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Turn Around, Go Home, and Never Return to This Place
July 14, 2013 3:37 PM   Subscribe

What we saw was... something else. A drugged-out looking dancer in a white thong, white athletic socks, and white sneakers marching in place on a lighted platform. Just marching, marching. Sometimes he would lift his stiff arms and make grabby hands at the old dudes watching him. The best part was the CD player was broken, so "Don't Cha?" by the Pussycat Dolls played on repeat. Marching, marching, marching. One Star Yelp Reviews Of Strip Clubs
posted by mannequito (117 comments total) 27 users marked this as a favorite

 
I keep imagining this as read by Werner Herzog and I cannot adequately describe how delightful I find the results.
posted by elizardbits at 3:44 PM on July 14, 2013 [57 favorites]


"Last Monday my wife and I took my newly 21 year old son out, we ended up at Little Darlings."

That's weird, right?
posted by Sys Rq at 3:45 PM on July 14, 2013 [63 favorites]


Funny so many of the reviews are for clubs featuring male dancers. I could write such a review ::shudder:: Never again. I don't care whose birthday it is.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:47 PM on July 14, 2013 [5 favorites]


"That's weird, right?"

Yes.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 3:47 PM on July 14, 2013 [4 favorites]


This same dancer also had new growth if any of you know what that is.

I don't know what that is. A cursory googling doesn't help either (lots of new agey stuff). Any help? Is it a bun in the oven?
posted by GrumpyDan at 3:52 PM on July 14, 2013


Probably means a five o'clock shadow around the interesting bits.
posted by dhartung at 3:53 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


Shenanigans - Albany, New York.

( falls out of chair laughing)
posted by The Whelk at 3:54 PM on July 14, 2013 [4 favorites]


I got enough of these places when I was 17 and I'd deliver food to them. Chicken wings. That was actually kind of awesome. The dancers tipped very well and they were naked and I was 17. Illegal for me to be in there, but no one cared because I had food. A magic year!

Once in a while, a dancer would order in the afternoon. Did you ever get a look at the kind of guys who go to a strip club for lunch? It's....not inspirational.
posted by thelonius at 3:58 PM on July 14, 2013 [28 favorites]


New growth. It's basically the Black Hair equivalent of, "Her roots were showing." Quelle horreur.
posted by Sys Rq at 3:58 PM on July 14, 2013 [3 favorites]


Thanks, Sys Rq.

Seems a weird thing to talk about like it's a scandal, but I guess I'm not really the demographic strip clubs are shooting for.
posted by GrumpyDan at 4:00 PM on July 14, 2013 [2 favorites]


Once in a while, a dancer would order in the afternoon. Did you ever get a look at the kind of guys who go to a strip club for lunch? It's....not inspirational.

Look: I was 22, my Greyhound departed at 2PM, I felt like having a beer while I read my Bukowski, and despite everything it was a slightly less sad place to sit and wait than the bus depot. No screaming kids running around, either.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 4:02 PM on July 14, 2013 [24 favorites]


I was just there for the $10 Kraft Mac'n'Cheese, man.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 4:04 PM on July 14, 2013 [8 favorites]


I'm just gonna throw out "Abandon Hope All ye who enter" as an also appropriate title for this thread.
posted by kurosawa's pal at 4:05 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


Huh, I was prepared to share the surprising fact that the food at strip clubs and hostess bars in Honolulu is not only important to customer satisfaction but supposedly quite delicious, but apparently people all across the U.S. also care about how good their strip club food is too.
posted by spamandkimchi at 4:05 PM on July 14, 2013 [4 favorites]


The Jailed Inmate? Logic says it's just a finishing touch to a mountain of bad grammar, but why is it, of all things, capitalized? It makes me think that the Jailed Inmate is some sort of video game character that you have to convince to give you some vital piece of information to solve the quest, and you can only find him at this overweight-themed strip club after midnight, where he has traded being surrounded by bars for being surrounded by stripper poles.

The Jailed Inmate's got some stories, man. Most of 'em you probably don't want to hear, though.
posted by chambers at 4:06 PM on July 14, 2013 [8 favorites]


$2 for the dijon ketchup
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 4:06 PM on July 14, 2013 [2 favorites]


I was just there for the $10 Kraft Mac'n'Cheese, man.

No joke, that place is only a couple of miles from my house. I've never been there, but one of my friends is a patent attorney whose boss takes him there on a semi-regular basis. I've never heard a complaint but, then again, I can't imagine they've ever eaten the food.
posted by uncleozzy at 4:09 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


The Jailed Inmate would be a great pub name.
posted by tservo at 4:12 PM on July 14, 2013 [4 favorites]


This one is my favorite: never likes it, keeps going back every 6 months or so.
posted by naoko at 4:18 PM on July 14, 2013 [8 favorites]


What the hell do they patent that that's an appropriate boss-employee relationship?!
posted by maryr at 4:22 PM on July 14, 2013 [2 favorites]


They say that when The Jailed Inmate enters the room Tom Waits starts playing on the jukebox, even I'd it was not previously loaded with it.
posted by Artw at 4:23 PM on July 14, 2013 [9 favorites]


How can The Jailed Inmate enter a room (that isn't in a jail)? Mustn't he or she be The Formerly Jailed No-Longer-An-Inmate at that point?
posted by kenko at 4:24 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


Who in the world goes to a strip club for food?? That's like going to a McDonald's for the ambience.
posted by mikeand1 at 4:25 PM on July 14, 2013 [5 favorites]


To the Jailed Inmate, every room is a prison.
posted by chambers at 4:25 PM on July 14, 2013 [33 favorites]


Who in the world goes to a strip club for food??

I imagine it could have something to do with being able to put something on an expense account? Maybe? On the other hand, most of these places don't sound much like fancy restaurants.
posted by elizardbits at 4:28 PM on July 14, 2013


It's part of his deal with Satan, so they say.
posted by Artw at 4:29 PM on July 14, 2013 [2 favorites]


Also I like to imagine the ennui and despair felt by someone who ends up as the head chef in a strip club's kitchen. It must be similar to the hilariously facepalmy feeling I get when I see that Taco Bell commercial where they insinuate there is an actual open flame grill in the kitchen upon which your steak tacos are handcrafted.
posted by elizardbits at 4:30 PM on July 14, 2013 [8 favorites]


I was 22, my Greyhound departed at 2PM, I felt like having a beer while I read my Bukowski

Besides, if you're 22 and reading Bukowski while waiting on the Dog, then you have to do it in a strip club. I think it's a law or something.

There used to be these maintenance guys at my job who'd take lunch breaks at the local strip club two or three times a week, then come back half hammered and start climbing ladders to replace light bulbs. They were real professionals, those guys.
posted by octobersurprise at 4:32 PM on July 14, 2013 [16 favorites]


Chattanooga represent!
posted by grabbingsand at 4:41 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


I don't get the concept of strip clubs. You go there and you know that you aren't getting laid, and you spend a lot of money for that privilege. What a deal.
posted by tservo at 4:41 PM on July 14, 2013 [8 favorites]


Little Darlings, if it's the one in New Orleans, is legendarily horrifying.

And I see it is. My hometown never disappoints.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 4:42 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


I don't get the concept of strip clubs.

I think it’s the naked people dancing.
posted by bongo_x at 4:55 PM on July 14, 2013 [12 favorites]


I don't get the concept of strip clubs.

titties
posted by jason's_planet at 4:58 PM on July 14, 2013 [5 favorites]


Besides, if you're 22 and reading Bukowski while waiting on the Dog, then you have to do it in a strip club. I think it's a law or something.

If you're 22 and still in your Bukowski phase you adspifUP(S*Dupofisdju9f8uPSOD*Uf[
posted by Joseph Gurl at 4:58 PM on July 14, 2013 [2 favorites]


Generally, one star reviews on Yelp are almost always hilarious. Reading them is a blast. You usually get a great mix of reviews from the same four groups of people.
This tumblr has a great mix of all of the above.

posted by Old Man McKay at 5:14 PM on July 14, 2013 [41 favorites]


Poorly Lit Taint is going to be the name of my juggalo tribute band.
posted by elizardbits at 5:20 PM on July 14, 2013 [61 favorites]


Gee thanks elizardbits now I have to explain to my in-laws why I just guffawed at my iPhone.
posted by Doleful Creature at 5:23 PM on July 14, 2013 [6 favorites]


#unusedJaegerNames Poorly Lit Taint
posted by Artw at 5:23 PM on July 14, 2013 [14 favorites]


Bukowski? Suit yourself. I favored Schopenhauer as my Greyhound reading. It was OK, except my copy of "The World As Will And Representation" smells like urinal cake now.
posted by thelonius at 5:23 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


elizardbits - "juggalo tribute band"

I would learn to play accordion or banjo to be in such a band.
posted by blob at 5:24 PM on July 14, 2013 [2 favorites]


Only time I ever went to a strip club: we were buying some equipment from a Canadian supplier, and the engineers up there begged us to let them take us to a strip club, because it was the only way their wives would let them out at night. Sad bastards.
posted by notsnot at 5:25 PM on July 14, 2013 [3 favorites]


I would learn to play accordion or banjo to be in such a band.

IRONICALLY I was thinking a polka-klezmer fusion would be the way to go for maximum funtimes.
posted by elizardbits at 5:26 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


elizardbits: I keep imagining this as read by Werner Herzog and I cannot adequately describe how delightful I find the results.
And what haunts me, is that in all the faces of all the strippers, I discover no kinship, no understanding, no mercy. I see only overwhelming indifference. To me, there is no such thing as a secret world of strippers.
I am half-tempted to post that as a Yelp review for Little Darlings.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 5:28 PM on July 14, 2013 [39 favorites]


I knew immediately from the description that the quoted review was The Lucky Horseshoe. It's one of Boystown's last remaining gloriously sleazy joints. The staff is quite welcoming. They serve free community popcorn with something that kinda resembles butter on it.
posted by Lieber Frau at 5:28 PM on July 14, 2013 [2 favorites]


There's a strip club in Portland, OR named "The Pitiful Princess." It lives up to its name.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 5:30 PM on July 14, 2013 [4 favorites]


If you're 22 and still in your Bukowski phase you adspifUP(S*Dupofisdju9f8uPSOD*Uf[

I tried to parse that as regex. Apparently that crossword post went to my brain.
posted by hoyland at 5:32 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


They serve free community popcorn with something that kinda resembles butter on it.

Worst. Euphemism. Ever.
posted by bongo_x at 5:33 PM on July 14, 2013 [13 favorites]


Generally, one star reviews on Yelp are almost always hilarious. Reading them is a blast. You usually get a great mix of reviews from the same four groups of people.
people reviewing places that nobody should ever take the time to review ("I just had a terrible experience at Arby's and everyone must be warned")
idiots who think they are gourmands and connoisseurs ("I know what a good stripper taint looks like, and believe you me, these taints were too large and too poorly lit... I'm never coming back to this club")
strange perfectionists who quibble over ridiculous nonsense ("The server brought out three forks in my napkin, instead of two. This is unacceptable... ONE STAR")
barely literate people ("I wont go to ur restarant ever agin :( :( :(")
This tumblr has a great mix of all of the above.


Also people who've actually never patronized the establishment they're one-starring. Things like "I drove by your place once and your sign outside was so ugly.... 1 star"
posted by gyc at 5:36 PM on July 14, 2013 [10 favorites]


I'm kinda hoping that Scruples, back in Bridgeport, CT is on there somewhere. It meets every stereotype of a strip club; Dirty, poorly lit, biker/mobster-run, in a shitty neighborhood.

Boy, I had some fun there.
posted by jonmc at 5:52 PM on July 14, 2013 [3 favorites]


(in CT, strip club laws are weird, BTW. If alcohol is served they can only strip down to A G-string. If there's no booze they can get buck naked. I dunno if I understand the logic.)
posted by jonmc at 5:54 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


notsnot: "the engineers up there begged us to let them take us to a strip club, because it was the only way their wives would let them out at night. "

What? The only place their wives would let them go?
posted by Apropos of Something at 6:03 PM on July 14, 2013


No compendium of strip club reviews, good or bad, is complete without mention of Atlanta's Clermont Lounge.
posted by nicebookrack at 6:07 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


I don't get the concept of strip clubs. You go there and you know that you aren't getting laid, and you spend a lot of money for that privilege. What a deal.


Lots of naked sexy time on HBO too, with even less chance of consummation. People like the sexy.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:10 PM on July 14, 2013 [2 favorites]


apparently people all across the U.S. also care about how good their strip club food is

Lot of business gets done in strip clubs.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:15 PM on July 14, 2013


Who in the world goes to a strip club for food?? That's like going to a McDonald's for the ambience.

Back when I lived in the midwest, my coworkers and I (guys and the occasional girl) used to go to the just-outside-city-limits strip club for the buffet.
All you can eat, cooked in the back, soul food for $10, seriously some of the best food in town.

Thing was, it was shaped like a T with the entrance at the bottom and stages at either end of the crossbar. So as you went in, you'd pass what was basically a senior citizen's brunch club, because they could sit in the vertical portion and not actually see the dancers.
posted by madajb at 6:26 PM on July 14, 2013 [6 favorites]


I pretty much never go to strip clubs. Why would I want to pay just to look? Its like going to a deli and telling him to show you the roast beef rub it all over your face and crotch pay then leave hungry. I want to be satisfied not left wanting.

I do--and yet kind of don't--want to know what this guy's ideal interaction with deli roast beef would be.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 6:26 PM on July 14, 2013 [18 favorites]


"Is that sliced the way you want it?"

"Oh YEAH baby!"
posted by maryr at 6:31 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


>They serve free community popcorn with something that kinda resembles butter on it.

Worst. Euphemism. Ever.


New from Blamco - I Can't Believe it's Not A Bodily Fluid~!
posted by codswallop at 6:32 PM on July 14, 2013 [2 favorites]


Midnight says hello!!!
posted by orme at 6:38 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


though I have never been there, I love the pride of Route 1 - the Golden Banana because it, like it's name, gets worse the more you think about it.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:50 PM on July 14, 2013 [2 favorites]


when The Jailed Inmate enters the room Tom Waits starts playing on the jukebox

I think this only happens if the strippers are from Minneapolis.
posted by bonehead at 7:11 PM on July 14, 2013 [2 favorites]


Family Guy - Sitting next to a woman who came to a strip club with her co-workers.
posted by 445supermag at 7:20 PM on July 14, 2013


I do--and yet kind of don't--want to know what this guy's ideal interaction with deli roast beef would be.

eeeee.....
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:22 PM on July 14, 2013


Metafilter: like going to a deli and telling him to show you the roast beef rub it all over your face and crotch pay then leave hungry.
posted by michaelh at 7:24 PM on July 14, 2013 [4 favorites]



I don't get the concept of strip clubs. You go there and you know that you aren't getting laid, and you spend a lot of money for that privilege. What a deal.


I don't get it, either. I got dragged to one once... yada yada, 'King's Cross', 'rite of passage'... and it just seemed depressing. It costs way more than Internet porn too.

I guess burlesque is the higher class version, but that has more of an element of performance to it. Still pretty meh.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 7:32 PM on July 14, 2013 [2 favorites]



Lots of naked sexy time on HBO too, with even less chance of consummation. People like the sexy.


HBO shows have plots.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 7:32 PM on July 14, 2013


Heh, I clicked the link expecting it to be depressing, maybe people criticizing some poor dancers just trying to make enough money to get by... but these are pretty great!
posted by Secretariat at 7:38 PM on July 14, 2013


HBO shows have plots.

A friend's dad used to own a strip club and the Machiavellian plotting for status there (according to him) could have been written by GRRM. Of course, customers were mostly oblivious.
posted by michaelh at 7:40 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


I live and work near Bridgeport. I had a British boss who would come over a few times a year. He talked about the times he went out with a mutual coworker and would always "end up in Scruples".

For the longest time I thought this was a Britishism for shitfaced, until driving by the club for the umpteenth time I put it together. So I now use the phrase "end up in Scruples" to describe any good ending to an evening.

I recently took a new job and gained some cultural currency with my coworkers by mentioning "Scrupe's". Still haven't been in there, though.
posted by These Premises Are Alarmed at 7:49 PM on July 14, 2013 [9 favorites]


I don't get the concept of strip clubs. You go there and you know that you aren't getting laid,

So, I once dated a girl who stripped. Just as people get into stripping for a variety of reasons (in her case, to save up a lot of money in a short amount of time to put a down payment on a house), guys go to strip clubs for a variety of reasons, too. She told me about guys who would roll in from the local frathouse, all trying hard to out-dog each other, or the lonely guys whose wives didn't talk to them anymore, or the socially stunted single guys who just wanted a pretty girl to talk to, or the guys who had a very specific and intense interest in just making a girl dance in private for them, or the guys who were just plain curious.

So the "concept" of strip clubs, really, is never written in stone. Not for the women and men who work there, nor for their clients.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 7:50 PM on July 14, 2013 [13 favorites]


Your mileage may vary.
posted by Ber at 8:02 PM on July 14, 2013


Yelp is where everyone can unleash their inner Ignatius J. Reilly without benefit of Ignatz's gorgeous tortured soul.
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:03 PM on July 14, 2013 [10 favorites]


Just as people get into stripping for a variety of reasons (in her case, to save up a lot of money in a short amount of time to put a down payment on a house), guys go to strip clubs for a variety of reasons, too.

I spent a couple of years going to a strip club with a straight friend of mine, because he wanted to be able to hang out, chat, tell jokes and basically interact with a friend while at a strip club, and none of his straight friends would do that -- they'd all just get lost in the sexual atmosphere of the place and would basically shut out all the other guys in the joint, even if they were friends.

So he'd take me along, he'd buy me drinks and food, I'd sit mostly looking at the male patrons and having my own fantasy strip show in my mind as each struck my fancy, and we'd sit and laugh and tell jokes and have a great time.

It was an odd couple of years, but it was a lot of fun for both of us.
posted by hippybear at 8:16 PM on July 14, 2013 [3 favorites]


Fritz That's Too, pushing the borders of good taste and grammar.
posted by benzenedream at 8:25 PM on July 14, 2013


I don't get the concept of strip clubs. You go there and you know that you aren't getting laid

Unless they go to a club where some of the women prostitute on the side.
posted by nooneyouknow at 8:29 PM on July 14, 2013


Your mileage may vary.

And such small portions, too!
posted by winna at 8:41 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


HBO shows have plots.

Point of order, True Blood.
posted by The Whelk at 8:45 PM on July 14, 2013 [4 favorites]


I'm kinda hoping that Scruples, back in Bridgeport, CT is on there somewhere. It meets every stereotype of a strip club; Dirty, poorly lit, biker/mobster-run, in a shitty neighborhood.

I went to college in CT, and one of my friends was a stripper. She straight refused to work at Scruples, no matter what. "Don't wanna end up in the river," was her answer whenever she was asked why.
posted by KathrynT at 8:54 PM on July 14, 2013 [7 favorites]


I grew up in CT, but on the Fairfield side of the Farifield/Bridgeport divide, so our area was too genteel for strip clubs.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 8:55 PM on July 14, 2013


I've been to one strip club and one burlesque show in a museum. Oddly the women had to keep pasties and g-strings on at the strip club but were completed naked at the museum show. No rules if it's art, I guess.
posted by octothorpe at 9:04 PM on July 14, 2013 [2 favorites]


Reno on the first page. yep.
posted by telstar at 12:20 AM on July 15, 2013


The best (and only good) strip club experience I've ever had:

The Location- Spike's Vampire Bar, Black Rock City, Nevada (also known as Burning Man).

The Scene - 5am or so, sunrise. A girl spontaneously goes up to the stripper poll and, well, slowly strips all the way down. The lone dancer in front of her is a guy in a wheelchair popping wheelies.

The Soundtrack - Alanis Morrisette's You Oughta Know.

Me - Hypnotized, slowly turning to the bartender and haggling, eventually trading my flip flops for a double shot of tequila.
posted by mannequito at 12:26 AM on July 15, 2013 [6 favorites]


Imagine my joy upon discovering that the famous King Arthur's Lounge is listed first. As if the place invented it's very own Tumblr genre. For those who have never been, it's a cross between downscale strip joint, cockfight ring and hiring hall.
posted by jsavimbi at 3:28 AM on July 15, 2013


I don't get the concept of strip clubs. You go there and you know that you aren't getting laid

Sometimes you just need to look at it
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 3:40 AM on July 15, 2013


I don't get the concept of strip clubs.

titties


and beer.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 4:45 AM on July 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


At my last office job, I had a manager who loved, loved loved going to strip clubs. (It was, I think, a fetish for him, as his day-to-day persona was that of a highly straight-laced, moral christian family man.) He would occasionally insist that we all go to a club at lunch or right after work, under the pretense of team-building. Ugh.

I utterly hate strip clubs. Always have. Even as a single guy, I just found them about the most depressing place on Earth. But, I dutifully accompanied my manager on our outings and watched in dumb disbelief as this guy went about his mission like a kid in a candy store. Tucking bills, buying private dances, and trying to buy us private dances. I got very good at making eye contact with the first girl that approached our group and silently communicating that I was to be left alone during my stay. I have to say, they always got the message.

Also...There is no lower rung on the ladder-of-pathetic as the weekday lunch buffet at an Indiana strip club.
posted by Thorzdad at 4:47 AM on July 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


I think the guy who got thrown out of the club because he was deaf has grounds for a discrimination suit.

I think the guy who got thrown out of the club because he was deaf will never file that suit.
posted by tommasz at 5:15 AM on July 15, 2013


I have to wonder, based on essentially every strip club sign I have ever seen, if kindly mefites are not spiffing up the names of the places they are mentioning. Maybe it is a Canadian thing, but I would be certain these places are called Scruple's and Little Darling's (I say this having lived in a town with places called Temptation's and the deeply odd Foxe's Den).
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:31 AM on July 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


I don't get the concept of strip clubs. You go there and you know that you aren't getting laid, and you spend a lot of money for that privilege. What a deal.
This is a sentiment that's very commonly put forth in threads by this. I frankly just don't get it. People enjoy going to a lot of places where they know that they aren't getting laid. And even ignoring that, why is it so surprising that people enjoy seeing naked people dancing provocatively? It would be surprising for people *not* to enjoy seeing naked people dancing provocatively.

The whole "It makes no sense, you know you're not getting laid" thing seems to me like "By the way, did I mention that I don't own a TV? By the way, did I mention that I don't own a TV? By the way, did I mention that I don't own a TV? By the way, did I mention that I don't own a TV?"
posted by Flunkie at 5:44 AM on July 15, 2013 [8 favorites]


I went to a strip club that existed for just a few weeks. It was called "Concrete Jungle" and it was near Boston's North Station.

The proprietors clearly did not have a license to operate a strip club, so they went to a First Amendment defense-- it was not a strip club, it was a comedy club. The women danced around with a joke book and would occasionally stop and read a joke. This really happened-- I learned about it from Bill Simmons' early "Boston Sports Guy" column on Digital Cities Boston. The reader who sent in the tip exhorted everyone to check it out for the absurdist value before it was closed. Highlights:

A Russian stripper who couldn't read English very well struggling to tell lightbulb jokes in a thicker-than-Borat accent while standing in lingerie with one hand on her hip and her boobs out of her bra.

A girl with an equally thick Boston accent motioning to the DJ, who paused the music.

"Can yuh tuhrn it down, Sully [no shit]? They cahn't hear me." Then she added with a smirk "I'm a COMEDIAN!"
posted by Mayor Curley at 5:59 AM on July 15, 2013 [16 favorites]


"This is a sentiment that's very commonly put forth in threads by this. I frankly just don't get it."

I've only been to strip clubs a few times in my life. But in 1999, I went to an all-nude club for the first time and also got my first lapdance. It was one of the more intensely sexual experience of my life. Actually, it sort of messed with my head. I was having flashbacks for a couple of weeks (in a sort of good but disorienting way).

It was as legitimate sexual experience as any other.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 6:01 AM on July 15, 2013


True, pre-smart phone story: So it's February 2001 and I travel up to Montreal for a buddy's bachelor weekend filled with booze, hockey and, yes, strip clubs. We agree to meet up Saturday afternoon before the Canadiens game at Club Super Sexe. I arrive a bit early and, not seeing my chums, sit at the empty back bar (save the dude sitting at the end, sporting a shiny leather jacket and wearing his sunglasses inside). Who's the knucklehead who thinks he's Bono?, I ask myself as I sip the day's first Molson. Bono wannabe gets up from the bar, walks by me to go to the loo and holy shit, it's Bono!

He's really short. (Said the guy who's 5'9".)
posted by wensink at 6:12 AM on July 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


"I don't get the concept of strip clubs. You go there and you know that you aren't getting laid, and you spend a lot of money for that privilege. What a deal."

This is, perhaps unwittingly, really dismissive of a lot of the diversity of human sexuality that isn't dependant on heteronormative idea that PIV sex that is reduced to a race to orgasm is the only real or valid form of sexual expression. There is a lot more to sex than just a messy end and, while I myself can't really see the parts I personally enjoy being part of a strip club experience either, just because we don't see it doesn't mean others don't.
posted by Blasdelb at 6:19 AM on July 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


Club Super Sexe holds a place in my heart - not because I've ever been there, but because they use air ads after 11:30pm on the Plattsburgh, NY/Burlington, VT NBC affiliate, WPTZ. You'd be watching Leno, the show would go to a commericial break, and suddenly the whole room would glow hot pink from the Club Super Sexe ad, generally featuring unrealistic drinks and at best moderately attractive girls.

The best ad ever was when they added some sort of distortion lens to make the girls' legs look longer, which might have worked, but they didn't cut the shot before showing her now GIGANTIC feet...
posted by maryr at 7:28 AM on July 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Guys I went to a baseball game and they didn't even let me take a swing. I don't get why people go to baseball games.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 8:03 AM on July 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Schwing?!
posted by wensink at 8:06 AM on July 15, 2013


Schwing.
posted by sciencegeek at 8:09 AM on July 15, 2013


I ended up in a strip club in a Hattiesburg, Mississippi one afternoon with a guy friend of mine. It was pretty rough. The one young lady desultorily dancing lit up when we sat down and came over to us at the end of the song. Of course when she asked if we were married, we said yes. Gesturing at a corner table, she said, "That's so sweet! I met my husband when he was sitting right over there!"

4 stars, but no plan to return.
posted by thebrokedown at 8:20 AM on July 15, 2013


The best ad ever was when they added some sort of distortion lens to make the girls' legs look longer, which might have worked, but they didn't cut the shot before showing her now GIGANTIC feet...

What would truly make that rock would be if the club was named "Rodin's".
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:58 AM on July 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


The one used in the OP made me LOL! But I couldn't find it at the link, I'm really curious to know which club it described.

Anyone know?
posted by MoxieProxy at 9:27 AM on July 15, 2013


It was The Lucky Horseshoe in Chicago.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:52 AM on July 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


I once went to a strip club, towards the end of a very rowdy bachelorette party. It was a fairly high-end place, I guess- I'm not entirely sure how to tell- but it was not at all like I expected.

First of all, the girls were astonishingly, unrealistically good looking- except for the dancers. The dancers went on one at a time, and the first dancer was just regular looking. The next dancer was really pretty and the last dancer of the set was like a work of art. Seriously, like a sculpture. I didn't know people in real life could look like that.

Secondly, I had always thought that strippers, you know, dance around and slowly take off their clothes. Oh man, no. These women were athletes, man. They weren't just wiggling around taking of clothes! They were doing crazy stuff, they were more like gymnasts. Naked gymnasts. It was nuts. I have so much respect for strippers' abilities now. I mean, I totally understand why people would want to watch these people perform; I'm not even sexually attracted to them and I wanted to watch them perform because they were just so damn good.

It's interesting being a woman at a strip club. Some of the dancers are really friendly and kind of pal around with you- the one girl was joking around with us while she was dancing near us, talking about how hot the lights were and stuff, and some of the dancers just behave like they do with the men- trying to sell you a lap dance, trying to make money- and some of them look at you like they absolutely hate you and then ignore you.

In the washroom, I was talking with one of the dancers and I asked if she liked her work, if she felt exploited. She told me how if she didn't get many private dances and other girls did, she would feel bad about herself, like that maybe she wasn't pretty enough, but I dunno if that was a genuine response or if she was just trying to sell me a lapdance. I think the brid-to-be went ahead and got one, I don't remember now.

A lot of the guys there didn't actually seem very interested in the strippers unless the dancers were doing the really athletic stuff- they were talking with their friends and getting drinks. I guess the guys who were really interested got private rooms. And, nobody was throwing money onstage or tucking bills into the dancers' garments the way they do in the movies. I'm not sure if that's because it's an upscale place or if that just doesn't actually happen in real life.

Anyways, it was really expensive and I don't drink and I never went back. It was a really interesting experience to have had, though.
posted by windykites at 3:03 PM on July 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


I enjoy burlesque and I never expect to get laid there. It's hilarious and fun.

I've only been in a couple of strip clubs and they were depressing. I could totally see how it wouldn't be hard to create a not-depressing one, though. It's just that they're usually shoved to the edge of town in crappy buildings.
posted by small_ruminant at 5:21 PM on July 15, 2013


HBO shows have plots.

Point of order, True Blood.


True Blood: Now With Better Plots AND Weird Humping
posted by homunculus at 1:09 AM on July 16, 2013


Burlesque = Artisan Strippers.
posted by jonmc at 7:09 AM on July 16, 2013 [4 favorites]


And in our case, they're LOCAL artisan strippers.

And, generally speaking, organic.
posted by small_ruminant at 12:00 PM on July 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


"And, generally speaking, organic."

They're probably on artificial hormones and antibiotics.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 12:34 PM on July 16, 2013


Are they overpriced, too?
posted by jonmc at 12:38 PM on July 16, 2013


Well, I doubt they qualify for big-porn government subsidies, though that probably varies.
posted by small_ruminant at 1:51 PM on July 16, 2013


Who in the world goes to a strip club for food??

The same person who subscribes to Playboy Magazine for the articles?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:00 PM on July 16, 2013



Who in the world goes to a strip club for food??

The same person who subscribes to Playboy Magazine for the articles?


This analogy would hold if strip clubs regurally had meals cooked by the best chefs of the day. Honestly, the articles have long been the best part of Playboy.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 9:05 PM on July 16, 2013


(in CT, strip club laws are weird, BTW. If alcohol is served they can only strip down to A G-string. If there's no booze they can get buck naked. I dunno if I understand the logic.)

New York City used to be that way too (thank you very fucking much, Giuliani). I think the "logic" is that having both exposed vulvae and alcohol in the same room is just way too volatile a combination for public use. ....Even if that's not true, I like that theory.

It's interesting being a woman at a strip club. Some of the dancers are really friendly and kind of pal around with you- the one girl was joking around with us while she was dancing near us, talking about how hot the lights were and stuff, and some of the dancers just behave like they do with the men- trying to sell you a lap dance, trying to make money- and some of them look at you like they absolutely hate you and then ignore you.

I've previously mentioned the club my friends and I would hang out at before; I think the appeal for the women in our group was watching the guys in our group make damn fools of themselves and then teasing them about their reactions to the show. But we also had a few of the dancers start hanging out at our table between sets, and one time one of us threw a party and issued an invite to one of the regular dancers from the club - not for a second thinking she'd show up. ...She actually did. In regular old comfy street clothes. To my friends' credit, they thought nothing of it, just shrugged and said, "well, hell, awesome, she showed up" and just handed her a beer and let her mingle. They left her to choose how to handle the questions about "so how do you know the hosts?" and I think someone got into an epic debate with her over whether Ghost Rider or X-Men was the superiour comic franchise.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:15 PM on July 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


Honestly, the articles have long been the best part of Playboy.

Certainly for the last ten years or so. Online access to high quality porn is now ubiquitous -- in a lot of ways the only reason to read Playboy *is* for the articles.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:23 PM on July 16, 2013


Honestly, the articles have long been the best part of Playboy.

I was making a joke, but thanks for letting me know.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:51 PM on July 16, 2013


I'm a cook at a strip club. It is helping to pay the bills and keep me in scotch during my two months off every year. I was supposed to work as a cook at an acquaintance's restaurant, but he ended up taking over kitchen operations at this club and asked me to step in and cook. Burgers, fried shit and sandwiches. The prices aren't bad (especially considering how overpriced the booze is) and the food that I actually cook is good. But a lot of what I sell is fried shit that just gets dropped in the fryer. Dancers LOVE fried food. After the first week or so seeing strippers dance got pretty boring. I get to read a ton of books which is the best part of this weird job. And its great for one's memoirs.
posted by nestor_makhno at 1:24 AM on July 17, 2013 [2 favorites]


windykites: "And, nobody was throwing money onstage or tucking bills into the dancers' garments the way they do in the movies. I'm not sure if that's because it's an upscale place or if that just doesn't actually happen in real life."

Depends on the club and/or local regulations. It certainly happens at some places.
posted by Chrysostom at 3:41 PM on July 17, 2013


Oh, yeah, I missed that about "tucking money into the costumes" - it depends on the club and the dancer's preference. At the club I used to go to, one of the women once brought a couple of male "backup dancers" onstage with her for her act, a couple of really enthusiastic male go-go dancers. They were getting a lot of kudos when they came around for tips, and when they came to our table, I started to hand one of the guys my dollar - but then hesitated and asked if I could tuck it into his Speedos "like they do in the movies." He just grinned, held up his arms and winked at me, and I did so - it looked like it made his day. However, one of the guys I was with asked the woman dancer if he could do that to her, and she said no.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:34 PM on July 17, 2013 [1 favorite]


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