That is easily enough to fracture multiple facial bones, and is probably going to knock you out cold.

December 20, 2012 10:30 AM

So, how badly injured were the burglars in Home Alone, really?
posted by The Whelk (48 comments total)

I'd love to see this analysis applied to the career of Moe Howard.
posted by Thorzdad at 10:34 AM on December 20, 2012 [10 favorites]

The most upsetting thing about the article is that apparently Home Alone's been out long enough now that a doctor can talk about having seen this when he was 8.
posted by SmileyChewtrain at 10:34 AM on December 20, 2012 [58 favorites]

The Home Alone Novelizations Are Horrifying Torture Porn
posted by Greg Nog at 10:37 AM on December 20, 2012 [9 favorites]

Home Alone always was a quintessential Christmas mov...

That means the skin and bone tissue on Harry's skull will be so damaged and rotted that his skull bone is essentially dying and will likely require a transplant.

Nevermind.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 10:37 AM on December 20, 2012 [6 favorites]

No wonder they left the little sociopath at home.
posted by book 'em dano at 10:39 AM on December 20, 2012 [9 favorites]

Home Alone, the Christmas movie in the tradition of Die Hard.
posted by dhartung at 10:41 AM on December 20, 2012 [7 favorites]

The Home Alone Novelizations Are Horrifying Torture Porn

I think I may actually have read one of these, for reasons that even at the time were probably not very clear.

I also had someone give me a really terrible boardgame based on the second film for Christmas one year.

Related: Ryan North reads the Back to the Future novelization.
posted by brennen at 10:42 AM on December 20, 2012

Home Alone, the Christmas movie in the tradition of Die Hard.

Isn't Die Hard already a Christmas movie?
posted by brennen at 10:43 AM on December 20, 2012 [18 favorites]

I found the movie disturbing even as a child.

The NES game however was some next level shit.
posted by 2bucksplus at 10:43 AM on December 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

Home Alone is actually subtle Marxist propaganda showing the vicious ruthlessness of the ruling class.
posted by The Whelk at 10:44 AM on December 20, 2012 [35 favorites]

The most upsetting thing about the article is that apparently Home Alone's been out long enough now that a doctor can talk about having seen this when he was 8.

I noticed that too. The people who are younger than me are getting younger and younger.
posted by orange swan at 10:50 AM on December 20, 2012 [12 favorites]

Home Alone is actually subtle Marxist propaganda showing the vicious ruthlessness of the ruling class.

You know, I caught the last 15 minutes on TV the other night, and the thing that struck me, more than anything, was the obscene wealth. They live in a gigantic mansion surrounded by normal homes, and almost certainly spent ten or twenty thousand dollars bringing the whole family back from Paris on twelve hours' notice.

Next time through, I'm rooting for the Wet Bandits.
posted by uncleozzy at 10:52 AM on December 20, 2012 [9 favorites]

Guerrilla war on Christmas thieves...
posted by Chuffy at 10:52 AM on December 20, 2012

You just know his father works for some Defense contractor so his son's little asymmetric warfare is a microcosm of the corrupt worldwide military industrial complex.
posted by The Whelk at 10:55 AM on December 20, 2012 [20 favorites]

Uncleozzy that bothered me too. Who the hell are these people, and why can't they buy a decent security system and/or hire a nanny to keep track of their kids?
posted by emjaybee at 10:56 AM on December 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

The worst part was when Joe Pesci's character is beaten almost to death in a corn field and buried alive. Maybe that was in part two though?
posted by orme at 10:57 AM on December 20, 2012 [6 favorites]

The worst part was when Joe Pesci's character is beaten almost to death in a corn field and buried alive.

HOME ALONE: A Martin Scorsese Film
posted by davidjmcgee at 10:59 AM on December 20, 2012 [6 favorites]

Good on the doc for playing along. Next I'd like to see a psychotherapist analyze everything that happens in my fave Xmas film, The Ref.
posted by FelliniBlank at 11:00 AM on December 20, 2012 [3 favorites]

Ugh, I distinctly remember being very disturbed by that movie but too embarrassed to admit it.
posted by roll truck roll at 11:05 AM on December 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

I have seen that movie probably ten times and only this year did it occur to me to wonder why he waited to call the police after he had already beaten the shit out of the burglars.
posted by something something at 11:07 AM on December 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

Back in the late 90s, I was ridiculed for showing Die Hard and Home Alone at a Christmas movie marathon. Philistines. I should have only invited mefites.
posted by brand-gnu at 11:09 AM on December 20, 2012 [5 favorites]

And at the end, a representative of the masses who has been "saved" by religion (that old opiate) comes to the aid of Capitol, avoiding true solidarity and sympathy with his abused brothers.

A Good Movie.
posted by The Whelk at 11:09 AM on December 20, 2012 [3 favorites]

I love the dryness of "Kevin has moved from 'defending his house' into sheer malice, in my opinion."
posted by jason_steakums at 11:09 AM on December 20, 2012 [8 favorites]

Is it possible that the kid from The Omen somehow escaped and joined the McCallister household?
posted by vidur at 11:11 AM on December 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

Isn't Die Hard already a Christmas movie?

That was my point. This is a case study of why I am bad at favorite-whoring.
posted by dhartung at 11:11 AM on December 20, 2012 [5 favorites]

Is it possible that the kid from The Omen somehow escaped and joined the McCallister household?

Have you seen The Good Son?
posted by The Whelk at 11:12 AM on December 20, 2012 [3 favorites]

NOW I HAVE
A RUBE GOLDBERG MACHINE
HO HO HO
posted by griphus at 11:14 AM on December 20, 2012 [10 favorites]

Have you seen The Good Son?

Don't be ridiculous, The Whelk, nobody saw The Good Son.
posted by Rangeboy at 11:14 AM on December 20, 2012 [3 favorites]

almost certainly spent ten or twenty thousand dollars bringing the whole family back from Paris on twelve hours' notice.

Welll, flights were a lot cheaper in 1990. Of course, their house netted a cool $1.5M this year.
posted by zvs at 11:19 AM on December 20, 2012

What the hell? A shitty single-family house in my boondocks Brooklyn neighborhood goes for a million minimum.
posted by griphus at 11:21 AM on December 20, 2012

I saw The Good Son. In a first run movie theather. *shamefaced*

Also, the first two Die Hards and the first Lethal Weapon are all Christmas movies.
posted by kmz at 11:22 AM on December 20, 2012

Seriously that house has a freaking conservatory- how was the selling price so low, was it sold to a family member or friend? Is it haunted?
posted by The Whelk at 11:24 AM on December 20, 2012

Welll, flights were a lot cheaper in 1990.

Perhaps, but money was also worth a lot more.
posted by adamdschneider at 11:25 AM on December 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

• Per capita income $277,371
• Home value median: $1,532,440 (2008, Coldwell Banker)

Okay I am pretty sure Winnetka is some Illinois suburb populated entirely by Scrooge McDuck.
posted by griphus at 11:26 AM on December 20, 2012 [3 favorites]

Seriously that house has a freaking conservatory- how was the selling price so low, was it sold to a family member or friend? Is it haunted?

Did you read the article? Whoever did the inspection is lucky if they still have multiple limbs and their entire face.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 11:27 AM on December 20, 2012 [4 favorites]

What the hell? A shitty single-family house in my boondocks Brooklyn neighborhood goes for a million minimum.

Yeah, but that's BROOKLYN. Who even knows where Chicago is? not me.
posted by elizardbits at 11:28 AM on December 20, 2012 [9 favorites]

Er yeah, says the new owners where not identified, did I miss something?
posted by The Whelk at 11:29 AM on December 20, 2012

Er yeah, says the new owners where not identified, did I miss something?

They should have some sort of calling card. All the great ones leave their mark.
posted by Hicksu at 11:32 AM on December 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

It's about time for a Home Alone reboot, this time with a "100% medically accurate" tagline.
posted by anazgnos at 11:48 AM on December 20, 2012 [4 favorites]

It's haunted by the ghost of Daniel Stern's career.

he is going to be in A Christmas Story 2 for Pete's sake
posted by Elementary Penguin at 11:55 AM on December 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

Man, I loved this movie as a kid. The weird thing is that I almost don't remember the violence. It was all about the big, beautiful house, and being alone in it. Part of the same reason I dig The Tribe, even as an adult. It's that dream you have as a kid of being in places you're forbidden to go--alone. Even if it's just your own house or some crappy mall or something.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:14 PM on December 20, 2012 [3 favorites]

I have seen that movie probably ten times and only this year did it occur to me to wonder why he waited to call the police after he had already beaten the shit out of the burglars.

Well, at first he wanted to be alone (and thought his family's disappearance happened through magic, since they didn't take their cars to the airport). Then he accidentally stole a toothbrush and thought he couldn't go to the police because he was "a criminal".

John Hughes was always the master of exceedingly complicated circumstantial coincidences.
posted by EmGeeJay at 2:15 PM on December 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

Ooh ooh ooh this is where I can do a thing. So the scene where Kevin's setting up the matchbox car trap? Those hands are actually my elementary school friend Ben's - his hands were apparently more photogenic than Macaulay Culkin's. (Culkin came to Ben's birthday party - it would have been his eight or ninth, I think - but he didn't know anyone and mostly stayed with the adults and looked awkward.)

Also my dad will drive people past the Home Alone house at the least provocation. It's his favorite thing to do to tourists.
posted by restless_nomad at 4:54 PM on December 20, 2012 [3 favorites]

So the scene where Kevin's setting up the matchbox car trap? Those hands are actually my elementary school friend Ben's - his hands were apparently more photogenic than Macaulay Culkin's.

Ah, so that's why the scene where he slaps his cheeks and screams after applying aftershave lotion always takes me right out of the movie; He has the gnarled hands of an arthritic Nantucket fisherman.
posted by Atom Eyes at 5:28 PM on December 20, 2012 [3 favorites]

There is now a Home Alone 5.

Home Alone 6 could be shot next year, and there is no real reason Culkin couldn't play the father role.
posted by Mezentian at 5:35 PM on December 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

Should've named it The Passion of the Heist.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 6:31 PM on December 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

Home Alone 7: Assisted Living
posted by Pudhoho at 1:20 AM on December 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

I just bought tickets to take my 8 yr old daughter to see Home Alone at the cinema tomorrow! At 90p each (~$1.50) each I don't see how we can go wrong. And all this talk of violence is just confirming that view. Can't go wrong.
posted by samworm at 3:32 PM on December 21, 2012