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Drunken Kiss From A Rose To A Cat
July 5, 2012 12:10 PM   Subscribe

"I'll break down to you exactly what happened, a play-by-play account. I came home, unbelievably intoxicated, I mean beyond drunk. I couldn't even, let's say, upload a video to Youtube. Then I walked upstairs and spotted in the hallway a video camera atop a tripod, pointed toward the floor. I had no choice. The only viable move was for me to start singing Kiss From a Rose to my cat, who I am very clearly abusing physically."
posted by yellowbinder (52 comments total) 14 users marked this as a favorite

 
Totally fake, but nice vocal performance.
posted by FelliniBlank at 12:20 PM on July 5, 2012


Meh?
posted by DWRoelands at 12:23 PM on July 5, 2012


There's no there there. You may think that there is, but there really isn't any.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:23 PM on July 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


I hope that whomever calls that 'clearly abusing' one's cat isn't on the judgment board if I ever get called up before it.

Using a cat as a microphone/dancing partner is what we call around my place either 'yesterday'

(Except I was singing 'Crocodile Rock' and my excuse for picking her up was to move her from the non-air-conditioned part of the house. On the other hand, I was totally sober.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:24 PM on July 5, 2012 [13 favorites]


Then I walked upstairs and spotted in the hallway a video camera atop a tripod, pointed toward the floor.

I hate when this happens!
posted by odinsdream at 12:25 PM on July 5, 2012 [8 favorites]


Things that have resulted in my cat deciding he is Just Not Having It:

• Talking like Billy Bob Thornton in "Sling Blade"
• Jazz hands
• Frankenstein walk
• The Hand Jive, accompanied by "Born to Hand Jive" from Grease
• The Hand Jive, accompanied by anything at all
• The Hand Jive, unaccompanied
• Sweeping up
• Mah Nà Mah Nà
• Correctly, loudly and repeatedly identifying the cat as a cat
• Incorrectly, loudly and repeatedly identifying the cat as anything other than a cat
• Anything I do after 11 p.m.
• Anything I do while naked
posted by Shepherd at 12:25 PM on July 5, 2012 [129 favorites]


No good? I'm not saying they're all good. Cracked me up though!
posted by yellowbinder at 12:26 PM on July 5, 2012


Yeah, if he's actually as drunk as he claims, he must be great at karaoke to be able to do that while lying on his stomach.
posted by SpiffyRob at 12:27 PM on July 5, 2012


And man, I love YouTube comments:

Why didn't you eat the cat at the end? I came here expecting you to eat the cat at the end and when you didn't I was very surprised. Please make another video in which you eat the cat. Thanks.
posted by SpiffyRob at 12:28 PM on July 5, 2012 [29 favorites]


I'm willing to make a lot of assumptions about the life and capabilities of someone who knows the lyrics to that song.
posted by cmoj at 12:28 PM on July 5, 2012


Shepherd, you have incorrectly identified the gender of the cat Not Having It.

And she will be waiting for you when you get home.
posted by Kitteh at 12:31 PM on July 5, 2012


Based on the cat's posture I'm willing to bet this happens far too frequently.
posted by The Whelk at 12:33 PM on July 5, 2012


The mind was willing, but the flesh would not comply with the desire to view this video in its entirety.
posted by wierdo at 12:34 PM on July 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


I'm willing to make a lot of assumptions about the life and capabilities of someone who knows the lyrics to that song.

It's become trendy in a campy way thanks to certain episode of Community.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DTtMA5xbYs
posted by melissam at 12:35 PM on July 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


What the hell is this? I was like this better be Seal, but that's not Seal.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:38 PM on July 5, 2012


from the cat's perspective
posted by The Whelk at 12:41 PM on July 5, 2012 [6 favorites]


I don't believe he was drunk. I don't believe the recording was done by chance. And I don't believe that was a real cat.
posted by mazola at 12:42 PM on July 5, 2012 [4 favorites]


oh man, i don't care about any of the naysaying. that was straight up, side hurting-ly, hilarious. the whole time i know the BA-ABY must be coming, and then there it is in all its glory.
posted by nadawi at 12:44 PM on July 5, 2012 [4 favorites]


this is supposed to be embarrassing? man, i do this almost every night while NOT drunk, mostly to 'desperado' or sometimes queen or beyonce songs. my cats have learned to just not give a shit anymore because ain't nothin' gonna stop me now.

also i make them dance with me.
and sometimes i make them wear the mini bowler hats i get from bottles of brokers gin.
posted by kerning at 12:46 PM on July 5, 2012 [21 favorites]


keming: and sometimes i make them wear the mini bowler hats i get from bottles of brokers gin.

What? You send me one of those hats right now!
posted by komara at 12:50 PM on July 5, 2012 [13 favorites]


For what it's worth, I think the implausible-on-the-face-of-it explanation of this chance encounter with a video camera, in response to a now-deleted Youtube comment, was probably not intended deceptively to be read as a claim to literal truth in need of debunking.
posted by cortex at 12:51 PM on July 5, 2012 [4 favorites]


keming: and sometimes i make them wear the mini bowler hats i get from bottles of brokers gin.

Those hats are the sole property of Donkey Tiberius Donkey, stuffed animal lawyer.
posted by The Whelk at 12:52 PM on July 5, 2012 [7 favorites]


Every time--every time--I come home drunk I sit on the floor with the cats and sing to them. My wife has said to me, more than once, "I didn't think you were drunk, but then you were on the floor with the cats."

It's not unusual to be hugged by any drunk. It's not unusual to be sung to by a drunk.
posted by uncleozzy at 1:00 PM on July 5, 2012 [26 favorites]


Shepherd, I wish to subscribe to your cat-torturing newsletter.
posted by psoas at 1:04 PM on July 5, 2012


"It's not unusual to be hugged by any drunk. It's not unusual to be sung to by a drunk."

It's not unusual to be loved by anyone
It's not unusual to have fun with anyone

FTFY
posted by HuronBob at 1:12 PM on July 5, 2012 [6 favorites]


komara: i would send you a bowler hat but unfortunately my two cats need them to gain access to the gentlecat club. bow ties also required.

(ALSO, keming? I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE. CLEVER.)
posted by kerning at 1:19 PM on July 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


It's not unusual to be hugged by any drunk.
It's not unusual to be sung to by a drunk.
But when I see the video posted on YouTube
It's not unusual to see me snark,
Like this was Fark.

It's not unusual, to rag on anyone
It's not unusual, to flag just anyone
but if I ever find you've posted something great
it's not unusual to find out that I've fav'rited you
whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh...
posted by mazola at 1:52 PM on July 5, 2012 [9 favorites]


Singing to the cat isn't physical abuse. Now, if he were to dress it in a little tuxedo and give it a tiny violin, sure.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 1:53 PM on July 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


Physical abuselarious.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 1:56 PM on July 5, 2012


All that singing can make you hungry. Have a cheeseburger.
posted by Splunge at 1:57 PM on July 5, 2012


It would've been funnier if the cat had scratched the living shit out of the dude.
posted by blucevalo at 2:05 PM on July 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


It would've been funnier if the cat had scratched the living shit out of the dude.

Only if the dude kept on singling perfectly throughout the clawing.
posted by stifford at 3:09 PM on July 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


I used to genuinely and unironically like this song.
"Shameless" cured me of that. Now, I just laugh.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:09 PM on July 5, 2012


I'm willing to make a lot of assumptions about the life and capabilities of someone who knows the lyrics to that song.

I know the lyrics to that song, which is probably why I can never remember my mobile phone number.
posted by mippy at 3:18 PM on July 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


If that's cat abuse, then clearly my making my guinea pig dance along to Stars and Stripes Forever last night was absolute torture. (The guinea pig was Not Pleased. But there are few things in the world cuter than a disgruntled guinea pig, so...)
posted by sarcasticah at 3:21 PM on July 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


> FTFY
posted by HuronBob at 4:12 PM on July 5


Maybe I'm just drunk, but I don't see any fixing going on here.
posted by desuetude at 4:55 PM on July 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm willing to make a lot of assumptions about the life and capabilities of someone who knows the lyrics to that song.

What would they be? I know all the words to the song solely because in December of 1996, at my husband's company Christmas party, we danced for the first time to that song. We had been dating since July of that year.

Even as odd and cheesy of a song as it is, it will always be a favorite because of how incredibly sweet of a moment it was. We've been together 16 years this month and still listen to that song a couple times a year, and while I can't dance anymore, we chair dance to it.
posted by SuzySmith at 5:26 PM on July 5, 2012 [5 favorites]


Maybe I'm just drunk, but I don't see any fixing going on here.

posted by desuetude at 4:55 PM on July 5 [+] [!]

His store didn't have any Mojo Nixon, you see.
posted by mykescipark at 5:29 PM on July 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


I can't hear this song without thinking of that one episode of Community.
posted by palomar at 5:30 PM on July 5, 2012


The really amazing thing? The video was a hoax. The cat is a ventriloquist and was singing the whole time!
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:17 PM on July 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


Companion animals are frequently bored, and they do love a little bit of teasing. And he actually can sing this swell Seal song decently, which is something... (needs more harpsichord)...
posted by ovvl at 6:18 PM on July 5, 2012


Cats know the deal. They are the audience to all the silly bullshit that we'd be too mortified to do in front of another human but for which we still nevertheless require an audience. In return they get food. They may not always like it, but they know the deal.
posted by Rhomboid at 6:47 PM on July 5, 2012 [7 favorites]


We went to a shopping mall
And laughed at all the shoppers
And security guards trailed us
To a record shop
We asked for Mojo Nixon
They said "He don't work here"
We said "If you don't got Mojo Nixon
Then your store could use some Dixon"

My poor cat Yao Ming gets serenaded all the time to that.
posted by slothhog at 8:38 PM on July 5, 2012


My dog likes it when I sing to her. There is wagging and bouncing and climbing and the sort of licking that is like being repeatedly slapped by a warm wet pork chop.

Though, her response to particularly loud flatulence is a joyous "OMG DO THAT AGAIN!" so she may not, perhaps, be a good judge of these things.
posted by cmyk at 9:04 PM on July 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


I, sober, just sang 'Kiss From a Rose' to my roommate's cats.

Mall Cop ignored me.

Stoner, OTOH, went into Full Alert Oh Shit DEFCON 5 mode - eyes dilated, he suddenly came over and gave me vigorous rubs and pets, in order to soothe me and make the pain go away. He's now perched at the side of my chair, ever alert, ready and willing to guard me from more wailing in the name of God and Country.
posted by spinifex23 at 10:54 PM on July 5, 2012 [7 favorites]


this is supposed to be embarrassing?

Rubbing yourself off against the floor while you sing love songs to your cat is definitely embarrasing in my book.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 2:01 AM on July 6, 2012


You have a cat named Mall Cop spinifex23? You're my new favorite person.
posted by sweetkid at 6:50 AM on July 6, 2012 [2 favorites]


I do! At least, that's my name for him. Aka 'Max', he sort of acts like a mall cop. So, I call him Mall Cop. The roommate doesn't mind, and the cat loves it.
posted by spinifex23 at 9:10 AM on July 6, 2012 [1 favorite]


Ijust love it. I almost named my cat Doctor, because when I first got him he would roam around the apartment looking at everything very, very closely. No scaredy cat hiding for him, he needed to analyze and investigate the situation. Sit in every window. Examine the baseboards. Come and look at me in the eye thiscloseohsoclose. Then back to windows and baseboards.
posted by sweetkid at 9:16 AM on July 6, 2012 [1 favorite]


oh man that produced some seriously ugly, snort-ridden laughing from this girl right here
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 12:03 AM on July 7, 2012 [1 favorite]


I once saw one of my old roommates wake up my sleeping cat by thrusting his face within five inches of my cat's face and start serenading him with a filk version of "The Dreidel Song" while also shaking his (sizeable) ass. My cat just sort of woke up and blinked at him, baffled and wide-eyed, watched him go to his room, and then -- shook himself and went back to sleep. That was the first roommate who met Zach, and kind of sufficiently broke him for anything weird.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:14 AM on July 10, 2012


I, however, was rather traumatized, as I was sitting closest to my roommate's ass.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:15 AM on July 10, 2012


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