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if only that crime fell within the Department of Health’s purview.
October 25, 2012 10:59 AM   Subscribe

"To deride Mr. Fieri for opening his restaurant there as if he’d taken a dump in the Louvre is silly. He pooped on a pile of bright shiny poop, Jeff Koonsian poop, Guy Debordian poop." The New York Observer reviews Guy Fieri's latest restaurant, Guy's American Kitchen and Bar.
posted by roomthreeseventeen (214 comments total) 32 users marked this as a favorite

 
Oh, they expanded their menu! I'd only seen the opening-day version of the menu, when it was posted on Buzzfeed.
posted by Greg Nog at 11:04 AM on October 25, 2012 [33 favorites]


I know the older I get the more I am supposed to be crotchety and surly and entrenched in my own worldview, and hence more able to appreciate witty restaurant takedowns like this, but I feel like I'm becoming much more likely to want to just let people BE already, crappy TImes Square restaurants and all.

"I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now."
posted by sweetkid at 11:07 AM on October 25, 2012 [35 favorites]


Come on, let's be honest. You all read "goatee-framed sphincter-mouth" and the same one word magically popped into your head.
posted by MuffinMan at 11:08 AM on October 25, 2012 [6 favorites]


So the burger was good, the shrimp was bad, obesity is a shame and Guy Fieri is in bad taste.
posted by 2bucksplus at 11:13 AM on October 25, 2012 [5 favorites]


"Mr. Fieri is the culinary equivalent of the gun lobby, which cloaks its self-serving interests in the garments of freedom and peddles them to an older rural white population (while it is young urban black men who suffer disproportionately from gun violence)."

This is a fun one. Thanks for posting.
posted by oneironaut at 11:13 AM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


You all read "goatee-framed sphincter-mouth" and the same one word magically popped into your head.

'Butthead'?
posted by shakespeherian at 11:13 AM on October 25, 2012


It's an enormous space near Times Square catering to rubes who would otherwise be eating at the world's largest Applebee's. I'm totally okay with that.

And at least the terrible food pairs with Heartland's shitty beer. I have had me some lousy brewpub beer in my time, and Heartland's has got to be in the bottom three or so.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:13 AM on October 25, 2012 [5 favorites]


You all read "goatee-framed sphincter-mouth" and the same one word magically popped into your head.

"Goatse"?
posted by grobstein at 11:14 AM on October 25, 2012 [4 favorites]


Spoiler: They didn't like it.
posted by Curious Artificer at 11:16 AM on October 25, 2012 [9 favorites]


Sounds like pretty standard casual bar food with dumb names tacked on.
posted by octothorpe at 11:17 AM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


You all read "goatee-framed sphincter-mouth" and the same one word magically popped into your head.

'Hyphenate?'
posted by shakespeherian at 11:17 AM on October 25, 2012 [6 favorites]


Meh. Fieri is a character selling his brand of slop. No different than Chester Cheetah, Tony the Tiger, Ronald McDonald, or The Most Interesting Man In The World.

Indeed I'd argue that the author of this shite review has more in common with Mr. Fieri than do the patrons of his restaurants.
posted by highwayman at 11:17 AM on October 25, 2012 [11 favorites]


Guy Fieri is using patriotism as a Trojan Horse for his infectious and insidious garbage.

To be fair, isn't this a pretty conventional use of patriotism?
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 11:17 AM on October 25, 2012 [54 favorites]


I feel like I'm becoming much more likely to want to just let people BE already, crappy TImes Square restaurants and all.

Those, goddamn Southern and Midwestern tourists coming to town, staying in the touristy parts and showering it with their fat, greasy money!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 11:17 AM on October 25, 2012 [13 favorites]


Maybe I'm just coming down with a bad case of whitetrashitis, but the giant eagle made out of license plates and beercans sounds awesome, as do pots'n'pans chandeliers.
posted by mannequito at 11:17 AM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


WHO RUN FLAVORTOWN?
posted by griphus at 11:18 AM on October 25, 2012 [61 favorites]


Guy Fieri is using patriotism as a Trojan Horse for his infectious and insidious garbage.

To be fair, isn't this a pretty conventional use of patriotism?


He's evil and conventional?
posted by grobstein at 11:19 AM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


The Banality of Fieri
posted by griphus at 11:20 AM on October 25, 2012 [9 favorites]


The one and only episode of Guy's cooking show I ever saw was ostensibly "about" a couple of his friends coming over to hang out, and he was showing the audience how to whip up a couple things for his buddies to eat. The camera kept cutting away from Guy periodically to show....the backs of his friends' heads as they sat watching a football game while waiting for him to finish. It felt like some weird sort of weird knee-jerk "we've been showing too much cooking - quick, show something manly!" thing. It was fascinating.

I actually like the idea of celebrating the Great American Road Food stands along the highways and in small towns, the way he's trying to do - but this just sort of seems to pre-package them and synthesize them into some franchised version of themselves, which somehow seems to be missing the point. There's something to be said for only being able to get a cheeseburger like they make it at Shady Glen from Shady Glen, you know?

But this is in Times Square, which in my more cynical moments I think of as "New York's tourist playpen", so....it seems fitting.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:21 AM on October 25, 2012 [3 favorites]


It is easy to hate on Fieri for his "patriotic" business operation, but as he is just targeting the tourist trade, I wonder if a good chunk of Manhattan could be charged with and sentenced for the same crimes. How many tourist shops are there in Times Square, at least, that sell the equivalent of "9/11 Nevar Forget" shirts, day in and day out? Too pedestrian a target, I guess.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:22 AM on October 25, 2012


the giant eagle made out of license plates and beercans sounds awesome, as do pots'n'pans chandeliers.

I thought so too.

(Also - what is the "one word" we all thought of? I genuinely don't know.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:22 AM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


It felt like some weird sort of weird knee-jerk "we've been showing too much cooking - quick, show something manly!" thing.

Those are inserted to cover the omitted sections of time in the kitchen when competent and well-meaning people lock Guy in a cage and prepare edible food in his stead.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:22 AM on October 25, 2012 [7 favorites]


You know that saying, "Those who can't do, teach"? Critics are worse. They are often those who can't do something, who never bothered trying to learn how to do it and therefore can't qualify to teach it, and who also can't write worth a damn.

I can't stand Guy Fieri, but that prose was a waste of bandwidth.
posted by cribcage at 11:22 AM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


I feel like I'm becoming much more likely to want to just let people BE already, crappy TImes Square restaurants and all.

Those, goddamn Southern and Midwestern tourists coming to town, staying in the touristy parts and showering it with their fat, greasy money!


That was basically the opposite of what I was saying.
posted by sweetkid at 11:24 AM on October 25, 2012


You all read "goatee-framed sphincter-mouth" and the same one word magically popped into your head.

Hipster sandworms?
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:25 AM on October 25, 2012 [10 favorites]


Smash Mouth should take this guy to court for ripping off their image wholesale.
posted by porn in the woods at 11:26 AM on October 25, 2012 [27 favorites]


That was basically the opposite of what I was saying.

I agree with you. I think that's how sarcasm is supposed to work. A /hamburger tag would have been doubly appropriate I suppose!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 11:26 AM on October 25, 2012


Also, this restaurant exists where a Heartland Brewery used to stand, which is some sort of apocalyptic moment because one would never think we, as a civilization, had the ability to replace a Heartland Brewery with a worse restaurant.
posted by griphus at 11:26 AM on October 25, 2012 [8 favorites]


Come on, let's be honest. You all read 'You know that saying, "Those who can't do, teach"? Critics are worse.' and the same one word magically popped into your head.

the word was irony
posted by shakespeherian at 11:26 AM on October 25, 2012 [3 favorites]


That was basically the opposite of what I was saying.

I agree with you. I think that's how sarcasm is supposed to work. A /hamburger tag would have been doubly appropriate I suppose!


Oh yayyyy. My bad.
posted by sweetkid at 11:27 AM on October 25, 2012


Guy Fieri's show is pretty awesome actually. He's never condescending, even when some of the dives use questionably techniques. He also seems genuinely curious on a chef-to-chef level and asks deceptively probing questions about food preparation. Dude's got an interesting bio too. Do you know in high school he saved money for six years as a dishwasher so he could study abroad in France? In conclusion, team Fieri.
posted by 2bucksplus at 11:27 AM on October 25, 2012 [5 favorites]


I have a love-hate relationship with Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives (part of which is my preference for the Harvard comma which, apparently, Food Network does not share).

On the one hand, pork chops, amirite?

On the other hand, I put it on in the background while I cook dinner some nights, and every time, without fail, it grosses me out. That stuff sounds so good and looks so bad.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:27 AM on October 25, 2012


First they laugh at you, then they fight you, then your gaudy restaurant makes a shit-ton of money, then you win.
posted by bicyclefish at 11:28 AM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


It seems like Fieri just took menu items straight from that This Is Why You're Fat blog.

I feel like this isn't the full, original Tumblr but I could be wrong
posted by rachaelfaith at 11:28 AM on October 25, 2012


Smash Mouth should take this guy to court for ripping off their image wholesale.

Not only did they not sue him, they wrote a cookbook together.
posted by JPD at 11:28 AM on October 25, 2012 [9 favorites]


Fieri and his general douchebaggery are a frequent subject at Food Network Confessions.
posted by Egg Shen at 11:28 AM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


DDD is fun and entertaining. Guy Fieri's only crime, to my mind, is that his American-style fusion cuisine ideology sounds kinda gross. Other than that, he's pretty much doing what a lot of other restauranteurs are doing, and this kind of haute couture, supremely sanctimonious, overcooked and overwritten take down just makes the writer sound pompous and absurdly disdainful. It's a fucking restaurant in Time's Square! Whatever Woody Allen-sommelied chateau you're imagining as not worthy of disdain is not going to happen there, and tourists would not get it anyway.
posted by clockzero at 11:31 AM on October 25, 2012 [5 favorites]


I was hoping the "crispy crimes" of the headline might refer to the use of "crispy" to mean crisp. Oh well.
posted by still_wears_a_hat at 11:31 AM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


Not only did they not sue him, they wrote a cookbook together.

Absolutely nothing in that article makes any sense. I don't want to live in this world.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:32 AM on October 25, 2012 [6 favorites]


yeah why does that third guy in the picture have a carton of eggs for a head? is that Sammy Hagar?
posted by mannequito at 11:33 AM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


I guess I shouldn't admit enjoying it, and people are right that this is an unfair take-down, like exploding in disappointed outrage about the wine list at Olive Garden, but I enjoyed this. I love foot-stamping outrage and preaching snark to the converted. I am bad and I feel bad, but it was still pretty fun to read.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 11:34 AM on October 25, 2012 [6 favorites]


Guy Fieri also cooked the eggs (poorly, according to the word on the street) for the Smash Mouth egg challenge.
posted by Greg Nog at 11:34 AM on October 25, 2012 [4 favorites]


"Buffalo Bleu-Sabi" chicken wings, "Guy-Talian" nachos, and the "Slamma Jamma" chicken parmesan
posted by griphus at 11:35 AM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


Fieri's show once featured a local restaurant that I frequent. It pretty much saved the business* as the number of people who come in following a rerun of their episode is such that the owner has to warn her regulars on Facebook ahead of the program airing.

So while I might not be onboard with what he preaches, I'm glad he does it.

* the business was solvent, the food good. It was the stove/range/grill and hood that needed replacement. They don't come cheap.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:36 AM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


outrage about the wine list at Olive Garden

Ah, that reminds me of this spectacular previous thread on the North Forks Olive Garden review.
posted by sweetkid at 11:39 AM on October 25, 2012 [7 favorites]


Heh
posted by Thorzdad at 11:40 AM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


Oh my stars but that was wonderful. When I finished reading I wanted to stand up and cheer.
posted by scratch at 11:41 AM on October 25, 2012


Oh jesus no one look at the menu online.

Here is an $18 salad:

Rotisserie roasted chicken, diced tomatoes, chopped cucumbers, romaine, smoked bacon, crumbled blue, boiled egg, avocado + buttermilk ranch dressing.

Here is what nachos are:

Sweet Italian turkey sausage, ground beef, pepperoni, piquante peppers, ricotta crema, cheese + fresh herbs. They are also $13.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:42 AM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


I can give him credit for one thing, he featured Becky's on his show, which is both a tasty and awesome place.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 11:42 AM on October 25, 2012


the number of people who come in following a rerun of their episode is such that the owner has to warn her regulars on Facebook ahead of the program airing

I've always wondered about that. Lots of the places featured are tiny spaces in strip malls that must be positively swamped after an airing. I suppose there are worse problems to have, but at a certain point it's got to feel like, "not this shit again."
posted by uncleozzy at 11:43 AM on October 25, 2012


Serious Eats did a review last month.

"What we found wasn't a disaster, per se. But if one turned up in a suburban mall next to a Cheesecake Factory... we'd send you to the Cheesecake Factory. Hands down."
posted by sevenyearlurk at 11:44 AM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


MetaFilter: a beef pancake that hangs over the bun like a meat skirt
posted by mkb at 11:44 AM on October 25, 2012 [6 favorites]


Yep Guy Fieri is a cartoon food goon but he introduced me to a restaurant in my hometown that makes better-than-fine sandwiches and for that I'm grateful.
posted by Doleful Creature at 11:45 AM on October 25, 2012


Sweet Italian turkey sausage, ground beef, pepperoni, piquante peppers, ricotta crema, cheese + fresh herbs. They are also $13.

This is what we call "structural humor".
posted by clockzero at 11:47 AM on October 25, 2012 [3 favorites]


Hamburg Ideas for Guy Fieri. Do NOT take down, corncobs. (Grand Blanc)
posted by josher71 at 11:47 AM on October 25, 2012 [24 favorites]


Do you know in high school he saved money for six years as a dishwasher so he could study abroad in France?

It took him six years to finish high school?
posted by Floydd at 11:48 AM on October 25, 2012 [30 favorites]


My brother and sister-in-law are currently campaigning for DDD to feature their restaurant, so I'm on Team Fieri at least for now.

But that article just got this song stuck in my head.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:48 AM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


Although I almost never eat that kind of food, I find Fieri's show quite entertaining.

Times Square to me is about the same as Las Vegas without the casino's. A gaudy, cheesy, pile of shiny crap that attracts the tourists.

I think a Fieri restaurant fits in there perfectly!
posted by freakazoid at 11:48 AM on October 25, 2012 [3 favorites]


Hamburg Ideas for Guy Fieri. Do NOT take down, corncobs. (Grand Blanc)

Wow. I guess that's what happens when Christopher Kimball lets his hair down.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:51 AM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives is really great. He's got a winning personality and really seems to love the cooks he gets to meet and work with on the show. I always wonder about the hours of blooper reel they must have of him tripping all over the name of the show. "Thanks for watching another episode of Drivers, Dive-Ins and Dine! Shit!!!"
posted by Rock Steady at 11:51 AM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


cribcage: "I can't stand Guy Fieri, but that prose was a waste of bandwidth."

Ah, well.

The author probably turned in an early review saying "I tried the food here. It was terrible and you should not eat it.", probably with a side bar that looked like
And Stein's editor said, "You have to fill up 9 column inches. Try again". So he engaged in behavior that, really, any writer would do: huffed some VCR head cleaner, read Martin Amis' The Moronic Inferno: And Other Visits to America cover to cover, and began his task dilated, refreshed and full of righteousness.

Indeed, it may be that this is perhaps a bit more than just a restaurant review and wondering why he's not discussing how often the waitress refilled his margarita-bucket may just, ever so slightly, be missing the point.
posted by boo_radley at 11:54 AM on October 25, 2012 [47 favorites]


The author probably turned in an early review saying "I tried the food here. It was terrible and you should not eat it."

I actually got the impression, after wading through all that condescending snark, that the author didn't dislike the food..
posted by gyc at 11:58 AM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


gyc: "I actually got the impression, after wading through all that condescending snark, that the author didn't dislike the food.."

As I mentioned, the VCR head cleaners are a key part of the process and contain a natural mellowing agent that may account for this.
posted by boo_radley at 12:02 PM on October 25, 2012 [4 favorites]


Many more reviews, and Fieri's response to them, here. And, accusations about Fieri's behavior from a former producer.

Edited to include correct link.
posted by mudpuppie at 12:04 PM on October 25, 2012


As I mentioned, the VCR head cleaners are a key part of the process...

You mean the "Guy Bar" Amyl-tini?
posted by griphus at 12:05 PM on October 25, 2012 [14 favorites]


I think the review was fantastic. Fieri's "alternadood," forced-cool, forced-earnest schtick is abrasive. It was interesting to learn that he changed his given name to make it more ethnic-- it's the pretentious icing on a cake that already tastes like it was shat out by a marketing team.

Which is hilarious, because his persona is a carefully-crafted "just plain folks." Reading the thread, it looks like a lot of people here buy it. Which shocks me, frankly.
posted by Mayor Curley at 12:06 PM on October 25, 2012 [12 favorites]


Fieri's "alternadood," forced-cool, forced-earnest schtick is abrasive. It was interesting to learn that he changed his given name to make it more ethnic-- it's the pretentious icing on a cake that already tastes like it was shat out by a marketing team.

Not too far off on the "marketing team" part - he actually was the second winner of the second "Next Food Network Star" reality show, which means he probably got a lot of currying and coaching from judges the way they do on American Idol and stuff.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:09 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


mudpuppie: "Many more reviews, and Fieri's response to them, here"

$14 for 5 chicken wings? Entrée salads are $17.50, pastas $17.95 to $22.50 for turkey fettucine ? Holy moly.
posted by boo_radley at 12:10 PM on October 25, 2012


Dadboner has some ideas for Guy's new 'rant over on Craigslist.
posted by wemayfreeze at 12:10 PM on October 25, 2012


boo_radley, if you divide it by calorie it's a good deal.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:11 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


And, accusations about Fieri's behavior from a former producer.

Okay, Guy, not cool. Not cool.
"You have to protect Guy from all of his poop jokes," Page says. "Anytime any woman mentioned 'cream,' Guy went into a sexual riff. When cutting the show, you had to tell the editors to watch Guy's eye line, because it's always on breasts."

Fieri also needed protection from homosexuals, or at least advance warning. Early in the show's run, Page got a phone call from Fieri, who'd just walked out of a restaurant in a huff.

"Guy had decided that the two men running the restaurant were life partners," Page remembers. "He said, 'You can't send me to talk to gay people without warning! Those people weird me out!'"

From then on, show researchers were required to note any indications of homosexuality detected during pre-interviews. (Fieri declined to comment for this story through his spokespeople.)

Former field producer Kari Kloster confirms that Fieri made the odd demand about gay guests, and says she witnessed the star become more controlling on set.
posted by ericb at 12:12 PM on October 25, 2012 [23 favorites]


Do you know in high school he saved money for six years as a dishwasher so he could study abroad in France?

Who was she and what became of her?
posted by Renoroc at 12:12 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


Do you know in high school he saved money for six years as a dishwasher so he could study abroad in France?

Fat lot of good it did him.
posted by schoolgirl report at 12:13 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


I don't have any great love for Guy Fieri, but this sentence made me stop and wonder whether the Observer had hired some superachiever high-school senior trying to write an essay designed to impress the Yale admissions office:

"It would be disingenuous to claim that Times Square represents anything but a regurgitation of the American dream, monetized, metastasized, made blindingly bright by light-emitting diodes and shoved back down the gullets of those souls unlucky enough to have mistakenly stumbled into the red zone, or worse, like moths to the incinerating flame, have actively sought it out."
posted by blucevalo at 12:14 PM on October 25, 2012 [5 favorites]


Wow. I guess that's what happens when Christopher Kimball lets his hair down.

I guess that's what happens when a volcano meets a tornado.
posted by shakespeherian at 12:14 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


That sounds like exactly something you'd read in the NY Press.
posted by griphus at 12:18 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


Hee, if you scroll further down the page from the Guy responds to criticism link you find a blurb about Anthony Bourdain's reaction to his restaurant:
I'm fascinated by the Guy Fieri terror-dome they just opened up. 600 seats, something like that? 600 seats. And a gift shop. And all of these poor diners, drives and whatever, douchebags waddle in there. First of all, he single handedly turned the neighborhood into the Ed Hardy district which I'm a little pissed off about.

But all of these poor bastards see him eating cheap food on TV, they go in there and it's what $18? For a fucking hamburger? The french fries are like $12? By the time you buy a drink you're out of there for what?

I tell you what, that guy has set back spelling like two decades. All these kids trying to spell "kewl" with a K.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:18 PM on October 25, 2012 [13 favorites]


I think the review was fantastic. Fieri's "alternadood," forced-cool, forced-earnest schtick is abrasive. It was interesting to learn that he changed his given name to make it more ethnic-- it's the pretentious icing on a cake that already tastes like it was shat out by a marketing team.

Which is hilarious, because his persona is a carefully-crafted "just plain folks." Reading the thread, it looks like a lot of people here buy it. Which shocks me, frankly.


I certainly wouldn't be surprised or take issue with the fact that it's abrasive to some people. I can see how it would be. While I can't speak for anyone else, my take is not that I'm buying it so much as I don't really care about the patently silly nature of his persona. He has a fun tv show and I wouldn't eat in his restaurant. What else matters, really? Does our culture need to be defended from hyper-faux-American peroxide-white culinary imps like him?
posted by clockzero at 12:19 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


My favorite quote, from one of the reviews linked to in my comment above:

"It's not so much a drink, as it is a cup of diabetes that tastes like a crackhead with a sweet tooth melted down blue raspberry Dum Dums, gum balls, and Sour Patch Kids, and put it on ice."
posted by mudpuppie at 12:25 PM on October 25, 2012 [4 favorites]


Mayor Curley: Reading the thread, it looks like a lot of people here buy it.

I wouldn't say I "buy it" exactly. Constructed or not, it is fun to watch him interact with people on his show. The stuff about his homophobia is disappointing, though I guess not totally surprising, given his dudebro attitudes in general.
posted by Rock Steady at 12:30 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


Do you know in high school he saved money for six years as a dishwasher so he could study abroad in France?

Why does it not surprise me that it took him six years to finish high school?
posted by item at 12:32 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


Look, the more you try to shame people for taking a fattening food, frying it, and pouring spicy/sugary sauce on it, and then perhaps frying it again, the more they want to do it. Lure of the forbidden/America Fuck Yeah reflexes kick in and that's how you get guys like this and restaurants like this and State Fairs full of deep-fried gumballs on a stick.

So it's tasteless and the food's not all that good-tasting and the place looks like the marriage of Hard Rock Cafe and 9/11 tourist kitsch and it's overpriced. None of this is new in the restaurant business, and it's not the reason we're all fat and it's not the end of good cuisine.
posted by emjaybee at 12:33 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


Good god I hope I live long enough to see a 9/11-themed restaurant.
posted by griphus at 12:36 PM on October 25, 2012 [34 favorites]


I'd love to watch the Next Food Network Star season he was part of. I looked in some dark alleys awhile back and didn't couldn't find it. Did Fieri start with that personality or did they mold him into it? My partner loves his shows and I kind of like them. Diner's Drive-Ins and Dives is particularly appealing for the way it highlights a certain category of authentic American cooking. It's like the book / blog Roadfood, made into TV with an annoying bleached guy who knows more about food than you'd think.

I went to his restaurant in Santa Rosa (or nearby) once. It was fine. Sort of like Chili's only without plastic photo menus and with fresher ingredients. I like that kind of food.
posted by Nelson at 12:38 PM on October 25, 2012


with rudy giuliani in the kitchen.
posted by elizardbits at 12:38 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


Good god I hope I live long enough to see a 9/11-themed restaurant.

Ground Zero Heroes
posted by theodolite at 12:38 PM on October 25, 2012 [10 favorites]


9/11-themed restaurant.

... for a meal you'll Never Forget.™
posted by uncleozzy at 12:40 PM on October 25, 2012 [37 favorites]


You'll Never Forget® the flavor!™
posted by shakespeherian at 12:40 PM on October 25, 2012 [7 favorites]


The review was great up until the last 1/3 that talked about eating habits. If you want a healthy bowl of pasta tossed in olive oil there's hundreds of places to get that in NYC, but sometimes you just want a big dumb bowl of pasta. The problem here is that Fieri's BDBOP is crap, not that it exists.

Cheese drenched salads and BDBOPs are sometimes foods, and everyone should have the right to eat them occasionally if they want. The problem is the people that eat at Chilis or Applebee's or TGIFs every day and then show up here to get fancy. The occasional night out at one of these establishments isn't the problem.

Anyone who wants to find out about actual nutrition these days has any number of routes to do so. I no longer feel bad for the idiots who have a choice to not eat like this all the time and then don't do so. I reserve my pity for people who live in food deserts and can't eat anything but non-nutritious convenience food. If most of your calories come from soda and you're not drinking it because it's cheap sustenance then I hope your feet rot off and I'm mostly pissed at you for driving up healthcare costs for the rest of us.

The true sin of this restaurant is serving worse food than The Cheesecake Factory for twice the price.

All that being said, next time I'm in NYC, I'm totally getting some people together to hate-eat here.
posted by mikesch at 12:49 PM on October 25, 2012


Metafilter: getting some people together to hate-eat here.
posted by OHenryPacey at 12:54 PM on October 25, 2012 [5 favorites]


"Yeah, I know; and such small portions!"
posted by entropicamericana at 12:56 PM on October 25, 2012 [3 favorites]


griphus: Good god I hope I live long enough to see a 9/11-themed restaurant.

"Hey guys, can I interest you in some Flight 93 Hero-lapeño Wings? Or some Pentagonion Rings? Tonight's special is the Chicken Giuliani, and the Twin Towertini is killer. Save room for New York's Finest and Bravest Chocolate Cake!"
posted by Rock Steady at 1:07 PM on October 25, 2012 [7 favorites]


HOW CAN THEY SERVE FONDUE HERE, STERNOS DON'T BURN HOT ENOUGH TO MELT CHOCOLATE, WAKE UP SHEEPLE
posted by shakespeherian at 1:09 PM on October 25, 2012 [42 favorites]


Does our culture need to be defended from hyper-faux-American peroxide-white culinary imps like him?

Yes, please. With lasers, Kung-Fu, my channel changer.....
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 1:14 PM on October 25, 2012


In addition to its over-the-top condescension, I also take issue with an underlying premise of this article. Guy Fieri doesn't sell an unhealthy lifestyle. Adventuring around, meeting new people, and trying crazy, off-the-beaten-path local foods is not an unhealthy lifestyle. Going over 2000 calories once in awhile isn't what makes you fat.

An unhealthy lifestyle is sitting in front of the TV eating the same packaged junkfood every night until you fall asleep. And that seems to be the opposite of what Guy promotes on his show. (Disclaimer: I've never seen Guy's show, but I've coincidentally eaten at multiple places featured on it).

This restaurant's worst crime -- if you can even call it a crime -- is that its culinary output sounds blander than that of the restaurants that appear on DDD. It would be cool if they had guest-chef stints.
posted by roll truck roll at 1:16 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm not sure I disagree with the conclusions, but wow, that is some overwritten and undisciplined writing. (The word "kewl" used in this ironic sense has never, in my experience, ever been part of any piece of writing that is not, at some level, awful.) And I say that as someone who has committed plenty of acts of overwritten and undisciplined writing.

"The conflation of Guy Fieri with America itself begins as soon as one can discern his storefront signage"

Unnecessary words in this sentence would include "itself" and "as soon as one can discern," which could easily be replaced with ... well, with "with." "As soon as one can discern" is doing no work here, either substantively or musically. And it's all like that.

There is great writing, and then there is "LOOKIT ME!" writing. Sadly, for me, this is the latter. And it's too bad, because if it were working about 60 percent as hard (and if it were drained of the condescension toward the Midwest and South), it would be a great, funny, blistering piece, and much more effective for me personally.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 1:21 PM on October 25, 2012 [14 favorites]


Dadboner has some ideas for Guy's new 'rant over on Craigslist.

See also his Rockin' App Ideas.

For anyone who doesn't know: @DadBoner
posted by SpiffyRob at 1:32 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


Rock Steady: ""Hey guys, can I interest you in some Flight 93 Hero-lapeño Wings? Or some Pentagonion Rings? Tonight's special is the Chicken Giuliani, and the Twin Towertini is killer. Save room for New York's Finest and Bravest Chocolate Cake!""

I think the healing, she has begun.
posted by boo_radley at 1:33 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


But what makes Mr. Fieri truly reprehensible is that he’s exploited a mythology that appeals to the downtrodden to deliver unto them cholesterol and all its long-tail misery.

At $24.95 for an entrée and $15.00 for a drink, the downtrodden whom the Observer seems to think need protecting from their own consumer desires will not be eating at Guy's. Problem solved.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:41 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


"Hey guys, can I interest you in some Flight 93 Hero-lapeño Wings? Or some Pentagonion Rings? Tonight's special is the Chicken Giuliani, and the Twin Towertini is killer. Save room for New York's Finest and Bravest Chocolate Cake!"

All the chefs are CIA-trained.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:50 PM on October 25, 2012 [15 favorites]


Nelson: I'd love to watch the Next Food Network Star season he was part of. I looked in some dark alleys awhile back and didn't couldn't find it. Did Fieri start with that personality or did they mold him into it?
If memory serves me correctly, Fieri was already a successful restaurateur in California when he won season 2. He was already a dude-bro with frosted tips, and the name of his "pilot" was Cooking off the Hook.

I was sadly unsuccessful in finding online video of the actual episodes. I did find the article "The Guy Fieri Problem: On The Next Food Network Star" by Tess Lynch on the Grantland Food Fights blog. Lynch opines, Unlike most competitive reality shows, which at least pretend to pit their contestants against each other based on skill, Food Network Star is a pretty naked personality pageant (with a broken barometer, because — again — Guy Fieri!).
posted by ob1quixote at 1:56 PM on October 25, 2012 [3 favorites]


"Slamma Jamma" chicken parmesan

Has this food been listening to The Dave Matthews Band? I don't want to eat food that's been listening to The Dave Matthews Band. There's a chance it might be Dave Matthews BLAND... But it's probably just intolerably shitty.
posted by condor at 2:00 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Guy had decided that the two men running the restaurant were life partners," Page remembers. "He said, 'You can't send me to talk to gay people without warning! Those people weird me out!'"

Wow. Bullet, meet foot. Another case of 'I didn't think I could dislike him any more than I already do'.
posted by Splunge at 2:03 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


Some people like sloppy over-the-top self-indulgence in their food, some people like it in their restaurant reviews. If you criticize it in the former, you should be consistent and criticize just as strongly in the latter.
posted by benito.strauss at 2:06 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm gonna guess that Guy really doesn't give a shit. He has a little window in time to profit his ass off before his 15 minutes is up. He may have some longevity or he may not but in any case, he's the Larry the Cable Guy of food. Soon he'll be making credit card commercials or selling his likeness to McDonalds.

Anyway, a guy has to make a buck, and this is Guy's brand and what he's known for. If he made this place anything other than what it is, it really WOULD take a dump.
posted by snsranch at 2:09 PM on October 25, 2012 [6 favorites]


I fact-checked a piece about Fieri once, and the name change from "Ferry" came up. I was left with the strong impression that Guy didn't want a name that sounded like "fairy."

I was sad. Dude is from Northern California; I didn't see that coming at all.
posted by purpleclover at 2:14 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm shocked to discover that a restaurant in Times Square has over-priced, shitty food. Round up the usual suspects.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:20 PM on October 25, 2012 [6 favorites]


with rudy giuliani in the kitchen.

Seriously, I would totally chip in and order a plate of My Pet Goat Cheese Poppers, if it puts Giuliani on dishwasher duty, elbow-deep in steam, cigarette ashes, and greasy plates.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:36 PM on October 25, 2012 [4 favorites]


9/11 Was An Inside Cobb Salad
posted by griphus at 3:04 PM on October 25, 2012 [23 favorites]


Try the Building Seven Chocolate Souflee--collapses right in your mouth, every time!
posted by TheRedArmy at 3:13 PM on October 25, 2012 [6 favorites]


This is the first of a planned 15 locations in American colleges over the next five years. On the menu: "a broad selection of sandwiches, pasta, tacos, quesadillas, rice bowls, salads, soups and burritos." Also: Guy's famous Vegas Fries, "a rockin' recipe inspired by Guy's college days featuring extra crispy spuds tossed in buffalo sauce and served with a side of bleu cheese."

Also, mintcake's famous Jersey Juicebox, a cocktail inspired by his college days featuring a baby carrot accidentally dropped into a bottle of Zima, served with half a bag of taco Doritos and the smug satisfaction of having recently read a whole bunch of Derrida.
posted by mintcake! at 3:26 PM on October 25, 2012 [7 favorites]


When the waitstaff bring over the cart of Lettuce Rolls, definitely partake. But don't ask if they have any fresh yellowcake for dessert, even as a joke. They never have any in and they know you know they can't find any.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:51 PM on October 25, 2012 [8 favorites]


Rules For Rockin'
Rule #45: Anything described as "rockin'" is 100% not "rockin.'"
See also: "Choice!" "Tits!" and "kick-ass!"
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 3:53 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


I'm gonna guess that Guy really doesn't give a shit. He has a little window in time to profit his ass off before his 15 minutes is up.

He's apparently already a multi-millionaire, so ...
posted by kenko at 4:01 PM on October 25, 2012


"The conflation of Guy Fieri with America itself begins as soon as one can discern his storefront signage"

Unnecessary words in this sentence would include "itself" and "as soon as one can discern," which could easily be replaced with ... well, with "with." "As soon as one can discern" is doing no work here, either substantively or musically. And it's all like that.


I don't know. To me, "itself" revs up the exasperated tone and "as soon as one can discern" suggests that it's not easy to discern things in this visually crowded and overstimulating place. Maybe I'm a lousy reader, but I quite enjoyed the writing.
posted by treepour at 5:28 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


According to Wikipedia: "He lives in Northern California with his wife Lori, sons Hunter and Ryder, and his dog Rockstar."

Dude has kids named Hunter and Ryder and a motherfucking dog named motherfucking Rockstar.
posted by item at 5:35 PM on October 25, 2012 [8 favorites]


AND ALL OF THEIR TIPS ARE MOTHERFUCKING FROSTED!!
posted by MCMikeNamara at 5:43 PM on October 25, 2012 [9 favorites]


"... an endless loop of Mr. Fieri opening his goatee-framed sphincter-mouth to welcome a panoply of fried matter ..."

God, I'm hungry.
posted by clvrmnky at 5:57 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


My favorite part of the review was that I got to learn three awesome new words:

escutcheon - a shield or emblem bearing a coat of arms

goonish - idiotic (but a much better way to say it)

shibboleth - a custom, principle, or belief distinguishing a group of people
posted by sixohsix at 6:10 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


I wish more Guy Fieri/Paula Deen critics would finish their aesthetic case against the food before veering off to discuss obesity and authenticity and the American Dream, which should really all be secondary to the sufficient condition of poor taste. As I see it, the underlying error is the rejection of balance as an artistic virtue and the assumption that more buffalo sauce, more butter, and more pork belly are monotonically good. It's easy to spot these kinds of crimes against good taste when you're sitting under a beer-can eagle in Times Square, but the really hard thing is identifying them in places that have all the trappings of authenticity and care.

This concludes my Guy Fieri meta-criticism.
posted by ecmendenhall at 7:04 PM on October 25, 2012 [4 favorites]


"Mr. Fieri is the culinary equivalent of the gun lobby

Would this be the NRA, Jews For The Preservation of Firearms Ownership (jpfo.org) or the GOA style of 'gun obby'?

And why are all the 'cooking stars' hosting shows of what others are cooking?
posted by rough ashlar at 7:32 PM on October 25, 2012


a restaurant in Times Square has over-priced, shitty food.

A good point that spawns this question - as I don't speak Arabic, has anyone double checked the Bin Laden tapes that he was not complaining about the bad food and wanted it wiped from the face of the Earth back in sept 2001?*

*what? Too soon?
posted by rough ashlar at 7:37 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


Not only did they not sue him, they wrote a cookbook together.

Absolutely nothing in that article makes any sense. I don't want to live in this world.


Ugh, these clowns teaming up together. Smash Mouth. Guy Fieri. The Cookbook. I know what I'm getting for the office's Yankee Swap this holiday season.

What do you get when the 5 members of Smash Mouth insert a penny into each of their rectums?
Nickelback

posted by porn in the woods at 7:39 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


This was the first proof I've come across that Guy Fieri is a real person and not a made-up figment of the DadBoner-iverse like Crazy Cooter or Bud Light Platinum.
posted by Space Coyote at 8:56 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


purpleclover: “I fact-checked a piece about Fieri once, and the name change from 'Ferry' came up. I was left with the strong impression that Guy didn't want a name that sounded like 'fairy.' I was sad. Dude is from Northern California; I didn't see that coming at all.”

Yeah, that's the thing about this guy that annoys me the most. "Fairy." Heaven forfend.
posted by koeselitz at 9:45 PM on October 25, 2012


"WHO RUN FLAVORTOWN?"

Dying over here.
posted by bardic at 12:49 AM on October 26, 2012


I'd only eat there if they had a Hobbit special btw.
posted by bardic at 12:50 AM on October 26, 2012


'Shups and 'nums.
posted by josher71 at 4:37 AM on October 26, 2012


Guy Fieri's Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives is the only show worth watching on the Food Network.

If you want to get better at cooking, turn off the tv and practice chopping an onion. But watch DDD if you want to celebrate authentic, small-town restauranteurs, honor their kitchen ideas, and encourage their businesses. The places Fieri visits represent the antithesis of Sysco, Olive Garden, and the rest of corporatized, profit-maximizing "fast casual" dining. That's why I'm surprised more people aren't praising Fieri for DDD. If nothing else, recognizing the value of DDD should let the snarkmeisters on this thread enjoy the irony of Fieri's entirely inauthentic tourist trap even more.
posted by hhc5 at 7:17 AM on October 26, 2012 [7 favorites]


I liked old Times Square much better. The restaurant would have fit the old place far better.
posted by Goofyy at 7:52 AM on October 26, 2012


With the hookers and the peep shows and the crack dealers? Hm.
posted by elizardbits at 7:55 AM on October 26, 2012


elizardbits: "With the hookers and the peep shows and the crack dealers? Hm."

It was sleazy but by god it had character.
posted by boo_radley at 7:56 AM on October 26, 2012


...sons Hunter and Ryder,

Ryder?? Why not "Gatherer?"
posted by Floydd at 8:04 AM on October 26, 2012 [3 favorites]


"Hey guys, can I interest you in some Flight 93 Hero-lapeño Wings? Or some Pentagonion Rings? Tonight's special is the Chicken Giuliani, and the Twin Towertini is killer.

Don't fill up on the Let's Rolls® before the food arrives!

If nothing else, recognizing the value of DDD should let the snarkmeisters on this thread enjoy the irony of Fieri's entirely inauthentic tourist trap even more.

I think it's possible to appreciate the kinds of places that Fieri's food television calls attention to (which I do) and still regard Fieri as nothing but a very rich clown. Still, I could see the appeal of visiting FLAVORTOWN just for the bathos (mmm, bathos!) but only if someone else was paying.
posted by octobersurprise at 8:35 AM on October 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


Rock Steady: ""Hey guys, can I interest you in some Flight 93 Hero-lapeño Wings? Or some Pentagonion Rings? Tonight's special is the Chicken Giuliani, and the Twin Towertini is killer. Save room for New York's Finest and Bravest Chocolate Cake!""

I think the healing, she has begun.


Hmm... let me try this.

What's worse than a new album from the Red Hot Chili Peppers?
9/11

Hey, it really works!
posted by porn in the woods at 9:01 AM on October 26, 2012


My favorite review so far is The Un-Guide to Drinkin' in FLAVOR TOWN,
"On to the wine, which is a short list of gems from the bottom shelf of your local bodega, all long on residual sugar. For our calamari course it's a tough choice between the half bottle of Korbel (which retails around $8) for $44, or Sutter Home White Zinfandel (which retails for $4) for $36. The Sutter Home, based on nothing but sheer hilarity, seems like the better deal. Plus, the last time I drank Sutter Home it was in a four pack of half bottles and I barfed. It deserves a second chance. Turns out that the best thing about drinking it again is the irony of it arriving in a wine glass and the fact that I do not throw up."
HOLY SHIT!! 36$ FOR A BOTTLE OF STAGGER HOME WINE!!! Guy should at least offer bottles of Thunderbird for 20.
posted by octobersurprise at 9:22 AM on October 26, 2012 [4 favorites]


Fieri was the head of the death camps and personally oversaw the deaths of five billion people. Because of this he came to be regarded as the third and final Antichrist, as no other human in history was responsible for more death and suffering.
posted by destrius at 10:44 AM on October 26, 2012 [4 favorites]


.Guy Fieri's Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives is the only show worth watching on the Food Network.

A few years ago I spent a lot of time at a friend's place and his girlfriend was a chef who always had the Food Network on. There were two shows I really liked watching with her, one was DD&D, the other was 3 young guys in Toronto who each week would pick one food item (eg. I remember seeing episodes on ice cream, bagels, etc) and have to make that from absolute scratch. Like, for the bagels episode they knocked a hole through the roof of their apartment to make a wind powered bagel oven. Does anyone know what the name of that show was, and whether it's still on?
posted by mannequito at 12:12 PM on October 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


Mannequito, that was probably Food Jammers.
posted by sevenyearlurk at 1:52 PM on October 26, 2012


They actually had a decent show idea a few years back, which they rigged up for one guy who lost the "Next star" contest but people loved him -- Will Work For Food, which was sort of like Dirty Jobs only exclusively dealing with food-related jobs.

....DD&D is a good idea in principle, but I liked Feasting on Asphalt's take better (and I also preferred that it had Alton Brown in it instead of Guy Fieri).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:56 PM on October 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


yes! that was it sevenyearlurk, thanks.
posted by mannequito at 2:12 PM on October 26, 2012


So guess who's gonna try and ride Guy's coat-tails to Flavortown? Sandrunk Lee has a new show Taverns, Lounges & Clubs
Sandra Lee's Taverns, Lounges & Clubs brings you into the coolest bars in America for one-of-a-kind cocktails. From neighborhood watering holes to elegant cocktail lounges, Sandra will jump behind the bar to catch all the bartender's best tricks and recipes, head into the kitchen to find out what's cooking, and definitely tip back a few with the regulars. Fun never tasted so good.
posted by ob1quixote at 8:25 AM on October 27, 2012


As Not Seen on TV—Restaurant Review: Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar in Times Square, Pete Wells, The New York Times, 13 November 2012
When you saw the burger described as “Guy’s Pat LaFrieda custom blend, all-natural Creekstone Farm Black Angus beef patty, LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion + pickle), SMC (super-melty-cheese) and a slathering of Donkey Sauce on garlic-buttered brioche,” did your mind touch the void for a minute?
The only sentence in the entire review that is not a snarky question is the final, sarcastic, "Thanks." Needless to say, the Mr. Wells did not enjoy the restaurant.
posted by ob1quixote at 4:23 PM on November 13, 2012 [12 favorites]


So guess who's gonna try and ride Guy's coat-tails to Flavortown? Sandrunk Lee has a new show Taverns, Lounges & Clubs

Whenever I hear someone speculate about a possible Andrew Cuomo 2016 run for president I imagine Michelle Obama's organic vegetable garden replaced by a pantry full of canned vegetable. And alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol.
posted by Room 641-A at 11:09 PM on November 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


Just came here to link that NYTimes review as well. Good read!
posted by dabug at 9:44 AM on November 14, 2012


Oops.....didnt see this when I made my FPP.

See the review for Ninja for a similar takedown.
posted by lalochezia at 10:14 AM on November 14, 2012


Is this where I come to appreciate cortex's reasons for deleting the many and varied double-posts?
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 11:25 AM on November 14, 2012 [4 favorites]


The only bad thing about the NY Times review is that I love the way it is written so much, I want to eat at the restaurant so that I can also enjoy it if it is accurate. I have the same reaction to Roger Ebert's 0-star reviews.

If this doesn't happen, I would like to request the NY Mefites have a meetup there and live tweet it.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:46 AM on November 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


I second that request.
posted by griphus at 11:46 AM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


I will pitch in towards buying everyone drinks if you do. Oh man.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 11:57 AM on November 14, 2012


Can we donate to this effort online?
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 12:00 PM on November 14, 2012


I fact-checked a piece about Fieri once, and the name change from 'Ferry' came up. I was left with the strong impression that Guy didn't want a name that sounded like 'fairy.' I was sad. Dude is from Northern California; I didn't see that coming at all.

Bryan Ferry has gotten more action than this guy has had hot dinners.
posted by Dr-Baa at 12:03 PM on November 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


I posted a Guy Fieri meetup. Let's see if anyone bites.
posted by griphus at 12:08 PM on November 14, 2012


Well, let me apologize in advance then... though I'm tempted to buy a plane ticket. Except then i remember the line "Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish?" and I vomit a little.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:23 PM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


I will pitch in towards buying everyone drinks if you do. Oh man.

If you cover the cost of alcohol, I will absolutely go, hell yeah.

I will take photos and blog the experience and maybe draw little comics based on the interactions. These will be more interesting depending on how much I am drink to there, and therefore how garrulous I get with the staff.
posted by Greg Nog at 12:24 PM on November 14, 2012 [3 favorites]


"how much I am drink to there"

20 ounces, same as in town
posted by Greg Nog at 12:43 PM on November 14, 2012


What is Donkey Sauce? Does anyone know?
posted by Area Man at 1:35 PM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


picture of people who are not guy fieri.
posted by subtle-t at 1:39 PM on November 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


What is Donkey Sauce? Does anyone know?

Whatever it is, it probably tastes like ass.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:40 PM on November 14, 2012 [5 favorites]


This Donkey Sauce presents a mystery to be unraveled. What could it be? (It involves mustard, mayo, Worcestershire, and garlic, apparently.)
via

Although the first hit when you Google "donkey sauce" is a TMZ post titled "'Fear Factor' Semen Drinker."
posted by griphus at 1:41 PM on November 14, 2012 [3 favorites]


Oh my god, that menu. I swear that DadBoner really did write it.
posted by jbickers at 2:18 PM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


What's weird about the menu is that it makes me hungry and nauseous at the same time.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:28 PM on November 14, 2012


The best part of the NYT review is in the notes section at the end:

SERVICE The well-meaning staff seems to realize that this is not a real restaurant.
posted by lalex at 2:33 PM on November 14, 2012 [4 favorites]


On the kids' menu, the description for "PBJ" (twelve dollars and ninety-five cents) is exactly as follows:

Peanut, butter and jelly + fries

WHAT IS UP WITH THAT COMMA GUY FIERI
posted by Sys Rq at 2:50 PM on November 14, 2012 [17 favorites]


Recipe:

One peanut
One butter pat
One scoop jelly.
Two slices of bread
800 "Natural Cut" French Fries
posted by zarq at 2:53 PM on November 14, 2012 [3 favorites]


It does not say anything about bread.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:56 PM on November 14, 2012 [6 favorites]


Put it all on the fries.
posted by sweetkid at 3:08 PM on November 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


There have been 5 duplicate posts (I'm guilty of one - apologies, but a tag like guyfieri might have helped)

I thought for one horrible minute Metafilter has been the subject of some 4chan-style Innocent-moi? style spammage.

See for sadism: Battletoads and Shag Carpets
posted by lalochezia at 3:16 PM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


Sys Rq: "It does not say anything about bread."

Doesn't the "B" stand for... oh.
posted by zarq at 3:17 PM on November 14, 2012


220 West 44th Street
Between 7th and 8th Ave
New York, NY 10036
646 532 GUYS


Someone who is uncomfortable around gay dudes gives his restaurant a phone number that otherwise suggests an all-male pool cleaning/escort service. This irony is about the only delicious item on the menu.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:56 PM on November 14, 2012 [10 favorites]


I've never really seen footage of this guy, other than Bobby Moynihan's impression of him on SNL.

But when I first saw that impression, I thought, "Huh. They gave the guy from Smashmouth a cooking show or something?"
posted by not_on_display at 4:18 PM on November 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


Oh my, Guy -- Bryan Williams just did a segment about this review on NBC Nightly News.
posted by ericb at 5:12 PM on November 14, 2012


I loved that NYT review but...yeah, it's a bit harsh. Poor Guy. He just wants to have a good time, riding around in his car, saying things are 'Off the hook' and talking about 'big flavor'. He probably isn't too invested in the restaurant and was just told it would be a good advertisement/money maker. As he is, for the Food Network. But really, Bubba Ray's isn't feeling the heat, nor is Olive Garden. Guy never claimed to be a great cook/chef, he is in the Rachel Ray world of 'food personalities', people that speak to the 'common person' and make tasty non-judgemental food. I AM judgemental, so I will probably never eat there (un-ironically, anyway) but I feel a bit bad for the guy. He's gonna need two black armbands tomorrow.
posted by bquarters at 6:36 PM on November 14, 2012


Greg, sweetie, I will buy you TWO of the blue radiator fluid drinks if you all go. TWO. But you have to drink them. This is what's known as a fool's bargain.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 7:16 PM on November 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


I like how everything has been fried "to perfection".
posted by ifjuly at 7:36 PM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


And on a more serious note, I appreciate that Wells makes a point to indicate that Guy's show and the places he goes are one thing, and not at all a bad thing, and this is sort of like a poopy simulacra of said thing. 'Cause laugh all you want at The Guy, dunno about y'all but the places he's gone to in my neck of the woods are in fact dive-y local best kept secrets (or were 'til he came and exposed them...).
posted by ifjuly at 7:38 PM on November 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


not_on_display: "I've never really seen footage of this guy, other than Bobby Moynihan's impression of him on SNL. But when I first saw that impression, I thought, 'Huh. They gave the guy from Smashmouth a cooking show or something?'"

This has already been addressed upthread, but one of the things I learned in this thread was that Smash Mouth and Guy Fieri actually wrote a cookbook together.
posted by koeselitz at 7:40 PM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


I used to love watching DD&D at the gym while aerobicizing my ass. I'm a huge fan of comically grotesque food. Looking at it, not eating it. But then, the rumors of his homophobia. And I could not get behind Team Fieri any longer. Chiefly because gay people behind him apparently terrify him.
posted by Lieber Frau at 6:38 AM on November 15, 2012


Guy Fieri on critic: 'He came in with a different agenda'

My favorite part:
And while Fieri is often the butt of the joke in chef circles — a notoriously tough crowd — a few of them even took his side.
Food Network host Alton Brown tweeted Tuesday: "I am planning on visiting Guy Fieri's NYC eatery this weekend because it can't be as bad as all those snooty New Yorkers say. #wishmeluck"
"It can't be as bad as they say" -- now there's a ringing endorsement!
posted by tonycpsu at 7:23 AM on November 15, 2012 [5 favorites]


Fixed link for Guy Fieri's response that tonycpsu mentioned. Fieri took the high road.

Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives is a good show. I'd love to know more about the research team that actually selects the places. Fieri has a remarkable skill in walking in to a place and building an instant rapport, figuring out what's interesting about the restaurant and bringing it out. Doubly impressive because I bet he only spends a few hours at each featured place. There's a whole team behind him doing the rest of the work, and they are good too.

Since this thread got posted I've gone twice to the Johnny Garlic's in Roseville, CA. First time was a very good burger. Second time was OK. It's basically a Chili's / TGIFriday / Applebee's, but with a bit more freshness and more spice in the food. It's not bad. Manhattan could use more places like that which aren't total dives. It helps the restaurant doesn't indulge too much in the cult of celebrity.
posted by Nelson at 7:54 AM on November 15, 2012 [2 favorites]


Whoops. Thanks, Nelson!
posted by tonycpsu at 8:01 AM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


Fieri's show turned me on to my favorite barbecue place on the East coast (Chap's Pit Beef, in Baltimore), so it's got that going for it.

Plus I have fond memories of the time he got roped into featuring a place that specialized in such bland, cream-of-mushroom-base zero-effort crap that instead of a segment on how they make their signature dish, it was a segment on Guy Fieri making their signature dish edible.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 8:07 AM on November 15, 2012


The Today show's segment on the review and the restaurant this morning was one of the most disgusting acts of aw-shucks-we're-jes-folks "journalism" (with a big scoop of conflict of interest on the side) I've ever seen. It was pretty amazing how blatantly it was framed as "those mean snobs at the NYT were total jerkheads to Hero of the Common Man Guy Fieri (who just happens to collect a paycheck from NBC)."
posted by COBRA! at 8:08 AM on November 15, 2012


Lest I come off too much like a snob in my tastes in this thread, I want to go on record that:

a Chili's / TGIFriday / Applebee's, but with a bit more freshness and more spice in the food

sounds fucking delightful to me.

And that's why I'm so intrigued by the idea of a place that could inspire a review like this. Is it truly that bad? Or is it just a typical chain restaurant that, because it has a "celebrity" "chef" is getting a lot of ire?

(Yes, I realize that we're talking about two different restaurants here. But the feeling is the same.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:09 AM on November 15, 2012


"This is important American food that makes a lot of people very happy," Wells told the New York Times public editor. "And since that's the case, you ought to do it right."
posted by Nelson at 8:33 AM on November 15, 2012 [3 favorites]


During the TODAY Professionals segment, advertising expert Donny Deutsch weighed in with his advice, telling Fieri to own his everyman image and continue to connect with customers.
"Walk right in and say, 'Yeah, we’re not for critics, we’re for you and me,'" Deutsch said.


NOT FOR THE CRITICS
posted by Greg Nog at 8:58 AM on November 15, 2012 [2 favorites]


"those mean snobs at the NYT were total jerkheads to Hero of the Common Man Guy Fieri (who just happens to collect a paycheck from NBC)."

Does he? Huh. They canceled his game show back in May.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:05 AM on November 15, 2012


The Braiser: After Scathing Review, NYT Held 160-Person Party At Guy Fieri’s Restaurant:
An employee at Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar confirmed that the Times held a party there last night, with an estimated “150 to 160″ people attending…

The New York Times now confirms the event: “The Times ad sales department hosted an event for clients at the restaurant last night. The event was planned two months ago.”
Awkward.
posted by grouse at 10:07 AM on November 15, 2012 [6 favorites]


I get what the restaurant is trying to do there, grouse, but a careful reading of this line actually reinforces the content of the review (emphasis mine): The Times ad sales department hosted an event for clients at the restaurant last night.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:46 AM on November 15, 2012


The Times ad sales department hosted an event for clients at the restaurant last night.

Oh, so it's just the people who keep the paper in business who were fed the inedible shit?

(If I owned NYT stock, I'd be selling it now.)
posted by Sys Rq at 10:55 AM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


Knowing ad guys and the guys at companies who deal with the ad guys, this sounds like a dare that got out of hand.
posted by griphus at 11:00 AM on November 15, 2012 [2 favorites]


Yeah, I still think it's awkward. I mean, if you believe that journalism should have a Chinese wall between editorial and advertising, then it actually shines a positive light on the NYT. So there's that.

But those aren't the same people who were fed food that the other side of the wall called "inedible" -- so, yeah, awkward enough for me.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:00 AM on November 15, 2012


What do you mean Guy Fieri's restaurant isn't awesome, NYT critic?, Gwynedd Stuart, Creative Loafing—Atlanta, 15 November 2012
[…]I have a hard time believing that a seasoned NYT critic entered the building expecting to be satisfied by the dining experience. And, look! It turned out to be awful! But even if Fieri's public shaming is justified, the exercise still seems kind of boring, predictable, and, dare I say it, a little bit mean.
posted by ob1quixote at 12:25 PM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


Art Critic Snake nails it. (from MeFi's own The Whelk)
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:49 PM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


DadBoner responds to the review on behalf of Guy Fieri.
posted by jbickers at 6:17 PM on November 15, 2012 [3 favorites]


Gringo Sushi
Guy was rockin' the Gringo Sushi long before he was on Food Network. Innovator...not imitator!

Big Bird on Fire $6.45
Blackened chicken breast, rice paper, sushi rice & natural cut fries. Garnished with sweet chili sauce.

Hidden Chicken $7.25
Thin slices of teriyaki chicken, rice paper, sushi rice, avocado, tangerine, crushed wontons & iceberg lettuce. Served with teriyaki dipping sauce.

Jackass Roll $7.45
BBQ pork, rice paper, sushi rice, avocado, natural cut fries & a garlic chili mayo sauce.

Kemosabe Roll $6.75
BBQ tri tip, rice paper, sushi rice, natural cut fries, crispy onions & a garlic chili mayo sauce.
posted by ninjew at 11:13 PM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


Damn, y'all, Helen Rosner just nailed it. (Helen is one of the editors of Saveur magazine, but this isn't a whole "snooty foodie is snooty" thing at all.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:03 AM on November 16, 2012 [5 favorites]


first you'll gobble, then you'll scream.
posted by subtle-t at 10:46 AM on November 16, 2012 [1 favorite]


I agree with Helen Rosner's take.

Especially this:
Because the thing is, Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives is actually a great show. On it, Guy does this really wonderful, tremendously generous thing where he takes restaurants that are inexpensive and unpretentious (and largely without the unsettling veneer of sanitized cultural appropriation that comes standard with most New York journalist-approved dives), and praises them without concern for anything but the sheer deliciousness of their food. Guy’s unironic, never-say-”guilty-pleasure” embrace of good food regardless of provenance was almost entirely unique on television, or in almost any media, when the show launched in 2006. (For context: 2006 is the year Serious Eats and Grub Street launched. Eater came into existence in 2005.)

... He taught us that instead we could go to a restaurant that tells a story about its city or region, or at least about its ex-biker proprietor, and that in fact going to that restaurant and supporting that act of culinary storytelling was a really, really, really good thing. In a not-so-small way, Guy Fieri changed the way literally millions of people thought about dining. He taught people to readjust their judgment of “quality” from an axis of cheap-to-expensive to an axis of undelicious-to-delicious, which is—get real now—precisely how the world should be.
I enjoy watching 'Diners, Drive-ins and Dives.' Fieri really does highlight local talent which creates great food.

But, Guy -- you really have to do something about your homophobia. Just sayin'.
posted by ericb at 8:57 PM on November 17, 2012


NEW! Screaming Gobbler $7.95 Roasted turkey, jalapenos, pepper jack, avocados, green onions, mayonnaise and sriracha mayonnaise wrapped in sushi rice and tapioca paper. First you’ll gobble, then you’ll scream.

Pepper jack cheese and turkey sushi.

That does not sound terribly appetizing.
posted by zarq at 4:45 AM on November 18, 2012


SNL's reaction didn't make it to air. But that's what the internet is for: Dress rehearsal video.
posted by zinon at 4:39 PM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


He taught people to readjust their judgment of “quality” from an axis of cheap-to-expensive to an axis of undelicious-to-delicious, which is—get real now—precisely how the world should be.

It's true, but it just makes it all the more offensive that his own restaurants serve food that's on the wrong end of both those axes.
posted by Sys Rq at 6:46 PM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


Pepper jack cheese and turkey sushi.

To be honest, I would hit that in a hot second. Like half things on his menus seem like ideas I came up with while super high.
posted by Greg Nog at 7:28 PM on November 19, 2012 [4 favorites]


To be honest, I would hit that in a hot second. Like half things on his menus seem like ideas I came up with while super high.

Yeah, but then you come down to reality and realize you've eaten cheetos dipped in flan and fried in bacon grease.
posted by zarq at 10:24 AM on November 20, 2012


I REGRET NOTHING
posted by griphus at 10:29 AM on November 20, 2012 [3 favorites]


Somewhere in my pictures folder is a slice of pizza piled high with Chinese food and ranch dressing. I am proud that, at the time of its creation, I had the foresight to take a photo of My Brilliant Idea.
posted by Greg Nog at 11:27 AM on November 20, 2012


What is a munchy box? (Previously on MetaFilter.)
posted by grouse at 11:29 AM on November 20, 2012


I am pretty sure the Munchy Box creation myth is just the Prometheus story but with arteriosclerosis instead of eagles.
posted by griphus at 11:42 AM on November 20, 2012 [1 favorite]


Also if anyone in NYC knows where to get one, I will personally either buy or not buy you one, depending on what you'd prefer.
posted by griphus at 11:44 AM on November 20, 2012 [1 favorite]


A few years ago I stumbled drunk into a pizzeria sometime in the wee hours and, seeing that they were serving so furiously that the slices were cut from a whole pie with each order, I asked for "two slices, but don't cut them apart."

The guy behind the counter didn't understand.

"Two slices. But don't cut them apart. One big slice."

"I'll still have to charge you for two."

"I know, but I want one big slice so I can fold it in half and pretend I'm really tiny."

It was glorious. And they served beer. But there was no Chinese food on top.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:46 AM on November 20, 2012 [2 favorites]


half things on his menus seem like ideas I came up with while super high.

Kathryn Jean Lopez stuffs 10 White Castle burgers up a turkey's ass; fights to rule Flavor Town.
posted by octobersurprise at 11:52 AM on November 20, 2012


stuffs 10 White Castle burgers up a turkey's ass

mrs ozzy, who would rather drive through a war zone than a White Castle, came across that recipe in the newspaper coupon section last night and actually suggested that it might be pretty good (which it would be; it's bread and a little meat and a fuckton of onions).
posted by uncleozzy at 12:01 PM on November 20, 2012


I am pretty sure the Munchy Box creation myth is just the Prometheus story

*crouches my huge ripped albino body on edge of cliff*
*pours Munchy Box into mouth*
*Tacos and pizza course through my bloodstream before I disintegrate, seeding the planet with grease*
posted by Greg Nog at 12:21 PM on November 20, 2012


plot twist: earth is conquered by xenomorphs made of chicken wings
posted by elizardbits at 12:27 PM on November 20, 2012 [1 favorite]


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