"They all love them some Founding Fathers"
January 25, 2015 8:33 PM   Subscribe

"DES MOINES, IA – Word must have gone out early, either by word of mouth, or by all those social media platforms that conservatives have discovered since 2008, or perhaps by that strange wingnut telepathy only practiced by the true initiates who know all the conjuring words. (People could make Lois Lerner jokes secure in the knowledge that every single person in Iowa who would find them funny was somewhere in the hall.) In any case, the rhetoric at the Iowa Freedom Summit, hosted by Steve King and Citizens United, was startlingly muted. Oh, they hit all the proper notes. Liberty! Constitution! American exceptionalism! And the melodies were consistent; the first few bars were gloomy as they meandered through the many failures of the current administration, many of them largely imaginary, and then the final movement was all sunshine and rainbows and Republican promises of a brighter day. Every speech was like a Requiem Mass that concluded with a rousing chorus of 'Tomorrow.'" Charles P. Pierce of Esquire has some colorful choice words to say about the recent Iowa Freedom Summit.
posted by quiet earth (46 comments total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
 
"Have a deep bench" that # probably set a speed record.
posted by clavdivs at 8:45 PM on January 25, 2015


Goodbye Tea Party. This is the last time I will write or say your now irrelevant name. You will not be missed.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:49 PM on January 25, 2015 [4 favorites]


"We have a common cause,” Crow said. “None of us want Madam President.""

So, is this a bash on French, a steampunk remark Hiliary, or mere praise for Tia Leoni.
posted by clavdivs at 8:52 PM on January 25, 2015 [1 favorite]


“We have a common cause,” Crow said. “None of us want Madam President. There’s 50 million of us, 50 million conservatives, and when I say conservatives I mean Christian conservatives, right to life people, in addition to the Tea Party. If we activate those 50 million, we’re going to get our guy nominated. We’re going to contribute money. We’re going to have boots on the ground and everything that he needs or she needs to get the nomination.

But she's just getting what she needs for the nomination. Cause none of us want Madam President.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 8:56 PM on January 25, 2015


Steampunk Hillary is pretty terrifying.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 9:02 PM on January 25, 2015


Actually, and by now this shouldn’t be a surprise, Adams didn’t write that in his diary, and he didn’t write that near the end of his life. He wrote it in a letter to his wife, Abigail, in 1777.



“I must judge for myself, but how can I judge, how can any man judge, unless his mind has been opened and enlarged by reading.”

– John Adams
posted by clavdivs at 9:03 PM on January 25, 2015 [4 favorites]


“Bobby” Jindal was otherwise occupied running a revival meeting in Louisiana

Am I to read Bobby in that same sneering voice conservatives like to say Hussein? Gross.
posted by ddbeck at 9:04 PM on January 25, 2015 [6 favorites]


Steampunk Hillary is pretty terrifying.

On the contrary, Steampunk Hilary is glorious- leading the global assault on saxophones from the bridge of her silver battle dirigible. Only Doctor Antoine-Joseph Sax has any chance of stopping her, and he has retreated to his fortress beneath the Greenland ice pack.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:10 PM on January 25, 2015 [11 favorites]


All hail Tea Leoni.

Flying Blind 4 Eva.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:12 PM on January 25, 2015


Palin/Trump for America
posted by sammyo at 9:15 PM on January 25, 2015 [1 favorite]


It's almost like she wasn't properly vetted for a role for which she was utterly unqualified for, and ended up making everyone associated with the project look incompetent.

I bet they won't make that mistake again!
posted by CynicalKnight at 9:21 PM on January 25, 2015 [11 favorites]


This is why Jindal was "otherwise occupied."
As far as a political rhetoric, "bobby" is fare game. If someone announced him or greets him publicly as "bobby" well, there you have it.
I would posit "dick" Nixon as an example.
"Little Bobbie" as Hoover used to refer to RFK.
I'm sure Callender sic sp had some doozys.
posted by clavdivs at 9:22 PM on January 25, 2015 [1 favorite]


Bonono, agent Gallo, told us the supersecretnucleaisslesilo was in Iceland. This is when Happy sprung in about geologic instability, like Toby's hat.
posted by clavdivs at 9:27 PM on January 25, 2015


It's almost like she wasn't properly vetted for a role for which she was utterly unqualified for, and ended up making everyone associated with the project look incompetent.

Tea Leoni or Sarah Palin?
posted by davros42 at 9:38 PM on January 25, 2015


Am I to read Bobby in that same sneering voice conservatives like to say Hussein? Gross.

No, what's gross is that if you abandon your heritage to their vision of what an assimilated American "should" be then they'll accept you with open arms without accusations of being too foreign, never mind that Bobby Jindal isn't his real name and never was. He is acceptably avoidant of his birth name, so it's all right. I wonder if Obama would've been given the same benefit of the doubt if he'd dumped Hussein and made Barry his nickname instead. Probably not.

I also wonder if Jindal had married Jane Smith instead of his wife Supriya whether the Tea Party would be more pleased that he'd married a "real" American, or outraged about the miscegenation.

Ask what Jindal and Nikki Haley have in common that allowed them to gain access to the conservative heights. It's not a long list.
posted by 1adam12 at 9:40 PM on January 25, 2015


Among the growing list of bits of software I plan to write in my ever-shrinking free time is a parser that cross-links all of Charlie Pierce's nicknames for people with the article whence said sobriquet. Sure, Princess Dumbass of the Northwoods for Palin is simple and direct, but '"Bobby" Jindal' or Antonin "Short Time" Scalia may not be as easy to figure out.

Maybe I'll just send my resume to Esquire first.
posted by aureliobuendia at 10:07 PM on January 25, 2015 [4 favorites]


What I thought was gross was the idea that someone shouldn't have the dignity of going by their preferred name, no matter the reason or origin of that preference. So what if Bobby isn't the name that appears on his birth certificate? It's plainly the name he goes by in his public life and has done so since a young age, at least reportedly. Yes, it's unfair the way America encourages immigrant families to abandon their heritage, but it seems doubly unfair to belittle individuals for choosing any particular way of coping with those demands.
posted by ddbeck at 10:09 PM on January 25, 2015 [12 favorites]


Palin starts speech. Teleprompter breaks down. Hilarity ensues.

About running for President: "Without putting any words in my mouth, you can absolutely say that I'm seriously interested."

"We don’t sit on our thumbs this next time when one of our own is being crucified and falsely accused of whatever the hip accusation of the day happens to be — racism, sexism, whatever."

"It is they who point a finger not realizing that they have triple that amount of fingers pointing right back at them revealing that they are the ones who really discriminate and divide on color and class and sex."
posted by JackFlash at 10:33 PM on January 25, 2015 [6 favorites]


🐘🍼👍
posted by clavdivs at 10:40 PM on January 25, 2015


Palin running for President would be embarrassing and awkward for everyone, like that drunk guy at a party who has had way too much and thinks he's the life of the party, while everyone else wishes he'd just quietly go away.
posted by xedrik at 10:42 PM on January 25, 2015 [4 favorites]


I loves me some CPP, agree with him about 99% of the time, and think his irreverence and attitude are an American treasure. Don't quit, brother, keep pissing them off and telling the truth until your last day. I actually come close to worshiping the witty, sassy bastid.
posted by scottymac at 10:46 PM on January 25, 2015 [4 favorites]


What I thought was gross was the idea that someone shouldn't have the dignity of going by their preferred name, no matter the reason or origin of that preference.

For a while, Charles Pierce was referring to Lindsey Graham as "Huckleberry Closetcase", and I guess enough people complained that he changed it to "Huckleberry Butchmeup", which maybe isn't quite as direct, but still sends the message that he's feminine and/or possibly gay, which IMHO isn't cool.

Pierce is a superb writer that I rarely miss a post or article from, but I think he sometimes he should leave mean-spirited digs like these on the proverbial cutting room floor.
posted by tonycpsu at 10:51 PM on January 25, 2015 [3 favorites]


P. S. I do not believe I care less than he does, but I wish I could write as vibrantly as he does without plagiarizing him. And upon review, agreeing with tonycpsu that he can at times be a bit mean spirited. Hard to blame him much after what we have witnessed starting with Goldwater through today.
posted by scottymac at 11:02 PM on January 25, 2015


Think I'm missing something here...

In 2003, Reyes was three-years old and she came to the United States from Mazatlan... She lived the undocumented life until the president’s executive order allowed her to get a driver’s license and to buy a new house in Waterloo.

How does a 14/15 year old get a driver's licence and buy a house?
posted by GhostintheMachine at 3:53 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


She bought back in 2007, when she was seven. Lending practices were looser back then.
posted by rdr at 4:16 AM on January 26, 2015 [19 favorites]


No, what's gross is that if you abandon your heritage to their vision of what an assimilated American "should" be then they'll accept you with open arms without accusations of being too foreign, never mind that Bobby Jindal isn't his real name and never was.

I have no respect for Jindal, but this is not OK. You don't get to decide if someone is performing their ethnicity to your standards. In doing so, you do the same as the people you criticize for judging "how ethnic" someone is, just from the other direction.
posted by zennie at 6:44 AM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]


In 2012, the primary process became a circus, not simply because of the stunning array of lightweight loons who made up the field

"Lightweight loons," this is the phrase I have been needing. How else to describe the vacuous hole in reality that is Louie Gohmert?

Also, new Tx Gov. Abbott had the country band "Lady Antebellum" play at his inauguration. As far as I can tell it's a generic country band, but that name makes me give some serious side-eye.
posted by emjaybee at 7:43 AM on January 26, 2015


When that great jackass Sarah P says "We don’t sit on our thumbs. . . " does she mean "put our thumb up our ass?" Is she conflating "sit on our hands" and "thumb up our ass?"

Or is her mind in aglow with whirling transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.
posted by feste at 7:44 AM on January 26, 2015 [7 favorites]


“'The man can only ride you when your back is bent,” Palin said


Did Sarah Palin just get possessed by the ghost of Huey P. Newton? Is this a brilliant idea for a re-make of All Of Me? Gladys- get me a line to Weinstein's office!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:01 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


It's not Newton. She's quoting MLK, well not quoting exactly, she is Sarah Palin.
posted by rdr at 8:25 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


I might have gone to see this simply for the beyond-surreal spectacle of Caribou Barbie evoking the specter of The Man.
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:46 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


Palin--

"It is they who point a finger not realizing that they have triple that amount of fingers pointing right back at them..."

She forgot, "I'm rubber, you're glue, what bounces off of me, sticks to you!"


"...a pantsuit can crush patriots.”

Sweet Holy Hillary, this has got to be her best line yet!
posted by BlueHorse at 9:00 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


[...] and I doubt if obvious anagram Reince Priebus, the emptiest suit in American politics [...]

Cue brier penis?
posted by Fezboy! at 9:51 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


Epic Rube Siren
posted by ryanrs at 10:24 AM on January 26, 2015 [9 favorites]


Pierces Brunei.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:31 AM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]


Or "Crib Pees Urine."
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:32 AM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]


Pubic Sneer Ire?
posted by Cookiebastard at 10:44 AM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


We laugh and laugh, and they're all gearing up to vote.

It doesn't really matter that they're scared idiots running from ghosts. They are going to vote. Blindly, senselessly, reflexively. They are all going to vote for the biggest ooziest piece of red meat in a dark suit that's available. It doesn't really matter who it is.

And many of us will sit on the sideline smugly Being Right instead of fighting to win.

I wish I believed Pierce was right in his presumption that the myriad strands of far-right hysteria will devolve into a shoving match that will cripple any GOP candidate through the primary process. But I don't believe it. The Right has no institutional memory. It has no fundamental principles. There is no yesterday and there will be no tomorrow; there is only the eternal now, where queers are gonna herd your family into death camps for praying to white Jesus, any moment, better guard the door. There is only the shadow of impending liberal persecution, sketched prettily on direct-mail stationery, riddled with buzzwords and phrasing designed to do exactly two things: extract money and produce votes.

These folks are gonna vote for whatever head of great hair the GOP tells them to, regardless of what the 'do said in the primaries. Because the alternative is... what?

While we laugh, millions brainwash themselves.

I don't have a solution. And damn if I don't love me some Charles P. Pierce. But it seems like I read variations on this article every few years, while the infection only deepens.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 11:06 AM on January 26, 2015 [7 favorites]


I don't really believe that the infection deepens. In the sixties it was the Birchers, in the seventies, the Reagan Democrats and the Moral Majority--all this shit has been here for a long time. The names change, but the semi-fascists, and low information racists, and conspiracy-theorists have been with us all along.
posted by feste at 11:37 AM on January 26, 2015


I don't have a solution.

*waves hands frantically* I do I do! First, hack into the systems of whomever schedules Mark Penn's travel arrangements, so that it'll take him at least two years to get back from whatever hellhole he ends up in. Then, hire Obama's election team before the GOP clown car jamboree shakes out to Mitt Romney whomever looks the least crazy on Super Tuesday Mitt Romney.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:55 AM on January 26, 2015


"Lightweight loons"
I assume this doesn't include Christie??
posted by MtDewd at 12:29 PM on January 26, 2015


[Sarah Palin] also had a brilliant idea to move all the Cabinet departments out of Washington. Why not move the Department of Agriculture to Iowa, she suggested, where somebody who knows something about agriculture could run it. The Secretary of Agriculture is Tom Vilsack. Once, he was a governor. Of Iowa. Oh, dear.
Palin starts speech. Teleprompter breaks down.

Reading from a Teleprompter, Sarah Palin mocks President Obama for using a Teleprompter
posted by kirkaracha at 1:02 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]


Palin running for President would be embarrassing and awkward for everyone, like that drunk guy at a party who has had way too much and thinks he's the life of the party, while everyone else wishes he'd just quietly go away.

Nah, Palin reminds me of this girl I used to hang out with a lot who was a party animal extraordinaire. The really great thing about her--and I suspect the actually-likely-to-get-the-nom Republicans view Palin in the same way--was this: no matter how drunk or high you were, no matter whose pants you were wearing on your head, no matter how many potted plants you were urinating in, my friend was nearby doing worse. (I hasten to add, she--unlike Palin--was a pretty awesome person, could form coherent sentences, and was generally fabulous to be around sober or not. She just had a thing about going to extremes.)
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:10 PM on January 26, 2015


For a while, Charles Pierce was referring to Lindsey Graham as "Huckleberry Closetcase", and I guess enough people complained that he changed it to "Huckleberry Butchmeup", which maybe isn't quite as direct, but still sends the message that he's feminine and/or possibly gay, which IMHO isn't cool.

Pierce is a superb writer that I rarely miss a post or article from, but I think he sometimes he should leave mean-spirited digs like these on the proverbial cutting room floor


I always think the nickname is to pin a tag on self-loathing saber-rattling peal-clutching closet-case as a self-loathing saber-rattling peal-clutching closet-case but YMMV.
posted by Ber at 2:41 PM on January 26, 2015


I have never seen "ratfker" in print before. Is this a new way of writing "ratfucker", and does that imply something very specific that requires use of the term?
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 1:45 PM on January 27, 2015


Let Me Urban Dictionary That For You
posted by tonycpsu at 11:28 AM on January 28, 2015


« Older SS Pieter Schelte   |   Fingers Crossed for Next Time ROU_Xenophobe Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments