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Where will you deposit your knuckle babies?
February 17, 2013 2:43 AM   Subscribe


 
Best. Of. The. Web.
posted by mrbill at 3:18 AM on February 17, 2013 [10 favorites]


"Whether you're in the military of civilian sector, many of you will be faced with this problem, and I want you to benefit from the cumulative experience of the bold young Americans of the Marine Corps infantry."

Oh, if only this were pronounced differently.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 3:33 AM on February 17, 2013


All of my favorite things; men in uniform, dick, and cum.
I am pretty sure some time back, masturbating was down right illegal in the military, printed in black and white in the handbook. I assume this is progression-ism. Maybe instead of fighting queers in the military, the Republicans should have been fighting jacking-it during the Clinton era.
posted by QueerAngel28 at 3:34 AM on February 17, 2013


If you choose the warmth of the beanie, you must choose whether to wear your beanie butter side up or butter side down.

Oh god this article is the best. I imagine this being presented in Power Point format.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 4:19 AM on February 17, 2013 [3 favorites]


All I'm going to be thinking about next time I see footage of soldiers in theatre...
posted by dry white toast at 4:47 AM on February 17, 2013 [1 favorite]


Absolutely beat off the web
posted by DoctorFedora at 4:51 AM on February 17, 2013 [4 favorites]


I'm so glad I'm a woman.
posted by waving at 4:54 AM on February 17, 2013 [16 favorites]


Scenario 4

"Field-tested solution: Everyone jerks; nobody talks.

...To avoid inconvenient urges to speak, you may listen to an iPod or other media device. If you do not have one of your own, ask nicely and someone may give you one of his ear buds. It is not recommended that you critique the song choice under any circumstance. Like in commuter slugging, all goodwill depends on your silent acceptance.


So even when wanking, your favourite band sucks.

Must try this on the bus sometime.
posted by marienbad at 4:55 AM on February 17, 2013


They are also in aisles so densely packed that any semen arcing down from your rack will be in plain sight to up to 30 of your comrades. This was the experience of the top-rack user in this scenario. Needless to say, he was immediately put to work cleaning the decks.

I just died of vicarious oh no.
posted by angrycat at 5:15 AM on February 17, 2013 [3 favorites]


Perhaps we should start a fund to supply our troops with an adequate supply of happy socks. There is clearly a need not being met here.
posted by localroger at 5:32 AM on February 17, 2013 [7 favorites]


"... you somehow approach orgasm while surrounded by fleas, goat droppings, and untold zillions of camel spiders,,,"

Worst Leisure Suit Larry game ever!
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 5:47 AM on February 17, 2013 [11 favorites]


In Gravity's Rainbow jerking off is used to reveal a secret wartime message:

[11], 71-72. A pornographic fantasy-picture of Scorpia Mossmoon (How did They know?) produces from Pirate the semen necessary to expose the "kryptosam" message sent over in the rocket. The message: bring out operative (later identified for us as Katje Borgesius [a Dutchified contemporary Argentine writer in drag?]).
posted by chavenet at 6:04 AM on February 17, 2013 [6 favorites]


Perhaps we should start a fund to supply our troops with an adequate supply of happy socks. There is clearly a need not being met here.

Everyone's all "the troops need entertainment and junk food!" but damn, maybe we could cut down on some of the war crimes with an adequate supply of pornography and licensed pornography paraphernalia.
posted by Pope Guilty at 6:07 AM on February 17, 2013


I am so tired of all this arms control talk.
posted by srboisvert at 6:16 AM on February 17, 2013 [1 favorite]


Is it regulation that all such missions be finished with a "Hooah!"?
posted by orme at 6:50 AM on February 17, 2013 [2 favorites]


Oh, heterosexual men are so silly.
posted by hippybear at 7:14 AM on February 17, 2013 [5 favorites]


Scenario #10

Put your money where your mouth is. Admit it, you think it's hot when someone swallows your seed. Quit expecting someone to do something you won't and plant some of that at home.

Field-tested solution:
Plug your nose, close your eyes and pretend like you're throwing back those raw egg whites for the high protein and omega 3s you need to stay alive out in the wilds. Think of it as your daily vitamin.

The Rub:
Did you really just put that in your mouth?
posted by Quack at 7:17 AM on February 17, 2013 [4 favorites]


If only they could learn to work together to solve this problem.
posted by The Whelk at 7:30 AM on February 17, 2013 [17 favorites]


The army doesn't have Kleenex?
posted by Segundus at 7:31 AM on February 17, 2013 [2 favorites]


Who knew I was spending ages 12-18 preparing for the military?
posted by MCMikeNamara at 7:54 AM on February 17, 2013


What, they don't have barrels in Afghanistan?
posted by Skwirl at 8:08 AM on February 17, 2013


I have it on good authority that there is no shortage of porn in-theater; lots of people have personal laptops and hard drives are swapped around regularly. What is lacking, however, is privacy in which to ... enjoy said porn.
posted by Kadin2048 at 8:10 AM on February 17, 2013


Head bursting with working as a ....unit ....puns....
posted by The Whelk at 8:11 AM on February 17, 2013


....gonna have to pry it from my cold, dead, fingers....
posted by mule98J at 8:51 AM on February 17, 2013


Eventually this problem will explode in thier faces and they'll have a sticky situation.
posted by The Whelk at 9:06 AM on February 17, 2013 [1 favorite]


Plug your nose, close your eyes and pretend like you're throwing back those raw egg whites for the high protein and omega 3s

So wrong. First of all, raw eggwhites are bad for you due to the avidin. Second, there are no o3s in egg whites.
posted by rr at 9:27 AM on February 17, 2013


Third, semen isn't egg white, although Cecil Adams says that they're "nutritionally similar", mostly because they're both about 90% water and most of the rest are carbs.
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:48 AM on February 17, 2013


A reminder that our armed forces are literally stocked with children so immature they do not have the sense to rinse their shower shoes after ejaculating upon them, in the shower.
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 10:27 AM on February 17, 2013 [11 favorites]


I've got a cousin in the Navy. This just went on his Facebook wall. Our family motto is essentially "Toujours Inappropriate."
posted by Polyhymnia at 10:39 AM on February 17, 2013 [3 favorites]


One should make a point of masturbating in every country one visits. It seems churlish not to.
posted by Decani at 10:49 AM on February 17, 2013 [6 favorites]


It was a ghost! Yeah! A big scary ghost! This is ectoplasm!
posted by yoHighness at 10:56 AM on February 17, 2013


I was stationed in the Middle East as part of the Army many years ago. We were at a small outpost with no running water. We had two outhouses, each of which had a half barrel where we deposited our feces which was later dragged out and burned with diesel fuel. These outhouses provided the only real privacy (though I expect there was some jacking in the guard towers, especially at night).

As one of the other soldiers there said to me as we were leaving:

"I don't even know how I am going to get hard anymore without the smell of shit".

I've often wondered whatever happened to him.
posted by carpographer at 11:10 AM on February 17, 2013 [6 favorites]


I propose the DOD works out a solution for this.
Mr. President, we must not allow a masturbation gap!
posted by hanoixan at 11:14 AM on February 17, 2013


“Betty Grable Appointed Head of U.S. Army Special Masturbation Fantasy Squadron.”
posted by The Whelk at 11:26 AM on February 17, 2013


What I love about this article is the blend of crude military lingo with genuine public health insights, as here, in response to the medical complaint "When I shit, I nut."
To rule out the most likely reason for semen in the toilet in the absence of an orgasm, the doctor must ask about sexual practices. This will remain an open question until five of your buddies develop the same symptoms and experience immediate, synchronous resolution when you run out of a weightlifting nutritional supplement that you have all been sharing. Your doctor alerts the supplement manufacturer of their potential side effect of unprovoked jizzbombs.
and in the case of the shared pocket pussy:
Your buddy has many buddies, and in a bind up to 12 buddies have been reported to knowingly share one communal pocket pussy. This relationship may suddenly develop an emotional component when one of you falls ill. Whether it was Dengue fever, malaria, or appendicitis that caused your buddy's feverish vomiting and hospitalization, someone will likely tell the group, "Don't worry, it was just real bad syphilis."
These behaviors are so taboo to talk about, but figuring out what the men are actually doing can, among other things, quickly explain the origins of an outbreak and aid in rapidly containing it. Whether it's a pathogen or non-contagious exposure (like supplements or jagged plastic bottles), epidemiology relies on this kind of understanding of real human behavior. Understanding the language of your population is not just useful for learning about a particular exposure or outcome, but also for effectively communicating solutions to prevent similar problems in the future. In short, this pseudonymous Dr. Watts is a wonderful reporter of health behaviors.

Now I must go share this with the applied public health students.
posted by palindromic at 11:35 AM on February 17, 2013 [9 favorites]


:) This article is a very good reason why its worth reading Metafilter.
posted by TheLittlePrince at 1:08 PM on February 17, 2013


War is hell.
posted by aubilenon at 1:22 PM on February 17, 2013


Huh! No mention of the 'Three Finger Perineum Press'.
posted by unliteral at 4:32 PM on February 17, 2013


This is brilliant, as well as answering some of the logistical problems I've pondered over the years.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:09 PM on February 17, 2013


Scenario #6 is awesome.
posted by odinsdream at 6:52 PM on February 17, 2013


I think instead of sending girl scout cookies to soldiers, people need to be sending some sort of supplies to help with this. Maybe not have girl scouts do the fundraising for that though.
posted by artychoke at 7:03 PM on February 17, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'm so glad I'm a woman.

Probably only because there's fewer women in the military, and the corresponding stories haven't surfaced yet.
posted by Dr Dracator at 9:50 PM on February 17, 2013 [1 favorite]


So, when you write a solider in theater, you should thoughtfully include a folded paper towel. Simple, elegant and effective.

How can a dietary supplement cause the problem described? Anyone with any actual knowledge about that oddness?
posted by Goofyy at 5:20 AM on February 18, 2013


Heh. One of the Danish camps in Afghanistan was covered in the Danish news some time ago. They had a tent explicitly and officially provided to the soldiers for "private time". There may well have AV equipment as well. That seems like the simpler solution.
posted by bouvin at 7:34 AM on February 18, 2013


bouvin: A Scandinavian nation is willing to deal honestly with the beast of human sexuality, even in its own military, while American soldiers have to jerk their gherkins in the latrine or spooge in their beanies? I am shocked by America's handling of another perfectly healthy aspect of sexuality. Shocked I tell you!
posted by spitefulcrow at 10:48 AM on February 18, 2013 [2 favorites]


Probably only because there's fewer women in the military, and the corresponding stories haven't surfaced yet.

Most of these stories deal with complications arising out of the need to dispose of semen. By and large, I expect that female members of the military who are masturbating rarely need to deal with that problem.
posted by craven_morhead at 2:07 PM on February 18, 2013


Most of these stories deal with complications arising out of the need to dispose of semen. By and large, I expect that female members of the military who are masturbating rarely need to deal with that problem.

I have that dvd
posted by Sebmojo at 3:40 PM on February 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


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