F-bombing the moon.

May 5, 2012 4:36 AM

Farting and f-bombing on the Moon - Apollo 16. [SLYT] Houston: "Okay John. We have a hot mike." Commander John Young: "How long we had that?"
posted by srboisvert (54 comments total)

HOLY SHIT MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON Neil Armstrong's historic first words on moon: HOLY LIVING FUCK
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:47 AM on May 5, 2012 [18 favorites]

I kinda want to know if his farts filled up and were contained in his spacesuit or if the farts were billowing through the craft.
posted by angrycat at 4:55 AM on May 5, 2012

farting on the moon
a spaceman passing gas
it stays there in his suit
it lingers round his ass
and if some fumes escape
well, ain't no one to smell it
and no one would've known
if spaceman didn't tell it

but there it is on tape
he told us he broke wind
it's all there on the record
ain't no denying, friend
when man walked on the moon
he cut the cheese, it's true
and hey, if you went to the moon
well, you might do it too
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:04 AM on May 5, 2012 [32 favorites]

It is impossible to determine the funniest incident in human history, but for sheer scale I do not think this one can be surpassed. I am inclined to like Cmdr. Young. He reminds me of my dad in this recording, although my dad is usually one to make other people do the complaining.

I first learned about this through Packing for Mars by Mary Roach. I was listening to it as an audiobook while I lay in bed with the flu, feeling miserable; then this anecdote came along. Oh my God, the laughing hurt my lungs. I recommend the whole thing.
posted by Countess Elena at 5:06 AM on May 5, 2012 [9 favorites]

Giant steps are what you take
Farting on the moon
posted by emelenjr at 5:18 AM on May 5, 2012 [19 favorites]

Bathroom in his pants.
Thinks he's better than me.
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:30 AM on May 5, 2012 [5 favorites]

This is great. The funniest thing to me is that he just sounds like some good 'ol boy chatting with his friends, not the commander of a space mission.
posted by KGMoney at 5:46 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

That was great. Sometimes I think that if NASA wasn't so uptight and controlling about its image on basic human stuff like this they'd have more support from the public.

If you like this sort of thing - astronauts being farting, cursing, occasionally obnoxious humans - Mike Mullane's book Riding Rockets: The Outrageous Tales of a Space Shuttle Astronaut is really good. Mary Roach recommends it in a footnote in Packing for Mars by saying something like, "If you read just one astronaut memoir, make it Mike Mullane's." He enjoys playing the reactionary sexist jerk a little too much (but eventually comes around after seeing female astronauts do everything he can do and more, even if he never liked Sally Ride) but the book is filled with fantastic and very funny details about the process of applying, training and blasting into space.

But I'm glad I read it after The Mercury 13: The True Story of Thirteen Women and the Dream of Space Flight, which is a sharp look inside the little-known program that - oh so tantalizingly and disappointingly almost - put women into space in the 1960s. The stuff about how female candidates far outperformed males on some of the stress and isolation tests is an eye-opener, and the way women astronauts were patronized and dismissed during Congressional hearings is heartbreaking.

Anyway, farting astronauts always reminds me of those two books.
posted by mediareport at 5:46 AM on May 5, 2012 [15 favorites]

"put American women into space in the 1960s," I mean.
posted by mediareport at 5:47 AM on May 5, 2012

Anyway, farting astronauts always reminds me of those two books.

Not to mention The Right Stuff.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:49 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

"I'll fart round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares maelstrom and round perdition's flames before I give up farting in space!"
posted by blue_beetle at 5:51 AM on May 5, 2012 [5 favorites]

If you pull his finger, does he become a Rocket Man?
posted by Faint of Butt at 5:53 AM on May 5, 2012 [4 favorites]

this is ground control to Major Tom
you've really passed the gaaaa-aa-aa-aaaas
and the papers want to know
each time you faaaah-art
now it's time to air the capsule
better staaah-aa-aa-art

ground control to Major Tom
you're really blowing major bombs
can you stop it, Major Tom?
can you stop it, Major Tom?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:01 AM on May 5, 2012 [3 favorites]

Earth below us,
Drifting, falling,
Floating weightless,
Silent, but deadly,
Calling, calling, home.
posted by porn in the woods at 6:09 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Roger, Tranquility. We copy that.
posted by SteelyDuran at 6:09 AM on May 5, 2012 [3 favorites]

A rat bit my sister Nell,while Whitey's farting on the moon.
posted by humanfont at 6:20 AM on May 5, 2012 [7 favorites]

Well, that went over like a fart in a spacesuit.
posted by TedW at 6:22 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

One small step on a duck for man; one giant beep for mankind.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 6:24 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket.
posted by foxhat10 at 6:53 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

I've smelled things you people wouldn't believe. Arseholes on fire after a shoulder of mutton. I've dealt baked-bean shitters in the park near Lancaster Gate. All those ... trouser-trumps will be lost in time, like farts... in vacuum.

Time to drop one.
posted by Devonian at 6:57 AM on May 5, 2012 [14 favorites]

Oh, and +1 Riding Rockets. After you've finished it, you'll know why they were so darn keen to close down the Shuttle program. That thing was not safe, could not be made safe, and they were going to lose another one.
posted by Devonian at 7:02 AM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

flapjax at midnite: "this is ground control to Major Tom
you've really passed the gaaaa-aa-aa-aaaas
and the papers want to know
each time you faaaah-art
now it's time to air the capsule
better staaah-aa-aa-art

ground control to Major Tom
you're really blowing major bombs
can you stop it, Major Tom?
can you stop it, Major Tom?"

Heeeeeeeeere am I shitting in a tin can...
posted by symbioid at 7:10 AM on May 5, 2012 [3 favorites]

Heeeeeeeeere am I shitting in a tin can...

D'oh! I never think of the BEST lines!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:28 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

I can't pay no doctor bill (but Whitey's farting on the moon)
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 7:35 AM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

A faaaaaart above the world.
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 7:37 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Heeeeeeeeere am I shitting in a tin can...
A faaaaaart above the world.

My language may be blue,
Do you want me to say 'poo'?
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:52 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

On a less frivolous note, I found the related 45-minute BBC documentary from 1983? on the career of John Young highly entertaining. One cool cucumber.
posted by scelerat at 7:54 AM on May 5, 2012 [4 favorites]

I think if you put a couple of Navy aviators on a rock 150,000 miles from home in what amounts to a port-a-potty with rockets on it, the biggest shock would be them not farting or saying fuck. Seriously, somewhere between titanic restraint and federal censorship exists the Apollo mission tapes.
posted by littlerobothead at 8:07 AM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

"Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket" has become my oath-of-choice.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 8:23 AM on May 5, 2012

They were downing so much citrus because the Apollo 15 crew suffered from severe potassium lost. One of them, Jim Irwin, suffered something like a heart attack (can't remember the exact term) after they lifted off from the Moon.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:25 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Also, Young has written a biography, due this Fall. He's one of three people that went to the moon twice and holds the record for the largest variety of spacecraft flown
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:33 AM on May 5, 2012

On John Young's first flight (Gemini III, the first manned Gemini mission,) he surprised his command pilot -- one Gus Grissom -- by pulling out a corned beef sandwich when on orbit. He claims that he had permission from Deke Slayton, and Slayton later claimed to confirm it, but there's some rumbling that this was just on pilot covering another pilot's ass.

Putting Grissom and Young together did put two very competent, task focused and capable astronauts together, which is exactly what you wanted for the first mission in a new spacecraft. Alas, it also put two of the biggest, well, let's just say "tricksters" onto the same flight. Grissom, still smarting from losing the Liberty Bell 7 when the capsule hatch's explosive release system fired early^*, decided to name the craft The Unsinkable Molly Brown. NASA brass wasn't happy, and asked Gus for another name. His answer? "How about Titanic?". After this, spacecraft were no longer named until Apollo 9, the first Apollo mission with both the CSM and LM in flight. Since they would separate in flight, callsigns were needed. Alas, the command of that mission, James McDivitt, while also a very competent and task focused individual, did not have quite the, let's just say, "imagination" that Grissom and Young did, took one look at the CM and LM, and named the "Gumdrop" and "Spider."

I guess I should not that McDivitt retired from the airforce with a flag rank, Brigidier General, but Young retired from the name as a Captain. I deeply suspect this is related to their, well, call it positions on humor.

McDivitt flew two missions, Gemini IV as the pilot and Apollo 9 as the commander. Grissom, alas, also only flew two, Liberty Bell 7 and Gemini III. He was slated to be the commander of AS-204, not yet named Apollo 1, but that's another, sadder story.

Young, however, while not exactly thriving in the Navy, became one of the great astronauts (and one of the great ass-tronauts), stayed on with NASA for 42 years, and made three flights -- Gemini 3 (pilot) and 10 (command pilot), Apollo 10 (LMP) and 16 (CMD) and commanded both STS-1 and STS-9. STS-1, of course, was the first flight, STS-9 was the first six-man flight, and the first time non-NASA astronauts were onboard, including Ulf Merbold, ESA, the first person from another country that NASA flew.

Good guy. I hope he gets corned beef whenever he wants it.




^* There was a lot of disagreement on why the hatch blew, and one posit was "Gus hit the trigger and fired it." It became obvious that, at the very least, NASA forgave Grissom, and almost certainly believed it wasn't his fault, because they gave him the Gemini III mission. The convincing evidence was the discovery that when you hit the hatch eject button, there was some kickback from the explosive charged. Wally Schirra on Sigma 7, stayed in the craft until it was hoisted onto the carrier, whereupon he then told everyone to stand clear and hit the hatch eject button. The hatch skittered across the deck, and Schirra emerged -- with a fairly nasty bruise on his had from where he'd hit the button. Grissom had no such bruises when he was given a very thorough physical after his flight. Grissom was vindicated, and given the Gemini III command.
posted by eriko at 8:35 AM on May 5, 2012 [21 favorites]

made three flights

Hee hee
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:42 AM on May 5, 2012

You get to know people if you see them when they think they're alone. You see them for what they truly are: selfish, deceitful, and gassy. — the Invisible Man, Heroes

posted by XMLicious at 8:55 AM on May 5, 2012

This is just further proof that wonder aside, these guys were just doing their job. You complain and cuss and fart on your job, and so do they.
posted by Gungho at 9:18 AM on May 5, 2012

As the guy with the "dubious honor" of creating the first digital fart effect in motion picture history (according to Cinefex), I heartily approve of this post.
posted by dbiedny at 9:20 AM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

Circling 'round Uranus looking for Klingons.

I may be wrong about this, but I think something similar happened on Apollo 12, with Chuck Conrad and the appropriately named Alan Bean.
posted by Mcable at 9:26 AM on May 5, 2012

the first digital fart effect in motion picture history

You need to tack that on to the end of the THX sound effect.
posted by XMLicious at 9:29 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

You could have just linked to the video.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:41 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

twoleftfeet: "HOLY SHIT MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON Neil Armstrong's historic first words on moon: HOLY LIVING FUCK"

twoleftfeet, I'm glad you posted that. I want to add the audio version of it.

I love this audio. I loved it when The Onion first put it online a few years ago (without the ridiculous soundtrack behind it). It might sound silly, but it gave me then and it gives me now goosebumps. This has to be exactly what was going through the heads of the astronauts as they landed on the moon, and in my mind it captures so perfectly the awesomeness of that achievement. It also humanizes the act. "One small step ..." blah blah blah okay yeah that was created by a PR person. Those words? I don't fucking care about 'em. I want to hear the emotion of the moonlanding, and The Onion summed it up.

And this post is awesome, because holy shit there were humans up there. Real live honest-to-god humans! Farting and everything!

Holy shit the moon landing! We landed on the goddamned moon!
posted by barnacles at 11:24 AM on May 5, 2012 [3 favorites]

Donovan recorded a lovely folk song about space poop. Behold!
posted by Sys Rq at 11:53 AM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

Han Solo: You've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
Obi-Wan: Should I have?
Han Solo: It's the shit that made the Kessel Run in less than twelve arse-pecks.
posted by Hogshead at 12:04 PM on May 5, 2012

Fart on the moon. How'd it get there?
posted by Snyder at 3:02 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

I guess I should not that McDivitt retired from the airforce with a flag rank, Brigidier General, but Young retired from the name as a Captain.

I believe Young retired with the Navy rank of Captain, which is equivalent in the Air Force to a full Colonel (just one rank below Brigadier General, where an Air Force Captain is 4 ranks lower than Brigadier General).
posted by chimaera at 3:46 PM on May 5, 2012

Poopie suit
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 4:55 PM on May 5, 2012

mediareport: I also picked up Riding Rockets after the enthusiastic recommendation Mary Roach made in that book. Mullane's rendition of the last moments of the Challenger from inside the orbiter is one of the most gripping things I read in a long time.
posted by dr_dank at 6:11 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

If I'm remembering this right, Young was the pilot for this time to climb record called Project Sky Burner or Operation Sky Burner. It was the flight that put then then-new F-15 into the record books.

Young was also the first pilot of the shuttle when they shot that thing into orbit.

He's always been sort of an interesting guy.
posted by Relay at 6:25 PM on May 5, 2012

I love this audio. I loved it when The Onion first put it online a few years ago (without the ridiculous soundtrack behind it). It might sound silly, but it gave me then and it gives me now goosebumps. This has to be exactly what was going through the heads of the astronauts as they landed on the moon, and in my mind it captures so perfectly the awesomeness of that achievement. It also humanizes the act. "One small step ..." blah blah blah okay yeah that was created by a PR person. Those words? I don't fucking care about 'em. I want to hear the emotion of the moonlanding, and The Onion summed it up.

Interesting, I have always absolutely hated the "Holy shit I'm on the moon" audio because it makes Armstrong sound like an idiot frat boy overwhelmed by emotion and unable to articulate himself. Nothing could be further from the truth.

The man was known for being a consummate professional, an excellent engineer with solid grasp of how engineering effected the ships he piloted. Plus, he had a knack for saying the right thing to crowds. When he went on goodwill mission in South America for NASA during the Gemini program, he made a point of learning some of the local language and talking about their aerospace heros. The crowds absolutely loved him.

As to the "one small step" statement, here's the story behind it:

I thought that when I step off it's just going to be a little step, you'll step from there, down to there. But then I thought about all those 400,000 people that had given me the opportunity to make that step and thought it's gonna be a big something for all those folks and indeed a lot of others that weren't even involved in the project. So it was a kind of simple correlation of thoughts. (60 minutes TV show, 6 November 2005)

The man was taking the first steps on the moon, but he was thinking about everyone else and how much it would mean to them.

To me, that means so much more than endlessly droning on about being on the moon. He may not have been the first choice to land on the Moon or even the second, but he turned out to the best one not only for that job, but for its aftermath.

As to John Young, he was card, here's what he said after landing during the Apollo 16 mission:

119:04:05 Young: There you are: Mysterious and Unknown Descartes. Highland plains. Apollo 16 is gonna change your image. (16-mm camera off) I'm sure glad they got ol' Brer Rabbit, here, back in the briar patch where he belongs.
[This is a reference to the Joel Chandler Harris story "How Mr. Rabbit was too sharp for Mr. Fox". In the story, Brer Rabbit has become entangled with the Tar Baby and is caught by Brer Fox. Brer Fox thinks he might roast Brer Rabbit, who says, "I don't care what you do with me, Brer Fox, just so you don't fling me in that briar patch." As it turns out, there is no firewood handy, so Brer Fox thinks about hanging Brer Rabbit, who says that would be much better than being thrown in the briar patch. And so on. On his fourth spaceflight, NASA has finally thrown John in the briar patch.]

If you'd like to know what various Apollo astronauts thought and felt about the missions, check out Voices from the Moon. It's an absolutely gorgeous book of photos from the moon, combined with quotes from various Apollo astronauts.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:36 PM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

Voices from the Moon looks great, Brandon, thanks. Another amazing one is The Home Planet, a gorgeous coffee table book with beautiful photos of earth next to powerful, deeply spiritual quotes from astronauts of various countries. Their awed thoughts about the surprising fragility of the thin line of earth's atmosphere, the slow reveal of new shades of ocean color, the sadness at realizing their family and friends would never see what they've just seen, the loveliness and loneliness of space, etc, are so revealing. A couple of my faves:

You experience a strange dreamlike sensation of freedom. You can spread out your arms and legs as if soaring in the clouds. You quickly learn to avoid solid objects or the walls of the station, though. Rubbing your bruise, you remember that your mass remains with you, even in another galaxy.
Valeri Kubasov
USSR

The first day or so we all pointed to our countries. The third or fourth day we were pointing to our continents. By the fifth day we were aware of only one Earth.
Sultan Bin Salman al-Saud
Saudi Arabia

Space is so close: It took only eight minutes to get there and twenty to get back.
Wubbo Ockels
Netherlands

We spent most of the way home discussing what color the moon was.
Eugene Cernan
USA

It's a really fantastic book, one of my top ten desert island book picks, and I can't recommend it enough to someone looking for a gift for a young science lover.
posted by mediareport at 10:19 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

I have always absolutely hated the "Holy shit I'm on the moon" audio because it makes Armstrong sound like an idiot frat boy overwhelmed by emotion and unable to articulate himself. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Therein lies the humor. But if you have to explain it...
posted by Hoopo at 10:29 PM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

"Okay John. We have a hot mike." Commander John Young: "How long we had that?"

I'm not gonna lie, I spent a good while assuming that was some kind of slang too old to be documented in Urban Dictionary. It's a hot mic.
posted by pwnguin at 12:37 AM on May 6, 2012

Since we are talking about dirty humour, I can't help but say:
I hope he watches out for the ripple effect after landing on the moon.
posted by livinglearning at 1:24 PM on May 6, 2012

Brandon Blatcher: "Interesting, I have always absolutely hated the "Holy shit I'm on the moon" audio because it makes Armstrong sound like an idiot frat boy overwhelmed by emotion and unable to articulate himself. Nothing could be further from the truth."

Brandon Blatcher, I guess for me it's the clinical tone of voice that we're familiar from in other moon landing clips combined with the sort of language that someone like I would actually be using in that sort of situation. "Uhhhh, roger that, Houston. We are on the fucking moon. over." "Roger that. We cannot believe you are on the fucking moon. Repeat, cannot fucking believe it. Over." ... "The MOON, for Christ's sake. The moon. Over."

It's just too perfect. It's not frat-boyish to me, but is just awesome. And I suppose it's because I'm exactly the sort of vulgar bastard who would be on the moon yelling "HOLY SHIT I AM ON THE MOON HOLY SHI....I THINK I JUST POOPED MY SUIT I AM TOO FUCKING EXCITED I AM ON THE MOON HOUSTON OVER"
posted by barnacles at 7:52 AM on May 7, 2012

Oh yeah, I totally get that, but I've probably geeked out too much about the details. Basically, the astronauts trained so hard and thoroughly (and had military backgrounds), that it was strictly professional for the most part when landing. The commander actually did very little flying of the Lunar Module, maybe a minute or two at the very end. I read somewhere that the Commanders of the lunar landing missions needed every bit of their test pilot experience and training during those last few minutes.

When they landed, Armstrong and Aldrin took a few seconds to shake hands and pat each other on the back. Then they got back to business, which was readying the ship to take off again. Meanwhile, Mission Control was looking at data from the ship, to see if all the system were ok. There were two STAY or GO decisions, a minute and then two minutes after touchdown. After that point, the orbiting Command Module was too far ahead for them to catch up with, so they'd stay, unless something serious was going on.

Once those decisions passed, Armstrong and Aldrin relaxed a little and started looking out the window, describing what they were seeing.

If you want to get technical, Aldrin actually said the first words on the moon, when they landed, which was "Contact Light", i.e. six foot probes dangling from the Lunar Module's landing gear indicated they were touching the ground. Armstrong shut off the engine, they fell those last few feet and he said "Touch down."

Aldrin was also the first person to pee on the moon. Top that Neil!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:07 PM on May 7, 2012 [1 favorite]