Penis Pan

February 4, 2013 9:49 PM

So, you own a Penis Cake Pan, but the Bachelorette Party is over, I'm sure you're thinking, "What am I going to do with this penis pan?" Well, I'll show you! Here at Penis Pans.com, I've put together some examples of other cakes you can make with your penis pan.
posted by cmoj (73 comments total)

Holleeeeeeeeee sh*t. That is amazing.
posted by wemayfreeze at 10:04 PM on February 4

Nope, still penises.
posted by too bad you're not me at 10:06 PM on February 4 [75 favorites]

When all you have is a penis pan, anything looks like a cake.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:06 PM on February 4 [29 favorites]

Hi,

I'm Holly, a freelance project type of girl. I'm a bit of a crafter and I do funny things. I went to art school and can make just about anything in the kitchen. I have a real job, you may even call it a career, so I'm not going to list my name on the Penis Cakes website. You will have to excuse me for that.

Regardless, I'm not some kind of cake ninja, I'm just a girl who makes funny things. It is funny to make something from a penis cake pan, then when your friends eat it you can quietly chuckle. I hope you will make something from the site and share it with me.

Hi Holly. Any suggestions on what I can do with both my penis cake pan and my bundt cake pan?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:10 PM on February 4 [38 favorites]

It looks likes a dink, but smaller...
posted by mazola at 10:14 PM on February 4

Aww, site down for me.
posted by Joh at 10:15 PM on February 4

lol...i just sent her a suggestion for st. patrick's day...the super-lucky 2-leaf clover...
posted by sexyrobot at 10:17 PM on February 4 [2 favorites]

Coral cache in case the original site proves impotent or half-baked.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 10:28 PM on February 4 [8 favorites]

I was somehow just reminded that I need to work the phrase "dick wizard" into my conversations on a more regular basis.
posted by louche mustachio at 10:30 PM on February 4 [4 favorites]

It's mostly penises right now. -- TechCrunch
posted by dhartung at 10:33 PM on February 4 [1 favorite]

She should try something that's not a euphemism for penis.
posted by hydrophonic at 10:34 PM on February 4

She should try something that's not a euphemism for penis.

You try making a 'Car Insurance' cake with a penis pan goddammit.
posted by carsonb at 10:40 PM on February 4 [19 favorites]

Well I own a penis and I own a cake pan.
posted by mazola at 10:48 PM on February 4 [3 favorites]

To paraphrase Soylent Green, "IT'S STILL MADE OUT OF PENIS!"
posted by Perko at 10:52 PM on February 4

How did you find this? Been looking forever. My google search was "penis cake pan uses". What did I do wrong?
posted by psmealey at 10:59 PM on February 4 [3 favorites]

That Palm Tree ain't foolin' anyone. The Alligator was pretty darn good, even though it looks more like a Cockodile to me.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:01 PM on February 4 [33 favorites]

Those are the most phallic looking cakes I have ever seen :( I hope she busts one out for a niece or nephew's birthday party though. Ironically the least penis looking one is the tree.
posted by cairdeas at 11:01 PM on February 4 [1 favorite]

Actually I think this is an even better idea than making a straight-up penis cake for a bachelorette party, which is a little corny. Make a nice palm tree or fireworks cake for the bridal shower, so all the uptight relatives will have to politely say nice things about it...
posted by cairdeas at 11:04 PM on February 4 [11 favorites]

My google search was "penis cake pan uses".

"Penis cake pan" brings the site and a Buzzfeed link as the fourth and third result. No quote marks for penis cake pan uses has it as the first result. Weird!
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:04 PM on February 4

Just the the thing for our synagogue kitchen. We have a lot circumcision parties, the Seattle Erotic Bakery isn't kosher, and Jews do love to nosh....
posted by Dreidl at 11:06 PM on February 4 [7 favorites]

too bad you're not me: "Nope, still penises."

Interesting. You realize these are actually photos of Rorschach cakes, right?
posted by brundlefly at 11:07 PM on February 4 [19 favorites]

whyyyy was there no jiggly neon red jello penis? i am dissappoint
posted by ninjew at 11:11 PM on February 4 [2 favorites]

"You got penis in my cake!"

"You got cake in my penis!"

[history is made]
posted by mazola at 11:11 PM on February 4 [3 favorites]

They're great if you don't know what the pan was originally used for. If you do, then all you see is penis.
posted by Slackermagee at 11:21 PM on February 4 [2 favorites]

then all you see is penis

Penis-vision AND cake? I'm in.
posted by malthusan at 11:25 PM on February 4 [5 favorites]

Reminds me of this cat.
posted by Grandysaur at 11:47 PM on February 4 [4 favorites]

It's like what Carvel did to Fudgie the Whale!

Although the cake depicts the shape of a whale and was originally decorated as such, it was adapted for holiday uses by rotating it 90 degrees counter-clockwise so that the whale's body, now upright, could represent a face. The whale's tail would then represent whatever a character traditionally had on its head: the Easter Bunny's ears, a leprechaun's hat, or Santa Claus's tassel. Fudgie the Whale was often promoted around Father's Day, using the slogan, "For a whale of a dad."

posted by funkiwan at 11:47 PM on February 4 [6 favorites]

Reminds me of this cat.

Or this dog
posted by aubilenon at 11:58 PM on February 4 [11 favorites]

Betty...Cocker
posted by ShutterBun at 12:10 AM on February 5 [2 favorites]

Now, call me suspicious, but I think this is just basically a front for Big Hen.
I mean all the links go to Bachelorette.com.

Holly probably works for them.
posted by Mezentian at 12:58 AM on February 5

Q: What's phallic and sounds like a bell?

A: Dong.
posted by Joe in Australia at 1:00 AM on February 5 [7 favorites]

"You got penis in my cake!"

"You got cake in my penis!"

[history a trip to the hospital is made]
posted by littlesq at 1:03 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

It's 4:36 am, I'm up with a sick dog (I'm just telling you that because I need an excuse).

Because you capitalized both words, I read that title as "Peter Pan". The resulting discussion didn't make much sense, but, in a way, it did. Now I can't sleep.

Now I want cake.

damn dog
posted by HuronBob at 1:41 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

Those are the most phallic looking cakes I have ever seen

Well.....yeah.

It's 4:36 am, I'm up with a sick dog

....You don't live on Vanderbilt Avenue in Brooklyn, do you? (because SOMEONE'S dog has been barking for a SOLID HOUR and all the police can do is send a letter about how to quiet a barking dog GOD-DAMMIT)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:45 AM on February 5

Nope, Empress, that's not my dog. My poor pup is now sleeping at my feet exactly 632 miles away from Vanderbilt Ave.
posted by HuronBob at 1:52 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

You try making a 'Car Insurance' cake with a penis pan goddammit.

Hrm. Two wheels and a cartoonish car with an oversized tri-fold of paper as "proof of insurance" poking out of the top?

Eh, I guess you'd still be getting fucked.
posted by loquacious at 1:52 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

TIL penis pans exist.

Oh, world. Oh, humanity.
posted by Decani at 1:53 AM on February 5

This is as good of a place to tell this story as any, because penis.

I once lived with some artistic folks that had a rather large carved weed pipe. A large, pink pipe. A large pink penis pipe.

It was cut out of pink/salmon colored soapstone or something and was just the sort of carving you'd find at any souvenir shop in Tijuana. It was just about life sized, alarming veiny, circumcised and had the bowl carved above the balls at the base of the shaft, and the stem and smoke came out of a hole right where the urethra should be.

There was absolutely no way to smoke out of it without looking like you were about to slurp on some massive dong. It was intentionally very awkward and suggestive.

The story was that they had had the pipe for many years and it had served as a really accurate personality test. If you weren't uptight you'd just shrug and get over it and smoke out of it. Because a penis pipe is really just a pipe.

But if you were uptight? If you refused to smoke from it, assuming you wanted to smoke the devil's wheatgrass as a guest in their house? Apparently everyone who failed that test ended up being bad news and all kinds of trouble. I only saw one person refuse once, and he totally ended up being a confirmed dick.

Well, I saw two people refuse. The other one was a hairdresser and painter friend from the neighborhood who was ultrafabulously gay, but he was a good Hispanic Catholic boy who was everything but openly out of the closet because, basically, he didn't want to break his mama's heart. We gave him a pass and didn't push the issue because he looked like he was about to faint and blush himself to death.
posted by loquacious at 2:10 AM on February 5 [27 favorites]

TIL penis pans exist.

Wait, you've never seen anything like this before? You've never seen phallic baked goods? No cookies? No molded chocolate on a stick? No penis soap-on-a-rope? No zombie-shambling bachelorette or hen parties?

These things have been around since at least the 60s or 70s if not much earlier. There's a whole industry for this stuff. You can get penis hats, penis napkins, mardi gras beads with penis medallions, penis shaped silly sunglasses, giant inflatable penises, squeezy penis stress balls, penis pencil eraser toppers, penis finger puppets, wind up hopping mechanical penises... heck you can probably get penis-shaped penises with penises all over it.
posted by loquacious at 2:20 AM on February 5 [3 favorites]

Further cake suggestions:

Baseball bat and balls.

Giant flatworm.

Geoduck.

Ostrich head with neck. (Add marzipan beak between cock and balls.)

ET, the Extra Terrestrial.

Stalk of broccoli.

Camel or llama face.

Dune Sandworm.

Elmo, Cookie Monster or Beaker.

Thanksgiving cornucopia centerpiece.

Sperm impregnating... two eggs?

Bridal bouquet.
posted by loquacious at 2:37 AM on February 5 [3 favorites]

loquacious: "Because a penis pipe is really just a pipe."

Old Doctor Freud would have had something to say about this... or would he?
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 3:10 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

Sperm impregnating... two eggs?.... there's something very meta about this.
posted by HuronBob at 3:36 AM on February 5

Ah, like the regrettably lost Magritte painting Ceci est une pipe.
posted by Segundus at 3:41 AM on February 5 [4 favorites]

And now that I'm more awake -

Dude, you could get so many more ideas out of the cake if you let yourself cut the balls off and reposition them:

* Saguaro cactus. (Move balls up to either side of cake. Use cupcakes to supplement length of cactus "arms".)

* Stretch limo. (The balls both go along one side - one towards one end, one towards the other - and are the wheels.)

* Eel. (Balls go on either side of cake and are fins.)

Etc.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:10 AM on February 5

My brother in law used to run around as a child singing:

Penis penis penis penis penis penis SONG
Penis penis penis penis penis ALL DAY LOOONG!

And that's all I hear when I see these.
posted by emjaybee at 4:36 AM on February 5 [3 favorites]

It's not even my birthday, but he wanna lick the icing off.

Giant flatworm.

[shudders]

Geoduck.

[flatlines]
posted by psoas at 4:45 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

There are two different cake pans in use in those pictures, right?

I really don't think there's any plausible deniability with those cakes. Maybe the alligator.
posted by jeather at 5:15 AM on February 5

The real value of this website is as a tremendous list of ideas for disguising actual penises.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 5:25 AM on February 5 [10 favorites]

I have to admit to always being utterly confused over the extreme phallocentric nature of bachelorette party paraphernalia. It all seems a bit...worshipful. As if the young girl's life has led up to this moment of...what? Getting a dick of her very own?

Then add-in the consumption of phallic cake, candies, etc. and the symbolism gets really weird.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:48 AM on February 5 [3 favorites]

Carvel was notorious for this kind of thing. Yes, Fudgie the Whale became Santa, but Dumpy the Pumpkin was Wicky the Witch and was Cookie Puss and the Chanukah cake.

These cakes seem like that.
posted by plinth at 5:51 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

My brother in law used to run around as a child singing:

Penis penis penis penis penis penis SONG
Penis penis penis penis penis ALL DAY LOOONG!

I think I know where he heard that.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:21 AM on February 5

loquacious: "TIL penis pans exist.

Wait, you've never seen anything like this before? You've never seen phallic baked goods? No cookies? No molded chocolate on a stick? No penis soap-on-a-rope? No zombie-shambling bachelorette or hen parties?

These things have been around since at least the 60s or 70s if not much earlier. There's a whole industry for this stuff. You can get penis hats, penis napkins, mardi gras beads with penis medallions, penis shaped silly sunglasses, giant inflatable penises, squeezy penis stress balls, penis pencil eraser toppers, penis finger puppets, wind up hopping mechanical penises... heck you can probably get penis-shaped penises with penises all over it."

Similarly there are boob pans, boob lollipops, pin the boob on the babe games...

I learned this at a bachelor party I attended recently, run primarily by a female friend of the groom. I gather male-run bachelor parties have less in the way of the shower-type party games, but the sheer amount of off-color "gag" merchandise the host found was mind boggling.

And yes, we had "boob cake". I guess that cake pan could be repurposed to make, er, huge tracts of land? A pair of silos?
posted by Karmakaze at 6:32 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

it's cocks all the way down
posted by SharkParty at 6:39 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

Penis Pan was JM Barrie's masterpiece. Second cock to the right and straight on til moaning.
posted by dr_dank at 6:52 AM on February 5 [3 favorites]

Sigh, I'm still sad Masterbakers closed in NYC.
posted by armacy at 6:59 AM on February 5

I put on my robe and wizard penis hat
posted by usonian at 7:21 AM on February 5 [2 favorites]

Actually, I think the weenzard and the cockodile are pretty brilliant and wouldn't immediately think PENIS when confronted with either.

That palm tree is totally a penis, though. Really, did you think making those 'nuts would disguise that?
posted by maryr at 7:39 AM on February 5

PS: While I agree that the penile obsession in the bachelorette industry is disturbing in and of itself, the weird product to me is the penis pasta. You don't just eat it, you boil it first and then cover it in red sauce?!

PPS: Why doesn't Chrome recognize the word bachelorette?
posted by maryr at 7:42 AM on February 5

I once lived with some artistic folks that had a rather large carved weed pipe. A large, pink pipe. A large pink penis pipe.

Huh. So I bought a similar thing in Peru as a gift for my friend who was a weird combination of uptight and ...something to make us unsure if he was into guys.* But he loved to smoke so it seemed reasonable. Mine was smaller, maybe a foot high or so. Very erect penis to smoke out of.

I was 21 or so, travelling with my parents over Christmas. They were heading on to Chile so gave me essentially a big bag of individually-wrapped presents for their friends, asking me to take them home and hold onto them. I get to customs in Toronto - solo white college guy coming from Peru. Obviously they ask me what's in the big immigrant bag I have. I say it's a bunch of presents, they glance in and just see a bunch of small individually wrapped items. A little suspicious, so they ask me to grab one and unwrap it.

My hand goes it, I pull something out...and I can feel that it's the penis-bong. I'm holding it in my hand at customs, and I definitely fit the profile of drug-importer. Clearly I can't put it back and try a new item. So I hand over with this resigned look on my face, when they ask me to step into a private room for a longer discussion I can't say anything but "yeah, yeah, I figured."

Stupid penis gifts. They lead to problems.

*I acknowledge that this sounds pretty bad of me. It made sense in our context, and the gift was appreciated as a joke.
posted by Lemurrhea at 8:00 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

This is hilarious, looking at all these things trying so hard not to look like penises, and failing deliciously.
posted by Mister_A at 8:00 AM on February 5

Nice try, but they all have a delicious creamy filling, right?
posted by Kokopuff at 8:05 AM on February 5

Don't leave us hanging, Lemurrhea. Did they confiscate the dong-bong, or did they let you keep it?
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:15 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

Now, call me suspicious, but I think this is just basically a front for Big Hen.
I mean all the links go to Bachelorette.com.

Holly probably works for them.
posted by Mezentian at 12:58 AM on February 5

From the home page of the site:

PenisPans.com has a sponsor, Bachelorette.com Of all of the bachelorette party sites,
bachelorette.com seems to be the best place to buy a penis cake pan.
posted by QuakerMel at 8:37 AM on February 5

I once lived with some artistic folks that had a rather large carved weed pipe. A large, pink pipe. A large pink penis pipe. ... It was intentionally very awkward and suggestive.

I think "suggestive" is probably reserved for situations where you can still plausibly say "no, this isn't necessarily a giant pink dong that you're putting your mouth on," right? Because that pipe sounds less like it's suggesting something and more like it's just straight up telling it.
posted by invitapriore at 8:37 AM on February 5 [1 favorite]

Faint of Butt: Oh they let me keep it, no problem importing a bong as long as there aren't any drugs.

However, let's just say their attempts to ensure that I had no drugs makes the fact that you asked me rather eponysterical.
posted by Lemurrhea at 8:48 AM on February 5 [5 favorites]

Just goes to show :
You can take the cake out of the penis pan,
but you can't take the penis (pan) out of the cake
posted by OHenryPacey at 9:16 AM on February 5

I can see why you might have one penis pan. But two?
posted by gottabefunky at 9:25 AM on February 5

Metafilter: Nope, still penises.
posted by alby at 9:28 AM on February 5

loquacious: "hen parties"

Like Chicken Run, only with presents, penis pans and a stripping Mel Gibson rooster.
posted by zarq at 9:37 AM on February 5

None of those are suggestive at all.
posted by clvrmnky at 10:09 AM on February 5

You know, I'm really not one to find the phallic in everything, but I've never understood how anyone could buy this tequila with a straight face. That's expensive liquor too! Why would you put it in that ridiculous bottle?! Why would you pay that much for pink tequila?!
posted by maryr at 1:15 PM on February 5 [1 favorite]

The UFO cake is very Superbad by which I mean it is awesome. "Posessed by some kind of dick devil!"
posted by amanda at 7:08 PM on February 5 [1 favorite]

You know how some single-link posts are kind of 'meh'? Not this one. Thanks, I needed this.
posted by theora55 at 10:31 AM on February 6