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putting the "dude" in updo
August 21, 2013 11:55 AM   Subscribe

Guys With Fancy Lady Hair.
posted by changeling (153 comments total) 43 users marked this as a favorite

 
Yes to the baby's breath in dude's beard. Nice touch.
posted by phunniemee at 11:59 AM on August 21, 2013 [6 favorites]


I'm pretty sure that hippie wedding guy should wear his hair like that all the time.
posted by sparklemotion at 12:00 PM on August 21, 2013 [24 favorites]


Awesome!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:00 PM on August 21, 2013


One of the things I occasionally miss about having long hair was getting the wife to do it up in a french braid. Shit just felt elegant, like, hey there, MY HAIR'S GOT THIS SHIT HANDLED.
posted by cortex at 12:01 PM on August 21, 2013 [56 favorites]


Oh god, now I want fancy lady hair :-(
posted by Sokka shot first at 12:04 PM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]


damn you beautiful people and your fancy hair... i try something like this and suddenly people go surviving the game on my ass
posted by Foci for Analysis at 12:05 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


I love this much more than I expected to. Those gentlemen look awesome with their fancy ladylocks.
posted by Kitteh at 12:06 PM on August 21, 2013 [5 favorites]


I love how they worked beard flowers into the Hippie Wedding, but the one where I thought the style best suited the model was Mormon Prom.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:07 PM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]


Dudes with longhair? Why? There are plenty of ways to say to the world "I'm a kick ass bro and do not care for your societal conventions" without being uncomfortable the whole time. Holy shit, I cannot think a single way to voluntarily make your life worse/more inconvenient/uncomfortable than the male pony tail. Oh, and we are all kinda laughing at you behind your back. If not actually laughing slightly sniggering.
posted by Keith Talent at 12:08 PM on August 21, 2013


Also, I just cut my hair short, and now I want a long-haired man to play dressup with.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:08 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yes.
posted by boo_radley at 12:08 PM on August 21, 2013


Dude, cortex, I know what you mean. I used to wear a hair band with little clips so i could twist it around. I could totally rock the chaperone chic look. Looked bad ass. Most men with long hair look like layne staley after a long shift at the chocolate factory but on a good day I looked like a god.

Currently growing it back. Awww yeah.
posted by Teakettle at 12:08 PM on August 21, 2013 [5 favorites]


This is so neat.
posted by mintcake! at 12:09 PM on August 21, 2013


Damnit, this making me miss my luxurious shoulder length locks.
posted by The Whelk at 12:11 PM on August 21, 2013


Some of these are actually very well-suited to the men wearing them! I agree that it's ridiculous to spend all that time growing your hair out, only to hide it in a ponytail and never do anything fun with it.

I wanna see a dude with Daenerys hair
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:12 PM on August 21, 2013 [4 favorites]


Dudes with longhair? Why?

Because we like it? Ranty, unprompted opprobrium about a basic aesthetic choice is, I dunno.

I mean, shit, this is like Mad Libs for tedious people, just _____ with ______? and fill in the blanks and immediately be That Guy about any topic you can dream up.
posted by cortex at 12:12 PM on August 21, 2013 [56 favorites]


Oh, and we are all kinda laughing at you behind your back.

Yeah, well we're not gonna repair your amp. Nyaah.
posted by mintcake! at 12:12 PM on August 21, 2013 [64 favorites]


Oh, and we are all kinda laughing at you behind your back.

i'm not
posted by Greg Nog at 12:13 PM on August 21, 2013 [40 favorites]


Aw, my husband had the prettiest long hair. Much prettier than mine. He would have looked awesome in these.
posted by emjaybee at 12:13 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


Oh, and we are all kinda laughing at you behind your back. If not actually laughing slightly sniggering.

"We"? How many people are you, Keith?
posted by Sys Rq at 12:14 PM on August 21, 2013 [12 favorites]


I'm not at all sure I understand why or how a ponytail is supposed to be more inconvenient and physically uncomfortable when the person whose head it's on refers to themself as "he" instead of "she" either
posted by titus n. owl at 12:15 PM on August 21, 2013 [11 favorites]


Yeah, I think Hippie Wedding works really well; maybe it's got a faint Viking vibe. Whereas Sass Bun (sorry) looks like the fat girl nobody loves.
posted by Segundus at 12:16 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


Oh my God, the Sass Bun is completely wrong for that one dude's face shape! His updo is stacked right on top of his head, elongating his oval face and drawing attention to his forehead, when he should be emphasizing his beautiful eyes and cheekbones. He'd look so much better with the Junior Prom, which features a flattering side part and much less height. Don't these dudes know anything? Gahhhd.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:17 PM on August 21, 2013 [32 favorites]


i think Chaperone Chic looks really nice & Desperately Vintage isn't bad but i feel like the guy's facial hair didn't lend itself to that particular look
posted by titus n. owl at 12:18 PM on August 21, 2013



Dudes with longhair? Why? There are plenty of ways to say to the world "I'm a kick ass bro and do not care for your societal conventions" without being uncomfortable the whole time. Holy shit, I cannot think a single way to voluntarily make your life worse/more inconvenient/uncomfortable than the male pony tail. Oh, and we are all kinda laughing at you behind your back. If not actually laughing slightly sniggering.


Indeed we are not! We were just reflecting this morning how nice it was that long hair for men appears to be coming back into fashion, and wondering whether genderqueer/trans-masculine people could somehow work this look.

We do, however, sometimes find ourselves wondering about race and the dudes with long hair - men we have known who consistently wear long hair were either hippies (mostly white) or African-American men from a variety of hair subcultures including hippie, some of whom had braids and some dreds. We mean, if anyone has kept the long-hair-for-dudes thing alive through recent years, it's been guys with braids, and we've certainly seen some of them with what are basically updos and - as far as we can tell - no gender angst about it.
posted by Frowner at 12:18 PM on August 21, 2013 [8 favorites]


I'd like to see a Kouros style.
posted by Segundus at 12:18 PM on August 21, 2013


Dudes with longhair

You've reminded me of a guy that Mrs. Example knew and sort-of-but-not-really dated before she met me. He had an unfortunate combination of a flowing ponytail and severely receding hairline that gave the impression his hair was slowly sliding down the back of his head. He also apparently owned swords, and showed them to her the one time she went over to his place.

To me, he was forever afterward known as "Rogaine the Barbarian".
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 12:19 PM on August 21, 2013 [42 favorites]


Mad Martigan and Kai approve of this link.
posted by Slap*Happy at 12:19 PM on August 21, 2013 [4 favorites]


Maybe this is my ancient Scandinavian (aka "viking" heritage), but damn, a man wearing braids just does it for me. Hippy Wedding is definitely my favorite (although on second look, I think Brigitte Bardot is the most playful and surprising).
posted by muddgirl at 12:22 PM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]


Interesting. Mormon Prom seems remarkably similar to Young Mid-18th Century Samurai.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:24 PM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]


Oh my God, the Sass Bun is completely wrong for that one dude's face shape! His updo is stacked right on top of his head, elongating his oval face and drawing attention to his forehead, when he should be emphasizing his beautiful eyes and cheekbones. He'd look so much better with the Junior Prom, which features a flattering side part and much less height. Don't these dudes know anything? Gahhhd.

The "Sass Bun" [grah do not want to type horrible locution] also appears maybe to be damp styled? So it just looks kind of flat, and the little springy curly bits look like they'd be crunchy to the touch? I really can't think of anyone who looked good with that kind of hairstyle who wasn't a very small woman with a thin yet round-outline face and a tiny nose, and even that sort of woman looks good in spite of the hairstyle, not because of it.
posted by Frowner at 12:25 PM on August 21, 2013 [4 favorites]


I have long hair for the lack of maintenance. Put it in a pony-tail holder after a shower, trim it (myself) every couple of months, and that's about it. Never messed up in the wind, never have hat hair, never spend time or money at a barber.

Oh, and also because I'm a kick ass bro and do not care for your societal conventions.
posted by MrMoonPie at 12:25 PM on August 21, 2013 [5 favorites]


Interesting. Mormon Prom seems remarkably similar to Young Mid-18th Century Samurai.

If you've never actually been to a Mormon Prom, you don't know the half of it.
posted by The World Famous at 12:25 PM on August 21, 2013 [5 favorites]


Crap, I just cut my long hair really short like two weeks ago... this looks fun.

In the last couple of school years I sometimes planned with my (7- to 9-year-old) girl students (no boys have long hair at my school) to wear our hair in two braids, and they'd bring bows to put at the ends, and we'd pretend they had beards like mine and we were triplets/quads, whatever.

Yeah, feel free to laugh behind my back, I really don't care.

Now I have a super trendy short cut, and I look like the creepy old guy at a Justin Bieber concert, no joke. It is a lot easier to go swimming, though.
posted by Huck500 at 12:26 PM on August 21, 2013 [9 favorites]


The Mormon one is surprisingly cute.

(It's like summer camp all over again.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:27 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


Never had fancy lady hair, but I did used to let my little nieces play beauty shop with my long tresses. Oh how they giggled that time I forgot to remove the pink plastic barrettes before answering a knock at the door.
posted by Knappster at 12:33 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yeah, I'm a lady-type dude and I wear my shoulder-length hair in a ponytail or a clip most of the time. It's the lowest maintenance hairstyle there is: it's long enough that you can squeeze a few extra months in between cuts, and it takes twenty seconds and zero product to style. Does my hair look as good as it would with regular cuts and fifteen minutes in front of the mirror every morning with a blow dryer, round brush, and frizz serum? Nope. But all that sounds tedious, and therefore I skip it. So I'm willing to cut ponytailed guys some slack. I don't always like guy ponytails, but I understand why the guy-ponytail-owners would like them.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:41 PM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]


and we are all kinda laughing at you behind your back

nope. Behind your back, I'm probably checking out your ass.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:43 PM on August 21, 2013 [8 favorites]


Saw a number of dudes on tour back in the day unironically rocking variations on some of these. I imagine it's all about matching a style to your particular face shape, but that's not exactly in the lesson plan at Dick Manly's School of Gender Performance. I still sometimes wish I had the patience to grow my hair long enough to braid, but I don't have the patience/self esteem to survive that awful middle period.
posted by Lorin at 12:48 PM on August 21, 2013


Dudes with longhair? Why?

As a teenager, I had luxurious tresses that I only cut because with my shitty teenage hygiene habits, it was almost impossible to keep it from getting gross really quickly. Why did I keep it as long as I did? Well, back then, I'm 100% sure that hair scored me more dates than my winning personality ever did.
posted by griphus at 12:49 PM on August 21, 2013 [14 favorites]


Not a big fan of long hair in general, and long hair on guys in particular (although I've known a few who really rocked the look)*, but this does bring out how sad it is to grow that hair and just let it hang or pony-tail it!

* The guys who rock it, not unsurprisingly, are the guys who really take care of it.
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:52 PM on August 21, 2013


Also, my advice to dudes that had long hair and now do not and sort of miss it: grow an enormous beard. You'd think it is more uncomfortable in the summer than long hair and it totally isn't.
posted by griphus at 12:53 PM on August 21, 2013


Keith Talent: "There are plenty of ways to say to the world "I'm a kick ass bro and do not care for your societal conventions" without being uncomfortable the whole time"

Like having long hair in an updude. (air guitar solo)

fyi i am a bald.
posted by boo_radley at 12:54 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


I am legitimately jealous of the dude with Brigitte Bardot hair. He has some seriously luxurious locks, and they make him look like a rock star.
posted by yasaman at 12:55 PM on August 21, 2013 [4 favorites]


There was a time when I had very, very long hair - down to my waist. But that was, gah, 19 years ago. Now however, my daughter has arrived on the scene and she's inherited my hair texture. I've learned from her that our hair dreads VERY easily (brushing her hair is a brawl, twice a day). It's gotten me thinking about trying it again, but my wife says she'll make me sleep in the basement if I try to go down that path as part of my extended midlife crisis.
posted by 1adam12 at 12:55 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


I was always confused when I had my hair very long and people complained about how why did I bother having it long if I didn't wear it down. (Though as a non-dude, this probably had a skeevy component that I am trying not to think about.) Long means you can do fancy things! If you have short hair, you have no choice but to wear it down. I learned how to do five-stranded inside-out French braids and everything.

I like the Mother of the Bride one, though in the front view it just kind of looks like a vintage pompadour cut. Which would clearly look good on that dude. Viking Hippie guy is also excellent.
posted by little cow make small moo at 12:56 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


Griphus and I are apparantly hair twins, but I can't prove it because the only pic I have from that age is on Facebook :(
posted by muddgirl at 12:58 PM on August 21, 2013


To me, he was forever afterward known as "Rogaine the Barbarian".

There's a guy I see getting on the 4/5 in the morning who is balding but has a shellacked mullet. If the Kurgan from Highlander and Carl from ATHF donated their genes to the same botched experiment, and that experiment grew up in Staten Island, it would be a close approximation.

/"You get that thing smogged, ese?"
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 12:58 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


Griphus and I are apparantly hair twins, but I can't prove it because the only pic I have from that age is on Facebook :(

If you link directly the to JPG like I did, it should work. My Facebook is locked down cold, but I can still link to the images.
posted by griphus at 12:59 PM on August 21, 2013


I have never been able to grow long hair because my hair goes pipe-curly and sideways after a point and gives me Larry Fine hair, so I had to content myself with a sordid history of mullets instead, which had longness, but without the Larry Fine hair.

In my daydreams, I fantasized feverishly about having hair long enough that I could tie it up in two sideways pigtails like my shrill, obnoxious childhood idol in Pippi Långstrump På De Sju Haven, but ultimately, the best I could do was to buy a black hat, tuck most of my long curly mullet up into my hat, and bring two curly tendrils forward, over my ears, so I could pretend to have super sexy payot like a semitic pretty boy.

Ironically, in adulthood, I look like Pippi's dad, so I just aimed incorrectly. One of these days I'll grow the helmet-compatible crew cut out and have a pretty pretty up-do, probably in a sort of loose Anna Madrigal look. Hell, I might even just settle on Larry Fine hair.
posted by sonascope at 1:00 PM on August 21, 2013


I had shoulder-length-or-longer hair for years, and enjoyed when a friend would french-braid it or do it in lots of beaded braids. Fun hair is fun. Once my male-pattern-baldness really started kicking in in earnest, I just started shaving it all off every three or four weeks. I have always hated getting haircuts, so growing it out long or shaving it all off are the two easiest options for me to avoid the barber. I am extremely jealous of all these awesome hairstyles.
posted by Cookiebastard at 1:01 PM on August 21, 2013


Dudes with longhair? Why?

In my case as a twenty-something many years ago, it was, "I wonder what it would look like if..." I grew my hair out for two or three years and decided it wasn't really for me, so cut it back to the old length. I never did any fancy ladyhair thing, though; the closest I came was my final Hallowe'en with long hair, I had an excellent musketeer costume, with a sword and all. I put my hair in curlers that afternoon and turned up in costume with magnificent flowing golden tresses, looking much more Cavalier than my typical Roundhead.

Kinda had to go for the curls to make it work -- my hair was and is quite fine, and as a ponytail it had about the diameter of my little finger. Years later I knew a woman with fantastic thick waist-length hair, the ponytail whereof was as thick as my wrist. she eventually cut it back to jawline length (to make a wig for cancer patients) and said that her head actually felt perceptibly lighter. Envy.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 1:02 PM on August 21, 2013


Speaking of braiding, I never learned to do it for myself, so in my rat-tail phase, I used to approach strange women with braids in the mall and ask if they wouldn't mind braiding my tail.

Funnily enough, most of them said yes.
posted by sonascope at 1:04 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


Dudes with longhair? Why?

Why not? I mean, now that we're 4+ decades past the 1960s, how is that different than asking "Ladies with long hair, why?"

I wore my hair long for about twenty years. I spent the last four or five of those years feeling like it wasn't really me anymore, but I hemmed and hawed about getting regular old short haircut. Partly from inertia, partly because I had no idea what would look good on me, partly clinging to a link to my youth.

A job search finally pushed me over the edge, and now I can wear hats again!* Seven years later I think my hairline has receded just enough that I'd look too much like Bruce McCullough in the "He's Hip. He's Cool. He's 45" sketches if I tried to grow it out again. I know a couple of guys rocking salt and pepper shoulder length hair into their late 40s/early 50s though, and I'm a bit envious.

*Not hats-with-ponytailsist. I just never liked the way it looked on me.
posted by usonian at 1:25 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


These gentlemen all have the hair I was trying to grow in my high school and college years, and they've done it much better than I ever did.
posted by gladly at 1:28 PM on August 21, 2013


I've always had an inexplicable thing for men with fancy lady hair. The first time I saw SLC Punk and saw the guy with little pigtails... damn.

I love Chaperone Chic and Hippie Wedding.

Also, I am always confused about 1) why so many guys with long hair leave it looking all raggedy andy and 2) why guys think long hair is so difficult? As a woman who's had long hair as well as very very short pixie hair (which I didn't style at all), long hair is really not that difficult. I only wash it every 2-3 days, and the only "special" thing I do is using conditioner and brushing it, sometimes blow-drying so I don't walk around with wet hair. If men were more willing to wear braids and other hairstyles it probably wouldn't be so difficult to manage. (Bangs are the thing that's really difficult and most men don't get those... though they should, maybe.)

I also hate the idea that men putting effort like this into their appearance is unmanly and a pointless waste of time. To me that's just implying that style is for women and things women like are stupid and (somehow) evil. Men should rock the thick, lustrous warrior braid, and take some pride in their manly or non-manly style every once in awhile!

(Also, I know at least two men who blow-dry their hair, one who uses hairspray, and one who uses mousse-- this is more than I do on a typical day!)
posted by stoneandstar at 1:31 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


Also, my advice to dudes that had long hair and now do not and sort of miss it: grow an enormous beard.
Also: Moustache wax.
posted by usonian at 1:34 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


(actually wait what are the face-shape-flattering rules for dude haircuts? I can;t get away with looking like a boardwalk empire character for ever.)
posted by The Whelk at 1:35 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


I had long, luxurious straight hair as a teenager. My mother had very curly short hair. Her great joy was purchasing hair toys to make buns and French twists and torment me with them.

I was too self-serious then and have too short hair now to enjoy this. But for a moment ther I understood the majesty of dudes with lady hair.

Stay fabulous, guys.
posted by munchingzombie at 1:36 PM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]


This is awesome.
posted by odinsdream at 1:40 PM on August 21, 2013


To me, he was forever afterward known as "Rogaine the Barbarian".

Oh gawd I should just refrain from announcing anything about my gender on MeFi because I swear it's different every time I try to describe the stealthy little fucker, but — anyway, as someone whose future might plausibly involve long fancy hair, masculine pronouns and high levels of dihydrotestosterone, this shit frustrates me no end. I mean, not that you're a bad person for saying it, but just that it's where our beauty standards are at in the first place.

Seems like the emerging consensus is "Bald men are hot. Young non-bald men with long hair are at least a topic where reasonable people can disagree. Balding men with long hair are pathetic try-hards no matter what they do or how nicely they cut and style it."

Oh well. Hopefully if I don't transition I'll still have a few more years with it before I'm obligated to shave it all off and pretend the Dive Bar Bouncer look suits me.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 1:40 PM on August 21, 2013 [5 favorites]


I am seriously annoyed that these dudes have so much better long hair than I could ever grow.

Oh, and Brigitte Bardot dude is HOT.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 1:41 PM on August 21, 2013


how is that different than asking "Ladies with long hair, why?"

It's like asking, "Ladies with short hair, why???" which is totally a thing. The cultural "fact" is that longer hair is feminine and shorter hair is masculine.

why so many guys with long hair leave it looking all raggedy andy

IME, some guys with short hair leave it all raggedy andy, too. Maybe it's just more noticeable with longer hair. It's not like there's a manual for this stuff - I've been teaching myself "proper" feminine grooming at the age of 29 and it's not really that easy to just pick it up if you didn't learn it from friends/family as a kid.
posted by muddgirl at 1:41 PM on August 21, 2013


Also: Moustache wax.

For the love of god do you have some sort of guide on how to use that stuff? I defer to my barber on this matter and he doesn't want to trim my mustache over my lip because apparently you're supposed to sweep it to the side instead of trimming it like I always did. He's an Old Man barber so I figure he knows what he's talking about, but every time I try to use mustache wax I end up with a gross sticky mess.
posted by griphus at 1:42 PM on August 21, 2013


considered to be feminine/masculine, of course.
posted by muddgirl at 1:42 PM on August 21, 2013


Braids on dudes = HOT.

You will not disabuse me of this notion.
posted by BlueJae at 1:42 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


Also; fuck the idea that these aren't awesome styles for guys.
posted by odinsdream at 1:44 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


Why is long hair on dudes considered feminine? Most of the warriors in the olden days had long hair and fought each other head on, which is the manliest form of fighting. Sure as hell more manly than shooting guns at each other from a great distance or killing people with drone attacks.
posted by ChuckRamone at 1:44 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


why so many guys with long hair leave it looking all raggedy andy

As a guy with long hair let me tell you it can be quite difficult to try and actually get a nice cut. You have to go to an actual salon, and talk to someone who understands what you're asking, and even then you get the "are you SURE you want layers? Like a women's cut? That'll be more expensive. Are you sure?"

It's a big deal both practically and culturally.
posted by odinsdream at 1:46 PM on August 21, 2013 [6 favorites]


The only thing strange about it to me is that so many men grow out their hair without ever getting a cut that flatters their face (because this is viewed as feminine, of course). I think if men were free to experiment with their hair more, they would see how much hair can do to flatter a face. I sometimes wonder if there will be an increasing acceptance of hairstyles and makeup on men, because they're a lot of fun and I would love to play with them without always wondering if I'm oppressing myself.

Rules of long hair:
1) Wash it... WITH CONDITIONER. (This is so important if you don't want to snap a million hairs off and be a frizzy split end mess!) A really good high-end conditioner can work wonders, too, if you care that much. But just ANY conditioner will be a huge help in hair management, and it feels luxurious if you're not used to it. A cheap conditioner costs $3-5 and is just like an extra 3 minutes in the shower. (... of pampering.)
2) Bangs, layers, and face-framing layers are key to your hair not pulling your face down or making it look plain. I realize acceptance of these things for men is not quite there and it's probably hard to even get them, but if you can incorporate them in subtle, "manly" ways, they are fantastic. Check out Junior Prom before his hairstyle-- look how bouncy and full of movement it looks! Because it's not all the same length and has some texture, which is something that can be added to almost any quality of hair.)

These are just rules if you're genuinely curious. If you don't give a shit, do your thing.

I realize this sounds like a lot of work if you're not used to it, but as someone who grew up with it, it's easy as cake.

For the record, as a woman, I don't think balding + long hair always looks bad. (It can if it's not taken care of, but I don't think it looks bad by nature or the "midlife crisis" psychology of it.)




muddgirl, I get that, but the reason it looks that way on most men is literally because they don't use conditioner or brush it. I cannot even imagine how hard long hair is to manage without doing these two things. (Maybe they don't brush it because it's so hard to get a brush through un-conditioned hair.) Conditioner will have effects instantly, btw.


I don't mean just going too long without a cut (which everyone does) but just like the extra two seconds of doing what is needful. Like putting on chapstick if your lips are cracked. It might take a bit to figure out, but if long hair wasn't viewed as strictly feminine, maybe guys would be taught these things.

And I was definitely a late bloomer when it came to feminine grooming (I am 24 and just figured out complexions), but hey, we have the internet now.
posted by stoneandstar at 1:47 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


odinsdream, yeah, exactly. I feel bad for guys trying to rock the long hair!

Also it is okay if long hair is feminine... femininity is cool too. <3
posted by stoneandstar at 1:48 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


Wikipedia says:
Before World War One men generally had longer hair and beards. However, short hair on men has often been enforced as a mean of control, in police, military and other forces that require obedience and discipline. Slaves and defeated armies were often required to shave their heads. The trench warfare in 1914 to 1918 exposed men to flea and lice infestations, which prompted the order to cut short hair, establishing a norm that has persisted.
There's also a bit about the Roman Catholic Church thinking it proper that men have short hair and women have long hair, although it doesn't explain why.

I think long hair can be masculine or feminine, depending on the context. Same with short hair. But that's not the gender roles that our culture enforces anymore.
posted by muddgirl at 1:50 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


Also: Moustache wax.

For the love of god do you have some sort of guide on how to use that stuff?


You use Pinaud-Clubman wax and work a little teeny (you need very little) dab in while your mustache is wet, then comb it through and let it dry. People almost always use way, way too much and put it in dry, which is a recipe for a gummy mess.
posted by sonascope at 1:52 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yeah, I think the poor grooming thing is partly because nobody teaches us and partly because for some guys it's where the line gets drawn between "still acceptably masculine" and "way too queer."

To some extent, there's just a social stigma against guys acting like they care about their appearance at all or put effort into it at all. If you look good as a man it's supposed to come off like an accident. You don't get social credit for a fancy hair routine the same way you don't get social credit for dieting or moisturizing or talking about colors that match or whatever — you can do that stuff; but doing it too obviously, or talking about doing it, loses you points.

And for me at least it was sort of like meeting little kids who learned how to play the violin starting when they were four. Like, "Damn, I am never even going to catch up with the girls who spent hours on this together when they were in grade school, so why bother?" Learning to braid my hair properly was a huge huge epiphany for me — partly because looking nice feels nice, and partly because it taught me that I wasn't, like, permanently and irrevocably doomed to miss out on this stuff just because I'd been stuck on the boys' side of the playground as a kid. But I don't know if that's a piece of the equation for more gender-normative guys or whether that's just me.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 1:53 PM on August 21, 2013 [4 favorites]


It's not like there's a manual for this stuff

Totally. If you're growing an epic beard/moustache, many towns now have swank barbershops that cater to exactly that (not to mention an online culture of forums, video tutorials etc), but long hair on dudes is in this weird limbo of not quite being the purview of barbers or salons. Not that there aren't people out there capable of / expert at styling long hair on dudes, but it's a layer of complication to which "Fuck it, ponytail" is an understandable response.
posted by Lorin at 1:55 PM on August 21, 2013


Oh, and we are all kinda laughing at you behind your back.

My back is covered in hair too. Judge that Judy.
posted by srboisvert at 2:02 PM on August 21, 2013 [7 favorites]


Also, it's not just learning techniques ("how do I braid my hair?" "how do I use conditioner?"). There's also this huge knowledge base that women can access on which techniques they personally ought to use — i.e. which ones are going to be flattering to their particular features. And "flattering" in this context tends to mean "feminizing."

I think for men who aren't aiming for something androgynous or femme, it's probably pretty hard to replicate that. Like, if I want a haircut that will minimize the squareness of my jaw, I know where to look for that. But if I wanted a haircut that would make my jaw AS SQUARE AND RUGGED AS FUCKING POSSIBLE — and hey, there's plenty of longhaired dudes who would love that look — well, where would I go for advice?
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 2:06 PM on August 21, 2013 [4 favorites]


Seems like the emerging consensus is "Bald men are hot. Young non-bald men with long hair are at least a topic where reasonable people can disagree. Balding men with long hair are pathetic try-hards no matter what they do or how nicely they cut and style it."

Well, I am alone in thinking that some balding dudes with long hair look just fine. It depends a lot on the face shape, extent of baldness and nature of the hair involved - ie, a guy with thick curly hair, a relatively flat head and moderate amounts of baldness can look pretty good; a guy with thinning straight hair, an oval head with a very rounded top and a lot of baldness over the whole top of the head often looks a bit bizarre. I suspect that the whole "balding men with long hair, ew" situation evolved at least in part because a lot of the guys who do this also have stringy, greasy hair and a general level of social cluelessness and thus their balding/hair combination is going to be unflattering anyway.

I add that I know a fellow with long, thinning hair and some balding going on whose hair is actually...well, not stringy, but fine and thin....and while on technical points this whole look may be a bad idea, I actually find him really attractive. I think the whole thing really depends on the individual, their hair, their face shape and their general presence rather than on some kind of hard and fast rule.
posted by Frowner at 2:08 PM on August 21, 2013


Also, I think the relative "raggety-ness" of hair without products depends a lot on texture, and I know that sex-linked hormones (estrogen, testosterone, etc) definitely affect hair texture. I have pretty voluminous hair naturally, and I can generally just sort of finger-comb it into an acceptable shape - it's not exactly polished, but it's not raggedy. My friend has a completely different texture than me - thin and very flat. She has to style it every morning to be "presentable."

Personally, i don't think it's reasonable to expect anyone to spend lots of time making their hair non-raggedy if they don't want to, but that if men want to they certainly should be encouraged to do so, the way women are. But I accept that not going to win that fight.
posted by muddgirl at 2:09 PM on August 21, 2013


I loved e'ery one of these.

I wish they had some that worked well for dreads. Due to their thickness, I wouldn't be able to twist and tie my hair up into some of those configurations. But I love the spirit of the idea, and I feel inspired to experiment with doing something more with my hair other than wearing it either down or in a ponytail.
posted by lord_wolf at 2:11 PM on August 21, 2013


My partner had long hair until we started having babies and they pulled on it all the time. Now he buzzes his hair to the skull every couple of weeks. I miss his long hair. These pictures made me miss it even more.
posted by not that girl at 2:15 PM on August 21, 2013


For the love of god do you have some sort of guide on how to use that stuff? I defer to my barber on this matter and he doesn't want to trim my mustache over my lip because apparently you're supposed to sweep it to the side instead of trimming it like I always did. He's an Old Man barber so I figure he knows what he's talking about, but every time I try to use mustache wax I end up with a gross sticky mess.
I'm still getting the hang of it myself, but the two most valuable tips I got from a good friend and long-time handlebar enthusiast were:

And yeah, you want to grow your moustache longish over the lip and brush it to the sides, otherwise you'd have short hairs pointing down over your lip and long ends styled sideways, which would look odd.
posted by usonian at 2:22 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


The fear of cultivation is pretty deep for men, to the point that guys spend more time trying to create the illusion of non-cultivation than if they'd just stop being such babies about possibly being seen as sissies and coif properly. My li'l bro used to rag on my pretty hard about my mullets, back in the day, but he'd scruff around to get that perfect "I didn't do anything to it" hair while I'd just smack some L'Oreal Coloriffic in there, run a comb down the sides and be done.

The closest you can get to uncultivated hair is a buzz cut, because it's just a matter of putting the #2 comb on your shaver and bzz-bzz-bzz and you can do it yourself. It's not particularly elegant, but your hair looks the same before and after a helmet. Even shaving your head is more complicated, with multiple passes. If you're aiming for pure function, buzz it. Everything else is artifice, whether you're just shaping it a bit or going for one of Alfred Hitchcock's trademark complicated hairstyles for his heroines, and that's okay, too.

Long hair is tricky, though, and really comes down to if it works on your head. I've got a lovely friend who's a big moosey guy with a nice brushy mustache and he's on notice that if I ever find him drunk I'm going to cut off his goddamn stringy ponytail and give him a proper haircut.

"I like it this way, Joe. It's my Steven Seagal look," he says, and it takes all the patience I have not to slap him.

"George, no woman alive finds Steven Seagal sexy."

"Aww, c'mon."

I call on the women in the immediate vicinity for reinforcement.

"Ladies—is Steven Seagal sexy or the opposite of sexy?"

Noses wrinkle all around the room. I raise an eyebrow. My pal rolls his eyes.

"I'm just trying to Queer Eye you, dude," I add.

"I'm keeping it."

"Until I slip you a mickey, that is. Then it's buzz buzz buzz, baby boy."

And I could fairly be accused of being a dick here, but my friend is, under that awful, ridiculous, been-single-too-long-as-a-straight-guy hair mess, a handsome mature fella who might find himself a regular squeeze if he didn't look like a character from a sketch show.
posted by sonascope at 2:22 PM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]


There's also this huge knowledge base that women can access on which techniques they personally ought to use — i.e. which ones are going to be flattering to their particular features. And "flattering" in this context tends to mean "feminizing."

I was with you until this-- I learned everything I know about hair from Googling (and maybe the occasional women's magazine). Lots of girls do. They just feel more pressure to take an active role in researching and experimenting with this stuff. Once I got older and had more money I could ask fancy stylists, but I still don't personally know a lot about cutting hair. There's no special GirlNet with secret passcode.

And I'm not sure how exactly "flattering" means "feminizing"... I mean, it can mean things-traditionally-worn-by-women, but I think that the distinction (between masculine/feminine) loses a lot of meaning if it's just done well. I mean, these photos are "feminizing," but a lot of people think they just kick ass, so I'm not sure.

muddgirl, I have hair like your friend's-- I buy fancy conditioner and let it dry in a braid or bun and my textural problems are solved, but when I was younger I wore my hair pretty poofy and unstyled. I really am talking about things like conditioning and brushing which are just good hair maintenance. (They won't in themselves make your hair look fabulous, but they will keep it in good shape. Fewer snarls, less breakage.)
posted by stoneandstar at 2:24 PM on August 21, 2013


Long hair is tricky, though, and really comes down to if it works on your head. I've got a lovely friend who's a big moosey guy with a nice brushy mustache and he's on notice that if I ever find him drunk I'm going to cut off his goddamn stringy ponytail and give him a proper haircut.

But see, it's not his head, it's his probably lack-of-conditioner-and-brushing that keeps it nasty and stringy!
posted by stoneandstar at 2:26 PM on August 21, 2013


There's also a bit about the Roman Catholic Church thinking it proper that men have short hair and women have long hair, although it doesn't explain why.

It may have something to do with Paul:

1 Corinthians 11:
14 Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him,

15 but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For long hair is given to her as a covering.
(Note: I'm just quotin', not agreein'.)
posted by The World Famous at 2:27 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


George Custer back when he was still a General.
posted by bukvich at 2:27 PM on August 21, 2013


I've had long hair for fifteen years now, I think. I started growing it in high school and decided I liked it better that way. I've gotten random compliments from strangers on my hair and I think it looks rather good.

I'm rather low maintenance with my hair; it gets brushed every day or so and washed every other day. I stopped conditioning a while back and I don't notice much difference. I wear it in a tail when I'm driving my car since I don't like it getting tangled.

I've been meaning to get a trim but I need to find a local salon which will work with a six-four dude with waist-length hair.
posted by caphector at 2:28 PM on August 21, 2013


I will stress that I totally get the barriers for men in caring about their appearance, though. They definitely exist and I think it's a huge shame. But women don't naturally learn this stuff growing up, a lot of the time, they put COUNTLESS hours into reading and practicing it.

They do get more exposure to it and more opportunities to talk about it with friends. But man, the men and women who are REALLY good at hair and makeup, they fucking practice.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:30 PM on August 21, 2013


Keith Talent: and we are all kinda laughing at you behind your back

5_13_23_42_69_666: nope. Behind your back, I'm probably checking out your ass.

Hah, this was my experience from high school, when a few of my friends and I had long hair. I was a chlorine-bleached blond water polo player, and another of my friends had naturally blond hair. We were lazy, so we let it hang down, and didn't do much with it besides try to keep it from getting knotted, but we noticed dudes checking us out when they didn't see we were also dudes. Long hair + slender build = ladyperson.

I either never had long enough hair to make long hair look good on me, or I never found the right style. My hair gets wavy when it's long, and there are no pictures in which I look good with long hair. The only person who complimented me on my long hair was my mom, and I think she's a bit biased. My wife told me to never grow my hair out again, and I agree with her. But I applaud guys who have nice long hair.

And for guys whose long hair doesn't look nice, what does it matter to me? Rock your look, whatever it is. No one has the right to judge your looks. True, there are possibly things you can do to make your appearance more generically appealing, but that doesn't mean you should be criticized for your current appearance.
posted by filthy light thief at 2:30 PM on August 21, 2013


throw out the useless brush/comb thing that comes with it

I concur, though I find the toothbrush a bit shaggifying, myself. Don't laugh, but I use a flea comb intended for a dog, which works really well to distribute the wax and give the 'stache its initial shape. Then, I just use a little finger twist for any flourishes.

Dammit, now this is making me want to trim off my Belgian professorial pop star beard and go back to my happy mustache with the white danglies.
posted by sonascope at 2:32 PM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]


I learned everything I know about hair from Googling (and maybe the occasional women's magazine). Lots of girls do.

I think what Now There Are Two was trying to say is that there IS no google search results for "how to make long hair emphasize my features that are considered traditionally masculine." And absolutely women are taught how to make their hair emphasize their "best" features, where there best features aren't usually a strong chin and thick, broad forehead but rather "nice eyes" or "long neck."
If you have a square face, you'll want to play down your strong, angular jaw...Draw attention to your eyes and cheekbones...
True, there are possibly things you can do to make your appearance more generically appealing, but that doesn't mean you should be criticized for your current appearance.

Amen.
posted by muddgirl at 2:33 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


But see, it's not his head, it's his probably lack-of-conditioner-and-brushing that keeps it nasty and stringy!

It's a combination of the wrong head shape, the wrong coastline for the pullback, and then that it's thinning enough that it would show that desolate landscape of encroaching desert that alludes, horribly, to the era of the comb-over even if he took better care of it. Some people can pull it off, but some just look off no matter how much care goes into the process.
posted by sonascope at 2:38 PM on August 21, 2013


Keith Talent: Dudes with longhair? Why? There are plenty of ways to say to the world "I'm a kick ass bro and do not care for your societal conventions" without being uncomfortable the whole time. Holy shit, I cannot think a single way to voluntarily make your life worse/more inconvenient/uncomfortable than the male pony tail. Oh, and we are all kinda laughing at you behind your back. If not actually laughing slightly sniggering.
Are you ironically portraying a cartoon of sexual bigotry and snobbishness? Or an actual 17-year-old?
posted by IAmBroom at 2:39 PM on August 21, 2013


I was with you until this-- I learned everything I know about hair from Googling (and maybe the occasional women's magazine). Lots of girls do. They just feel more pressure to take an active role in researching and experimenting with this stuff. Once I got older and had more money I could ask fancy stylists, but I still don't personally know a lot about cutting hair. There's no special GirlNet with secret passcode.

Huh? No, that's what I mean. If your question is "How do I cut and style my long hair to make my face look softer / my chin look narrower / my jaw look less square / my neck look longer / whatever," you can find that on Google, or in any random women's magazine. No secret GirlNet password needed. No personal knowledge needed. It's all out there and available in print or on the web for you to look up.

Whereas if your question is "How do I cut and style my long hair to make my face look more rugged / my chin look stronger / my jaw look more angular / my neck look wider / whatever" — which is, I suspect, the sort of thing that many (but not all) of the more-traditionally-masculine long haired guys out there might be interested in — you can't find that on Google, or in any magazine I've ever seen. Either you figure it out all by yourself or you say "fuck it" and throw that shit in a ponytail.

Obviously this doesn't line up with sex or gender in a totally straightforward way. Some women are interested in looking butcher (though I understand that's really hard to find tips on too) and some men are interested in looking more feminine (hi!) and some people of whatever sex have beauty goals that are basically non-gendered. But still, it's way easier to find hair styling tips for gender-normative long-haired women than for gender-normative long-haired men.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 2:39 PM on August 21, 2013


But "nice eyes" and "long neck" deserve to be emphasized on men too? I do get what you mean, but this FPP is a great example of how girly things actually look really good on men too. They emphasize faces, and I don't think that's super gendered, based on the evidence there.

There ARE a lot of kind of arbitrary gendered words for aesthetics-- "softening," &c.-- but I don't think that they're actually powerfully masculine/feminine in their effects. Even if you are a man with a strong jaw, I don't know if specifically trying to emphasize your jaw would be the "masculine" beauty strategy. I mean, look at male superheroes in classic comics, especially ones based on myth or antiquity-- most of them have bobs, bangs, even sideswept bangs, their hair looks lustrous and wavy, &c. And those guys were like the pinnacle of masculine.

... also, I'm not trying to say people are ugly and gross for not making their hair beautiful, just that like, there are very specific and very commonplace things you can do to hair to keep it feeling healthier. I think of a brush and conditioner as basic toiletries, not "beauty products" in my arsenal. I know very few (in fact, no) women who forgo conditioner on their long hair-- this is actually one of the things that girls do grow up knowing that boys probably don't. If you are a man or woman and don't use conditioner by choice, it's fine-- but if you didn't know and wanted to, now you know. It's like if you brushed your teeth without toothpaste your whole life-- they would still stay clean and it would be fine to all appearances-- but toothpaste kind of makes the whole thing better IMO.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:51 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


...my Steven Seagal look...

Or as my sister-in-law called it, the nob knob.
posted by bonehead at 2:52 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


I always wondered what men would look like with some of the things women did to themselves, but the big one was makeup. At least I have hair-dos checked off...
posted by Kaiverus at 2:57 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


In other news I'm considering wearing a roguish toupee everywhere to make people uncomfortable and intrigued.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 3:02 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


Here is the super basic method for matching your hairstyle to your face: you figure out what parts of your head and neck look big/small/long/wide and make your hair in a shape that brings out the parts you like and de-emphasizes the parts you don't. The jawline, for example: cutting your hair to chin or ear length Prince Valiant-style will draw the eye to your jaw, having it longer with layers that end below the jaw will minimize it. Whether you want your jaw to look brawny or dainty is your call.

The catch is that we aren't really used to seeing styled long hair on men, outside of '80s bands, so long hairstyles in general read as feminine. (I'd like to see that change. I'd like men to be able to wear whatever hairstyle they want, or wear flowy pink blouses and glittery eyeliner to the office if they so desire, because playing with your look is fun.)
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:03 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


But "nice eyes" and "long neck" deserve to be emphasized on men too?

Yes, if they want to emphasize those features. But those things are (culturally) coded as "feminine," and some men and some women might want their long hair to be coded a different way, and we don't have any resources for that.

I don't know if specifically trying to emphasize your jaw would be the "masculine" beauty strategy

Yes, it is culturally considered more masculine to have a strong jaw.
posted by muddgirl at 3:08 PM on August 21, 2013


A couple of them struck me as kind of futuristic/space-y. Maybe sort of Fifth Element-y or Hunger Game-y? Or maybe they just gave me Kai flashbacks. Now there was a dude who could rock a fancy lady 'do.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:14 PM on August 21, 2013


As a woman I've never once looked up "how to make my face softer/chin narrower/neck longer/&c." I think these ways of thinking about hair (negative ways, ways that "de-emphasize") are often part of the consumerist culture we living in telling us we need to cover up or hide or pay for certain products or services to reduce our flaws. I also don't find them terribly effective. I have a long neck and a narrow face and no haircut I've ever had has fixed that giraffe neck problem. Sometimes I like my giraffe neck. Just making my hair look great has made me look overall more stylish, though. I'm just not a big fan of "if you're ____, you're not allowed to ____" beauty rules. (Most of the time I find them very false in determining what will or won't look attractive.)


muddgirl you are telling me the obvious-- of course it's considered more masculine to have a strong jaw, of course long hair is traditionally feminine in our culture, &c. &c. But just because we've called things "masculine" or "feminine" for a long time doesn't mean a feminine style looks bad on a man, or a masculine style looks bad on a woman, even in a traditional sense. A haircut that draws attention to a man's eyes does not always "look feminine" because "eyes" are "feminine." It's just not that straightforward. Beauty rules are not always 100% accurate equations to plug different variables into. I have a long face and I wear my hair in ways that are supposed to make my long face look "bad" and I get hair compliments all the time. Taking the rules as law leaves very little room for personal style, and mixing the masculine and the feminine doesn't always yield hard masculine! or soft feminine! Men can draw attention to their eyes and still have a strong, masculine jaw. Men get compliments on their beautiful eyes all the time-- lots of women love beautiful eyes on a man. If men want to wear sunglasses so no one thinks they're feminine that's their prerogative, but a masculine/feminine dichotomy has very little to do with actual taste in the world.
posted by stoneandstar at 3:17 PM on August 21, 2013


But "nice eyes" and "long neck" deserve to be emphasized on men too? I do get what you mean, but this FPP is a great example of how girly things actually look really good on men too. They emphasize faces, and I don't think that's super gendered, based on the evidence there.

The look in the FPP is gorgeous. I love it. Maybe someday I'll have the skills to do it myself. You do not need to convince me that this is an acceptable way for male-presenting people to do their hair. I am 100% on your side on that issue.

But most of the guys I know who do the scraggly ponytail thing? I don't think they are trying for (and failing at) this sort of elegant updo thing. It would be totally fine if they were. Hell, it would be wonderful if they were! But I get the impression that many of them are trying for (and failing at) some other look entirely — less Brigitte Bardot and more Russell Brand or Bob Marley or Prince Valiant (good call, Metroid Baby) or Braveheart or even Steven Segall or whatever. I'm not saying they shouldn't be trying to do Brigitte Bardot. I'm just saying I get the impression most of 'em aren't.

And since men aren't getting bombarded at the checkout counter with tips on perfecting their Prince Valiant look, we end up with a significant number of guys who would like to pull the look off but don't know how.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 3:19 PM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]


And also, I just Googled "how to emphasize a strong jaw" and got male-specific results from eHow (as you did) and an article on AskMen. The AskMen article specifically gives tips about facial hair, sunglasses, where to part your hair, and wearing colors that complement your eyes. There is way less advice for men than women, but the advice is extremely similar, barring facial hair. The aesthetics seem surprisingly general to me.
posted by stoneandstar at 3:20 PM on August 21, 2013


for a long time doesn't mean a feminine style looks bad on a man, or a masculine style looks bad on a woman

Now you're telling me the obvious :) I think we're talking past each other. I absolutely agree that culturally "feminine" things look great on men and women, and ditto with masculine things. But that doesn't mean that all men with long hair should want to look "feminine" or that all girls with short hair should want to look masculine. It's a whole big world out there and our "accepted" gender presentation tools aren't broad enough to accommodate that, which leaves a lot of men and women in the dust.

Now There Are Two is probably expressing it better than I am, but you two seem to be talking past each other as well.
posted by muddgirl at 3:23 PM on August 21, 2013


I'll try to be even clearer. Do you think that we do a good job giving men the tools to craft a masculine OR feminine gender presentation that includes having long hair?
posted by muddgirl at 3:24 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


Yeah, I get the feeling that we're all three of us in VIOLENT AGREEMENT on this, but one way or another I'm going to step away from the conversation for a bit because I think we're kind of going around in circles. May everyone receive the hair care advice of their dreams!
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 3:26 PM on August 21, 2013


Holy shit, talk about kicking a hornets nest full of long hair loving wasps. I find many of the responses to my initial post more telling about what long dude hair fans think about what they perceive others thinking about their hair than about anything I actually said.

"Dudes with longhair? Why? There are plenty of ways to say to the world "I'm a kick ass bro and do not care for your societal conventions" without being uncomfortable the whole time. Holy shit, I cannot think a single way to voluntarily make your life worse/more inconvenient/uncomfortable than the male pony tail. Oh, and we are all kinda laughing at you behind your back. If not actually laughing slightly sniggering."

I made the point (perhaps somewhat cryptically/ineptly) that long hair/pony tails would add a level of complexity to your day just to stick your finger in the eye of the man.

You shower? That shit stays wet forever. Or you can blow dry. That sound like a giant pain in the ass. When sleeping you are going to be covered in a blanket of hair. Like waking up with a mouthful of hair? Hell no, even if it's my own hair. Hope you never ride in a convertible, bicycle or go outside on a windy day, cause all that hair is going straight into your face.

These all sound terrible, and a terrible method for demonstrating to society how brave you are to bend norms at the sacrifice of your own convenience/comfort.

That and Dog The Bounty Hunter.
posted by Keith Talent at 3:30 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


I find many of the responses to my initial post more telling about what long dude hair fans think about what they perceive others thinking about their hair than about anything I actually said.

Nah, we're just reacting to what you actually did say, which was hells of assholish along with being crazy presumptuous.
posted by FatherDagon at 3:33 PM on August 21, 2013 [14 favorites]


We clearly are talking past each other, because I'm specifically saying that men can (and do! see: the colors complementing eyes advice, the hair-parting advice on AskMen) incorporate "feminine" beauty advice into their look and the result is actually very masculine. A man drawing attention to his eyes often makes them seem very piercing and sexy and there's nothing feminine about it. It's Cosmo beauty mag advice, but it works for everyone, playing on their natural features.

i.e., A man drawing attention away from his nose or jaw doesn't always read "feminine"-- it might just attenuate it slightly. There's room for modulation without jumping straight into another gender category.

What I'm trying to say is that men using feminine beauty advice doesn't always result in "drag," or a self-consciously "feminine gender presentation." It might just make them look better. And like masculine men, still, unless they push it further.

Drag is also fine (and great) of course, but I think you have to be pretty deliberate to get to that point, often. So no, we don't put great beauty advice in the hands of men-- but if we were to, I don't think it would be that different from that which we tell women. (The main thing I can think of is the jaw, which could be reverse engineered from the advice to women "not to get a chin-length bob or an angular cut because it articulates the jaw." So there are certain specifics which we could do a better job of pointing out to the men who care, but there is also a lot of overlap.)

I was never at any point trying to argue or be testy with anyone until my last comment, because I'm super confused about why people are taking my comments as fighty? I'm just giving my thoughts about how beauty advice is actually a more general category than a gendered one, which if people disagree is fine and interesting to me.


You shower? That shit stays wet forever. Or you can blow dry. That sound like a giant pain in the ass. When sleeping you are going to be covered in a blanket of hair. Like waking up with a mouthful of hair? Hell no, even if it's my own hair. Hope you never ride in a convertible, bicycle or go outside on a windy day, cause all that hair is going straight into your face.

Uh, this is insane. My hair is past my ribcage and it takes about an hour to dry. Blow drying takes 15 minutes. My hair does not feel like a blanket, and I never wake up with it in my mouth. I put it back in an elastic when I ride a bicycle, which takes three seconds. Or if I want to be fancy, I braid it, which takes fifteen.

You clearly have never had long hair?
posted by stoneandstar at 3:36 PM on August 21, 2013 [4 favorites]


Wow, one doesn't expect that caliber of vociferous doubling-down outside of a political or maybe Apple-related thread and yet here we are.
posted by griphus at 3:37 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


"Oh my god, you have a penis?? Good luck sitting down, you'll crush your balls! And when you get a boner, you'll put an eye out! Hope you never want to do jumping jacks without a jock strap! Good luck getting piss into the toilet! Oh, and have fun in jail for assault and battery with that rogue baseball bat swinging around in your pants!"

... that is how off the mark the long hair thing is.
posted by stoneandstar at 3:39 PM on August 21, 2013


For some maybe... but that penis sounds very familiar.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:42 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


Balding men with long hair are pathetic try-hards no matter what they do or how nicely they cut and style it

My husband has long hair and a receding hairline, and he is hotter than a star going nova. So there.
posted by KathrynT at 3:42 PM on August 21, 2013 [6 favorites]


But you gotta love your penis, right. Despite the trials and tribulations. That scamp!
posted by stoneandstar at 3:43 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


I made the point (perhaps somewhat cryptically/ineptly) that long hair/pony tails would add a level of complexity to your day just to stick your finger in the eye of the man.

You shower? That shit stays wet forever. Or you can blow dry. That sound like a giant pain in the ass.


I feel like you are writing to us from another decade and quite possibly another planet. Who on earth thinks long hair "stick(s) a finger in the eye of the man"? I mean, sure, in 1968, maybe. But now? And seriously, "that shit stays wet forever"? Huh? What is hair made of on your planet? The sole reason I wear my hair long is that I never have to think about it. I wore it short for about ten years or so and it just drove me mad: you have to think about hair that isn't buzz-cut short. You have to style it (unless you're blessed with curly locks that just naturally fall into shape as soon as you run your fingers through them). And, worst of all, you have to make appointments to see hairdressers and try to explain to them how you want the hair to look and then pay them ridiculous sums of money when they completely fail to do what you wanted etc. etc. etc.

Long hair is a snap. You get up, you shower, you wash it, you comb it, you put it in a ponytail and forget about it. Every so often you trim the ends--an operation that costs you nothing and takes ten seconds. Short of being bald it's the lowest fuss option available.
posted by yoink at 3:44 PM on August 21, 2013 [4 favorites]


stoneandstar — No, I didn't think you were trying to be fighty. I think we were having one of those weird total-agreement disagreements where one person goes "Okay sure x but also more importantly y" and the other person goes "Okay sure y but also more importantly x" and everyone ends up feeling supremely irritated without quite knowing what went wrong. I've just never found a good solution for that other than, like, "Right! Time to change the subject!"
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 3:45 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


I've just never found a good solution for that other than, like, "Right! Time to change the subject!"

Angry MetaTalk call-outs usually solve everything. Trust me; my long hair sticks it to the man, so I obviously know what I'm talking about.
posted by yoink at 3:47 PM on August 21, 2013 [8 favorites]


I miss my long hair. Male pattern baldness can kiss my ass.
posted by feckless at 3:50 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


ChuckRamone: "Why is long hair on dudes considered feminine? Most of the warriors in the olden days had long hair and fought each other head on, which is the manliest form of fighting. Sure as hell more manly than shooting guns at each other from a great distance or killing people with drone attacks."

The Athenians had serious hangups about about 'Spartan' long hair, which they considered feminine, rationalizing that as it needed considerable time in private to care for it and was done for vain purposes. These hangups, along with other ones about their crunk optimized drinking cups and flamboyantly fabulous red cloaks, only got worse when Spartans won more.
posted by Blasdelb at 4:19 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


I miss my long hair. Male pattern baldness can kiss my ass.

This. I mean, I like Mark Knopfler, but if I'm going to be like him, I'd rather it be my guitar playing than my hairline.
posted by The World Famous at 4:22 PM on August 21, 2013


I miss my long hair. Male pattern baldness can kiss my ass.

Me too.

You could always bring back the chonmage.
posted by no mind at 4:29 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


muddgirl: "There's also a bit about the Roman Catholic Church thinking it proper that men have short hair and women have long hair, although it doesn't explain why."

The thing they're missing is 1 Corinthians 11:1-16, where Paul gets all uncomfortably evo-psych.
posted by Blasdelb at 4:30 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


...and just while we're on the topic of learning about long hair late in life, you guys totally changed my life with my how-the-fuck-do-i-braid AskMe.
posted by odinsdream at 5:02 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


we noticed dudes checking us out

psst, filthy light thief, I'm a chick
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 5:05 PM on August 21, 2013


i think i love this thread
posted by fuzzypantalones at 5:13 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


also i wish that page had some how to's for those styles. i'm a bit jellis.
posted by fuzzypantalones at 5:17 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


Baby's Breath Beard totally nails it with the casual over the shoulder i-know-i-look-good look.

Many of the men in my family have long hair. My brother does is basically because he has to do absolutely nothing with his hair, including avoiding almost all haircuts.
posted by inertia at 5:56 PM on August 21, 2013


I love it! I've been known to do variations of Mormon prom and chaperone chic when I work on the farm to both keep the hair off of my neck and anchor my wide-brimmed hat.
My normal look is very close to the Bardot anyway.
posted by Tchad at 6:31 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


This is fantastic - if only my husband still had the long curly hair he had when we first met, I'd be trying to convince him to Brigitte Bardot it.
posted by fever-trees at 6:44 PM on August 21, 2013


I would just like to say that it is my conviction that longer hair and other flamboyant affectations of appearance are nothing more than the male's emergence from his drab camouflage into the gaudy plumage which is the birthright of his sex.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:56 PM on August 21, 2013 [12 favorites]


I've tried to grow my hair out many times but my wife is both a fully licensed barber AND a ninja so I never get very far along before the blades come out. Still, she lets me rock a beard and a style cut so all is not lost. Buy I still envy Ye Longhaired Ones from time to time.
posted by Doleful Creature at 6:56 PM on August 21, 2013


You shower? That shit stays wet forever. Or you can blow dry. That sound like a giant pain in the ass. When sleeping you are going to be covered in a blanket of hair. Like waking up with a mouthful of hair? Hell no, even if it's my own hair. Hope you never ride in a convertible, bicycle or go outside on a windy day, cause all that hair is going straight into your face.

These all sound terrible, and a terrible method for demonstrating to society how brave you are to bend norms at the sacrifice of your own convenience/comfort.


I am perhaps unqualified to address the above comment because I am not a Dude With Long Hair but instead a Chick With Long Hair, but my long hair hangs below the waistband on my pants (even the "low rise" kind that kids these days wear) so perhaps that is enough.

I do shower, usually every day. I only wash my hair every other or every third day because more often dries it and causes breakage. When I shower without washing my hair, it does not "stay wet forever" because it doesn't get wet. When I wash it, it stays wet (no blowdryer) for about two hours, or damp all day if I put it up in a braid.

I do not get "covered in a blanket of hair" when sleeping because I wear it in a loose braid so that it doesn't tangle while I'm asleep. It's pretty tidy when I get up in the mornings.

I also do not get "mouthfuls of hair" when I wake up or when I engage in any other activity, like, say, bending forward and bobbing my head up and down repeatedly with my mouth open, because I tend to keep my hair in a loose nape-of-the-neck braid when I'm doing things that might possibly cause me to have hair in my mouth. Also, I've found that nobody is stupid enough to demand that the hair be "down" instead of in the braid for sexyfuntimes more than once. Once is plenty. Enough iterations of "Ow, you're on my hair!" and they get on board with the braid.

Convertibles, bikes, and being "outside on a windy day" plus also riding my horses, running power tools like screwdrivers, lathes, bandsaws, etc... all fine if I put my hair up. I actually wear my hair down for stuff like dinners out on the town and dressy parties. For everyday wear, I tend to have it secured in a high ponytail braid (daytime) or a nape-of-the-neck ponytail braid (sleeping, sexyfuntimes) or in an updo of various styles (dress-up events where hair-down is not suited to the event or the outfit).

Putting my hair up into the basic ponytail braid, which to you may seem like a strategic undertaking along the lines of D-Day, takes approximately three minutes from "pick up the comb" to "all done and does not need thing one done to it for the entire rest of the day".

I get that long hair may not be for you, but it is not a terrible burden or a dreadful thing in my life. It is easy to manage and easy to make "look nice". I have not paid for a haircut since my friend got married twenty years ago and I was a bridesmaid and required to do the "bridesmaid hair stylist event' at my own expense. My friend trims it level every six months or so. Full disclosure: I had very, very short "pixie cut" hair from when I was quite small through my senior year of high school. It required absolutely nothing more than being washed and scuffed with a towel to get it "ready" for the day. I know what short hair is like and I have some grounds for comparing "short hair" to "long hair".
posted by which_chick at 7:09 PM on August 21, 2013 [4 favorites]


Don't worry, short-haired guys; we've got you covered. Once I made peace with the fact that my hair wasn't going to curl or wave or twist or swoop or do anything but point straight to the Earth's core, I got a couple of these things in a few different styles for special occasions, and they've worked really well. So when we have that MeFi UpDo party, you'll have no handy excuse.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:24 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


I would just like to say that it is my conviction that longer hair and other flamboyant affectations of appearance are nothing more than the male's emergence from his drab camouflage into the gaudy plumage which is the birthright of his sex.

There is a peculiar notion that elegant plumage and fine feathers are not proper for the male, when actually, that is the way things are in most species.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:19 PM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]


The World Famous: "This. I mean, I like Mark Knopfler, but if I'm going to be like him, I'd rather it be my guitar playing than my hairline."

Aim higher. If you're going bald, you can just think "Well, it worked out well for Patrick Stewart."
posted by schmod at 9:06 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


I am legitimately jealous of the dude with Brigitte Bardot hair. He has some seriously luxurious locks, and they make him look like a rock star.

For real.

His hair is fucking beautiful, and I'd cheerfully take him out back and mug him for his hair. I baby my thigh-length mop, and it still isn't as pretty as his.
posted by MissySedai at 9:16 PM on August 21, 2013


Long hair is a snap. You get up, you shower, you wash it, you comb it, you put it in a ponytail and forget about it. Every so often you trim the ends--an operation that costs you nothing and takes ten seconds.

Sing it, mah brotha.

I haven't seriously cut my hair since Younger Monster was born 17+ years ago. A trim here and there, once my stylist friend lopped about 9 inches off because it was just a hot mess (9 inches off of 3.25 feet isn't much, really), and I dye it deep violet every couple months.

That's it. Wash it, condition it, put it in a scrunchee or a clip or a bun with cute hair sticks, and I'm done.
posted by MissySedai at 9:32 PM on August 21, 2013


Hey, while we're all here talking about this, why don't we call some attention to the insane lack of information or inspiration out there targeted toward men with wavy/curly hair?
posted by oceanjesse at 9:39 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


I cannot think a single way to voluntarily make your life worse/more inconvenient/uncomfortable than the male pony tail

Uncomfortable?

Darn, I need to learn to be more subtle with my admiring gazes.
posted by yohko at 10:59 PM on August 21, 2013


"At the party, Rob Partridge said to me, 'You gave hope to other balding men.' My new epitaph: 'Co-wrote a couple of decent songs and went bald shamelessly.'" - Brian Eno, A Year with Swollen Appendices, p. 285
posted by larrybob at 11:33 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


The Brigitte Bardot do could also be called the Russell Brand. And I agree, it's damn hot.

Having said that I have to admit that my own long hair takes 5 or 6 hours to dry so I see the appeal of flopping it all off.
posted by fshgrl at 12:07 AM on August 22, 2013


How is it that "Mormon Prom" isn't the name of a band? Or at least an album?
posted by chavenet at 1:38 AM on August 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


So this is what the Fleet Foxes do between albums.
posted by pxe2000 at 3:33 AM on August 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


Even filthy biker trash* can be transformed with Magic Lady Hair Foamant, Cleanser and Smoothifier.

* He looks quite nice, actually.
posted by h00py at 5:10 AM on August 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


Hey, while we're all here talking about this, why don't we call some attention to the insane lack of information or inspiration out there targeted toward men with wavy/curly hair?

The great thing about curly hair is that usually, the less you to do it, the better it looks. Both of my little brothers have long hair, one has wavy, the other is curly and frizzy (we basically have the exact same hair, but his is longer than mine). So when they ask me for advice, I usually tell them to stop shampooing their hair so much, and use good conditioner. You don't even brush it!

Thick curly hair does take absolutely forever to dry, and I am lazy and have zero interest in learning to use a blowdryer + diffuser. So I bought a bonnet dryer, so now drying my hair takes absolutely no effort beyond hitting the on switch and sitting still. Even better, it's less frizzy than using a blowdryer, or even letting it air dry.
posted by inertia at 6:47 AM on August 22, 2013


You can buy a bonnet dryer for 50 bucks?!
How did I not know this?! I get something useful on MeFi every day.
posted by pointystick at 8:40 AM on August 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


I love long hair on men, I think it's sexy. (With the caveat of "must have enough hair to wear it thus.) I would like there to be more long-haired men in the world. I would like all the long-haired men to proudly wash and style their tresses.

And anyone who wants to claim that there is something intrinsically dumb or prissy or unmanageable about men wearing their hair long can blow me. That's a metaphor, because I'm a woman.
posted by desuetude at 2:54 PM on August 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


The fear of cultivation is pretty deep for men, to the point that guys spend more time trying to create the illusion of non-cultivation than if they'd just stop being such babies about possibly being seen as sissies and coif properly.
I totally get the inclination to be comfortable and low-maintenance, but it's really weird to me when guys turn it into a personal credo, like "I'm not going to [some event] if I can't wear jeans! That'll show 'em!"
posted by usonian at 7:58 AM on August 23, 2013


I cannot think a single way to voluntarily make your life worse/more inconvenient/uncomfortable than the male pony tail

I do have occasional discomfort with ponytails, It usually feels like one small section is being pulled in an unnatural way. After forming the ponytail, I go over the whole scalp with a small comb to make sure the grain's all going the same way.

I got a clue about this when my hair was growing back in after chemo. I've always known it was thick and heavy, but apparently it grows in little sections all over the head that point in all different directions, like the brush strokes in The Starry Night. It's only the weight of the hair when it grows to a certain length that makes it hang down in some semblance of unity.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:53 AM on August 23, 2013


like the brush strokes in The Starry Night

heh that's funny - my boyfriend's hair totally does this - even his beard grows in circles! I call it Van Gogh head.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:23 PM on August 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


i have a cowlick on the back right corner of my head, and all the hair grows outward in an ever-increasing spiral centered on that point, which becomes really apparent when i buzz the back and sides down. i call it uzumaki head
posted by titus n. owl at 6:22 PM on August 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


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