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Of course, really, EVERYONE loves Alec Guinness
April 22, 2012 9:37 AM   Subscribe


 
Apart from briefly kissing his own sister, he shows no interest in women whatsoever. The first film is a tender gay parable in which Luke falls in love with Alec Guinness and gradually "comes out" as a Jedi. The final scene oozes symbolism: having penetrated the Death Star's trench in his phallic spacecraft, he closes his eyes, submits to his true inner instinct and triumphantly blasts his X-Wing's seed into an anus-like aperture, causing an orgasmic eruption that changes his universe for ever.
Never thought about it that way.
posted by delmoi at 9:46 AM on April 22, 2012 [16 favorites]


Oh man, that article was like, the best thing.

I'm fashioning a handlebar mustache for my Millennium Falcon right now.
posted by Blasdelb at 9:49 AM on April 22, 2012 [6 favorites]


delmoi, if that blew your mind, think on this. The trash-compactor scene is one giant vagina that's slowly crushing all those inside. They even try to prop it up with a phallic object, and this ultimately fails. The entire franchise is filled with father/son issues but as Freud says, it always comes back to the mother.
posted by Fizz at 9:50 AM on April 22, 2012


And the chick you think is the love interest sends a message to the hero, via a weird little phallic robot, asking him to come to her... but then she turns out to be his sister.

That movie has issues.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 9:53 AM on April 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


I thought this was going to be about astronauts making out (or maybe an astronaut and a cosmonaut). I'm disappointed it's not, but also that essay was really great and made me laugh out loud.
posted by overglow at 9:55 AM on April 22, 2012 [6 favorites]


and while we are it, delmoi, look at the Sarlacc for an even greater symbolism of a vagina.

Amusing article. Full of amusing over-the-top language.

I also like this comment:
What I find really odd about these types is that they seem to have no problem with people having sex with aliens as long as they are of the opposite gender.
posted by 2manyusernames at 9:55 AM on April 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


What I find really odd about these types is that they seem to have no problem with people having sex with aliens as long as they are of the opposite gender.

Transhumanism cannot get here fast enough!
posted by Fizz at 9:58 AM on April 22, 2012


What I find really odd about these types is that they seem to have no problem with people having sex with aliens as long as they are of the opposite gender.

Which brings to mind, for me anyway, the way gender and sex is handled in Delaney's brilliant Stars In My Pockets Like Grains Of Sand.

Seriously, if you haven't read that yet, why the hell not? Go get a copy, log out of the internet, and get a-readin'.
posted by hippybear at 10:06 AM on April 22, 2012 [5 favorites]


You know, I've also had this nagging suspicion that the Mario Brothers arn't actually brothers, or even just really good friends....
posted by Blasdelb at 10:08 AM on April 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


The final scene oozes symbolism: having penetrated the Death Star's trench in his phallic spacecraft, he closes his eyes, submits to his true inner instinct and triumphantly blasts his X-Wing's seed into an anus-like aperture, causing an orgasmic eruption that changes his universe for ever.

Dude, George Lucas already nearly destroyed my childhood with Jar-Jar Binks. Don't help him.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:18 AM on April 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


They should do an episode with Leonard Nimoy appearing in the manner of the dad from Strangers with Candy.
posted by Artw at 10:22 AM on April 22, 2012 [5 favorites]


Gah. Wrong thread.
posted by Artw at 10:22 AM on April 22, 2012


*heh* I knew that the moment I read it.
posted by hippybear at 10:23 AM on April 22, 2012


I like to think your comment is still appropriate Artw.
posted by Fizz at 10:32 AM on April 22, 2012 [9 favorites]


This is going to end in a nice clean Star Wars thread being sullied by filthy Trek slash, isn't it?
posted by Artw at 10:33 AM on April 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


That raises a question: who has the better slash fiction? ST or SW?

With Trek you have all the fun of Shatner/Spock and Picard/Riker. With SW, you have incest galore as well as Han/Chewie/Luke three-way possibilities.

I've just ruined the thread haven't I? I'll let myself out.
posted by Fizz at 10:40 AM on April 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


There must be some furry Chewie fetishists out there...
posted by Chekhovian at 10:41 AM on April 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


I enjoy Brooker's twitter feed. Lately he's been claiming to be the sole official UK tweeter for the 2012 Olympics, which has been amusing.
posted by A dead Quaker at 10:43 AM on April 22, 2012


Kind of suprised nobody has put together a Horrors of the London Olympics thread TBH.
posted by Artw at 10:46 AM on April 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


Metafilter: the thunderous roar of dicks screaming for ever in your frightened mind's ear.
posted by Naberius at 10:48 AM on April 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


I think that ST has sexuality implied from the get-go, while SW is a pretty neutered universe in general. Aside from Jabba The Hutt and his dancing women, there isn't much hint of lust at all in SW. Sure, there's Leia/Han, but that's pretty non-involved as far as relationships go. Even the supposed romance between Padme and Anakin is depicted more as a theory of lust than having any actual passion at all.

ST, on the other hand, has Chapel lusting after Spock, Riker and Troi going at it, Data and Yar, Troi's mother wanting Picard....

There's much more implied sexuality in ST. SW is mostly a boy's club with token women, and doesn't have sexuality as part of the characters much.
posted by hippybear at 10:50 AM on April 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


What I find really odd about these types is that they seem to have no problem with people having sex with aliens as long as they are of the opposite gender.

It doesn't matter when it's Arcturian!
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:57 AM on April 22, 2012 [8 favorites]


The sentiment was right on, but the over-the-top claims and just plain wrongness of it made me think it was just some random ranting blogger. When I saw it was a an actual newspaper piece I was kind of shocked. Then I saw it was the guardian and was a little less shocked.
posted by rocket88 at 11:00 AM on April 22, 2012


hippybear: "SW is mostly a boy's club with token women..."

Exactly, and thus they must be all fantastically gay.
posted by Blasdelb at 11:06 AM on April 22, 2012


It's not really clear exactly what Jabba does with his women, really, except the dancing thing. If you think about it at all it becomes fantastically gross, and Carrie Fisher was perobably right to choke him to death with a chain.
posted by Artw at 11:08 AM on April 22, 2012


Women in Star Wars IV, V, VI

1. Princess Leia
2. Beru Whitesun Lars, the wife of Owen Lars.
3. Oola, Twi'lek dancer in Jabba the Hutt's court.
4. Back up dancers for Max Rebo Band: Rystáll Sant, Greeata Jendowanian and Lyn Me
5. Sy Snootles, a Pa'lowick singer, and was also the lead vocalist for the Max Rebo Band.
6. Mon Mothma, a native of Chandrila, one of the founders of the Alliance to Restore the Republic, and the first Chief of State of the New Republic.

The good lunch-table of Cracked says it best.
posted by Fizz at 11:18 AM on April 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


Well, #1 *is* Princess Leia, which counts for a hell of a lot in a 1977 boys adventure movie.

The prequels do considerably worse, though The Clone Wars does alright.
posted by Artw at 11:28 AM on April 22, 2012


Well it looks like LOGO or Here! Will greenlight anything with a pulse, can I get some backing for SPACE GAYS?
posted by The Whelk at 11:42 AM on April 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


What I find really odd about these types is that they seem to have no problem with people having sex with aliens as long as they are of the opposite gender.

"We have failed to uphold Brannigans law, however I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end....is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars?........ Kiff, I'm asking you a question!"
-Zapp Brannigan
posted by 445supermag at 11:43 AM on April 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


This is the best.
posted by odinsdream at 11:45 AM on April 22, 2012


While Star Trek Orginal Recipie has some steaminess from the get go, I can't imagine anyone in the TNG universe doing it without reciting a list of regulations seductively from atop thier silk beige sheets with rare beige chocolates surrounded by brown and tan rose petals set off from the pastel abstract print on the wall that escaped from a dentist's waiting room in Sheboygan.
posted by The Whelk at 11:46 AM on April 22, 2012 [22 favorites]


" let us nobility and proudly engage the mating ritual of our peole" they whisper " I will treat all your culture's traditions with respect" he purrs.
posted by The Whelk at 11:50 AM on April 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


I thought this was gonna be a satire of that old Muppet Show sketch with the pigs.
posted by jonmc at 11:53 AM on April 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


I still remember that one TNG episode where Picard and that stellar cartographer make beautiful music in a Jefferies tube. He brings his flute and she unrolls her ivories, all ready for a good tickling... if you know what I mean.
posted by mikurski at 11:56 AM on April 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


I still remember that one TNG episode where Picard and that stellar cartographer make beautiful music in a Jefferies tube.

I'm fairly certain there was a brief (pre-Wikipedia) period where 10-year-old me had some degree of confusion between Jefferies tubes and Fallopian tubes.

Another point in favor of ST having loads of implied sexuality, I guess.
posted by spitefulcrow at 12:01 PM on April 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


Sonic spends the whole time collecting rings, for God's sake. If that's not a metaphor for promiscuous anal sex, I don't know what is.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:02 PM on April 22, 2012


Collecting rings along with his sidekick Tails. This is clearly an inversion, as standard heterosexual males chase tail; instead, he goes for the rings while tails chase him.

If that's not an allegory for pop-culture homosexual lifestyles, I don't know what is.
posted by mikurski at 12:07 PM on April 22, 2012


If you finish a stage with over 50 rings in Sonic 1 (the original game), a giant golden ring appears at the finish flag. Diving into it leads the player to a topsy-turvy world of diaphanous rainbows where nothing is what it seems.
posted by Nomyte at 12:09 PM on April 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


IT'S CALLED A RAINBOW ROAD
posted by The Whelk at 12:10 PM on April 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


delmoi, if that blew your mind, think on this. The trash-compactor scene is one giant vagina that's slowly crushing all those inside.



and while we are it, delmoi, look at the Sarlacc for an even greater symbolism of a vagina.
You guys may be doing sex wrong.
posted by delmoi at 12:14 PM on April 22, 2012 [13 favorites]


Sex doesn't involve trash compactors in your galaxy?
posted by The Whelk at 12:16 PM on April 22, 2012


Boba Fett is a sperm with a jetpack.
posted by mikurski at 12:21 PM on April 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


No, but it involves bat-infested insides of giant penises themselves inside giant caves.
posted by fleacircus at 12:21 PM on April 22, 2012


What I find really odd about these types is that they seem to have no problem with people having sex with aliens as long as they are of the opposite gender.

This rule even applies on South Park, or at least it does for aliens having sex with each other. “Oh, yeah! Suck my jaggon!”
posted by spitefulcrow at 12:28 PM on April 22, 2012 [1 favorite]



No, but it involves bat-infested insides of giant penises themselves inside giant caves.

GIANT COCKBATS (nsfw)
posted by The Whelk at 12:39 PM on April 22, 2012


Sonic spends the whole time collecting rings, for God's sake. If that's not a metaphor for promiscuous anal sex, I don't know what is.

Except while there's admittedly lots of gay things about Sonic, but being a top doesn't seem like one of them.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:43 PM on April 22, 2012


Let's blow this thing and go home!
posted by Brocktoon at 12:44 PM on April 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


Wait, rings, gay, running, lord of the ...


OMG YOU GUYS
posted by The Whelk at 12:47 PM on April 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


C3PO is...a gilded John Inman in space

Yes, there is that.
posted by Jehan at 12:50 PM on April 22, 2012


It's not in space, but it is a Sci-Fi video game, Fallout New Vegas' Arcade Gannon* is one of the best written queer characters in a video game ever.

Actually the whole game is pretty good with sexuality. It doesn't really come up but it's (overall, not always) handled well. Rob Corddry is a closeted ranger and everything.


*Also, wears dreamy glasses.
posted by The Whelk at 1:11 PM on April 22, 2012


DS9 slash fic is at least the kinkiest. There are some serious dark bondage scenes going on among all those industrial grey bulkheads. And Garak is usually involved.

I like me some mirror-universe Intendant Kira, yes I do...
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:25 PM on April 22, 2012


Tinker Tailor Solider Garak.
posted by The Whelk at 1:26 PM on April 22, 2012 [6 favorites]


I like Charlie Brooker. He's like....if you took David Mitchell, made him a generation younger and more comfortable with post-punk irony, and also booze.
posted by lazaruslong at 1:26 PM on April 22, 2012


I like Charlie Brooker. He's like....if you took David Mitchell, made him a generation younger

That's hilarious, as Mitchell is 3 years younger than Brooker, so they're basically the same cohort group within their country.
posted by hippybear at 1:28 PM on April 22, 2012


Well, yeah, I know. But David also struck me as someone born too late, who would have been more comfortable in the tweed and pipe golden days of Cambridge and whatnot.
posted by lazaruslong at 1:30 PM on April 22, 2012


also = always
posted by lazaruslong at 1:30 PM on April 22, 2012


Tinker Tailor Solider Garak.

Except, of course, Garak is a tailor.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:32 PM on April 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: You guys may be doing sex wrong.
posted by d1rge at 2:05 PM on April 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


Some people are Bowie in Space. Get over it.
posted by Kevtaro at 3:23 PM on April 22, 2012


I thought this was gonna be a satire of that old Muppet Show sketch with the pigs.

I don't think I need any more satire from Charlie Brooker about pigs.
posted by painquale at 3:45 PM on April 22, 2012 [5 favorites]


Tinker Garak Garak Garak

Has he ever been a Tinker? TBH I'm hazy on what that entails.
posted by Artw at 4:03 PM on April 22, 2012


Tinkers are traveling tinsmiths who repair metal household items.
posted by hippybear at 4:11 PM on April 22, 2012


Garak may have been a tinker, or he may have genocided a race of itinerant space-faring tinker-aliens. The details seems to change depending on who you ask.
posted by Sparx at 4:15 PM on April 22, 2012 [5 favorites]


I'm just glad this wasn't someone getting upset about people getting upset about Mass Effect 3.
posted by straight at 4:21 PM on April 22, 2012


Boba Fett is a sperm with a jetpack.

And his ship is kind of shaped like the convex hull of a cock-n-balls.
posted by mubba at 4:22 PM on April 22, 2012


Artw : There was an episode where he repaired a computer at a Bajoran orphanage for Cardassian/Bajoran hybrid children. I think you can stretch the point to call him a tinker. So yeah, I spent too much of my adolescence watching Deep Space 9.
posted by Grimgrin at 4:43 PM on April 22, 2012


SO. Funny. Can't. Catch. Breath.
posted by clvrmnky at 4:58 PM on April 22, 2012


Garak Garak Garak Garak then.
posted by Artw at 5:09 PM on April 22, 2012


Sonic the Hedgehog never agonised over his sexual identity …

If only the rest of us had never had to agonise over it as well.
posted by Durhey at 5:24 PM on April 22, 2012


Garak could totally tinker like a motherfucker. He was yea close to hotwiring a runabout when he was caught, and later cobbled together a remote control for said runabout out of random circuitry behind a wall in his jail cell even though he was severely claustrophobic. Miles who? So, yep, it's Garak4.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:59 PM on April 22, 2012


Oh, almost forgot the time that he nearly hacked the Defiant's fire-control computers in an attempt to nuke the Great Link. He probably could have taken over DS9 at any given time if he'd been bored enough.
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:04 PM on April 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


Artw It's not really clear exactly what Jabba does with his women, really, except the dancing thing. If you think about it at all it becomes fantastically gross, and Carrie Fisher was perobably right to choke him to death with a chain.

Okay, I know this one.
But only because my kid loves SW and I have a soft spot for those old NPR radio plays. (You remember that Lucas donated to them the rights to use the scripts, characters and music?)They're pretty good. I don't have to watch the movies, we can listen and do other things. And now I am just rationalizing the amount of Star Wars dreck in my life.
Anyway, they're pretty good (except for the awful Yoda imitator) AND they include scenes and dialogue that never made it into the movies. Anyway, per Wookkiepedia "They are part of Star Wars canon within its Expanded Universe." ROTJ was written years after the movie so it includes stuff from other canonical sources as well. Anyway, C3-PO is talking to a dancing girl in Jabba's palace about his current favorite girl (the one that gets thrown in the Rancor pit) and she reveals that Jabba is unhappy with her because there "is one dance that she will not do" for Jabba. She says it in a suggestive manner. I assumed this was a reference to Jabba's sexual tastes.

Anyway, in my defense, I remember this idiotic bit of Star Wars trivia because me and the kid listened to it this afternoon while driving home from a music festival. After 5 days of music, the kid just wanted some Star Wars.
posted by Seamus at 8:01 PM on April 22, 2012


Garak Garak Garak Garak then.

I fucking love you guys. This seriously made my day.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 8:10 PM on April 22, 2012


A four way Garak happy finish - of course it came to this.
posted by Artw at 11:38 PM on April 22, 2012


How is the Olympics cabal not suing the shit out of him right now?
posted by gottabefunky at 11:39 PM on April 22, 2012


How is the Olympics cabal not suing the shit out of him right now?

This is the most Aspergian thing anyone's said in this post so far. Everyone's talking queer theory in sci-fi and you latched onto one detail in a guy's Twitter bio. Wow.

Wow.
posted by Edison Carter at 7:28 AM on April 23, 2012


Simon Pegg touched on this the first time he showed up on Top Gear.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:33 AM on April 23, 2012


More Brooker on the Olympics.
posted by Artw at 9:17 AM on April 23, 2012


You know, I've also had this nagging suspicion that the Mario Brothers arn't actually brothers, or even just really good friends....

Here's some proof that your suspicion is justified.
posted by overglow at 9:27 AM on April 23, 2012


I'm not really sure what this article was about
posted by MangyCarface at 9:32 AM on April 23, 2012


It's hard to see how they could make Star Wars any gayer, unless they gave the Millennium Falcon a handlebar moustache.

::Looks down at own moustache::

Heyyy... the ladies LOVE a handlebar moustache. Even straight guys can be fabulous now and again, right? In space? While having anal sex with Sonic the Hedgehog?
posted by FatherDagon at 12:14 PM on April 23, 2012


Attack of the Clones
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:50 PM on April 23, 2012


Metafilter: Everyone's talking queer theory in sci-fi and yet latching onto random details gets one tagged as Aspergian.
posted by Blue_Villain at 3:47 PM on April 23, 2012


Am I the only sad SW nerdling thinking back to Juhani and what could have been?

I am?

Okay then.

I'll just... be over there.
posted by cmyk at 7:01 PM on April 23, 2012


Is "Aspergian" the new "retard"?

Because, seriously.
posted by gottabefunky at 10:42 PM on April 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


Is "Aspergian" the new "retard"?

Because, seriously.


I have a child with Asperger's. I'm not insulting; I'm pointing out something that reminds me of the very thing he does: focus intently on a tiny detail in the midst of something else. So calm down.
posted by Edison Carter at 10:08 AM on April 25, 2012


for a thousand years
posted by homunculus at 1:03 PM on April 25, 2012


How is the Olympics cabal not suing the shit out of him right now?

This is the most Aspergian thing anyone's said in this post so far. Everyone's talking queer theory in sci-fi and you latched onto one detail in a guy's Twitter bio. Wow.


End times apocalypiptic Olympics thread, for those waiting for it...
posted by Artw at 9:44 AM on April 28, 2012


"You know, I've also had this nagging suspicion that the Mario Brothers arn't actually brothers, or even just really good friends....

overglow: Here's some proof that your suspicion is justified.
"

Holy shit thats awesome. I'll be in my bunk, governing myself appropriately.*
posted by Blasdelb at 3:07 PM on April 28, 2012


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