Was the destruction of the Death Star an inside job?
March 18, 2013 11:23 AM   Subscribe

Watch Luke's Change and join the realm of real truthers. (SLYT)
posted by PeterMcDermott (69 comments total) 29 users marked this as a favorite

 
LUKE: It looks like the sandpeople did it, all right. Look, there's gaffii sticks, bantha tracks, it's just, I never heard of them hitting anything this big before!

BEN: They didn't, but we are meant to think they did. Only Imperial stormtroopers are this precise.
posted by mediated self at 11:32 AM on March 18, 2013 [7 favorites]


Unless I see a birth certificate I refuse to believe that that is the real Anakin Skywalker. Midi-chlorians my ass.
posted by Fizz at 11:39 AM on March 18, 2013 [2 favorites]


And somewhere Kevin Smith is cursing at his keyboard, forced to rewrite a scene in Clerks 3.
posted by inturnaround at 11:39 AM on March 18, 2013 [9 favorites]


Only Imperial stormtroopers are this precise.

"Has anyone in this family ever even seen a Stormtrooper?"
posted by bondcliff at 11:39 AM on March 18, 2013 [13 favorites]


I heard there was a coded message circulated shortly before the destruction of the death star and all the Bothans stayed home that day. Wake up sheeple!

or would that be nerf-ple?
posted by cmfletcher at 11:39 AM on March 18, 2013


Here's the truth, people: IT WAS A MILITARY PURGE!

Grand Moff Tarkin had become to powerful a Grand Moff and was threatening the Emperor! He had gained influence all throughout the Imperial military, with a significant portion of the officer corps loyal to him, not the Emperor. He was planning a coup, to seize control of the Death Star and attacking the Emperor at his home planet with it (a Death Star blowing up an entire planet being the only plausible way to defeat a sith lord as powerful as Sidious).

So the Emperor sent out his man, Vader, to get rid of him. Vader appeared to be there to help Tarkin (which is why he is seen as subservient to Tarkin all throughout A New Hope), but he was really engaged in subterfuge. Vader knowingly weakened the vent structure and leaked this information to his daughter so the rebels could destroy the facility, and Grand Moff Tarkin and his loyal officers with it! This would seriously cripple the Imperial military (much like Stalin's purge), but would allow Sidious and Vader to rebuild it from the ground up.

Many have questioned how Luke could have made the shot: the answer is obvious! The reason Vader went after him in his Tie Advance was so that he would be able to be in close proximity to his son and, using the force, helping Luke guide his torpedoes. It is not Obi-Wan's voice Luke hears, it is Vaders!

WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!
posted by gkhan at 11:40 AM on March 18, 2013 [29 favorites]


I felt a great deal of sympathy for the Empire at first, being victims of terrorism, but after they invaded Hoth on flimsy grounds and occupied Endor they frittered that sympathy away.
posted by Jehan at 11:42 AM on March 18, 2013 [29 favorites]


Only Imperial stormtroopers are this precise.

Unless they happen to be shooting at the heroes -- then their aim just goes to hell.
posted by flarbuse at 11:43 AM on March 18, 2013 [1 favorite]


I love this, except for the part where the narrator keeps saying "AlderBRaan". It's AlderAAN! ALDERAAN. NO B!
posted by Kpele at 11:47 AM on March 18, 2013 [4 favorites]




I had never put it together that r2d2 was Anakin's droid. You'd think he'd recognize his own droid when Princess Leah was captured...
posted by Freen at 11:47 AM on March 18, 2013


I had never put it together that r2d2 was Anakin's droid. You'd think he'd recognize his own droid when Princess Leah was captured...

You'd think all sorts of things but George Lucas doesn't want that.

Move along.
posted by Fizz at 11:51 AM on March 18, 2013 [24 favorites]


I love this, except for the part where the narrator keeps saying "AlderBRaan". It's AlderAAN! ALDERAAN. NO B!

I assumed that was a reference to something? Not sure though.
posted by kmz at 11:51 AM on March 18, 2013


Did the Empire Want to Blow Up the Death Star? A Conspiracy Theory Debunked. [slate.com]

Slate and The Atlantic are in a content farm pod race.
posted by srboisvert at 11:55 AM on March 18, 2013 [3 favorites]


I had never put it together that r2d2 was Anakin's droid. You'd think he'd recognize his own droid when Princess Leah was captured...

Shit, he apparently built Threepio. So when Threepio says 'Thank the maker'....
posted by shakespeherian at 11:56 AM on March 18, 2013 [6 favorites]


More clues: Who's watching Star Wars in the SOV on 9/11? (warning, 9/11 WTC footage).
posted by mediated self at 11:58 AM on March 18, 2013


The truth is far more grim, people.

At the simplest level, they would have you believe this is between the Rebels and the Empire.

Next up, the family connection between the Skywalkers becomes obvious.

But the truth is this - millions of people died in this Rebellion because of three people - Luke, Darth and the Emperor. All members of a strange religion, obsessed with control and power. A conflict that consumed untold lives and credits to leave only one man standing in charge of their strange faith.
posted by never used baby shoes at 11:58 AM on March 18, 2013 [3 favorites]


I assumed that was a reference to something? Not sure though.

I thought of this. But that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
posted by IvoShandor at 11:58 AM on March 18, 2013 [1 favorite]


I... find myself agreeing with a YouTube commenter. Wow. But it's true, the entire thing loses credibility because the explosions are obviously retouched footage. The praxis rings are a dead giveaway.
posted by caution live frogs at 11:58 AM on March 18, 2013 [5 favorites]


Use the Force, Sheeple!
posted by chavenet at 12:05 PM on March 18, 2013 [1 favorite]


I love this, except for the part where the narrator keeps saying "AlderBRaan". It's AlderAAN! ALDERAAN. NO B!

There's a line in the Red Hot Chili Peppers' song Californication that misrpronounces Alderaan as Alderon. I remember seeing an interview with Anthony Keidis where the host points out the mistake. Keidis just shoots him a "what the fuck am I supposed to do about it now?" look.
posted by dry white toast at 12:07 PM on March 18, 2013 [1 favorite]


i know a lot of fingers point at vader or palpatine as the mastermind behind the death star's destruction. However, I'd like everyone to remember the enormous insurance payout that went to the subcontractors. Makes you wonder, maybe they were hiding something?
posted by rebent at 12:09 PM on March 18, 2013


Only Imperial stormtroopers are this precise.

Have you actually seen those jokers shoot? Idiots can't even hit a fucking Wookie running down a fucking prison hallway from 20 feet away. Precise my ass.
posted by Thorzdad at 12:09 PM on March 18, 2013 [4 favorites]


It was the Jawas.
posted by KokuRyu at 12:20 PM on March 18, 2013 [1 favorite]


This is really nicely done.
posted by yoink at 12:21 PM on March 18, 2013


These are not the conspiracies you are looking for.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:22 PM on March 18, 2013 [2 favorites]


Luke's Change misses the obvious: there's no way those missiles could have hit the exhaust shaft and even if so, they couldn't have destroyed the Death Star. Seriously. It's the size of a moon. And we're talking two small missiles. That mystery third ship delivered thermonuclear weapons that were detonated at the same time as the phony missile run. Detonated by the Empire itself.

Darth Vader knew of the plan, that much is obvious. The real question is why did he need to convince the universe that a small group of terrorists were actually to blame? Follow the money people: the Jedi control the Galactic Reserve and are the ones pulling the strings here in order to invade Endor for its strategic oil reserves. Vote JarJar Paul.
posted by allen.spaulding at 12:23 PM on March 18, 2013


Shit, he apparently built Threepio. So when Threepio says 'Thank the maker'....

Which led to one of the best images from the Expanded Universe.
posted by zombieflanders at 12:25 PM on March 18, 2013 [21 favorites]


Was all the music from the Matrix or just almost all of it?
posted by immlass at 12:28 PM on March 18, 2013


There's one thing that's never added up for me. How come Vader, with all his Force sensitivity and midichlorians, completely missed Han and Chewie sneaking up on him in the Falcon? Just look at his reaction shot--he's genuinely upset and it's clear that he had absolutely no idea that a couple of Force-insensitive mundanes were about to get the drop on him. But how could this happen? Vader's the chosen one. He can see things before they happen. There's no way he should be fooled by a couple of scruffy looking nerf herders. Unless.....THE FORCE IS A LIE!

This is actually one of my favorite 'screw you Jedi elitist' moments in the entire series. Clearly, hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 12:39 PM on March 18, 2013 [3 favorites]


Just look at his reaction shot

"Watt?"
posted by The Tensor at 12:40 PM on March 18, 2013 [1 favorite]


RonButNotStupid: "
Clearly, hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster.
"

What? Blasters are clumsy and random! Obi Wan said so hisself.
posted by Mister_A at 12:42 PM on March 18, 2013


Clearly, hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster.

"Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!"
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:57 PM on March 18, 2013 [4 favorites]


But the truth is this - millions of people died in this Rebellion because of three people - Luke, Darth and the Emperor.

And if it wasn't for Obi-Wan's inept meddling, we wouldn't have Luke or Darth. I've long suspected Obi-Wan of being a Sith sympathizer.
posted by malocchio at 12:57 PM on March 18, 2013


But the truth is this - millions of people died in this Rebellion because of three people - Luke, Darth and the Emperor.

And if it wasn't for Obi-Wan's inept meddling, we wouldn't have Luke or Darth. I've long suspected Obi-Wan of being a Sith sympathizer.


What always had me sympathizing with the Dark Side more than the Jedi. You frequently find the Jedi withholding information/lying.

The Dark Side (once you're invited into the inner circle) are pretty upfront about what they want to do: rule the galaxy.
posted by Fizz at 1:13 PM on March 18, 2013


The destruction of the DEATH STAR was clearly engineered by the HUTT financiers who really CONTROL the Empire! The REBELLION is a FRONT for their interests! By destroying the DEATH STAR just as it had been completed, they could ENSURE that the Empire remains in debt to the HUTT banks! Only by returning to real money backed by CORUSCANTHIUM instead of FIAT CREDITS can we prevent the subversion of our institutions by the HUTTS and their Trade Federation PUPPETS! I am not a racist! DARTH VADER is working for the HUTTS!

GOOGLE FIRMUS PIETT
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:28 PM on March 18, 2013 [5 favorites]


The Dark Side (once you're invited into the inner circle) are pretty upfront about what they want to do: rule the galaxy.

And I think the only problem once they get there is PR; seriously, the Emperor runs around in a dark cowl cackling, while Vader stomps around and Force Chokes everyone.

I think that all they had to do once they were in charge was implement some worker safety regs and better project management and they would've been set for life.
posted by never used baby shoes at 1:30 PM on March 18, 2013 [1 favorite]


Was all the music from the Matrix or just almost all of it?

From 0:00 to 1:50, and again from 4:30 to 5:30, it's Clubbed to Death by Rob Dougan, used in The Matrix (and misidentified by YouTube as "O Claire" by MSD).

From 1:50 to 2:50 it's Mission: Impossible 2.

I feel like I should recognize the piano music from 3:40 to 4:30 (and then again 5:40 to 6:05), but I can't place it. The rest I don't recognize.
posted by stebulus at 1:31 PM on March 18, 2013 [1 favorite]


Aldebaran is a real star, so I imagine the guy got confused.
posted by muckster at 1:43 PM on March 18, 2013


stebulus - I feel like I should recognize the piano music from 3:40 to 4:30 (and then again 5:40 to 6:05), but I can't place it.

The mystery piano music is from the end of the track you linked, the "Kurayamino Variation" of Clubbed to Death. The strings at the beginning of that track are sampled from the start of the Enigma Variations; the piano at the end of the track is improvised around a theme from the same piece, which might be why it sounds familiar.
posted by metaBugs at 1:50 PM on March 18, 2013 [2 favorites]


Trailer for Star Wars 7
posted by chavenet at 2:06 PM on March 18, 2013 [5 favorites]


Luke was just a patsy, I tells ya.
posted by arcticseal at 2:16 PM on March 18, 2013


Preposterous! I bet you all believe in Bat Boy too.
posted by MsVader at 2:40 PM on March 18, 2013


The rest I don't recognize.

I'm pretty sure the one at the end was Rage Against the Machine's Wake Up, which is also in the Matrix, and I can't remember what the piano was, but it may also have been.
posted by immlass at 2:43 PM on March 18, 2013


Preposterous! I bet you all believe in Bat Boy too.

Dude, he was right there in the Cantina! How can we be sure he's not part of some nefarious plot being hidden from us by the LAMEstream Holocron?
posted by zombieflanders at 2:52 PM on March 18, 2013 [1 favorite]


It was totally RATM at the end, which was an awesome touch.
posted by availablelight at 2:53 PM on March 18, 2013


Honestly, if the collective brainpower used to overthink this stuff was put to constructive use we could cure cancer, balance the budget, wipe out poverty, and colonize Mars.
posted by George Lucas at 2:54 PM on March 18, 2013 [2 favorites]


Stormtroopers' 9/11
posted by AElfwine Evenstar at 3:02 PM on March 18, 2013 [4 favorites]


Not yet mentioned: the original Wedge Antilles (Colin Higgens) who famously declared the torpedo shot to be "impossible" was fired from the production due in part to "attitude problems" and replaced by Denis Lawson, the uncle of, you guessed it, Obi Wan McGregor himself.
posted by ShutterBun at 3:09 PM on March 18, 2013 [1 favorite]


And if you need any more convincing, consider that TIE fighters have no hyperdrive, except of course for the prototype craft that Vader happened to be flying that day. Pretty convenient, if you expect your (suspiciously unescorted) mothership to be blown up in an enemy-controlled system.
posted by ckape at 3:12 PM on March 18, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yoda and Obi Wan stole Anakin's kids and kept them from him. They contrived to have them inserted into positions of power and fomented an attempted coup, followed by a civil war. If not for the machinations of these so-called Jedi Masters and their belief in eugenic superiority hundreds of millions of intelligent life forms would be alive today.

Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
posted by Joe in Australia at 3:13 PM on March 18, 2013


More Matrix music: Spybreak! by The Propellerheads.
posted by ShutterBun at 3:17 PM on March 18, 2013


IT WAS ALL FAKED ON A HOLLYWOOD SOUNDSTAGE!

WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!!!
posted by Sys Rq at 3:28 PM on March 18, 2013 [5 favorites]


Rumor has it that footage exists that was shot a few months after the destruction of the Death Star which shows further anti-government activity by the terrorists, under the guise of a religious ceremony called "Life Day," but the footage has remained locked away, as it was deemed "embarrassing" to the Skywalker family.
posted by ShutterBun at 3:39 PM on March 18, 2013 [1 favorite]


VADER LIED

PEOPLE DIED
posted by Sebmojo at 3:48 PM on March 18, 2013 [1 favorite]


replaced by Denis Lawson, the uncle of, you guessed it, Obi Wan McGregor himself.

My God. That must mean ... it's turtles all the way down.
posted by dhartung at 3:49 PM on March 18, 2013


Whew, someone finally is making fun of Loose Change! Whew, after ten years, I can finally get back to funny stuff on the internet and trust that all is well! Wait, I ran across this disturbing video. Darn. Just when I thought it was cool to make fun of those crazy conspiracy people. Damn you facts, physics, engineers and architects!

Mr. Lucas, so in which of your movies did you cure cancer, balance the budget or wipe out poverty and colonize Mars? Wait, oh, you've wasted your incredible brain power feeding people with puppets that advise us to trust the force. Which of your movies is more challenging than the one in the link above?

Why don't you apply your talents to delving into and discovering and sharing some real hard truth instead of cheap black vs. white good/evil opera? A movie that helped show people the way to truth in the face of real power would be a far more compelling legacy than a Yoda statue and a Museum of entertainment (and would probably cost less?). You would make for one heck of a rebel leader! I think a Citizenville might arise from the ashes peacefully. The best bards are the one's that show us who we are writ large. We need one with the power and courage to speak truth to power.
posted by astrobiophysican at 3:49 PM on March 18, 2013


I had never put it together that r2d2 was Anakin's droid. You'd think he'd recognize his own droid when Princess Leah was captured

R2 wasn't Anakin's droid, he was Padme's (or rather, belonged to the Naboo military). Though I suppose if it's a community property galaxy, R2 was 50% his once they got married.

But there would have been no "moment of recognition," as Vader never encounters either of the droids face to face in the original trilogy, with the excrption of a brief look at the semi-repaired C3PO in Empire, though Threepio was a common design, so there'd be no reason for Vader to assume it was the same droid he'd built as a kid.
posted by ShutterBun at 3:51 PM on March 18, 2013 [1 favorite]


You only think that it's a kooky conspiracy theory because you can't handle the truth and are too afraid to pull back the curtain to see "The Wizard" George Lucas gleefully jerking on your puppet strings.
posted by double block and bleed at 4:22 PM on March 18, 2013


Why are Stormtroopers such poor shots?

"From the perspective of a Stormtrooper, Star Wars takes place in a hellish dystopia...The storm troopers are a slave race." [if you believe the prequels]

"Even if we suppose that they’re just too damn scared of Vader to consider fragging him, we should at the very least expect them to be performing countless little acts of insubordination throughout the movies. Turning a blind eye at checkpoints when they’re supposed to be looking for droids, half-assing it on guard duty (even of critical areas like the prison and the reactor core), and intentionally misfiring their weapons during combat… huh."
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 5:11 PM on March 18, 2013 [3 favorites]


Which of your movies is more challenging than the one in the link above?

THX-1138
posted by hippybear at 7:13 PM on March 18, 2013


First.

Second, this video discredits itself constantly. "Imperial-class destroyer"? Clearly he knows nothing about military technology. He's clearly unaware of the level of technology involved in the brand-new X-Wing fighters, which were developed more recently than the Death Star and whose specifications were far above what the Death Star's defenses were designed to handle. It's a credit to the bravery and skill of the Imperial military that they managed to hold off the terrorist forces as well as they did! "Aldebaran"? He doesn't even know the names of the planets involved in the Death Star's (incredibly short) operational history!

This video is garbage and I find it highly offensive. If you're going to criticize an official investigation by engineers from Kuat, Sienar, the Imperial Fleet, and a host of third parties, you need to get your facts straight. Disgusting.
posted by cthuljew at 7:23 PM on March 18, 2013 [4 favorites]


Unless they happen to be shooting at the heroes -- then their aim just goes to hell.

Yeah, the sad thing is at that point in the movie, the audience had only seen stormtroopers gun down no-name rebels left and right, so it made perfect sense. And presumably they do the same on Hoth, though we don't actually see it.

I think the best they ever did with Our Heroes was when one nicked Leia on the arm in Jedi. He must've been really ecstatic.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 9:50 PM on March 18, 2013


There's a line in the Red Hot Chili Peppers' song Californication that misrpronounces Alderaan as Alderon.

I just heard that part of the song, and... it sounds fine to me? At worst it's in between "Ah" and "Oh," but it seems close enough.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 9:53 PM on March 18, 2013


Why are Stormtroopers such poor shots?
It's ok, I will show myself out.
Carry on.
posted by dougzilla at 11:44 PM on March 18, 2013


I've never really understood why that "WAAT??" sound bite from Vader doesn't get as much traction as "It's a trap!!"
posted by dry white toast at 8:14 AM on March 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


Actually, Vader tried to warn Tarkin that it was all over, but Tarkin didn't listen. You can't blame Vader for finally having had enough.
posted by homunculus at 12:28 PM on March 19, 2013


There's a line in the Red Hot Chili Peppers' song Californication that misrpronounces Alderaan as Alderon

Maybe he thought it was Swedish.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:00 PM on March 19, 2013


Just to go off on a somewhat more serious tangent, fun though this thread is, here's how Brad Bird would have kicked off Return of the Jedi, according to Patton Oswalt:
I was talking with [director] Brad Bird one time, and he said it's like the beginning of Return of the Jedi. Luke shows up and he's a badass. He said they should've opened it with Luke in the swamp saying to Yoda, "You said 'Don't go.' I said 'Fuck you, I'm gonna go help my friends.' I went and got my hand cut off and my friends are in even worse trouble because of what I did. I fucked up everything." And then Yoda should have gone, "Now you're a Jedi. Now you're beyond the fear of failure. Now you're ready." That would have made it even cooler.
From all Lucas's pandering and second-guessing going on ever since Jedi, it's a fair bet that he never got beyond the fear of failure. Instead, he has a fandom in either explaining away the plot holes in his six-film epic with increasingly baroque conspiracy theories or turning them on their heads as in the FPP's video.
posted by Doktor Zed at 2:56 PM on March 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


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