a cloud, and then firing the official state pistol into the air, while an animatronic Maricopa County Sheriff's deputy chases a guy in a sombrero. Now that would capture the spirit of what Arizona has become this past decade.
posted by azpenguin at 4:11 PM on March 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


In Phoenix, the homerun celebration thing involves water cannons shooting H2O high into the air around the outfield swimming pool (which is actually a thing people buy tickets to for ballgames), and then sprinklers running in the pool area for a bit.

Because, you know, how else do you celebrate something in the desert than by wasting water?
posted by hippybear at 4:12 PM on March 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Flamingos are agog.
posted by argonauta at 4:12 PM on March 3, 2012


I always mix up Red Grooms and Red Green.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 4:18 PM on March 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Also, one more vote for "completely fucking awesome."
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 4:20 PM on March 3, 2012


It gives the stadium a pinball machine sort of feel. Soon they'll start multiplying all the points by huge powers of 10, and adding point multipliers.

Multiball! MULTIBALL!

[/futurama]
posted by solarion at 4:39 PM on March 3, 2012 [4 favorites]


I'm trying hard not to think of how this is thing is the result of Loria skullfucking my Expos.
posted by docgonzo at 4:47 PM on March 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


The only way this machine could be more awesome was if it played a medley of Boney M songs.

At all times.


Agreed, but I'd go with only Rasputin. On repeat. It would be like the time my friend's housemate in university went away for the weekend and left the stereo in his room playing Stomping Tom's Hockey Song on repeat the entire time he was gone. At first it was annoying as all fuck but then it became rather zen.
posted by Go Banana at 4:49 PM on March 3, 2012


Agreed, but I'd go with only Rasputin. On repeat.

But if they go with "Brown Girl in the Ring" instead, they get the bonus of vaguely creeping out anyone who's seen Touching the Void recently!
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 5:08 PM on March 3, 2012



In all seriousness, I think that (the very aptly named) Fuck Yeah make exactly the right theme music for this thing. Example.

For music that makes it worse in exactly the right way, I humbly suggest the soul-bludgeoningly life-affirming song stylings of Parachute Club.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 5:14 PM on March 3, 2012


New t-shirt idea: "Celebration Structures"
posted by LMGM at 5:15 PM on March 3, 2012


I have never been so right about something before in my life!

I have tears of joy streaming down my face that I dabbed off with the homer hanky that will now be placed in a cedar chest, as I go out to replace my Twins gear with a garishly-sequined Marlins outfit because of this joyous monstrosity.
posted by This_Will_Be_Good at 5:15 PM on March 3, 2012 [4 favorites]


Does this qualify as seapunk? (warning: NYT style section)
posted by metaman livingblog at 5:41 PM on March 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


The only way this could be better is if it is supposed to be serious, rather than what it is, fun kitsch. Like there were endless, rather sober, meetings where power-dressed consultants nodded thoughtfully as each sub-committee brought their ideas forward.

"We think the wings need to rotate about 27 degrees each direction, with no more than six seconds taken for a complete cycle."

"Agreed, Sandra. Jim, do you have the figures on the leaping marlin from the fisheries expert?"

Etc.
posted by maxwelton at 5:48 PM on March 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


The first YouTube comment on the video of this says it all,

"Omg dats shits so ugly fuks up the veiw of downtown.. But still GO MARLINS´╗┐."
posted by xingcat at 6:02 PM on March 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


I want this for my apartment.

I just want the apartment that this thing will fit inside of. It can remain unmolested in Miami.


and i will live in this apartment with tony stark and we will have all the sexytimes. all of them.

it is hard to contain all my avengers feels sry

posted by elizardbits at 6:02 PM on March 3, 2012 [4 favorites]


Okay, so I am watching this video with Rasputin on repeat and I think I may have actually awakened my buddha-nature.
posted by elizardbits at 6:08 PM on March 3, 2012


The only way this machine could be more awesome was if it played a medley of Boney M songs.

At all times.


I can't beat that, but I would like to add an awesomeness multiplier.

It also constantly emits organic solvents so that everyone in the stadium is having a low-level paint thinner high. And then, at home run: LAUGHING GAS!!!
posted by Meatbomb at 6:10 PM on March 3, 2012


You just wait until a generation of baseball fans grows up watching this thing go off. This is the kind of thing people become inexplicably attached to. It will be declared a historical landmark and carefully transported to the next Marlins stadium in 50 years.
posted by the jam at 6:24 PM on March 3, 2012 [8 favorites]


I saw the gif that dirigibleman posted from the sbnation comments thread and nearly lost it on the train. Going to work, wearing a suit (on a freaking Sunday, dammit), and trying to stifle the guffaws that want so desperately to come out. That might well be the best gif I have ever seen, and it's more than made my day.
posted by Ghidorah at 6:26 PM on March 3, 2012


Yeah, well, down in St. Louis we just have a 400 foot tall likeness of Stan Musial who shoots holographic World Series Championship Trophies out of his eyes everytime someone hits a home run. For alternate Sunday home games, he's dressed in the "slave Leia" outfit.
posted by IvoShandor at 6:33 PM on March 3, 2012


In Phoenix, the homerun celebration thing involves water cannons shooting H2O high into the air around the outfield swimming pool (which is actually a thing people buy tickets to for ballgames), and then sprinklers running in the pool area for a bit.

This might actually get me to a baseball game. Throw in a book and you've got yourself a brand new baseball fan.
posted by the young rope-rider at 6:38 PM on March 3, 2012


This is a truly great piece of kitsch.
posted by halonine at 7:00 PM on March 3, 2012


I have my very own celebration structure. It is just called the bar down the street. What, they do have bell you can ring!
posted by Belle O'Cosity at 7:04 PM on March 3, 2012


This guy is really into it.
posted by dirtdirt at 7:05 PM on March 3, 2012


> Nippon Ham Fighters

Now this is a team that could inspire greatness in a home-run celebration structure. Imagine gigantic fighting hams crushing their rivals into spam while cocktail franks pirouette, waving banners of bacon.
posted by Quietgal at 7:10 PM on March 3, 2012


In Phoenix, the homerun celebration thing involves water cannons shooting H2O high into the air around the outfield swimming pool (which is actually a thing people buy tickets to for ballgames)

I didn't believe until I saw it with my own eyes. Shame it's so small and only available for suite rental. I was imagining something the size of a wave pool!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:58 PM on March 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Yikes. It's tacky even by Miami standards.

It hardly even does anything: The fish-on-sticks go around, the flamingos kind of wiggle their wings a bit, the "waves" move back and forth, the rainbow lights up, and none of it seems particularly celebratory.

And what's with those "waves"? They are not shaped like waves. They are not the colour of waves. They look like giant graffitoed turds and nothing else.

The whole thing is such an embarrassment that if I were a Marlin, I'd be tempted to strike out just to avoid directing any attention toward that giant chunk of yuck.

a fish tank behind home plate

Is that really a real thing that is really happening?

PLEASE DO NOT TAP ON THE GLASS

OR DROP YOUR NACHOS IN IT

OR HIT IT WITH FOUL BALLS

OR YELL
posted by Sys Rq at 8:14 PM on March 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


So, who are the moneyball-style statistical wizards on MeFi that can tell me what Marlins game I should get tickets for this upcoming season to guarantee the most home runs. I do not have much money, so I can only buy ONE ticket (I will be spending the rest of my money on airfare to fly across the country to see this thing).

So, I need to know either which team the Marlins hits the most home runs against, or who hits the most home runs against the Marlins...or ideally, which match-up is guaranteed to create the most swirling vegas showgirls flamingo flashing seizure waves splashing epileptic excitement.

Now that I have seen that thing, though, I realize I don't have to worry so much about where my tickets are because that is just going to be glorious from any angle.
posted by This_Will_Be_Good at 9:02 PM on March 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Is that really a real thing that is really happening?

Yes.
posted by radwolf76 at 9:10 PM on March 3, 2012


Red Grooms on the planning committee? That's all you need to know.

Also: if it has already been built, and functions, then it cannot be too big.
posted by oneironaut at 9:13 PM on March 3, 2012


That wasn't even necessary for Seattle's ballpark

Um, you do know they play baseball in the rainy months in Seattle, right?

And you know implying there are non-rainy months gets you banished to outer Bellevue. I'm sorry, but I have to report you now.
posted by dw at 9:45 PM on March 3, 2012


By every metric, I should hate this, but actually kind of love it. It reminds me so much of growing up in Florida, for reasons I can't even really vocalize.

I just hope and pray for the day that Tampa finally gets its new stadium so the Rays don't have to play in a repurposed Sams Club anymore.
posted by daniel striped tiger at 10:43 PM on March 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


One of those trippy, cartoony 70's one-two-three-FOUR-five pinball machines.

My god, if this thing played that song I would drive down from Oregon and hit a home run there myself just to see it.
posted by darksasami at 12:49 AM on March 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm surprised that Romero Britto didn't get the contract. I was under the impression he had Miami under personal trademark by now. That said, this is awful enough to advance the city's goal of becoming the Vegas on the Caribbean.
posted by mkhall at 6:31 AM on March 4, 2012


If you really want to fear for your sanity, in this video Red Grooms shows how restrained the final version is compared to his early visions. Yes, really.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 7:25 AM on March 4, 2012


I'm actually more fascinated by this part of the article: "There are some Florida lawmakers who want to enforce a decades-old law that would require Marlins Park to become a homeless shelter when it isn't in use."
posted by decathecting at 8:58 AM on March 4, 2012


Yeah, well, down in St. Louis we just have a 400 foot tall likeness of Stan Musial who shoots holographic World Series Championship Trophies out of his eyes everytime someone hits a home run.

You lie. You so lie.

He's only 393 feet tall.

and cubs fans planted ivy on him. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
posted by eriko at 1:48 PM on March 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


No offense, but from the post itself, I thought the size of it would be something outrageously awesome. Like visible from space or something. So, frankly, I'm a little bit disappointed. I want flamingos so large they tower over T-Rex skeletons in museums. Marlins so huge they block out the sun. The kind of sculpture that would give children nightmares simply due to its all-encompasing mass. While I applaud the artistic design, I think something this should be as immense as it is gaudy, so it can be left behind and gawked at for generations like some Mayan ziggurat of WTF.
posted by Metro Gnome at 3:46 PM on March 4, 2012 [2 favorites]


Marlins so huge they block out the sun.

OMG! IT'S A 500 FOOT TALL OZZIE GUILLEN!!!!
posted by eriko at 6:33 AM on March 5, 2012


New video with all the lights, water, and motion going.
posted by Copronymus at 8:35 AM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


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