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Section Two: Bonus Appendages.
January 18, 2013 10:46 PM   Subscribe

Does having sex with you entail becoming married, whether legally, magically, physiologically, or some other de facto permanent relationship? Y/N If Yes, please describe our new life together.
It's an unpredictable dating world out there when you're a fanfiction protagonist. With the proliferation of anonymous kink memes populated by imaginative, trope-savvy slashers and other fan-writers (usually women), you can never be quite sure when your next amorous encounter in fic may veer into the dubiously probable or physically impossible. Luckily for sexually-active fic-heroes everywhere, fan-writers Coruscera and Linbot have created a helpful meta-fandom survey to ensure your future romantic interludes run smoothly for all partners involved: "Special Circumstances Questionnaire for Sexual Partners (Male): Long Form." [NSFW for explicit sexual language. Possible trigger warnings for discussion of sexual consent and very unusual sexual practices.]
posted by nicebookrack (19 comments total) 11 users marked this as a favorite

 
This is, sadly, not the Special Circumstances for which I was hoping. Needs more knife missiles.
posted by Justinian at 11:00 PM on January 18, 2013 [23 favorites]


Are there any other rituals or practices you require during sex? Y/N If Yes, please be specific. More paper is available upon request.
posted by moody cow at 11:17 PM on January 18, 2013


I, too, am also disappointed that this does not involve Special Circumstances. Meatfucker!
posted by thewalrus at 11:24 PM on January 18, 2013 [1 favorite]


This would be an entirely helpful document in the context of The Culture, though!
posted by nicebookrack at 11:33 PM on January 18, 2013 [3 favorites]


Well they missed at least one important question, namely "Will having sex with you cause YOU to become pregnant?"
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:35 PM on January 18, 2013 [1 favorite]


from the latest Culture novel:

“Well, we’ve changed the place a bit,” Ximenyr said, walking in front of the reporter arbite with its camera eyes. He was granting an exclusive interview, letting just one media representative in initially before the airship was opened up to everybody else. “The last eight days have been very busy with restructuring. Quite radical restructuring, involving pretty much everybody on board, which has been one reason for keeping people away, though mostly it’s just to make it a more exciting reveal.” He smiled at the arbite. Ximenyr was dressed in a plain white shift. Five of his fellow party-​goers, similarly clad, accompanied him and the arbite along the dark, broad, gently downward-​curving corridor. “Many of us have been doing our own personal restructuring too,” he said. Ximenyr waved one hand. “I had all sorts of weird shit going on with my body, but I’ve brought myself back to something much more standard, much more pure, even.”
“Do you regret your early excesses?” the arbite asked. It was taking instructions from a panel of bio-​journalists spread across Xown and beyond. An AI was collating their queries and producing representative questions.
“Oh no,” Ximenyr said, looking almost serious. “One should never regret one’s excesses, only one’s failures of nerve.”
“Is it true your body was covered in over a hundred penises?”
“No. I think the most I ever had was about sixty, but that was slightly too many. I settled on fifty-​three as the maximum. Even then it was very difficult maintaining an erection in all of them at the same time, even with four hearts. And most of them had to remain dry, or produce only, well, sort of sweat-​gland quantities of ejaculate. Though it was very nice ejaculate; sort of slightly oily perfume, and not in the least icky. Unless you thought about it, of course.”
“Do you feel you are a more serious artist now?”
“No. I have claimed to be an artist in the past, but really all I’ve ever been is a sort of glorified surgeon. I would like to think I’ve been artistic at times and shown artistic flare and so on, but I think that, especially now that we’re nearly at the end of things, it’s all right to abandon claims and pretensions and just relax a bit. Maybe I’ve inspired artistry and artisticness in others; that’d be a happy assessment.”
“What is the greatest number of people you’ve had sex with at the same time?”
“About forty-​four, forty-​five, forty-​six? It was hard to be sure, in the heat of the moment. We tried to get to the maximum, of fifty-​three, obviously, but even in effective zero-​G, all oiled up and most people just sticking their hands in from the outside of this heaving mass of bodies, we just couldn’t make it. Too close together. And also, frankly, I think some people got too excited and interested in each other rather than going for this record with me, you know? Still, it was a lot of fun trying. On the other hand, it was an effort, too, you know? So much preparation and set-​up and planning and briefing. Sex should be about spontaneous fun, don’t you think? Anyway, here we are.”

posted by thewalrus at 11:37 PM on January 18, 2013 [3 favorites]


Any aliens reading this: if you ever find yourself somehow doubting that human beings are very weird, read the linked-to "Special Circumstances Questionnaire" article.
posted by JHarris at 12:29 AM on January 19, 2013


This is, sadly, not the Special Circumstances for which I was hoping. Needs more knife missiles.

Ah. Allow me to introduce you to Turminder Xuss. A master of disguise.
posted by sebastienbailard at 2:37 AM on January 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


Kink memes have been linked to imbroglios and wank

"Wank" seems to epitomise the whole thing admirably.
posted by Segundus at 2:51 AM on January 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


Do you have any nemeses (personal or traditional) whose enmity will be roused by having sex with you? Y/N If Yes, please describe threat level(s).

Robocop is Bleeding's Hierarchy of Threats is invaluable here. The variables are Scope, Modus Operandi, and Power Level.

Let's say I'm interested in dating someone who's ex is the Swamp Thing. He's functionally omnipresent, able to manifest himself wherever plant life exists. He has incredible strength, the ability to control plants and is near-indestructible. However, he's not possessive and generally quite passive, reacting only if provoked. I might be in extreme danger if I mistreated his ex, but given his Modus Operandi he's less of a threat than an ordinary human stalker.

Ramona may have seven evil exes, but I would be safe from them so long as I avoid the Greater Toronto Area. The threat is limited in scope.

Inescapable, implacable and invincible -- very few nemeses are all three. Full disclosure is a must, but your nemeses will be less of a turn-off if you can provide your would-be partner with a survival strategy.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 3:05 AM on January 19, 2013 [3 favorites]


Aww. And I was just looking -- purely out of curiosity -- for Culture fanfic this morning, and thought this was a serendipitous FPP.

(I was also wittering on about writing crossover SC/Homestuck fic but that's neither here nor there...)

Ahem. This is good, though. When I can't sleep I browse AO3 looking for non-gross fanfics and they're surprisingly hard to find.
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 6:18 AM on January 19, 2013


When I can't sleep I browse AO3 looking for non-gross fanfics and they're surprisingly hard to find.

rated teen and up for language, drug use
posted by The Whelk at 6:57 AM on January 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


Oh my god bookmarked. I will read this, most likely at 3am.
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 7:04 AM on January 19, 2013


When I can't sleep I browse AO3 looking for non-gross fanfics and they're surprisingly hard to find.

None of my fic is gross because I am boring. Alternately: Advanced-searching by tag, descend-sorted by hits, is how I find the good stuff. Here's Gen and Teen & Up; add tags as needed.
posted by nicebookrack at 8:05 AM on January 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


A++, would like to see more (any) characters answer something like it.
posted by immlass at 10:24 AM on January 19, 2013


i feel creepy when i have occasion to view "fanfiction" because i'm a relatively normal, boring person and i feel like there's no way it's not going to turn into me gawking at people like one of those banal worst-of-the-web sites that proliferated back before everything got facebookified

a still small voice in the back of my head sternly saying "This is not for you."
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 11:36 AM on January 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


Ramona may have seven evil exes, but I would be safe from them so long as I avoid the Greater Toronto Area. The threat is limited in scope.

The exes all came from the States to Toronto, so staying out of the GTA wouldn't help.

Ahem. This is good, though. When I can't sleep I browse AO3 looking for non-gross fanfics and they're surprisingly hard to find.

It probably depends on the fandom, but sticking to Gen or Teen rated stuff should do the trick, or reading the warnings on mature or explicit fiction. I'm not bothered by romance, even explicit, but I'm super creeped out by non-consensual stuff or power-play so I avoid that by looking at the warnings (and the characters - if someone is paired with a canonically psychopathic character, it's probably not a sweet story).

But it is funny when people seem to think the whole of fan fiction is slash. Sure, there's a lot of slash, but when going through the fanfic for one fandom I found it was mostly gen-stuff "what happens in the future" or "what was this missing scene like", with some original adventure stories. Even the slash wasn't really the sort of off-the-wall stuff you see elsewhere, but a serious (and well-written) exploration of a plausible relationship which faced serious challenges.

TV tropes had good recommendations (sorted by fandom) - also, you can sort by Kudos within a list.
posted by jb at 1:10 PM on January 19, 2013


> The exes all came from the States to Toronto, so staying out of the GTA wouldn't help.

Date me, all my exes live in Texas.
posted by jfuller at 6:50 PM on January 19, 2013


But Texas is the place I'd dearly love to be.
posted by nicebookrack at 6:56 PM on January 19, 2013


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