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Tonight I Dine On Squirtle Soup
May 29, 2014 8:51 AM   Subscribe

Simply put, it is a fact that people eat Pokémon.
posted by Ghostride The Whip (30 comments total) 13 users marked this as a favorite

 
My son will be heartbroken.
posted by jenny76 at 8:53 AM on May 29 [1 favorite]


what does this have to do with poffins
posted by The Whelk at 9:03 AM on May 29


"Gotta eat 'em all!"
posted by garisimo at 9:25 AM on May 29 [2 favorites]




This article is comparing oranges to dark matter.

Personally, I see no reason to think that the people of the pokeverse eat Pokemon at all. As in most animated universes the laws of physics of this world obviously do not apply. Conservation of Mass is a joke there Force might equal something, but it's not mass times acceleration. Even comic relief characters are capable of shrugging off injuries, explosions, and falls that would devastate someone from our world.

It's been a decade since I watched the cartoon, but I'm not sure if the people there defecate.

So, personally, I suspect food appears. Yep. Just appears, based on the law of what's convenient for the plot.

I'm sure the people of the pokeverse have joking articles about how we seem to constantly need haircuts and change clothes way too often.

Seriously, stop trying to judge their universe by our rules. Oranges to dark matter.
posted by bswinburn at 9:30 AM on May 29 [3 favorites]


See, what you do is you catch the pikachu in a net and you blind it.

Then for the next six weeks you fatten it up on millet, grapes, and figs. Really stuff it. You want it to be like four times as fat as when you caught it.

Then, when you're ready to cook it, you drown it in cognac and you roast it.

When it's done, you stuff the whole thing in your mouth. You bite the head off first, and then just sort of chew on it until it's gone.

Oh, and you should put a napkin over your head while you're eating it. You don't want God to see what you're doing. But it's fantastic, trust me. Totally worth it.
posted by Naberius at 9:30 AM on May 29 [31 favorites]


Maybe they just grow rice and mysteriously transmute it into other food.
posted by knuckle tattoos at 9:41 AM on May 29


Overthinking a plate of Slowpoke tails.
posted by hot_monster at 9:42 AM on May 29 [2 favorites]


You don't actually slaughter or prepare a Pokemon, you just put them near a stove and feed them Rare Candy until they evolve into dinner.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 9:43 AM on May 29 [11 favorites]


Sure, everyone wants to talk about the ethics of eating a Pikachu or maybe even a Machoke, but the real connoisseurs know that the lumpy, tasteless flesh of electric rats and humanoids with weird head ridges has nothing on the real Pokedelicacies. Once you know what it's like to savor the savory crunch of a Magneton, fried in the shell (or thick layer of electromagnet as it were) or the delicate innards of a Voltorb that's not quite ready to explode, you'll never go back to eating things that seem like semi-sentient fanciful animals again.

And that's not even getting into the exquisite pleasures of trying to eat Ghost-Types, the true molecular gastronomy of the Pokeverse.
posted by Copronymus at 9:44 AM on May 29 [4 favorites]


I guess this belongs here: Complete Phylogenetic Tree of the Pokémon. It's based on Real Research!
posted by benito.strauss at 9:50 AM on May 29 [3 favorites]


Sprinkle with ash and ketchup.
posted by Kabanos at 9:50 AM on May 29 [8 favorites]


Does anyone know about that onion that Farfetch'd carries around? Is it an extension of the Farfetch'd with the same consciousness, ability to feel pain, etc. or is just an onion I could take and eat myself like I'd eat any other onion being carried around by a duck?
posted by Copronymus at 9:54 AM on May 29 [12 favorites]


This is my favourite thread title of all time. My pop culture squee-o-meter is in pieces, here.

I often think the overtly utopian worldview presented by Pokémon (clean, renewable energy, streets and country roads safe for children to wander alone, free healthcare for Pokémon) and the ideology of peace, tolerance and cooperation espoused by almost every character, is an attempt to distract you from the fact that this is a place in which the entire economy relies on catching rare animals from the wild, administering 'vitamin' shots then forcing them to fight each other on street corners for cash.
posted by RokkitNite at 10:06 AM on May 29 [11 favorites]


Honestly, I just enjoyed that Modern Farmer, of all places, was writing po-faced articles about the ethics of eating Pokemon for no apparent reason.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 10:15 AM on May 29 [10 favorites]


i herd u like mudkips

so i sauteed u some with shallots and garlic
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:15 AM on May 29 [12 favorites]


Having started playing semi competitive. Its easy where they get it all. Failed breeder projects for godlike perfection. Oop, only a 3 iv gible huh. Off to the veal crate for ya. I mean released. Yes. Released into the wild. >.> <.<
posted by AngelWuff at 10:42 AM on May 29 [3 favorites]


I'm a little worried about dudeskull, TBH
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:52 AM on May 29 [5 favorites]


That phylogenetic tree mistakenly treats the fossil Pokemon and legendaries as if they're ordinary species. In real life it's wrong to say that "humans evolved from chimpanzees"; we're both alive at the same time, so humans and chimps share a most recent common ancestor which is no longer around. But resurrected fossil Pokemon like Omastar are the equivalent of a velociraptor in Jurassic Park; they realy are ancestors of modern species.

Legendaries are also exceptional: Giratina is from a parallel world, Celebi travels through time so who knows when it naturally evolved, and Deoxys is an alien. Other legendaries are also implied to be one-of-a-kind. Myths aren't always true, so for instance Arceus probably isn't really a god, but Mew really could be the ancestor of all Pokemon.

Even ordinary Pokemon don't always fit into a single evolutionary tree: there's some gear-based Pokemon which an in-game professor says appeared "100 years ago" (i.e. after the industrial revolution). This could mean that an existing species began imitating gears, or that gears are sometimes animated into living Pokemon. This makes sense if some Pokemon are more like youkai than naturally-evolved animals: tsukumogami are objects "that have reached their 100th birthday and thus become alive and self-aware."
posted by Rangi at 11:58 AM on May 29 [5 favorites]


Maybe next, Modern Farmer can settle the question of whether eating Bulbasaur is vegan.
posted by ignignokt at 12:27 PM on May 29 [4 favorites]


That's nonsense, everyone lives off jelly donuts.
posted by Small Dollar at 1:19 PM on May 29 [2 favorites]


Came for the Pokemon, stayed for the review of Farming Simulator 2013: lulz.
posted by Ogre Lawless at 2:31 PM on May 29 [1 favorite]


Does anyone know about that onion that Farfetch'd carries around?

Yes. It is actually a leek, and I recommend slicing thinly, sauteeing in butter with a thyme or rosemary sprig until soft and translucent, then adding 8 ounces finely chopped mushrooms. Once the excess liquid released by the cooking mushrooms has evaporated, pour in a pint of cream and finish with microplaned nutmeg and finely ground black pepper.

You now have an excellent homemade version of cream of mushroom soup, suitable for serving in a bowl or, as I like to do, making fancy green bean cassarole with haricot verts and beer-battered shallots.
posted by Juliet Banana at 2:41 PM on May 29 [2 favorites]


Does anyone know about that onion that Farfetch'd carries around? Is it an extension of the Farfetch'd with the same consciousness, ability to feel pain, etc. or is just an onion I could take and eat myself like I'd eat any other onion being carried around by a duck?
posted by Copronymus at 1:54 AM on May 30


Disappointing answer: in Japanese there's a saying, "a good duck has brought green onions," basically meaning a sucker/mark has just rolled up. Traditionally, wild game like ducks would be cooked with green onion. Even today "duck" is the slang word equivalent to "mark" in Japan.
posted by DoctorFedora at 2:43 PM on May 29 [4 favorites]


I believe that feeding Pokémon large quantities of sour poffins gives their flesh a tangy quality, much like a fine yoghurt sauce.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:59 PM on May 29 [2 favorites]


you monster
posted by elizardbits at 3:56 PM on May 29 [3 favorites]


The poffins he does not prefer.
posted by The Whelk at 4:06 PM on May 29


Psychic pokemon would be tempting to try.
posted by drezdn at 5:53 PM on May 29


I was going to eat a psychic pokémon once, but then my ability to bite was mysteriously disabled.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 8:07 PM on May 29 [3 favorites]


I always thought that this was obvious. Either everyone is the pokeverse is a vegetarian, or they eat pokemon. There are, as far as I've seen, there no other animals at all besides pokemon. I will say that the only things I've ever seen the characters in the cartoon eat are those rice ball things and unidentifiable soup, so I think it's possible that mostly everybody is a vegetarian. This article was surprisingly shallow in its treatment of the issue. Not a lot of meat on them pokebones.
posted by runcibleshaw at 9:21 PM on May 29


Or the people in the pokeverse simply don't need to eat, which explains why they're able to send out their children to train pokemon without worrying they will starve.
posted by NoraReed at 9:28 PM on May 29 [1 favorite]


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