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Fifty Shades Generator. Text NSFW
August 19, 2012 1:52 PM   Subscribe

"The Fifty Shades Generator is a breakthrough in erotic fiction. At the click of a button, it generates world-class literature based on a pre-defined vocabulary." Text is NSFW. or L.
posted by the young rope-rider (91 comments total) 33 users marked this as a favorite

 
You are a bad person who does bad things and should feel bad for your badness.
posted by elizardbits at 1:54 PM on August 19, 2012 [23 favorites]


Inner goddess.
posted by Artw at 1:54 PM on August 19, 2012


The plowing makes me gush my shrimp sap all over his chorizo howitzer.

brb sobbing
posted by elizardbits at 1:54 PM on August 19, 2012 [15 favorites]


I read one and now I never want to have sex ever again.
posted by The Whelk at 1:54 PM on August 19, 2012 [18 favorites]


coldshower.txt
posted by hellojed at 1:55 PM on August 19, 2012


"my vertical smile now much like a bucket of smashed crabs."
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 1:56 PM on August 19, 2012 [5 favorites]


Oh God the terms are even ruining food now.

People, go, leave, there is no honor here. This is not a place of honor. This place holds a danger. The danger is to the body and mind. We built this to warn you. Go away and never return.
posted by The Whelk at 1:56 PM on August 19, 2012 [44 favorites]


I wanna hear Alan Rickman do a dramatic reading of a selection of these.
posted by elizardbits at 1:56 PM on August 19, 2012 [13 favorites]


The seemingly never-ending streams of cock custard emanating from his blind butler soon had me coated like a plasterer's radio.

I call bullshit; surely this phrase was already written by Irvine Welsh.
posted by elizardbits at 2:00 PM on August 19, 2012 [10 favorites]


I wanna hear Alan Rickman do a dramatic reading of a selection of these.

I vote Gilbert Gottfried.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 2:04 PM on August 19, 2012 [5 favorites]


i've already chewed my hands off could someone please claw my eyes out? kthxbi
posted by Ritchie at 2:04 PM on August 19, 2012 [5 favorites]


Now, I've seen more helmets than Hitler, but the sight of his love muscle made my shrimp sap slobber like a broken fridge freezer.
posted by the young rope-rider at 2:06 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


I wish there was a way that I could UNSEE this and I wish it never happened.
posted by Seekerofsplendor at 2:07 PM on August 19, 2012


So this is what brain melting lovecraftian horror feels like, now when people ask, I can tell them.
posted by The Whelk at 2:07 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


Three lobed burning eye!
posted by Artw at 2:09 PM on August 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


i've already chewed my hands off could someone please claw my eyes out? kthxbi

You've gotta warn me before you write something that funny, I almost ruined my laptop by hosing it down with seltzer.
posted by nevercalm at 2:09 PM on August 19, 2012


No.

THIS is brainmelting Lovecraftian horror...

"By now, my herring hole was weeping like there was a midget inside me with a super soaker."

GahholsjacnhP""""fgvWWFOVN POIWwaaaaaaawHFEwackanoonoo
posted by Samizdata at 2:10 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


The unrelenting orgasms from his stilton sword plowing my meat purse made me come so hard, I began sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish shop. The feeling of his baby gravy dripping down my throat got my sex wee flowing quicker than greased shit off a shiny shovel.
posted by MartinWisse at 2:11 PM on August 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


The twitter feed that inspired it is pretty bad too.
posted by nevercalm at 2:12 PM on August 19, 2012


I'm making a face and I'm terrified it will get stuck that way.
posted by The Whelk at 2:16 PM on August 19, 2012 [4 favorites]


"After having my municipal cockwash plowed, he then proceeded to thrust my cocoa channel. By now, my crusty fuck trench was seeping like a hungry pig at a trough. "
posted by T.D. Strange at 2:18 PM on August 19, 2012


I can remove it from recent activity, but can I remove it from existence in all points of space time?
posted by The Whelk at 2:19 PM on August 19, 2012


Just keep making one liners and I'm sure you'll get over it.
posted by zephyr_words at 2:24 PM on August 19, 2012 [3 favorites]


Ok, nearly every one I generate is using "faster than a greased weasel shit". Is this some new fetish I don't know about? Also,

"Is now the time to tell him I really need to pitch a footlong fudge bullet, I wondered?"

No. That time is never.
posted by mrgoat at 2:25 PM on August 19, 2012 [4 favorites]


...I was wetter than an Italian cruise ship. We were ready for more.

So. Much. Awesome.
posted by anigbrowl at 2:27 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


Hours of slamming like this would leave any girl's flappy meal looking like an over inflated dinghy, and I was no different!
posted by Forktine at 2:28 PM on August 19, 2012


By now, my smush mitten was salivating like Augustus Gloop at Willy Wonka's chocolate river.

WILLY WONKA'S CHOCOLATE RIVER! And that's not even supposed to be a metaphor!
posted by crossoverman at 2:38 PM on August 19, 2012 [3 favorites]


The unrelenting orgasms from his bald avenger thrusting my enchilada of love made me come so hard, I began sweating like a midget nun at a penguin shoot.
posted by jonnyploy at 2:44 PM on August 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


...the sensation of his chorizo howitzer smashing my cervix made me quiver like Micheal J. Fox licking a car battery.

Is the book this good?
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 2:50 PM on August 19, 2012 [13 favorites]


I was posting quotes from this all over Facebook the other day. This is the best one I got it to come up with:

"The hammering of my brown eye was so vigorous, he soon found his family jewels joining his spunk-filled spam rocket deep in my vintage golf bag."
posted by DecemberBoy at 2:50 PM on August 19, 2012


Fifty Shades Of Grey – Pedophilia Hiding In Plain Sight
I know it for what it truly is – a story of the sexual abuse of child, wrapped in the cliché cover story of a mysterious and troubled wealthy man. The main character is described in pigtails, given words like “Holy Cow” “down there”, “jeez” “double crap” she can’t operate a computer (but is supposedly a college graduate), describes skipping and doing cartwheels, repeatedly says she is made to feel like a child, has her imaginary friend (inner goddess) feels shame, is spanked and slathered in BABY OIL, told what to say, what to eat, what to do, until finally and sadly so predictably, is physically beaten. (But she returns to him soon after, which is again, a very common theme of abuse, including pedophilia)
posted by 445supermag at 2:55 PM on August 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


the delicious rectoplasm

I just...ah...$(%(WUREWJ(%$$ :brain melted:
posted by smirkette at 3:03 PM on August 19, 2012


With my furburger now much like a shot cat, he thought it was time to start sliding my marmite motorway. Is now the time to tell him I really need to pitch a butt nugget, I wondered? There was love mayonnaise salivating from his chubstep and I was wetter than an English summer.

How did they even come up with these terms? "Marmite motorway" and "chubstep" are so awful and yet so great.
posted by spitefulcrow at 3:05 PM on August 19, 2012 [3 favorites]


spitefulcrow, I'm sure it involved an all-night brainstorming session, a whiteboard, a Sam's Club sized bag of Doritos, and at least four ounces of marijuana.
posted by localroger at 3:07 PM on August 19, 2012 [5 favorites]


I used to like chorizo.
posted by angrycat at 3:07 PM on August 19, 2012 [4 favorites]


I just want y'all to know I saw this previously and made the highly ethical and moral decision to spare you all from a FPP. Way to go hasten the 50shadesofgray-pocalypse, the young rope-rider.
posted by juv3nal at 3:07 PM on August 19, 2012 [3 favorites]


The pounding makes me pour my pussy batter all over his blood-engorged mayonnaise cannon.

I may never eat mayonnaise ever again *shudder*
posted by bluesapphires at 3:07 PM on August 19, 2012


ah, a lulzsink thread. With this to serve as a distraction, I can now post about the things I am emotionally invested in without people getting all clowntown on me.
posted by boo_radley at 3:09 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


Way to go hasten the 50shadesofgray-pocalypse, the young rope-rider.

If it makes you feel better, I get all my grossest FPPs/memes/phrases from my mom board. Also, you're welcome!
posted by the young rope-rider at 3:11 PM on August 19, 2012


Oh man, I've been hoping there would be another 50 Shades of Grey-related post here, so I could report the following:

The handwringing in the previous posts successfully made me, an extremely contrary person, read the first book. Here is my report:

It is not very good. It is not as terrible as people claim, just kind of dopey. The sex is not actually very dirty or BDSM-y. In the very beginning, I was like "Oh, okay! I get it. This book is going to be about how this dude is totally distant and cold and controlling in a way that is hot." and then that's totally not what happens. Basically they just have a lot of sex that is only mildly transgressive, and he buys her expensive gifts, and also he hires an OB-GYN to come over and examine her and hook her up with birth control.

This was the part I found most amazing. How would you even go about hiring an OB-GYN to come over on a weekend and give your would-be sex slave a well-woman exam? How do you have that conversation? Does your butler do it for you? HOW DOES YOUR BUTLER KNOW WHO TO CALL?

These are important questions that are never resolved. Also, the male character is not actually distant and controlling. Which was pretty disappointing. But otherwise, the sex is neither especially dirty nor especially shocking and not even especially poorly written (I've been reading some Larry Niven, you guys. You think this is bad, you need to check out some 70s sci-fi where people are always "impaling" and "straddling" and basically shouting FREE LOVE! during the unsexy sex), and I honestly feel that people are getting really excited about this book in ways that are totally unnecessary.

I have read a lot of shouty takedown articles about it where people claim that it something something rape or whatever, and look, I think anyone who hangs out on metafilter can agree that I have an (over-) sensitive nose for creepy sex crap, but I mostly just felt like this book was kind of a snoozer.

Anyway. This generator is pretty funny, but if you actually wanted to randomly generate 50 Shades of Grey-type erotica, it would have to be more like

"The silver tie was loosened at his throat. I felt a fluttering "down there" as I remembered the last time I had seen that tie, when he bound my wrists together and lavished love on me while flying his helicopter to Vancouver. He cocked his head to the side and said "Have you eaten recently?"

I said "Yes, sir." because I had eaten a blueberry scone from Starbucks only half an hour previously.

posted by thehmsbeagle at 3:11 PM on August 19, 2012 [29 favorites]


elizardbits: "brb sobbing"

"The mixture of butt nugget and man fat in my ring piece created the delicious rectoplasm that he was so fond of."

rectoplasm
posted by boo_radley at 3:18 PM on August 19, 2012


This is like Henry Miller/Fifty Shades of Grey slash fiction.
posted by TwelveTwo at 3:21 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


OXO ORIFICE

THE SLAMMING OF MY OXO ORIFICE

OXO ORIFICE
posted by emmtee at 3:28 PM on August 19, 2012


After this, "up to his nuts in lady guts" seems restrained and dignified.
posted by SPrintF at 3:34 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


nevercalm: "i've already chewed my hands off could someone please claw my eyes out? kthxbi

You've gotta warn me before you write something that funny, I almost ruined my laptop by hosing it down with seltzer.
"

But from where? I mean, seltzer is a euphemism right?
posted by Splunge at 3:38 PM on August 19, 2012


What is this I don't even ... oh, my poor brain.
posted by Lulu's Pink Converse at 3:42 PM on August 19, 2012


First sentence I got contained the term "glistening fart valve" and therefore this is now the greatest thing on the internet.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 3:43 PM on August 19, 2012 [5 favorites]


the sensation of his Vince Cable smashing my cervix made me quake like a shitting dog.

Vince Cable is the UK government Business Secretary.
posted by cromagnon at 3:52 PM on August 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


Does MetaFilter have quarantine protocols for this sort of thing? I think I may already be infected...
posted by Cash4Lead at 4:02 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


You've gotta warn me before you write something that funny, I almost ruined my laptop by hosing it down with seltzer."

But from where? I mean, seltzer is a euphemism right?


I'm only answering to gush over one of my favorite things.....my Sodastream.

Whoops, I see what I did there.
posted by nevercalm at 4:02 PM on August 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


The unrelenting orgasms from his muffbuster plowing my stench trench made me come so hard, I began sweating like a white mouse in a tampon factory.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRGHHHHHG!
posted by brundlefly at 4:03 PM on August 19, 2012


NEEDS MOAR JEEZ
posted by chavenet at 4:04 PM on August 19, 2012


HOW DOES YOUR BUTLER KNOW WHO TO CALL?

Why wouldn't they? Butlers are the kind of people who get things done. They learn all teh basics in bultering school, and they just keep adding to their knowledge as time goes on. A well seasoned bulter is a treasure, my friend.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:05 PM on August 19, 2012 [4 favorites]


My god that was cathartic.
posted by tempythethird at 4:10 PM on August 19, 2012


Fifty Shades Of Grey – Pedophilia Hiding In Plain Sight
posted by 445supermag at 4:55 PM on August 19


Wow, the comments on that article are straight-up crazypants. Apparently Obama is responsible for 50 Shades of Gray. WTF I don't even.
posted by joannemerriam at 4:14 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


Apparently Obama is responsible for 50 Shades of Gray.

Well, it was originally called The Audacity of Edward Cullen's Sparkly Taint.
posted by "Elbows" O'Donoghue at 4:19 PM on August 19, 2012 [7 favorites]


Also: "The hammering of my oxo orifice was so vigorous, he soon found his scroto baggins joining his love muscle deep in my ring piece."
posted by "Elbows" O'Donoghue at 4:20 PM on August 19, 2012


In other metafilter posts, today we have one concerning Otzi the Iceman being more Neanderthal than we are. In the spirit of this thread, I beg to differ: apparently evolution has developed the brain of many women to be more intelligent, smarter, more sensible and emphatic than the majority of males. Yet when it comes to sex, the /fantasy/ of being fucked like a piece of meat apparently is a make-do replacement for a brutal experience

*ducks...kind of*
posted by elpapacito at 4:20 PM on August 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


445supermag - It wouldn't be Twilight fanfic if it wasn't an asshole ordering a vapid child-woman around, I guess.
posted by Artw at 4:26 PM on August 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


My clunge pool was trembling like a rat on acid.
posted by anigbrowl at 4:31 PM on August 19, 2012


What does it mean that I read these in the voice of the GEICO lizard?
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 4:39 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


On the other hand, this doubles as a MetaFilter user name generator. I'll be very disappointed if there's not a MeFi user called "Chorizo Howitzer" by this time tomorrow.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 4:52 PM on August 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


I began sweating like a white mouse in a tampon factory.

Oh my god best simile ever.
posted by Osrinith at 4:55 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


I love this! It reminds me of the tale of Bronwyn and Spikenard. Unfortunately, the original links on the post seem to be broken but half of it still survives on the internet.
posted by yaymukund at 5:00 PM on August 19, 2012


I call b.s. too. I clicked on the generator a dozen times and not once did I see the phrases "he murmurs" or "I murmer." Whoever created this generator thingy hasn't read much if any of 50 Shades. Lucky them.
posted by fuse theorem at 5:24 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


Yeah I have never read "50 Shades" but I understood it to be very softcore porn aimed at housewives. This is just "fratty guys being gross" stuff that's funny for like the first 3 words then really tiresome.
posted by drjimmy11 at 5:41 PM on August 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


elpapacito, I think you are misunderstanding the fantasy at a basic level. The story only functions as erotica if they are, at the heart of the matter, the cause of it.

It is all the same as classical gothic terror in that there is some thing, a thing that is unknown, I cannot identify, or ever catch a glimpse. It follows me, it watches. I feel it gazing out of every shadow, crack and corner. Where I go no escape as the better hidden, the closer it approaches I. I fear, but then until I chance upon a mirror. A vision smiling, looking more like me than I. As I feared I was the extra, I was the fake. She is the me behind my eyes, broken free, and has a knife. And so I die so she can be and live her life free of lies and I and I and I--now only shadows of her eyes.

Now, let us turn around. To flip now from Terrifying to Seductive is to reverse the roles of the parts.

If she were but meat, if all was meat that caused all this, then meat would be the cause and target, and yes indeed she would be treated as if she were meat alone, but yet then still she still would remain still: as a spectator, silent witness, an accidental extra on the scene. Imagine waking during surgery paralyzed, no more being than a gaze, no tears shed, no scream is heard. The scene so described is what she is not erotica, but its opposite. She is not meat, she is not meat alone, but meat instead veils what is her's alone, and alone sought. To be a discovery shared, or not.

Unfortunately, never found, but we may dream. Sometimes, often, usually rather poorly.
posted by TwelveTwo at 5:46 PM on August 19, 2012


what is this I don't even
posted by jquinby at 5:47 PM on August 19, 2012


If you're on a Mac, try copying the text and doing pbpaste | say -v Vicki in a terminal window. Hawt.

Some choice bits from the Javascript code:
semen: ["creamy load", "love mayonnaise", "love piss", "man fat", "ectoplasm", "magician's wax", "Da Vinci load", "penis pudding", "cock custard", "steamin' semen", "baby gravy", "cock snot"]

var sentences = [ "Within no time, I could feel the shitty [noun-semen] [verb-dribble-present] from my [noun-anus] and all over my [noun-labia]."
posted by Nelson at 5:52 PM on August 19, 2012 [7 favorites]


MetaFilter: Is now the time to tell him I really need to ease a hardened fudge nugget, I wondered?
posted by laconic skeuomorph at 6:41 PM on August 19, 2012


I've pasted all the terms used here. That must be the dirtiest line of javascript ever written.
posted by PueExMachina at 6:58 PM on August 19, 2012 [7 favorites]


Apparently Obama is responsible for 50 Shades of Gray.

Dave Mustaine is on the case.
posted by DaDaDaDave at 7:08 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


With my sugared almond now much like Pete Burns' lips

Cannot unsee.
posted by arcticseal at 7:57 PM on August 19, 2012


MetaFilter: glistening fart valve

okay I'm done I swear
posted by spitefulcrow at 8:05 PM on August 19, 2012


Goo! Ah, the 50 Shades phenomenon. The only good thing to come of it other than this post was when I recently shamed two teenage girls at Target who were huddled around an end-cap glancing through a copy. I wheeled my cart past them and gave them a properly stern "you girls are too young to be reading that!". They flinched first, then rolled their eyes at each other. I was doing my best not to laugh. God it's fun to be 40.
posted by PuppyCat at 8:16 PM on August 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


"The silver tie was loosened at his throat. I felt a fluttering "down there" as I remembered the last time I had seen that tie, when he bound my wrists together and lavished love on me while flying his helicopter to Vancouver. He cocked his head to the side and said "Have you eaten recently?"

I said "Yes, sir." because I had eaten a blueberry scone from Starbucks only half an hour previously.


Haha, cocked.
posted by odinsdream at 8:31 PM on August 19, 2012


OXO ORIFICE

Well, have you ever tasted Oxo?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:17 PM on August 19, 2012


"When he removed his tallywacker from my rusty sherif's badge, he was pleasantly surprised to see a footlong fudge bullet staring back as him."

Tallywacker?
posted by homunculus at 9:40 PM on August 19, 2012


Consider my word salad... tossed.
posted by mikurski at 9:53 PM on August 19, 2012


There was man fat dribbling from his long-dong silver and I was wetter than an Italian cruise ship.

Oh god oh god oh god, I really must stop reading Mefi after the mister has gone to bed. The strangling noises I'm making are freaking out the cats.
posted by deborah at 10:52 PM on August 19, 2012


Within no time, I could feel the shitty baby gravy weeping from my puckered brown eye and all over my piss flaps. ... The mixture of butt nugget and cock snot in my balloon knot created the delicious rectoplasm that he was so fond of. Now, I've seen more helmets than Hitler, but the sight of his flesh gordon made my spaff slime like a hungry pig at a trough.

*cries*

I read all other excerpted with cackling delight, but my own with horror. I can't get over the trauma of my first time, it would seem...
posted by stoneandstar at 11:12 PM on August 19, 2012


By now, my birth cannon was seeping like Adele waiting for Greggs to open.

Oh god. I think I woke up the neighbor's dog because I was laughing so loudly.
posted by dantsea at 11:50 PM on August 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


Fifty Shades of Roger's Profanisaurus, if you ask me.

Non-right-on warning: those of a sensitive, PC nature look away now.

True story. One of my fellow workers was recently discussing an, uh, encounter he had apparently had with a lady over the previous weekend. At one point I heard "...so I stuck my hand down there and she was wetter than a spastic's chin."

There honestly are times when you simply cannot stop yourself laughing uproariously, even though you know you shouldn't.
posted by Decani at 1:38 AM on August 20, 2012


DO NOT under any circumstances pipe the output of the Fifty Shades generator through the Ermahgerd translator. I'm still trying to figure out how to shove my lungs and esophagus back into my chest cavity.
posted by Ritchie at 2:51 AM on August 20, 2012


As a unrepentant man-child who had this on ebook to see what the fuss was about the very first thing I did was search for rude words. Did you know that the word "cocked" appears around 27 times in the course of the first book alone? Mr Grey might as well be a Cocker Spaniel.
posted by longbaugh at 2:55 AM on August 20, 2012


It sort of takes the fun out of it if you look at the source and see all the possibilities.

On the other hand, urbandictionary probably just gained a few dozen entries.
posted by spitefulcrow at 7:23 AM on August 20, 2012


drjimmy11: "Yeah I have never read "50 Shades" but I understood it to be very softcore porn aimed at housewives."

It was my understanding that it's pretty explicit, actually. Can anyone who's read it comment?
posted by brundlefly at 12:54 PM on August 20, 2012


It was my understanding that it's pretty explicit, actually. Can anyone who's read it comment?

A response to this hinges upon a) someone admitting they've read it, and b) being able to send a response confirming such while dealing with hands that are invariably coated in shrimp sap
posted by FatherDagon at 2:04 PM on August 20, 2012 [1 favorite]


The plasterer's radio similie is so disgusting yet so perfect. I don;t know if it originated with Irvine Welsh or Roger's Profanisaurus (most of this stuff clearly did) but it's so wrong it's right.

Thank Christ nobody's saw fit to post 50 Shades of Chav, though. Google it if you must, I'm not feeding its stat counter.
posted by mippy at 3:05 PM on August 20, 2012


The fucking of my other vagina was so vigorous

Dear Aliens, that's not how it works.
posted by ersatz at 3:28 PM on August 20, 2012


Oh my gosh, I just stumbled over this post and the generator is hilarious:

It was bliss having his meaty member rammed inside me again; stuffing my spunk dungeon with a gerbil just didn't get my wizards sleeve pouring like it used to.

Thanks, TYRR.
posted by misha at 5:51 PM on August 26, 2012


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