Burger perverts welcome
May 15, 2014 1:33 PM Subscribe
Gawk at the unholy burger combinations of PornBurger. (disclaimer: not at all porn, but NSIH --Not Safe If Hungry)
Now that the extreme pub burger craze has hit even my hometown of Paducah, Kentucky, I think you can officially call its time of death where the rest of the world is concerned.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 1:40 PM on May 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by DirtyOldTown at 1:40 PM on May 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
This just makes me want a Pantera or something from Kuma's.
posted by sparkletone at 1:49 PM on May 15, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by sparkletone at 1:49 PM on May 15, 2014 [5 favorites]
I must be some kind of burger plebian, because I wouldn't touch a single one of those things. Just point me at a damn Whataburger and save the frou-frou for the tourists.
posted by davelog at 1:55 PM on May 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by davelog at 1:55 PM on May 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Somewhat surprised not to find a burger that consists of a KFC DoubleDown between two bacon cronuts and topped with an artisanal cupcake, all shaped somehow like an AT-AT.
My understanding is that that is how you would win the internet.
posted by shakespeherian at 1:59 PM on May 15, 2014 [7 favorites]
My understanding is that that is how you would win the internet.
posted by shakespeherian at 1:59 PM on May 15, 2014 [7 favorites]
Blazecock Burgers
--
1 lb ground beef
1 shallot, coarsely diced
1 Tbsp wildflower honey
1 chipotle pepper, coarsely chopped, with 1 Tbsp adobo sauce (recommended: La Morena)
1. Bring ingredients together in mixing bowl until evenly distributed, but no more.
2. Form four equally sized patties
3. Place thumb indent in the middle of each patty
4. Place in fridge for 30 min
In the meantime, ready a very hot grill. Sear for 3 min on each side to get lines. Turn heat down to medium until patty is cooked evenly. Add a thin slice of Gruyere or Emmentaler cheese, if desired, and let sit for a few minutes. Serve on toasted sesame seed buns with a thick slice of heirloom tomato and red lettuce.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:00 PM on May 15, 2014 [13 favorites]
--
1 lb ground beef
1 shallot, coarsely diced
1 Tbsp wildflower honey
1 chipotle pepper, coarsely chopped, with 1 Tbsp adobo sauce (recommended: La Morena)
1. Bring ingredients together in mixing bowl until evenly distributed, but no more.
2. Form four equally sized patties
3. Place thumb indent in the middle of each patty
4. Place in fridge for 30 min
In the meantime, ready a very hot grill. Sear for 3 min on each side to get lines. Turn heat down to medium until patty is cooked evenly. Add a thin slice of Gruyere or Emmentaler cheese, if desired, and let sit for a few minutes. Serve on toasted sesame seed buns with a thick slice of heirloom tomato and red lettuce.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:00 PM on May 15, 2014 [13 favorites]
It's like the Bob's Burgers daily specials board!
posted by Pope Guilty at 2:00 PM on May 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by Pope Guilty at 2:00 PM on May 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
not sure about the food......but that's some nice photography
posted by lalochezia at 2:01 PM on May 15, 2014
posted by lalochezia at 2:01 PM on May 15, 2014
OMG, I love this! Seriously, heed the warning, do not go there if you are hungry. Now I have to stop everything and get food!
posted by Anitanola at 2:11 PM on May 15, 2014
posted by Anitanola at 2:11 PM on May 15, 2014
Why is everything hip and trendy that involves actual enthusiasm called "porn" now? Do we even get amusing writing out of this? E.g., "Bob's eyes rolled back into his head as he ejaculated gobs of ketchup all over her toasted buns"
posted by indubitable at 2:18 PM on May 15, 2014 [11 favorites]
posted by indubitable at 2:18 PM on May 15, 2014 [11 favorites]
"*splat* *splat* *splat*"
posted by indubitable at 2:20 PM on May 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by indubitable at 2:20 PM on May 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
What I learned from eating The Grange's hamburger (in Ann Arbor, MI) is that if you make the patties out of honest-to-god great beef processed by cows that died happy and were butchered and prepared by experts, then dressing the meat with anything but maybe a mild sauce and an egg is a waste of effort and an insult to memory of the animal that gave her life for your pleasure.
And that's more or less what came to mind when I was reading that blog.
Now I want a hamburger.
posted by ardgedee at 2:23 PM on May 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
And that's more or less what came to mind when I was reading that blog.
Now I want a hamburger.
posted by ardgedee at 2:23 PM on May 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Why is everything hip and trendy that involves actual enthusiasm called "porn" now?
Because the focus groups did not respond positively to "fisting".
What I learned from eating The Grange's hamburger (in Ann Arbor, MI) is that if you make the patties out of honest-to-god great beef processed by cows that died happy and were butchered and prepared by experts, then dressing the meat with anything but maybe a mild sauce and an egg is a waste of effort and an insult to the animal that gave her life for your pleasure.
Those cows didn't die happy and what the fuck does an egg do next to a burger except preparing to die unloved and uneaten.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 2:28 PM on May 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
Because the focus groups did not respond positively to "fisting".
What I learned from eating The Grange's hamburger (in Ann Arbor, MI) is that if you make the patties out of honest-to-god great beef processed by cows that died happy and were butchered and prepared by experts, then dressing the meat with anything but maybe a mild sauce and an egg is a waste of effort and an insult to the animal that gave her life for your pleasure.
Those cows didn't die happy and what the fuck does an egg do next to a burger except preparing to die unloved and uneaten.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 2:28 PM on May 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
Say what you will about excess--and these are prime examples--but I would inhale a So Kalbi Maybe. It pushes the right buttons.
Even though my burger ideal is a toasted white bun, not too big, a little mayo with salt and pepper, a single super ripe tomato slice, and a well-seasoned, medium-rare patty of fatty-enough beef. Maybe a slice of red onion on top.
posted by uncleozzy at 2:37 PM on May 15, 2014
Even though my burger ideal is a toasted white bun, not too big, a little mayo with salt and pepper, a single super ripe tomato slice, and a well-seasoned, medium-rare patty of fatty-enough beef. Maybe a slice of red onion on top.
posted by uncleozzy at 2:37 PM on May 15, 2014
I wouldn't want to eat most of these; they are too much and look like they'd suffer the fate of the whole being inferior to the parts. But I'd like to taste the hell out of them to find out.
I don't understand the first one. The beef patty is wrapped in bacon. So how is it cooked? I usually grill my burgers over high heat for about 4 minutes a side. If I did that, the bacon wouldn't be cooked.
I also thought the Bloody Valentine was going to be a tuna tartare, and I'd prefer that substitution.
posted by dios at 2:53 PM on May 15, 2014
I don't understand the first one. The beef patty is wrapped in bacon. So how is it cooked? I usually grill my burgers over high heat for about 4 minutes a side. If I did that, the bacon wouldn't be cooked.
I also thought the Bloody Valentine was going to be a tuna tartare, and I'd prefer that substitution.
posted by dios at 2:53 PM on May 15, 2014
Are any of these edible in the normal "pick-up-with-hands-and-bite-into-it" sense? Because these all look like vaguely hamburger-themed random-ingredient casseroles more than actual burgers. Foodies ruin everything.
posted by Strange Interlude at 2:57 PM on May 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Strange Interlude at 2:57 PM on May 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
Khaleesi Burger should be made with horse meat. Pfft.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 3:07 PM on May 15, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by jeff-o-matic at 3:07 PM on May 15, 2014 [9 favorites]
This has inspired me to go ahead and make the hamburger with mac-and-cheese buns that I've been contemplating for a while.
posted by invitapriore at 3:08 PM on May 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by invitapriore at 3:08 PM on May 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's like the Bob's Burgers daily specials board!
Here's those.
posted by Cookiebastard at 3:12 PM on May 15, 2014
Here's those.
posted by Cookiebastard at 3:12 PM on May 15, 2014
You guys are crazy. These look amazing.
posted by painquale at 3:13 PM on May 15, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by painquale at 3:13 PM on May 15, 2014 [7 favorites]
Sheesh... the hate runs strong in this thread...
Is anybody forcing you to eat "fancy" burgers at gun point?
I like simple dishes as much as the next person but there is nothing wrong with trying out new and interesting things. Sometimes an unusual combination of ingredients can produce a magical outcome. But you won't know unless you try.
The only thing to hate here is the lack of recipes.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 3:14 PM on May 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
Is anybody forcing you to eat "fancy" burgers at gun point?
I like simple dishes as much as the next person but there is nothing wrong with trying out new and interesting things. Sometimes an unusual combination of ingredients can produce a magical outcome. But you won't know unless you try.
The only thing to hate here is the lack of recipes.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 3:14 PM on May 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'm glad so many here are turning their noses up at these beautiful, beautiful, unique and lovely creations, each deserving of special attention and understanding, and like, commitment and stuff.
On preview: Painquale and Hairy, more for me and you!
posted by stinkfoot at 3:15 PM on May 15, 2014
On preview: Painquale and Hairy, more for me and you!
posted by stinkfoot at 3:15 PM on May 15, 2014
plebian ... frou-frou
I'll never understand this. I mean, eat whatever you want, of course—it's none of my business. But, man—to deprive yourself of trying potentially delicious new foods just because you think they're "frou-frou"...
Whether you're being pointedly trendy about your food (chasing every hipster foodie trend as visibly as possible), or being pointedly reactionary about your food ("ugh, none of that pretentious hipster stuff for me, gimme a Bud Light and a Big Mac"), you're letting other people's opinions have far more influence over your food choices than they deserve.
Food is only as much about class and tribal signifiers as you make it. You can eat a banh mi because you want people to see you as the type of person that eats banh mis. Or you can eat banh mis because you like them. Or because you've never had one before, and want to find out whether you like them. Or for any other reason. Or not at all.
But it's another thing to just reflexively reject unfamiliar foods on principle. We saw the same thing in the recent Plum Restaurant thread. Like I said, people have every right to eat whatever the hell they want. But if I'm being perfectly honest, I do judge those people a little bit. It shows a lack of curiosity, a lack of openness to new experience, a closed-mindedness, a fear of—instead of an enthusiasm for—the unknown and unfamiliar.
I want to ask these people...you did eventually move on from eating nothing but PB&J, chicken nuggets, and mac & cheese, right? And I assume that you're glad that you did, right? So why stop there? Why draw a line around the few dozen dishes that (by pure chance of history and geography) you grew up with, and say "I'm never going to eat anything that lies outside of this circle"? It's as if you'd only ever seen five or six colors, and decided "that's enough colors; I'm never going to look at another color; that's for hipsters".
I literally despair to think how much less rich my life would be if I'd drawn that line. I've discovered so many wonderful things because I've been willing to stray outside of it. Screw what other people think (positive or negative); I do it for myself.
I've never had a banh mi. They don't have 'em around here, and I don't get out much. I would like to try one.
I don't really do pork or red meat, but I would try the shit out of a chicken variation of the Bao-Ser's Castle, I would devour the Kaleesi as-is, and the Wooly Lamboth looks fantastic. I also dig the concept of a beef and huitlacoche patty.
And I just remembered that I haven't had dinner yet. I'm gonna go remedy that.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 3:16 PM on May 15, 2014 [19 favorites]
I'll never understand this. I mean, eat whatever you want, of course—it's none of my business. But, man—to deprive yourself of trying potentially delicious new foods just because you think they're "frou-frou"...
Whether you're being pointedly trendy about your food (chasing every hipster foodie trend as visibly as possible), or being pointedly reactionary about your food ("ugh, none of that pretentious hipster stuff for me, gimme a Bud Light and a Big Mac"), you're letting other people's opinions have far more influence over your food choices than they deserve.
Food is only as much about class and tribal signifiers as you make it. You can eat a banh mi because you want people to see you as the type of person that eats banh mis. Or you can eat banh mis because you like them. Or because you've never had one before, and want to find out whether you like them. Or for any other reason. Or not at all.
But it's another thing to just reflexively reject unfamiliar foods on principle. We saw the same thing in the recent Plum Restaurant thread. Like I said, people have every right to eat whatever the hell they want. But if I'm being perfectly honest, I do judge those people a little bit. It shows a lack of curiosity, a lack of openness to new experience, a closed-mindedness, a fear of—instead of an enthusiasm for—the unknown and unfamiliar.
I want to ask these people...you did eventually move on from eating nothing but PB&J, chicken nuggets, and mac & cheese, right? And I assume that you're glad that you did, right? So why stop there? Why draw a line around the few dozen dishes that (by pure chance of history and geography) you grew up with, and say "I'm never going to eat anything that lies outside of this circle"? It's as if you'd only ever seen five or six colors, and decided "that's enough colors; I'm never going to look at another color; that's for hipsters".
I literally despair to think how much less rich my life would be if I'd drawn that line. I've discovered so many wonderful things because I've been willing to stray outside of it. Screw what other people think (positive or negative); I do it for myself.
I've never had a banh mi. They don't have 'em around here, and I don't get out much. I would like to try one.
I don't really do pork or red meat, but I would try the shit out of a chicken variation of the Bao-Ser's Castle, I would devour the Kaleesi as-is, and the Wooly Lamboth looks fantastic. I also dig the concept of a beef and huitlacoche patty.
And I just remembered that I haven't had dinner yet. I'm gonna go remedy that.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 3:16 PM on May 15, 2014 [19 favorites]
You people need to Eat the Fucking Article before commenting.
posted by srboisvert at 3:17 PM on May 15, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by srboisvert at 3:17 PM on May 15, 2014 [6 favorites]
One thing I've discovered since moving to Portland, OR: peanut butter on a burger is delicious!
posted by Atom Eyes at 3:22 PM on May 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Atom Eyes at 3:22 PM on May 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
I recently saw a menu somewhere with a peanut butter and jalapeño burger. OMFG yes please.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 3:25 PM on May 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by escape from the potato planet at 3:25 PM on May 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
Ha, I was so grossed out by the first one I didn't even realize there were more! Changed my mind: I'll have a Khaleesi, a Lolita, and a Full Monty. And a knife and fork because I can't unhinge my jaw...
posted by sfkiddo at 3:29 PM on May 15, 2014
posted by sfkiddo at 3:29 PM on May 15, 2014
Many of those look delicious, but very few could truly be called a burger. Why not just put it in a bowl? A Cali-corn-ication Salad would be amazing.
posted by Auguris at 3:41 PM on May 15, 2014
posted by Auguris at 3:41 PM on May 15, 2014
I'm sure those burgers all taste good, but each has so much stuff. A hamburger may not be the best vehicle for that firehose of flavor, if only for geometric concerns. The abundance of meat makes each as tall as it is wide, and I don't see how you could get every (heavy, fatty, sloppy) ingredient in one bite without filling your entire mouth. Then you can't put the burger down so you can't have a drink and even if you single-hand it you'll get a fistful of aioli on the glass and that's gross and that patty might escape...
And man oh man is that a lot of adjectives for each ingredient. These are Nic Cage burgers, each trying to be the most burger.
(My ideal? Miller's Bar in Dearborn, MI. No menu, just greaseburgers ground in house, served on wax paper. Toppings available are cheese, ketchup, mustard, onions, and pickles. If I want a burger, I want to enjoy the burger part, not smother it with other stuff. Tessaro's in Pittsburgh is also excellent due to the patty being cooked over hardwood.)
posted by Turkey Glue at 3:42 PM on May 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
And man oh man is that a lot of adjectives for each ingredient. These are Nic Cage burgers, each trying to be the most burger.
(My ideal? Miller's Bar in Dearborn, MI. No menu, just greaseburgers ground in house, served on wax paper. Toppings available are cheese, ketchup, mustard, onions, and pickles. If I want a burger, I want to enjoy the burger part, not smother it with other stuff. Tessaro's in Pittsburgh is also excellent due to the patty being cooked over hardwood.)
posted by Turkey Glue at 3:42 PM on May 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Auguris: "Why not just put it in a bowl?"
My experience has been that structure can matter. I have eaten dishes where the experience of biting through a stack of different layers and releasing a mounting cascade of flavors makes for a very different experience than if it was all mixed together from the start.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 3:44 PM on May 15, 2014 [5 favorites]
My experience has been that structure can matter. I have eaten dishes where the experience of biting through a stack of different layers and releasing a mounting cascade of flavors makes for a very different experience than if it was all mixed together from the start.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 3:44 PM on May 15, 2014 [5 favorites]
Granted... with burger-like construction structure tends to break down pretty quickly after the first squish and bite.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 3:46 PM on May 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Hairy Lobster at 3:46 PM on May 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
The best hamburger I ever had was steak tartare.
posted by winna at 3:49 PM on May 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by winna at 3:49 PM on May 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Too many notes.
posted by antiquated at 3:54 PM on May 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by antiquated at 3:54 PM on May 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'd definitely try some of these but, uh, lamb heart tartare? Nope. I remember the billboards " Devouring raw lamb hearts isn't normal, but on PornBurger it is. Lamb Heart Tartare - Not Even Once"
posted by MikeMc at 3:57 PM on May 15, 2014
posted by MikeMc at 3:57 PM on May 15, 2014
Wow, there's so much serious in this thread. I think the Bao-ser's Castle sounds delicious, and even though the Wake-N-Bacon is not my cup of tea I give him tons of credit if he can truly wake and bake and pull all that together.
The best hamburger I ever had was steak tartare.
winna, if you haven't already, give buffalo tartare a try.
posted by Room 641-A at 4:02 PM on May 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
The best hamburger I ever had was steak tartare.
winna, if you haven't already, give buffalo tartare a try.
posted by Room 641-A at 4:02 PM on May 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm sure those burgers all taste good, but each has so much stuff.
Yeah, I can't cope with too many things going on in one food item at one time, it's not exciting or pleasant for me. Also I prefer burgers that I can actually fit into my mouth for a bite, and despite the fact that I can unhinge my jaw like a snake I am not sure I could successfully chomp any of these.
i did however just order bareburger so well done indeed
posted by elizardbits at 4:14 PM on May 15, 2014
Yeah, I can't cope with too many things going on in one food item at one time, it's not exciting or pleasant for me. Also I prefer burgers that I can actually fit into my mouth for a bite, and despite the fact that I can unhinge my jaw like a snake I am not sure I could successfully chomp any of these.
i did however just order bareburger so well done indeed
posted by elizardbits at 4:14 PM on May 15, 2014
And despite it's extremely unpleasant and revolting name I would probably eat the Lolita.
posted by elizardbits at 4:16 PM on May 15, 2014
posted by elizardbits at 4:16 PM on May 15, 2014
Oddly enough, I had lunch today at Local Burger, which offers burgers that are from locally sourced and/or grass fed beef and just wow. They make a nicely balanced, well-cooked burger.
posted by plinth at 4:17 PM on May 15, 2014
posted by plinth at 4:17 PM on May 15, 2014
Personally - I like a nice medium rare burger with a few ounces of really strong cheese, mustard, charred onion and a freshly toasted, slightly sweet bun. But you all can eat whatever makes you happy because, MetaFilter.
posted by Sophie1 at 4:18 PM on May 15, 2014
posted by Sophie1 at 4:18 PM on May 15, 2014
A burger topped with sharp cheddar and grilled onions on toast is really as much complexity in a burger that I can handle. These are nice to look at but seem like they've been devised by picking five or six ingredients totally at random and throwing them on a burger.
posted by octothorpe at 4:34 PM on May 15, 2014
posted by octothorpe at 4:34 PM on May 15, 2014
Also, the bumper crop of sex puns on the site is not appetizing. I'm okay with a good dick joke or two, but these feel forced.
posted by Turkey Glue at 4:46 PM on May 15, 2014
posted by Turkey Glue at 4:46 PM on May 15, 2014
Really, dick jokes work better with hotdog porn.
Or worse.
posted by Cookiebastard at 4:56 PM on May 15, 2014
Or worse.
posted by Cookiebastard at 4:56 PM on May 15, 2014
The Bao-ser's Castle is basically a straight up copy of Taiwanese Pork Belly Buns, sans powdered peanuts and with the addition of a beef tongue patty and hoisin mayo.
His might be good, but I know the original Taiwanese version is near perfect.
posted by FJT at 5:01 PM on May 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
His might be good, but I know the original Taiwanese version is near perfect.
posted by FJT at 5:01 PM on May 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
These are great but why do I have to scroll to the bottom of an endless line of comments and track back pings just to see the previous post? Move the nav links above the comments section, people. Jeez.
posted by caution live frogs at 6:00 PM on May 15, 2014
posted by caution live frogs at 6:00 PM on May 15, 2014
These are nice to look at but seem like they've been devised by picking five or six ingredients totally at random and throwing them on a burger.
There's really very little here that's random.
The Wake-N-Bacon: An interpretation of the Luther Burger.
Bao-ser's Castle: as FJT rightly points out, based on a classic combo of southeast Asian flavors.
The Wooly Lamboth: Za'atar, chickpeas, mint, feta, lamb, lemon—very typical ingredients of Levantine cuisine.
Cali-corn-ication: Mexican all the way.
So Kalbi Maybe: Kalbi (a Korean grilled beef preparation), plus ingredients typical of bibimbap (also Korean).
The Pickleback: Pretzel roll, beer-braised pork, IPA cheddar sauce, hot pickles, slaw. Germany via the United States.
The Mac Daddy: Macaroni and cheese, bacon, and lobster/crab are classic pairings. The kale's largely there for color. Is it a burger? No. Is it a perfectly sensible combination of ingredients? Sure. (I'll grant you that the jerk seasoning is weird.)
The Underberg-er, The Full Mounty, and The Slumberjack all use standard burger ingredients—beef, cheese, bread, potato—just unusual varieties of them, assembled "creatively" (I could do without that part, to be honest).
Now, the My Bloody Valentine is random—just a grotesque pile of whatever froofy ingredients the chef had in the kitchen after doing too many lines of coke one night.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 6:54 PM on May 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
There's really very little here that's random.
The Wake-N-Bacon: An interpretation of the Luther Burger.
Bao-ser's Castle: as FJT rightly points out, based on a classic combo of southeast Asian flavors.
The Wooly Lamboth: Za'atar, chickpeas, mint, feta, lamb, lemon—very typical ingredients of Levantine cuisine.
Cali-corn-ication: Mexican all the way.
So Kalbi Maybe: Kalbi (a Korean grilled beef preparation), plus ingredients typical of bibimbap (also Korean).
The Pickleback: Pretzel roll, beer-braised pork, IPA cheddar sauce, hot pickles, slaw. Germany via the United States.
The Mac Daddy: Macaroni and cheese, bacon, and lobster/crab are classic pairings. The kale's largely there for color. Is it a burger? No. Is it a perfectly sensible combination of ingredients? Sure. (I'll grant you that the jerk seasoning is weird.)
The Underberg-er, The Full Mounty, and The Slumberjack all use standard burger ingredients—beef, cheese, bread, potato—just unusual varieties of them, assembled "creatively" (I could do without that part, to be honest).
Now, the My Bloody Valentine is random—just a grotesque pile of whatever froofy ingredients the chef had in the kitchen after doing too many lines of coke one night.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 6:54 PM on May 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Uggggh, every time something remotely cool or trendy happens in food there has to be pushback by all the people who are too hipster for the hipsters. Just enjoy the food porn, guys. Not every burger has to have the simplicity of a Krabby Patty.
posted by archagon at 6:55 PM on May 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by archagon at 6:55 PM on May 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
(I also think that the word "burger" is a little distracting, and perhaps responsible for some of the grar. Most of these are not burgers. Some are barely sandwiches. They're probably best appreciated on their own merits.)
posted by escape from the potato planet at 6:59 PM on May 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by escape from the potato planet at 6:59 PM on May 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
These mostly look pretty decent to me actually, I would be happy to try pretty much any one of them if it was presented to me, but I wouldn't spend more than ten or so bucks on one and sure as shit wouldn't make one myself.
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:58 PM on May 15, 2014
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:58 PM on May 15, 2014
The web-dev in me loves the web design of this. The huge, full width photos exploding across the page, with large fonts and lots of white space. The only thing that could make it better would be to take off the social media cruft.
And the curious foodie in me wants to try every one of these burgers. They look amazing.
posted by rsanheim at 9:46 PM on May 15, 2014
And the curious foodie in me wants to try every one of these burgers. They look amazing.
posted by rsanheim at 9:46 PM on May 15, 2014
Thanks, but I believe I'll stick with a good old Dean Martin burger.
posted by TexArcane at 2:16 AM on May 16, 2014
posted by TexArcane at 2:16 AM on May 16, 2014
Uggggh, every time something remotely cool or trendy happens in food there has to be pushback by all the people who are too hipster for the hipsters.
It has nothing to do with hipsterism so much as the simple fact that conspicuous consumption doesn't become any better if you put aspirational and lifestyle buzzwords around them.
posted by MartinWisse at 2:39 AM on May 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
It has nothing to do with hipsterism so much as the simple fact that conspicuous consumption doesn't become any better if you put aspirational and lifestyle buzzwords around them.
posted by MartinWisse at 2:39 AM on May 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
Yeah, worth noting that this type of food is not analogous to, for example, a banh mi, or kimchee, or even sushi. Those are real foods, that people eat. (Banh mi is Saigonese street food based on asian flavors and a baguette; kimchee is so important to Koreans that they have special refrigerators for it; and sushi has humble origins as street food, as well.) This type of food is, as MartinWisse says, conspicuous consumption. Not appreciating a burger that is essentially meat + meat + meat + meat is not being provincial, it's just rejection of the ethos that led to the concoction.
The test of real food is this: "would I ever want to cook this at home?" If the answer is no, there is something wrong; the best food is relatively simple, such that you could have it at home, if you want.
posted by sonic meat machine at 5:38 AM on May 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
The test of real food is this: "would I ever want to cook this at home?" If the answer is no, there is something wrong; the best food is relatively simple, such that you could have it at home, if you want.
posted by sonic meat machine at 5:38 AM on May 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
What a weird and arbitrary definition of "real food". You've never ordered something in a restaurant that you wouldn't have made at home? You've never made something elaborate and time-consuming at home?
posted by escape from the potato planet at 6:01 AM on May 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by escape from the potato planet at 6:01 AM on May 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
Sure, on both counts. In the first case, not often, and usually not on my own dime. In the second case, yes, and it's usually a disappointment. It should be noted that my home-food bar is probably higher than most because my wife is an incredible cook, so I get pho, bun bo hue, etc. at home. I'm not rejecting all "complex" food, just complex food that is also... contrived. Like a burger with rice patties instead of bread. Or that is just a big wad of meat.
posted by sonic meat machine at 6:11 AM on May 16, 2014
posted by sonic meat machine at 6:11 AM on May 16, 2014
There's the moral angle. There's also the aesthetic angle. Most of these 'burgers' look like the car Homer designed.
posted by Mei's lost sandal at 6:25 AM on May 16, 2014
posted by Mei's lost sandal at 6:25 AM on May 16, 2014
There's also the ergonomics/engineering angle. As I stated above, only a few of these look like they can actually be eaten "hamburger-style", i.e. by grasping with 1 or 2 hands and bringing up to the mouth.
STRANGE INTERLUDE'S RULE OF BURGERS: If I have to use a knife and fork to eat the burger you made, it's not a burger. It's a burger-shaped casserole.
COROLLARY: If I don't get a little bit of every ingredient/topping layer in every "bite" I take of your burger, and instead have to eat it in semi-discrete sections, it's not a burger. It's an off-the-skewer shish kebab.
posted by Strange Interlude at 6:58 AM on May 16, 2014 [5 favorites]
STRANGE INTERLUDE'S RULE OF BURGERS: If I have to use a knife and fork to eat the burger you made, it's not a burger. It's a burger-shaped casserole.
COROLLARY: If I don't get a little bit of every ingredient/topping layer in every "bite" I take of your burger, and instead have to eat it in semi-discrete sections, it's not a burger. It's an off-the-skewer shish kebab.
posted by Strange Interlude at 6:58 AM on May 16, 2014 [5 favorites]
The trend I'm sick of is brioche buns. They're too rich, and they fall apart too easily for a proper burger.
posted by malocchio at 7:36 AM on May 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by malocchio at 7:36 AM on May 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
The trend I'm sick of is brioche buns.
YES. Brioche has no place anywhere near a hamburger. My local pub seems to get whatever bread their bakery delivers on a given day, and occasionally it's brioche rolls. It's terrible.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:39 AM on May 16, 2014
YES. Brioche has no place anywhere near a hamburger. My local pub seems to get whatever bread their bakery delivers on a given day, and occasionally it's brioche rolls. It's terrible.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:39 AM on May 16, 2014
In the first case, not often, and usually not on my own dime.
I'm not rejecting all "complex" food, just complex food that is also... contrived.
posted by sonic meat machine at 8:11 AM on May 16
This just reads to me like some bad Anthony Bourdain impersonation riffing on culinary authenticity. The comment "not on my dime" comes off to me suggesting that you wouldn't dare pay for a fancy dish at a restaurant because it is beneath you. And calling food "contrived" is extraordinarily odd to me since there is a large artistic and creative passion in the best chefs. And you can't be artistic and creative without being "contrived."
There are some things I like about Bourdain. But I can't stand his shtick that this $50 artistic Wylie Dufresne dish is a waste of money and garbage because he is trying to do something neat and different, while the better meal is this 3 cent trashcan stew that is made by the hobos in a back alley in downtown because it is real and authentic. Maybe I am reading you wrong, and if I am, I apologize. But it sure comes across that way to me.
I don't begrudge you liking what you like. Love asian street food. Love your wife's cooking. Whatever. But don't proclaim for yourself the ability to define what "real food" is and by necessary implication labeling everything else "fake" or without worth.
posted by dios at 10:15 AM on May 16, 2014
I'm not rejecting all "complex" food, just complex food that is also... contrived.
posted by sonic meat machine at 8:11 AM on May 16
This just reads to me like some bad Anthony Bourdain impersonation riffing on culinary authenticity. The comment "not on my dime" comes off to me suggesting that you wouldn't dare pay for a fancy dish at a restaurant because it is beneath you. And calling food "contrived" is extraordinarily odd to me since there is a large artistic and creative passion in the best chefs. And you can't be artistic and creative without being "contrived."
There are some things I like about Bourdain. But I can't stand his shtick that this $50 artistic Wylie Dufresne dish is a waste of money and garbage because he is trying to do something neat and different, while the better meal is this 3 cent trashcan stew that is made by the hobos in a back alley in downtown because it is real and authentic. Maybe I am reading you wrong, and if I am, I apologize. But it sure comes across that way to me.
I don't begrudge you liking what you like. Love asian street food. Love your wife's cooking. Whatever. But don't proclaim for yourself the ability to define what "real food" is and by necessary implication labeling everything else "fake" or without worth.
posted by dios at 10:15 AM on May 16, 2014
sonic meat machine: "This type of food is, as MartinWisse says, conspicuous consumption."
i checked back since looking at the link yesterday and all of the burgers are still there. they have not been consumed. but i'll give you "conspicuous" i guess
posted by invitapriore at 11:23 AM on May 16, 2014
i checked back since looking at the link yesterday and all of the burgers are still there. they have not been consumed. but i'll give you "conspicuous" i guess
posted by invitapriore at 11:23 AM on May 16, 2014
This just reads to me like some bad Anthony Bourdain impersonation riffing on culinary authenticity.
Thanks!
The comment "not on my dime" comes off to me suggesting that you wouldn't dare pay for a fancy dish at a restaurant because it is beneath you.
No, I don't pay for a fancy dish at restaurants because, usually, I like simpler things, and if I go to a "fancy" restaurant, where I don't have the option, it's generally because someone took me there for a business lunch or something similar. You can view that as snobbery if you like, but I have a finite budget for eating out and use it to my best benefit.
And calling food "contrived" is extraordinarily odd to me since there is a large artistic and creative passion in the best chefs. And you can't be artistic and creative without being "contrived."
I don't think so. Have you ever watched Jiro Dreams of Sushi? Jiro is what I envision as the ultimate master chef: utterly dedicated to his craft, in the top flight for decades, and yet his craft has led him to ever-simpler preparations and focus on fundamentals. You can go to any "foodie" restaurant and get $20 sushi rolls with every imaginable thing stuck into them, but I'd gladly pay for a meal at Jiro's restaurant if I had the opportunity.
Take the simple tomato sauce recipe in Marcella Hazan: it's almost perfect, to such a degree that eating it can be astonishing if it's done well, but it has basically three ingredients.
There are some things I like about Bourdain. But I can't stand his shtick that this $50 artistic Wylie Dufresne dish is a waste of money and garbage because he is trying to do something neat and different, while the better meal is this 3 cent trashcan stew that is made by the hobos in a back alley in downtown because it is real and authentic. Maybe I am reading you wrong, and if I am, I apologize. But it sure comes across that way to me.
I have nothing against haute cuisine like Dufresne, either. Looking at a menu (I hadn't heard of him), his dishes seem interesting and are probably well balanced and well-conceived. You're being reductive and a little bit insulting here, though: the choice isn't between $50 bass and "hobo stew." Street food isn't an insult, and doesn't have to evoke the image of Bourdain crouching in an unsanitary hole in the backwoods of Cambodia. It just means food that normal people eat on a normal day, that you can go to a small cafe and eat. Hamburgers, for example, are a type of "street food," or fish and chips. Bourdain tends to pick the most sensationalist ways to find "street food" because it makes for the best television, but many places where you can eat banh mi (for example) are a lot more sanitary than a typical fast food restaurant in the US.
I don't begrudge you liking what you like. Love asian street food. Love your wife's cooking. Whatever. But don't proclaim for yourself the ability to define what "real food" is and by necessary implication labeling everything else "fake" or without worth.
The problem that I have with stuff like the "burgers" in the link is that they hit neither the correct note for burgers (which are simple street food that should be edible with your hands without making a sloppy mess) nor the correct notes for the cuisines of which they are a pastiche. You can't compare them to Dufresne, who prepares concept dishes; these burgers are more like someone who can't paint figurally attempting to do abstract impressionism. Or Homer designing a car, as above. It's like a middlebrow version of the revolting KFC "Famous Bowl"—everything thrown together resulting in a mess.
posted by sonic meat machine at 11:55 AM on May 16, 2014 [2 favorites]
Thanks!
The comment "not on my dime" comes off to me suggesting that you wouldn't dare pay for a fancy dish at a restaurant because it is beneath you.
No, I don't pay for a fancy dish at restaurants because, usually, I like simpler things, and if I go to a "fancy" restaurant, where I don't have the option, it's generally because someone took me there for a business lunch or something similar. You can view that as snobbery if you like, but I have a finite budget for eating out and use it to my best benefit.
And calling food "contrived" is extraordinarily odd to me since there is a large artistic and creative passion in the best chefs. And you can't be artistic and creative without being "contrived."
I don't think so. Have you ever watched Jiro Dreams of Sushi? Jiro is what I envision as the ultimate master chef: utterly dedicated to his craft, in the top flight for decades, and yet his craft has led him to ever-simpler preparations and focus on fundamentals. You can go to any "foodie" restaurant and get $20 sushi rolls with every imaginable thing stuck into them, but I'd gladly pay for a meal at Jiro's restaurant if I had the opportunity.
Take the simple tomato sauce recipe in Marcella Hazan: it's almost perfect, to such a degree that eating it can be astonishing if it's done well, but it has basically three ingredients.
There are some things I like about Bourdain. But I can't stand his shtick that this $50 artistic Wylie Dufresne dish is a waste of money and garbage because he is trying to do something neat and different, while the better meal is this 3 cent trashcan stew that is made by the hobos in a back alley in downtown because it is real and authentic. Maybe I am reading you wrong, and if I am, I apologize. But it sure comes across that way to me.
I have nothing against haute cuisine like Dufresne, either. Looking at a menu (I hadn't heard of him), his dishes seem interesting and are probably well balanced and well-conceived. You're being reductive and a little bit insulting here, though: the choice isn't between $50 bass and "hobo stew." Street food isn't an insult, and doesn't have to evoke the image of Bourdain crouching in an unsanitary hole in the backwoods of Cambodia. It just means food that normal people eat on a normal day, that you can go to a small cafe and eat. Hamburgers, for example, are a type of "street food," or fish and chips. Bourdain tends to pick the most sensationalist ways to find "street food" because it makes for the best television, but many places where you can eat banh mi (for example) are a lot more sanitary than a typical fast food restaurant in the US.
I don't begrudge you liking what you like. Love asian street food. Love your wife's cooking. Whatever. But don't proclaim for yourself the ability to define what "real food" is and by necessary implication labeling everything else "fake" or without worth.
The problem that I have with stuff like the "burgers" in the link is that they hit neither the correct note for burgers (which are simple street food that should be edible with your hands without making a sloppy mess) nor the correct notes for the cuisines of which they are a pastiche. You can't compare them to Dufresne, who prepares concept dishes; these burgers are more like someone who can't paint figurally attempting to do abstract impressionism. Or Homer designing a car, as above. It's like a middlebrow version of the revolting KFC "Famous Bowl"—everything thrown together resulting in a mess.
posted by sonic meat machine at 11:55 AM on May 16, 2014 [2 favorites]
i checked back since looking at the link yesterday and all of the burgers are still there. they have not been consumed. but i'll give you "conspicuous" i guess
droll
posted by sonic meat machine at 11:55 AM on May 16, 2014
droll
posted by sonic meat machine at 11:55 AM on May 16, 2014
They're quite extraordinary these acrobatics you're doing to construct an entire worldview around the fact that you just think these burgers are dumb.
posted by invitapriore at 12:01 PM on May 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by invitapriore at 12:01 PM on May 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
If you don't want to have a discussion, ignore it.
posted by sonic meat machine at 12:02 PM on May 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by sonic meat machine at 12:02 PM on May 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
burgers (which are simple street food that should be edible with your hands without making a sloppy mess)
How about pizza? Should pizza be hand-held? Does that rule out deep-dish? How about California-style pizza? I mostly agree with you about what a burger "ought to" be, but I also have ideas about what lots of things ought to be that don't necessarily agree with real-world usage. I'm okay with that.
Arguing that these aren't hamburgers falls down the same trap as insisting that a vodkatini or appletini isn't a "martini." It's a battle that's already been lost, and anyway, everybody understands what you mean when you call something a "-tini" or a "-burger." May as well piss in the wind.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:33 PM on May 16, 2014 [2 favorites]
How about pizza? Should pizza be hand-held? Does that rule out deep-dish? How about California-style pizza? I mostly agree with you about what a burger "ought to" be, but I also have ideas about what lots of things ought to be that don't necessarily agree with real-world usage. I'm okay with that.
Arguing that these aren't hamburgers falls down the same trap as insisting that a vodkatini or appletini isn't a "martini." It's a battle that's already been lost, and anyway, everybody understands what you mean when you call something a "-tini" or a "-burger." May as well piss in the wind.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:33 PM on May 16, 2014 [2 favorites]
MetaFilter: ANGRY ABOUT BURGERS
posted by escape from the potato planet at 12:37 PM on May 16, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by escape from the potato planet at 12:37 PM on May 16, 2014 [5 favorites]
Sometimes it's fun to try something simple but good.
Sometimes it's fun to try something delicate and complex
Sometimes it's fun to try something ridiculous and counter intuitive.
Sometimes it's fun to try something stupid and to fail or succeed more or less spectacularly.
And apparently sometimes it's also fun to waste time actively hating and dismissing stuff one doesn't care for that doesn't otherwise hurt anybody instead of ignoring it and spending that same time enjoying the things one does care for or getting upset about things worth getting upset about.
This thread boggles my mind.
All attempts to reduce the joy I get out of contemplating the experience of tasting (and possibly re-creating) these burger-like food items are doomed to fail.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 12:45 PM on May 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
Sometimes it's fun to try something delicate and complex
Sometimes it's fun to try something ridiculous and counter intuitive.
Sometimes it's fun to try something stupid and to fail or succeed more or less spectacularly.
And apparently sometimes it's also fun to waste time actively hating and dismissing stuff one doesn't care for that doesn't otherwise hurt anybody instead of ignoring it and spending that same time enjoying the things one does care for or getting upset about things worth getting upset about.
This thread boggles my mind.
All attempts to reduce the joy I get out of contemplating the experience of tasting (and possibly re-creating) these burger-like food items are doomed to fail.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 12:45 PM on May 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
There are some things I like about Bourdain. But I can't stand his shtick that this $50 artistic Wylie Dufresne dish is a waste of money and garbage because he is trying to do something neat and different, while the better meal is this 3 cent trashcan stew that is made by the hobos in a back alley in downtown because it is real and authentic
You should probably watch Decoding Ferran Adria, a short doc Bourdain did about elBulli, how it worked, the Taller, and what eating a meal there was like. That schtick you're complaining about was put to rest, decisively, by Bourdain a decade ago.
I won't argue that he prefers simple, uncomplicated food. But he has a great appreciation for the avant garde chefs that has developed since his--by his own admission--ignorant dismissal of Adria as 'that foam guy.'
As for the definition of 'real food' that's like trying to define 'authenticity.' It's mental masturbation of the worst sort and is entirely pointless. The only things that matter about food: Does it taste good? Does it look good?
That's it (plus questions of actual nutrition, which are pretty irrelevant when you're talking about stuntburgers).
Real food is food that tastes good to you. That's it. Defining 'real food' as 'what I personally like to eat' is ridiculous in the extreme.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:13 PM on May 16, 2014
You should probably watch Decoding Ferran Adria, a short doc Bourdain did about elBulli, how it worked, the Taller, and what eating a meal there was like. That schtick you're complaining about was put to rest, decisively, by Bourdain a decade ago.
I won't argue that he prefers simple, uncomplicated food. But he has a great appreciation for the avant garde chefs that has developed since his--by his own admission--ignorant dismissal of Adria as 'that foam guy.'
As for the definition of 'real food' that's like trying to define 'authenticity.' It's mental masturbation of the worst sort and is entirely pointless. The only things that matter about food: Does it taste good? Does it look good?
That's it (plus questions of actual nutrition, which are pretty irrelevant when you're talking about stuntburgers).
Real food is food that tastes good to you. That's it. Defining 'real food' as 'what I personally like to eat' is ridiculous in the extreme.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:13 PM on May 16, 2014
(A decade +/- a year or two. The doc was filmed somewhere between 2003 and 2005, based on the food served cross-referenced with the General Catalogue which used to be on the elBulli site, which documented almost every dish they ever served. They did dip into the 'greatest hits' bin a little for Bourdain's meal, but it was filmed sometime in that period. I wish I could be more specific but my copy was burned by a friend and is thus missing its release date and I'm too lazy to Google.)
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:15 PM on May 16, 2014
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:15 PM on May 16, 2014
Have you ever watched Jiro Dreams of Sushi? Jiro is what I envision as the ultimate master chef: utterly dedicated to his craft, in the top flight for decades, and yet his craft has led him to ever-simpler preparations and focus on fundamentals.
Did you watch Jiro Dreams of Sushi? He says himself in the documentary of believing in constantly improving his skills and techniques. And that means changing, sometimes for the less simple. In the documentary, he points out increasing the time to massage octopus in order to have a better texture. The title itself refers to him waking up in the middle of the night and writing down his ideas!
Honestly, I don't get this weird preoccupation to rigidly define what an orthodox burger "is" or dismissing something automatically because it's a fusion or "pastiche". I can agree, a lot of times these new creations are going to just taste bad(I expressed uncertainty about the Bao-ser myself), but this is how new food gets made. It's obvious that something like Banh Mi wasn't always a Vietnamese staple and at one point in its history it too was probably seen as "conspicuous".
And I also don't understand why when a professional chef like Dufresne combines things it's great, but when an amateur does it he has to knock it out of the park or he's just some middlebrow asshole that shouldn't even try? Isn't the great thing about food is that everyone can try to cook? That even normal people who aren't pros can maybe stumble into something new or interesting (or if they fail, that's okay, the cost is just a bad meal)?
posted by FJT at 1:16 AM on May 17, 2014 [5 favorites]
Did you watch Jiro Dreams of Sushi? He says himself in the documentary of believing in constantly improving his skills and techniques. And that means changing, sometimes for the less simple. In the documentary, he points out increasing the time to massage octopus in order to have a better texture. The title itself refers to him waking up in the middle of the night and writing down his ideas!
Honestly, I don't get this weird preoccupation to rigidly define what an orthodox burger "is" or dismissing something automatically because it's a fusion or "pastiche". I can agree, a lot of times these new creations are going to just taste bad(I expressed uncertainty about the Bao-ser myself), but this is how new food gets made. It's obvious that something like Banh Mi wasn't always a Vietnamese staple and at one point in its history it too was probably seen as "conspicuous".
And I also don't understand why when a professional chef like Dufresne combines things it's great, but when an amateur does it he has to knock it out of the park or he's just some middlebrow asshole that shouldn't even try? Isn't the great thing about food is that everyone can try to cook? That even normal people who aren't pros can maybe stumble into something new or interesting (or if they fail, that's okay, the cost is just a bad meal)?
posted by FJT at 1:16 AM on May 17, 2014 [5 favorites]
And I'm just going to come out and say it, but what's the difference between
Honestly, I don't get this weird preoccupation to rigidly define what an orthodox burger "is" or dismissing something automatically because it's a fusion or "pastiche".
Really. Do people get this bent out of shape over grilled cheese sandwiches?
posted by Room 641-A at 7:20 AM on May 17, 2014
It should be noted that my home-food bar is probably higher than most because my wife is an incredible cook, so I get pho, bun bo hue, etc. at home.and any other decent home cook? Surely as an accomplished home cook your wife must experiment with ingredients occasionally.
Honestly, I don't get this weird preoccupation to rigidly define what an orthodox burger "is" or dismissing something automatically because it's a fusion or "pastiche".
Really. Do people get this bent out of shape over grilled cheese sandwiches?
posted by Room 641-A at 7:20 AM on May 17, 2014
> Most of these 'burgers' look like the car Homer designed.
Well, I think they look beautiful.
posted by archagon at 6:44 PM on May 17, 2014
Well, I think they look beautiful.
posted by archagon at 6:44 PM on May 17, 2014
Also, these burgers are pretty much directly analogous to sushi. California rolls? Dragon rolls? Caterpillar rolls? Heck, even your basic inside-out rolls? Most people don't eat Jiro sushi. Most people eat crazy, multi-colored, mayo-drizzled variations on sushi that chefs came up with to attract more customers. (Same with banh mi, as a matter of fact. Or chinese food. Or pizza.)
posted by archagon at 6:51 PM on May 17, 2014
posted by archagon at 6:51 PM on May 17, 2014
I would eat the heck out of that Khaleesi burger and any vegetarianized version of most of the others. (Almost closed the tab when I saw the one that's currently on top, but figured Kitteh has sound instincts re food, so…)
posted by Lexica at 3:45 PM on May 18, 2014
posted by Lexica at 3:45 PM on May 18, 2014
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posted by sonic meat machine at 1:34 PM on May 15, 2014 [1 favorite]