Stop riding that penguin, we're leaving.
March 1, 2014 3:07 AM   Subscribe

"Don't lick my arm! That's what weird kids do."

posted by Foci for Analysis at 3:27 AM on March 1 [3 favorites]

"You can't build a fort in church." Well, Bach would disagree, but still amusing.
posted by FelliniBlank at 4:45 AM on March 1 [1 favorite]

"No talking until _" is a staple in my house, where you fill in whatever task they're distracted from doing at the moment. Which includes the disturbingly frequent "no talking until you are naked."
posted by middleclasstool at 4:54 AM on March 1 [6 favorites]

These are less funny to me as a parent than they would have been before I was. Because I can pretty much immediately dream up a scenario where I might say any of them. Kids just do random shit. You forget about that in between the time you stop being one and the time you have them.

If there was a snorkel by the back door (there wasn't because I didn't grow up with a pool), I totally would have gotten bored enough to smack the cat door with it.
posted by Mayor Curley at 5:04 AM on March 1 [9 favorites]

Putting honey on your brother is clearly more common than anybody thought.
posted by the latin mouse at 5:10 AM on March 1

The artwork in these is really wonderful, especially the penguin. Looks like a vintage travel poster.
posted by flyingsquirrel at 5:14 AM on March 1

She did not explain the context, but on the blog Dooce Heather once listed some similar things she heard her husband tell the kids. I think my favorite is "only one person is allowed to sit on the toilet at a time in this house."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:37 AM on March 1 [4 favorites]

I am cracking up here, I am amused when I catch myself saying these things too. Just last week I found myself saying "Well, I need you to get undressed, and stop playing in lava"
posted by Joh at 7:28 AM on March 1

I will never forget the time I came downstairs and found my wife trying to feed a screaming one year old who was spitting his food all over the table and dumping his cup out.

"How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat??!"
posted by Random Person at 7:37 AM on March 1 [8 favorites]

These sorts of things pop up a lot on my facebook feed, usually as "sentences I never thought I'd say." They crack me up every time, because an awful lot of parenting is, in fact, surreal, because tiny people have very strange brains.

One of the strangest I've personally said is, "IS THAT A SPIDER IN YOUR MOUTH? SHOW MOMMY. Oh, it's a cricket. That's fine, you can eat that. But no spiders."

But my children follow this rule and only eat six-legged insects and avoid 8-legged arthropods.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:37 AM on March 1 [18 favorites]

"no talking until you are naked."

A phrase that meant vastly different things before and after kids.
posted by Random Person at 7:38 AM on March 1 [8 favorites]

The best thing I ever overheard was at the grocery store. Mom said to her kid, "Superheroes don't throw fruit."

And yes, the kid in question was wearing a superhero costume.
posted by cooker girl at 9:22 AM on March 1 [2 favorites]

One of the strangest I've personally said is, "IS THAT A SPIDER IN YOUR MOUTH? SHOW MOMMY. Oh, it's a cricket. That's fine, you can eat that. But no spiders."

Last Spring, I was walking down my street with my daughter, who was four at the time.

"Here you go, Daddy," she said as she extended her pursed fingers. I assumed that she had found something she wanted me to hold for safekeeping, probably to later put in her "nature basket."

I took it from her and looked at something shriveled and greenish-brown. "What is this? Did it used to be an inchworm?" Then I figured it out and formed a sentence that may never had been uttered previously: "Um, did you just hand me a dried booger?"

"Isn't it a big one, Daddy?"

As we walked along, I tried to make the distinction between trash that we dispose of carefully and things which we can fling away.
posted by Mayor Curley at 10:59 AM on March 1 [11 favorites]

Even as a non-parent, these are hysterical.
posted by jacquilynne at 1:04 PM on March 1

"Superheroes don't throw fruit."

Hahaha. This reminds me of something my son STILL repeats to me, and it's been almost a decade since I said it.

We were in a book store, and he was about 5... wearing his SpiderMan costume, of course. Mask and all. And when he began throwing a fit because I wouldn't buy him some picture book that we already owned at home, and began grabbing the books out of my hands and throwing them in the middle of the store, I shouted


It gets repeated at least once a week at my house.
posted by bradth27 at 1:09 PM on March 1 [14 favorites]

When my kids learned that Hanukkah lasted for seven days longer than Christmas, this led to an extended argument that ended with me yelling "For the last time, we are NOT going to become Jewish!" in the middle of the grocery store. I'm sure that looked wonderful out of context.
posted by bibliowench at 2:05 PM on March 1 [2 favorites]

Me, to my son, following up on something he said about his baby sister: "What do you mean, 'Daddy let the baby eat a dead bird'?"
posted by MonkeyToes at 2:06 PM on March 1

"I am not talking to you until you put on underwear" is something I have to say to my son every. day.
posted by zardoz at 2:21 PM on March 1 [1 favorite]

...I want several of these framed in my apartment.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:41 PM on March 1

The toilet seat thing happened 3 days ago!
posted by Omnomnom at 2:55 PM on March 1

Yeah, when my kids were small, my wife and I were actually keeping of list of "Things I never thought I'd hear myself say."
It's one of the ways we got through the day.

A couple decades later, the only one that comes to mind is "I don't want to see ANY footprints on the ceiling!!"
posted by AsYouKnow Bob at 5:36 PM on March 1

It's Ok.
It's not loaded.
I'm a good driver.
Don't worry honey.

posted by Mr. Yuck at 5:52 PM on March 1

I think my favorite is "only one person is allowed to sit on the toilet at a time in this house."

FASCISTS. My sister and I used to pee on the same potty at the same time when we were really little and thought it was the best thing ever.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:34 PM on March 1 [1 favorite]

Babysitting last year, two kids aged 5 and 9. The five year old wanted to play hide and seek. The nine year-old loved making up elaborate imaginary military history games; that week's particular game involved being cold war era US spies. In one of my prouder sitting moments, it occurred to me that of course you can combine hide and seek with a spy game, because spies have to hide out if anyone suspects they're up to something. And of course, naturally, they cast the babysitter as the evil agent of law enforcement.

Things I never thought I'd find myself saying to kids; "I'm from the government, and I'm coming to find you!"
posted by ActionPopulated at 9:08 PM on March 1 [3 favorites]

The other day my partner said to my daughter, in total seriousness, "I'm sorry for mis-gendering your unicycle."
posted by latkes at 9:12 PM on March 1 [4 favorites]

Overheard this weekend: "Do not lick the bannister on the stairs of any Red Line stop ever again."
posted by A dead Quaker at 3:30 PM on March 2 [1 favorite]

Thought of this thread today when I told my daughter, "Stop putting the bread in your shoe."
posted by Night_owl at 11:33 PM on March 4 [1 favorite]

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