What would happen if the various James Bonds fought eaxh other?

October 30, 2012 10:10 AM

The various James Bonds fight one another
posted by Seekerofsplendor (61 comments total)

Jameses Bond?
posted by Rock Steady at 10:16 AM on October 30, 2012 [9 favorites]

Damn you, Rock Steady!
posted by phl at 10:17 AM on October 30, 2012

Everyone wins except Lazenby? "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" is a classic!
posted by leotrotsky at 10:18 AM on October 30, 2012 [3 favorites]

Bond is unbelievable; Connery vs Moore, moreso.
posted by zippy at 10:19 AM on October 30, 2012

This video has a decidedly anti-Connery bias. I suspect it's the product of astroturfing by big Roger.
posted by Atom Eyes at 10:20 AM on October 30, 2012 [7 favorites]

Choosing everyone's least favorite Bond is a great way to dodge fanboy controversy.

By the way, when I write "everyone's least favorite" your creepy uncle doesn't count as an objector.
posted by seansbrain at 10:21 AM on October 30, 2012

Spoiler: your favourite Bond may not win. Also, George Lazenby doesn't get rematch.
posted by MuffinMan at 10:22 AM on October 30, 2012

Oh, except Sean wins in the very first round.
*removes tin foil hat*
posted by Atom Eyes at 10:23 AM on October 30, 2012

I think they'd be more likely to sleep with themselves.
posted by blue_beetle at 10:31 AM on October 30, 2012 [6 favorites]

I have always held out hope for a Bond Reunion movie, where the idea that James Bond is as much of an assigned title as 007. So you start with a new Bond being shown the ropes by his soon to be retired predecessor - except that someone is killing off all the past Bonds! So mentor and mentee have to travel the world to track down the assassin and save the remaining Bonds. Along the way, you see what has become of the Bonds of yesteryear. Connery lives a simple life in a simple town (that also happens to be populated exclusively by ex-spies and soldiers), Moore has replaced Octopussy as the head of a floating pleasure palace, Dalton is a grizzled and bitter red herring who is missing limbs thanks to his service, Brosnan is a minister in the agency and is being groomed to be the next M, and Craig is about to be drummed out of the service and obviously objects to being made to train his own replacement.

The villain, of course, is Lazenby, out to fulfill the promise he made to himself when his wife was murdered in front of him. After climbing out of his depression, he's spent years assembling his plan for vengeance, eventually usurping command of SMERSH following the fall of the Iron Curtain.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 10:32 AM on October 30, 2012 [68 favorites]

That was superb.
posted by Brockles at 10:33 AM on October 30, 2012

If it was an actual physical fight, with each actor in their prime, Connery would probably be the strongest - although I have a feeling Craig would fight dirty.
posted by Egg Shen at 10:34 AM on October 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

So mentor and mentee have to travel the world to track down the assassin and save the remaining Bonds.

Great as that concept is, it's not as great as the one my brain conjured up when I misread that as "manatee".
posted by phl at 10:36 AM on October 30, 2012 [13 favorites]

But seriously, it would come down to Connery vs. Craig, hand to hand. Connery has the size but Craig is more ruthless.
posted by Ber at 10:37 AM on October 30, 2012 [2 favorites]

Dammit, Robocop is Bleeding, once again you've pitched a movie I would pay cash money to watch but will never see. Also I would totally root for Lazenby (my favorite Bond).
posted by KingEdRa at 10:37 AM on October 30, 2012

(and despite the fact that they're herbivores, I just want to say this: Licence to Krill.)
posted by phl at 10:38 AM on October 30, 2012 [2 favorites]

robocop is bleeding: I have always held out hope for a Bond Reunion movie, where the idea that James Bond is as much of an assigned title as 007. So you start with a new Bond being shown the ropes by his soon to be retired predecessor - except that someone is killing off all the past Bonds!

"A man is the sum of his memories you know--a Time Lord 00-Agent even more so."
posted by RonButNotStupid at 10:39 AM on October 30, 2012 [2 favorites]

I have always held out hope for a Bond Reunion movie, where the idea that James Bond is as much of an assigned title as 007.

I rewatched Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace over the weekend, and tried watching with the assumption that the "'James Bond' is just a title" theory is true. It actually worked pretty well. I think the fact that (in these films) his past is kept hazily defined helps -- plus the fact that he uses a lot of aliases, but very deliberately uses "James Bond" when he wants people to know who he is -- since everyone seems to recognize the "James Bond" name!
posted by El Sabor Asiatico at 10:39 AM on October 30, 2012 [2 favorites]

Also: there's so much brand name dropping in these films that when "James Bond" is mentioned it sounds like just another brand. (Which I guess it is, so...)
posted by El Sabor Asiatico at 10:42 AM on October 30, 2012

No Woody Allen? What a gyp.
posted by grubi at 10:42 AM on October 30, 2012 [6 favorites]

Bond in a Nutshell: Roger Moore, Pussy Galore
posted by chavenet at 10:43 AM on October 30, 2012

I have always held out hope for a Bond Reunion movie, where the idea that James Bond is as much of an assigned title as 007. So you start with a new Bond being shown the ropes by his soon to be retired predecessor - except that someone is killing off all the past Bonds!

So, a serious, non-comedy version of Casino Royale? I'd pay to see that, yeah.
posted by The World Famous at 10:46 AM on October 30, 2012

RonButNotStupid:
"A man is the sum of his memories you know--a Time Lord 00-Agent even more so."

By this assumption, Timothy Dalton's Bond would win since he's also Rassilon.
posted by charred husk at 10:46 AM on October 30, 2012 [5 favorites]

No Woody Allen? What a gyp.

Came here to say this.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:47 AM on October 30, 2012

Connery has the size but Craig is more ruthless.

Oh sure, Bond Connery, but Zardoz Connery would own.
posted by zippy at 10:49 AM on October 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

I hate it when I'm beaten to the Zardoz joke.
posted by COBRA! at 10:51 AM on October 30, 2012 [4 favorites]

By this assumption, Timothy Dalton's Bond would win since he's also Rassilon.

Remember: to lose is to win and he who wins shall lose!
posted by RonButNotStupid at 10:52 AM on October 30, 2012

I have always held out hope for a Bond Reunion movie, where the idea that James Bond is as much of an assigned title as 007. So you start with a new Bond being shown the ropes by his soon to be retired predecessor - except that someone is killing off all the past Bonds!


Replace Bond with John McClane, and you just described Looper.

Or the first 2/3, at least.
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 10:56 AM on October 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

I wish people would stop poking fun at George Lazenby. His one movie is actually one of the better outings ( Telly Savalas as Blofeld! Diana Rigg as Mrs. Bond! ), and Lazenby seemed pretty game for the role, without taking himself too seriously. I'd rather see another one like that than the current humorless, brutal thug incarnation of the character.
posted by KHAAAN! at 11:02 AM on October 30, 2012 [2 favorites]

Direct YTL
posted by laconic skeuomorph at 11:05 AM on October 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

I would have enjoyed moore match-ups, but I guess you only live twice.
posted by orme at 11:18 AM on October 30, 2012

I think they'd be more likely to sleep with themselves.

Yes, I was hoping for something like this classic of the genre.
posted by Beardman at 11:18 AM on October 30, 2012 [2 favorites]

Eponysterical.
posted by mazola at 11:51 AM on October 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm sorry, did somebody seriously suggest that this guy could take this guy?

Daniel Craig is the only one in the group who looks like he could survive a real fight. With anybody.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 12:02 PM on October 30, 2012

So if the "'James Bond' is just a title" theory is true how come he get's 2 code names? 007 and James Bond. Why not just 007?

Why are they all alcoholic, womenizing, psychopaths? MI6 would never select for these traits purposely amongst several generations of replacements. Maybe a touch of psychopathology is helpful to the job?

Why are they all orphans?

Why do all women want to be with them while all men want to be them?

Why do we care?
posted by Che boludo! at 12:13 PM on October 30, 2012

robocop, that's excellent.

I am totally convinced by the idea that "James Bond" is a title like "Dread Pirate Roberts". It's the only way to make sense of the fellow's longevity and variable personality.
posted by Mars Saxman at 12:13 PM on October 30, 2012

Che boludo!: So if the "'James Bond' is just a title" theory is true how come he get's 2 code names? 007 and James Bond. Why not just 007?

It might be a little too Jason Bourne-ian, but I'm envisioning some kind of subliminal programming situation. Perhaps in robocop is bleeding's new film (James Bond Is Bleeding would make a great title, BTW, but personally I'd go with You Never Die Once) the programming is imperfect or thwarted somehow, maybe as part of the plot to kill the old 007s?
posted by Rock Steady at 12:22 PM on October 30, 2012

I'm sorry, did somebody seriously suggest that this guy could take this guy?

Daniel Craig is the only one in the group who looks like he could survive a real fight. With anybody.

Daniel Craig looks prettier, but he does not look tougher. Or are you arguing that 'roid-rage > berserker?
posted by Chuckles at 12:23 PM on October 30, 2012

Che boludo!: "So if the "'James Bond' is just a title" theory is true how come he get's 2 code names? 007 and James Bond. Why not just 007?"

I assume one is the marketing brand name and the other is the internal product code.
posted by vanar sena at 12:33 PM on October 30, 2012 [3 favorites]

I'm sorry, did somebody seriously suggest that this guy could take this guy?

What are you talking about, that's a classic case of looks can kill.
posted by mannequito at 12:44 PM on October 30, 2012

Connery was a big guy, and a former boxer. Craig's probably a dirty fighter, though. Brosnan would be too worried about his hair. Roger Moore would go down like a sack of hairdressers.
posted by Decani at 12:54 PM on October 30, 2012 [6 favorites]

Connery has/had 4 inches height on Craig. Do not underestimate the value of reach!
posted by thedaniel at 12:57 PM on October 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

Connery. It's always Connery. I don't care if you're talking about that knife fight with all the U.S. presidents, it's still Connery standing on the heap of corpses, cigar at a jaunty angle.

Wait, where did the cigar come from?
I have no idea.
posted by Etrigan at 1:00 PM on October 30, 2012 [2 favorites]

Connery was a big guy...
posted by Decani at 15:54 on October 30 [+] [!]

Why the past tense, Decani? WHY THE PAST TENSE?
posted by grubi at 1:14 PM on October 30, 2012

I have always held out hope for a Bond Reunion movie,

Yeah, I can probably ruin this movie. Let's cast the new Bond. Ron Weasley or Jesse Eisenberg?
posted by FJT at 1:16 PM on October 30, 2012

Yeah, I can probably ruin this movie. Let's cast the new Bond. Ron Weasley or Jesse Eisenberg?

Daniel Radcliffe for the win!
posted by Ber at 1:19 PM on October 30, 2012

Yeah, I can probably ruin this movie. Let's cast the new Bond. Ron Weasley or Jesse Eisenberg?

Nah, forget about those sissies. It's got to be this guy.
posted by fuse theorem at 1:19 PM on October 30, 2012 [7 favorites]

Maybe a touch of psychopathology is helpful to the job?

It would absolutely be helpful. That's why the Craig-era Bonds are the only ones I can take halfway seriously. The way he plays the character, it's clear there's just not something quite right with the man.

Roger Moore would go down like a sack of hairdressers.

I had to wait til I stopped laughing at that to be able to type this. Slow clap for you.
posted by regicide is good for you at 1:50 PM on October 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

> mentor and mentee

Mentor and protégé. /pedant
posted by ostranenie at 1:52 PM on October 30, 2012

Lazenby is from Australia. The world's most deadly creatures are from Australia.

QE2, Lazenby wins.
posted by zippy at 1:53 PM on October 30, 2012 [3 favorites]

Nah, forget about those sissies. It's got to be this guy.

whoa, I hadn't heard that possibility, but that might actually get me into a theater for a Bond movie for the first time since ... what was the one after Goldeneye?

I love this quote from Idris as well:

“I’d not only get in the cab [to meet with producers] but I’d take the taxi driver out of the car, hostage…jump out while it was moving, jump onto a pedal bike that was just past the door as I got on it, and then get onto a plane—on the wing—land on top of Sony Studios, slide through the air conditioning, and land in the office,” he said
posted by mannequito at 4:26 PM on October 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

Yeah, yeah.

There can be only one - and I speak of the original 007, who really was on Her Majesty's Secret Service.

Now there's a reboot I'd pay to see.
posted by Devonian at 4:30 PM on October 30, 2012

Nah, forget about those sissies. It's got to be this guy.

Idris Elba as Bond, absolutely.

/Mark as relevant
posted by ersatz at 4:57 PM on October 30, 2012

Not this guy so much.




THIS guy.
posted by louche mustachio at 6:39 PM on October 30, 2012

More of that sort of thing.
posted by louche mustachio at 6:52 PM on October 30, 2012

That was far more amusing than it has any right to be. Bravo.
posted by zardoz at 7:25 PM on October 30, 2012

Where's this petition for Idris Elba to be the next 007? I'd sign that so hard, I'd break the table.
posted by arcticseal at 7:31 PM on October 30, 2012 [2 favorites]

Able saw 700, 007 was Elba.

See, Able Broccoli is the next producer, and there's a casting call, and ...
posted by zippy at 11:18 PM on October 30, 2012

No Woody Allen? What a gyp.

Came here to say this.

Peter Sellers in a bloodstained sweater.
posted by 0rison at 7:33 AM on October 31, 2012

Too bad he couldn't fit a fruiting of Brosnan in that.
posted by surplus at 8:13 AM on October 31, 2012

Daniel Craig looks prettier, but he does not look tougher.

This is the exact opposite of my opinion. Granted, I'm a straight male who has never hit anybody in his life, so it's possible I'm a poor judge of both prettiness and toughness.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 10:21 AM on October 31, 2012