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Fantasyland delenda est
July 18, 2012 11:51 AM   Subscribe

Optimal siege tactics for taking Cinderella Castle (via)
posted by prize bull octorok (55 comments total) 30 users marked this as a favorite

 
This is precisely what has been on my mind every single time I have been to Disney World.
posted by elizardbits at 11:54 AM on July 18, 2012 [9 favorites]


Great fun!
posted by ReeMonster at 11:57 AM on July 18, 2012


Since the castle is presumably being held by Disney World employees, I question whether they'd be loyal enough to their commanders to put up stiff resistance.
posted by Egg Shen at 11:58 AM on July 18, 2012 [3 favorites]


I wonder if playing "It's a small world" on loudspeakers to break the siege would be effective...

On second thought, probably not.
posted by RolandOfEld at 12:00 PM on July 18, 2012


The infantry would get bogged down in the gift shops and wasted so badly it would make Omaha Beach look like a day at, well, Disney World.
posted by bondcliff at 12:01 PM on July 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


Disney World employees,

They're called cast members.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:04 PM on July 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


They're called cast members.

"Show" ain't what it used to be....
posted by mikelieman at 12:06 PM on July 18, 2012


Aye but can ye keep it!
posted by 2bucksplus at 12:06 PM on July 18, 2012 [2 favorites]


The Tomorrowland company's objective is to secure the square and and buildings, as well as any advanced technologies it may hold.
posted by notyou at 12:09 PM on July 18, 2012 [8 favorites]


Wouldn't it be easier to use your iPad to upload a trojan to the castle?
posted by Foci for Analysis at 12:09 PM on July 18, 2012


They're called cast members.

The Kingdom has many practices foreign to outsiders.
posted by Egg Shen at 12:10 PM on July 18, 2012 [6 favorites]


The top rated plan on there leaves itself wide open to harassment and flanking assaults from the utility corridors. Setting up overlapping fields of fire on the bridges isn't going to do any good if a small army of bloodthirsty mascots can pour out of a barely visible door hidden behind some bushes and strangle every man jack of you with their misshapen white-gloved hands.
posted by figurant at 12:10 PM on July 18, 2012 [12 favorites]


They did not take into account all the Secret Service protection around the Hall of Presidents.
posted by ColdChef at 12:10 PM on July 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


Or robot Abe Lincoln
posted by 2bucksplus at 12:12 PM on July 18, 2012 [15 favorites]


Consideration must be taken to ensure we are not spotted by the monorail.

Meanwhile, in Disneyland, the monorail sees all.
posted by book 'em dano at 12:13 PM on July 18, 2012


If Cinderella's castle is anything like Sleeping Beauty's at Disneyland in Anaheim a "siege" would be ridiculously easy and bloodless after the initial storming of the kingdom and setting up a perimeter. Hopefully for their sake, the castle's defenders have the sense to torch the surrounding lands before retreating into their stronghold, thus depriving the invaders of chili-in-a-bread-bowl and hot dogs for the sustenance of their sieging armies, but once they're locked up in the castle, there's no provision for food or water (not counting the odd drinking fountain, and even that could be disabled by the invaders at the water main) within the stronghold. The siege itself would only last maybe a week until the defenders surrendered due to lack of supplies, and then the invaders could take the whole castle undamaged, enthrall the defenders as their slaves, and hear the lamentations of their women, etc.
posted by LionIndex at 12:16 PM on July 18, 2012 [5 favorites]


Many a plan has failed from forgetting robot Abe Lincoln.
posted by BeeDo at 12:17 PM on July 18, 2012 [2 favorites]


They also didn't take into account the fact that animated characters can just drop pianos on infantry emplacements, and all that would be left would be some fatigue covered arms and legs comically splayed beneath the broken keys.
posted by thanotopsis at 12:17 PM on July 18, 2012 [2 favorites]


Isn't the whole thing already riddled with underground tunnels? Then who needs sappers?!
posted by wenestvedt at 12:19 PM on July 18, 2012


Isn't this basically the plot of one of Tom Clancy's novels?
posted by jacquilynne at 12:20 PM on July 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


Be careful. The moat has been filled with wildfire.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:21 PM on July 18, 2012 [3 favorites]


Now for extra credit, how could Universal Studio's Wizarding World lay siege to the Castle? Remember to show your work.
posted by The Whelk at 1:01 PM on July 18, 2012


First you build an enormous, hollowed-out wooden overweight American tourist...
posted by PlusDistance at 1:11 PM on July 18, 2012 [11 favorites]


How about we abolish male-only primogeniture in return for cooperation from all Disney princesses, contingent upon their agreement not to invade any other theme parks?

Though seriously, Six Flags could use a takeover.
posted by emjaybee at 1:12 PM on July 18, 2012


Consider also using biological warfare such as flinging diseased animals into the castle.

See what that guy did right there?

Also, napalm airstrikes.
posted by R. Schlock at 1:14 PM on July 18, 2012


Nuke it from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 1:21 PM on July 18, 2012 [2 favorites]


Be careful. Large rodents (even those with tiny red shorts) may be carrying the plague.
posted by ColdChef at 1:22 PM on July 18, 2012


Never mind the castle. The real value targets at Disneyland are holed up in Club 33.
posted by delfin at 1:23 PM on July 18, 2012 [2 favorites]


"I chose to ignore the stipulation of a pre-gunpowder based strategy because the fortifications defending the Magic Kingdom and housing its troops was built with modern technology and therefore should be also considered a target for modern warfare."

That's kind of a bullshit caveat, honestly. Allowing gunpowder negates the whole need for a siege of the castle.
posted by absalom at 1:48 PM on July 18, 2012


It's a good plan, but I'm going to have to take off 10 style points for not getting SEALs into that moat.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:49 PM on July 18, 2012


This is definitely neat. But also one of those things I can't believe the Internet didn't get around to decades ago.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:53 PM on July 18, 2012


When faced with such overwhelming odds, one could always take a page from Aragorn's strategy in the War of the Ring, and recruit the dead to your cause. Of course, he carried the blade reforged from Narsil to convince the Dead Men of Dunharrow that they remained bound to their ancient oath. To gain the same kind of fealty from the 999 Grim Grinning Ghosts of the Gracey Manor, one would have to pry The Bride's Ring from the grounds outside, and use it to similar effect.
posted by radwolf76 at 1:53 PM on July 18, 2012 [3 favorites]


I figure the attacking force would launch their assault at night after the park closes, when there are no long lines to queue through, and no traffic stalling their approach to Tomorrowland.

Plus Disney would have used up their supply of powder during the fireworks show. And most of the cast members would have gone home, leaving behind a paltry skeleton crew of cleaners and construction artists.
posted by CancerMan at 1:58 PM on July 18, 2012


They didn't take into account the fact that they're in ancient Rome.
posted by cmoj at 2:01 PM on July 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


CancerMan: "I figure the attacking force would launch their assault at night after the park closes"

That's no good at all. Nighttime's when the squadrons of feral death cats roam free.
posted by radwolf76 at 2:04 PM on July 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


I have a source who can supply us with all of the wagons, horses, support troops and clothing we might need. The only catch is that we have to finish the siege by midnight.
posted by Tsuga at 2:10 PM on July 18, 2012 [4 favorites]


The Tomorrowland company's objective is to secure the square and and buildings, as well as any advanced technologies it may hold. Marines and soldiers are advised to not use the teleporters. They're a trap. They will only kill your unit and replace him with an evil alien.

Man, they really thought this through.
posted by lazaruslong at 2:15 PM on July 18, 2012


While in Fantasyland we will have the opportunity to take down the menace of all parents everywhere. The "It's a Small World" ride will be within our reach. Our secondary objective is to eliminate the ride with extreme prejudice. This isn't a capture mission like the castle, but one of complete annihilation. Expect heavy casualties as their adorable repetitiveness burns into your skulls like white phosphorous in the jungle. Our sacrifices will be great, but our suffering is in the name of protecting others.

Okay sorry now this is the best thing ever.
posted by lazaruslong at 2:16 PM on July 18, 2012


From the Feral Death Cats link:
"Other nighttime visitors are not so welcome. Before maintenance crews take over, security workers sweep through the park to find guests hoping to spend the night. (Don't even try hiding on Tom Sawyer's Island — park security knows all the hiding places.)"

Challenge accepted!
posted by ColdChef at 2:18 PM on July 18, 2012


radwolf76: "Of course, he carried the blade reforged from Narsil "

At which point, it's Andúril.
posted by Chrysostom at 2:42 PM on July 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


Everyone in this thread should read Fables, because Cinderella is much more than she seems.
posted by Grimp0teuthis at 2:45 PM on July 18, 2012


There could be a nice little bloodless coup, by way of legislature. Change the terms of copyright, either 1) extend the limits to infinity, and require anyone who wishes to reuse a copyrighted idea to get approval from the holder of said copyright, with the classification of "orphan works" not allowed; or 2) remove all copyrights, or limit them to a handful of years (lets say, 10). The first would turn the castle into an illegal structure, forcing Cinderella to give up her crown and title, while the second would allow anyone to create competing Cinderellas, diluting the claim on the title to the point that Disney's castle would be full of magical princesses and queens.

Actually, as Cinderella is such an old story, copyright doesn't matter at all, so a flood of Cinderellas could already approach the castle, claiming to be the rightful heirs to the grounds.
posted by filthy light thief at 2:56 PM on July 18, 2012


Everyone in this thread should read Fables

YES. It's *so* well done.
posted by mrbill at 2:58 PM on July 18, 2012


at which point, it's Anduril

...which I highly recommend for allergy season.
posted by horsewithnoname at 3:38 PM on July 18, 2012 [2 favorites]


May cause permanent drowsiness.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:17 PM on July 18, 2012


The Medieval Secret To Besieging Castles That THEY Don’t Want You To Know: As it so happens, the Breviary of Renaud de Bar* provides the answer:
posted by the man of twists and turns at 4:43 PM on July 18, 2012


Other problems in the too rated plan include:
-A failure to deal with possible amphibious attacks from speedboats at Grand Floridian and the Polynesian Resort. There is also a lack of security at the ferry terminal.
-The new Brave exhibit behind the Castle includes archers and bears.
-Failure to account for large numbers of panicked civilians. Nor is there anything in the plan to limit casualties.

In conclusion one does not just walk into Fantasy land with a couple of brigades. It is suicide.
posted by humanfont at 5:00 PM on July 18, 2012


humanfont: "one does not just walk into Fantasy land"

There is evil there that does not sleep, and the Great Mouse is ever watchful.
posted by radwolf76 at 5:21 PM on July 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


I would think you'd want an army of musketeers.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:28 PM on July 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


humanfont: "In conclusion one does not just walk into Fantasy land with a couple of brigades."

Yes you do. You totally do.
posted by Chrysostom at 5:32 PM on July 18, 2012


Hilarious. Also considering that Schloss Neuschwanstein was the model for the castle or palace built by the Mad King Ludwig II of Bavaria (who was called mad because he would rather build palaces than wage warfare or something). Ludwig installed cute castle-like features in his folly, but not with the proper laser-guided copyright defensive modules carefully hidden in the later Disney systems.
posted by ovvl at 7:34 PM on July 18, 2012


Smart move setting up through Tomorrowland instead of the left-hand side, but what's the plan for holding the castle once taken? Because if the Haunted Mansion, Pirates, and the Country Bears all come out for the regime, it's going to get pretty heavy on that side.

Plus, air strikes from the Tiki Room.
posted by ctmf at 8:35 PM on July 18, 2012


A rolling bombardment of nukes every 15 minutes for 2-3 weeks. Then send in the ground troops.
posted by blue_beetle at 10:14 PM on July 18, 2012


Fight fire with fire. A swag of magic potion from Parc Astérix and the castle is as good as ours.
posted by ersatz at 6:09 AM on July 19, 2012


If Cinderella's castle is anything like Sleeping Beauty's at Disneyland in Anaheim a "siege" would be ridiculously easy and bloodless after the initial storming of the kingdom and setting up a perimeter.

Don't mess with Anaheim.
posted by homunculus at 8:44 PM on July 23, 2012


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