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I hope his face hurts too.
March 5, 2012 6:46 PM   Subscribe

They make Girl Scouts tougher these days.
posted by Diablevert (51 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

 
Or less tough.
posted by jenlovesponies at 6:50 PM on March 5, 2012 [10 favorites]


San Antonio. Guys lucky she didn't pull a .45.
posted by sfts2 at 6:50 PM on March 5, 2012


Awesome story.

*munches a samoa*
posted by xmutex at 6:50 PM on March 5, 2012


“Who steals from a Girl Scout? I mean, seriously, it’s like the worst thing ever,” she said. “I hope your face hurts from when Iravia punched you -- jerks!”

Awesome.
posted by book 'em dano at 6:52 PM on March 5, 2012 [19 favorites]


Republicans don't like them. Good luck with that.
posted by fungible at 6:53 PM on March 5, 2012


> San Antonio. Guys lucky she didn't pull a .45.

It was in Houston.
posted by Burhanistan at 6:57 PM on March 5, 2012


From the Jezebel coverage:

For as the Girl Scout promise goes,
On my honor,
I will try
To serve time
if someone steals from or otherwise crosses my sister
To be feared or risk living in fear,
And to live by the Girl Scout Law:
Blood in, blood out.

posted by thanotopsis at 7:03 PM on March 5, 2012 [13 favorites]


So a Colt Peacemaker?
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 7:03 PM on March 5, 2012


The original Girl Scout handbook does have instructions for tying up a burglar with eight inches of rope...
posted by Flannery Culp at 7:05 PM on March 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


Or dumber. Unsecured lockbox? Their pockets are more secure. Chasing and hanging on to the car? The one who got dragged is lucky not to have been run over, and they're both lucky the robbers didn't have a weapon.
posted by cmoj at 7:08 PM on March 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


In their defense, they're nine. Jesus.
posted by craichead at 7:11 PM on March 5, 2012 [12 favorites]


Actually it said she was a 9-year Senior Girl Scout, so that's high school age. Still badass imo.
posted by book 'em dano at 7:21 PM on March 5, 2012


Houston? Coulda been a minigun...
posted by sfts2 at 7:21 PM on March 5, 2012


I feel proud of them for trying to fight. They seem tough, and I like it! But I have to agree that the safest thing to do under those circumstances is to let the robber take the money and report the crime to the cops with as much detail as possible. I'm so glad neither of them was seriously hurt.
posted by juliplease at 7:29 PM on March 5, 2012 [5 favorites]


The one who got dragged is lucky not to have been run over

What else could she do? They were selling Tagalongs.

[I'm here all week folks. Remember to tip your waiter.]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:33 PM on March 5, 2012 [7 favorites]


This is what happens when you start letting boys in! Now they are all violent monsters!


/you don't have to ask if this is sarcasm.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 7:38 PM on March 5, 2012


This doesn't surprise me. I have two daughters in Girl Scouts, everything surrounding cookie sales is insane.
posted by narcoleptic at 7:47 PM on March 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


The absolute, safest thing to do is to just let the money go. It's not enough to risk life and limb, take down the license plate, and let the cops go taser someone for the positive press release.

On the other hand, if I want a girl to learn the right way to respond to physical violence, it's hit back and hit back hard. Control the situation as much as you can for as long as you can, fight and fight well. Once you surrender, you're in a really bad place.

Never, ever stop hitting them in the face, Iravia! Shout "Fire!" and scream, "Guys, I'm over here! Help!" as loud as you can, no matter where you are or what time it is.
posted by Slap*Happy at 7:49 PM on March 5, 2012 [7 favorites]


No Kidding.
posted by travis08 at 7:53 PM on March 5, 2012


Happy ending to the story.
posted by Runes at 7:54 PM on March 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


My daughter's troop is selling cookies, and I am the Cookie Mom. The instructions for selling cookies at tables like this - they call them booth sales - say OVER AND OVER AND OVER that the money should NOT be kept in a cashbox or anywhere on the table. It should be on an adult's person *at all times*. They suggest fanny packs or over-the-shoulder purse/wallets. Seriously, there are several giant blocks of text in different sets of material about this. It should never have been an issue at all, if anyone followed any instructions at all.

The adults who were there with the girls are the ones who failed.

The girls? They are made of awesome. I can totally see some of the girls in our troop causing some harm.
posted by Lulu's Pink Converse at 7:57 PM on March 5, 2012 [7 favorites]


Shoot, a happy ending would be if the Girl Scouts sent out a vigilante posse to track down and nab the perps. Then, they would be murdered, carcasses processed, and their meat and organs would be distributed throughout next years Girl Scout cookie batch.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:59 PM on March 5, 2012 [4 favorites]


So, there's a merit badge for Awesome, right? And they get it, right? Failing that, an appropriate badge for Badassesness? You know, for stuff like fighting bears, or holding on to a car like you're T.J. Hooker.
posted by Ghidorah at 8:02 PM on March 5, 2012 [6 favorites]


No, that would be very sad.
posted by hydrophonic at 8:03 PM on March 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


(replying to Burhanistan)
posted by hydrophonic at 8:04 PM on March 5, 2012


My daughter's troop is selling cookies, and I am the Cookie Mom. The instructions for selling cookies at tables like this - they call them booth sales - say OVER AND OVER AND OVER that the money should NOT be kept in a cashbox or anywhere on the table. It should be on an adult's person *at all times*.

Apparently no one reads that rule, because the thin mint suppliers around these parts always have their little tin box o' cash on the table. I agree that it should not be that way, but I guess for convenience the box is simpler.
posted by winna at 8:06 PM on March 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


> No, that would be very sad.

It was a joke, Francis.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:10 PM on March 5, 2012 [4 favorites]


So let me get this straight. You're a robber, and you've decided to rob girl scouts. You can grab a) a cash box with a couple hundred bucks in it, or b) a whole freaking stack of girl scout cookies. And you grab the cash? Seriously? What the hell were you thinking?
posted by Hypocrite_Lecteur at 8:47 PM on March 5, 2012 [21 favorites]


I was going to try to joke about it, but as low as it is to steal from the Girl Scouts, at least these desperados stopped short of willfully harming these girls. Despite the self aggrandizing wording the girls were quoted, the 'truthiness' sounds more like the girls put themselves in dangerous
situations and the robbers, recognizing that, risk their escape by gently (relatively) shaking the scounts.

This should not encourage other scout members from pursuing similar courses if action - what if the crooks cared less about other people's life? Especially with the increasing widening gap between the uberwealthy and the 99-99.9%. EU countries running austerity programs are seeing big spikes in petty crime. This trickles up to the middle class along with everything else, and the middle class gets hit directly, too.
posted by porpoise at 9:12 PM on March 5, 2012


Hardcore.
posted by Estraven at 9:21 PM on March 5, 2012


You know, Lulu's Pink Converse, if you could figure out a way to sell to MeFites, you could make a fortune. I can't be the only one lacking in a local Cookie Mom/Girl Scout connection. (I have to buy my cookies on the subway. It seems somehow unwholesome.)
posted by maryr at 9:21 PM on March 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


Goddammit I want Samoas right now.
posted by tzikeh at 9:28 PM on March 5, 2012


There are three Girlscout moms in my office.

"Would you like to buy some Do-Si-Dos?"

No! Go away! I'm already fat!

"Would you like to buy some Peanut Butter Patties?"

No! A thousand times no!

"Would you like to buy some Lemon Coolers?"

Nnn..nnnn... no?

"Would you like to buy some Caramel Delights?"

Yusss. Myyyy precioussssssss...

(Keebler came out with some Samoas/Caramel Delight clones. I bought a package, and prepared to nom like I had never nommed before. No! Bad! Do not want! There's something... wrong... with them! I ate two and tossed the rest of the package.)
posted by Slap*Happy at 9:34 PM on March 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


Eh, they've always been pretty tough. : )
posted by SisterHavana at 9:48 PM on March 5, 2012


This is maybe the first time I've been hopeful about Texas' lax interpretation of the 8th Amendment. I would sleep just fine if the crooks were sentenced to be beaten up by any girl scouts who chose to show up for it.

(also, girl scouts rock.)
posted by Navelgazer at 9:59 PM on March 5, 2012


This is why I'm scared of girls.
posted by Joe in Australia at 10:02 PM on March 5, 2012


The Girl Scouts have to tough these days, what with members of Congress out to destroy them and all.
posted by driley at 11:46 PM on March 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


Poor kids. But seriously, isn't this some spin on a story about how there weren't any adults on the scene which lead to girls getting robbed and putting themselves in danger for the sake of money?
posted by karathrace at 12:46 AM on March 6, 2012


I would totally watch an action movie called Iravia Cotton, Girl Scout.
posted by jack_mo at 1:57 AM on March 6, 2012 [5 favorites]


Despite the self aggrandizing wording the girls were quoted, the 'truthiness' sounds more like the girls put themselves in dangerous
situations and the robbers, recognising that, risk their escape by gently (relatively) shaking the scounts.



I...have no idea why you think that. If you watch the linked video, the circumstances are pretty clear: they're standing in front of the Walmart, a guy rolls up in a black Camry, his accomplice gets out and strolls up to the table, chats briefly with the girls, then grabs the cash box and runs. Two girls chase after him and attempt to prevent them from getting away, one punching him through the car window and the other grabbing onto the car. The car pulls out of the parking lot at speed. Stopping to beat up the girl scouts would only have slowed their getaway.

Also, y'all, again if you peep the video, the first person interviewed is the mother of one of the girls, who is on the scene. The interviewer doesn't ask heron camera if she was present for the robbery, but from context the entire interview seems to have taken place very shortly after the robbery. It seems they may not have followed the guidelines in having a cash box instead of a purse, but it seems to me quite likely that there were adults there.
posted by Diablevert at 2:12 AM on March 6, 2012


Girl scouts pimping cookies in ailing economy need to move on from the cash box.

Thankfully, There's an app for that.
posted by nickrussell at 2:51 AM on March 6, 2012


I can just imagine the jailhouse talk...

Murderer: Hi, what are you in for?

Girl Scout Bandit: er....mmmmmmphememum

Murderer: Wait? What? I asked "what are you in for?"

Girl Scout Bandit: *hangs head*
posted by sfts2 at 3:05 AM on March 6, 2012 [3 favorites]


So wants some popcorn sold in a can?

As a former Eagle Scout I can tell you that everyone in our troop hated selling popcorn. How the fuck can we compete with cookies? They're chocolate cookies!?! Failure of a marketing idea.
posted by Fizz at 7:19 AM on March 6, 2012


All those cookies and they went for the cashbox?

Sometimes I just don't understand people.
posted by Zed at 7:38 AM on March 6, 2012


Goddamn I am proud to be a lifetime member. This makes me want to find Samoas and watch the spunky Troop Beverly Hills until the whole box is gone.

(Though, seriously: the money stays on your person! Preferably an adult person! Unless you've got one of those tiny Brownies with a missing tooth in front. They're unstoppable. I'm pretty sure having kids that cute selling cookies made of crack is some kind of mind control crime.)
posted by jetlagaddict at 8:42 AM on March 6, 2012 [1 favorite]


with apologies to David Mamet


Scoutmistress Blake: Let me have your attention for a moment! So you're talking about what? You're talking about...(puts out her cigarette)...bitching about that sweater you knitted, some cunt that doesn't want to play foursquare, somebody that doesn't want what you're baking, some guy you're trying to "study with" and so forth. Let's talk about something important. Are they all here?

Williamson: All but one.

Blake: Well, I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important! (to Levene) Put that cocoa down!! Cocoa's for signers only. (Levene scoffs) Do you think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from the Council. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Levene?

Levene: Yeah.

Blake: You call yourself a Girl Scout?

Moss: I don't have to listen to this crap.

Blake: You certainly don't bitch. 'Cause the good news is -- you're expelled. The bad news is you've got, all you got, just one week to regain your status, starting tonight. Starting with tonights sit. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this months cookie sales. As you all know, first prize is a pony. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize's a merit badge. Third prize is you're expelled. You get the picture? You're laughing now? You got Thin Mints. Girl Scout Council paid good money. Get to those malls and offices and sell! You can't sell cookies you're given, you can't sign shit, you ARE shit, hit the bricks bitches and beat it 'cause you are going out!!!

Levene: The cookies are weak.

Blake: 'The cookies are weak.' Fucking cookies are weak? You're weak. I've been in Girl Scouts for nine years.

Moss: What's your name?

Blake: FUCK YOU, that's my name!! You know why, girl? 'Cause you rode a fucking Huffy to get here tonight, I galloped in on my own Arabian stallion. That's my name!! (to Levene) And your name is "you're wanting." And you can't play in a Scout's game. You can't sign them. (at a near whisper) And you go home and tell your mom your troubles. (to everyone again) Because only one thing counts in this life! Get them to sign on the line which is dotted! You hear me, you fuckers? You see this iphone? You see this iphone?

Moss: Yeah.

Blake: That phone cost more than your bike. I made $9700 last year. How much you make? You see, girl, that's who I am. And you're nothing. Nice girl? I don't give a shit. Good daughter? Fuck you -- go home and play with your dolls!! (to everyone) You wanna be in this troupe? Sell!! (to Aaronow) You know what it takes to sell cookies?

It takes brass balls to sell cookies.
posted by bl1nk at 10:07 AM on March 6, 2012 [2 favorites]


maryr: "You know, Lulu's Pink Converse, if you could figure out a way to sell to MeFites, you could make a fortune. I can't be the only one lacking in a local Cookie Mom/Girl Scout connection. (I have to buy my cookies on the subway. It seems somehow unwholesome.)"

I have NINE CASES of Thin Mints in my living room RIGHT NOW. Among other things.

Oh, and the troop only keeps $0.55 to $0.70 per box that they sell. All the rest goes back to the council. So those cute Brownies (which is what my daughter's troop still is) are busting their butts for pennies on the dollar. Therefore: BUY MOAR COOKIES!

Oh, and if you want to support those cute Brownies, but don't want the cookies - though that makes you insane - you can buy virtual boxes for Operation Cookie Drop, and the real cookies will go to deployed troops. But the troop still gets their pennies.
posted by Lulu's Pink Converse at 11:27 AM on March 6, 2012


You know, though. Thin Mints taste like cardboard, ass, and syrup compared to Back to Nature's Fudge Mints. GSA really needs to get their heads in the game if they want to get my cookie dollars, worthy cause or not.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:33 AM on March 6, 2012


We also have cases of cookies in the garage, and haven't been able to get any booths set up - one troop aparently grabbed 14 slots, grrr. So if you're in the Twin Cities and don't know any Girl Scouts, I got your cookie hookup.
posted by Flannery Culp at 11:46 AM on March 6, 2012


Keebler came out with some Samoas/Caramel Delight clones. I bought a package, and prepared to nom like I had never nommed before. No! Bad! Do not want! There's something... wrong... with them! I ate two and tossed the rest of the package.

I concur that they are NG. Not enough caramel and an apparent lack of toasted coconut (or whatever it is) in the biscuit itself. That was my appraisal.
posted by maryr at 2:22 PM on March 6, 2012


Metafilter: Never, ever stop hitting them in the face.
posted by benito.strauss at 4:16 PM on March 7, 2012


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