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January 24, 2014 11:15 AM   Subscribe

These editors decided to rewrite book titles to sound like clickbait. The results will astound you.
posted by divabat (169 comments total) 32 users marked this as a favorite

 
I just had an epiphany: clickbait is just the second (light-side) half of news programming commercial lead-ins.


Todd: "When we come back, a fifteen alarm fire engulfs warehouses in the downtown area..."

Marjorie: "...and what happens when a kitten named baby is abandoned in a vacant corner lot? The answer will surprise you."

posted by davejay at 11:22 AM on January 24 [14 favorites]


They made clickbait. That's something.

Ironic clickbait is still clickbait.
posted by laconic skeuomorph at 11:24 AM on January 24 [4 favorites]


I like the contrast between the two sites.

The Millions (first link) seem more like a satire of The Millions itself; it has that slightly awkward feel of smart people trying to be clever, rather than just smart people being clever.

Waterstones (second link) seems to understand the language of Buzzworthy and Upworthy better, and nails it.
posted by kanewai at 11:25 AM on January 24 [5 favorites]


Atlas Shrugged: Ever Wonder What All The Fuss Is About? The Answer Will Bore And Depress You!
posted by The Card Cheat at 11:25 AM on January 24 [47 favorites]


And I'm Bitch Fantastic! Good Morning, Miami!
posted by Rock Steady at 11:27 AM on January 24 [2 favorites]


One Weird Trick to Stop Having to Fly Bomber Missions!
posted by Curious Artificer at 11:31 AM on January 24 [67 favorites]


Why This Horrific Totalitarian Regime Is Just Like You Not Being Able To Pirate Whatever You Like
posted by Artw at 11:31 AM on January 24 [10 favorites]


The hell of it is that clickbait works.
posted by notyou at 11:32 AM on January 24


And that somehow, our entire internet economy is based on clicks and views which somehow translate to enough purchases to warrant companies basing their entire business models on online ads.
posted by Apocryphon at 11:34 AM on January 24 [6 favorites]


"Top 601674293400 Deaths In Game Of Thrones" is brilliant.
posted by andreaazure at 11:34 AM on January 24 [5 favorites]


Wait, Doiran Grey isn't Georgian, it's solidly Victorian! *Simpsons comic shop guy noise*
posted by The Whelk at 11:35 AM on January 24 [9 favorites]


This ex-naval captain's friendship with a dragon will warm your heart by Naomi Novik
posted by NoraReed at 11:35 AM on January 24 [9 favorites]


Has He Gone Too Far? Chameleon's Crazy Plastic Surgery Before and After [PICS]
posted by phunniemee at 11:37 AM on January 24 [5 favorites]


It Was The Best Of Times. You Won't Believe What Else It Was!
posted by uosuaq at 11:42 AM on January 24 [57 favorites]


First His Uncle Killed His Father, Then Married His Mother. What Happened Next Will Make Your Jaw Drop.

This Brahmin Prince Achieves Enlightenment Using Only a River And This One Weird Trick.
posted by codacorolla at 11:42 AM on January 24 [15 favorites]


And that somehow, our entire internet economy is based on clicks and views which somehow translate to enough purchases to warrant companies basing their entire business models on online ads.

Do they? Do they really?! Cause every single ad I see online when I have to peek from behind my ad blockers* looks SKETCHY AS FUCK. Does online advertising actually work and result in more products being bought OR is it just super easy to run a sketchy as fuck business with almost no expenses?

*Metafilter is an exception, as they are curated and opt-in for users.
posted by The Whelk at 11:43 AM on January 24 [1 favorite]


This One Weird Ring Can Stop Your Ominous Lidless Eye Problem
posted by oulipian at 11:43 AM on January 24 [12 favorites]


Learn the 65,000 weird facts about the entire world!
posted by rebent at 11:43 AM on January 24


The Percentage Of People Who Poop Will Astonish You
posted by uosuaq at 11:44 AM on January 24 [31 favorites]


The apparent sketchiness of those super-sketchy ads acts like a filter, The Whelk, which sorts unlikely leads, such as you, away from the sales team so you don't waste their time.
posted by notyou at 11:46 AM on January 24 [6 favorites]


davejay: I just had an epiphany: clickbait is just the second (light-side) half of news programming commercial lead-ins.

Yep, this and that, too. I swear my molecules vibrated when CNN's regularly scheduled Breaking News show teased a Very Important Story on tomorrow's Breaking News.
posted by maggieb at 11:47 AM on January 24 [1 favorite]


This ex-naval captain's friendship with a dragon will warm your heart by Naomi Novik

I like this one because you bolded the title, which made it stand out from the other fake clickbait book titles in this thread. It's the definitely clickbait choice.
posted by davejay at 11:47 AM on January 24


Your Head Will Explode Like A Red Balloon When You Hear What This Rabbit Says Goodnight To.
posted by mittens at 11:47 AM on January 24 [8 favorites]


Ironic clickbait is still clickbait.

Yeah. Between this and Headlines Against Humanity and about three other parodies of clickbaity, listicle-y titles in the last week ... I'm about ready to turn off the internet and go outside.

(Well, maybe if it stops being 6 degrees outside. Until then, there are books.)
posted by Foosnark at 11:48 AM on January 24 [6 favorites]


Does online advertising actually work and result in more products being bought

Yes

is it just super easy to run a sketchy as fuck business with almost no expenses?

Yes

The apparent sketchiness of those super-sketchy ads acts like a filter, The Whelk, which sorts unlikely leads, such as you, away from the sales team so you don't waste their time.

Yes
posted by davejay at 11:48 AM on January 24 [1 favorite]


Poor Richard's Lifehacks
posted by pibeandres at 11:49 AM on January 24 [17 favorites]


The Romans nailed him up to a giant letter "t." What happened next could change the world.
posted by Joey Michaels at 11:51 AM on January 24 [13 favorites]


3 Weird Plates You Have To Read Before You Die
posted by davejay at 11:51 AM on January 24 [4 favorites]


The Heartbreaking Story of Four Brothers and Their Abusive Father. On Page 400 Dmitri Breaks Off His Engagement, on Page 689 Ivan Renounces God, on Page 1,256 Alyosha Doubts his Faith, and You Won't Believe What Happesn on Page 2,876!
posted by codacorolla at 11:52 AM on January 24 [4 favorites]


Find out why this post is incomplete without the #litworthy hashtag.
posted by monospace at 11:52 AM on January 24 [2 favorites]


This browser plugin will blow your mind: Downworthy, a browser plugin to turn hyperbolic viral headlines into what they really mean.
posted by milquetoast at 11:52 AM on January 24 [12 favorites]


A little girl is murdered! Let's examine the family as they grieve while the little girl does voice over from heaven!
posted by angrycat at 11:54 AM on January 24


This Aging Conservative King is Unable to Accept his Daughter's Sexuality and Agency. If You Think That's Wrong Like I Do, Then Share This Folio.
posted by codacorolla at 11:56 AM on January 24 [4 favorites]


CLICK HERE to find out how many other readers acknowledge that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.
posted by uosuaq at 11:58 AM on January 24 [3 favorites]


These single men were in possession of good fortunes... You'll never believe what they were in want of!

This poor, disabled man just wanted to pet some rabbits. Your heart will break at what happens next...

The love of her life was murdered by pirates. Find out how one girl still got it exactly as she wished.
posted by Freon at 11:59 AM on January 24 [1 favorite]


When one mad scientist meddles in God's domain, the results will surprise you!

Harry Seldon invents the history of the future! Click to see what happens next!
posted by happyroach at 11:59 AM on January 24 [1 favorite]


"They Told Him White Whales Were Impossible to Hunt. That’s When He Went Literally Crazy."

Snerk.
posted by bonehead at 12:00 PM on January 24 [3 favorites]


This Family Man Just Wanted to Make a Life For His Wife and Sons. What the 1% Had To Say About That and The Heartbreaking Consequences.
posted by codacorolla at 12:00 PM on January 24 [1 favorite]


One Nazarene's 2 Strange Ideas That Summarize the Law of Moses
posted by Gymnopedist at 12:01 PM on January 24 [3 favorites]


10 simple tricks to get on Jehovah's good side...
posted by Freon at 12:02 PM on January 24 [7 favorites]


WATCH! You Thought You Knew How The Sausage Was Made? Welcome to The Jungle.
posted by codacorolla at 12:03 PM on January 24 [2 favorites]


What This Man Did To Get Home Will Astonish You!
posted by the man of twists and turns at 12:04 PM on January 24 [5 favorites]


Gilgamesh befriended this homeless man. What happened next was epic.
posted by uosuaq at 12:04 PM on January 24 [40 favorites]


And You Thought Your Period Was Bad: The Shocking Tale Of A Small-Town Prom Gone Wrong
posted by zombieflanders at 12:05 PM on January 24 [11 favorites]


See the One Weird Way in which this Unhappy Family Is Unhappy
posted by MidsizeBlowfish at 12:06 PM on January 24 [9 favorites]


Gilgamesh befriended this homeless man. What happened next was epic.

Best in the comment thread and indeed either article.
posted by jaduncan at 12:08 PM on January 24


Don't Make These Mistakes When Burying Your Mother!
posted by perhapses at 12:08 PM on January 24 [2 favorites]


What happened after this guy slept with his mother is eyepopping!
posted by jaduncan at 12:10 PM on January 24 [20 favorites]


What these disposable starship workers found out about their ship will shock you!
posted by NoraReed at 12:10 PM on January 24


On Page 3 You Will Be Asked to Make a Decision So Life-Altering, It May Haunt You Forever. (If you don't make the decision, turn to page 7.)
posted by mittens at 12:11 PM on January 24 [11 favorites]


A great screaming came across the sky. you'll never believe wha-
posted by Evstar at 12:12 PM on January 24


Judean mother discovers one weird trick to have a baby! Pharisees don't want you to know about it!
posted by ubiquity at 12:13 PM on January 24 [4 favorites]


He just wanted to get home from the Trojan War. This sailor's Epic Journey is one for the ages!
posted by Devils Rancher at 12:13 PM on January 24


Christmas for $1,000? How This Man Almost Did It!
posted by perhapses at 12:14 PM on January 24


French Man Captures Every Day of His Life in Fiction: Check Out the 7 Volume Supercut!
posted by Beardman at 12:15 PM on January 24 [2 favorites]


This Broke Student Robbed and Axe-Murdered a Pawn-Broker. What Happens When He Meets a Shy Prostitute Will Restore Your Faith in Humanity.

Maybe.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:15 PM on January 24 [2 favorites]


His cheating wife came back, but The Consul was so drunk he thought she was an illusion!
posted by Devils Rancher at 12:16 PM on January 24


A prostitute stole a shriveled, old potato from this man's pocket. What happens next will blow your mind.
posted by drlith at 12:16 PM on January 24


riverrun, past Eve and Adam's. You literally won't understand what happens next!
posted by uosuaq at 12:18 PM on January 24 [13 favorites]


Will the rifle on the wall be fired before the third Act? Click here to find out!
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:19 PM on January 24 [2 favorites]


Proven Ideas for Starting Your Own Church and Getting Followers, plus Mistakes to Watch Out For!
posted by perhapses at 12:19 PM on January 24 [1 favorite]


What happened after these Tributes found poison berries will astonish you!

Theme for the 75th Hunger Games exclusively revealed!

13 hottest revolutionaries of District 13!
posted by NoraReed at 12:20 PM on January 24 [1 favorite]


Page 40 Will Completely Change the Way You Think About Green Eggs and Ham
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:22 PM on January 24 [3 favorites]


Find out what dark secrets the covered bridges in this one weird county hold!
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:22 PM on January 24


And that somehow, our entire internet economy is based on clicks and views which somehow translate to enough purchases to warrant companies basing their entire business models on online ads.

The one really weird trick is that it doesn't warrant that: except for the very large or the very niche, purely ad-supported websites don't make nearly enough revenue on their own to survive. They're all skating by mostly on VC money, hoping they can get big enough fast enough to be one of the handful of survivors once the VC people wise up.

I'm really hoping this is just a weird transitional period for the web, after which we can all go back to just reading each others' blogs.
posted by ook at 12:23 PM on January 24 [5 favorites]


The Bishop of Digne had 24,601 Reasons Not To Help the Unemployed Convict Stealing His Candlesticks. What Happens Next Is Epic.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:24 PM on January 24 [8 favorites]


This leprous author didn't believe in the reality of the Land! What he clenches next will astound you.
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:28 PM on January 24


The Consequences Of This Russian Civil Servant's Infidelity Will Change The Way You Think About Trains Forever.
posted by jcreigh at 12:28 PM on January 24 [5 favorites]


leviathan vengeance by herman melville
i saw, i wanked, i came by philip roth
fangs ripped her virginal flesh by bram stoker
underage hottie wreaks havoc by vladimir nabokov

i'm sorry, i have to go fishing now in this beautiful weather.
posted by bruce at 12:29 PM on January 24


Little Oskar stopped growing at 4, but his big, big voice will shock you!

Also:

Two friends divided by war: Can mechanical scarecrows re-unite them?
posted by Devils Rancher at 12:29 PM on January 24


These siblings were locked in an attic and given poisoned doughnuts. You won't believe what happened next.
posted by jeather at 12:30 PM on January 24 [1 favorite]


Waterstones (second link) seems to understand the language of Buzzworthy and Upworthy better, and nails it.

Of course Jonathan O'Brien nails it: he's @Waterstones Oxford Street.
posted by ambrosen at 12:39 PM on January 24 [1 favorite]


You Won't BELIEVE What This Traveling Salesman Turns Into, And You'll Be Shocked At How His Family Treats Him.
posted by jcreigh at 12:40 PM on January 24 [1 favorite]


No boyfriend? Discover how one girl found the undead put the spark in sparkles!
posted by maxwelton at 12:41 PM on January 24


What's the secret behind the government-mandated speed-walking marathons and how do they negatively impact your children's health? The answer may blow their mind.
posted by Redfield at 12:44 PM on January 24 [1 favorite]


This isn't new.
posted by Mblue at 12:46 PM on January 24


She thought the tornado was the worst part of her day. See why this lost Kansas girl then murdered two women.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 1:02 PM on January 24 [17 favorites]


It's funny how the art of clickbaiting has turned into this strange rote hybrid of checkout-stand tabloid with concise headline-writing. I wonder - is this a phase? What will clickbait read like in 18 months? Will these late 2013/early 2014 viral bullshit headlines be distinctively of our time? Or is this some new hell that we're doomed to slog through every time we browse or log-in to social networks?
posted by faceattack at 1:05 PM on January 24 [2 favorites]


This boy's older sister sent him to play at a big mansion. What happened next will shock you.


How did one family's legal bills become bigger than their entire estate? The answer will amaze you!


This German discovered a neat trick for turning labor into money. Now you can too!


This lamb opened seven different seals. Come and see what happened next- it will literally astound you!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:05 PM on January 24 [3 favorites]


I have to come up with clickable headlines for work these days. It's pretty demoralizing.

Also demoralizing? The fact that the headlines in The Millions' post wouldn't work because they're just too informative.

"Watch This Kid Burst Into Tears When He's Refused Some More Porridge"
should be something more like
"This Outrageous Orphanage Refused to Feed a Child. Watch What Happened Next."

"They Told Him White Whales Were Impossible to Hunt. That's When He Went Literally Crazy."
becomes
"They Told Him White Whales Were Impossible to Hunt. You Won't Believe What He Did Next."

I hate everything.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 1:08 PM on January 24 [18 favorites]


This Woman Pretended to be Blind and Caught Her Husband Cheating!
posted by perhapses at 1:11 PM on January 24


You won't believe where this link goes!
posted by 3FLryan at 1:17 PM on January 24 [3 favorites]


I hate everything.

Now you can too with this one weird trick!
posted by davejay at 1:17 PM on January 24 [3 favorites]


You Won't Believe What This Bald Chick Got Her Husband For Christmas!
posted by coppermoss at 1:19 PM on January 24 [10 favorites]


I wonder - is this a phase? What will clickbait read like in 18 months? Will these late 2013/early 2014 viral bullshit headlines be distinctively of our time? Or is this some new hell that we're doomed to slog through every time we browse or log-in to social networks?

For the answer click h- oh hell you know the drill
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:20 PM on January 24


You won't believe the real identity of Richard St. Vier's sexy gay scholar!

10 scandalous things the Comtesse of Montreve does in bed... and the secrets she found out after!

One weird trick to getting a fairy's ransom the Lower Elements Police doesn't want you to know about! Discovered by a teenager!
posted by NoraReed at 1:21 PM on January 24


I fookin love dis!!
posted by Mister_A at 1:22 PM on January 24


I'm referring to the Waterstones piece of course.
posted by Mister_A at 1:24 PM on January 24


God told this father to bring his son up a mountain. What he did next will shock you!

This king saw his neighbor's wife bathing on her roof. You won't believe what happened next!

Her family was told to leave the city and not look back. Find out what happened when she didn't listen!

This mother put her baby in a basket in the river. Where he ended up next will amaze you!

Find out why it took one man from Ithaca over ten years to get home!

You won't believe what happened after this herdsman was asked to judge a beauty contest!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:24 PM on January 24 [1 favorite]


What happens when a body catch a body comin' through the rye? The answer will fucking smack the shit out of you!
posted by Mister_A at 1:26 PM on January 24 [3 favorites]


Local housewife hated her wallpaper, find out her one weird trick for redecorating!
posted by kyleg at 1:28 PM on January 24 [3 favorites]


They Never Gave "a" Inch: How a Grammatical Mistake Cost This Family Their Livelihood.
posted by perhapses at 1:29 PM on January 24


Stop. No, really, stop.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 1:32 PM on January 24 [2 favorites]


What happens when a body catch a body comin' through the rye? The answer will fucking smack the shit out of you!

Ooo, I see a potential offshoot trend: unreasonably escalating the promise behind the link.

This one weird trick will make your head explode with the force of a thousand suns!
posted by davejay at 1:33 PM on January 24 [2 favorites]


Tone Your Arms and Impress Others with One Book, Reading Optional.
posted by perhapses at 1:34 PM on January 24


This exterminator discovered a new use for his bug powder- find out what it was, and how it could change your life!


This writer and his wife had an amazing party trick, now he lives in Tangiers. You'll be shocked when you learn what happened!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:34 PM on January 24 [2 favorites]


Never stop. No, really, never stop.

Turn Dissent Into Agreement With This 1 Weird Trick!
posted by davejay at 1:36 PM on January 24 [2 favorites]


I kind of want to take all these suggestions and put them in a spreadsheet so that people can guess which books they are and maybe even buy them.

Hell some of them make the books sound actually pretty appealing!
posted by divabat at 1:39 PM on January 24


Language Professors Hate Him! Researcher Discovers What Dolphins Were Saying Before They All Disappeared!
posted by TedW at 1:40 PM on January 24 [10 favorites]


One Weird Trick to Fit a Large Item into a Furnace!
posted by perhapses at 1:45 PM on January 24


You won't believe this one weird trick for telling an replicant form a human!
posted by Gygesringtone at 1:48 PM on January 24 [2 favorites]


Gygesringtone is clearly 'an replicant'. HELP THE FUCKING TORTOISE, DUDE
posted by Mister_A at 1:49 PM on January 24 [2 favorites]


The profitable use for never used baby shoes they don't want you to see!
posted by tilde at 1:54 PM on January 24 [6 favorites]


One traag teaches her om to talk, you won't believe what happens next!
posted by Gygesringtone at 1:56 PM on January 24


This man couldn't stop thinking about his childhood sweetheart. What he did next will shock you!

Four friends spend four months in a remote castle. You won't believe what they did there! No, really. You won't.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 2:03 PM on January 24 [1 favorite]


Trapped by a king's death sentence, see how this girl saves her own life - 1001 times!
posted by dywypi at 2:03 PM on January 24 [5 favorites]


Trapped by a king's death sentence, see how this girl saves her own life - 1001 times!

"Good night, Scheherazade. Good story. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning."
posted by Foosnark at 2:06 PM on January 24 [8 favorites]


This one in particular made me LLOL (the first 'L' stands for 'literally'):

Here’s One Weird Trick To Get Out of Paying Your Rent Forever
by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
posted by Ratio at 2:07 PM on January 24 [1 favorite]


You Won't Understand How This Irishman Spends His Day!
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 2:09 PM on January 24 [19 favorites]


A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
posted by Ratio at 2:13 PM on January 24 [20 favorites]


This Crazy Alien Artifact Represents a Problem From Outside of Your Context, You Won't Believe What It Decides To Call Itself!
posted by Artw at 2:15 PM on January 24 [3 favorites]


OK, I went ahead and made the spreadsheet. Only got as far as Freon's comment, since I have to go in a few minutes, but feel free to add and update at will.
posted by divabat at 2:15 PM on January 24 [3 favorites]


"This crazy Austrian and his weird political views just might end the Great Depression"
posted by Renoroc at 2:17 PM on January 24 [1 favorite]


A Man Rings a Bell and Becomes a Bat, the Events of the Next Year Have Criminals in Fear.
posted by Artw at 2:22 PM on January 24


Thanks for creating the spreadsheet, divabat. I've added my clickbaits.
posted by perhapses at 2:23 PM on January 24


Twelves Steps To Take If you Were A Psychic Kid That Grew Up In A Hotel That Was Blown Up By A Furnace, and Had Crazy Topiary Monsters and the Chef Was Definetly Not Killed By Your Dad With A Roque Mallet, Not An Axe.
posted by Artw at 2:39 PM on January 24 [3 favorites]


Quiet Midwestern academic cheats on wife. You'll never guess who with!
posted by elmono at 2:49 PM on January 24 [2 favorites]


This high school chemistry teacher made millions in his spare time, and you can too!
posted by HillbillyInBC at 2:54 PM on January 24 [2 favorites]


This young man walked unprepared into the woods of Alaska. What happened next will either inspire or disgust you.
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:58 PM on January 24 [3 favorites]


How This Victim of Bullying Overcame Adversity and Taught Himself to Read
posted by perhapses at 3:02 PM on January 24


I guess I'm not the target for either click-bait articles or dodgy pop-up ads, because I usually can't understand them at all. I'm not sure if it's al the capitals, the shouty tone or what, but it's certainly not because I'm too smart to fall for their ploys. They just do to make any sense to me for some reason.
posted by dg at 3:14 PM on January 24


Late Twenties to Middle Aged Man Living a Very Average Japanese Lifestyle Eats a Variety of Things and Has Some of His Problems Solved By Sleeping With Women. You'll Never Believe Which Murakami Book I'm Actually Talking About.

Thought it Was Cool Living in a Howling Post-Modern Void? What Don Delillo Has To Say About the Matter Will Cause You Stand On Your Chair and Hoot Loudly.
posted by codacorolla at 3:14 PM on January 24


Can you buy a stairway to heaven? This lady knows!
posted by Joey Michaels at 3:17 PM on January 24


You won't believe what happens after one man smells a lemon cookie...
posted by ennui.bz at 3:31 PM on January 24 [1 favorite]


This Shocking Story of Juvenile Delinquency Will Infuriate You — And Make You Sympathize With the Offender

This Father and Son Tried to Survive the Apocalypse. I Read Their Story, and Now I Literally Can't Stop Crying.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 3:38 PM on January 24


This Magic Plot Spider Won't Solve Every Problem You Face In Your Baroque Fantasy City.
posted by Artw at 3:47 PM on January 24


They Told This Guy That He Couldn't Simply Walk Into Mordor. What He Did Next Will Inspire You.
posted by jcreigh at 3:50 PM on January 24 [8 favorites]


You Won't Believe How Much Extra Room One Family Found In Their New House
posted by ckape at 4:01 PM on January 24 [8 favorites]


This spaceship ignored his distress signal and left him for dead. What he did next will shock you!


The government hates him! Find out what one policeman discovered really goes into your favorite processed food.


He thought he was joining the army for a year- learn the physics trick that let him live for centuries!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:20 PM on January 24 [4 favorites]


Tortured By A Twisted Government, This Sad Droog Can No Longer Enjoy His Favorite Hobby: Ultraviolence
posted by oulipian at 4:25 PM on January 24 [1 favorite]


You won't believe these four shocking facts about the Chairmaker!

Two ships two and a half thousand years apart found the same weird object in space. What it did next will astonish you and your steering committee!

Just how much suffering can one elephant take? These shadowy figures reincarnated her several times to find out!

Six reasons this upstart Culture game player won't make it to the second round. And one reason why he might...
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 4:27 PM on January 24 [3 favorites]


You Really Won't Believe What God Did After Creating Everything. Or Will You?
posted by swift at 4:28 PM on January 24 [1 favorite]


This insect's triumph over an eating disorder will leave you in tears.
posted by drlith at 4:42 PM on January 24 [4 favorites]


42 Simple Answers To The Meaning of Life
posted by ShutterBun at 4:45 PM on January 24 [3 favorites]


Ooo, I see a potential offshoot trend: unreasonably escalating the promise behind the link.

These Six Newborn Corgis Cannot Even Handle What This Student Did to Catch the Conscience of a King!
posted by mittens at 4:50 PM on January 24 [1 favorite]


He was sent on a mission to find the kidney of darkness. What he actually found...[click for more]
posted by uosuaq at 5:15 PM on January 24 [2 favorites]


What about creepy-pasta delivered through Upworthy headlines?

Day 1: Ever Wondered What Was At the Bottom of the Ocean? What This Team of Graduate Students Found is Totally Amazeballs!

Day 2: At 1:35 You Will Question Your Place in the Universe, at 2:40 You Will Agree That There is No Sane Hand Guiding Our Fate, and You'll Have to See 3:58 to Believe it.

Day 3: They Said That a Protoplasmic Intergalactic Horror Couldn't Enslave Humanity as A Foodstock. What This Brave Cultist Says at 2:09 Shuts Them Up For Good. Share if You Hail The Black Goat of the Woods.
posted by codacorolla at 5:46 PM on January 24 [12 favorites]


How Did One Small Group Of Wheelchair-bound Quebecois Terrorists Literally Paralyse People With Joy? Don't Find Out On Page 1,023!

Catholics Hate Him! Learn How This One Distinguished And Renowned Professor Uncovered The Secret Code They Didn't Want You To Know About!
posted by Len at 6:41 PM on January 24 [2 favorites]


The responses to this post are even so much better than the original post. MeFi: Ya gotta love it!
posted by Seekerofsplendor at 6:54 PM on January 24


All caught up on the spreadsheet now!

If this becomes a section of another King William's College quiz this year we're all set.
posted by divabat at 8:00 PM on January 24


You haven't seen MetaFilter until you see what happens when they Filtered the Meta here!
posted by tilde at 8:25 PM on January 24


He Had a Giant Genetically Modified Squid, Millions of Dollars and a Dream. What he Did 35 Minutes Ago Will Change How You Think About the World.
posted by codacorolla at 8:46 PM on January 24 [5 favorites]


His wife tried to sell his kids to the porn industry! But how he saved them & found a new life by the sea will warm your heart!
posted by Devils Rancher at 9:55 PM on January 24


All of New Orleans thought he was insane! But see how his knowledge of the ancient Greek's finest literature aided his harrowing escape!
posted by Devils Rancher at 10:20 PM on January 24 [1 favorite]


"All caught up on the spreadsheet now!"

Looks like a few of us completed much of the missing information, but there's a few entries remaining that are unidentified.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 10:28 PM on January 24


Three Gate Puzzles Only 80s Fans Will Understand
posted by divabat at 10:30 PM on January 24


The One Ring That All Men Want.
posted by ArkhanJG at 12:56 AM on January 25


Fun Game: one of them is wrong, in that (sadly) waterstones attributed the wrong book cover to a tweet.


Hint: 1890 !=Georgian
posted by AFII at 1:12 AM on January 25


What This Man Did To Get Home Will Astonish You!
posted by the man of twists and turns at 3:04 on January 25
[+] [!]
Absolutely eponysterical. Thank you for these links!
posted by undue influence at 5:01 AM on January 25


I filled in my own onespreadsheet - was I not supposed to do that? I'll leave the last two -- they're easy.
posted by Devils Rancher at 5:38 AM on January 25


Two of his daughters told him they loved him, the third blew him off. When you learn their true feelings it will break your heart.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 6:03 AM on January 25 [1 favorite]


He killed his best friend's mom in a freak baseball accident! Find out how little Owen spent the rest of his short life atoning for this tragic error!
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:04 AM on January 25 [1 favorite]


Okay guys I made a Sporcle quiz with 30 of my favorites (focusing on classics). You can take it here and see whether or not THIS ONE WEIRD QUIZ WILL SHOCK YOU.

This is the first time I've ever made a Sporcle quiz so let me know if it needs editing to improve it. I think I correctly deployed the "alternate answers" thing for foreign language titles and whatnot.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:21 AM on January 25 [4 favorites]


The government hates him! Find out what one policeman discovered really goes into your favorite processed food.

Isn't that the movie but not the book?
posted by Artw at 9:41 AM on January 25


Watch This Device Tell You Everything You Need To Know About Anything You Think About

Cut Your Way Through Multiple Worlds With This One Simple Tool

What Do These Elephant-Like Beings Know About The Meaning Of Life? Their Answers Will Surprise You.
posted by divabat at 11:09 AM on January 25 [2 favorites]


oh and fill in whichever spreadsheet entry you like...yours or anyone else's.

Great quiz Eyebrows McGee!
posted by divabat at 11:10 AM on January 25


This illiterate man changed the world by teaching people to read. His methods will shock you.
posted by divabat at 11:13 AM on January 25


MeTa
posted by mlis at 11:21 AM on January 25 [1 favorite]


I totally didn't notice that someone had had already utilized that Joyce joke; which is both a little annoying and also amusing.

Here's another one:

Learn Why Everything Went Wrong in One Man's Life Because of A Bet!
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 2:52 PM on January 25


How one simple meme conquered an entire online community.
posted by Apocryphon at 3:46 PM on January 25 [3 favorites]


Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy and Death, As You've Never Seen Them Before!
posted by Lynsey at 6:03 PM on January 25


It just came to my attention that I (or anyone else here for that matter) may have given the wrong answers on the spreadsheet for titles that weren't mine. So if any of yours were guessed wrong feel free to correct it.
posted by divabat at 6:58 PM on January 25


A housewife's magic old trick for taming her wild son will amaze you!
posted by bleep at 7:48 PM on January 25


The shocking child murders you read about in English class if you were a 90's kid!
posted by bleep at 7:54 PM on January 25


This Man's Journey Out Of Idiocy Will Make You Think Mice Can Talk
posted by gusandrews at 9:39 PM on January 25


You'll Never Guess What This Man Added Together To Get Five
posted by one more dead town's last parade at 10:17 PM on January 25 [3 favorites]


One weird trick to avoid paying a gruesome price for defaulting on a loan—demonstrated by a crossdressing woman!
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 10:24 PM on January 25


One Weird Geography Trick To Ensure Your Culture Thrives.
posted by Artw at 11:50 PM on January 25


http://xkcd.com/1307/
posted by tilde at 8:13 AM on January 29


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