The Thin Wall Challenge
March 8, 2012 5:11 PM   Subscribe

Hi, my name is Ryan, and that sound you're hearing is my neighbors back there doin' it. Welcome to The Thin Wall Challenge. (MLYT) (mildly nsfw)
posted by Evernix (122 comments total) 36 users marked this as a favorite

 
Oh thank god. As soon as the challenge started, I thought for sure he was gonna reach for the Kleenex and have a "race" with his neighbors.
posted by ShutterBun at 5:19 PM on March 8, 2012 [18 favorites]


Wow. That right there is an awesome way to deal with one's frustrations.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 5:24 PM on March 8, 2012 [3 favorites]


Huh. Up until now I thought the proper response was to sit there and quietly masturbate. Learn something new every day.
posted by Awakened at 5:24 PM on March 8, 2012 [12 favorites]


Someone should advertise his challenges in the building as the ultimate passive aggressive message to keep it down.
posted by notseamus at 5:26 PM on March 8, 2012


Remember that post about how when you live alone, you get weird? Yeah.
posted by knave at 5:27 PM on March 8, 2012 [11 favorites]


Things like this make me thank the long departed 19th century contractors who built my townhouse and the apartment building it's attached to for putting four layers of solid sound-insulating brick between us and the tenants next door. 'Cause if I can hear their sexytime, that means that they can hear ours.
posted by octothorpe at 5:27 PM on March 8, 2012


...and, sadly, I've now come to the thought that I shan't be having sex tonight, either. Sigh.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 5:27 PM on March 8, 2012


I used to be able to actually see my neighbors having sex whenever I walked out onto my back porch. It took some serious will power to not just stand there and stare. What's weird about hearing my neighbors is that the few times I've heard it, when I was outside reading or something, it usually had been going on for several minutes before I even registered what that sound was. "Yeah I think the BBQ is hot enough, ahhh what a nice evening, is that bird poop or spackle on the satellite disshhholy shit, that chick is loud!"
posted by Brocktoon at 5:39 PM on March 8, 2012 [2 favorites]




I used to be able to actually see my neighbors having sex whenever I walked out onto my back porch. It took some serious will power to not just stand there and stare.


That would have been rude. One should be seated with a refreshing beverage for such a spectacle.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:41 PM on March 8, 2012 [12 favorites]


I once lived next door to a screamer.
This woman would go into the most eloquent
vocals during sex. my girlfriend and I would
crack open a couple of beers, kick back and
listen. it was like going to a Diamonda Galas concert.
posted by quazichimp at 5:42 PM on March 8, 2012 [30 favorites]


A wall? Hell, I live next to the GODDAMN FURNACE. Turns out those things can have amaaaaazing orgasms when the beast with two backs is face first towards a vent on the floor moulding.
posted by Slackermagee at 5:44 PM on March 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


I used to share a bedroom wall and a back deck with my neighbors. That meant that not only did I get to hear their three minutes of sweeeeeet lovemaking, but in pleasant weather, I also overheard their postcoital talk as they came outside, crossed to my side so they could sit on my deck chairs (next to my bedroom's only window), and smoked cigarettes.

It went like this, pretty much word for word, each time:
him: That was great.
her: mm-hm.
him: That was really great.
her: mm-hm.
him: I rocked your world!
her: sure.
posted by Elsa at 5:47 PM on March 8, 2012 [47 favorites]


Geez - that first link: barelytwominutesthenbamstraightintotheshower...man, that's just pathetic and depressing on so many levels. "Several times a week" or not, I don't envy their relationship at all. And I say that as someone who has experienced reluctant singlehood and associated involuntary celibacy for over six years now.
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:50 PM on March 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Yeah, do your partner a favor, take a shower before sex. This isn't Melrose Place.
posted by Brocktoon at 5:52 PM on March 8, 2012 [4 favorites]


And I say that as someone who has experienced reluctant singlehood and associated involuntary celibacy for over six years now.

Have you experienced parenthood?
posted by DU at 5:53 PM on March 8, 2012 [15 favorites]


(MLYT)

Now you're just messing with us! Or you saw my recent MeTa post and you're messing with people like me.

I used to be able to actually see my neighbors having sex whenever I walked out onto my back porch.

Very interesting. If you happen to be free of those pesky things known as "scruples" you could make yourself a modestly wealthy man.
posted by MattMangels at 5:56 PM on March 8, 2012


In college, Junior year, my dorm room had bunk beds. I had the top bunk. My roommate and his girlfriend would come home drunk and proceed to get busy in the bottom bunk.

Funny thing about physics. While they tried to be quiet and move as little as possible, the slight movement in the lower bunk turned into quite severe movement in the upper bunk. Like "the weather started getting rough/the tiny ship was tossed" rough.

Unlike this dude's neighbors, my roommate and his girlfriend had significant stamina, even drunk, and it could be as long as thirty minutes to an hour before they finished. I would lie silently on the top bunk on the verge of seasickness.

In my fantasies, I would leap down midway through their coitus one night and announce "sorry guys, have to go to the bathroom - can we finish this up when I get back?" but I never had the nerve.

I did however have one challenge I would provide for myself - I'd see how high I could count silently in my head before they finished. Once, I got to 12,000, though I usually lost count around 500 so I don't trust the higher number.
posted by Joey Michaels at 5:58 PM on March 8, 2012 [10 favorites]


barelytwominutesthenbamstraightintotheshower...man, that's just pathetic and depressing on so many levels

To be fair, it's totally possible that his neighbors (and my mine) have a more extensive period of activity before the [louder vocalizing/huffing and puffing] starts. Three minutes of moaning doesn't mean three minutes of sex.

In my neighbors' case, it was her tone --- that flat, bored, slightly annoyed tone-- even more than her reticence that made me think otherwise.
posted by Elsa at 5:59 PM on March 8, 2012 [6 favorites]


The Chat Roulette episode is pretty awesome.
posted by hanoixan at 6:00 PM on March 8, 2012 [16 favorites]


"the weather started getting rough/the tiny ship was tossed"

if the ship's rocking that hard, the man in the boat must be getting tossed around pretty good
posted by nathancaswell at 6:04 PM on March 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Moved into this place not too long ago:

"Oh hey neighbor! So you're living next door with your girlfriend?"

"Uhh.. yeah."

*me forces handshake*

"Alrighty, be sure to tell me if I'm too loud, haha. Whatever the time of day. I'll do the same."

".. OK"

*he leaves home at 6 AM*
posted by pyrex at 6:06 PM on March 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


Wait... Which is you and which is the neighbor?
posted by cmoj at 6:08 PM on March 8, 2012 [7 favorites]


Video 5 was especially funny as he slowly realises the challenge is orders of magnitude more difficult than he anticipated. Great quote: "You gotta corner em.... but this is a circle!"
posted by smoke at 6:09 PM on March 8, 2012 [3 favorites]


My roommate and I double-dated two friends, and they used to come over on the same night to see us; we would break up into pairs and go do things like see a movie or whatever. My girlfriend and I would often come home and have to end up waiting in the car in the driveway - her friend was loud loud loud (and she and my roommate would often shag in the living room for some reason). Good times.
posted by KokuRyu at 6:11 PM on March 8, 2012


That meant that not only did I get to hear their three minutes of sweeeeeet lovemaking, but in pleasant weather, I also overheard their postcoital talk as they came outside, crossed to my side so they could sit on my deck chairs (next to my bedroom's only window), and smoked cigarettes.

This is so terribly awful I laughed out loud.
posted by KokuRyu at 6:14 PM on March 8, 2012


Today I learned that if I see a comment that consists of five relatively short lines, and if the first line is "I once lived next door to a screamer," and if, by some bizarre fluke, the comment is not a limerick, I will immediately devote all of my brainpower to thinking up words that rhyme with "screamer" and as such will be totally incapable of actually following the content of the comment.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 6:16 PM on March 8, 2012 [44 favorites]


WAR ON SEX
posted by crunchland at 6:16 PM on March 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Hilarious and awkward! It was too cringy for me to watch the entire thing, but this would have made my former neighbors a lot more entertaining.

At least his neighbors aren't twice a day screamers. Oy.
posted by Space Kitty at 6:20 PM on March 8, 2012


I once lived next door to a screamer
Whose partner would regularly ream her
From my seat on the porch
I would see their debauch
but I never espied the dude's weiner.
posted by smoke at 6:22 PM on March 8, 2012 [149 favorites]


Have you experienced parenthood?

I hear what you're saying, but my child is currently 24 and that hasn't been a factor for quite a while. I'm just lousy at relationships, apparently.

To be fair, it's totally possible that his neighbors (and mine) have a more extensive period of activity before the [louder vocalizing/huffing and puffing] starts.

Fair enough; but given the video's evidence of only a *single* 2-3 minutes of the vocal/panting stage, followed by an instant leap directly from (male only?) orgasm to shower stall with a total lack of post-coital lingering - and I've skimmed some of the other videos and that pattern seems to hold...it isn't really indicative of the sort of depth of intimacy and communication that leads to extended foreplay, n'est-ce pas?
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:22 PM on March 8, 2012


smoke totally bear me too it, but...

I once lived next door to a screamer
And I, for my part, was a dreamer
The walls would shake
And jolt me awake
When her boyfriend would start to ream her.
posted by Joey Michaels at 6:23 PM on March 8, 2012 [10 favorites]


Hilarious and awkward! It was too cringy for me to watch the entire thin

The Chat Roulette post should not be missed.
posted by KokuRyu at 6:23 PM on March 8, 2012


I once lived next door to a screamer

Alas, it is beyond my abilities to come up with a limerick that incorporates "lemur" "Cleveland Steamer", and "double-teamer", but I'm willing to bet cold cash that such a masterpiece would easily rocket to the top of the MeFi "Favorites" page!
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:27 PM on March 8, 2012 [12 favorites]


The Chat Roulette episode is pretty awesome.

Oh man, it really is. It also made me never want to experience Chat Roulette myself, even though the scavenger hunt idea is kind of great. It would have gone faster if the list just said "penis penis penis penis."

I liked the dude who was naked but got up and put on a towel to help him find a scavenger hunt item. Quality!
posted by little cow make small moo at 6:29 PM on March 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


smoke totally bear me too it, but...

He may have been first, but I'm going to need a citation on what strange dialect exists in which 'porch' and 'debauch' rhyme.
posted by Hargrimm at 6:30 PM on March 8, 2012 [3 favorites]


Today I learned that if I see a comment that consists of five relatively short lines, and if the first line is "I once lived next door to a screamer," and if, by some bizarre fluke, the comment is not a limerick, I will immediately devote all of my brainpower to thinking up words that rhyme with "screamer" and as such will be totally incapable of actually following the content of the comment.

I once lived next door to a screamer
Twice a week she had twins double team her
But she got her comeuppance
When I sold for a tuppence
My sex tape to Vivid's talent screener

Doesn't quite scan. Still, i tried.
posted by Diablevert at 6:30 PM on March 8, 2012 [11 favorites]


and here's another great reason to rent vs buy
posted by fatbaq at 6:37 PM on March 8, 2012


@Diablevert:

This scans a touch better:

I once lived next door to a screamer
Twice a week she had twins double team her
But she got her comeuppance
When I sold for a tuppence
A tape to a porn talent screener
posted by hanov3r at 6:38 PM on March 8, 2012 [6 favorites]


I once lived next door to a screamer
Who could bend into positions like a lemur
Some day I'll pop in
And maybe we can double-team her.

I tried.
posted by Malice at 6:40 PM on March 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


Four line limericks should be the new five line limericks.
posted by Joey Michaels at 6:41 PM on March 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


I once lived next door to a screamer
Was she sullied by a Cleveland Steamer?
A lemur's shrill call
Was no match for hew bawl
It turns out she had broken her femur.
posted by ShutterBun at 6:41 PM on March 8, 2012 [39 favorites]


A bowl of beer and marshmallows? This is how he rewards himself? I can't even think about his neighbors for the beer and marshmallow treat. Which maybe is the point.
posted by notashroom at 6:42 PM on March 8, 2012


hew her
posted by ShutterBun at 6:43 PM on March 8, 2012


He may have been first, but I'm going to need a citation on what strange dialect exists in which 'porch' and 'debauch' rhyme.

It's called Australian. Now I'm intrigued, what does "Debauch" rhyme with in your language?
posted by smoke at 6:45 PM on March 8, 2012 [4 favorites]


Do I have to do everything myself? Fine...

I once lived next door to a screamer
Whose boyfriend would frequently ream 'er
I thought it a sin
but soon I gave in
and wanked while she'd scream like a lemur.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 6:46 PM on March 8, 2012 [9 favorites]


In west coast american english, "debauch" rhymes with "my crotch."
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 6:48 PM on March 8, 2012 [6 favorites]


I once lived next door to a screamer
Who was living in sin with a lemur
Her screams would disguise
its stark, ghostly cries
So I guess I felt sad for the lemur.
posted by willF at 6:51 PM on March 8, 2012 [22 favorites]


Wow, the gauntlet has been thrown down! Okay, here's my effort:

I once lived next door to a screamer
Who could shriek like an oversexed lemur.
But then I found out
That her deafening shout
Was disgust at a beau's Cleveland Steamer!
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:54 PM on March 8, 2012 [25 favorites]


i once lived next door to a screamer
who liked to make love in her beemer
she drank way too much
and made love to the clutch
the headline read "krispy kreamer"
posted by pyramid termite at 6:57 PM on March 8, 2012 [3 favorites]


UNSUBSCRIBE
posted by crunchland at 7:02 PM on March 8, 2012 [20 favorites]


what does "Debauch" rhyme with in your language?

"Orange".
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:03 PM on March 8, 2012 [14 favorites]


I once lived next door to a screamer,
Most loudly when they'd double-team her.
One more to three,
Was just not to be
The extra weight shattered her femur.
posted by orthicon halo at 7:14 PM on March 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


i once lived next door to an orange
i once lived next door to an orange
UNSUBSCRIBE! UNSUBSCRIBE!
UNSUBSCRIBE! UNSUBSCRIBE!
i once lived next door to an orange
posted by pyramid termite at 7:19 PM on March 8, 2012 [94 favorites]


In west coast american english, "debauch" rhymes with "my crotch."

shoot, in west coast american english, ANYTHING "rhymes" with anyone's crotch
posted by pyramid termite at 7:23 PM on March 8, 2012 [3 favorites]


I once lived next door to a yeller
Who squeeled being reemed by her feller
The girl was so loud
Her momma'd be proud
But I for one was not a

These are harder than I thought.
posted by msali at 7:30 PM on March 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


The baloon-popping one actually had me gigglesnorting at one point.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:43 PM on March 8, 2012


A chronic asthmatic next door
Would pant briskly, and then pant some more
But her pants were so loud
As though pantsless she plowed
Thus while wheezing she sounded a whore.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 7:51 PM on March 8, 2012 [3 favorites]


I once lived next door to a screamer
By day you might easily deem her
A prig or a prude
But at night she got lewd
And her orgies? I knew none extremer
posted by hattifattener at 7:57 PM on March 8, 2012 [26 favorites]


I used to put on appropriate Sex and the City episodes (sex swing was a good one) and turn it up loud when the roommate was getting it on in a wall-banging fashion. Good times.

Alas, fuck if I know how to limerick that experience. Well, I have nothing else to do tonight but try....

My roommate'd be having a fling
And it turned out to be wall-banging schwing
I turned on Sex and the City
got in the mood with some titty
and watched Samantha on the sex swing.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:58 PM on March 8, 2012


So the best part about the first one is on the last two seconds. Turns out balloons sting when you pop 'em .

The best part about the Chatroulette one isn't the actual people he meets (so. many. dicks.) but how sad and disappointed he looks when his bowl of marshmallows and Blue Moon turns out to be exactly as nasty as it sounded.
posted by valkyryn at 8:00 PM on March 8, 2012


I once lived next door to a couple
Who on Fridays became a quintuple
One night while I napped
Someone's vertebrae snapped
(It turns out #5's not so supple)
posted by Sys Rq at 8:02 PM on March 8, 2012 [11 favorites]


Was disgust at a beau's Cleveland Steamer!

What's a...never mind, I don't want to know.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 8:02 PM on March 8, 2012


I suck at limericks, but I like haikus. So...

Metafilter:

A bunch of people.
Typing on the internet.
Rhymes about the sex.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 8:04 PM on March 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


The sexy sex times.
Can be heard through my thin walls.
Post it to YouTube.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 8:06 PM on March 8, 2012 [3 favorites]


Ryan, you succeed
at making annoyance fun
now the shower starts
posted by gcbv at 8:09 PM on March 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


I once lived next door to a screamer
A poetess, so it would seem--- er,
that is: with the boys,
she'd make lots of noise,
and all in iambic pentamemer
posted by hattifattener at 8:16 PM on March 8, 2012 [5 favorites]


Seriously, dude
you should just go out and buy
noise-cancelling 'phones
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 8:16 PM on March 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


A Boston accent will help this one out a bit, I think. (we're still doing limericks, right?)

I once lived next door to a screamer,
Who only drank raspberry Zima
One startling day
She vanished away
I knew that was too much Noxema!
posted by orthicon halo at 8:22 PM on March 8, 2012


Of all the mefi derails I've been involved in, I think this is the one I'm proudest of.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 8:23 PM on March 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


I once lived next door to a tweeter
Whose boyfriend had quite a big peter
Though frequently sexed
He could be quite vexed
At the 240-charac[...]
posted by hattifattener at 8:26 PM on March 8, 2012 [8 favorites]


I once live next door to a creeper
who had said he was a heavier sleeper
so in our love making sessions
we weren't quiet with our sexin's
-- turns out he was a video diary keeper
posted by empath at 8:34 PM on March 8, 2012


Who could bend into positions like a lemur

Who contorted herself like a lemur?
posted by LionIndex at 8:35 PM on March 8, 2012


My bedroom wall sits along
That of a lass with a voice made for song
But alas she sings not
A lark left to rot!
By a maestro who can nae play on
posted by ellF at 8:36 PM on March 8, 2012


Dude needs to get a microphone, some software and a couple big speakers.

Play it back to them with a small delay, and see if he can come with his version of the Japanese silence gun.
posted by Ayn Rand and God at 8:38 PM on March 8, 2012 [4 favorites]


That eavesdropping blogger next door
Made a challenge each evening we'd score
If we'd dawdle, he'd win
So it seemed no great sin
To rush through and then shower for more.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 8:41 PM on March 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


I once lived next door to a screamer
Who contorted herself like a lemur
She'd try to unknot
but the louder she got
Metafilter: get used to disappointment.
posted by mecran01 at 8:41 PM on March 8, 2012 [24 favorites]


So in the balloon video, the neighbors still seem to be going at it at 1:44. At 1:48, the shower switches on.

Is the neighbor lady having sex with Rick Santorum? Literally as soon as he's done he's like "OH GOD JESUS IS ANGRY AT ME I NEED TO WATCH THE SIN OFF." and vaulting into the shower? Just how close is the shower to the bed? Are they actually having sex in the shower stall and when he's done he just reaches up and turns on the water?
posted by thehmsbeagle at 9:11 PM on March 8, 2012 [5 favorites]


If they're doing it right, SHE's the one bolting for the shower afterwards.
posted by ShutterBun at 9:18 PM on March 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


Not mine, but relevant:

By the banks sat the Bishop of Buckingham
He was cooling his balls, he was dunkin'em
And watching the stunts
of the cunts in the punts,
and the tricks of the pricks as was fuckin'em.
posted by benito.strauss at 9:31 PM on March 8, 2012 [3 favorites]


I was thinking the same thing as thehmsbeagle. There's someone on the other side of that wall that consistently takes less than five seconds to go from sex to turning on the shower?
posted by grouse at 9:31 PM on March 8, 2012


Listening to the neighbors hump is a major part of why I hope to never again rent an apartment.

His neighbors were out on a limb,
Too much fucking according to him.
YouTube insider,
Wanting to ride her,
But sounding much too prim.
posted by Forktine at 9:40 PM on March 8, 2012


Yeah grouse, unless it is something like this.
posted by mlis at 9:42 PM on March 8, 2012


benito.strauss that just instantly was heard in my mind being sung by Shane MacGowan.
posted by Mei's lost sandal at 9:52 PM on March 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


Was disgust at a beau's Cleveland Steamer!

His thoughts were red thoughts: What's a...never mind, I don't want to know.

Yeah, trust me, you really don't.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:26 PM on March 8, 2012


When I was in my last semester of college, I moved into a shitty apartment in the East Village which happened to have some astounding Rear Window views. My roommate was also, like, best friends with Ben Curtis (the Dell Dude) and there was a moment one night early in our stay there when we were heading up to the place one Spring evening with some six-packs. Ben and I were first up to the place, while Rob was dealing with a purchase or something, and the apartment was totally dark when we walked in, but we heard... things. Through our open window.

Ben and I silently walked over to the window to see, not ten yards from us, some extremely graphic displays from our hot neighbor across the back alley. As we're gaping at this, Rob comes in, and we gesture him over, doing what we thought was our part to make it clear that we were being quiet. About two seconds later, Rob shouts out a bellowing, "Oh, fuck, she's going down on him!" The blinds remained forever closed after that.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:41 PM on March 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


That was not her navel.
posted by maryr at 11:04 PM on March 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Have similar issue, but not later evening, late afternoon, downstairs neighbour. Had a "teachable moment" with my son about it. Awkward. He found it hilarious (he's 11) and bellowed "They're always doing that!" Not sure if they heard but it didn't change anything.

It caused quite the conversation stopper at dinner with a guest recently, in fact.
Luckily said guest was a close friend with a sense of humour, First she just raised an eyebrow, and then, a few minutes later when it was over, said, disapprovingly, "that's it?!"
posted by chapps at 11:29 PM on March 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Time to post a link about Caroline Cartwright - a woman who was presented with an Anti Social Behaviour Order (ASBO) forbidding her from making excessive noise during sex, anywhere in England. Acquiring such a document - and then breaching its tersm after a few days - is probably worthy of some kind of prize.
posted by rongorongo at 11:30 PM on March 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


I'm enjoying the limericks. so may I offer you all the semantic rhyming dictionary.
posted by chapps at 11:32 PM on March 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


First week I moved in here, the junkies in the other unit were raided by police and the neighbour over the fence gave her husband a fairly good blowjob in the shower. Yay for high density living.



Week 3.
posted by b33j at 11:33 PM on March 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


the neighbour over the fence gave her husband a fairly good blowjob in the shower.

eponysterical.
posted by Philosopher Dirtbike at 11:41 PM on March 8, 2012 [3 favorites]


One moonless night my ex-roommate and I brought some girls home after the bar, and he and one of the girls head inside to get us all drinks on the porch. The bedroom light pops on, giving us front row seats hidden by the late hour. We're both rooting them on as they are stripping down and they start going at it… Suddenly we both realize he still has his LONG BLACK SOCKS on (this is the middle of summer) and nothing else. We berated his "sock" technique until he was quite finished with her, but of course they couldn't hear us.

And he never figured out why we started calling him "Sox" after that night.
posted by atomicmedia at 11:48 PM on March 8, 2012


A couple with grace and decorum...
posted by erniepan at 11:59 PM on March 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


he and one of the girls head inside to get us all drinks on the porch

Forgive the interruption, but how do you pronounce "porch"?

There is a lot riding on this.
posted by ShutterBun at 12:03 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


If they're doing it right, SHE's the one bolting for the shower afterwards.

Back to the Cleveland Steamers again, amirite?

Young Ryan, our neighbour, would listen,
When we're fuckin' and shittin' and pissin'
If he'd lose the toy cars,
And visit some bars,
The poor sap would soon learn what he's missin'.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:43 AM on March 9, 2012 [4 favorites]


My neighbour is known as a screamer
whose fetish was a big Cleaveland steamer
She propositioned me once,
and as it fell from her buns
I knew then I wasn'a receiver.
posted by DuchessProzac at 1:15 AM on March 9, 2012


I once lived next door to a singer
Who liked to have sex that did linger
Her cadenzas were blithe
As she'd gyrate and writhe
Astride of her pianist's finger.
posted by Pallas Athena at 2:40 AM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]


My neighbours, above, were both loud
They neighed and they barked and meowed
My ceiling would thunder
And I would sit under
All horny and jealous and cowed.

(Ah, memories!)
posted by h00py at 3:35 AM on March 9, 2012 [3 favorites]


Screamer in his bed
Resonates through my old house
Which has subsidence
posted by TheAlarminglySwollenFinger at 3:39 AM on March 9, 2012


His thoughts were red thoughts
Did haikus long before me
And better too. Shit!
posted by TheAlarminglySwollenFinger at 3:41 AM on March 9, 2012


What's a...never mind, I don't want to know.

There has never been a more apt time for this...






$20, same as in town.
posted by The GoBotSodomizer at 4:36 AM on March 9, 2012 [3 favorites]


He yelled and farted
He caused shaking walls a lot
Fucking noisy prick.
posted by h00py at 4:43 AM on March 9, 2012


Against all my will
I learned of 'Cleveland Steamers'
Now I hate you all
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:56 AM on March 9, 2012 [4 favorites]


A couple with grace and decorum...

Well, I dunno about Decorum, but Grace wasn't half bad, eh?
posted by ShutterBun at 5:17 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


Decorum?! Damn near killed 'em!
posted by Floydd at 6:57 AM on March 9, 2012 [4 favorites]


Flagged for limericks.
posted by MtDewd at 6:59 AM on March 9, 2012 [4 favorites]


Time was, I neighbor’d by a noisy screamer;
I saw her not, but in the dark I’d dream her
In visions seen by me and my Redeemer
And none beside; which passing grew extremer.

Soon I envision’d her, her eye agleam, her
Body’s sweat subliming into steam, her
Fulsome breasts both cover’d with whipp’d cream, her
Muscles, toned by some workout regime, were

Being lick’d by a full wrestling team, were
Tensing for an orgasm supreme - her
Nightly trysts, to explicate my theme, were
In my mind, far more than they might seem for

Those who, there in truth, saw but her glower
When they hopp’d off her and went to take a shower.
posted by kyrademon at 8:37 AM on March 9, 2012 [11 favorites]


Me and the wife, camping.

"I can't stand it."
"What?"
"In the next tent over. They're having sex."
"Really?"
"Look."

I look over, and while I can't hear anything, I distinctly see a head rhythmically bulging against the tent wall.

"Awesome!"
"Shut up, they'll hear you."

I look at my wife.

"No," she says.
"What?"
"I know what you're thinking. No. We're not having tent sex."
"Not ever?"
"I didn't say 'ever.' We're just not having sympathetic tent sex with the neighbors."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:22 AM on March 9, 2012 [18 favorites]


Yeah, do your partner a favor, take a shower before sex.

This is not a good idea when you have long, absorbent hair and a pre-sexy time shower means putting a drippy wet, cold sponge into the bed. Or if you have dry skin, but oddly produce a half gallon of sweat from trying to rail someone's orifice for a descent amount of minutes so that you need a shower post coitus (also happens if you aren't using condoms to collect spent umm... fluids (okay it sound no less dirty even if you don't name it) and get droplets in your hair, or in a Pollock pattern all the way from nipple to hip.

Instead, wash your bits gently to remove anything possibly unpleasant without getting soaked, brush your teeth and shove the long, flip in your face hair into a loose hank.
posted by Phalene at 10:13 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


This is not a good idea when you have long, absorbent hair and a pre-sexy time shower means putting a drippy wet, cold sponge into the bed.

Or if your partner prefers the smell of human body to soap and detergent.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 10:25 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


i once lived next door to an orange

PT, I just laughed so hard that I started to get dizzy. Congrabulations, you are officially... dangerously funny.
posted by FatherDagon at 10:28 AM on March 9, 2012


Damn, I wish I was a limmericker.

All I can relay is a Army roommate who brought a young lady home late in the evening. She was too close to one of those flimsy metal wall lockers and their position involved her head hitting on the metal with each, um, thrust. Add to that that she was a LOUD moaner AND that it went on longer than anyone would hope.

Ooooh - BANG - ooooooh - BANG, etc.,
posted by Man with Lantern at 11:19 AM on March 9, 2012


erniepan: A couple with grace and decorum...

...In privacy formed up a quorum
To do their molestin'
In a manner clandestine
From the neighbors behind and before'em
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:28 AM on March 9, 2012 [3 favorites]


File under neighbor sex.

one time as a single guy in DC i was on the roof of an apartment having a drink with a girl I just met and was just getting to know, I was post-split up with a long term college girlfriend and pretty fried and awkward because of this.

While we talked, behind her head I was distracted to see a bare ass pumping and pumping into something, she sensed this and we both turned around to realise that we were looking straight into the open window of a 5th floor hotel room on Connecticut Ave. And a guy going AT it doggy style. When he finished, the person on the bottom jumped up.... and put on his white t shirt.

Now I would laugh, but at the time, it was tough getting the mood out of stilted awkwardness. Two midwesterners on a roof, G&Ts in hand, and hardcore buttsex as a conversation starter.

Some balloons would have come in handy
posted by C.A.S. at 1:35 PM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


I am moving next week because my neighbor has very loud sex and my walls are extremely thin. Seriously. Actually, it might not be the walls as much as her boyfriend's voice that resonates with the walls and therefore, no matter what kind of noise I try to put on to cover it up, I still hear his moaning over everything. Last weekend they were going at it and I was flipping through Netflix streaming to see what I could put on to drown the noise out. "Psycho" (the Gus Van Sant version) was available, so I put that on full volume. I know they had to have heard it, but they still kept going for another 45 minutes.

I was hoping she'd move out when her lease was up, but alas, she re-signed. I loved my apartment before she moved in a year ago, but for my sanity I have to leave. Sigh.
posted by Fuego at 1:48 PM on March 9, 2012


David Copperfield and Claudia Schiffer woke me up one night having sex. True story.

I was staying at the Doubletree in St Louis, and was awakened around 3 am by the sound of noisy sex from the room next door. I thought it was just some random sex until the next morning when the bellman was taking my luggage downstairs and mentioned that David and Claudia were in the room next to mine. (David had a show the previous evening... guess they got in around 3...)
posted by Gridlock Joe at 7:12 PM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]



A couple with grace and decorum
Were busy creating santorum
It dripped out her back door
and covered the floor
Some cleaning tips, green Internet forum?
posted by toxic at 9:26 PM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]


I haven't been interested in Chat Roulette, but that makes me almost want to use it for scavenger hunts. Almost.
posted by deborah at 10:04 PM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


My roommate and his girlfriend weren't too awful with the moaning... there was a little, but they were hardly loud, despite the thin walls of my apartment. His mattress, however, was a squeaky fucker.
posted by maryr at 3:54 PM on March 10, 2012


pyramid termite: "i once lived next door to an orange
i once lived next door to an orange
UNSUBSCRIBE! UNSUBSCRIBE!
UNSUBSCRIBE! UNSUBSCRIBE!
i once lived next door to an orange
"

Time whip out my own old "orange limerick".

There once was a very green orange,
Nothing rhymes with orange.
So I ended this poem,
and it flew off to Rome,
And when it came back it was orange.
posted by Deathalicious at 4:52 PM on March 11, 2012


So now I'm depressed because I've never seen a neighbour having sex. Can't even remember if I've heard a neighbour having sex either. But on the bright side, I can only surmise that the reason for this is because the sex I do is so comprehensively amazing that they figure it's enough for all of us. Yeah. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it. Plus with my sexin' it can be done in an ad break, then it's back to MasterChef, so it's really the complete package.
posted by tumid dahlia at 10:27 PM on March 11, 2012


Aw, shit, you guys were limericking and no one told me?

One year I lived next to a shouter
Who liked to get down with his router.
But he slipped with the blade
and his "plank "wound up flayed.
(I won't blame you for being a doubter).

My neighbor, an elderly maoner,
had a boyfriend who'd frequently bone her.
Till the beast with two backs
had two heart attacks.
Now I've never felt more aloner.
posted by agentofselection at 7:44 AM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]


« Older Over a year after after decrying mandatory minimum...  |  FP Passport Blog: In an attemp... Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments