Can I Drink This? (Nuclear Apocalypse Edition)

September 20, 2012 1:39 AM

Having dealt with the pressing problem of what to do with all the bodies following a nuclear attack and looked into whether the bureaucracy would survive, Restricted Data moves on to the big question: Can Beer Survive A Nuclear Apocalypse?.
posted by Hobo (26 comments total)

Spoiler: Even the bottles pretty near the test had a fairly high survival rate

To paraphrase Ben Franklin "beer proves there is a God and that He wants us to be happy."

Of course He would make certain a few bottles would survive the nuclear holocaust He has planned for us.
posted by three blind mice at 2:01 AM on September 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

the nuclear holocaust He has planned for us

My theology is a little shaky, but I thought God was the guy who suggested that we don't all kill one another, and we are the ones who built nuclear weapons so we could burn millions of our fellow-beings to death - ?
posted by the quidnunc kid at 2:13 AM on September 20, 2012 [3 favorites]

but I thought God was the guy who suggested

Maybe some other God, I'm talking about the God who gave us beer and nuclear blast-proof bottles.

You see? That's thinking.
posted by three blind mice at 2:20 AM on September 20, 2012 [5 favorites]

When I imagine god, I imagine it as just another force of nature -- like gravity, gently pulling us towards a peaceful existence.

It's as easy to build a machine that defies god as it is to build the machine that defies gravity long enough to drop it.
posted by sarastro at 2:42 AM on September 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'm talking about the God who gave us beer and nuclear blast-proof bottles

Ah, that one - Dionysus, perhaps; no doubt Thoth is also credited (in the Nile-soaked lands) with the invention of beer. Cunning works of glass are presumably the objects of Hephaestus, the crippled smith of Olympus.

I simply wish to know to whom I should dedicate my human sacrifices in post-apocalyptic times.
posted by the quidnunc kid at 2:43 AM on September 20, 2012 [3 favorites]

I simply wish to know to whom I should dedicate my human sacrifices in post-apocalyptic times.

"To plan and organize for the disposal of the bodies of millions of civilians killed in an enemy nuclear attack is a grim business, even for those trained and accustomed to the work of mortuaries."

Don't worry 'bout the Gods. There'll be more than enough human sacrifice for them all. Your meagre efforts would probably go unnoticed and you should probably avoid adding to the burden of clean-up.

"...only the bottles closest to Ground Zero had much radioactivity, and even that was “well within the permissible limits for emergency use,” which is to say, it won’t hurt you in the short term. The liquid itself was somewhat shielded by the bottles of the containers which picked up some of the radioactivity."

Bottom's up, baby. It's an emergency. Drink 'em up before the zombies come.
posted by three blind mice at 3:24 AM on September 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

Hobo, man, you in Nairobi. I in Nairobi. infini also sometimes in Nairobi. what say we grab a beer and discuss the same?
posted by allkindsoftime at 3:28 AM on September 20, 2012

I simply wish to know to whom I should dedicate my human sacrifices in post-apocalyptic times.

Me. You can dedicate them to me. You all can.

Puny humans.
posted by allkindsoftime at 3:30 AM on September 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

Beer? If I survive a nuclear exchange I might want something a smidge stronger.

Preferably the kind of single malt I can't afford now. Looting would be okay, right?
And drinking to dull the pain?
posted by Mezentian at 3:43 AM on September 20, 2012

"bottles are small, and there’s a lot of stuff in between them and the shockwave to dissipate it."

Whiskey bottles are generally much bigger than beer bottles and not packed as well so the likelihood of a few surviving the blast would seem much lower. Also those fancy lead-wrap labels and corks could be a problem.

Like the lowly cockroach, the lowly bottle of Bud is probably your best bet for post-apocalyptic libation.
posted by three blind mice at 4:37 AM on September 20, 2012

If there's a God who made us, surely such a powerful being knew the consequences of his actions. You can't have omnipotence and shrug off responsibility.

(I mean you can cheat by saying free will, and pretend that's a satisfying answer, but it's just a dodge.)
posted by Pope Guilty at 4:58 AM on September 20, 2012

Mythbusters did a nuclear survival test with bugs. The weren't thinking big enough, obviously.
posted by tommasz at 5:08 AM on September 20, 2012

After the Apocalypse there will still be beer.

But only until 2 AM, because we have standards.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:18 AM on September 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

Don't worry 'bout the Gods. There'll be more than enough human sacrifice for them all.

Well, I take your point - that is quite true.

Me. You can dedicate them to me. You all can.

Oh great - now I'm confused again.

This is just like the Gods, isn't it? "Hey Abraham, go kill your son, wait only kidding ha ha I'll kill mine instead, smell you later bro". Fucking time wasters.
posted by the quidnunc kid at 5:22 AM on September 20, 2012 [3 favorites]

"...only the bottles closest to Ground Zero had much radioactivity, and even that was “well within the permissible limits for emergency use,” which is to say, it won’t hurt you in the short term. The liquid itself was somewhat shielded by the bottles of the containers which picked up some of the radioactivity."

Well with enough Rad-X and Radaway on hand, sure.
posted by The Whelk at 5:26 AM on September 20, 2012 [6 favorites]

Still better than Busch Ice.
posted by scottatdrake at 5:52 AM on September 20, 2012

There are a few microbrews that would probably launch a counterstrike.
posted by Thorzdad at 6:06 AM on September 20, 2012

I've seen Threads.
I've tasted Bud (both the US and Czech versions).

Bud will not suffice.
posted by Mezentian at 6:24 AM on September 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

The Day After was actually about a horrible hangover.
posted by item at 6:37 AM on September 20, 2012

Splendid! There's a chance I'll still be able to find a MetaBeer!
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 8:15 AM on September 20, 2012

I'm talking about the God who gave us beer and nuclear blast-proof bottles.

Yeah, remember your scripture:

"Let he who has never been stoned cast the first sin." (MD. 20:20)

posted by Herodios at 9:25 AM on September 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

If the beer is going to survive, better make the bottles easier for the cockroaches to open.
posted by Twang at 1:37 PM on September 20, 2012

Well with enough Rad-X and Radaway on hand, sure.
posted by The Whelk at 8:26 AM on September 20

Oh now I'm gonna have to go check...no rads, and just like before the war, str and chr +1, int -1. Beats the hell outta toilet water.
posted by mcrandello at 7:30 PM on September 20, 2012

patrolling the mojave almost makes you wish for a nuclear winter
posted by danny the boy at 9:20 PM on September 20, 2012

but... but... SELF-MADE MAN yadayadayada
posted by liza at 12:26 PM on September 21, 2012

mcrandello, what about the Irradiated Beer? 10 rads a bottle.
posted by Hactar at 2:49 PM on September 21, 2012