Corey Feldman - Ascension Millennium
July 16, 2013 7:58 AM   Subscribe

Corey Feldman is probably most widely recognized as a child star of the 1980s, but since then he has branched out into music. Yet with two group albums and two solo albums, his only music video appearances have been cameos (Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night" [Funny or Die] and Mac Miller's "S.D.S." [YouTube]). That is, until now: "Ascension Millennium" (YT) is the first song off his forthcoming album, and it's "a musical journey through his 'Feldmansion' in this Day in the Life Adventure," complete with an appearance from his pal Sean Astin from "The Goonies" and tributes to Michael Jackson.

Of course, this song is old news if you caught Corey at the Whiskey A Go Go (YT) earlier this year.

Here are some reviews of and information on Corey's other studio music:
posted by filthy light thief (58 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
Is nobody else going to say it?

Okay. I'll say it.

This is terrible.
posted by grabbingsand at 8:02 AM on July 16, 2013 [4 favorites]


"Don't quit your day job - whatever that is." - Homer Simspon
posted by Max Power at 8:06 AM on July 16, 2013 [5 favorites]


Yes, it's one of those ungreat things I really wanted to share. So here we are. You're welcome, or I'm sorry.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:07 AM on July 16, 2013 [5 favorites]


CF on the original Howard Stern Show (1992) asks "What Up With The Youth?". Drugs, gang violence, all that stuff that was plaguing the nation back then, stuff that worries the mind of a young Hollywood star than causes musical comment re: the state of the Nation.

Or worries the mind of a cranky old dude in Florida with the waist of his shorts up above his belly button and black socks w/ his topsiders, waving his cane in defense of his lawn.

I could see that guy asking that question as well.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 8:08 AM on July 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


I need to wash my brain out with an equally catchy, yet good song. Thanks for the earworm that will most likely last all day!
posted by nicolemariecherie at 8:11 AM on July 16, 2013


Corey Haim was a musician, too.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:15 AM on July 16, 2013


"Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: gory, story, allegory, montessori..."
posted by Talez at 8:15 AM on July 16, 2013 [8 favorites]


"If the traditional narrative of former child actors is your basic "Behind the Music" arc of success -> hubris -> failure -> rock bottom -> redemption, Corey Feldman seems cursed to swing eternally between steps three and four, a celebrity Sisyphus pushing a giant stack of Star magazines through a never-ending news cycle."

-- from Listening to the Corey Feldman Prog Rock Record.
posted by grabbingsand at 8:17 AM on July 16, 2013 [3 favorites]


I need to wash my brain out with an equally catchy, yet good song. Thanks for the earworm that will most likely last all day!

Here, try some TOKiMONSTA feat. MNDR - "Go With It" (Grooveshark; tons of video sources)
posted by filthy light thief at 8:20 AM on July 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


filthy light thief: "Yes, it's one of those ungreat things I really wanted to share. So here we are. You're welcome, or I'm sorry."

As a fan of your posts, presenting it without editorializing is one of my favorite examples of "is this guy playing the long game with regard to totally fucking with me?" in recent memory.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:21 AM on July 16, 2013 [4 favorites]


I need to wash my brain out with an equally catchy, yet good song. Thanks for the earworm that will most likely last all day!

Whigfield - Sexy Eyes
posted by Talez at 8:22 AM on July 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


Corey, "Goonies never say die!" was just a line in a movie. It's ok to stop now.
posted by orme at 8:24 AM on July 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


CF on the original Howard Stern Show (1992) asks "What Up With The Youth?"

That sounded like a really lazy Beck in his Midnight Vultures phase.
posted by Think_Long at 8:25 AM on July 16, 2013


I've always liked Corey Feldman, and I still do, but his reach has so far exceeded his grasp in everything he's done since maybe the Goonies (viz). The right project eludes him.

I had long held hopes that Quentin Tarantino would make a film that cast both Coreys, and was awesome, and it lifted them back into a small semblance of respectability. But the seemingly inevitable untimely passing of Mr. Haim in 2010 dashed this hope, and now Mr. Feldman is forever just one Corey, alone - a left shoe, a lone mitten, a single pant.
posted by dirtdirt at 8:25 AM on July 16, 2013 [6 favorites]


Whigfield - Sexy Eyes

Oh, Eurodancepop.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:26 AM on July 16, 2013


Oh wow. I think I just cringed into last week.
posted by LMGM at 8:28 AM on July 16, 2013 [3 favorites]


presenting it without editorializing is one of my favorite examples of "is this guy playing the long game with regard to totally fucking with me?" in recent memory.

I was really tempted to link to some reviews: Corey Feldman's 'Ascension Millennium' Video Will Never Be Unseen (HuffPo), Corey Feldman's Ascension Millennium Is 100% Unbearable! (Perez Hilton, with the URL including corey-feldman-ascension-millennium-worst-music-video-ever), etc. etc. etc. but I thought, nah, I'll just let people see and hear it for themselves.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:29 AM on July 16, 2013


I had long held hopes that Quentin Tarantino would make a film that cast both Coreys, and was awesome, and it lifted them back into a small semblance of respectability.

A million Quentin Tarantinos working with a million Corey Feldmans for a million years could never achieve this goal.
posted by nevercalm at 8:31 AM on July 16, 2013


Perez Hilton calling something 100% unbearable... talk about a lose/lose.

On the other hand, Olivia Newton-John is no longer in the worst music video involving people more famous in the 1980s, so I thank Mr. Feldman for that.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:34 AM on July 16, 2013


You have to hand it to him...he keeps trying to make this fame thing work for him. And maybe it does! He's not stuck in a cubicle answering customer support calls (not that there's a thing wrong with that). But it just seems so...sad.
posted by xingcat at 8:44 AM on July 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


I always kind of felt sorta bad for Mr Feldman. He was a pretty decent little actor starting out, but somewhere along the way, fell into some sort of worldview where, if people didn't appreciate him the way he did, they were flawed somehow. He never seemed to have any real sense of self-awareness. Which I suppose is a hazard of growing up a child entertainer.

With guys like him (and there are a few celebrities I could name but just can't think of right now), I never feel the need to mock. Just sort of pity. It's kind of like I sort of admire that he keeps on keepin' on, but on the other hand, if he'd have a healthier perspective...
posted by grubi at 8:46 AM on July 16, 2013


Here, try some TOKiMONSTA feat. MNDR - "Go With It" (Grooveshark; tons of video sources)

Thanks! I love MNDR, and have never heard of TOKiMONSTA. Will continue to check them (her/him?) out.
posted by nicolemariecherie at 8:51 AM on July 16, 2013


He's no Josh Fenderman.
posted by cottoncandybeard at 8:53 AM on July 16, 2013 [3 favorites]


Just wait until you see the side project I've been working on.
posted by Corey Feldman and the Goatse National Orchestra at 8:56 AM on July 16, 2013 [8 favorites]


This
posted by davebush at 8:58 AM on July 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


That was a lot worse than I was expecting. The MJ aping is extremely unsettling somehow.
posted by molecicco at 9:04 AM on July 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


Feldman has been aping MJ for a loooong time, why stop now?
posted by entropicamericana at 9:14 AM on July 16, 2013


I always kind of felt sorta bad for Mr Feldman. He was a pretty decent little actor starting out, but somewhere along the way, fell into some sort of worldview where, if people didn't appreciate him the way he did, they were flawed somehow. He never seemed to have any real sense of self-awareness. Which I suppose is a hazard of growing up a child entertainer.

Yup, ditto, watched Stand By Me on the weekend, he's great, they all are.

Perhaps some of CF's issues stem from inappropriate sexual touching from the most famous celebrity on the planet, that might mess with your head a bit.
posted by Cosine at 9:15 AM on July 16, 2013


I swear - every time I see his and/or Corey Haim's name, I think - he's dead, right?
posted by arkham_inmate_0801 at 9:19 AM on July 16, 2013


Well, I watched the whole thing. I normally watch/listen to about 10 seconds of things I see here pointed out as good. I’m not sure what that says.

I haven’t really paid any attention to Corey Feldman, but he looks much better than I expected after all the drama.

You know what’s really terrible though? That blogcritics review. Yikes.
posted by bongo_x at 9:32 AM on July 16, 2013


Thanks! I love MNDR, and have never heard of TOKiMONSTA. Will continue to check them (her/him?) out.

Her, and she is ossum! (I've been meaning to post about her, and this might be the kick in the pants to get me moving.)
posted by filthy light thief at 9:34 AM on July 16, 2013


ASTIN: Hello? Mom? I wasn't hanging up on you, I think the battery on the other handset just--

FELDMAN: HEY BUD IT'S ME COREY WHASSUPPPPPP

ASTIN: oh jesus

[five minutes later]

FELDMAN: SO THEN YOU GIVE ME LIKE THE ANCIENT SCROLL AND I THROW AN INHALER AT YOU FOR YOUR ASSMAR

ASTIN: I don't -- ancient scroll? What's it for? What purpose does it -- asthma?

FELDMAN: TOTAL GOONIES REFERENCE DUDE ALSO SUCKS TO YOUR ASSMAR, PIGGY

ASTIN: What?

FELDMAN: LITERARY REFERENCE BIZNATCHES I GOTTA GO BLOWS IT UP SEE YOU SATURDAY AT FIVE BUD

ASTIN: What? Hello? I didn't -- what?
posted by Shepherd at 9:40 AM on July 16, 2013 [9 favorites]


His McMansion looks exactly like the kind of house that would have been rented out to production companies in the early 2000s for shooting low-budget teen party movies and sketch comedy show parodies of MTV's Cribs.
posted by Atom Eyes at 9:45 AM on July 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


Atom Eyes: If you are referring to the house from his reality show it was not his, just a studio rental.
posted by Cosine at 10:08 AM on July 16, 2013


I meant the one in the awful music video.
posted by Atom Eyes at 10:12 AM on July 16, 2013


He also had a cameo in the video for We Are All Made of Stars.

is this where I admit that I kinda liked watching him lick the cell phone? no? okay I'll show myself out
posted by Lucinda at 10:17 AM on July 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


A million Quentin Tarantinos working with a million Corey Feldmans for a million years could never achieve this goal.

Totally disagree. He had talent once and he still has a compelling, if not really attractive, face. Cast as a junkie or low-level criminal, with someone who can get good performances from difficult people, he could still do something good. I'm not saying he'd become Brando, but there's something there to work with.

Jesus that song is a fucking earworm.
posted by Bookhouse at 10:23 AM on July 16, 2013


So in the video, how come Corey showers but the, er, "angels" don't? I don't know if I like the idea of unshowered angels. Especially unshowered angels with old Corey Feldman sweat clinging to them.
posted by JanetLand at 10:25 AM on July 16, 2013


Oh dear.
posted by Lutoslawski at 10:37 AM on July 16, 2013


unshowered angels with old Corey Feldman sweat clinging to them.

Which William Blake poem is that line from again?
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:41 AM on July 16, 2013 [5 favorites]


Dweebs is still his finest moment.
posted by scruss at 10:42 AM on July 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


I washed this away with Slade. Still, 5 minutes of my life I ain't gettin' back.
posted by Ber at 10:49 AM on July 16, 2013


It's weird that the two main lyrical motives of contemporary pop seem to be nihilistic hedonism and mindless, upbeat affirmations. Broadly, I'd class 'em as club music and workout music, though obviously there's a lot of overlap (two quick examples, contrasting "Let's Get Retarded" with "Tonight," both by BEP). And while a lot of those same impulses can be seen throughout pop history, I really think the eurodance that infuses pretty much all radio pop these days has brought those more into relief, especially with the affirmations, which seem to be part of the greater uplift leitmotiv of euro trance.
posted by klangklangston at 11:24 AM on July 16, 2013


I remember seeing him on American Bandstand or something way back when, so his terribleness comes as no surprise. He was rocking the MJ one glove thing and everything.

I'm pretty sure that Mr Show sketch about the movie star turned failed pop star that sued for a warning on money is supposed to be Corey Feldman.

Is that a Mac Miller/FlyLo song on the front page?
posted by Ad hominem at 11:26 AM on July 16, 2013


Why am I so compelled to get a NEON Energy Drink right now?
posted by fungible at 12:29 PM on July 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


In a former life I was in a band that opened for Feldman in the early '00s. He was pretty nice to us during load in and soundcheck, but the second the doors opened you would have thought it was 1989. We're talking two security guards flanking him, sunglasses (the club was a dive and had terrible lighting so he kept bumping into things), the MJ get up with one glove, the frosted hair. A completely ridiculous scene but we were getting paid so we put up with it and took it all in.

We hit the stage, played our 30 minutes, broke down our gear, and started loading everything out when we heard the most ridiculous (and totally Feldman) conversation ever. This (seriously attractive) woman in her, I assume, early 30s was totally going insane talking to Feldman and he was eating it up. I think he said something like "my childhood built an industry" or "I was put here to entertain" when she just blurted out "I can't believe I'm actually talking to Corey HAIM!!! Nobody at work is going to believe me." She quickly recognized her (honest) mistake but he got so mad that he jerked his sunglasses off and said something like "I'm not THAT wash up; I'm still a star. I really thought we had something but I guess not, you'll just have to have the Corey Experience from the crowd!" before storming off to the stage.

The second he hit the stage we started hitting the JD as hard as we could since we had to wait until the end of his set to get paid. His band was actually pretty tight but his "singing" made me pine for the soothing sounds of Stephen Pearcy or GG Allin. I mean, we're not talking being out of key or not being able to hit notes because of monitor issues, we're talking just absolutely NO singing skills and just shouting into the mic. Most of the vocals were covered by his backup singers (who were really good) but the second he started screaming into the mic we all started chugging JD to soften the aural assault coming from the stage.

Having listened to this "abortion" multiple times it's hilarious to me that Feldman's MO is still to simply shout the song title over someone else's song and pretend it's still 1989 all while pretending he's still a star. At some point you have to accept who you are and where you're at, it's pretty sad that he still hasn't done that.

By the way, we wound up getting stiffed for the gig but seeing the groupies by Feldman's bus after the gig is still both the funniest and most depressing thing I've ever witnessed in person.
posted by playertobenamedlater at 1:29 PM on July 16, 2013 [6 favorites]


So: the nineties and aughts didn't happen, he's the new Michael Jackson who wakes up with two Victoria's Secret models every morning, a sort of Michael Jackson/Charlie Sheen chimaera, if you will. And Sean Astin works for him, so throw in some Frodo Baggins as well.
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:09 PM on July 16, 2013 [3 favorites]


ASTIN: What? Hello? I didn't -- what?

Yeah, like Sean Astin has something better today. Feldman's a better actor than that guy.
posted by dobbs at 2:34 PM on July 16, 2013


Ok, so having listened to this with headphones on I'm pretty sure the only lines Feldman sings are "Ascension Millenium". Can anyone else confirm this?
posted by playertobenamedlater at 2:54 PM on July 16, 2013


Well, since playertobenamedlater started the "I met Corey Feldman" story time, I guess I'm up next.

Back in 2005,I was attending a conference for television commercial promotions people like myself (ProMax), and being friends with one of the organizers, I got to go to the "exclusive" party at a place near the Marriott (name escapes me). Now, we were told that all sorts of celebrities and execs would be there, but the only ones that showed up was some guy from the WB (now CW), Todd Rundgren, and Corey Feldman.

I was semi-interested in meeting Todd, who was wearing a shiny yellow shirt with Japanese dragons or some shit, and blue sunglasses, even though it was dark. Corey was also wearing a shiny shirt, barely buttoned, and black sunglasses.... Again, it was dark.

Seeing my opportunity, I walked up to Todd, said my name, thanked him for his work on New America, and asked him about what software he was using (ProTools, I guess) and see if I could get some pointers. Corey joined the conversation, even though I'm nit sure he knew what the hell we were talking about. It was such a bizarre 2 minutes. On one side, Todd Rundgren is speaking in these weird platitudes and talking about "the spirit of the sound", Corey is talking about "new monitors he has at home," or anything remotely related to sound production, and me feeling like I was the only one with any idea what the hell we were talking about, even though my SRT chops were Bminus, at best. Sad too, because by what I understand, Todd is a studio genius, so I must have caught him on a weird night.

Then Corey starts talking about working with VH1, and how he singlehandedly drummed up the demand for Surreal Life, and that he was in talks to do more projects. I remember he used these exact words: "Viacom is practically begging for me to return. My agent hasn't slept in months..." He then says, "I gotta get you his info. You'd like him, and he's a genius. Tell me you have a card."

Confused, I handed him my card. He looked at it, shook his head, turned around, and headed to the blue area without saying a word. I looked over to see Todd had wandered away at some point, too.

Later in the evening, I heard from my friend that Corey was flipping out about all the "zeros" at the party. He mentioned me specifically, and I guess it was because I have the same name as one of the bigwigs in programming for ABC. I would have thought my JC Penney attire would have suggested otherwise, but yeah Corey, I'm a zero.
posted by Bathtub Bobsled at 3:09 PM on July 16, 2013 [8 favorites]


You know his music is kind of nice...
when his mouth isn't screwing it up.
posted by Atom Eyes at 3:39 PM on July 16, 2013


That song was a lot less bad than I was expecting. It wasn't brilliant, but if I heard it in the background I wouldn't be annoyed.

The video was like that one kid in elementary school who had a new Trapper Keeper every school year, and always had an entire Coke can in his lunchbox and a Big Grab of chips instead of the little ziplock bag of pretzels your mom packed, and one day he invited you over and spent an hour showing off his house, which was bigger than yours but still a pretty bland split level, and you put up with it thinking maybe his mom would at least offer you some good snacks, but nope.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:26 PM on July 16, 2013 [4 favorites]


"I cannot be caught with puppet porn again!"
-Greg The Bunny
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 5:16 PM on July 16, 2013


Seconding Stand By Me; saw it recently - great film. That is all.
posted by parki at 9:46 PM on July 16, 2013


Is this where I confess that I had the biggest crush on him in junior high? What made him more crushable, in my eyes, was that he's Jewish and so am I. (Let me tell you, there just weren't a whole lot of cute Jewish celebrities around my age that I knew of back then)
posted by SisterHavana at 1:28 AM on July 17, 2013


If the glove don't fit, you must acquit.
posted by koeselitz at 10:55 AM on July 17, 2013 [1 favorite]


I just watched the first half of the video.

Why is his face doing that? Did he go all Mickey Rourke or something?

Dude, Ke$ha & Nicki Minaj called; they said they've had lunch meat that was less processed than those vocals, and dial it back some.

I'm not going back for the second half. Rather, I shall imagine him flying off in his Ascension Falcon, dressed like a child molester, the sour, sour taste of Angel-kiss in his morning mouth twisting his visage into a Joker-like rictus.

Shoulda brushed his teeth rather than taking that half-assed shower.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 11:25 AM on July 17, 2013


On the other hand, Olivia Newton-John is no longer in the worst music video involving people more famous in the 1980s,

That's a bit unfair.
That had Travolta's "hair" and line dancing.

Was there a callback anywhere in there to Friday The 13th anywhere in there?
I am afraid to rewatch.
posted by Mezentian at 3:47 AM on July 20, 2013


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