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May 18, 2012 12:02 PM   Subscribe

GQ Attempts to make a man out of Justin Bieber.
posted by eugenen (95 comments total) 8 users marked this as a favorite

 
I predict we hit peak Drew Magary in 2012.
posted by Keith Talent at 12:04 PM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


a black version of Johnny Depp's Willy Wonka

Wait, what?
posted by Chekhovian at 12:06 PM on May 18, 2012 [9 favorites]


I'll bet they can do it in just seven days.
posted by Roentgen at 12:09 PM on May 18, 2012 [20 favorites]


His voice is so high, it sounds like a ringtone.

See, that's good stuff right there.
posted by vverse23 at 12:10 PM on May 18, 2012 [7 favorites]


editors of GQ need to have their manhood checked. Leave the guy alone and let him be what he wants to be or is.
posted by Postroad at 12:14 PM on May 18, 2012 [11 favorites]


Justin Bieber was the first teen pop idol to make me feel old. Up until him, I could say, oh yeah, he's cute. With Bieber it was like, that child? With the silly haircut? What? Now there's all these new boy bands and they look like little boys too (and they don't even DANCE, wtf; at least BSB and NSYNC had moves) and I'm old. Ooooooooooold.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:17 PM on May 18, 2012 [34 favorites]


I'm old. Ooooooooooold.

If you're old, how do you think *I* feel?
posted by The Deej at 12:20 PM on May 18, 2012 [2 favorites]


a black version of Johnny Depp's Willy Wonka

Wait, what?


The hair, I guess?
posted by shakespeherian at 12:21 PM on May 18, 2012


a black version of Johnny Depp's Willy Wonka

Wait, what?


El Debarge. (Especially with those pushed-up sleeves.)
posted by Gator at 12:22 PM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oops, I misread that and thought it was about Bieber. I stand by the comparison, though.
posted by Gator at 12:23 PM on May 18, 2012


I'm old. Ooooooooooold.

I like to think that you are not old until you turn 100 because that's when you hit the triple digits.
posted by livinglearning at 12:24 PM on May 18, 2012 [7 favorites]


Wow, what a bunch of toxic horseshit.
posted by threeants at 12:24 PM on May 18, 2012 [3 favorites]


But the question remains: Is he a man? (If you just laughed, congratulations: You're mean.)

I did laugh, but not at Bieber.
posted by mhoye at 12:24 PM on May 18, 2012 [4 favorites]


GQ editors should've found someone named "Justin Bieber" to write this piece. Someone on the road, looking for his other, cooler doppelgänger.
posted by octobersurprise at 12:24 PM on May 18, 2012 [2 favorites]


His flow is slower than prostate cancer.

OK, that's awesome.
posted by effugas at 12:27 PM on May 18, 2012 [4 favorites]


I read this hoping to understand a) my cousins and b) why he was swaggering with Floyd Mayweather before the Cotto fight. I'm still confused about that last bit since it sounds like I've play-sparred more than him, but mainly I'm really glad I'm not Justin Bieber's world.
posted by jetlagaddict at 12:28 PM on May 18, 2012


TL;DR?
posted by scose at 12:29 PM on May 18, 2012


Come on, swaggy bros!

I've been repeating this to myself out loud all day and it just sounds sillier and sillier each time.
posted by troika at 12:31 PM on May 18, 2012 [7 favorites]


Ugh, Bieber hate is so tired. He's a pop singer, singing pop songs. Let the kid have his brief moment in the sun, he'll be forgotten before you know it.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 12:32 PM on May 18, 2012 [6 favorites]




I read this hoping to understand a) my cousins and b) why he was swaggering with Floyd Mayweather before the Cotto fight. I'm still confused about that last bit since it sounds like I've play-sparred more than him, but mainly I'm really glad I'm not Justin Bieber's world.
posted by jetlagaddict at 12:28 PM on May 18 [+] [!]


Wait, wait, wait. I came here by accident, but can you explain this relationship in a way that doesn't involve me having to read a turgid GQ article?
posted by Stagger Lee at 12:34 PM on May 18, 2012


His rep says he's five feet nine, but he looks about four feet four, maybe one hundred pounds.

Then my rep says i'm 6'1 and strapping handsome.
posted by polymodus at 12:35 PM on May 18, 2012


That was not particularly enlightening. Plus the writer seems like an obnoxious ass.
posted by zarq at 12:37 PM on May 18, 2012 [2 favorites]


The Biebz is growing up alright. How cute. TMZ even stopped teasing him about his voice because it's no longer a pre-pubescent voice. Beaver days become Bieber days.

I must admit that was kind of mean. Sometimes, I like to pretend that I'm a comedienne.
posted by livinglearning at 12:37 PM on May 18, 2012


What's a Bieber?
posted by jonmc at 12:39 PM on May 18, 2012


He also raps (note that I did not use either the word 'freestyle' or the word 'rapper').
posted by box at 12:40 PM on May 18, 2012


That was not particularly enlightening. Plus the writer Bieber seems like an obnoxious ass.
posted by Fizz at 12:40 PM on May 18, 2012 [3 favorites]


He had better turn into a nerdrage hero in 10 years like Wheaton did.
posted by KokuRyu at 12:40 PM on May 18, 2012 [10 favorites]


Wait, wait, wait. I came here by accident, but can you explain this relationship in a way that doesn't involve me having to read a turgid GQ article?

He was totally in his entourage! It was really bizarre! Anyway, his dad was an MMA fighter and Bieber actually owns boxing gear, but never appears to have done much of anything with it. Which is kind of a shame, because that would be an interesting thing about him. I assume it's because no one in his PR team realized that Mayweather is kind of a huge jerk, although apparently Bieber's a huge fan of the guy.
posted by jetlagaddict at 12:41 PM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


There's a glimpse of a thoughtful person in there, someone who knows he's a caged animal.

And you want to put him in yet another one, where there's a certain kind of way to be a man. Good for you.
posted by rtha at 12:41 PM on May 18, 2012 [11 favorites]


Aww, he looks like Janelle Monae in that photo! (I mean that as a compliment; Janelle Monae is good-looking and stylish, and yes it is totally okay for dudes to look like women.)

Also, I like "Baby," and I have the red color from the Justin Bieber nail polish line and it's a really good shade of red.

So, no, I don't really want to punch him in the face. He's okay by me.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:41 PM on May 18, 2012 [3 favorites]


Correction: Bieber tries to make a man out of himself by granting GQ a fawning interview.
posted by anewnadir at 12:41 PM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


Whats a swaggy bros?

Bros, I get. Swaggy? No clue.
posted by Keith Talent at 12:41 PM on May 18, 2012


High score on meanness, low score on funniness.
posted by MoonOrb at 12:42 PM on May 18, 2012


That was not particularly enlightening. Plus the writer Bieber seems like an obnoxious ass.

Well of course he is, I think the article sums it up very well:

He goes from his secluded house to his secluded Range Rover to his secluded studio, rarely setting foot in the exposed world. Suggesting that we pop down the block to a restaurant is insane. Stupid, even. I have been assured by Scooter Braun, Bieber's manager, that Bieber is "very normal, very regular," which is nonsense. No one can be normal living under the circumstances that constitute daily life for Justin Bieber.

I don't care how normal you were before, the kind of fame a teen pop idol goes through for a few years (and then loses to a younger, cuter idol) has to mess up your head.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:42 PM on May 18, 2012 [3 favorites]


Whats a swaggy bros?

Swaggy: Having swag. Being able to portray swag in the way a person walks, talks and dresses.

Swag: The way in which you carry yourself. Swag is made up of your overall confidence, style, and demeanor. Swag can also be expanded to be the reputation of your overall swagger. You gain swag, or "Swag up", by performing swag worthy actions that improve this perception. A person can also "swag down," by being an overall pussy and garnering negative swag for their actions. Swag is a subtle thing that many strive to gain but few actually attain. It is reserved for the most swagalicious of people. Swag can also be quantified, with point systems existing in some circles of friends.

Thanks, Urban Dictionary. I don't understand half the terms that people my age use anymore. I guess that might be a good thing though.
posted by livinglearning at 12:46 PM on May 18, 2012 [3 favorites]


El Debarge

Oh, you win. I was going to say Morris Day, but you win.

Wait, wait -- late entry: Janelle Monae

That's it. Can't do better than that.

The Bieb is all right. Let him be. You don't like him? You're not SUPPOSED to like him. He's not for you. Pop stars aren't supposed to appeal to old farts like....er, me. He seems to be settling into it well. Note that Frankie Avalon is still touring.
posted by Fnarf at 12:47 PM on May 18, 2012 [4 favorites]


Swag is a subtle thing that many strive to gain but few actually attain. It is reserved for the most swagalicious of people. Swag can also be quantified, with point systems existing in some circles of friends.

So it's like whuffie?
posted by octobersurprise at 12:51 PM on May 18, 2012 [4 favorites]


No results for "Tijuana".
posted by Burhanistan at 12:52 PM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


According to Urban Dictionary, whuffie means:
A fluid, complex system of cultural currency and reputation. Created by the Bitchun Society in "Down and Out in the Magic Kingom" by Cory Doctoro
posted by livinglearning at 1:02 PM on May 18, 2012


Outtakes From My Four Hours with Justin Bieber, the Swaggiest of Swaggy Bros.
posted by box at 1:04 PM on May 18, 2012


Note that Frankie Avalon is still touring.

Which made me think of Frankie Lymon, who, not so much.
posted by Gator at 1:05 PM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


"At one point while we were in the studio, Bieber played for me a two-minute rap by Jaden Smith, who is a friend of his. (Of course they're friends.) I wrote in the article that Bieber is a lousy rapper, but Jaden Smith is a hundred times worse. He's fucking AWFUL. It was torture. Longest two minutes of my life. And the guys from West Coast Customs loved it. I think they're so good at pretending to like shit that they've crossed over into genuinely liking it."
posted by box at 1:06 PM on May 18, 2012 [3 favorites]


It's almost midnight, and Bieber is going home now. But before he leaves, he pokes his head into the break room to yell, "GOOD NIGHT, BITCHES!" Melissa, the PR lady, winces. But she shouldn't. That, right there, is a proper 18-year-old, someone who probably knows how to draw an excellent dick on a grease board. To be a real man, you gotta be a real boy first.

Um, no. To be a real man, you need to leave this childish bullshit behind.
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:20 PM on May 18, 2012 [4 favorites]


"I mean, I keep my guard up a lot, because you know, you can't trust anyone in this business," Bieber says. "That's what's sad. You can't trust anybody. I learned the hard way."

Shit, imagine feeling that way about the world at 18. I mean, I was plenty depressed and cynical at 18, but a lot of that depression and cynicism was based on misconceptions and stupid bullshit. But he's probably right about not being able to trust anyone. On this subject he sounds a lot like Elvis*, and things worked out pretty well for him, right?

He goes from his secluded house to his secluded Range Rover to his secluded studio, rarely setting foot in the exposed world.

A while back I saw some footage of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt somewhere in southeast Asia...might have been Thailand. Wherever they were, they tried to sneak out of their hotel to do some relatively normal tourist-y stuff, but of course the paparazzi got wind of it and within a couple of blocks they were surrounded by photographers and people gawking and had to go back back and hole up in their luxury hotel. A cage is still a cage, no matter how gilded.

* I cannot recommend this book highly enough
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:22 PM on May 18, 2012 [4 favorites]


What would happen if Jaden Smith "Parents just don't understand?"
posted by drezdn at 1:22 PM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


"To be a real man, you gotta be a real boy first."

Um, no. To be a real man, you need to leave this childish bullshit behind.


I think that's what the word "first" signifies, GenjiandProust.
posted by bicyclefish at 1:23 PM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Swaggy Bro" sounds like it should be some kind of British dessert.
posted by maudlin at 1:24 PM on May 18, 2012 [5 favorites]


It will be a sad day here if BitterOldPunk doesn't chime in on this one. Might just be a bit too easy though.
posted by RolandOfEld at 1:28 PM on May 18, 2012


This article made me feel horrible. The writer is an awful person. At some point he laments how Bieber doesn't trust anyone but Bieber was right not to trust this person. This writer acts like he's so superior, a real man, an adult, and the kid is supposed to live up to his standards or else there is something wrong. The line that made me cringe the most: "he finally comes over to a nearby barstool and engages with me like an adult". Who is this guy??

Reading around all the snide, nasty remarks by the writer, I don't see how Bieber is all that obnoxious. He sticks up for Kim Kardashian. Of course the writer makes fun of him for sticking up for someone as worthless as Kim Kardashian. He also seems humble enough to accept reproof, as happened when he made fun of Platinum Motorsports.

I just hate the whole narrative around Justin Bieber. The need to tear him down, to question his masculinity. I just hate it, I'm sorry.
posted by Danila at 1:28 PM on May 18, 2012 [31 favorites]


Great, now I have pity.
posted by Nomyte at 1:29 PM on May 18, 2012 [3 favorites]


He's 18. He's no more of a "man" than when he was 17 and a half. And given his extremely sheltered life, he probably won't be mature for quite a few more years.
posted by me3dia at 1:33 PM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


Wonder if/how he's going to vote.

(I don't actually wonder, I'm just pointing out that he now has the right to vote.)
posted by Gator at 1:36 PM on May 18, 2012


"I was told your dad was an MMA fighter."
"Yeah, he was."
"So you could beat my ass."
"No, not really."


That's an adult talking. No macho bull, no pretense. In that exchange, Bieber is confident enough in his own identity that he doesn't feel the need to hide behind stereotypical masculine posturing. It sounds to me like Bieber skipped clean over adolescence and went straight to maturity.

Maybe not. Magary would make anyone look good by comparison.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 1:40 PM on May 18, 2012 [6 favorites]


I read this yesterday and felt kind of sorry for the writer, picturing him back in his hotel room going "fuck, I got basically no real access, no insight, no nothing and there's not enough here for a real article" hence the weird "manliness" angle and all the rest of it. I feel like if they had given him a week in that studio we could have seen a real interesting peek behind the scenes of that insular world, like that amazing James Brown article from a while back, but the handlers in this case were careful to head off anything like that. Instead he got ten minutes in a locked billiards room with an uncommunicative Bieb and had to salvage it the best he could. Lame article but I don't know if I could have done much better with the material.
posted by chaff at 1:42 PM on May 18, 2012 [7 favorites]


Wonder if/how he's going to vote.

Well, he most likely has three years to make up his mind.
posted by Homeboy Trouble at 1:42 PM on May 18, 2012


I didn't learn anything about Bieber. I did learn a lot about the reporter, though. There's this pernicious kind of celebrity writer who is, functionally, a star fucker, but knows it and hates that about themselves. So instead of doing their stupid job honestly, or finding a job they find palatable, instead they swap out the fawning celebrity interview with a hostile one. And they meta it up, so that we know that they know that they're part of a star-making machine, and they know we're both smart enough to know it's horseshit. And so they pepper their interviews with hostility, and sometimes throw in a really mean-spirited question just so they seem like they are tough reporters, and the whole thing is written with a succession of cruel punchlines.

I think the point of this article is that Bieber is about to transition from childhood to adulthood, and that is very difficult. Instead, the point I got is that this writer needs to find a job where he doesn't hate his subject and himself for writing it.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 2:02 PM on May 18, 2012 [21 favorites]


"He'll be Pete Townshend in, like, two years," I say.

"Who?"


And that's why they have the best band name, ever.
posted by grog at 2:04 PM on May 18, 2012 [8 favorites]


Turns out neither Bieber nor his team were all that interested in any of our manly ideas.

Well that makes X of us (for a value of X that includes Bieber, the members of his team, and me).
posted by chavenet at 2:05 PM on May 18, 2012


Judging from the picture, they failed.
posted by Slackermagee at 2:06 PM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


Man, that was a weird and depressing read. A heaping of mean-sprited snark sprinkled with a few moments of compassionate yet utterly bleak insight. Maybe that's how journalists write when they hate what they're doing.
posted by treepour at 2:06 PM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


Margery doesn't normally write celebrity pieces, he writes sarcastic sports pieces, and, most recently Hugo-nominated sci-fi.

He's one of the masters of the Gawker troll piece.
posted by drezdn at 2:12 PM on May 18, 2012


To be a real man, you need to leave this childish bullshit behind.

The only thing you need to be a real man is to not give a damn about whether you appear childish or not.
posted by straight at 2:12 PM on May 18, 2012 [3 favorites]


Just from reading this "make you a man" headline, I'm reminded of my mother.

I'm 19 years old, still living at home, sitting in the living room watching Full Metal Jacket on cable. I had seen it before, a classic film.

It's one of the scenes from training. Joker's VO is talking about Marines being dehumanized, turned into killing machines. The visuals are smartly dressed Marines, marching in formation. Private Pyle has passed boot camp, at the cost of his soul.

My mother walks by.

"Wow, the Army!" she said.
"These are Marines," I said.
"Yeah, they'd really turn you into a man," she said.

I jumped up.

"Turn me into a man? MOM. What the fuck do YOU know about being a man?"
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:18 PM on May 18, 2012 [6 favorites]


Also, didn't Maddox exhaust the entirely manly/manliness schtick in 2006?
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:18 PM on May 18, 2012


I wanted to kind of hate this and when I found out [spoiler] that he didn't box, I was all up on it until: "I have to watch my expression during the tracks where Bieber raps. His flow is slower than prostate cancer."
posted by Ogre Lawless at 2:20 PM on May 18, 2012


oh man, no thanks

thanks but no thank you
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 2:22 PM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think that's what the word "first" signifies, GenjiandProust.

I took that to be a "boys will be boys" sort of thing, another piece of pernicious framing that we do not need.

The only thing you need to be a real man is to not give a damn about whether you appear childish or not.

Um, no. That's usually the hallmark of a dick, not a man.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:31 PM on May 18, 2012


"Turn me into a man? MOM. What the fuck do YOU know about being a man?"

And this, dear readers, is how Cool Papa Bell found himself the next morning, waking groggy and confused, aboard a tramp steamer with his induction papers into the French Foreign Legion the only thing in his pockets...

Tune in next week for the next thrilling installment!
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:33 PM on May 18, 2012 [9 favorites]


Come on, swaggy bros!

I've been repeating this to myself out loud all day and it just sounds sillier and sillier each time.


It made me think of that line from Mad Foxes: "Sons of bitches, here I am!"
posted by Beardman at 2:36 PM on May 18, 2012


I'm really sick of the media and public talking about this kid and taking shots at his masculinity, calling him a lesbian, and generally mocking his style and person. I legit feel bad for all these young famous kids and the shit they put up with and the shit they put themselves through.

Let's be better than this, society.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 2:36 PM on May 18, 2012


The celeb is the celeb and the writer is the writer, and bringing them together was frankly a PR fail. Justin Bieber is squarely outside the GQ demographic. GQ readers don't want to fuck him, emulate him, admire him or be him. On top of that, he has more money than any of them will ever have. All they are going to do is hate him. GQ didn't put Bieber on their cover this month; they put Michael Fassbender on the cover because you know, Michael Fassbender is a GQ kind of man and Justin Bieber patently is not.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:38 PM on May 18, 2012 [3 favorites]


Justin Bieber was the first teen pop idol to make me feel old. Up until him, I could say, oh yeah, he's cute. With Bieber it was like, that child? With the silly haircut? What?

I agree with TPS here. I'm feeling older than ever, especially since today is my birthday, but what the hell, Bieber? I'm the same age as his mom.

(and pull your pants up kids, put your hats on straight and get the hell off my lawn!)

Oh, and on preview, I also agree with DarlingBri above. Bieber is just a rich kid. KID. It's like wanting to emulate Macualy Caulkin. (even if he is 30 or so now).
posted by bquarters at 3:13 PM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


It's almost midnight, and Bieber is going home now. But before he leaves, he pokes his head into the break room to yell, "GOOD NIGHT, BITCHES!" Melissa, the PR lady, winces. But she shouldn't. That, right there, is a proper 18-year-old, someone who probably knows how to draw an excellent dick on a grease board. To be a real man, you gotta be a real boy first.

GenjiandProust: Um, no. To be a real man, you need to leave this childish bullshit behind.

To be fair, in the micro view, Magary starts out saying "And when I was done with him, he would be Justin Beaver: teenybopper turned porn-star assassin." Porn stars and assassins, or even a combination of the two, does not encapsulate the essence of being a man. In the macro view, this is coming from GQ, who think you really need something to to transport a six pack of beer in stealth style, which doesn't look at all stealthy, and they have trouble deciding if half-naked adult ladies are "women" or "girls". This is alongside some decent news and political articles, so it's not a complete wash.

In short, this shit's for the swaggy bros.
posted by filthy light thief at 3:25 PM on May 18, 2012 [2 favorites]


Swaggy adult bros, I should say.
posted by filthy light thief at 3:25 PM on May 18, 2012


Justin Bieber was the first teen pop idol to make me feel old.

It's not that he makes me feel old. It's that he appears to be younger than similarly aged pop stars from my youth. And in a way, he is.

Justin Bieber is 18 now, and broke out in 2008 at age 14.

When he released Thriller, Michael Jackson was 24. If that's not a good comparison, than let's look at David Cassidy, who was 20 when he first appeared on The Partridge Family.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:29 PM on May 18, 2012


I don't expect someone from "Gentelmen's Quarterly" to have a very forward-thinking view of gender roles.

This kind of article, the writer is an asshole and you want him to get into absurd situations and suffer. And suffer he did. For what it was, it was all right. I don't know if it's a great launching point for one to flash one's "no, i know what manliness is" boner fides.
posted by fleacircus at 3:29 PM on May 18, 2012


Yup, writer is an ass. What is with the facepunching opening, followed by no facepunching? I feel ripped off!

Okay, so the Beeb acted like a hyperactive teenager. Why is that a surprise?
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:00 PM on May 18, 2012


It will be a sad day here if BitterOldPunk doesn't chime in on this one.

I'm going to hold out for BieberOldPunk instead.
posted by Forktine at 4:00 PM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm not crazy about Bieber's songs, but I love his animated show.
posted by martinrebas at 4:22 PM on May 18, 2012


heh 30 years later...
posted by marienbad at 4:58 PM on May 18, 2012


With Bieber it was like, that child? With the silly haircut? What?

Yeah, I can't see any appeal at all here. He seriously looks like a prepubescent child. It's not even his androgyny - Andrej Pejic is the God of Androgyny and still looks like an adult human being (ok, like a adult space alien from the planet Glorious Perfection). The Biebs just looks like some kind of... elongated toddler dolly, idek.
posted by elizardbits at 5:09 PM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


David Cassidy, who was 20 when he first appeared on The Partridge Family

George Harrison was 20 when the Beatles first appeared on Ed Sullivan.
posted by Fnarf at 6:22 PM on May 18, 2012


OH HOW TIMELY! BAGGING ON BIEBER!
The men of GQ can go fuck a sack of bricks.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 7:25 PM on May 18, 2012


That is some of the silliest celebrity journalism I've ever seen, which is saying quite a lot.

I have to say, the whole Justin Bieber "thing" is of course quite silly (that's the point). However, the kid is a really talented performer with a lot of stage charisma. I remember seeing him on SNL a few years ago, expecting to find him awful, and being pretty blown away by his performance. Contrast that with the time I saw Taylor Swift on that show and she couldn't even carry a tune.
posted by lunasol at 7:46 PM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


Also, re:his attractiveness: this is something I was talking about with friends recently - how the heart throbs that appeal to pre-teen girls tend to be pretty unappealing to everyone else. I mean, look at the New Kids on the Block!
posted by lunasol at 7:51 PM on May 18, 2012


heh 30 years later...
posted by marienbad


Somehow, I think he'll end up looking like Ryan Seacrest...
posted by calgirl at 8:15 PM on May 18, 2012


Man, rather than a handful of overbearing parents, Justin has like 15. Not sure money and fame could make up for that.
posted by mantecol at 8:31 PM on May 18, 2012


I find Drew Magary very good at what he does.
posted by arveale at 9:11 PM on May 18, 2012


I've heard Justing Bieber sing; I'd rather I hadn't. I wasn't into teeny-bopper idols when I was a teeny-bopper myself, so I'll give the music a pass, since it isn't intended for me (and never would have been).

I can tell you this much, though--he can shut the fuck up about how abortion is wrong, even in the case of rape, because "everything happens for a reason."
posted by tzikeh at 9:17 PM on May 18, 2012 [2 favorites]


Huh. I didn't read this as critical of Justin Bieber at all. It's affectionate: says he has talent, generally regards him fondly. What it's critical of is the nature of the media machine that surrounds him at all times, applauding his bad rap, scolding him for acting like he's 18, punishing him for every time he says something slightly off-color.

The fact that we live in a society where having an opinion about a newly 18-year-old kid who's already a veteran in his field is INSANE. The fact that we give a shit about what Justin Bieber says about abortion is CRAZY. And the fact that there's a media campaign trying to grow Bieber up in the public eye by continuing to monitor his every move and control his live is DEEPLY FUCKED UP.

Yeah, there's a bunch of digs against him from the writer. None of them were stingers. The tone is entirely teasing, the sort that's true but funny enough that you laugh at them. I'd bet money Justin Bieber thought this article was funny if he read it. Possibly he even felt like the writer was saying something about his life that maybe he doesn't hear as often as he should.

I felt like this was a wholly sympathetic write-up of Bieber. Any of you people who think being 18 should be about more than drawing dicks on things missed out on some incredible dick-drawing experiences, that's all I'm saying.
posted by Rory Marinich at 9:52 PM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm not familiar with Magary's work. The dickish tone is a response to the dickish treatment by Bieber's dickish handlers, no?
posted by Dr. Zira at 10:13 PM on May 18, 2012


"For me, it's just like, I like to be in control of myself. I mean, I've had a beer, like, before.... But I never get out of control."

Bieber is not an imbiber.

Boy, you'll never be a man until you've had one too many, fallen down, puked on yourself, and woken up the next morning someplace you've never seen before, with your pants on backward and your money gone. Because being a Man isn't about being in control of yourself. It's about reaching the far limits of control, beyond what you and your handlers can handle. Being a Man means learning how to deal with realities that aren't in your control.

This is both the first and last time I will try to give Justin Bieber life advice in a public forum, bro.
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:32 PM on May 18, 2012


My neighbour John is an electrical engineer, does software development stuff for a military contractor. Nice guy. A little over-precise and formal as engineers often are, but still.

Last name's Bieber. J Bieber in the phone book.

We live in Calgary, which though most of a continent from Justin Bieber's hometown is nevertheless in Canada.

They get calls from time to time. Foreign accents, odd hours. Looking for that J Bieber, of course.

Fame's a weird enormous staggeringly multivalent thing nowadays.
posted by gompa at 10:32 PM on May 18, 2012


When will his voice change?
posted by discopolo at 12:08 PM on May 19, 2012


My kid: "You're meeting Justin Beaver?"

Damn straight I was. And when I was done with him, he would be Justin Beaver: teenybopper turned porn-star assassin.

I tried to make a snarky comment but, really, there;s no need.,
posted by mippy at 6:22 AM on May 21, 2012


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