The Souless Flesh-Eating Kea
August 17, 2013 9:53 AM Subscribe
A kea once bit my sister.
posted by ants at 10:03 AM on August 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by ants at 10:03 AM on August 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
Mynd you, kea bites kan be pretti nasti...
posted by Slothrup at 10:06 AM on August 17, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by Slothrup at 10:06 AM on August 17, 2013 [5 favorites]
I love these birds; in numbers they're like a flock of crows combined with a biker gang.
posted by jamjam at 10:09 AM on August 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by jamjam at 10:09 AM on August 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
What a great blog!
posted by LarryC at 10:10 AM on August 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by LarryC at 10:10 AM on August 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Authorized User: "Birds are cladocidal bastards who will not rest until all mammals latex enthusiasts are dead."
FTFY.
posted by Samizdata at 10:15 AM on August 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
FTFY.
posted by Samizdata at 10:15 AM on August 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
I, Kea...
posted by njohnson23 at 10:30 AM on August 17, 2013
posted by njohnson23 at 10:30 AM on August 17, 2013
I sense an Apple collaboration with a furniture chain that results in the end of civilisation.
posted by arcticseal at 10:40 AM on August 17, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by arcticseal at 10:40 AM on August 17, 2013 [8 favorites]
"I sense an Apple collaboration with a furniture chain that results in the end of civilisation."
We will defeat the angry birds with our easy-to-assemble flatpack furniture and impeckable hard plastic accessories!
*in Apple white for extra blinding power!
posted by iamkimiam at 10:48 AM on August 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
We will defeat the angry birds with our easy-to-assemble flatpack furniture and impeckable hard plastic accessories!
*in Apple white for extra blinding power!
posted by iamkimiam at 10:48 AM on August 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
This just reminded me how much I miss Fuck You, Penguin.
posted by martinX's bellbottoms at 11:07 AM on August 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by martinX's bellbottoms at 11:07 AM on August 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
We apologize for the comments above. Those responsible have been sacked. The rest of the comments have been orchestrated at great expense and at the last minute.
posted by Brak at 11:12 AM on August 17, 2013
posted by Brak at 11:12 AM on August 17, 2013
The dinosaurs did not become extinct-- they took to the air, and now they are waiting, hovering, swirling, now and again swooping down, testing the field for the day they can extract their due recompense form the cowering mammals and regain their supremacy.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:26 AM on August 17, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:26 AM on August 17, 2013 [6 favorites]
Well now we know which species of bird raptors evolved into....
posted by littlesq at 12:24 PM on August 17, 2013
posted by littlesq at 12:24 PM on August 17, 2013
So...how do they taste?
Seriously, let's remember who exactly is the apex predator, here.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:29 PM on August 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
Seriously, let's remember who exactly is the apex predator, here.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:29 PM on August 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
The dinosaurs did not become extinct-- they took to the air, and now they are waiting, hovering, swirling, now and again swooping down, testing the field for the day they can extract their due recompense form the cowering mammals and regain their supremacy.
And when they do so, they shall go BRAAAAAWK
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 12:48 PM on August 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
And when they do so, they shall go BRAAAAAWK
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 12:48 PM on August 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Anyone who has played Far Cry 3 knows about the Cassowary:
"A cassowary's three-toed feet have sharp claws. The second toe, the inner one in the medial position, sports a dagger-like claw that is 125 millimetres (5 in) long. This claw is particularly fearsome since cassowaries sometimes kick humans and animals with their enormously powerful legs (see Cassowary Attacks, below). Cassowaries can run up to 50 km/h (31 mph) through the dense forest. They can jump up to 1.5 metres (4.9 ft) and they are good swimmers, crossing wide rivers and swimming in the sea as well."
They would eat Keas like shish-kabobs.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 12:54 PM on August 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
"A cassowary's three-toed feet have sharp claws. The second toe, the inner one in the medial position, sports a dagger-like claw that is 125 millimetres (5 in) long. This claw is particularly fearsome since cassowaries sometimes kick humans and animals with their enormously powerful legs (see Cassowary Attacks, below). Cassowaries can run up to 50 km/h (31 mph) through the dense forest. They can jump up to 1.5 metres (4.9 ft) and they are good swimmers, crossing wide rivers and swimming in the sea as well."
They would eat Keas like shish-kabobs.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 12:54 PM on August 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh you say that KevinSkomvold. But think about this: New Zealand used to be home to the Haast Eagle, the largest eagle ever. It used to be home to the moa, flightless birds twice the height of a human.
They're both extinct. The kea is still around. Draw your own conclusions, and watch out for your softt underbelly, for the kea is waiting for you.
posted by Infinite Jest at 1:06 PM on August 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
They're both extinct. The kea is still around. Draw your own conclusions, and watch out for your softt underbelly, for the kea is waiting for you.
posted by Infinite Jest at 1:06 PM on August 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
A kea once bit my sister.
No realli!
posted by sarahmelah at 1:13 PM on August 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
No realli!
posted by sarahmelah at 1:13 PM on August 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Keas destroying a police car. David Attenborough Kea documentary: Part 1 (car destruction at 1:19), Part 2 (mp4 download), Part 3.
posted by christopherious at 1:35 PM on August 17, 2013 [11 favorites]
posted by christopherious at 1:35 PM on August 17, 2013 [11 favorites]
Keas aren't nearly as aggressive and destructive as the author wants you to think. They merely want to peck your shiny eyes out. Chewing on your boots/car/tendons is just the most convenient way to keep their beaks sharp for eye pecking. peck peck peck.
posted by Anoplura at 1:38 PM on August 17, 2013
posted by Anoplura at 1:38 PM on August 17, 2013
sarahmelah: "A kea once bit my sister.
No realli!"
Is this when I mention going to the SAT's with a parrot bite on the side of my neck?
posted by Samizdata at 1:57 PM on August 17, 2013
No realli!"
Is this when I mention going to the SAT's with a parrot bite on the side of my neck?
posted by Samizdata at 1:57 PM on August 17, 2013
I had always been told that cockroaches would be the last standing--the inheritors of the earth. After watching the David Attenborough Kea documentary I am not so sure. Gobsmacked or frighted--perhaps both.
posted by rmhsinc at 2:43 PM on August 17, 2013
posted by rmhsinc at 2:43 PM on August 17, 2013
Imagine a kea-roach then.
posted by TheLittlePrince at 3:17 PM on August 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by TheLittlePrince at 3:17 PM on August 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
Imagine a kea-roach then.
...stamping on a human face, forever.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:10 PM on August 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
...stamping on a human face, forever.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:10 PM on August 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
TheWhiteSkull: "...stamping on a human face,"
They might find biting or scurrying across the face a lot easier.
posted by TheLittlePrince at 6:10 PM on August 17, 2013
They might find biting or scurrying across the face a lot easier.
posted by TheLittlePrince at 6:10 PM on August 17, 2013
I was almost run over by a Kia once.
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:21 PM on August 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:21 PM on August 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
I saw one take on a helicopter once. The helicopter won, but it was a close run thing.
posted by lollusc at 7:31 PM on August 17, 2013
posted by lollusc at 7:31 PM on August 17, 2013
Poor much maligned keas :( They are gorgeous and playful birds, and they are just so intelligent that they are driven to explore and deconstruct their world. I once met a kea at the botanical gardens in Dunedin. It looked at me for a while then went sifting through the rocks on the floor of its enclosure. After a while it picked up a small rock in its beak, climbed up the inside of the cage so that it was at my eye level and poked its beak through the wire mesh. I didn't know what to do, so I just stood there. The kea just sat there too. We regarded each other for several minutes until I put my hand under its beak. The kea dropped the rock into my hand and then dropped to the floor of its enclosure, found a nice stick and repeated the entire process again, only this time it approached my friend to give her the stick. THE KEA GAVE US PRESENTS!!
All jokes aside, keas have been subject to the same kinds of prejudices that the wedge tailed eagle has been in Australia - leading them to be culled in horribly high numbers by farming communities. Which is ridiculous because these same farmers don't give a damn when their sheep lamb in cold weather leading to insanely high rates of lamb mortality. But if an eagle or a kea happens to feed on a few sheep, then all hell breaks loose.
How can you hate on a bird that plays in the snow???
posted by Alice Russel-Wallace at 7:40 PM on August 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
All jokes aside, keas have been subject to the same kinds of prejudices that the wedge tailed eagle has been in Australia - leading them to be culled in horribly high numbers by farming communities. Which is ridiculous because these same farmers don't give a damn when their sheep lamb in cold weather leading to insanely high rates of lamb mortality. But if an eagle or a kea happens to feed on a few sheep, then all hell breaks loose.
How can you hate on a bird that plays in the snow???
posted by Alice Russel-Wallace at 7:40 PM on August 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
In that David Attenborough Kea documentary posted by christopherious above, keas are chased off by a cat. Is MOAR KITTEH the solution to the kea menace?
posted by a humble nudibranch at 10:14 PM on August 17, 2013
posted by a humble nudibranch at 10:14 PM on August 17, 2013
About nine years ago I saw a couple of these funny looking parrots ripping the windshield wipers off cars and vans in the carpark of a ski slope. Mt Hutt I believe. Later on that day there was a blizzard and everyone had to leave the mountain. And some of those cars had to drive down that steep mountain in a blizzard with broken windshield wipers.
I often wonder how many car accidents those funny looking parrots caused that day, all those years ago.
posted by drugstorefrog at 10:24 PM on August 17, 2013
I often wonder how many car accidents those funny looking parrots caused that day, all those years ago.
posted by drugstorefrog at 10:24 PM on August 17, 2013
"it’s recently been confirmed that they can kill sheep."
I'm sure I'm not the only one thinking this. Here's some sheep. Have at 'em!
[Previously on MeFI]
posted by maupuia at 10:35 PM on August 17, 2013
I'm sure I'm not the only one thinking this. Here's some sheep. Have at 'em!
[Previously on MeFI]
posted by maupuia at 10:35 PM on August 17, 2013
Piranhas of the air.
posted by blue_beetle at 6:07 AM on August 18, 2013
posted by blue_beetle at 6:07 AM on August 18, 2013
It's surprising how the first response to a Kea destroying a car seems to be to watch with amusement.
posted by mecran01 at 6:45 AM on August 18, 2013
posted by mecran01 at 6:45 AM on August 18, 2013
"And while it’s true those statistics aren’t based on real data and that I just made them up, they are nonetheless startling."
FASTER KEA! KILL! KILL!
posted by artof.mulata at 10:24 AM on August 18, 2013
FASTER KEA! KILL! KILL!
posted by artof.mulata at 10:24 AM on August 18, 2013
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posted by Authorized User at 10:03 AM on August 17, 2013