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The Conservative Teen
March 26, 2012 6:38 PM   Subscribe

Presenting for your perusal: "The Conservative Teen", a new magazine designed to instill the right values in today's youth.
posted by reenum (164 comments total) 17 users marked this as a favorite

 
Shit, if it ain't got Goofus and Gallant, I'm out.
posted by not_on_display at 6:41 PM on March 26, 2012 [9 favorites]


"The vast majority of people will have sex at sometime in their lives." If that's not Republican I don't know what is.
posted by Xurando at 6:43 PM on March 26, 2012 [33 favorites]


"Ronal Reagan: Our First Black President?"

The word "the" is an article, the word "no" is not.
posted by sendai sleep master at 6:45 PM on March 26, 2012


Laugh Out Loud!
posted by 2N2222 at 6:46 PM on March 26, 2012


They really know their audience: grandparents who buy kids magazine subscriptions on their birthdays.
posted by Nomyte at 6:48 PM on March 26, 2012 [29 favorites]


Laugh out loud indeed...
posted by Jimbob at 6:49 PM on March 26, 2012 [11 favorites]


Shit, if it ain't got Goofus and Gallant, I'm out.

Interestingly enough, Gallant is Mitt Romney's actual first name. No wait, it's Willard. Somehow that's worse.
posted by allen.spaulding at 6:50 PM on March 26, 2012


Blond haired, blue-eyed white people. That'll be on every cover.
posted by cman at 6:50 PM on March 26, 2012 [4 favorites]


A conservative teen would stick to alcohol, nicotine and pot, because those drugs have been around for thousands of years. Right?
posted by b1tr0t at 6:53 PM on March 26, 2012 [13 favorites]


cman: "Blond haired, blue-eyed white people. That'll be on every cover."

Nonsense. I'm sure they'll throw in a token, light-skinned black person every so often.
posted by brundlefly at 6:54 PM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


"The vast majority of people will have sex at sometime in their lives." And if you feel like you want to do it now, you're a filthy pervert and future Democrat.
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:55 PM on March 26, 2012 [3 favorites]


I was just flipping through to see if there were any brown people that weren't Obama in it (poiler: not unless you count a cartoon of MLK Jr. defending Regan), but there's an article blaming Native Americans for being poor.
posted by cmoj at 6:56 PM on March 26, 2012


Ok, I was all ready to criticize this for being LOLRepublicans, but having looked at it, I think its best we celebrate it for being LOLRepublicans instead. The assumption that their teen readers need to have hard words defined for them is so condescending and awful in that its assumption that conservative teenagers are morons that we really can't laugh at this enough.
posted by Joey Michaels at 6:56 PM on March 26, 2012 [33 favorites]


It's written at a lower grade level than Boy's Life. Which I read in my preteens.

Hmm.
posted by mccarty.tim at 6:57 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


Why does the cartoon say "Welcome to Hell, a division of the IRS", as though teenagers really know or care about paying taxes? Way to understand your readership.
posted by Jehan at 6:57 PM on March 26, 2012 [17 favorites]


Goofus and Gingrich?
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:58 PM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


Anyway, it's no Christwire, and Christwire has a better domain name.

Seriously, longboys? This is the Clownpenis.fart of our time.
posted by mccarty.tim at 6:59 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


I was just flipping through to see if there were any brown people that weren't Obama in it (poiler: not unless you count a cartoon of MLK Jr. defending Regan)

Walter Williams, a black libertarian economist, wrote an article.
posted by downing street memo at 7:03 PM on March 26, 2012


Well, if there's one thing that speaks to the teens, it's articles from libertarian economists.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:05 PM on March 26, 2012 [14 favorites]


The back side of the magazine is the best, don't stop short of its glory!
posted by Jehan at 7:05 PM on March 26, 2012


My new album is called, "The Vast Majority of People Will Have Sex at Sometime in Their Lives."
posted by saul wright at 7:06 PM on March 26, 2012 [7 favorites]


Why does the cartoon say "Welcome to Hell, a division of the IRS", as though teenagers really know or care about paying taxes? Way to understand your readership.

I dunno, man, I decided to go as an IRS auditor one Halloween when I was a kid, on the theory that Halloween is all about scary things and who really wants to deal with something as lame and soul-sucking as the tax bureaucracy? I probably would've chuckled at that and my upbringing was pretty much the opposite of right wing.
posted by indubitable at 7:07 PM on March 26, 2012


The article about drawing Obama was written by editorial cartoonist Daryl Cagle. I ran some quick searches to see if he has drawn anything blatantly and obviously offensive, but no such luck.
posted by The Confessor at 7:07 PM on March 26, 2012


"Government Creates Poverty". Ah, I see. This is satire!
posted by the painkiller at 7:11 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Government Creates Poverty". Ah, I see. This is satire!

DID YOU KNOW: Before the Government defined poverty, no one lived in poverty?
posted by kithrater at 7:12 PM on March 26, 2012 [11 favorites]


Am ad from the Heritage Foundation, and it even contains one of those QR code things! They must be "hip" and "with it!" And look at all those political cartoons! It mystifies me how these people seem to control the world.

When I see that back cover, I imagine it saying "Oh, and as always, kill Hitler!"
posted by JHarris at 7:12 PM on March 26, 2012


Why does the cartoon say "Welcome to Hell, a division of the IRS", as though teenagers really know or care about paying taxes?

To get a jump on instilling the common-sense virtue that good citizens shirk contributing to society.
posted by DU at 7:13 PM on March 26, 2012 [41 favorites]


This sounds hilarious - I'm following them on Twitter. When I was a teen myself I used to go up to the UWO library and read this magazine called 'The New American' (published, I think by the John Birch Society) just for the gruesome hilarity of the thing.
posted by Flashman at 7:13 PM on March 26, 2012


Dolan Reagan: Accually Presnidet?
posted by Senor Cardgage at 7:14 PM on March 26, 2012 [3 favorites]


Gross.

Even the "Book Reports" section has highly politicized, hate-speech books. This is for teenagers.....couldn't they just stick to The Diary of Anne Frank or something that normal kids might want to read? No, instead they're highlighting such classics as "The Terrorist Next Door", "Gangster Government" and "Crimes Against Liberty". The Christian Conservatives' single-minded mission to instill their own paranoia, hysteria and fear into kids is a little frightening to me. I mean, fine if you want to live your life like that as an adult, but ffs, leave kids out of it.
posted by triggerfinger at 7:19 PM on March 26, 2012 [4 favorites]


They explain what ROI means but not what sex is?

I'm a bit disappointed.
posted by mccarty.tim at 7:20 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


And it's written at a 3rd grade reading level to make sure the adult Conservatives who buy it for their kids/grandkids can understand it.

And Daryl Cagle? Keeper of the Political Cartoons from All Sides site? Maybe he stepped in to keep Mallard Fillmore from doing the drawing lessons; I hope he isn't that hard-up for cartooning work...
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:24 PM on March 26, 2012


Seriously, the cover looks like there should be an article on 101 Sweater Knits: How to Dress like Rick Santorum! and also maybe Surprisingly Pink Lips...for Staunchly Hetero Dudes!
posted by jetlagaddict at 7:24 PM on March 26, 2012 [8 favorites]


No hysteria or paranoia or fear around here, no sirree.

Everybody wants to get hold of young minds. When you do it, it's shining a gentle light on the path to enlightenment. When the people you disagree with try it, it's the next thing to child abuse.

OK, it's child abuse.
posted by Infinity_8 at 7:26 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


Also, "Why Abstinence Works" sounds like something a fourth-grader would come up with after being confronted with a picture of genitalia for the first time. I have no idea how the bees keep getting wedged in these flowers or why!
posted by jetlagaddict at 7:26 PM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


The official location address they give? Isn't an actual "suite". It's a box at a UPS store. This is a real upscale publication, obviously.
posted by gracedissolved at 7:26 PM on March 26, 2012 [4 favorites]


Oh well, hey, why stop there? If you're really looking for a late-night cardio stress test, consider http://thecollegeconservative.com/
posted by newdaddy at 7:30 PM on March 26, 2012


The article about drawing Obama was written by editorial cartoonist Daryl Cagle. I ran some quick searches to see if he has drawn anything blatantly and obviously offensive, but no such luck.

Cagle is a massively principled cartoonist, even tho it's a little alien to most folks - he's against the party in power. He sees it as his duty to take apart politicians from both ends of the spectrum, but most importantly, the politicians who are actually making decisions. Politically, he seems center-right with some progressive leanings, like the vast majority of Americans, but he is savage to whoever is in charge. His cartoons ruthlessly, brutally skewered Bush and his cronies when he was in office, and now Cagle goes after Obama just as hard. I don't agree with the decision to do this, but I understand and respect it.

He also runs a political cartoon blog on MSNBC's site, which not only features cartoons from other artists left, right and other from the USA, but will sometimes feature amazing political cartoons from overseas, including Iranian and Cuban artists who are not friendly to the US. Check out the "Best cartoons of the week" feature, and be astounded.

I'm pretty sure he was scammed into writing the article under misleading pretenses.
posted by Slap*Happy at 7:30 PM on March 26, 2012 [19 favorites]


Sex is like a river -- when it flows in its proper channel (marriage), it can be beatiful, powerful and productive. But when it overflows, flooding beyond its proper boundaries, it can be destructive and even deadly.
That's right, they said pre-marital sex can kill you.
posted by demiurge at 7:30 PM on March 26, 2012 [7 favorites]


Hey, I didn't know that Ronald Reagan played General Woundwort, though I suppose that he did have that gap between the Governorship and the White House from '75-'81, so he would have had the time.
posted by Len at 7:32 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


Sex is like a river -- when it flows in its proper channel (marriage), it can be beatiful, powerful and productive. But when it overflows, flooding beyond its proper boundaries, it can be destructive and even deadly.

Poor kids. Never should have picked "Ronald Reagan" as their safe word.
posted by jetlagaddict at 7:34 PM on March 26, 2012 [6 favorites]


I am reminded of "Nozin Around" from The Young Ones.
posted by Joey Michaels at 7:37 PM on March 26, 2012 [11 favorites]


For bonus hilarity, throw the word "man" into the end of every single sentence.

Sex is like a river, man.
posted by byanyothername at 7:50 PM on March 26, 2012 [15 favorites]


Walter Williams, a black libertarian economist, wrote an article.

I remember when one of the local free weeklies syndicated Williams. He was sorta like Herman Cain before Herman Cain was cool. Liked the Confederate flag, too, as I recall.

also maybe Surprisingly Pink Lips...for Staunchly Hetero Dudes!

The Gay Agenda is all over that cover.

Sex is like a river ... But when it overflows,

LOL. He said "overflow."
posted by octobersurprise at 7:51 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


Why The Unborn Need Our Protection p.27

Oh! I know this one! It's because of all the unwanted pregnancies caused by abstinence-only education, right?

PLUS: Why Abstinence Works p.24

Oh... but I thought... ?
posted by Sys Rq at 7:53 PM on March 26, 2012 [6 favorites]


Some say love is like a river that drowns the tender reed
Some say love is like a razor that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love is like a hunger, an endless aching need
I say love is like a flower and you it's only seed


No, I'm pretty sure it's an allegory for the importance of comprehensive and integrated irrigation systems in arid climate cash crop production.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:54 PM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


"Ronald Reagan: Our First Black President"

Okay, Poe's law is fucking with me. Surely this was conceived by The Onion. Surely.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 7:54 PM on March 26, 2012 [7 favorites]


My favorite part is where they define the "Judeo" part of "Judeo-Christian" for their readers. :D
posted by zarq at 7:57 PM on March 26, 2012 [4 favorites]


The reading level is super depressing as other commenters have pointed out- if your conservative teen doesn't know what "smutty" means and can't figure it out with context clues, you've got bigger problems than pre-marital sex on Glee.
posted by shes_ajar at 7:59 PM on March 26, 2012


They explain what ROI means but not what sex is?

Same thing. No?
posted by Jehan at 8:02 PM on March 26, 2012 [17 favorites]


"Ronald Reagan: Our First Black President?" by Michael Reagan

States' rights (speech):
Ronald Reagan's "states' rights" speech given on August 3, 1980, was his first public address after the Republican National Convention officially chose him as the Republican nominee for the 1980 United States presidential election. The speech drew attention for his use of the phrase "states' rights" at the Neshoba County Fair, just a few miles from Philadelphia, Mississippi, a town associated with the 1964 murders of civil rights workers.
I try to stay polite on MeFi, but fuck you, Michael Reagan, fuck you so much.
posted by benito.strauss at 8:07 PM on March 26, 2012 [18 favorites]


I am pleased as punch to be reading of a liberal media rather than the "Jew-run media" of yor. We've come a long way, bubala!
posted by munchingzombie at 8:07 PM on March 26, 2012 [7 favorites]


Wowsers. Conservative ideology is irksome as ever but this is too stupid to get mad about.
posted by EatTheWeak at 8:09 PM on March 26, 2012


I probably would have loved this magazine as 12 year old. On the weekends, I went down to the library and read all their copies of Consumer Reports' kids' magazine Zillions and Creation Ex Nihilio.

I was a weird kid.
posted by the jam at 8:10 PM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


munchingzombie: "I am pleased as punch to be reading of a liberal media rather than the "Jew-run media" of yor. We've come a long way, bubala!"

The Protocols of the Elders of Zion is the theme of issue two, no doubt.
posted by zarq at 8:11 PM on March 26, 2012


If stuff like this had been around when Jesus was a teen, he wouldn't have turned out so Socialist.
posted by telstar at 8:18 PM on March 26, 2012 [10 favorites]


I second the "Are you SURE this isn't The Onion?" Because this sure sounds like satire.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:26 PM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


Sex is like a river -- when it flows in its proper channel (marriage), it can be beatiful, powerful and productive. But when it overflows, flooding beyond its proper boundaries, it can be destructive and even deadly.


Huh, this is nearly identical to the reasoning used in those iconic 50s anti sex and anti gay social hygiene films, about sex being a nightly stallion and your moral rectitude being a firm, strong horse rider, or something.
posted by The Whelk at 8:31 PM on March 26, 2012


Geez, has "States' rights" ever not been a cloak for bigotry?
posted by jcreigh at 8:36 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


Somtimes, Colbert must just be *amazed* by the soft balls they keeping serving up to him.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:36 PM on March 26, 2012 [10 favorites]


It stopped being actually funny a few years ago, now it's all herby jerky and werid and sad. The anti commie propaganda in the fallout games has more subtley. They've reached the parody event horizon which makes mockery completely pointless.
posted by The Whelk at 8:38 PM on March 26, 2012 [5 favorites]


Metafilter: It stopped being actually funny a few years ago, now it's all herby jerky and werid and sad.

sorry
posted by lazaruslong at 8:40 PM on March 26, 2012 [5 favorites]


They take a lot of big words and define them. But they don't define prophylactic. That seems like a pretty big word. Why no definition?
They defined 'dogma' and 'evangelize' Hmmm. Very interesting.
posted by hot_monster at 8:43 PM on March 26, 2012 [3 favorites]


"The Conservative Teen"?

C'mon! Y'all can do better than that!

Let's see...

PatrioTeen
Status Quo GO!
Trust Fun
RIGHT!
posted by BitterOldPunk at 8:53 PM on March 26, 2012 [13 favorites]


Why The Unborn Need Our Protection p.27

I momentarily got all excited when I misread this as "Undead"
posted by MoonOrb at 8:53 PM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


This is like a horribly unfunny version of Mr. Show's No Adults Allowed.
posted by Saxon Kane at 9:00 PM on March 26, 2012 [9 favorites]


This magazine upsets the natural order of things. Teenagers are supposed to discover inequality and turn into stupid socialists. Then they are supposed to grow up, discover income tax and turn into stupid conservatives.
posted by Triplanetary at 9:10 PM on March 26, 2012 [7 favorites]


Sex is like a river -- when it flows in its proper channel (marriage), it can be beatiful, powerful and productive. But when it overflows, flooding beyond its proper boundaries, it can be destructive and even deadly.

So, with climate change causing increased flooding and diversion of rivers, does that mean climate change is going to cause a massive overflowing of sexual energy?

Awesome. No wonder those repressed Republicans are so against responsible environmental behavior. Bring on the orgy-porgy monsoon!
posted by formless at 9:18 PM on March 26, 2012


Sex is like a river, largely constructed by the army corps of engineers about forty years ago.
posted by The Whelk at 9:22 PM on March 26, 2012 [31 favorites]


Teenagers are supposed to discover inequality and turn into stupid socialists. Then they are supposed to grow up, discover income tax and turn into stupid conservatives.

The insidious thing about this is they'll turn into stupid movement conservatives, then go to college, get sick of social conservatism, and become stupid libertarians.
posted by Apocryphon at 9:34 PM on March 26, 2012 [4 favorites]


Sex is like a river -- when it flows in its proper channel (marriage), it can be beatiful, powerful and productive. But when it overflows, flooding beyond its proper boundaries, it can be destructive and even deadly.

See Dick run.
posted by louche mustachio at 9:36 PM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


There were always a few really buttoned-down kids in high school, one guy I knew was actually a Bircher, others just various ranks in the militant xtian hierarchy. I wasn't friends enough with any of them to know if they stuck by their guns or became real human beings at some point in the past 25 years.

Anyone here who's, say, 40ish still in touch with someone who would have read this mag earnestly in high school? Has said person changed their point of view at all?
posted by maxwelton at 9:43 PM on March 26, 2012


OMGWTF

"Sometimes it feels like the conservative side is facing the wrath of Sauron and Saruman, the villains of Lord of the Ring, of a giant force bent on destroying the America we love. And all we have is a small army of culture warriors, without the resources of our opponents"

just.... where to begin with this one. Everything about that blockquote generates an internal BSOD. The part of me envisioning a re-imagining of LotR as a conservative tale for the new generation is having some fun, though.
posted by MysticMCJ at 10:02 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


maxwelton, my father--who turns 60 this year--read Bircher magazine(s) in high school. He's grown out of it.
posted by postel's law at 10:07 PM on March 26, 2012


i can't explain this, but the rear cover just sent me in HYSTERICS of laughter. It's hard for me to not see that as the eagle speaking in a sarcastic tone...
posted by MysticMCJ at 10:14 PM on March 26, 2012


Yes, many years ago white people stole the Indians' land and caused great misery. And yes, the government signed treaties with the tribes that make Indians "special". But that "specialness" has brought the Indians socialism. It's what keeps them dependent and poor.

Beautiful! Formidable! Exceptional! /sarcastic eagle
posted by eddydamascene at 10:17 PM on March 26, 2012


From the article on abstinence (p. 25):
The consequences of STDs can range from just annoying (some bacterial infections can be cured with antibiotics) to deadly... the human papillomavirus (HPV), has been identified as the main cause of cervical cancer, which kills thousands of women each year.

I hope someone comes up with a countermeasure to something so awful!
posted by dhens at 10:19 PM on March 26, 2012 [12 favorites]


So... 70+ comments and not a single one suggests a rational alternative? How much snark is enough?
posted by timfinnie at 10:23 PM on March 26, 2012


Countermeasures aren't for conservatives, they're for people who believe in the anti-Christian concept of intervening to protect people from the consequences of their actions.
posted by weston at 10:24 PM on March 26, 2012


So... 70+ comments and not a single one suggests a rational alternative?

What's stopping you from providing a rational alternative, if you feel one is needed?
posted by palomar at 10:28 PM on March 26, 2012 [3 favorites]


There are a few alternatives aimed at girls:

A teen feminist magazine Shameless

I used to read Sassy growing up.

For younger girls, a long standing option is New Moon written "by girls for girls".

I have an 11 yr old son, but have not encountered much in the way of magazines that interest him actually, and non are political. During the Arab srping he become a big fan of al jazeera but maybe our family is just weird.
posted by chapps at 10:31 PM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


I've got a whole shelf of really cool comics that would be a rational alternative to this terrifying gunk.
posted by AzzaMcKazza at 10:32 PM on March 26, 2012 [4 favorites]


I suck at funny, so someone else must come up with something better.
posted by b1tr0t at 10:36 PM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


The alternative is called "Dad's Stack of Playboys."
posted by MrBadExample at 10:38 PM on March 26, 2012 [7 favorites]


> Because I don't take much offense to this and will let it pass without snark? Maybe let silliness be silly and not be an opportunity to vent outrage at the [your preferred group here]? Honestly, who is going to take this seriously enough to deserve 70+ comments on how wrong it is/might turn out to be?
posted by timfinnie at 10:44 PM on March 26, 2012


Patriotic Eagle Found a New Book.
posted by b1tr0t at 10:45 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


So... 70+ comments and not a single one suggests a rational alternative?

How about adult reading material? Spoon-feeding political talking points to an audience not sophisticated enough to follow a newspaper's op-ed page is shady as fuck. This doesn't call for a liberal response, it speaks for itself.
posted by eddydamascene at 10:46 PM on March 26, 2012 [11 favorites]


This doesn't call for a liberal response

It doesn't call for a true conservative response, either. It is silly. Pure, unadulterated, juvenile silliness.

If you want to think this "publication" actually speaks for the mainstream conservatism in the US, go ahead. It won't speak poorly for conservatism if you do.
posted by timfinnie at 10:51 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


Honestly, who is going to take this seriously enough to deserve 70+ comments on how wrong it is/might turn out to be?

Real Clear Politics puts it at about 40% of the voting public.
posted by dirigibleman at 10:58 PM on March 26, 2012


timfinnie, I'm not sure I get what you're trying to say. Are you saying that this publication is satire, "silliness", not meant to be taken seriously? That seems to be at odds with your plea for a "rational alternative". But per your last comment it seems like your request for a "rational alternative" was rhetorical, and really you just want to bitch about how this isn't a genuine "conservative" publication.

If this isn't genuine, please point to some genuine conservative publications that you think would be fit for teenage readers. Thanks!
posted by palomar at 11:13 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


Aryan Teen they mean, right?
posted by latkes at 11:23 PM on March 26, 2012


Real Clear Politics puts it at about 40% of the voting public. Well, I'll be. I didn't know a poll made it out that this supposed "teeny-mag" would influence the vote to that extent.

If this isn't genuine, please point to some genuine conservative publications No such thing. Just as there is no such thing as a true liberal paper -- for teens or otherwise. There is bias and slant everywhere to gain in commerce and/or devotion. If you were to present me with one ("liberal paper"), I'd want to pick it apart for the same reasons you might want to pick apart the given "conservative" magazine. If anything, this is just another opportunity for self-identified liberals to pick at "mainstream conservatives" just on say-so. And where does that get us? Maybe where we are today?

(I'll grant that I haven't seen a provocative 'underground' paper that can satisfy both ideological and mainstream appeal on either side for me, the entire internet as I know it notwithstanding)
posted by timfinnie at 11:28 PM on March 26, 2012


I'm sorry, I'm still not following what you're trying to say. You seem angry about this post because people are "picking" at the content of this magazine. But the content is pretty sad -- that the editors think their readers need to have the words cameo and smutty defined for them speaks to a significant lack of faith in their readership's intelligence. That doesn't bother you in any way? Only "self-identified liberals" "picking" at the content bothers you, and not the spoon-feeding?
posted by palomar at 11:34 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


I wonder if the editors gave more than a moment's thought about hosting a magazine aimed at conservative teens on a website called "longboys.net."
posted by noyb42 at 11:34 PM on March 26, 2012


Isn't stuff written for youth by adults with an agenda pretty much unintenionally hilarious no matter what that agenda is? I live in a social democratic country, and have vague memories of well-meaning but slightly "off" reading material being pushed at us pretty much all the time.
posted by Harald74 at 11:44 PM on March 26, 2012


If you want to think this "publication" actually speaks for the mainstream conservatism in the US, go ahead.

No True Scotsman, eh? Haven't seen that one for a while.
posted by Aquaman at 11:44 PM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


You seem angry about this post because people are "picking" at the content of this magazine.

I might not be expressing myself as best I can.

But the content is pretty sad

I think I said "silly". I don't know why it has to be such a fight between "wrong" and "not right". Morality, or popularism, or just basic pathos -- none of it has to be a part of this. Someone, or some people, made a caricature of what the "right thinks". It would be just as silly if it were a mirrored position on what the "left thinks".

There is a place for indignation, and all else I feel is sound and fury. If that isn't clear enough, I can't help you to understand me.
posted by timfinnie at 11:47 PM on March 26, 2012


Someone, or some people, made a caricature of what the "right thinks".

And many people are going to advocate that the candidate for the Republican nomination should advocate for these ideas.
posted by benito.strauss at 11:52 PM on March 26, 2012


Please oh please let "Sarcastic Eagle" become a new meme...
posted by MattMangels at 12:30 AM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


Herby Jerky.

sorry
posted by Mister Moofoo at 12:37 AM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


So... 70+ comments and not a single one suggests a rational alternative?

When I was 14-ish (and stuck at my grandmother's house with limited options for reading material), I rather enjoyed Reason (to which she was a faithful subscriber). I didn't agree with most of it (although it did have good pieces on the drug war and that sort of thing where it was occasionally in line with my thinking), but it was interesting and occasionally thoughtful, at least. I am much less impressed with it these days, but I can't tell if that's because it's gotten dumber or I've gotten smarter. Either way, it's a thing that's accessible without being as spectacularly dumb as this is. Teenagers are often libertarian-inclined anyway, and most of the time they get over it, so it probably can't hurt them...?

I can't think of any straight-up conservative (economically and culturally) magazines that aren't outright shit, though.
posted by naoko at 12:48 AM on March 27, 2012


Having skimmed a few articles, I have to say that defining common words aside, none of the content seems to be written in a style that could possibly interest teens at all. Youth-oriented writing usually has a certain tone, use of certain diction. The articles don't seem to do that at all, they have all of the partisan sniping of National Review without anything that's kid-friendly at all. For example, the Glee article starts off with a polemic against Katie Couric. Would teens even know, or care, who she is? Way to miss your target audience.
posted by Apocryphon at 12:52 AM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


It's a good thing that they're abstinent, because any teens represented by this magazine are never going to get laid anyway.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 1:11 AM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


Someone, or some people, made a caricature of what the "right thinks".

Ok, now I'm confused, too. Are you suggesting that this is meant as an Onion-like parody?
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:04 AM on March 27, 2012


It's a good thing that they're abstinent, because any teens represented by this magazine are never going to get laid anyway.

I hope this magazine has an article about civility in public discourse that you and your liberal friends could stand to learn from, Mister red thoughts!

/sarastic eagle
posted by MattMangels at 2:40 AM on March 27, 2012


I think that "The vast majority of men will have sex at sometime in who is not their current wife several times during their lives," might be a better formulation, based on some surveys of Republican politicians....
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:53 AM on March 27, 2012


Help me out here. Given the absurd post-modern vitriol being cranked out by the current crop of conservative presidential candidates, explain a motive that someone might have for getting all swoony weepy about how the left is being mean to the conservatives other than "please viciously mock me?" Because, really, the left pretty much tried to stay civil back in the eighties and nineties and that got us to where Ann Coulter was talking about having a conversation with liberals using a baseball bat.

At this point if you're feeling bad for the poor beleaguered conservatives remember that the fact that the lack of thinly veiled death threats from the left is the new civility, quit your damn whining and go watch a gold fish snuff film or something.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 3:01 AM on March 27, 2012 [5 favorites]


If you want to think this "publication" actually speaks for the mainstream conservatism in the US, go ahead. It won't speak poorly for conservatism if you do.

Disagree. This isn't written as parody, it's actually written to alter the views of its readership. The thing that's truly reprehensible about it, and The College Conservative, is that they are so thoroughly shot through with identity politics. Just read it- it's "Liberals this" and "liberals that" on every page. Someone who's read and digested this couldn't possibly have a rational conversation with a self-described liberal and look for any common ground or compromise, because the liberals are so untrustworthy to start with.
posted by newdaddy at 3:42 AM on March 27, 2012 [3 favorites]


It's not just a conservative publication, though: it's specifically designed for homeschooled teens, which explains its reading level and its bigotry pretty well.

The kids who read this are never going to have arguments in high school that will change their minds, because they're never going to high school, and they'll never find different philosophies in college that will allow them to reject or modify their beliefs, because they'll never make it to college.
Its stupidity and bigotry are less troubling than the fact that they are the only options open to its readers: it's the political version of
Above Rubies.
posted by jrochest at 4:11 AM on March 27, 2012 [3 favorites]


In the mid 90s, Spy Magazine did a prank where they interviewed prominent conservatives and had hilarious photo ops to create "the first issue" of a fake magazine called Republican Beat: the GOP Magazine for Teens. And now it's real.

Wow.
posted by Harvey Jerkwater at 4:28 AM on March 27, 2012 [2 favorites]


> If you want to think this "publication" actually speaks for the mainstream conservatism in the US, go ahead. It won't speak poorly for conservatism if you do.

It is so funny how quick conservatives are to throw themselves under a bus. Are you embarrassed by the ideas in this magazine, or just the way it speaks to children?
posted by 0xdeadc0de at 5:16 AM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


.
posted by zombieApoc at 5:20 AM on March 27, 2012


maxwelton: "There were always a few really buttoned-down kids in high school, one guy I knew was actually a Bircher, others just various ranks in the militant xtian hierarchy. I wasn't friends enough with any of them to know if they stuck by their guns or became real human beings at some point in the past 25 years.

Anyone here who's, say, 40ish still in touch with someone who would have read this mag earnestly in high school? Has said person changed their point of view at all
"

Well, I was very conservative in high school, but this stuff would have been way below my reading level. (I had a subscription to the Conservative Chronicle, a weekly compendium of all the hard-right ope-eds.) I remained a dedicated republican through college (and didn't get laid at *all*). Once I got out into the real world and worked in a cube farm for some "job creators" that couldn't tie their own shoes, I started realizing I could no longer defend a single goddamn thing I believed politically.

Oh, and we "elected" Bush Jr.
posted by notsnot at 5:29 AM on March 27, 2012 [4 favorites]


The kids who read this are never going to have arguments in high school that will change their minds, because they're never going to high school, and they'll never find different philosophies in college that will allow them to reject or modify their beliefs, because they'll never make it to college.

1976 called and wants its handwringing back. Seriously, there is a lot to criticise about the conservative homeschooling movement, but this has not been true in a long time. It was a commonplace for homeschoolers to get into college when I (a homeschooler) went to college fifteen years ago. It was not unknown when my family started homeschooling in the early 1980s.

There are a lot of problems around epistemological closure, but they are by no means limited to homeschoolers as a group, and they are not even limited to conservative christian homeschoolers.

If you want to think this "publication" actually speaks for the mainstream conservatism in the US, go ahead. It won't speak poorly for conservatism if you do.

timfinnie, if you're still in this thread, honest question: who or what does speak for mainstream conservatism in the U.S.? Fox News? Cato? Rush Limbauch? Rick Santorum? Andrew Sullivan? If you find that you can't or don't want to answer that, think about why that might be.
posted by gauche at 5:32 AM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


Anyone here who's, say, 40ish still in touch with someone who would have read this mag earnestly in high school? Has said person changed their point of view at all

I would have read this magazine earnestly in high school (homeschooled, deeply christian evangelical). I have little patience for what passes as conservatism today: it is all ressentiment and I think it is self-referentially incoherent as presented. My friends from that period have either held rigidly to what they believed then or swung hard to the left.
posted by gauche at 5:37 AM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


notsnot: Once I got out into the real world and worked in a cube farm for some "job creators" that couldn't tie their own shoes, I started realizing I could no longer defend a single goddamn thing I believed politically.

*applause*
posted by zombieApoc at 5:38 AM on March 27, 2012


Nothing, IMO, is a better predictor of the flat-out stupidity of a person than the use of the term "liberal media".

This magazine's motto should be : "Keeping our kids down on the farm and away from gay-liberal-godless-commie-(insert your particular slur here) Paree."
posted by Benny Andajetz at 5:46 AM on March 27, 2012 [3 favorites]


How much snark is enough?

There's not enough snark in the world to adequately address this magazine. A silly magazine is treated in a silly way. Is that so wrong?

If you want to think this "publication" actually speaks for the mainstream conservatism in the US, go ahead.

Is Rick Santorum, currently a GOP primary candidate, a mainstream conservative? Because there's nothing in The Conservative Teen that's any sillier than any of his remarks or stump speeches. In fact, the whole magazine reads like a Santorum platform reduced to words of three syllables or less.
posted by octobersurprise at 6:17 AM on March 27, 2012 [2 favorites]


A conservative teen would stick to alcohol, nicotine and pot, because those drugs have been around for thousands of years. Right?

Mead and cigars, mostly.
posted by michaelh at 6:38 AM on March 27, 2012


It's written at a lower grade level than Boy's Life. Which I read in my preteens.

What? No Pedro the Mailburro?
posted by chillmost at 6:41 AM on March 27, 2012


The title just makes me think of Arrested Development. Her?
posted by kersplunk at 6:44 AM on March 27, 2012


Those of you saying teens wouldn't read this are right. Here's an example of a conservative-in-the-same-sense publication/conference/movement that teens are actually into for comparison.
posted by michaelh at 6:47 AM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


Honestly, who is going to take this seriously enough to deserve 70+ comments on how wrong it is/might turn out to be?

I remember hearing a lot of this thinking back in 2004...
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 6:54 AM on March 27, 2012


When I was a teenager, the vast majority of my peers could have given less than a shit about anything not connected to getting into college, getting loaded or getting laid, let alone politics. Maybe Apathetic Teen would sell well.
posted by jonmc at 7:13 AM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


I ask this as a Canadian in all honesty, how/why is the American right-wing so dumb/anti-intellectual/stupid/ignorant?
posted by reiichiroh at 7:13 AM on March 27, 2012


sex being a nightly stallion and your moral rectitude being a firm, strong horse rider, or something.

That may be the dirtiest thing I've ever read.
posted by emjaybee at 7:17 AM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


If you want to think this "publication" actually speaks for the mainstream conservatism in the US, go ahead. It won't speak poorly for conservatism if you do.

If self-identified conservatives themselves can't tell the difference between mainstream conservative thought and parody, the problem might be bigger than liberals mocking the goofy magazine.
posted by Mayor West at 7:36 AM on March 27, 2012 [4 favorites]


Is this available for purchase anywhere? Or is this the kind of thing a VERY CONCERNED father orders in bulk and gives out at Halloween instead of candy or Jack Chick tracts?
posted by Theta States at 7:40 AM on March 27, 2012 [3 favorites]



Nothing, IMO, is a better predictor of the flat-out stupidity of a person than the use of the term "liberal media".


It used to be the same criticisms except the media was "jew owned".

Progress, I guess.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 7:58 AM on March 27, 2012


I ask this as a Canadian in all honesty, how/why is the American right-wing so dumb/anti-intellectual/stupid/ignorant?

fear, intensively cultivated over generations due to its profitability.
posted by fetamelter at 8:16 AM on March 27, 2012 [2 favorites]


Brian Williams is secretly black and the president. Moving on.

Well, duh!
posted by evidenceofabsence at 8:19 AM on March 27, 2012


I love the assumption that anyone who wasn't a dyed in the wool liberal at age 15 is likely a mouth-breathing dimwit (likely racist too). How very "open-minded." Jesus, not everyone was a precocious class president who's parents read them Marx or an iconoclast who flipped the tables on their conservative parent's lunacy in 9th grade.
posted by gagglezoomer at 8:24 AM on March 27, 2012


They've already released the cover for the Spring 2012 issue.
posted by a_girl_irl at 8:27 AM on March 27, 2012 [6 favorites]


Anyone here who's, say, 40ish still in touch with someone who would have read this mag earnestly in high school? Has said person changed their point of view at all"

Yes, I know of such a person. Let's call him Thomas, it's not his real name but there's a non-zero chance here that anything I say about him will eventually be traced back to me, and anyway I don't really feel like tying anything particularly to him as a real person. I happen to know he'd read this magazine because this isn't the first magazine of this type.

Thomas and I went to a Christian school in Brunswick, GA that I have written about here before. Many of the people who went there I have lost touch with, and I don't know if I'd attend a reunion. I did, miraculously, go to college. Passed around in a particular class at that school was a magazine whose name I don't remember, but I think it was called World. It was just like this Conservative Teen magazine, except focused more on world events and not on teen pandering. Still though, very much propaganda.

Thomas has not changed his point of view at all, but he might be a special case, as his father was way into this kind of worldview, and even taught a class at the school that can be best described these days as Conspiracy Theories 101. Personally the guy was okay, but politically he was off the charts nutso, and while his son wasn't quite that strident about it he still never really had a chance to overcome those views.

It's not like I've interviewed him and set down what his opinions are, because many of these people are not worth it for me to argue with, because they aren't going to be convinced and I've heard all their arguments before and found them wanting, so arguing is just introducing needless strife. And he, himself, was reluctant to push his views on others, at least in a direct argument. But it didn't stop him from casually espousing them in conversation with people he knew agreed with him.

Did I challenge him on these views? Not often, although he was careful not to espouse them around me maybe. But being able to make an effective verbal argument about something is far from there being no argument to be made, and oftentimes ends up just being an expression of personal annoyance, public performance, and/or testosterone than a real step towards solving something.

gauche:
1976 called and wants its handwringing back. Seriously, there is a lot to criticise about the conservative homeschooling movement, but this has not been true in a long time. It was a commonplace for homeschoolers to get into college when I (a homeschooler) went to college fifteen years ago. It was not unknown when my family started homeschooling in the early 1980s.

I know that the depressing private school I attended didn't do me any favors when it came to getting into college.
posted by JHarris at 8:30 AM on March 27, 2012


a_girl_irl: They've already released the cover for the Spring 2012 issue.

Heh heh heh!
posted by JHarris at 8:31 AM on March 27, 2012


I often joke that my private hell is the fact while my politics are more or less liberal, I truly can't stand most liberals. This mag reminds me that generally speaking, right-wingers are even less appealing.
posted by jonmc at 8:44 AM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


I often joke that my private hell is the fact while my politics are more or less liberal, I truly can't stand most liberals. This mag reminds me that generally speaking, right-wingers are even less appealing.
People who cling unwavering to their political beliefs, whether "conservative" or "liberal" (though rarely, in reality, either) are equally unpleasant.
posted by b1tr0t at 8:49 AM on March 27, 2012


I love the assumption that anyone who wasn't a dyed in the wool liberal at age 15 is likely a mouth-breathing dimwit

So you must love this magazine, since that seems to be all it does.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:56 AM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


I know that the depressing private school I attended didn't do me any favors when it came to getting into college.

Fair enough. The number of people who will have trouble getting into college due to being homeschooled or going to sketchy private schools is certainly greater than zero. There are more trenchant critiques of homeschooling, though, than that they won't get into college, and the epistemological closure has a lot more to do with the parents (and the children) than it does with homeschooling as such.
posted by gauche at 8:59 AM on March 27, 2012


couldn't they just stick to The Diary of Anne Frank or something that normal kids might want to read?*

*for some values of normal
posted by Dr. Twist at 9:12 AM on March 27, 2012


Sex is like a natural watercourse, usually freshwater, flowing towards an ocean, a lake, a sea, or towards more sex. Sex is usually confined to a channel, made up of a sex bed between banks. But in larger orgies, there is also a wider floodplain shaped by orgy-waters over-topping the sex channel. Orgy floodplains may be very wide in relation to the size of the sex channel. This distinction between sex channel and orgy floodplain can be blurred especially in urban areas where the orgy floodplain of a sex channel can become greatly developed by housing and industry.

The term upsex refers to the direction leading to the source of the sex, which is against the direction of flow. Likewise, the term downsex describes the direction towards the mouth of the sex, in which the current flows.

The sex channel typically contains a single stream of sex, but some intercourse occurs as several interconnecting streams of sex, producing "braided"sex. Anastamosing sex is similar to braided sex and are also quite rare. This kind of sex has multiple sinuous channels carrying large volumes of sediment.

Sex flowing in its channel is a source of energy which acts on the sex channel to change its shape and form. In 1757, the German hydrologist Albert Brahms empirically observed that the submerged weight of objects that may be carried away by sex is proportional to the sixth power of the sexual speed. Thus, if the speed of sex were doubled, it would dislodge objects with 64 times as much weight.

Throughout the course of an orgy, the total volume of sex transported downstream will often be a combination of the free sex flow together with a substantial contribution flowing through sub-surface rocks and gravels that underlie the sex and its orgy floodplain. For intercourse in large valleys, this unseen component of sex may greatly exceed the visible sex.

Sex has been classified by many criteria including topography, biotic status, and relevance to white water rafting or canoeing activities. One common classification is by age --

Youthful sex: Sex with a steep gradient that has very few tributaries and flows quickly.

Mature Sex: Sex with a gradient that is less steep than those of youthful rivers and flows more slowly. Mature sex is fed by many tributaries and has more discharge than youthful sex.

Old sex: Sex with a low gradient and low erosive energy.

Rejuvenated river: Sex with a gradient that is raised by pharmacological uplift.

Sex has been used as a source of water, for obtaining food, for transport, as a defensive measure, as a source of power to drive machinery, for bathing, and as a means of disposing of waste. Sex has been used for navigation for thousands of years.

The chemistry of sex is complex and depends on inputs from the atmosphere, the geology through which it travels, and the inputs from man's activities.

Sexual management is a continuous activity as intercourse tends to 'undo' the modifications made by people. Dredged channels silt up, sluice mechanisms deteriorate with age, levees and dams may suffer seepage or catastrophic failure. The benefits sought through managing sex may often be offset by the social and economic costs of mitigating the bad effects of such management.
posted by kyrademon at 9:27 AM on March 27, 2012 [13 favorites]


Sex is like a natural watercourse... wait, what?
posted by Dr. Twist at 9:35 AM on March 27, 2012


I ask because in doing the medieval recreation thing I do, I've encountered several home schooling groups who want me to talk to kids about the middle ages. (The issue with this is that I'm a materials culture kind of guy, so if you want to know about the social structure of the middle ages, I can kind of give out the same overgeneralized version they'd get in a public school, but if you want to talk about where steel comes from, the complete evolution of the hand saw, or to know that the very first bit of The Fellowship of the Ring is a really accurate portrayal of something humanity has been doing for quite a while, step into my office.)

Some of these kids have been razor sharp and, to the best of my knowledge, I've encountered no one who was trying to shield their kids from (your politically non-Euclidean notion goes here) in doing this. But I have encountered those people in other walking-to-and-fro-upon-the-Earth activities, so they're definitely out there (in more ways than one), just not looking to expose their kids to what I do on weekends for fun. Doing some informal statistics on the two populations suggests that a vocal (and insane) minority is at work here.

So my almost entirely off topic question is what, if anything, discourages people who want their kids to grow up fully certain that the Earth is flat (or whatever) and largely innocent of math, literature, history and/or science from declaring that they are homeschooling their kids, buying them a subscription to "The Conservative Teen" (or God knows what else) and not much more?
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 10:08 AM on March 27, 2012


So... 70+ comments and not a single one suggests a rational alternative? How much snark is enough?

A rational alternative would be just about any other teen oriented mag on the market.

If you want to think this "publication" actually speaks for the mainstream conservatism in the US, go ahead. It won't speak poorly for conservatism if you do.

Unless this publication is a complete hoax, it looks to have content created by known American conservatives. While it certainly is mind bendingly silly, the tragic thing here is that it is completely in line with the current GOP hopefuls and the conservative press. The tragedy here is that conservatism has worked itself into a kind of Tourette's spasm where it cannot refrain from loudly espousing a variety of silly, unhinged, and/or repugnant stances.

"Mainstream" conservatism is aghast, neutered, marginalized, looking back at the last four decades and wondering how it ever allowed the inmates to take over the asylum.
posted by 2N2222 at 10:08 AM on March 27, 2012 [4 favorites]


Anyone here who's, say, 40ish still in touch with someone who would have read this mag earnestly in high school? Has said person changed their point of view at all?

*raises a hand* Hell, I wrote a magazine like this in high school.
posted by verb at 10:14 AM on March 27, 2012


I went down to the library and read all their copies of Consumer Reports' kids' magazine Zillions -- I had a subscription to Zillions. (Actually, it was probably an add-on to mom's Consumer Reports subscription.)
posted by epersonae at 10:14 AM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


Wonkette claims that the magazine has an article about the Oscars, which purports to say that James Cameron's Titanic should be held as an example of what America once was.

Which sort of ignores the fact that the RMS (Royal Mail Ship) Titanic a) was owned, operated, and built by a British concern, b) sank in part due to of overweening hubris, and c) may have sunk in part due to a stunningly warm Arctic.
posted by qcubed at 10:26 AM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


If you want to think this "publication" actually speaks for the mainstream conservatism in the US, go ahead. It won't speak poorly for conservatism if you do.

Of course not, timfinnie. That's Santorum's job.

And Palin's. And O'Reilly's. And Bachmann's. And Beck's...
posted by IAmBroom at 10:55 AM on March 27, 2012


Wow, the whole thing is just gone! Maybe it was just a hoax, after all.

"... as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced."
posted by newdaddy at 10:55 AM on March 27, 2012


and they'll never find different philosophies in college that will allow them to reject or modify their beliefs, because they'll never make it to college.

I wish...

These are the kids who waste half of your Epistemology or Philosophy of Science class "debating" with the Professor over something completely unrelated.
posted by formless at 10:59 AM on March 27, 2012


So my almost entirely off topic question is what, if anything, discourages people who want their kids to grow up fully certain that the Earth is flat (or whatever) and largely innocent of math, literature, history and/or science from declaring that they are homeschooling their kids, buying them a subscription to "The Conservative Teen" (or God knows what else) and not much more?

Nothing. People do parenting poorly all the time, in lots of different ways. The personal testimonies about ultra-sectarian religious homeschooling on sites like NoLongerQuivering.com testify that this is one way some people do parenting poorly.

But people homeschool for lots of reasons, not just being part of ultra-sectarian Dominionist movements. So, yeah, the kids who are getting this magazine are also probably getting equally off-base things like "science" curricula from The Discovery Institute, and stuff like this and this. But they're only one of the many streams of kids and parents who choose homeschooling.

People with strong beliefs who are part of self-reinforcing communities are going to parent in ways that fit in with the mores of those communities, and if they worry that "outside" influences like school are going to interfere with their signal, homeschooling feels like the right answer. That isn't going to change, in the US at least.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:32 AM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


Rational alternative magazines for kids, that talk about current events and nature and science and policy and history and popular culture in well-informed ways? Scholastic publishes a bunch of them. Time for Kids. The Weekly Reader group of magazines.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:37 AM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


Wow, the whole thing is just gone!

It's The Rapture!
posted by gompa at 12:27 PM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


Michael Reagan is proving his idiocy here. Toni Morrison did not mean that Bill Clinton was the “first black president” in a flattering way. Toni Morrison was not saying that Clinton was a particular “friend to African Americans.” She was saying that he displayed the tropes of a particular kind of poor and Southern identity that white Americans read as “black” and that it was on that basis that his affair with Monica Lewinsky became grounds for cultural, if not political, impeachment. That his public impugning was and is exactly what happens to successful black men who overstep the bounds white folks and institutions set for them. A very different insight altogether.

Read the original essay here.
posted by liketitanic at 2:35 PM on March 27, 2012 [5 favorites]


Michael Reagan is proving his idiocy here

Well, you know what they say: "Sit at the computer and be thought a fool; touch the keyboard and remove all doubt."
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:38 PM on March 27, 2012 [2 favorites]


byanyothername: "For bonus hilarity, throw the word "man" into the end of every single sentence.
"

Nice try, mister. Please preserve the sanctity of our hilarity by throwing only a "man and a woman" onto the end of any sentence.
posted by Bokononist at 2:38 PM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


Wow, the whole thing is just gone! Maybe it was just a hoax, after all.

Yeah I came late to the party and didn't get a chance to see the original material-- I'm sorry I missed the back page which amused you all so much! Also www.theconservativeteen.com (which is listed as the place to purchase subscriptions) is an Apache server test. But if it was just a hoax, a awful lot of work went into the preparation for it just to disappear after a couple of hours. Plus, real people's names were attributed to the articles.

Something happened, but I don't think the magazine itself is a hoax.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:15 PM on March 27, 2012


Weirdly enough if you go to the google cache it does show the subscription page ($19.99 for 4 issues) and at the bottom it has this:

TheConservativeTeen.com © 2011 rush limbaugh, fox news, sean hannity,

yes, there is nothing after that final comma. And what does Rush Limbaugh have to do with this?
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:21 PM on March 27, 2012


Going deeper into google (past all the websites like Wonkette, Metafilter, and Boing Boing going HAHAHAHAHA) I find a cache to a subscription page on the same www.theconservativeteen.com site.
Regrettably, we were unable to reach the minimum number of subscribers required to mass print the first issue of The Conservative Teen magazine. The completed first issue in digital form is now available for free viewing on this website.

Your can also buy a full-length hard copy of this issue at MagCloud:
and it gives the direct link. But when you go to MagCloud it says, "Could not access this publication." (Pub #227441) When I look up a recent magazine on offer the publication number given is 360495. In fact all of the 2012 magazines on offer seem to start with 36. That leads me to believe that this was an old magazine-- obviously not too old because of the article on drawing Obama, but perhaps from a few years ago?

So I went back to the cover that was featured on Wonkette and I blew up the image so I could read the date: Winter 2001 This makes even less sense because in 2001 Obama had lost his race for US Congress and was not elected to the Senate until 2004.

Questions, I have questions. I think this was a real publication but perhaps not the article on drawing Obama or the picture of Brian/Williams as Obama. Perhaps none of the articles inside are real, only the cover. But again, why such an elaborate hoax or satire if you are only going to be on-line for a few hours? And how did the Apache test site come up so quickly?
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:59 PM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]


But when you go to MagCloud it says, "Could not access this publication." (Pub #227441)

You can find in via MagCloud search.

Web-sluethery ahoy!
posted by kithrater at 7:42 PM on March 27, 2012


> TheConservativeTeen.com © 2011 rush limbaugh, fox news, sean hannity,
yes, there is nothing after that final comma. And what does Rush Limbaugh have to do with this?


Probably dumping their (few, meager) search keywords into the footer of the page, in a kinda clunky attempt at SEO. I don't think it's really meant as an attribution despite how it reads.
posted by churl at 7:42 PM on March 27, 2012


Secret Life of Gravy, given what a hack-job the rest of it is, lack of real office and all, is it *really* that hard to believe that someone was supposed to put '2011' and instead typed '2001'?
posted by gracedissolved at 8:05 PM on March 27, 2012


OK so it is Winter 2011 (It looked exactly like 2001 in the blow-up) but it is already sold out or unavailable. A Winter 2011 issue was probably available around Sept or Oct. Why is it suddenly all over the internets now? And why was the coservative teen.com address replaced so quickly?

Probably dumping their (few, meager) search keywords into the footer of the page, in a kinda clunky attempt at SEO. I don't think it's really meant as an attribution despite how it reads.

"Sean Hannity" but not "abortion" or "abstinence" or even "Republican"?
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 8:08 PM on March 27, 2012


70+ comments and not a single one suggests a rational alternative? How much snark is enough?

There's actually something worth getting at here, though it's probably not what you intended.

The college I went to was a liberal arts school, but had a strangely right-leaning student body. (Probably aligned with 'centrist' in US politics, but for a liberal arts school, that is shockingly conservative) Most undergrads had parents with money, and the economics and public policy guys kind of set the pace for a lot of group-consensus on campus, and visitors were always weirded out that the College Republicans and the men's rights assholeswhite guys were so numerous and well-represented.

That said, the media outlets on campus were all left-of-center. Unlike the econ department, all the journalism undergrads were scholarship kids with hippy parents, so the daily paper, the student-run weekly, and most of the alt-news rags were all gloriously leftist. This, obviously, chafed on a lot of people. Every so often, we'd see an upstart "alternative publication" show up on the dining hall tables, whose stated purpose was to balance the insidious creeping liberalism in campus journalism with their own refreshing course of right-leaning thought. And, to a one, they were unreadable dreck. Drivel that you wouldn't expect to see from a high school newspaper. The one that's still burned into my mind cleverly called itself "The Right," came out just before the '04 election, and was a 6-page home-printed job that was full of crazy accusations that Clinton let 9/11 happen by playing too much golf, and that John Kerry was involved in some kind of Zionist alliance to hand America over to its Jewish masters. Timecube stuff. (A couple friends and I promptly published a counterpublication, "The Wrong," accusing the Democrats of stealing our precious bodily fluids, but that's another story)

Point is, these weren't stupid people writing the articles, but you would never know it from the output. Nor is this an isolated incident. Conservative publications like this tend to set out with mission statements that read like the mutterings of a paranoid schizophrenic ("we'll present you with a news source that WON'T brainwash you and make you hate America"), and it has a way of filtering down all the way into the content. There's no "rational alternative" to it--it's contrarianism aimed against a totalitarian media sphere that only exists in the minds of people who have spent the last decade hearing Fox News tell them the the rest of the media is a liberal wasteland.
posted by Mayor West at 6:12 AM on March 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


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