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Porn Sex v Real Sex
August 1, 2013 4:36 AM   Subscribe


 
You damn well better hope I get those images out of my mind soon, because if I break out laughing in the middle of, well, you know, and blurt out the name of some random veggie or fruit, it's going to ruin the whole experience and someone is going to be a bit angry with me.

(yeah, I know, there's a lot that can be done with that "veggie or fruit" part, knock yourselves out.)
posted by HuronBob at 4:48 AM on August 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


needs less Nutella. Also: a nsfl tag (not safe for lunch)
posted by Namlit at 5:00 AM on August 1, 2013 [9 favorites]


My goodness, I'm special!
posted by b33j at 5:19 AM on August 1, 2013


Whoever has a vagina that's got an avocado pit stuck in it should see a doctor.
posted by Mizu at 5:23 AM on August 1, 2013 [6 favorites]


Whoever has a vagina that's got an avocado pit stuck in it should see a doctor.

Yeah, insertables should always have a flared base.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 5:28 AM on August 1, 2013 [22 favorites]


"posted by MuffinMan"

Epornysterical!
posted by iamkimiam at 5:41 AM on August 1, 2013 [9 favorites]


"Swallow said load" . . . priceless. Also, only 30%? huh.
posted by theredpen at 5:45 AM on August 1, 2013


Fuudfetisha has been known to cause enlarged banana, soreness in melons, nightshade rash, avocado pit vagina...
posted by nowhere man at 5:46 AM on August 1, 2013


Whoever has a vagina that's got an avocado pit stuck in it should see a doctor.

Doctor, Doctor, I've put on a stone!
posted by MuffinMan at 5:48 AM on August 1, 2013 [4 favorites]


"wait ... that's actually quite a lot"

gold
posted by bl1nk at 5:51 AM on August 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


Not so difficult to remove an avocado pit, actually.

[add ouch tag, please]
posted by Namlit at 5:52 AM on August 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


I can't be the only one who watched this with barely a smile but then snorted loudly at the anal sex bit.
posted by Decani at 5:56 AM on August 1, 2013 [6 favorites]


I have always suggested a water-based lube but Nutella would at least clear up a lot of the concerns about seepage. On the downside, THAT'S HOW YOU GET ANTS.
posted by longbaugh at 6:19 AM on August 1, 2013 [15 favorites]


That was cute. Next can we have a video of food-porn food vs. real food? I would produce it but I still have a saucepot from last night that needs a good scrubbing. If you know what I mean...
posted by Cookiebastard at 6:28 AM on August 1, 2013 [4 favorites]


Eponybanana.

Ack. Beaten to it.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 6:40 AM on August 1, 2013


If your Nutella lasts more than four hours, you should seek medical attention.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 6:44 AM on August 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


Whoever has a vagina that's got an avocado pit stuck in it should see a doctor.

Now that you mention it...
posted by Yiggs at 7:02 AM on August 1, 2013


Cookiebastard: That was cute. Next can we have a video of food-porn food vs. real food?

This right here.. Epicurious needs an image filter that automatically degrades color and symmetry based on my prior cooking experience.
posted by hanoixan at 7:04 AM on August 1, 2013 [5 favorites]


Put the lime in the coconut...
posted by Hairy Lobster at 7:33 AM on August 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


longbaugh: "THAT'S HOW YOU GET ANTS."

ANTS IN YOUR PANTS!
posted by chavenet at 7:36 AM on August 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


Instead of nutella, why not a carombola? Make people work a bit to get the joke, you know?
posted by boo_radley at 8:38 AM on August 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


Namlit: Not so difficult to remove an avocado pit, actually.


Even easier if you use a knife that isn't so dull that cutting through a ripe avocado is an arduous task.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:00 AM on August 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


Ack. Beaten to it.

You must be among that 40%.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 9:00 AM on August 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


I suspect it might be common for straight people to fib a bit about whether or not they've ever had a banana in their nutella.
posted by MoxieProxy at 11:30 AM on August 1, 2013


I suspect it might be common for straight people to fib a bit about whether or not they've ever had a banana in their nutella.

My hypothesis is that you might achieve various levels of squishiness, depending on the temperature and ripeness of the banana.
posted by Silvertree at 11:51 AM on August 1, 2013


I suspect it might be common for straight people to fib a bit about whether or not they've ever had a banana in their nutella.

I would imagine there is as much fibbing on the plus side, "Dude! I totally stuck it in Stacy's butt last night, bro!" as there is on the negative, "Ew, I'm so sure, Craig is such an asshole, do you know what he asked me to do last night? Ew, like whatever!"
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 12:44 PM on August 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


Wait... so nearly 20% of women have been in a threesome? I'll have to mention that statistic to my girlfriend...
posted by Green Winnebago at 2:20 PM on August 1, 2013


Is it too obvious or redundant to look at all those figures and simply reply "yeah, lady. We KNOW. That's why we have porn in the first place!"
posted by ShutterBun at 4:01 PM on August 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


Fuudfetisha has been known to cause enlarged banana, soreness in melons, nightshade rash, avocado pit vagina...

Well that's it for Cheating Death, brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals, and their new product VAXAGRA, which lowers swelling when taken as a pain reliever, and increases swelling when taken as an aphrodisiac. Until next time, I'LL SEE YOU IN HEALTH!
posted by JHarris at 4:17 PM on August 1, 2013 [1 favorite]




Green Winnebago: "Wait... so nearly 20% of women have been in a threesome?"

I'm either old, or I'm excessively cynical about the difference between porn and real life, because a lot of those "only a mere X% have actually done blah blah blah" statistics made me think "wait, really, the percentage is actually that high?"
posted by Bugbread at 7:49 PM on August 1, 2013


In funny little educational videos about "real" sex versus porn sex, anal is described as akin to dipping a dick into poop. In real real sex, most people avoid squodging in and out of a poopy rectum.
posted by desuetude at 11:52 PM on August 1, 2013


In real real sex, most people avoid squodging in and out of a poopy rectum.

The former Senator from Pennsylvania would beg to differ.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 5:51 AM on August 2, 2013 [1 favorite]


desuetude: In funny little educational videos about "real" sex versus porn sex, anal is described as akin to dipping a dick into poop. In real real sex, most people avoid squodging in and out of a poopy rectum.
In real sex, most people haven't ever had anal sex before, and aren't exactly experts, so they tend to not know about good rectal hygiene beforehand. Also, it tends not to be planned so much as "she got talked into it" or "they were drunk".

Clean up first, people! Doubly true if there's going to be any salad tossing going on!
posted by IAmBroom at 12:30 PM on August 6, 2013 [1 favorite]


So, an interesting postscript: a few days after this FPP I was round at a friend's house. At one point in the evening they put this video on, and explained that their best mate - someone I've met several times over the years but only know through them - did the voiceover. Small world.
posted by MuffinMan at 6:15 AM on August 13, 2013


the top comment is hilarious: "Now I want the difference between real food and tv food explained with sex"
posted by tsuwal at 12:06 PM on August 19, 2013


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