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S is for Spoiler, so you are thus warned
January 24, 2013 11:12 AM   Subscribe


 
Well they certainly have enough characters to work with.
posted by 2bucksplus at 11:16 AM on January 24, 2013


ASOIAF has enough gory deaths for three of those. Well done!
posted by helion at 11:19 AM on January 24, 2013


This is great.

F is for Freys, who are all going to hang.

The North remembers.
posted by lunasol at 11:22 AM on January 24, 2013 [6 favorites]


FUCK! SPOILERS GALORE!

Should have known better than to click ...
posted by maudlin at 11:25 AM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'd love to say these spoil the ending of A Song of Fire and Ice but there will never be an ending. Fuck.
posted by srboisvert at 11:30 AM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor
posted by mcstayinskool at 11:32 AM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


SPOILERS GALORE!

Not necessarily:

EDIT 11/16/2012: Thanks for the hits, reddit/io9/FB visitors! Please note that Kaleadora did the art, and that we collaborated on this back in 2009, so things covered in A Dance with Dragons (or on the HBO show for that matter) are obviously not included. And, as I thought would be clear due to the tongue-in-cheek nature of the work, but apparently needs to be clearer - not all of these are real/canonical, so please don't bother to complain that so-and-so isn't really dead, or didn't die in the way mentioned in the poem - I probably just picked them because their name started with the right letter and I could think of a rhyme.
posted by mefireader at 11:38 AM on January 24, 2013


To be sure, there are a lot of spoilers in this for people reading the books. But given the warning I put in 24pt text above the link, let's maybe not spoil the thread over it.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:41 AM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


Not necessarily:

THAT DOESN'T HELP! When I finally get back to the pile of GRRM by my bed, I'll feel thoroughly faked out every time C------ or some other name I may recognize is close to anyone with a sharp object or even goes swimming less than one hour after eating. Where is my solicitor's phone number?

On preview: not complaining, just showboating.
posted by maudlin at 11:44 AM on January 24, 2013


...so please don't bother to complain that so-and-so isn't really dead, or didn't die in the way mentioned in the poem - I probably just picked them because their name started with the right letter and I could think of a rhyme.
Damn. I had a list.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 11:48 AM on January 24, 2013


Hmmm, I think he may be a bit off about how the Freys snuff it.
posted by codacorolla at 11:49 AM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


There are so many Freys that they can be associated with dozens of deaths.

Also, as of Feast for Crows, he's right on target.
posted by Joey Michaels at 12:02 PM on January 24, 2013


I took the Freys one as aspirational.

The one about Nan, too. I hope she's still around, but we don't know.
posted by lunasol at 12:12 PM on January 24, 2013


Tywin is my favourite. Ignominious way to go for a guy who deserved it.
posted by arcticseal at 12:14 PM on January 24, 2013


Feels a bit like you're spoiling for a fight, Blazecock.
posted by ODiV at 12:17 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Also, as of Feast for Crows, he's right on target.

Z and N are speculation.

Not sure what's going on with K and Q.

H doesn't scan.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 12:17 PM on January 24, 2013


Wow, you'd almost think people hadn't read the title of this post.
posted by mysterpigg at 12:18 PM on January 24, 2013


The (spoilerlessly-described) couplet ending in "impaled with an arrow"/"frozen solid in snow" jangles; the rhyming syllables differ in stress. Perhaps "shot with a bow" would be better?
posted by baf at 12:20 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


Oh yeah, I'd forgotten about the hanged Freys. It's been so long since I've read the whole thing from cover to cover and there are so many characters that I tend to forget stuff like that.
posted by codacorolla at 12:21 PM on January 24, 2013


Which people, mysterpigg? I count maybe one.
posted by ODiV at 12:22 PM on January 24, 2013


Feels a bit like you're spoiling for a fight, Blazecock.

Nah, I am just hopeful that people enjoy the link in the general spirit of sharing fun stuff, and I was trying to avoid a problematic derail that happened anyway. So it goes.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:23 PM on January 24, 2013


And my pun goes unappreciated. :(
posted by ODiV at 12:27 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


HODOR HODOR HODOR HODORY!
posted by Diagonalize at 12:43 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


Clive Barker has a new Gashlycrumb spoof too.
posted by painquale at 12:49 PM on January 24, 2013


Tywin is my favourite. Ignominious way to go for a guy who deserved it.

My favourite bit about Tywin is that the Lannisters start the books rich as a Lannister and consolidate power quickly. However, Martin shows that only a generation ago they were laughing stock and the way things go they might fall once more. In retrospect, Tywin was still an amoral ass, but he had solid motives.
posted by ersatz at 1:04 PM on January 24, 2013


In retrospect, Tywin was still an amoral ass, but he had solid motives.

Tywin's a really interesting case; if you're a noble in a competing faction, he's a total motherfucker. But if you're one of the Westerosi smallfolk, Tywin Lannister's leadership is arguably better for you than that of most of the other nobles (unless you happen to live in a town that Tywin decides to destroy as an object lesson). He's ruthless, but very effective; there's no question that he's a better politician than Ned Stark or Robert Baratheon; in his way, his less of a hardass than Stannis.

If you look at the books as being mostly concerned about what makes a good leader, Tywin comes out towards the top (underneath Jon Snow and Danaerys, although in her case we see every inch of her progression up the leadership learning curve). He's a shit to his family, and that's his undoing, and I actually think that he's in there partially as an object lesson of how being effective isn't enough if you shit in your own nest and make a bunch of enemies in your household.
posted by COBRA! at 1:16 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


And my pun goes unappreciated. :(

Ah, sorry. My fault.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:52 PM on January 24, 2013


Yeah, Tywin was saner than the average Westerosi noble seems to be, and is certainly one of the few presented as having had much affection for his spouse. It'll be interesting to see if the HBO show keeps the same ending for him, since they've edited down his poor treatment of Tyrion quite a bit.
posted by tautological at 2:13 PM on January 24, 2013


Hey, GRRM put a sample chapter of The Winds of Winter (Arianne I) up on his website a couple of weeks ago! Sweet! Off to read....
posted by painquale at 2:44 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


All of TWOW preview chapters and summaries of readings are collected here (Googledoc PDF.)
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 4:30 PM on January 24, 2013


Wait, is Nan really still somehow still around? I thought she bit it in the sack of Winterfell.
posted by whir at 8:46 PM on January 24, 2013


The actress playing old Nan died recently, so her character in the show will probably be written to have died as well. In the books, Nan hasn't shown up since A Clash of Kings and is rumored to have died, but anything is possible.
posted by painquale at 10:30 PM on January 24, 2013


It's worth noting that some people have titles turned off on the front page and therefore may not see the spoiler alert before clicking through to the link.
posted by ultraviolet catastrophe at 5:19 AM on January 25, 2013


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