Afterlife 2.0

January 17, 2013 10:56 AM

"Hi-Fi is my biggest passion in life and I will take it to the grave."
posted by obscurator (64 comments total)

I always thought I'd like to be cremated with as little fuss as possible, but now I want an open casket funeral blasting "Ace of Spades" as loud as possible.
posted by hydrophonic at 11:05 AM on January 17 [2 favorites]

That's a weird mental image. A high-end custom-tweaked sound system pumping internet tunes to a slowly decaying corpse, forever.
posted by 2bucksplus at 11:06 AM on January 17 [3 favorites]

Is the attractive woman in heels included with package? 'Cause that gets a bit weird and probably illegal. Plus I'm not sure how my wife would feel about that.

But if so, can does she come in different colors?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:06 AM on January 17 [1 favorite]

I would use this to play nothing but the Funeral Doom band Catacombs.
posted by FatherDagon at 11:06 AM on January 17 [1 favorite]

"Don't Fear the Reaper"
posted by ColdChef at 11:07 AM on January 17 [2 favorites]

Holy shit, I saw this on the Colbert Report and didn't think it was actually A Thing.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:08 AM on January 17 [1 favorite]

.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 11:10 AM on January 17

23.5 euros? Seems pretty cheap for an eternal music package. Does the RIAA know about this?
posted by marienbad at 11:10 AM on January 17 [2 favorites]

Pffft... Years ago GG Allin was years ahead of this:

Allin's funeral became a low level party. Friends posed with his corpse, placing drugs and whiskey into his mouth. As the funeral ended, his brother put a pair of headphones on Allin. The headphones were plugged into a portable cassette player, in which was loaded a copy of The Suicide Sessions.

Via Wikipedia
posted by wcfields at 11:10 AM on January 17 [1 favorite]

Is the attractive woman in heels included with package?

If you can afford the coffin you can afford a pretty young grieving widow. And that's the dream isn't it?
posted by 2bucksplus at 11:11 AM on January 17 [1 favorite]

There was a guy in the 70s in the little Tennessee mountain town I lived in that was buried with a TV in his coffin and an antenna sticking out of his grave so that he never had to miss a game. He must be pretty pissed about the digitization.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 11:11 AM on January 17 [11 favorites]

A company whose owners and any still-living customers should be first against the wall when the revolution comes.
posted by crayz at 11:11 AM on January 17

Ummm...you know that...you can't....

I mean SHUT UP AND GIVE ME YOUR MONEY
posted by DU at 11:12 AM on January 17

Or alternatively, there's the promise of eternal damnation via an endless loop of Kenny G. This thing cuts both ways...
posted by mosk at 11:13 AM on January 17 [3 favorites]

Finally, Turkey in the Straw forever and ever!
posted by item at 11:14 AM on January 17 [1 favorite]

In the warm afterglow of having just bought my first set of high-end speakers, this seems only a little bit crazy to me.
posted by eugenen at 11:15 AM on January 17 [1 favorite]

In my early 20s I worked at a startup that meant to "disrupt the funeral services industry" this is not the strangest thing. The saddest thing was scanning catalogs of baby burial wear.

Turns out you can't really disrupt the industry, it is among the most heavily regulated.
posted by Ad hominem at 11:15 AM on January 17

23.5 euros? Seems pretty cheap for an eternal music package.

Those wacky Europeans and their decimal-comma confusion!
posted by Sys Rq at 11:16 AM on January 17 [2 favorites]

DEAD PEOPLE ARE DEAD, PEOPLE!
posted by swift at 11:16 AM on January 17 [5 favorites]

I wonder if you could do the opposite .
Place a highly sensitive microphone in the deceased.
and have the sound of your decomposing loved one sent
to your home.
posted by quazichimp at 11:17 AM on January 17 [16 favorites]

Professor Morgeau gazed into the grave as the first shovelful of dirt rained upon the lid of the casket where his most hated rival was prematurely interred.
"Is this your worst, you fiend?" scoffed Lancelot Jenkins, adventurer, detective and musician pounding from within his dire entrapment.
"No," came the reply from above.

Suddenly, with the press of a button, in sterling hi-fi clarity, music filled the night-filled capsule, drowning out the sounds of the criminal gravediggers doing the Mad Professor's bidding. It was a small, high pitched bit of percussion, repetitive, that Lancelot thought he recognized... Queen! Why had that fiend put in the effort to pipe in the stimulating sound of Freddie Mercury... but wait!

"ICE ICE BABY!"

"Please, mercy! You win!" Jenkins feared he would go mad!
posted by Slap*Happy at 11:19 AM on January 17 [10 favorites]

Since I'm going to be cremated I think I'll just pack my coffin with sheet music.
posted by doctor_negative at 11:24 AM on January 17 [5 favorites]

It's not just the coffins, either. They were playing this on loudspeakers outside the graveyard, the other day.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:25 AM on January 17

I absolutely love it! I want it! Also, I want the speaker to blast the music out of the tombstone-
Take that all other dead people and all visitors that are around dead me, FOREVER! HA.
The really funny part is I want to have my head cryogenically frozen, which means the speaker would be pumping to a headless corpse. Take that all future archeologist. I'll prove to them that this is the Age of Waste, in all true sense of those words.

(But in all seriousness, I truly believe that music is humanities greatest possession)
posted by QueerAngel28 at 11:25 AM on January 17 [1 favorite]

Who's paying for the electricity for this thing in the long term? Seems to defeat the point if the power company shuts it off after a year for non-payment.
posted by dd42 at 11:25 AM on January 17

It's powered by ectoplasm.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:29 AM on January 17 [1 favorite]

I think you have to designate the RIAA and you local power company as beneficiaries if you want to keep the tunes rollin'.
posted by obscurator at 11:37 AM on January 17

Having lost someone recently, who did not have their final wishes COMPLETELY laid out. Mrs Groweler and I have taken to discussing and writing out exactly what we want to happen. This led me to do some research on things like natural burial and cost of caskets etc. I found one company that sold bookcases that convert into a casket. So instead of trying to figure out exactly what casket to bury the corpse in you don't need to worry, the departed arranged it and also made use of it while still alive. This idea is stupid as Swift put so perfectly above. What about a stereo speaker set though that converts to a coffin, useable and kinda cool for the death metal people.
posted by mrgroweler at 11:38 AM on January 17 [2 favorites]

CHECK IT OUT, MY MAN!
posted by zippy at 11:40 AM on January 17 [1 favorite]

GG Allin was years ahead of this

We can never entirely catch up with GG
posted by stbalbach at 11:40 AM on January 17

I respect the Nick Cave, Massive Attack, and some of the others on his I AM DEAD playlist, but some of the tracks might just reanimate the dead with their shittiness. Yes, even in death your fave band sucks.
posted by angrycat at 11:43 AM on January 17 [2 favorites]

No.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 11:45 AM on January 17 [1 favorite]

So now I have to figure out a playlist for my afterlife?
posted by mazola at 11:49 AM on January 17

We can never entirely catch up with GG

Good thing is though with the trail of blood and feces he left we can always track where he went.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 11:53 AM on January 17

Bolero, skipping, ad infinitum.
posted by phaedon at 11:59 AM on January 17 [1 favorite]

At least the woman in the ad took Smog seriously.
posted by yerfatma at 12:03 PM on January 17

Wait, it isn't a floatation tank for goths?
posted by b1tr0t at 12:03 PM on January 17

Allin's funeral became a low level party. Friends posed with his corpse, placing drugs and whiskey into his mouth.

"Low level party"? That sounds more exciting than any of the crazy raucous parties I've been to. At least the ones I've been invited to...
posted by Strange Interlude at 12:09 PM on January 17

I see dead people.

In your dreams?

no

While you're awake?

yes

Dead people like, in graves? In coffins?

rocking out to sick drops like regular people.
posted by CynicalKnight at 12:10 PM on January 17

Clicking through to the actual website, did'ja notice that the system is relying on Spotify? So the viability of being able to pipe in tunes to the sound system over the long-haul, setting aside that whole pesky electricity and equipment maintenance thing, relies on Spotify continuing to be an ongoing service.
posted by QuantumMeruit at 12:10 PM on January 17 [3 favorites]

I want to put a webcam in mine that points at my decomposing body so my friends and enemies can check on my current state at anytime. I call it dead-streaming.
posted by cjorgensen at 12:15 PM on January 17 [2 favorites]

does she come in different colors?

She says she does but between you and me I think she's faking it.
posted by tommasz at 12:18 PM on January 17 [2 favorites]

The webcam in coffin thing is real. I think it's watchmerot.com.
posted by lazaruslong at 12:22 PM on January 17

Ah, seemerot actually.
posted by lazaruslong at 12:23 PM on January 17

It seems that we have indeed gotten retarded in here.
posted by GuyZero at 12:30 PM on January 17 [1 favorite]

If you can afford the coffin you can afford a pretty young grieving widow.

She doesn't look like she's grieving for me at all. Probably be reading my wife's blog.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:32 PM on January 17

seemerot
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 12:34 PM on January 17

I just want it to pump out Tubular Bells full blast, over and over, so anyone walking at ground level gets just a bit creeped out...
posted by pupdog at 12:37 PM on January 17 [3 favorites]

Yeah, knowing my luck, some turd would be buried next to me with Mambo #5 on repeat.
posted by Kafkaesque at 12:52 PM on January 17 [1 favorite]

Oh sure, it seems like a fun idea, until this becomes your afterlife.
posted by mrgoat at 12:58 PM on January 17

Do YOU come with the coffin?
posted by bonobothegreat at 1:00 PM on January 17 [1 favorite]

make it collaborative, allowing friends and family to spare you a thought by adding tracks and keeping it up-to-date.

You'll be rickrolling in your grave.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 1:07 PM on January 17

23.5 euros? Seems pretty cheap for an eternal music package. Does the RIAA know about this?

Ah I can see the confusion: website says 23.500 euros but the decimal point in Europe is actually a comma. This would be better translated as 23,500 euros. NOT 23.5 euros.

So twenty three thousand five hundred euros. So I'm sure the RIAA is fine and dandy with that price tag.
posted by litleozy at 1:08 PM on January 17 [1 favorite]

OK, I'll admit it: I like the idea, generally speaking.
posted by cool breeze at 1:15 PM on January 17

This would be better translated as 23,500 euros. NOT 23.5 euros.

*frantically calls Visa*
posted by jimmythefish at 1:17 PM on January 17 [5 favorites]

Colleague of mine got cremated, at the funeral ceremony in China, his favourite song "We will rock you" by Queen was played. Because this was unusual for the Chinese, it got stuck on repeat for something like 15 times whilst we filed past to pay our last respects and all the way out of the mortuary. I think he would have appreciated this. Shine on.
posted by arcticseal at 1:19 PM on January 17 [4 favorites]

So, in the event that there actually is an afterlife, would you actually be stuck in heaven with music blasting in your ears?

Three beautiful etheral beings: "Would you like to be introduced to an eternity of pleasure beyond anything you've ever experienced before?"
You: "I'm sorry?" [HEY, I JUST MET YOU] "What?" [AND THIS IS CRAZY] "Say that again please?" [BUT HERE'S MY NUMBER]
Three beautiful etheral beings: "This guy's lame - let's bail!"
You: "I wonder what that was all about" [SO CALL ME MAYBE]
posted by Riton at 1:32 PM on January 17

but the decimal point in Europe is actually a comma

Isn't a decimal point always "." in English text?

The thousands separator is "," in the US, and it's taught in schools to be " " in Canada regardless of language, but people usually use "," in English. The decimal point is "," in French, whether you're in Quebec or Europe.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 1:33 PM on January 17

On forums I went to we'd play the 'what music do you want played at your funereal' game, and I'd always end up with a list of 100+ songs.

If I'm going to die might as well have Great Expectations, In The Aeroplane Over The Sea, and Death is Not The End playing for eternity.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 1:38 PM on January 17

I know, it's weird, the website's in English but they're using mainland Europe number style. Cos you're right, decimal point SHOULD always be a "." in English, but here it makes no sense for 23.500 euros to actually mean 23.5 euros. a) why the extra zeroes b) have you ever heard of a cheap funeral?
posted by litleozy at 1:39 PM on January 17

I know it's actually 23 thousand. I just misunderstood & thought you were saying it was a valid way to print that number that way in English somewhere in Europe. Sorry for the derail.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 1:44 PM on January 17

On forums I went to we'd play the 'what music do you want played at your funereal' game, and I'd always end up with a list of 100+ songs.

ROB: Songs at my funeral: "Many Rivers to Cross" by Jimmy Cliff, "Angel" by Aretha Franklin, and I've always had this fantasy that some beautiful, tearful woman would insist on "You're the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me" by Gladys Knight. But who would that woman be?
posted by Rangeboy at 1:44 PM on January 17

Isn't a decimal point always "." in English text?

If I've told you once, I've told you 1.000 times.
posted by Western Infidels at 3:10 PM on January 17 [2 favorites]

Well when I die, buried six foot deep
With a rock 'n' roll record at my feet
A phonograph needle in my hand
I'm gonna rock my way right out of this land

Ronnie Dawson, Rockin' Bones
posted by jonp72 at 6:47 PM on January 17