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Do your civic doody.
April 19, 2014 1:22 PM   Subscribe

Over the last six months, an unidentified person has been leaving feces on children's slides in the parks of Ypsilanti, Michigan. Despite deploying hidden cameras, the police have been unable to identify the mystery pooper. To enlist the help of the public, a series of billboards have been erected around Ypsilanti with such humorous taglines as "Do Your Civic Doody: Report the Pooper" and "Help us Catch the Poopetrator," as well as a Twitter campaign featuring the hashtag #ypsipooper.
posted by Existential Dread (48 comments total) 8 users marked this as a favorite

 
My investigation has determined it is either the ghost of a small child who is playing pranks in hopes his body will be discovered in the neeryby woods, or a Sasquatch making a statement about continued encroachment into its territory by suburbia.
posted by humanfont at 1:31 PM on April 19 [10 favorites]


What a crappy thing to do.
But I don't think the city needs to get all shitty about it
posted by growabrain at 1:36 PM on April 19 [4 favorites]


This is funny and all, but I hope they take it seriously. People fucking with playgrounds is a thing. Several years ago my city had a problem with someone burying razor blades in playground sand.
posted by Brocktoon at 1:39 PM on April 19


Better poo than razor blades. What's going on with the Midwest?!
posted by wensink at 1:39 PM on April 19 [2 favorites]


This sounds like exactly the sort of situation that calls for a ragtag team of merceneries played by washed-up action hero actors.
posted by localroger at 1:42 PM on April 19 [6 favorites]


What's going on with the Midwest?!

Nothing that isn't going on in every other small-to-midding-size town in America - people are bored and frustrated and some people take that out in shitty ways. The Midwest isn't immune to this kind of thing.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:43 PM on April 19 [1 favorite]


Three Christs, what an asshole.
posted by hydrophonic at 1:51 PM on April 19 [4 favorites]


They should be shat on sight.
posted by planetesimal at 1:52 PM on April 19 [4 favorites]


Reminds me of a series of "mad crapper" incidents that happened at Kefauver High in Dacron, Ohio about 50 years ago.
posted by plastic_animals at 1:53 PM on April 19 [6 favorites]


With what he's doing to Detroit, you'd think Snyder wouldn't have anything left for Ypsilanti.
posted by jamjam at 1:54 PM on April 19 [1 favorite]


What's going on with the Midwest?!

People finding ways to lower taxes and cut government spending by abandoning the whole notion of socialized care for the mentally ill, then spend a few years thinking the neighborhood sure seems to be going downhill what with all these homeless people in it, and then eventually asking themeselves How Something Like This Could Happen Here.

So, America. America is what's going on with the Midwest.
posted by mhoye at 2:03 PM on April 19 [54 favorites]


Also a 'found' item in Ypsilanti, are the Ypsilanti All-Stars, whose demo tape appeared in Found Magazine long ago, have a vaguely relevant song called "Damn! Yo Shit Be Up In My Face."
posted by chambers at 2:10 PM on April 19 [2 favorites]


“We need to get him or her and get them the help they need,” Murdock said.

At least they're not breaking out the torches and pitchforks.
posted by double block and bleed at 2:17 PM on April 19


“make frequent checks in the area and record them on your daily log.”

I see what you did there.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 2:20 PM on April 19 [4 favorites]


What's going on with the Midwest?!

Nothing that isn't going on in every other small-to-midding-size town in America

Or even smallish cities in the Pacific NW, I guess, seeing as how there was a streak of someone pooping on and around the little tables inside a play structure at the park I'd take my son to, a more recent rash of someone pooping right outside the doors of a bathroom by the playground across the street, and an even more recent one-off involving a slide.

Owing mostly to who I see stumbling around the playground after midnight on many summer nights, I tend to write it off to some sort of misplaced trucker cap nihilism. I also tend to turn in early these days, though, so maybe there's a second or even third wave of even more deranged sorts arriving in the pre-dawn hours to go around pooping.

I imagine the trucker cap types chortling merrily to themselves, occasionally cussing as they fail to get their skinny jeans pulled down adequately, or perhaps slipping and falling into their own deposits as they squat over the equipment. I know for a fact the occasional over-indulgence on the merry-go-round induces laughter from the ones who don't stagger off of it to go barf on a tree.

The theoretical 3 a.m. poop crew I've posited? I'd like it if they brought some gravitas to the thing. Capes or spats or even just an appropriately business-like mien coupled with clear-eyed and studious appraisal of each others' work.

"Well deposited, Mr. Gideon. Well deposited, indeed. Let us repair to quaff absinthe and watch the sun rise through the stained glass of the Fecalarium."

Probably just trucker caps, though.
posted by mph at 2:26 PM on April 19 [6 favorites]


No jokes, this is a serious matter.

Fecal matter.
posted by dr_dank at 2:29 PM on April 19 [3 favorites]


Poor Ypsilanti. I've lived and/or worked there for the past 40 years or so. I've taken my kids to that park (lived two blocks from it for a while). This is really not news, the police think they know who's doing it, the advertising company lite up the billboards without checking with the city or the police.

This should have been quietly solved...... (it's bad enough that this is the local water tower, we didn't need more below the belt issues to make us famous)
posted by HuronBob at 2:29 PM on April 19 [6 favorites]


Can't they recover DNA and check for a match?
posted by brujita at 2:58 PM on April 19 [1 favorite]


Given this is my hometown, it sadly comes as unsurprising. The city has been hammered by the auto industry evacuating the place over the past 50 or so years. That of course trickles down to taxes and public services. Etc etc etc.

At least it isn't as messy as it could be if we had an enema of the state on our hands.
posted by JoeXIII007 at 3:05 PM on April 19 [1 favorite]


I tend to write it off to some sort of misplaced trucker cap nihilism.

It's one mentally ill person in desperate need of help. It is not some sort of tribal behaviour. It isn't a gang or family or church. It's one sad and desperate person who isn't right in their head.

Unless there really is a group of nihilists pooping up the playgrounds, identifying their gang "color" as "trucker caps". That would fit them in with the KKK and their ghostie-o's outfit, Nazi's with their boss uniforms, and biker gang tri-patches. Gangs of criminals that need to be taken down.

Hmmm. Gangs of pooping nihilists. In trucker caps. No. Try to think with a bit of compassion. Hate isn't what's needed here. Help is.
posted by five fresh fish at 3:11 PM on April 19 [3 favorites]


God. If there really are a lot of poopers, community services are failing the community. And for it to fail so badly that a cultural poop group has formed, a gang or frat or trend or whatever—good lord what failure. We're gonna need our own poo in the loo campaign.

We can't be that bad off. Not yet!
posted by five fresh fish at 3:19 PM on April 19 [1 favorite]


Who's to say it's not an inside job by the police? What if this is being done by a pooper trooper?
posted by mistersquid at 3:24 PM on April 19 [8 favorites]


Finally have an idea for my Parks and Rec spec script.
posted by drezdn at 3:48 PM on April 19 [7 favorites]


At least it isn't as messy as it could be if we had an enema of the state on our hands.

Somebody is not acting their age again I guess.
posted by Seymour Zamboni at 4:31 PM on April 19 [1 favorite]


Finally have an idea for my Parks and Rec spec script.

PIKITIS!!
posted by Spatch at 5:00 PM on April 19 [4 favorites]


Can't they recover DNA and check for a match?

And what DNA are they matching it against, exactly? It's not like we collect DNA when handing out birth certificates (nor should we).
posted by spaceman_spiff at 5:08 PM on April 19


It's one sad and desperate person who isn't right in their head.

or a dog who likes climbing things and pooping on them
posted by pyramid termite at 5:11 PM on April 19


Teenagers. Bored teenagers. Not saying this as an old guy. Saying this as a former bored teenager who hung out with other bored teenagers, some of whom shat on things. Teenaged boys are pretty gross and stupid sometimes.
posted by Hoopo at 6:18 PM on April 19 [1 favorite]


From rapists, from burglars who cut themselves in the course of breaking in, from attackers who received defensive wounds from their prey.
posted by brujita at 7:05 PM on April 19


"Misplaced trucker cap nihilism" is the name of my new band philosophy."
posted by 445supermag at 7:24 PM on April 19 [3 favorites]


You earthlings and your anal vents, I really just don't know.
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:17 PM on April 19 [3 favorites]


I should point out that Ypsilanti is an anagram of both PLAYS IN IT and APTLY, I SIN.
posted by Joe in Australia at 8:24 PM on April 19 [8 favorites]


This shit is out of control.
posted by Pronoiac at 12:30 AM on April 20 [1 favorite]


If you're writing an article about poop, avoid the term "tongue in cheek."
posted by Pronoiac at 12:30 AM on April 20 [1 favorite]


Hey, no shaming here.
Some people enjoy that sort of thing, and as long as it's consenting.... more power (and possibly extra strong mouthwash) to them.
posted by Mezentian at 1:57 AM on April 20


These trucker caps....they vibrate?
posted by telstar at 3:09 AM on April 20


There's been a recent bout of someone shitting on cashpoint number pads in East London. This is in addition to someone else shitting on bus stop seats in Norwich, UK. Human fecal matter seems to be all the rage in community revenge. No one is safe from shit.
posted by rockyrelay at 5:06 AM on April 20 [1 favorite]


An anecdote:

A friend was close with somebody who worked in an office where somebody pooped on the bathroom floor on the regular.

Like, there would be a mound of poo right in front of the toilet. Like she regularly aimed from like, five feet away, and missed every time.

People knew who she was too, as it was like, 'Hey Janice, just coming out of the bathroom. Do do do. Hey, there's this mound of poo here.'

I've been fascinated with that ever since I heard the anecdote. Like, there must have been some phobia at work, like fear of hearing your poo splash into the water of the toilet. And that fear outweighed the extremely horrible thing of your coworkers knowing you poop on the floor on the regular.

Anyway.
posted by angrycat at 5:42 AM on April 20 [3 favorites]


These trucker caps....they vibrate?

For her pleasure!
posted by Mezentian at 6:18 AM on April 20


Also a 'found' item in Ypsilanti, are the Ypsilanti All-Stars, whose demo tape appeared in Found Magazine long ago

I have always had a problem with this narrative. For the people who were active in the Ypsi/Ann Arbor music scene in the mid 90's, the booty tape was never "lost." We all knew who did it, and it was a funny one-off side project to his primary band Cornish in a Turtleneck. It's great that it's out in the world, because it is funny and innocent and weird. But it was not some weird singular artifact. I think he made 100 or more of them in the original release.
posted by to sir with millipedes at 6:46 AM on April 20 [2 favorites]


Obligatory amazing song about ypsilanti.
posted by to sir with millipedes at 6:46 AM on April 20


Get Tina Belcher on this story. She's got experience exposing Mad Poopers.
posted by anthom at 6:55 AM on April 20 [4 favorites]


Isn't it going to turn out to be Dr. Humphrey C. Cornholt?
posted by lagomorphius at 11:24 AM on April 20


to sir with millipedes: "Obligatory amazing song about ypsilanti ."

What?
posted by wierdo at 12:40 PM on April 20


I think it has more to do with people just being assholes, rather than some reaction to a poor economy. People suck. A lot of the time.
posted by Fleeno at 5:32 PM on April 20 [1 favorite]


"Also a 'found' item in Ypsilanti, are the Ypsilanti All-Stars, whose demo tape appeared in Found Magazine long ago, have a vaguely relevant song called "Damn! Yo Shit Be Up In My Face.""

That story always annoys me: That CD was put out by Cornish in a Turtleneck, an Ypsi band that was like a cotton-candy Ween, something that was pretty well-known around town. That was only 'found' if they'd never walked into Encore. And hopefully I'm wrong, but I don't think Tim or Juan ever saw anything out of the "Ypsilanti All Stars" who tour on their catalog.
posted by klangklangston at 9:13 PM on April 20


Could this possibly be a UM fraternity prank for pledges? Like, hey send the pledges out to Ypsilanti to poop on stuff, it'll be hilarious! That was my first instinct.
posted by spicynuts at 7:02 AM on April 21 [1 favorite]


Who's going to "report the pooper"? A stool pigeon?
posted by L.P. Hatecraft at 10:43 PM on April 21 [2 favorites]


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