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New Parasites for 2013/ The Cat That Screamed Like A Man/ Coffin Bro
March 7, 2013 5:13 PM   Subscribe

Liar Town Usa: An alternate USA where our products, signage, headlines, and fads are all slightly more surreal, sinister, and threatening.
posted by The Whelk (93 comments total) 125 users marked this as a favorite

 
If you scroll down the store names are positively achewoody.
posted by The Whelk at 5:17 PM on March 7, 2013 [7 favorites]


Can't talk now, watching Horsecat.
posted by cortex at 5:30 PM on March 7, 2013 [7 favorites]


This is so fucking good, thanks Whelk.
posted by clockzero at 5:34 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


I dunno. It's not that surreal, if you think about it. It's the difference between a lobster phone and a sleepy phalanx.
posted by Bathtub Bobsled at 5:36 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


I don't know what spanish turts or pork dillingers are, but now I kind of want some.
posted by usonian at 5:36 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


Oh, shoot! I've been paying $1.99 /lb. for my apple himmlers...
posted by flechsig at 5:36 PM on March 7, 2013


Why can't my town ever get a Pet Shart store?
posted by KokuRyu at 5:37 PM on March 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


"Morrissey kills swan No. 2"
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:38 PM on March 7, 2013


it's like True American Dog but without the weird theming. okay, maybe it's not. i just wanted everyone to be prepared for a dude alert.
posted by gorestainedrunes at 5:39 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


If I was at a bus station, waiting on a very late bus, I would read this.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 5:39 PM on March 7, 2013


This is good. It's like a secret Tim & Eric thing -- there's a very Tom Goes To The Mayor vibe about it.

Also, I like how the cut-off headline in all of the Yahoo screenshots is "Year's Top Pet Names". I wonder if that was the actual headline in the original screenshot?
posted by mhum at 5:39 PM on March 7, 2013


So I googled one of the book titles (don't ask) somehow ended up on Pinterest and am now stuck in a waking nightmare. Great.
posted by Lorin at 5:41 PM on March 7, 2013 [3 favorites]


Of course, you can tell this is put together by British people. No American store would ever be called "The Jacket Bastard".

It would be "The Jacket Asshole".



Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Yogurt Decision.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:41 PM on March 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


It's no scarfolk.
posted by zoo at 5:46 PM on March 7, 2013 [10 favorites]


Best use of the "distrubing" tag I have ever seen.
posted by TedW at 5:48 PM on March 7, 2013


All of those "Trending Now" headlines would make good band names. I particularly like "Brolin Tortilla Allergy".
posted by brundlefly at 5:49 PM on March 7, 2013


Now I'm going to be driving around in circles in Burank tonight looking for Dark Burden.
posted by eyeballkid at 5:52 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


That was all around really great. The movie/TV show description ones were a good mix of parody and absurdity.
posted by burnmp3s at 5:59 PM on March 7, 2013


Why does this Syusan need three days to dry her "treats" anyway? Somehow I sense she owns many cats.
posted by bonehead at 6:00 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm a bit disturbed by the duel Affleck and grapes/raisins scenarios. Is he getting wrinkled? By gawd.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:01 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


"Mr. Abbadon discusses twilight realms where the light of science cannot reach."
posted by MegoSteve at 6:02 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


The unpleasant cat photos on Yahoo are worth the click in themselves.
posted by texorama at 6:03 PM on March 7, 2013


Is Omerta actually a name or is Omerta Hickey playing on Omertà?

no, of course this isn't an opportunity to fuck with Rustic
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 6:09 PM on March 7, 2013


Oh, my god. I have been laughing out loud so hard my face hurts. Wait til you get down to the fake movies. SO FUNNY. "The Warriors", "Don't Press Play", "Omega Dawn"...
posted by Mars Saxman at 6:12 PM on March 7, 2013


I've been getting the same vibe recently from the Onion's new feature parodying HuffPo/TMZ/Buzzfeed-style photo slideshows. Case in point: Top 10 Celebrity Pip Blips (extremely NSFW at the very end).
posted by Rhaomi at 6:15 PM on March 7, 2013 [4 favorites]


This is wonderful and I'm happy someone made it
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 6:15 PM on March 7, 2013 [5 favorites]


wow I bet Diablo Withers sure got picked on. for his name.
posted by OHenryPacey at 6:16 PM on March 7, 2013


This the best thing ever and I wish Business Fantasy was a real genre.
posted by prize bull octorok at 6:22 PM on March 7, 2013 [18 favorites]


I need an Apple Cabin Foods near me! I like mushrooms, but nature's mistakes is the absolute correct description of them.
posted by ignignokt at 6:24 PM on March 7, 2013 [3 favorites]


OH OH OH, I think I will use the premise of Letters from Grigori as my next Nanowrimo. After I drop off the kids at Daycare City.
posted by mochapickle at 6:28 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


BLOODGOLF 2: GOLF FOR THE GOLF GOD
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 6:32 PM on March 7, 2013 [5 favorites]


It's worth noting that certain strains of weed cause just regular signage to take on exactly this sort of aura.
posted by invitapriore at 6:41 PM on March 7, 2013 [5 favorites]


I'm pretty sure we probably have a Christian Family BBQ supply store here in Colorado Springs.
posted by bibliowench at 6:50 PM on March 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


These are really funny and well done.
posted by zardoz at 6:52 PM on March 7, 2013


Conversations in my house:

Manperson: "Bloodbath ruined"? "Erotic waterpark closed"? WTF?
Me: I dunno, the Whelk posted it. Is that an explanation?
Manperson: Yeah, actually.
posted by NoraReed at 6:56 PM on March 7, 2013 [11 favorites]


This post also reminds me, and I'm probably going to regret sharing this, but I convinced a buddy of mine one night that somewhere deep in the awful back alleys of YouTube there exists a series of videos consisting of various animals trying to eat a Kraft Single that's been stuffed into a Fleshlight, like with those hollow dog bones you can buy at Pet Shart, and then the final and most inscrutable video in the sequence just has a goldfish flopping around next to the Fleshlight on the floor. I think we fell asleep before I ever got around to mentioning that I was joking, so I like to think that my fib still subtly influences his understanding of the universe to this day.
posted by invitapriore at 6:59 PM on March 7, 2013 [30 favorites]


I'm pretty sure we probably have a Christian Family BBQ supply store here in Colorado Springs.

Yeah, I read that and thought, "I could make that work in Alabama, no problem."
posted by BitterOldPunk at 6:59 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


Those book covers aren't far off what Malcolm Gladwell writes anyway.
posted by codacorolla at 7:00 PM on March 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'm pretty sure we probably have a Christian Family BBQ supply store here in Colorado Springs.

We do. One side is for brisket, the other is for the souls of the damned. (Hello, neighbor!)
posted by mochapickle at 7:01 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


invitapriore: aieee

"Do I favorite this or not?"
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:03 PM on March 7, 2013


This is the best thing out of all the things.
posted by kprincehouse at 7:11 PM on March 7, 2013


I'm pretty sure we probably have a Christian Family BBQ supply store here in Colorado Springs.

Can you modify their products to barbeque families of other religions or is there a separate store for that?
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 7:14 PM on March 7, 2013 [6 favorites]


The ads are very Framley Examiner. I love this. Thanks!
posted by Mayor Curley at 7:14 PM on March 7, 2013


This is kind of what I figure TV is like these days, anyway.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:16 PM on March 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


I really liked all of this, but some of the TV/Movie stuff was particularly great. Is the author mimicking a real interface of some sort? I obviously don't get out much...
posted by maxwelton at 7:19 PM on March 7, 2013


The movies, at least, mimic Netflix.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:21 PM on March 7, 2013


whah da fug?
posted by Saxon Kane at 7:31 PM on March 7, 2013


Totally worth it for the Malcolm Gladwell joke.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 7:37 PM on March 7, 2013 [3 favorites]


Two words-Business Fantasy.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:40 PM on March 7, 2013 [3 favorites]


What're you all going on about? These are all perfectly normal, mundane things. I used to live right down the street from an Apple Cabin. Oat Goblins are fucking delicious.

And I realize not everyone lives in a colder climate but surely you've worn an ankle scarf at least once in your life.

Whatever. I guess most of you just want to be elitist, classist borgnine scum about everything. I'll just shut up and finish watching Windfucker.
posted by loquacious at 7:51 PM on March 7, 2013 [10 favorites]


Buy, wash, hanger, MMMh.
posted by Mblue at 8:15 PM on March 7, 2013


Took me a minute to realize what was wrong with this
posted by anazgnos at 8:20 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


I do love a good ham sando.
posted by infinitewindow at 8:23 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


See, invitapriore, what you need to do is make up a fake page for what you just described there, except for pics put in fake broken-pic icons, and just image people reloading the page... and reloading... and reloading...
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:27 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


It probably doesn't help that I rolled one up a bit before discovering this link, but the further I get into this the more intense and disturbing it becomes. Nice find, Whelk.
posted by brennen at 8:34 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


For the record I am the manager of Shoe Challenge.
posted by Divest_Abstraction at 9:05 PM on March 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


GOAT DUST. NOT 4 TEENS. $4LB.
posted by ovvl at 9:25 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


In Liarworld there's a toggleblug called Trueworld, and it is fucking ridicularg.
posted by codacorolla at 9:41 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


I NEED MORE OF IT MORE MORE MORE



TURTS
posted by louche mustachio at 9:54 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


I would watch at least one episode of Ghost Puncher.
posted by blue_beetle at 10:03 PM on March 7, 2013 [6 favorites]


For the record I am the manager of Shoe Challenge.

Oh, good. I have a complaint. I just bought a pair of the new Air Corgis at your store and they're obviously counterfeit. They stopped barking after only a mile and they appear to be made out of wharf rat, and they're now leaking some kind of pimento spread when you and I both know they should be cushioned with genuine eel jellies.

Since I found you in time I'll give you a chance to reticulate the problem before I file for suits in the nearest BusinessdomeTM - which it's only fair to warn you that I'm rated a +5 for duel wielding both or either SOQs and RFPs, and the last mangy ripoff shopkeep I filed for suits against ended up flayed and buttered like a weta kebab in the first fifteen femtoseconds of ritual.
posted by loquacious at 10:03 PM on March 7, 2013 [4 favorites]


Robert: The Cat Who Learned To Forgive Himself and Other Stories
posted by JHarris at 10:16 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


These keep getting better!

You're watching
The Malediction Prophecy
2011     R     2h 09min
It's been 3,000 years since the Malediction, the spirit-plague created by The Order, a fabled army of immortals seeking to unravel the genome of were-shaman Erasmus Nugent, who seeks to rebuild La Cienega, a bio-weapon capable of stopping Honcho, the deathless vampire king who seeks to conquer the Fontanelle, the mythical fortress of demon hybrid Gary Shadowburn, who seeks to unleash angel-killer Lanny Wendigo Jr., who seeks to release The Bloodfroth, a terrifying evil that seeks to return the world to darkness.
posted by JHarris at 10:36 PM on March 7, 2013 [4 favorites]


TIGER BEEFS
posted by user92371 at 10:48 PM on March 7, 2013


SPOGOOTER
posted by contraption at 11:10 PM on March 7, 2013


The tone of the grocery store circulars, in particular, reminds me of Daniel Manitou on Twitter. Is there a name for this sort of peppy yet subtly disturbing, surreal style of humor? (And where can I find more?)
posted by caaaaaam at 11:41 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


I am so gonna link to the faux Malcolm Gladwell book on LinkedIn. It will be fine revenge for the idiotic corporate groupthink I encounter there whenever I log in.
posted by KokuRyu at 11:53 PM on March 7, 2013 [3 favorites]


The Apple Cabin Foods ads are somewhat reminiscent of Coldland and The Butterfield Diet.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 12:27 AM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]


i want to watch Dazzle Warriors

and also The Dog Poisoner
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 1:56 AM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]


There's a great Chris Morris/Day Today feel about some of those headlines and trending stories. At least, I imagine them all being read out portentously in a Ted Maul voice.

Considerably less subtle, but still occasionally hilarious reimaginings of the contemporary news landscape in a similar vein: The Daily Torygraph. (By no means safe for work; breakfast, but great if you hate the Telegraph.)
posted by Sonny Jim at 2:04 AM on March 8, 2013 [3 favorites]


I don't know what spanish turts or pork dillingers are, but now I kind of want some.

It's horse.
posted by laconic skeuomorph at 3:39 AM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]


"er·god·ic - Relating to or denoting systems or processes with the property that, given sufficient time, they include or impinge on all points in a given space and can be represented statistically by a reasonably large selection of points"

THIS SITES MAKE MY BRAIN HURTS.
posted by artof.mulata at 3:46 AM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]


My wife actually has a pair of "Swedish Hasbeen's." No, seriously.
posted by From Bklyn at 3:52 AM on March 8, 2013


ALL HAIL THE RACCOON POPE

HAIL HIM IMMEDIATELY
posted by the painkiller at 3:53 AM on March 8, 2013 [2 favorites]


Previously, in the Hielan's (the original is long gone, link is to archive.org).

It was apparently quite popular with tourists...
posted by titus-g at 3:54 AM on March 8, 2013


A little bit Royston Vasey and a little bit TVGoHome - part of the Zeppotron web zone.

For some reason I am finding 'Give your tit to baldy:What to do with it now it's out' funnier than I ought.
posted by asok at 4:12 AM on March 8, 2013 [2 favorites]


Horsecat: A crime-fighting hybrid capable of astonishing acts of justice.

Wicked. As a meta exercise, it would be brilliant if each one of the film selections had a short-story to go with it, just a vignette to give it context. What is an astonishing act of justice, after all? When performed by a horsecat?

And what of the epic battle royale between Wind Jesus, Air Jesus, Water Jesus, and Fire Jesus in olde Nazareth? Especially the epic battle between the four... Jesusi (jez • uh • i).
posted by nickrussell at 5:20 AM on March 8, 2013 [2 favorites]


This is relevant to my interests.
posted by kcds at 5:35 AM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]


Barkley: The Sumerian Blood God who Takes the Form of a Dog with Human Eyes.
posted by Navelgazer at 6:11 AM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]


I used to have a bunch of the Dazzleforce toys. They were real collectible on AEbay after that whole seizure pandemic.
posted by The otter lady at 9:08 AM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm so glad that I'm not the only person reading this whole blog in Chris Morris's The Day Today voice.
posted by Rory Marinich at 9:57 AM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]


Thanks to this, I now think of the jellybeans I purchased to amuse myself at the bus stop as Flavor Interests.
posted by louche mustachio at 10:02 AM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]


Also, the guy who made this is so awesome that Banksy plagiarized him. Which is dope.
posted by Rory Marinich at 10:45 AM on March 8, 2013 [2 favorites]


AniMules: The Movie.

uhm. I have this really weird memory of seeing this on Nextflix in the really, real, world.

Hmmm.

Creepy.
posted by Faintdreams at 11:08 AM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]


I shared Horsecat with a Facebook friend who is obsessed with cats and horses, and he wants to see it quite badly. I didn't have the heart to let him down completely, so I replied that it's available on Netflicks only.
posted by christopherious at 12:41 PM on March 8, 2013 [3 favorites]


Ernest Borgnine narrates
posted by obscurator at 2:47 PM on March 8, 2013


I love the clipped stories and cat photos next to the "Trending Headlines" ones...

Also, "Cabin Pressure" is an actual show, except it was named Lost....
posted by schmod at 5:42 PM on March 8, 2013


Printing these coupon sheets out and leaving them stuffed in newspapers in waiting rooms.
posted by wires at 5:48 PM on March 8, 2013 [6 favorites]


Okay so my little dog has had explosive diarrhea this past week. It's been like she was a half-empty ketchup bottle being squeezed out on a plate. Plus we live on a busy city street so I have been keenly aware of the audience for this. This picture therefore sent me directly into hysterics, recurring randomly all day as it popped back into my mind. Bear in mind that I am twelve.

The Apple Cabin Foods flyers are really best, though. SILENT PARTY BEEFS
posted by Countess Elena at 6:12 PM on March 8, 2013 [3 favorites]


Lovers of the counter-clockwise direction will find plenty to satisfy and delight.
posted by straight at 6:18 PM on March 8, 2013


ohhhh these are perfect thank you!
posted by rebent at 9:07 PM on March 8, 2013


Excellent.
posted by threeants at 11:20 PM on March 9, 2013


#TrendingNow is just amazing, that is some Iannucci/Morris shit right there.
posted by turgid dahlia 2 at 7:23 PM on March 14, 2013


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