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May 29, 2014 12:27 PM   Subscribe

Recently, News Corp announced they are acquiring Harlequin, the foremost publisher of steamy romance novels. Here's a taste of the new and improved product, courtesy of Bill Maher.
posted by Daddy-O (45 comments total) 14 users marked this as a favorite

 
I feel dirty. I have to go grab my falafel and take a shower.
posted by Drinky Die at 12:40 PM on May 29 [24 favorites]


Corrupt publisher that screws over writers (look up the lawsuit over Harlequin's use of foreign subsidiaries to screw authors out of royalties) bought by corrupt multinational that screws over the public.

They're made for each other.
posted by NoxAeternum at 12:41 PM on May 29 [5 favorites]


Dr. Dax Ransom

I LOL'd
posted by rosswald at 12:42 PM on May 29


*Reads first sentence of new and improved and rolls on the floor laughing ass off.*

Now that was an industry due for a shake up!
posted by infini at 12:43 PM on May 29 [1 favorite]


"And that’s when Hector the Orderly entered the scene. He was unlike any man she’d ever met. He was black, and full of a powerful energy, much like clean coal.

Hector fumbled with the condom’s wrapper until Rachel stopped him. 'Don’t bother,' she smiled, parting her legs for him, 'My body has a way of shutting that whole thing down.'

Hector buried his face between her legs and she rode his mustache for what seemed like an eternity. 'It’s true,' she thought. 'Mexicans are willing to do jobs American’s won’t.'"

Oy.
posted by zarq at 12:45 PM on May 29 [32 favorites]


Bill Maher's dramatic reading, complete with elevator music, makes it even better.
posted by bloggerwench at 1:00 PM on May 29


As someone whose monthly income comes in no small part from smutty novels, I would like to subscribe to this newsletter.

Hysterical. Thank you so much for sharing.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 1:02 PM on May 29 [4 favorites]


If there's ever a competition for best title of a MetaFilter FPP, I'm likely to nominate this one.

In completely unrelated news, I've just snorted lemonade out of my nose and slightly hurt myself laughing.
posted by Wordshore at 1:05 PM on May 29 [13 favorites]


Of course, Bill Maher got it wrong in the first sentence: "News Corp (the Fox News people)". News Corporation split off all its Fox divisions almost a year ago, including Fox News - yep, it's part of an Entertainment Company now, NOT a News company. Much of the ownership is still the same, especially Rupert Murdoch's dominant share, but the same could be said of Viacom & CBS, split in 2005 - some people still think CBS still owns Comedy Central - and Time Warner Cable and Time Warner, split in 2009 - not to mention AOL & Time Warner and, hey, Time AND Warner are now splitting up... it's hard to keep track of the big un-mergers when the big mergers make such big news.

Anyway, News Corp is now the Wall Street Journal people and the New York Post people, which make for as humorous a combination as Harlequin/Fox News, but probably harder for a hack like Maher to write.

It's hard to enjoy comedy with a deeply flawed premise (which is why Conservative Comedians are almost always unfunny).
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:08 PM on May 29 [7 favorites]


Wow Foop, how do you keep track of all that?
posted by JHarris at 1:20 PM on May 29


It's hard to enjoy comedy with a deeply flawed premise

Not to mention that forks didn't exist during the era that the story is based on and let's not forget the status of buttons!
posted by srboisvert at 1:20 PM on May 29 [11 favorites]


Will Murdoch replace the Fabio-looking-guy on all the covers?
posted by octobersurprise at 1:21 PM on May 29



Will Murdoch replace the Fabio-looking-guy on all the covers?


Not that I or my agent have been made aware of. Plus, my Tuesday shoot has not been cancelled.
posted by flarbuse at 1:27 PM on May 29 [13 favorites]


Up til this point, Harlequin was owned by TorStar, the company that publishes The Toronto Star, a fact that has always deeply amused me. Apparently romance novels and newspapers have some kind of natural affinity?
posted by jacquilynne at 1:30 PM on May 29


octobersurprise: "Will Murdoch replace the Fabio-looking-guy on all the covers?"

With Rand Paul.
posted by zarq at 1:31 PM on May 29 [4 favorites]


telegenic senate candidate beauregard white had just trounced his socialist opponent in the debate. his american flag lapel pin gleaming, his thundering oratory of bootstrap self-sufficiency and traditional values still echoing in the vacant hall, he was finally alone with his luscious college intern/gofer/sycophant. he put his arm around her, tousled her blondissimo hair, stared deep into her emerald eyes, and moved his other hand to the top of her loose taffeta dress, preparatory to osculating her erect nipple as the first step toward the manifest destiny of her end zone, and when he pulled it down far enough to expose said nipple, he stopped in awe.

she had the american flag lapel pin tattooed on it.
posted by bruce at 1:39 PM on May 29 [6 favorites]


In related news, it was announced that this will be the only series to be published from now on.
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:41 PM on May 29 [1 favorite]


the Fabio-looking-guy

You mean Fabio?
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 1:43 PM on May 29 [14 favorites]


Is he the Fabio-looking-guy?
posted by octobersurprise at 1:44 PM on May 29 [3 favorites]


Nah, not Rand Paul, I don't think. The guy the GOP is trying to sell as hunky is Paul Ryan. And to a lesser extent Scott Brown, but his prime hunkiness examples put forth by the GOP were from like 30 years ago (as opposed to recent examples of Ryan's), and moreover he has significantly less current political relevance.
posted by Flunkie at 1:45 PM on May 29


When I saw the headline, I thought, "Oh. A fpp on John McCain and Lindsey Graham."
posted by sporknado at 1:45 PM on May 29 [2 favorites]


The thread is turning out as roflmao if not more ... carry on... and really, there's fabio on metafilter?
posted by infini at 1:45 PM on May 29


>> octobersurprise: "Will Murdoch replace the Fabio-looking-guy on all the covers?"
>
> With Rand Paul.

With Rupert selfies.
posted by jfuller at 1:48 PM on May 29


Oy.

I know! That grocer's apostrophe just left me in despair for the state of literature today.
posted by rtha at 1:52 PM on May 29


In other news, one of the former Village People is appearing in a new Off-Broadway musical adaptation of an Ayn Rand novella.

I am not making this up.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:54 PM on May 29 [2 favorites]


The guy the GOP is trying to sell as hunky is Paul Ryan.

I know! Isn't that hilarious? He looks like the offspring of Screech Powers and a turtle. (No, not Lisa Turtle. A turtle.)
posted by Sys Rq at 2:04 PM on May 29 [5 favorites]


He looks like the offspring of Screech Powers and a turtle.

"Paul Ryan Can't Figure Out Why People Keep Mistaking Him For Anthony Weiner"
Wisconsinites keep mistaking Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) for other well-known politicians -- including Anthony Weiner.

"I've been confused for Anthony Weiner twice now. I don't know how this keeps happening," Ryan told a group of Republicans on Wednesday at an event in Mount Pleasant, Mich...The former vice presidential candidate went for some comic relief during his speech when he shared some of the more "humbling moments" he's experienced during his political career. Ryan recounted how one woman asked to take a picture with him in the Milwaukee airport because she mistook him for Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker (R).

"We got a person walking by to, you know, gave her a phone to take a picture," he said. "Then she said, 'It's so nice to finally meet you Gov. Walker. I've always wanted to meet you in person.'"

Soon after, he was mistaken for Weiner, the Democrat whose sexting scandals derailed first his career as a congressman from New York and later his bid to succeed Michael Bloomberg as mayor of New York City.

"I went on this flight a week later. And the flight attendants were looking at me and kind of whispering at each other and pointing," Ryan recalled. "And then, finally one of them comes up to me and says, 'You're somebody famous, aren't you? Are you Anthony Weiner?'"
posted by cjelli at 2:08 PM on May 29 [1 favorite]


I am not making this up.

We, 814567, are amused, even as we struggle to realize that others around us are not amused, so are "we" really part of the "we" or are "we" actually not? Deeply ponders "I"....
posted by infini at 2:10 PM on May 29


Paul F. Tompkins: You are never ready to see Fabio.
posted by davidjmcgee at 2:14 PM on May 29 [4 favorites]


why did Torstar sell them?
posted by PinkMoose at 2:18 PM on May 29


I've never been this aroused since Sarah Palin wrote my name on her hand.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 2:59 PM on May 29


pity crayon washes off so easily
posted by pyramid termite at 3:01 PM on May 29 [5 favorites]


The guy the GOP is trying to sell as hunky is Paul Ryan.

But he only does covers where he's the spunky newspaper reporter from Nebraska.
posted by corb at 3:06 PM on May 29 [1 favorite]


why did Torstar sell them?

Because real people stopped reading newspapers on account of their liberal bias.
posted by bicyclefish at 3:15 PM on May 29


And that’s when Hector the Orderly entered the scene. He was unlike any man she’d ever met. He was black, and full of a powerful energy, much like clean coal.

He pulled out his Obamaphone and asked, "Babe, should I order a couple of T-bone steaks?"
posted by T.D. Strange at 3:24 PM on May 29


In other news, one of the former Village People is appearing in a new Off-Broadway musical adaptation of an Ayn Rand novella.

You realise that they became famous for singing about Christian youth clubs and the value of a military career, don't you? This is the logical extension of his earlier career.
posted by Joe in Australia at 3:30 PM on May 29 [6 favorites]


Maher says "dark", not "black" describing Hector as in the transcript.
posted by telstar at 4:34 PM on May 29


Rupert Murdoch thrusts Harlequin romance books deep inside his company
posted by taichiofthedamned at 5:12 PM on May 29 [2 favorites]


Apparently romance novels and newspapers have some kind of natural affinity?

Paper quality.
posted by condour75 at 5:23 PM on May 29


When I saw the headline, I thought, "Oh. A fpp on John McCain and Lindsey Graham."

It's about time the ol' Maverick finally put a ring on it
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 5:51 PM on May 29 [3 favorites]


"I went on this flight a week later. And the flight attendants were looking at me and kind of whispering at each other and pointing," Ryan recalled. "And then, finally one of them comes up to me and says, 'You're somebody famous, aren't you? Are you Anthony Weiner?'"

I call 100% BS on this story. If a flight attendant would like to know who you are, they have a handy passenger manifest that lists your name. No way in hell they would risk offending someone like that.
posted by wierdo at 6:06 PM on May 29 [7 favorites]


Murdoch has owned Avon Books, the romance publisher who put Fabio on the map (and published several romances penned by the beefcake himself), for over a decade already.
posted by apparently at 6:26 PM on May 29


Right-wing politics + romance novels + OCR calibration issues = the right to bear anus.
posted by univac at 10:14 PM on May 29 [3 favorites]


Sometimes you get the bear, ...
posted by sebastienbailard at 10:40 PM on May 29


No way in hell they would risk offending someone like that.

I thought they were winding him up.
posted by pompomtom at 2:03 AM on May 30


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