The Confused Notes of a Twilight Newbie Forced to Watch Breaking Dawn – Part 2

November 22, 2012 4:53 PM

Is his face always like that? It's like he washed it with a powdered doughnut. The Confused Notes of a Twilight Newbie Forced to Watch Breaking Dawn – Part 2
posted by Egg Shen (237 comments total)

'Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 2' Is Completely Insane And Actually Worth Watching. Seriously.

posted by Artw at 4:56 PM on November 22, 2012 [5 favorites]

I went to see Skyfall today and both on the way in and on the way out of the multiplex I paused to enjoy the poster with this image on it because that is fucking hilarious.
posted by Egg Shen at 5:02 PM on November 22, 2012

The final twilight movie is basically porn.
posted by The Whelk at 5:07 PM on November 22, 2012 [7 favorites]

Where's Part 1?

Oh, wait.
posted by unSane at 5:23 PM on November 22, 2012

It sounds terrific.
posted by codacorolla at 5:23 PM on November 22, 2012

I not particularly fond of the vampire genre but nevertheless watched Twilight 1, 2 and 3, in hope of entertainment trash cinema. In that respect it was partly successful. I then watched Vampire Diaries, which always felt like "Dawson's Creek but with vampires" to me - again, trashy entertainment but at times good at that. I never even bothered with True Blood.

I did however start watching Buffy a few months back and while at first it was campy with some rather ridiculous moster-of-the-week episodes, the longform narration started to gain some "emotional girth" by the second season and now, mid-third-season I'm watching Buffy 100% un-ironically and enjoying it througout - even on a single-episode-narration level.

What always weirds me out a bit though is how much this other, newer vampire shows/movies/books seem to be inspired by Buffy. In the episode I watched today (3x08 "Lover's Walk") there was this quick pan of Angel reading a Satre book and I couldn't help my self but invest five minutes into some crude photoshopping, neatly fitting the "Confused about Twilight" topic:
http://i.imgur.com/Do1HP.jpg
posted by bigendian at 5:25 PM on November 22, 2012 [35 favorites]

Even the actors in Twilight hate Twilight.
posted by Catblack at 5:28 PM on November 22, 2012 [15 favorites]

Buffy and a interview with The Vampire are basically responsible for the modern, romantic Vampire.

. I never even bothered with True Blood.

Oh if you like trash, TB is nothing but very high quality trash - half naked people covered in blood saying and doing increasing ridiculous things indeed
posted by The Whelk at 5:29 PM on November 22, 2012 [17 favorites]

Let me pose a question. Is there any way to reimagine the vampire, short of making them not drink blood? Seems like there is no more that can be done with them.

Are we doomed to have the same sexy yet world weary vampires simply set in new situations? Sexy Roman centurion or gladiator vampires might be ok. Sexy Far future vampires that can travel for centuries between planets might be interesting.

Is it time for a new type of monster? Zombies have kind of worn thin, and don't really have much sex appeal. Mummies have all the drawbacks of Zombies, and none of the appeal of vampires. Maybe sexy demons? Or sexy ghosts?
posted by Ad hominem at 5:29 PM on November 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'm at work, but if anyone has a Monster Manual handy, I propose adding Sexy to every monster until something sticks.

Or we just go with Sexy Fungi from Yoggoth.
posted by Mezentian at 5:33 PM on November 22, 2012 [24 favorites]

Ad hominem: Is there any way to reimagine the vampire, short of making them not drink blood?

Allow me to introduce you to the Wamphyri.
posted by Decimask at 5:34 PM on November 22, 2012 [7 favorites]

Sexy Roman centurion or gladiator vampires might be ok.

Since Peter Mensah from Spartacus: Blood & Sand was in last season's True Blood, as far as I am concerned this genre already exists.
posted by elizardbits at 5:35 PM on November 22, 2012

They call T-Laut "Wolfy?" Is he the only werewolf? You'd think so, if that generic nickname distinguishes him.

Spoke too soon. Here come some others. Unless those wolves are just wolves and because he is a werewolf he is capable of speaking to all wolves, like a Dr. Dolittle who can only talk to one animal. And that animal is wolves.
posted by Sebmojo at 5:35 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Do these guys even drink blood? They are their own thing.

And yeah, advance notice on what the next vampires/zombies/bacon will be would be good - and profitable.

It's not going to be werewolves. It's never werewolves - perpetual bridesmaids of the monster world.
posted by Artw at 5:35 PM on November 22, 2012 [8 favorites]

You know what we need? Twilight for the forty-something set. Hapless neckwear salesman Russ discovers that he has the powers of flight and supernatural youth, and spends ten hours of film hopping from skyscraper to skyscraper with that nice lady at the donut counter.
posted by Nomyte at 5:35 PM on November 22, 2012 [12 favorites]

Zombies have kind of worn thin, and don't really have much sex appeal.

There is a sexy zombie movie coming out pretty soon actually. I think it's called Warm Bodies?
posted by elizardbits at 5:35 PM on November 22, 2012

I never even bothered with True Blood.

Which is odd because True Blood, while undoubtedly trashy, is often leaps and bounds better than any of the other stuff you mention. No comparison.
posted by Justinian at 5:35 PM on November 22, 2012 [16 favorites]

You know what we need? Twilight for the forty-something set. Hapless neckwear salesman Russ discovers that he has the powers of flight and supernatural youth, and spends ten hours of film hopping from skyscraper to skyscraper with that nice lady at the donut counter.

His name is Christian, and he has a helicopter.
posted by codacorolla at 5:37 PM on November 22, 2012 [11 favorites]

I liked the space travelling, totally sociopathic Science Vampires that crop up from time to time, the totally asocial form of h.sapiens.

One thing totally lost from the vampire archetype that isn't coming back? The religious aspect, they're not affronts to god, thier very existence doesn't prove the existence of God, crosses barely come up anymore ( the retro throwback remakeif Fright Night which had a lot of Buffy people behind it I think deliberately slid in some of the religious stuff along side the Vamoire As Suburbian Serial Killer thing, which was also nice to see)
posted by The Whelk at 5:37 PM on November 22, 2012 [6 favorites]

I think we need Vampirates.
Sexy or not, so long as they have hats and ghost ships.
posted by Mezentian at 5:38 PM on November 22, 2012 [6 favorites]

What, is this just piling on things we don't like? Is it really worth it to make fun of YES
posted by JHarris at 5:38 PM on November 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

The doofy, OCD vampires from the X-Files also seem like fun, thier powers are so minuscule!
posted by The Whelk at 5:39 PM on November 22, 2012

Also: Peter Watts' vampires in Blindsight, which jscalzi provides some nice links to here. Watts even incorporates a biological explanation for the aversion to crosses.
posted by Decimask at 5:40 PM on November 22, 2012 [13 favorites]

Is it time for a new type of monster?

I think you can construct a pretty good argument that superheroes, in their various incarnations (and the inevitable supervillains) are a new type of monster, specific to the 20th century.
posted by Kadin2048 at 5:42 PM on November 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

What, is this just piling on things we don't like? Is it really worth it to make fun of YES

I think I am at Peak Twilight Hate... but I think that every time until I see a clip from the movie, then it's all on again.

I'm not even sure friends who have seen the movies or read the books are still interested.
posted by Mezentian at 5:42 PM on November 22, 2012

Sexy Gelatinous cube y'all. I'ma need those first few royalty payments in cash, I got a tax thing
posted by Divine_Wino at 5:44 PM on November 22, 2012 [14 favorites]

Ad hominem: "Let me pose a question. Is there any way to reimagine the vampire, short of making them not drink blood? Seems like there is no more that can be done with them."

There's still quite a bit of vampire folklore that hasn't found its way into movies.
posted by the_artificer at 5:44 PM on November 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

I thought I was at Peak Hate for Twilight as well until I learned that Jacob wants to bang Bella's infant daughter.
posted by Justinian at 5:44 PM on November 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

Also werewolves are doofy unless they're raging metaphors for the I'd or alcoholism, the man who becomes a different person at night or something.

Being in control of the transformation turns you into a different, far more cuddly creature.
posted by The Whelk at 5:44 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

The modern monstrous incarnation of the vampire is called capitalism.
posted by codacorolla at 5:44 PM on November 22, 2012 [8 favorites]

True blood is pretty awesome.

Perhaps there is some non western monsters we can mine for box office gold.

I was going to vote for sexy robots, but we had sexy robots with BSG (and Data that one episode)and they didn't catch on.
posted by Ad hominem at 5:46 PM on November 22, 2012

I thought I was at Peak Hate for Twilight as well until I learned that Jacob wants to bang Bella's infant daughter.


To be fair, she is probably the sexiest, oddly-aged CGI-mapped toddler-girl-half-immortal thing ever.
posted by Mezentian at 5:47 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Sexy Gelatinous cube y'all. I'ma need those first few royalty payments in cash, I got a tax thing

Sexy Giant Purple Worm.
It's a metaphor, y'all.
posted by Mezentian at 5:48 PM on November 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

Sexy Rot Grubs?
posted by the_artificer at 5:49 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

The modern monstrous incarnation of the vampire is called capitalism

There is this fascinating undercurrent of " vampires have been guiding the development of humans as a stable food source and thus, quietly run the world." in True Blood that I always wish they did more with until someone pointed out that would bait the more Stormfront-y viewer with " see, Vampires are a metaphor for Jews/New World Order/Liberals/Lizard Pele/ect"

But I love the idea of a Vampire cabal being broken up under RICO laws.
posted by The Whelk at 5:49 PM on November 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

Perhaps there is some non western monsters we can mine for box office gold.

Ladies and gentlemen, the penanggalan.
posted by Artw at 5:50 PM on November 22, 2012 [12 favorites]

What, is this just piling on things we don't like? Is it really worth it to make fun of YES

Sure their capes might've been a bit sparkly back in the day but I think bringing that up in a Twlight thread is a bit unfair.
posted by solarion at 5:54 PM on November 22, 2012 [6 favorites]

I got it, sexy occultists.

set in a dystopian near future, with flashbacks to 1940s, tie in stuff like the Maltese falcon as some sort of totem of power. Add flashback to the turn of the century with occultists raiding tombs and burial mounds all over the world. Turns out the secret cabal the rules the dystopian future world, hedge fund guys and republicans, all worship elder gods. It is up to one teenage girl hacktivist to expose them.
posted by Ad hominem at 5:54 PM on November 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

Sexy Aerial Servant, Sexy Anhkheg, Sexy Ant (Giant), Sexy Ape, Sexy Axe Beak, Sexy Baboon, Sexy Badger, Sexy Baluchitherium, Sexy Barracuda, Sexy Basilisk, Sexy Bear, Sexy Beaver (Giant), Sexy Beetle (Giant), Sexy Beholder, Sexy Black Pudding, Sexy Blink Dog, Sexy Boar, Sexy Brain Mol, Sexy Brownie, Sexy Buffalo, Sexy Bugbear, Sexy Bulette, Sexy Bull, Sexy Camel (Wild), Sexy Carrion Crawler, Sexy Catoblepas, Sexy Cattle (Wild), Sexy Centaur, Sexy Centipede (Giant), Sexy Cerebral Parasite, Sexy Chimera, Sexy Cockatrice, Sexy Couatl, Sexy Crab (giant), Sexy Crayfish (Giant), Sexy Crocodile ...
posted by kyrademon at 5:55 PM on November 22, 2012 [17 favorites]

kyrademon, are you talking about 5th edition?
posted by Vindaloo at 5:56 PM on November 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

Best vampire i can remember, the one from the comic Grendel named Tojiro. It really stood out to me, and wasn't obviously a vampire until later. (spoiler? heh). Then he got taken a whole new level of crazy in the far future story, to say the least.

What i find sad is that since the 80s, vampires have not been the villains in the story. They have become main characters, less monsters to be feared. I get that it's an interesting look into the human side, but my favorite vampire movies have them as the bad guys. (original Fright Night, Vamp, etc.)
posted by usagizero at 5:56 PM on November 22, 2012

Sexy AnhkhegApe Verses Sexy Baboonatice.

Call me. I have a script.
posted by Mezentian at 5:57 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

bigendian, you might like Buffy vs. Edward: Twilight Remixed.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 5:58 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

My parents made it to Lincoln about half an hour early and walked into Twilight and almost threw up.
posted by phaedon at 5:58 PM on November 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

Sexy Demon (Sexy Demogorgon, Sexy Juiblex, Sexy Manes, Sexy Orcus, Sexy Succubus, Sexy Type I (Vrock), Sexy Type II (Hezrou), Sexy Type III (Glabrezu), Sexy Type IV (Nalfeshnee), Sexy Type V (Marilith), Sexy Type VI (Balor), Sexy Yeenoghu), Sexy Devil (Sexy Asmodeus, Sexy Baalzebul, Sexy Barbed, Sexy Bone, Sexy Dispater, Sexy Erinyes, Sexy Geryon, Sexy Horned (Malebranche), Sexy Ice, Sexy Lemure, Sexy Pit Fiend), Sexy Dinosaur (Sexy Anatosaurus (Trachodon), Sexy Akylosaurus, Sexy Antrodemus (Allosaurus), Sexy Apatosaurus (Brontosaurus), Sexy Archelon Ischyras, Sexy Braciosaurus, Sexy Camarasaurus, Sexy Ceratosaurus, Sexy Cetiosaurus, Sexy Dinichtys, Sexy Diplodocus, Sexy Elasmosaurus, Sexy Gorgosaurus, Sexy Iguanadon, Sexy Lambeosaurus, Sexy Megalosaurus, Sexy Monoclonius, Sexy Mososaurus, Sexy Paleoscincus, Sexy Pentaceratops, Sexy Plateosaurus, Sexy Plesiosaurus, Sexy Pteranadon, Sexy Stegosaurus, Sexy Styracosaurus, Sexy Teratosaurus, Sexy Triceratops, Sexy Tyrannosaurus Rex), Sexy Displacer Beast, Sexy Djinni, Sexy Dog, Sexy Dolphin, Sexy Doppleganger, Sexy Dragon (Sexy Black Dragon (Draco Causticus Sputem), Sexy Blue Dragon (Draco Electricus), Sexy Brass Dragon (Draco Impudentus Gallus), Sexy Bronze Dragon (Draco Gerus Bronzo), Sexy Chromatic Dragon (Tiamat), Sexy Copper Dragon (Draco Comes Stabuli), Sexy Gold Dragon (Draco Orientalus Sino Dux), Sexy Green Dragon (Draco Chlorinous Nauseous Respiratorus), Sexy Platinum Dragon (Bahamut), Sexy Red Dragon (Draco Conflagratia Horriblus), Sexy Silver Dragon (Draco Nobilis Argentum), Sexy White Dragon (Draco Rigidus Frigidus), Sexy Dragonne), Sexy Dragon Turtle, Sexy Dryad, Sexy Dwarf ...
posted by kyrademon at 6:06 PM on November 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

My parents made it to Lincoln about half an hour early and walked into Twilight and almost threw up.

They were a few months late for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer, but I appreciate their tenacity to see it on the big screen.
posted by Mezentian at 6:07 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

I didn't find it very funny because you'd have to either be really stupid or be completely faking it to not know which one is the vampire and which one is the werewolf.
posted by Malice at 6:09 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

It gets easier after the notorious D's, actually, but I think I'll leave the rest as an exercise for the reader unless there is a clamoring demand for Sexy Eagle (Giant) through Sexy Zombie.
posted by kyrademon at 6:13 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Sexy Mind Flayer would be hard to beat.
posted by Artw at 6:16 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

To be fair, she is probably the sexiest, oddly-aged CGI-mapped toddler-girl-half-immortal thing ever.

Maybe.
posted by empath at 6:16 PM on November 22, 2012

Coincidentally, since Netflix came through for me right before the mails shut down for the holiday, I'm attempting to watch Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer right now. I just got to what Ebert would call the "meet cute" scene where some woman introduces herself as Mary Todd. I started giggling and had to pause the movie and take a break. It's like a middle school book report written from memory after a single visit to Wikipedia, only with vampires.

Also, the people who are saying that "True Blood" rocks are indisputably, empirically correct.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 6:17 PM on November 22, 2012

unless there is a clamoring demand for Sexy Eagle (Giant) through Sexy Zombie.

Thanks, but Sexy Elasmosaurus has got all I need.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 6:18 PM on November 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

Sexy Otherkin.
posted by Artw at 6:19 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Buffy and a interview with The Vampire are basically responsible for the modern, romantic Vampire.

Except that Buffy is the anti-Anne Rice. Buffyverse Vampires are evil killing machines who see humans as Big Macs. They even have a whole episode where some kids think that vampires are cool and romantic and will turn them -- and they are wrong, they're just lunch.

Werewolves in Buffy are more complicated: they are regular people with a disease that sends them out of control.
posted by jb at 6:19 PM on November 22, 2012 [9 favorites]

I was hoping for Sexy Gelatinous Cube and Sexy Otyugh, at least.
posted by Foosnark at 6:20 PM on November 22, 2012

Anne Rice is responsible for the modern vampire movement in the same way that Brooks and Donaldson are responsible for the modern fantasy movement, but it was actually Laurell K Hamilton that spread it to the masses.
posted by Justinian at 6:21 PM on November 22, 2012

It's never werewolves - perpetual bridesmaids of the monster world.

I would totally watch Bridesmaids 2 if all the ladies were werewolves.
posted by mykescipark at 6:21 PM on November 22, 2012 [4 favorites]

(by starting the fangfucker genre).
posted by Justinian at 6:21 PM on November 22, 2012

I do agree that True Blood is trashy but some of the best nu-vampire entertainment on the market at the moment. It really begins to get on your nerves with the punishing of certain characters and generally bad choice-making but it's fun nonetheless. And yeah The X-Files vampires... hilarious.

Please, though, more sexii ghosts. I just got done watching American Horror Story Season 1 and it took me awhile but I actually felt the rage and agony of being a ghost in a way I usually don't in American ghost stories. Ghosts are babes. I want more ghosts. And I want someone to do something cool with witches, that maybe doesn't involve Puritan America or like, y'know, Halloween-esque witch stuff. Like I want some creepy poetic shit happening.

Also, THANK YOU Decimask for posting those fiction links! I was literally going to post an AskMe just this week asking for the name of the Blindsight series and now I can I don't know ask a question about what to do with leftover yam skins from Thanksgiving or something.
posted by stoneandstar at 6:23 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Haven't read the book or seen the movies, but the whole renesmee thing is ridiculously mormon, from the name to the imprinting shit.
posted by empath at 6:23 PM on November 22, 2012 [7 favorites]

Let me pose a question. Is there any way to reimagine the vampire, short of making them not drink blood? Seems like there is no more that can be done with them.

Sure, make vampires the people who work the third shift, i.e. at night. Having done that, there's a whole different world that operates for in the middle of the night, completely different set of rituals. In this world, vampires aren't would be kings, but just average Joes trying to get through to the next paycheck.

Another way to do would be similar to X-men: creatures with strange powers that no one understand and fear. Vampires are an elite group who work for humanity as cops or soldiers, in return for humanity not hunting them.

There's a lot of life left in the genre.

Also werewolves are doofy unless they're raging metaphors for the I'd or alcoholism, the man who becomes a different person at night or something.

I'm surprised no one has used werewolves as some sort of metaphor/look at women with the whole "once a month" thing that's connected to the moon. Hell, make it that werewolves don't so much change appearance or become bloodthrisity, but instead highly sensitive and sexual and boom. HBO is has a new mini series.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:28 PM on November 22, 2012 [4 favorites]

the totally asocial form of h.sapiens.

So staff from Goldman Sachs. Is it the form fitting Armani suit which is the sexy? Or just the phat bankroll?
posted by rough ashlar at 6:29 PM on November 22, 2012

more sexii ghosts

Being Human has a sexy ghost,as well as a sexy vampire and a sexy werewolf.
posted by Ad hominem at 6:30 PM on November 22, 2012 [4 favorites]

To be fair, she is probably the sexiest, oddly-aged CGI-mapped toddler-girl-half-immortal thing ever.
Maybe.

That's unfair considering she grew up.

I would totally watch Bridesmaids 2 if all the ladies were werewolves.

There's always Fright Night 2. It has rollerskating werewolves.
posted by Mezentian at 6:32 PM on November 22, 2012

I'm surprised no one has used werewolves as some sort of metaphor/look at women with the whole "once a month" thing that's connected to the moon. Hell, make it that werewolves don't so much change appearance or become bloodthrisity, but instead highly sensitive and sexual and boom. HBO is has a new mini series.

Please... please, no one do this.
posted by stoneandstar at 6:33 PM on November 22, 2012 [9 favorites]

I think we need Vampirates.

Oh hay SPOILER ALERT welcome to the current season of Supernatural, please keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times and watch out for the wincest!
posted by elizardbits at 6:33 PM on November 22, 2012 [4 favorites]

I'm surprised no one has used werewolves as some sort of metaphor/look at women with the whole "once a month" thing that's connected to the moon.

That's basically Ginger Snaps.
posted by Mezentian at 6:34 PM on November 22, 2012 [15 favorites]

I thought of Ginger Snaps too, but it uses lycanthropy more as a metaphor for female puberty in general than out-and-out menstruation, so not quite what Brandon Blatcher described.
posted by kyrademon at 6:35 PM on November 22, 2012

There's a lot of life left in the genre

Yeah, I can see making them schlubs who work the night shift. Make them janitors and security guards. Decidedly not sexy. But I think vampire stories were full of stuff like that before the current incarnation.
posted by Ad hominem at 6:36 PM on November 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

Those who've seen the films, should I take these clips as adequate summaries of the original?
posted by Anything at 6:36 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

pretty sure ginger snaps gave me nightmares about snarling toothed vaginas that howled at the moon tbh
posted by elizardbits at 6:37 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Oh hay SPOILER ALERT welcome to the current season of Supernatural, please keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times and watch out for the wincest!

All I know about the new Supernatural is that there is no use of Led Zepplin in it, ever, and yet there was in a really crappy Revolution, that that leads to delicious tears to rage from fans. Oh, and the brothers have yet to consumate their physcial sexual relationship with tens or hundreds of people are convinced exists.

But if that's where I stole Vampirates from... I am a thief
posted by Mezentian at 6:37 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Is this the place to recommend Kim Newman's Anno Dracula novels? Most revisionist takes on Dracula/vampires cause me to flail about in incoherent rage (NO DRACULA IS NOT A VIRTUOUS CHRISTIAN HERO MAKE IT STOP), but these are both a thoughtful take on the legend and entertaining reading.
posted by thomas j wise at 6:38 PM on November 22, 2012 [9 favorites]

I think no one has posted the Honest Trailer for New Moon yet. Enjoy.
posted by Mezentian at 6:38 PM on November 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

First of all, it's not "sexy", it's "sparkly". And what is wrong with the name Sebastian?
posted by Brocktoon at 6:39 PM on November 22, 2012

Sexy Mind Flayer would be hard to beat.

Please, son, wish it into the cornfield. The sexy cornfield.
posted by Nomyte at 6:39 PM on November 22, 2012 [7 favorites]

Is this the place to recommend Kim Newman's Anno Dracula novels?

If you're going to do that, I want to recommend Brian Stableford's Empire of Fear, since it's an alt-history.
posted by Mezentian at 6:40 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Martial arts vampires. Shaolin monks, ninjas or samurai, take your pick, are cover for packs of vampires.

Also, make vampires aquire scars. They get injured, they heal quickly but get a nasty scar.
posted by Ad hominem at 6:42 PM on November 22, 2012

What if the Cyclons were vampires?!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:44 PM on November 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

Of course Dracula is best vampire there is.
posted by Artw at 6:45 PM on November 22, 2012

What if the Cyclons were vampires?!

With tropical storm Dracula bearing down on the east coast…
posted by Nomyte at 6:46 PM on November 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

For some reason the Chinese Hopping Vampire never caught on in the US. I think there's a lot of untapped potential there.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 6:47 PM on November 22, 2012 [11 favorites]

But I love the idea of a Vampire cabal being broken up under RICO laws.

I had an idea for a Hunter: The Vigil campaign where the players are basically Vic Mackey and the Strike Team from The Shield investigating what was basically The Armenian Money Train, but with a lot more vampires, then the local bloodsuckers pulling levers through the police department and city hall to get them taken down while they try to figure out what the hell is going on (and fight vampires a lot).
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 6:53 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

stoneandstar: THANK YOU Decimask for posting those fiction links!

No problem. Lumley's Necroscope series was great, but I stopped at #4 or 5. I generally imaging his vampires as an intelligent, parasitic version of the alien in The Thing.

Blindsight didn't click with me nearly as much as the first few books of his Rifters series, but the ideas behind it are solid.
posted by Decimask at 6:57 PM on November 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

What if the Cyclons were vampires?!

Or, you know, Cylons.

At least they'd then have a reason to chase humans.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:59 PM on November 22, 2012

Seasons 2 through 5 of Supernatural rank pretty high in the Ber household. They drove that story arc with the accelerator on that Impala pushed all the way to the floor to the final scene. And that's where the series ended. Just like True Blood never went beyond two seasons.
posted by Ber at 6:59 PM on November 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

Vampirates is actually a real children's fantasy series that began in 2005, for your information. See here. That's practically at the same time as Twilight!
posted by undue influence at 7:05 PM on November 22, 2012

I've got some new vampire ideas.

1) Hampires: Vampires who operate pig farms so they can drink lots of pig blood, which is like bacon to them.
2) Glampires: Vampires with kick ass glam-rock bands.
3) Jampires: Vampires with kick ass jam bands.
4) Grampires: Old vampires gettin' it on in a nursing home.
5) Shampires: Con man vampires who rip people off big time before killing them.

There are a few more, but they still need a little work.
posted by orme at 7:09 PM on November 22, 2012 [29 favorites]

Glampires: Vampires with kick ass glam-rock bands.

So, Lestat then.
posted by Justinian at 7:10 PM on November 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

So, David Bowie then ( or Queen Of The Damner )
posted by The Whelk at 7:11 PM on November 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

Anne Rice, Lost Boys, Near Dark... and they basically just reinvented Hammer Dracula movies and Dark Shadows, which were just reinventing Varney the Vampire and Carmilla.

Buffy came along real late in the day, riding on the 90's goth scene, which had become astonishingly mainstream.

Twilight is Buffy fan fix gone really fucking wrong.
posted by Slap*Happy at 7:15 PM on November 22, 2012

Twilight is Buffy fan fix gone really fucking wrong.

Buffy didn't need fixing.
(Unless you meant Fan Fic, in which case: yes).
posted by Mezentian at 7:19 PM on November 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

Glampires: Vampires with kick ass glam-rock bands.

Could they be called Stoker?
posted by Mezentian at 7:21 PM on November 22, 2012

Damn. Ok, I haven't seen enough vampire movies I guess. I'll have to take Glampires off the list, but I'll add Clampires, who live underwater and battle against Werescallops.
posted by orme at 7:28 PM on November 22, 2012 [14 favorites]

Nerd vampires? Geek vampires? IT Support vampires? Vampire stranded on a desert island? Last Vampire on Earth? The next season of The Neighbors, they move into a housing community and everyone else ISN'T a vampire? Grass selling vampires? Vampires being exploited? Vampire slaves? Survivor: Vampire Island? Vampire Lawyers, one of whom can remember anything he reads? VCIS: Vampire Criminal Investigative Services?
posted by Admira at 7:29 PM on November 22, 2012

Thing is, Buffy is really ungothic. The whole aesthetic of the show was goofy and often colorful. I wouldn't be surprised if there is more overlap between the Buffy and Muppet fandoms than between Buffy and goth/vampire fandoms.

"They got - the - mustard - ooouuuuttt!"
posted by jb at 7:31 PM on November 22, 2012 [4 favorites]

Last Vampire on Earth?

C.S. Friedman's The Madness Season, kind of. If "on Earth" is not taken too literally. With added alien invasion.
posted by Justinian at 7:31 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Thing is, Buffy is really ungothic
Ungothic things are things ungoths like.

I just read the io9 review that The Whelk posted and ...
Baby vampires never grow up physically or mentally

If that's true (and it is the first I have heard if it), that makes the Jacob imprinting his Twue Wuv even WORSE.

Twilight, is there no end of the ways in which you are skeevy?
posted by Mezentian at 7:36 PM on November 22, 2012

VCIS: Vampire Criminal Investigative Services?

There's a UK show called Ultraviolet that's pretty much this, police procedural but they're hunting vampires. It's pretty enjoyable, if Britishly dark and depressing. It's on Netflix. The one downside is it's kind of hard to tell who's a vampire at first since, being set in Britain, everyone is pale as hell. I'm sort-of joking but sort-of not.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 7:37 PM on November 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

by VCIS: Vampire Criminal Investigative Services I mean vampires who are doing the investigating... like now with NCIS its naval people... with many hilarious "did you drink the blood sample again?" moments...
posted by Admira at 7:39 PM on November 22, 2012 [4 favorites]

I need to re-watch 30 Days Of Night again as a palate cleanser. No swooning lovesick romantic vampires going to high school there, just a pack of cunning, inhuman, horrifying monsters on a wild feeding frenzy at the human smorgasbord. The way it should be.
posted by goshling at 7:41 PM on November 22, 2012 [7 favorites]

+1 for Ultraviolet, which is free on Hulu and awesome -- one of the few TV series I've watched more than once.
posted by Slothrup at 7:42 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Have the possibilities of Sexy Cthulhu completely escaped you people?
posted by figurant at 7:43 PM on November 22, 2012 [6 favorites]

There's a UK show called Ultraviolet that's pretty much this, police procedural but they're hunting vampires.

Oh, fuck yes.

I'm sort-of joking but sort-of not.

From memory, the never once say the V-word either.
I was always a bit annoyed they never made a second series, and yet Hustle and Old Tricks keep on keepin' on.
Not as annoyed as I was when I rented the Ultraviolet movie.
posted by Mezentian at 7:44 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Sexy Cthulhu did not escape is.
Sexy Cthulhu is the lust that we dare not speak of.
posted by Mezentian at 7:45 PM on November 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

Fifty Shades of Zalgo
posted by flabdablet at 7:48 PM on November 22, 2012 [8 favorites]

There's currently a Korean cable tv series called Vampire Prosecutor, which looks like it's getting a Season 3. Yes, he's a vampire and he fights crime.

(I absolutely loved the British series Ultraviolet - so sad there was no second series and beyond ...)
posted by needled at 7:50 PM on November 22, 2012 [4 favorites]

Holy shit everybody in the media - stop using those ridiculous nicknames (ie K-Stew) for celebrities. It's driving me insane.
posted by davebush at 7:50 PM on November 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

Fifty Shades of Zardoz.
It's already got Sexy Sean Connery.
posted by Mezentian at 7:51 PM on November 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

From memory, the never once say the V-word either.

I think they were referred to as Code Vs (pronounced code fives).

Also: IDRIS ELBA!!!!!
posted by goshling at 8:06 PM on November 22, 2012

I was about to mention Vampire Prosecutor but needled beat me to it...it's basically a Korean CSI/Law and Order except the vampire prosecutor in question also has magical powers that allow him to vicariously relive crime scenes by tasting bloodstains. It's on Netflix.
posted by pravit at 8:06 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

kyrademon: "Sexy Aerial Servant, Sexy Anhkheg, Sexy Ant (Giant), Sexy Ape, Sexy Axe Beak, Sexy Baboon, Sexy Badger, Sexy Baluchitherium, Sexy Barracuda, Sexy Basilisk, Sexy Bear, Sexy Beaver (Giant), Sexy Beetle (Giant), Sexy Beholder, Sexy Black Pudding, Sexy Blink Dog, Sexy Boar, Sexy Brain Mol, Sexy Brownie, Sexy Buffalo, Sexy Bugbear, Sexy Bulette, Sexy Bull, Sexy Camel (Wild), Sexy Carrion Crawler, Sexy Catoblepas, Sexy Cattle (Wild), Sexy Centaur, Sexy Centipede (Giant), Sexy Cerebral Parasite, Sexy Chimera, Sexy Cockatrice, Sexy Couatl, Sexy Crab (giant), Sexy Crayfish (Giant), Sexy Crocodile ..."

... and Frog.
posted by ShawnStruck at 8:09 PM on November 22, 2012 [9 favorites]

I'm still pretty drunk from Thanksgiving so I'm trusting you guys and going to watch Vampire Prosecutor right now because that's so ridiculously my thing I almost refuse to believe it exists.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 8:13 PM on November 22, 2012

That is so awesome. If only I could access Hulu/netflix.
posted by Admira at 8:19 PM on November 22, 2012

I finally watched the first one and it's actually a great movie to get drunk while watching and make fun of.

I haven't summoned the courage to tell my friends that I really want to see whatever this new one is called.
posted by cmoj at 8:20 PM on November 22, 2012

RiffTrax version is the way to go.
posted by the_artificer at 8:31 PM on November 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

Or we just go with Sexy Fungi from Yoggoth.

Putting the Fun back in Fungi.
posted by ryoshu at 8:37 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

stop using those ridiculous nicknames (ie K-Stew) for celebrities

NB there is no hyphen in KStew.
posted by elizardbits at 8:38 PM on November 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

I'm actually watching American Haunting right now, there are sexy ghosts. I'm going to queue up Vampire Presecutor. I should get to it around noon tomorrow.
posted by Ad hominem at 8:47 PM on November 22, 2012

Two things:

I would love an HBO version of the Anita Blake books (at least the first couple before they really go off the rails).

Vampire Hunter D are great vampire books. I suspect there isn't enough nakedness in them for HBO though.
posted by HMSSM at 8:51 PM on November 22, 2012

Aw yiss.
posted by fleacircus at 8:52 PM on November 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

The Wolf-In-Sheep's-Clothing(?) is the best D&D monster ever.
All the horror of Vagina Dentata with a cute rabbit *AND* tentacles.
posted by Mezentian at 8:59 PM on November 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

crosses barely come up anymore

Slacktivist's way of dealing with this is built on the fact that vampires are parasites. Being a vampire is great, right? Immortality, super-strength, cool hair. All you have to do in exchange is drain other people dry. Vampires not named Angel think it's OK to do that. After all, if you were a vampire and they were human you'd bite them, right?

Symbols of selflessness are a direct challenge to their worldview. Fragments of the true cross*, pictures of Gandhi, a Mr. Rogers singalong, whatever. For maximum effect, try shouting "Not the kids! Take me instead!" It gives them pause. They can't quite believe you're serious. It's got to be a trick, right? You don't seriously think of someone else's life as being more important than your own, do you?

It's not magic. They won't burst into flames, but if you're quick you can use their moment of confusion as an opening to slip in the stake.

^{* Good luck using a crusader's cross. Some vampires wear that as a tattoo.}
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 9:00 PM on November 22, 2012 [4 favorites]

The Passage was an interesting take on the genre.
posted by travis08 at 9:01 PM on November 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

Ah yes, "sexy AD&D 2nd edition wolf-in-sheep's-clothing."
posted by Nomyte at 9:02 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

I would love an HBO version of the Anita Blake books (at least the first couple before they really go off the rails).

I read far, far further into that series than I ever intended or enjoyed on the hope that Hamilton was playing a sly game where we watch Anita Blake slowly turn into the very thing she hates and fights to destroy. I kept waiting for Blake to realize what she had become and for blood to follow. But no. It really was what it looked like on the surface; porno about banging every imaginable supernatural being.

Ick.
posted by Justinian at 9:02 PM on November 22, 2012 [4 favorites]

"sexy AD&D 2nd edition wolf-in-sheep's-clothing."

... And Frog.
posted by Mezentian at 9:03 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Maven Of The Eventide reviews Vampire fiction
posted by The Whelk at 9:11 PM on November 22, 2012

Hoping for sexy mind-flayer. Was not disappointed.

What? No sexy rust-monster? :(
posted by hot_monster at 9:23 PM on November 22, 2012

From the article: Have these guys been the bad guys in all the movies? Like, are Volturi : Twilight :: Nazis : Indiana Jones movies?

Er.
posted by fleacircus at 9:29 PM on November 22, 2012

Symbols of selflessness are a direct challenge to their worldview. Fragments of the true cross*, pictures of Gandhi, a Mr. Rogers singalong, whatever. For maximum effect, try shouting "Not the kids! Take me instead!" It gives them pause. They can't quite believe you're serious. It's got to be a trick, right? You don't seriously think of someone else's life as being more important than your own, do you?

There's a short story in which vampires can only be repelled by the thing you love most, the victims try hurling crosses and holy water at it to no avail until they attempt to offer the vampire all thier money and it bursts into flames.
posted by The Whelk at 9:37 PM on November 22, 2012 [6 favorites]

The best thing to come out of Twilight is Baratunde Thurston's live hatetweeting of his experiences watching them.

Behold: Occupy Sparkle.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 9:46 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Oh! And there was this ...novella? Something where vampires could only exist at night, not physically, but just as a concept, once sunrise hit all knowledge of them and the very idea of them vanished, leading to people having these very divergent memories and lives from sunrise to sunrise.
posted by The Whelk at 9:54 PM on November 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

Man I could probably teach a two credit history of vampires in media class from my bedroom with no prep whatsoever.
posted by The Whelk at 9:55 PM on November 22, 2012 [5 favorites]

Sexy Gelatinous cube y'all.

jiggle that acid for me baby
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:05 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

I wold love to see some vampires based on actual mythology. Like the one where the village gathers to burn the vampire, and it's body explodes into a flood of vermin. The circle of villagers have to kill every single vermin, rat or spider, or whatever, or the vampire will reform. I'd love to see that filmed by say, Werner Herzog.
posted by happyroach at 10:06 PM on November 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

I'm surprised no one has used werewolves as some sort of metaphor/look at women with the whole "once a month" thing that's connected to the moon.

There's 'The Curse' from Alan Moore's Swamp Thing. Not a movie, but anyhoo.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:07 PM on November 22, 2012

Vampire Prosecutor, through the 3 episodes I watched, is exactly the sort of strangely engrossing fare CSI is, but dude's a vampire. Great suggestion.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 10:11 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Man I could probably teach a two credit history of vampires in media class from my bedroom with no prep whatsoever

I will audit that class if you promise to wear the crown
posted by elizardbits at 10:12 PM on November 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

Oh sure, go through the Monster Manual while I'm off doing other things.

Sexy Gelatinous cube y'all.

jiggle that acid for me baby

Shake your money maker.

Seems like there is no more that can be done with them.
Are we doomed to have the same sexy yet world weary vampires simply set in new situations?

Well if you're going to limit them to "sexy", then yes. When the pendulum swings, if vampires are involved at all, it will be back to the brutal, monstrous kind. Though I agree the religion angle is probably lost for good.

It's not going to be werewolves. It's never werewolves - perpetual bridesmaids of the monster world.

It's pretty awful when you have to scratch your genre itch with the likes of Underworld because there's just nothing else.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 10:15 PM on November 22, 2012

The OP reminded me to check the Taylor Lautner tag on Tumblr. It's just like the tags for Chris Evans, the Teen Wolf guys and K-pop boybanders. I always feel rejuvenated after spending time on those.
posted by fatehunter at 10:22 PM on November 22, 2012

Perhaps there is some non western monsters we can mine for box office gold.

Ladies and gentlemen, the penanggalan.

Actually made number one on this list from the consistently ok io9.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 10:23 PM on November 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

I always feel rejuvenated like i need to go to the gym for a million years after spending time on those.
posted by The Whelk at 10:26 PM on November 22, 2012

I don't think the blood sucking cuts it any more. If we wanted a truly horrific vampire for today, it would probably have to drain your credit rating.
posted by happyroach at 10:58 PM on November 22, 2012

in Time is already a movie.
posted by The Whelk at 11:03 PM on November 22, 2012

Klout Score vampire, worst vampire ever.
posted by Artw at 11:04 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Oh hey, in case you missed it, make sure you catch this.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 11:06 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

VASE OF PREHISTORY!
posted by The Whelk at 11:12 PM on November 22, 2012

Nerd vampires? Geek vampires? IT Support vampires? Vampire stranded on a desert island?

Driving instructor from Johannesburg.
posted by MartinWisse at 11:17 PM on November 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

Twilight: a summary (in comic form)
posted by tykky at 11:17 PM on November 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

Also in the last True Blood Season there was a spunky IT dept Vampire doing a kind of Kaylee thing.
posted by The Whelk at 11:26 PM on November 22, 2012

Driving instructor from Johannesburg.

You're messing with the big boys now.
posted by Artw at 11:29 PM on November 22, 2012

I kept trying to write this pitch where we had an older woman/young man romantic comedy and she;s a vampire and we would actually address the biggest dodge in Vampire Romances which is , your romantic interest is a fucking serial killer who needs to kill people to live, but I found I really couldn't write that without just making it a nihilistic black pitch kinda thing (wherein killing people is awesome! Really everyone at the Gap deserves to die) or the usual "but I'm not LIKE that!" gambits (donated blood, animal blood, blood of criminals, etc)

Which is a shame, I had a nice gag on how Vampires use all their spare time. Lots of hobbies. Crypts are like, 80% needlework and macrame'.
posted by The Whelk at 11:30 PM on November 22, 2012 [5 favorites]

Also in the last True Blood Season there was a spunky IT dept Vampire doing a kind of Kaylee thing.

Cindy Mackenzie from Veronica Mars. As a vampire. Pretty much exactly.
posted by Justinian at 11:31 PM on November 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

Lets all just remember season one of Veronica Mars and how wonderful the world seemed then.
posted by The Whelk at 11:35 PM on November 22, 2012 [6 favorites]

For some insane reason we just decided to watch Dark Shadows. That thing is just fucking bad.
posted by Artw at 11:41 PM on November 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

I liked how the Vampire minority in Ugly Americans all ran pizza shops.
posted by The Whelk at 11:45 PM on November 22, 2012

I kept trying to write this pitch where we had an older woman/young man romantic comedy

BRB reading Negi/Evangeline fics.

He was ten when they met. She had a crush on his father. He is her teacher, and she his. The most forbidden of forbidden loves of all time.
posted by fatehunter at 12:19 AM on November 23, 2012

I wonder if we could even go back to the Dracula idea that the Vampire is just inherently corrupting , they're just fundamentally unhealthy and exposure to them makes you worse on a basic level.

Like how do you translate that to the modern day? All I can think of is the corrupting power having Way Too Much Money has, and living without consequence or ever having to be called on your action. Which just brings us back to A Picture Of Dorian Grey AKA The best vampire story never told.
posted by The Whelk at 12:55 AM on November 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

The Passage was an interesting take on the genre.

Yeah The Passage and The Twelve were great. It somehow combined various familiar vampire and zombie and post-apocalyse stories and remained surprisingly surprising. The books made me afraid to sleep with the lights off for a couple of nights but not forever. Perfect really.

And True Blood is just so spot on and funny, I love that show and anyone who disagrees is wrong.
posted by fshgrl at 12:56 AM on November 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

If we didn't have True Blood then we wouldn't have Pam and Pam is a joy forever.

I love superpowered characters who fucking love being super. Being a vampire is the best thing that ever happened to Pam and she works it. See also Erica, Teen Wolf. What is angst?

Also I love how the Jessica/Hoyt relationship is coded as the queer relationship on the show cause it's vampire/human. Also cause they are adorable.
posted by The Whelk at 1:01 AM on November 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'm surprised no one has used werewolves as some sort of metaphor/look at women with the whole "once a month" thing that's connected to the moon

Terry Pratchett kind of has: Angua, in the Ankh Morpok city watch as of Men at Arms
posted by runincircles at 1:15 AM on November 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

also, as previously mentioned, the wonderful Ginger Snaps


The sequel is considerably less good.
posted by The Whelk at 1:16 AM on November 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

I wonder if we could even go back to the Dracula idea that the Vampire is just inherently corrupting , they're just fundamentally unhealthy and exposure to them makes you worse on a basic level.

Like how do you translate that to the modern day? All I can think of is the corrupting power having Way Too Much Money has, and living without consequence or ever having to be called on your action.

So vampires as high-powered Goldman Sachs-type executives being pursued by the SEC? Lots of tense courtroom scenes where the bloodsuckers in their $5000 bespoke suits smirk at Our Hapless Hero wearing Men's Wearhouse off the rack because it's all he can afford? Then they use every nasty legal trick in the book to delay him and block him, all while donating lots of money to the campaigns of politicians who could (and try to!) shut him down because if he succeeds said vampire Gordon Gekkos will tank the global economy? "These lawyers are real bloodsuckers" is the tagline.

I love this thread so much.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 1:27 AM on November 23, 2012 [7 favorites]

Sexy 10' x 10' Room WIth An Orc Guarding A Chest.
posted by sebastienbailard at 1:38 AM on November 23, 2012 [10 favorites]

I wonder if we could even go back to the Dracula idea that the Vampire is just inherently corrupting , they're just fundamentally unhealthy and exposure to them makes you worse on a basic level.

Like how do you translate that to the modern day?

Well you could make the vampires poor people and instead of blood they could sap the protestant work ethic that made this country great from their victims. If you hang out with them too much you start staying up late on weeknights and calling in sick when you're not. If you, god forbid, taste their blood you end up quitting your job, staying home all day drinking soda in your sweats with greasy hair, cursing at your kids and calling your representatives demanding presents.
posted by fshgrl at 2:05 AM on November 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

also, as previously mentioned, the wonderful Ginger Snaps
The sequel is considerably less good.

Do I detect that someone was unaware of Ginger Snaps III: The Beginning?
As someone who just enjoyed Dungeons & Dragons III*, I feel the need to inflict threequel pain.
And use the word "threequel" to compound that pain.


(*The "Sexy" Graveyard Schoolghoul creature was the only bit of that movie worth watching).
posted by Mezentian at 2:11 AM on November 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Well you could make the vampires poor people and instead of blood they could sap the protestant work ethic that made this country great from their victims.

So, Mitt Romney: Vampire Slayer? Do you have a lead actor in mind?
posted by Mezentian at 2:14 AM on November 23, 2012

Is there any way to reimagine the vampire, short of making them not drink blood? Seems like there is no more that can be done with them.

Vampires: like those bugs that make mice go sit in front of cats, their first bite infects you with depression. The victim becomes increasingly suicidal and obsessed with their attacker as the toxin gradually matures in their blood, until finally, when their blood is sufficiently pre-digested, they despair entirely and surrender to death at the hands of the vampire.

Vampires: like babies combined with abusers. When they 'fall in love', they bond with a particular person, suck on them for comfort, and have frightening screaming tantrums until their beloved submits for the sake of peace. When the beloved finally dies of blood loss, the couple breaks up and each goes looking for a new beloved.

Vampires: nightmare CEOs. For the promise of job security, you are required to offer a small monthly tribute of blood. By the time you realise the terrible effects it has on you and how bad a place to work this is, your system cannot survive without the vampire saliva is has become dependent on.

Just off the top of my head.

So, er, yes.

Personally I'm a bit tired of seeing people make fun of Twilight. Surely the joke has gotten old by now, the corpse is drained. (Actually I've gone on about it already, so I won't again. But I am starting to wonder what pop culture did for fun before Internet mockery.)
posted by Kit W at 2:36 AM on November 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

But I am starting to wonder what pop culture did for fun before Internet mockery.

We mocked other things, but in small groups.
posted by Mezentian at 2:44 AM on November 23, 2012 [4 favorites]

We used to mock people directly to their faces.
posted by fshgrl at 2:48 AM on November 23, 2012

We used to mock people directly to their faces.

We totally did not. (We, may not include you).

I've never met anyone associated with Grease 2, but by god did we make fun of that?
Yes, we did.

And people were kind enough not to mock my published fiction.
Which was nice.

Until the internet it was all backstab-backstab.
People just couldn't google the horrors of what people said about them.
posted by Mezentian at 2:52 AM on November 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

I love the portrayal of the vampire in the film Let The Right One In (or the unnecessary American remake Let Me In). It's a lonely existence, especially when you're stuck as a young girl for eternity, and getting your fix of blood is hard to do quietly.

(Brilliant film too.)
posted by milkb0at at 3:06 AM on November 23, 2012 [7 favorites]

Funniest vampire film ever is Frostbiten, with the awesome twist that during the Arctic winter, it is always night. Strangely wonderful.
posted by thylacinthine at 3:14 AM on November 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'll tell you one thing, Kristen Stewart is so wooden I'm surprised she doesn't stake herself! I'm here all week, tell your friends.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:34 AM on November 23, 2012 [3 favorites]

I had the veal!
posted by Mezentian at 3:39 AM on November 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

This seems like a good place to ramble a bit about how not long ago I was thinking that it would be interesting to do a pseudoscientific vampire story a la the way FVZA explains vampirism as a disease, with vampires not being immortal badasses but horrifying hairless blood-drinkers who look more like a Nosferatu than an Edward. Has anybody been doing that? If not, I may have to just on the principle of the thing.
posted by graymouser at 3:55 AM on November 23, 2012

Wait, what, Wendell Pierce is in this?! The Bunk!... I think I'm going to have to lie down for a minute.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:03 AM on November 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

So vampires as high-powered Goldman Sachs-type executives being pursued by the SEC? Lots of tense courtroom scenes where the bloodsuckers in their $5000 bespoke suits smirk at Our Hapless Hero wearing Men's Wearhouse off the rack because it's all he can afford? Then they use every nasty legal trick in the book to delay him and block him, all while donating lots of money to the campaigns of politicians who could (and try to!) shut him down because if he succeeds said vampire Gordon Gekkos will tank the global economy? "These lawyers are real bloodsuckers" is the tagline.

You mean season 5 of Angel?
posted by Sebmojo at 4:15 AM on November 23, 2012 [3 favorites]

You mean season 5 of Angel?

That's cruel.
Really cruel.
posted by Mezentian at 4:21 AM on November 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Sexy alien 6 foot broccoli that jingle when they speak and glide on root feet. The kids'll love it!
posted by h00py at 4:48 AM on November 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

I wonder if we could even go back to the Dracula idea that the Vampire is just inherently corrupting , they're just fundamentally unhealthy and exposure to them makes you worse on a basic level.

Isn't that Breaking Bad?
posted by betweenthebars at 5:04 AM on November 23, 2012

Sexy alien 6 foot broccoli that jingle when they speak and glide on root feet. The kids'll love it!

D&D did it, except with Mushrooms. Will you accept that?
posted by Mezentian at 5:12 AM on November 23, 2012

Perhaps there is some non western monsters we can mine for box office gold.

It is my pleasure now to present the weirdest of South American monsters: the Hairy Leg. It kicks people!
posted by Tom-B at 5:15 AM on November 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Sexy the Blob.

I'm 30k words into a Twilight knockoff NaNo with shadow people and black eyed kids instead of vampires.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:17 AM on November 23, 2012

These ones, perhaps. These ones, definitely.
posted by h00py at 5:18 AM on November 23, 2012

Vampires have always been sexy, and they have been romantic since at least Bram Stoker.
posted by FelliniBlank at 7:38 AM on November 23, 2012

Yes, Nosferatu is a super hottie.
posted by elizardbits at 7:48 AM on November 23, 2012

Yes, Nosferatu is a super hottie.

It's nice to feel appreciated.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:55 AM on November 23, 2012 [3 favorites]

Count Yorga is kind of dashing in a 70's way.
posted by h00py at 8:20 AM on November 23, 2012

Carmilla Karnstein.
posted by Artw at 8:38 AM on November 23, 2012

I didn't say every vampire is sexy, but sex has been involved in vampire lore for a long time.
posted by FelliniBlank at 8:46 AM on November 23, 2012

In TV and movies, Barnabas Collins (1966) and Jack Palance's Dracula (1973) were undead Heathcliffs who preceded Anne Rice, and I would think there were some before that.
posted by FelliniBlank at 8:50 AM on November 23, 2012

Seduction and rape is the core of vampire mythology. Dracula is a modern take on an incubus.
posted by bonehead at 8:54 AM on November 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

Shatpire.
posted by Artw at 8:57 AM on November 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Be it noted that there's a Jim Jarmusch vampire movie coming out next year, starring Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston, which despite my general distaste for the whole vampire genre l plan to watch the hell out of.
posted by Kat Allison at 9:31 AM on November 23, 2012 [3 favorites]

Sex, or rather the fear of sex has been an important element to the Vampire Character since Dracula, yes but it wasn't until relatively recently that the idea of the "attractive, attainable boyfriend vampire" took hold in the mainstream. These aren't decadent or corrupt lusts compelled by sinister forces and charisma, in fact maybe the partner willingly* chooses the vampire over mortals, which is where I think the break happened in Buffy.

*Although when you're dealing with characters with mind-control powers (your vampires may vary) there is always this issue and True Blood again picks up a really interesting plot thread a few times I:E Sookie's relationship with Bill is a completely premeditated act designed to get her hooked on him cause Bill's nice guy act is just that, an act, and he's been keeping her on literal love drugs ever since they met.
posted by The Whelk at 9:32 AM on November 23, 2012

starring Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston

READING THAT GAVE ME CHEST PAINS.
posted by The Whelk at 9:32 AM on November 23, 2012 [3 favorites]

Kat Allison: "l plan to watch the hell out of."

The Whelk: "READING THAT GAVE ME CHEST PAINS."

Right there with ya.
posted by the_artificer at 9:36 AM on November 23, 2012

> I'm at work, but if anyone has a Monster Manual handy, I propose adding Sexy to every monster until something sticks.

Rule 34 subsection B. No matter what it is, there is a sexy halloween costume of it.
posted by jfuller at 9:59 AM on November 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Please someone make a sexy otyugh costume. Or sexy neo-otyugh, I'm not picky.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 10:05 AM on November 23, 2012

Durn Bronzefist : Please someone make a sexy otyugh costume. Or sexy neo-otyugh, I'm not picky.

You just don't want to know what you get when you GIS that with safesearch off.

Suffice it to say, rule 34 applies in full force.
posted by pla at 10:20 AM on November 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

READING THAT GAVE ME CHEST PAINS.

The Hunger remake with Tilda Swinton as David Bowie.
posted by Artw at 10:26 AM on November 23, 2012 [5 favorites]

I've had a hard time w/ Buffy ever since S M Gellar came out as a Republican.
posted by discopolo at 10:36 AM on November 23, 2012

no Sexy Chupacabras?
metafilter, i am dissapoint.
posted by liza at 10:37 AM on November 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Be it noted that there's a Jim Jarmusch vampire movie coming out next year, starring Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston

SCREAM
posted by elizardbits at 10:46 AM on November 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

Oh, let's not forget Forever Knight (1989).
posted by FelliniBlank at 12:04 PM on November 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

Forever Knight is unforgettable. The show could be so bad, but the actors were pretty good - and sometimes they seemed to be winking at you as they did their scenes, like they were saying, "I know this line is cheesy, you know this line is cheesy - let's just have some more wine and enjoy it."
posted by jb at 1:13 PM on November 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

Wow, Forever Knight. Haven't thought about that one in a while. Back then some friends and I would get together on Friday nights have dinner, drink and play networked games (Descent II at the time I think) and then take a break to watch Forever Knight and Highlander. When watched the final episode we didn't know it was going to be the final episode. Quite the way to go out.
posted by the_artificer at 1:31 PM on November 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

I wonder if we could even go back to the Dracula idea that the Vampire is just inherently corrupting , they're just fundamentally unhealthy and exposure to them makes you worse on a basic level.

That's the Cthulhu Mythos in a nutshell. And the Mythos contains two kinds of vampires: one is a ball of fire, the other is an invisible, hovering, writhing mass of tentacles that, when it sucks your blood, shows up as a pink mist in the air until the blood is metabolized.

Sexy!
posted by JHarris at 2:09 PM on November 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

"Are there black vampires?"

"Wait, are there no black vampires?"

I kinda admire the relentless optimism that the writer has, continually expecting Meyer to provide a coherent story.
posted by LMGM at 2:23 PM on November 23, 2012

Half in Bag!
posted by codacorolla at 2:52 PM on November 23, 2012

That's the Cthulhu Mythos in a nutshell. And the Mythos contains two kinds of vampires: one is a ball of fire, the other is an invisible, hovering, writhing mass of tentacles that, when it sucks your blood, shows up as a pink mist in the air until the blood is metabolized.

Well, you got yer immortal necromancers too - they might need some kind of foul sustenance.
posted by Artw at 2:56 PM on November 23, 2012

Buffyverse Vampires are evil killing machines who see humans as Big Macs.

This is true for most of the vampires that show up and get killed, but the majority of the screen time given to vampires is given to Spike and Angel, who are mostly good guys most of the time except when they aren't good guys yet. Or had too much sex. So yeah, 99% of the vampires that show up are mindless people eaters. And that's just on Buffy-- Angel *stars* the vampire with a soul and gets Spike on it eventually. Hell, it even points out that vampires or at least Harmony can pretty much be trained to not kill humans anymore if it's in their own self-interest.
posted by NoraReed at 4:29 PM on November 23, 2012

Is there any way to reimagine the vampire, short of making them not drink blood?

Check out Neil Jordan's film Byzantium.
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 7:03 PM on November 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Ah yes, "sexy AD&D 2nd edition wolf-in-sheep's-clothing."

Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are sexy wolves.
posted by kenko at 11:23 PM on November 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

So I followed needled's advice and gave Vampire Prosecutor a three episode tryout. It's not bad. It's certainly no Unubore Deka (/hamburg) but I'll try and finish out the two seasons of it when I get some free time.
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 1:25 AM on November 24, 2012

FYI, for those of you who've jumped on the Vampire Prosecutor train, the second season has much more vampire emphasis than the first. Just in case you're watching and thinking it's just another CSI-type show that just happens to have a vampire in it. (And you should stick with it because the Season 2 finale is pretty dang awesome. Even if no questions are actually answered.)
posted by paisley sheep at 3:07 AM on November 24, 2012

Interesting bit from Wikipeida, about another possible take on werewolves for fiction:

A notable exception to the association of Lycanthropy and the Devil, comes from a rare and lesser known account of an 80-year-old man named Thiess. In 1692, in Jurgenburg, Livonia, Thiess testified under oath that he and other werewolves were the Hounds of God.[17] He claimed they were warriors who went down into hell to do battle with witches and demons. Their efforts ensured that the Devil and his minions did not carry off the grain from local failed crops down to hell. Thiess was steadfast in his assertions, claiming that werewolves in Germany and Russia also did battle with the devil's minions in their own versions of hell, and insisted that when werewolves died, their souls were welcomed into heaven as reward for their service. Thiess was ultimately sentenced to ten lashes for Idolatry and superstitious belief.

posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:30 AM on November 24, 2012 [3 favorites]

Felliniblank-There's nothing romantic about Dracula in Bram Stoker's novel. He goes after Mina because he wants revenge on the vampire killers and understands that she is connected to all of them, so by turning her, he punishes them. When the vampire killers interrupt Mina's conversion this is how the scene is described:

His right hand gripped her by the back of the neck, forcing her face down on his bosom. Her white nightdress was smeared with blood, and a thin stream trickled down the man's bare chest which was shown by his torn-open dress. The attitude of the two had a terrible resemblance to a child forcing a kitten's nose into a saucer of milk to compel it to drink.
(emphasis added)

Notice the emphasis on FORCE. The scene obvious references not just the loss of virginity, but rape, not romance. The idea of there being a romantic relationship between a vampire and its prey is far more contemporary than Stoker gaining popularity I'd say in the last 20 years or so. Vampires going back to Stoker and a bit before were portrayed as seductive, sometimes using mind control, but not in a genuinely romantic way. Rather they used this quality to lure their victims. (Although clearly Dracula doesn't in this scene with Mina.) This is part of the attraction to the vampire myth-what makes them dangerous isn't any of their super powers, but how they make us want them.
posted by miss-lapin at 4:20 PM on November 24, 2012

That saucer of milk line is the creppiest freaking line in that book.
posted by The Whelk at 4:22 PM on November 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Absolutely, miss-lapin. Creepy as hell, like most other rape fantasies.
posted by FelliniBlank at 5:45 PM on November 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Frank Langella's Dracula (1979).
posted by FelliniBlank at 5:55 PM on November 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Blacula (1972).
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:01 PM on November 24, 2012

I'm watching VAMPS right now and maaaaan was this clearly supposed to be a TV pilot.
posted by The Whelk at 6:01 PM on November 24, 2012

okay so ..."Vamps."

I'm conflicted cause there's a lot of stuff I like in this movie, it's really got really fun ideas but since it's so clearly supposed to be a TV pilot that never happened (seriously, it's shot like a TV show, it's acted like a TV show, the stakes are of a TV show) it doesn't really gel into like a movie. Like, the Sigorney Weaver character I love her on paper cause it's Eddie Monsoon-as-a-vampire cause it's EDDIE MONSOON AS A VAMPIRE but the execution? eh. Although I appericate Ms. Weave's victory lap through all genre movies recently.

I liked the schlubby gay Renfield. I like Dan Stevens' hair. I want that hair. It's good hair.

But it's a shapeless hour and half TV pilot, my expectations where pretty low so I was surprised how much of it I liked, at least in theory. Vampirism as metaphor for Boomer Angst? You still feel young but all your references are out of date and twitter apparently makes you want to kill yourself? That's ..well not something I expected to be in a Vampire story, and it fits! It totally fits. It actually gives the ending a bit of weight despite it being a so-fluffy it's nonexistent farce. I just wish it worked better as a farce or was more tightly written cause everything in it is stuff I wanted to see in Vampire stories, right down to Vamps being busted by the IRS, but's it's just very high concept ABC sitcom. Like just, take whatever idea you had for your concept, mash em up and paste them together and you'll have a script and not just plot oatmeal. Yeah, no.

It is however unbashably girly, even straying into some troublesome areas (Female villains, they want to stay young and they want to control all the mens, this is all female villains do. ever. ), so there's that. It's like True Blood if it was a sit-com and Jessica and Pam were the leads.

Wait that makes it sounds way better then it was.

So Vamps. It was a different kind of vampire story and it wasn't completely awful.
posted by The Whelk at 7:31 PM on November 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

It's a lot like the "Harm's Way" episode of Angel where we follow Harmony around, like a lot a lot like it, but somehow with even less seriousness.
posted by The Whelk at 7:33 PM on November 24, 2012

I love Frank Langella as Dracula. The nystagmus actually worked perfectly in that role. ( Side note: I saw Frank Langella as a child on Broadway as Sherlock Holmes in Sherlock's Last Case. I wish there was video of that because his performance was awesome. I was 12 at the time-in 1987...you do the math-but I remember moments and lines from his performance perfectly.)

the post made me look up a blog post I wrote years ago about the Satanic Rites of Satan AKA Dracula is Alive and Well and Living in London in which Dracula, in which Dracula for no reason he can articulate, wants to wipe out humanity with an engineered strain of the bubonic plague. I'll still take that over Twilight any day.
posted by miss-lapin at 7:53 PM on November 24, 2012

Diamanda Hagan reviews Urban Githic: Vampirology

The review is to an episode of a short lived UK channel five show, Urban Gothic, which was a horror anthology and the episode reviewed is widely considered to be the best one. In it, a documentary film crew follows around a rich, famous vampire as he swans around SoHo being moody and bored and very very mid 90s Vampire. Like Anne Rice without all the foof and camp and it hits my Vampire Dorien Grey spot cause hey being rich and immortal and above it all can get tedious even if you're basically role playing David Bowie at his most cokey.
posted by The Whelk at 8:00 PM on November 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

Oh I should mention the problem with Vamps being "shot like a TV show" is that it's not say, Mad Men or True Blood TV show, it's 2 and a half men kind of TV. It's so such freaking sit-com-y, right down to the phoned in...everything.
posted by The Whelk at 11:43 PM on November 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Of course Dexter is basically a vampire show except he goes out in the sunlight.
posted by The Whelk at 12:03 AM on November 25, 2012

I have watched way too many vampire movies apparently.
posted by The Whelk at 12:05 AM on November 25, 2012

Twilight: What have we learned?
posted by Artw at 11:57 PM on November 25, 2012

The best part of Breaking Dawn: Part 2 is online right now
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:38 PM on November 27, 2012

The best part of Breaking Dawn: Part 2 is online right now

That broke my brain.
For a start that should totally be Alan Cummings.
And I have no idea what is going on, or how that scene could play in any serious context.
posted by Mezentian at 3:43 PM on November 27, 2012

Noooo, it was taken down before I could laugh at it!
posted by Justinian at 11:31 AM on November 28, 2012

Overthinking It: Brechtian Alienation in Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Why did we just buy into twenty minutes of intense action and death-by-decapitation, only to be told that none of this actually happened? Oh, right. Because this is just a movie, not an actual tense vampire stand-off in the forest.

posted by the man of twists and turns at 1:15 AM on December 1, 2012