I open up my wallet and it's full of blood
January 27, 2015 7:13 PM Subscribe
Well, this is (appropriately) the second season finale. I certainly hope it'll be back next year, though.
posted by DoctorFedora at 7:36 PM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by DoctorFedora at 7:36 PM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I meant just "goes away for the off season." Surely this column must start up again when the next still-broken Madden comes out!
posted by sparkletone at 7:44 PM on January 27, 2015
posted by sparkletone at 7:44 PM on January 27, 2015
He spent the offseason last year breaking NBA 2K14 (amongst other things) there will be more, I'm sure of it.
He's a wonderful companion in Internet humor to Mallory Ortberg.
posted by davros42 at 7:45 PM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
He's a wonderful companion in Internet humor to Mallory Ortberg.
posted by davros42 at 7:45 PM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
This is fundamentally a column about setting up and recording video game glitches and writing about them. How is it that this can be so sublime? Why can it bring tears to the eyes?
posted by figurant at 7:47 PM on January 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by figurant at 7:47 PM on January 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
oh god fuck this post i have a terrible stomach virus and laughing wildly is doing VERY BAD THINGS im so mad help
posted by poffin boffin at 7:48 PM on January 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 7:48 PM on January 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
ALL THE MILKS!
posted by eriko at 7:58 PM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by eriko at 7:58 PM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
Never count out Touchdown Tom.
posted by eriko at 7:58 PM on January 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by eriko at 7:58 PM on January 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
I laughed so hard I cried at the ending montage. Par for the course for a Jon Bois article.
posted by codacorolla at 7:59 PM on January 27, 2015
posted by codacorolla at 7:59 PM on January 27, 2015
Oh, yeah.
BEEFTANK. CLARENCE F. BEEFTANK
#98 4EVAR
posted by eriko at 7:59 PM on January 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
BEEFTANK. CLARENCE F. BEEFTANK
#98 4EVAR
posted by eriko at 7:59 PM on January 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
But seriously -- Jon Bois has a gift. He gets story. And they're magnificent.
posted by eriko at 8:00 PM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by eriko at 8:00 PM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh, I remember this! I know nothing about sports but that does not stop it being funny. Although quite different, it does remind me of the fantastic Living in Oblivion, not starring Peter Dinklage.
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 8:08 PM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 8:08 PM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
God, I thought it was just a joke that Madden releases the same game each year with updated jerseys.
It stops counting points above 255? They're using ONE BYTE of data for each team's score?! Did they write this code back when Madden himself was still playing?
posted by Riki tiki at 8:13 PM on January 27, 2015 [16 favorites]
It stops counting points above 255? They're using ONE BYTE of data for each team's score?! Did they write this code back when Madden himself was still playing?
posted by Riki tiki at 8:13 PM on January 27, 2015 [16 favorites]
i laughed harder at this than anything else in a week.
posted by rebent at 8:16 PM on January 27, 2015
posted by rebent at 8:16 PM on January 27, 2015
I actively HATE football, football culture and football video games and yet something about Breaking Madden fills me with glee and delight every. single. column.
To the point that little Typechip gets bottles of 'milks' because BEEFTANK is a delight.
posted by FritoKAL at 8:24 PM on January 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
To the point that little Typechip gets bottles of 'milks' because BEEFTANK is a delight.
posted by FritoKAL at 8:24 PM on January 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
It stops counting points above 255? They're using ONE BYTE of data for each team's score?! Did they write this code back when Madden himself was still playing?
Surely the folks at EA have seen these columns by now.
Come on, EA folks, this is your chance. Next year you need to make the limit some ridiculously arbitrary number like 372.
posted by equalpants at 8:39 PM on January 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
Surely the folks at EA have seen these columns by now.
Come on, EA folks, this is your chance. Next year you need to make the limit some ridiculously arbitrary number like 372.
posted by equalpants at 8:39 PM on January 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
Surely the folks at EA have seen these columns by now.
Previously.
I don't quite believe it's true but, hey, it's not out of the realm of possibility. I've seen worse.
posted by JoeZydeco at 8:44 PM on January 27, 2015
Previously.
I don't quite believe it's true but, hey, it's not out of the realm of possibility. I've seen worse.
posted by JoeZydeco at 8:44 PM on January 27, 2015
Riki tiki: "It stops counting points above 255? They're using ONE BYTE of data for each team's score?! Did they write this code back when Madden himself was still playing?"
Heh, from the September 3 column:
Heh, from the September 3 column:
Folks who know far more about programming than I did found this bizarre.
From Metafilter:
Also, how about a game release for the Xbox 360 in 2013
that stops counting points because it stores the score in a byte.posted by Bugbread at 8:57 PM on January 27, 2015 [5 favorites] I see that Chip Dipson made the Seahawks roster and I have alerted Jordan Jesse Go.
posted by Kwine at 9:35 PM on January 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Kwine at 9:35 PM on January 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
Noticed the name Air Budd Dwyer for a Pat DE. Oh god, the gleeful, guilty, shameful laughter.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 10:21 PM on January 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by [expletive deleted] at 10:21 PM on January 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
Oh dear god help this is funny
I follow football so very little
Yet still I am laughing into my pillow
posted by armoir from antproof case at 11:39 PM on January 27, 2015
I follow football so very little
Yet still I am laughing into my pillow
posted by armoir from antproof case at 11:39 PM on January 27, 2015
"Kiss me, you're beautiful — these are truly the last days."
posted by ZipRibbons at 12:54 AM on January 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by ZipRibbons at 12:54 AM on January 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
This is fundamentally a column about setting up and recording video game glitches and writing about them. How is it that this can be so sublime? Why can it bring tears to the eyes?
1. Jon Bois' writing. It isn't easy coming up with ways to describe similar things (MASSIVE FAILURES) in ways that they continue to be novel, but by Jove, Bois does it.
2. Madden is a fertile field of glitches. EA knows they have an audience that will not fail to buy their game every year, and so accord it the quality control you would expect a big corporation to assign to a guaranteed sure thing.
3. Madden's camera moving facility combined with the effort Bois puts into finding the perfect angle from which to view a fiasco. Lots of people won't find themselves able to look away from a train wreck, but not a lot of people have the aesthetic sense to find the most pleasing spray of shattered metal.
posted by JHarris at 4:13 AM on January 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
1. Jon Bois' writing. It isn't easy coming up with ways to describe similar things (MASSIVE FAILURES) in ways that they continue to be novel, but by Jove, Bois does it.
2. Madden is a fertile field of glitches. EA knows they have an audience that will not fail to buy their game every year, and so accord it the quality control you would expect a big corporation to assign to a guaranteed sure thing.
3. Madden's camera moving facility combined with the effort Bois puts into finding the perfect angle from which to view a fiasco. Lots of people won't find themselves able to look away from a train wreck, but not a lot of people have the aesthetic sense to find the most pleasing spray of shattered metal.
posted by JHarris at 4:13 AM on January 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
(And Jon Bois, if you end up reading this thread, know this: there are not a lot of people Metafilter comes around to awarding unanimous acclaim to. Roger Ebert, Fred Rogers, Kate Beaton, Allie Brosh, Mallery Ortberg and you are the big ones that come to mind. Please don't let this fact unsettle you.)
posted by JHarris at 4:15 AM on January 28, 2015
posted by JHarris at 4:15 AM on January 28, 2015
The Godspeed! soundtrack on the trailer is what pushes this over the edge.
posted by Dr Dracator at 4:50 AM on January 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Dr Dracator at 4:50 AM on January 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
Having watched the Dark Crystal, I think I've got my share of criticisms of Jim Henson, limited as they may be
posted by DoctorFedora at 5:21 AM on January 28, 2015
posted by DoctorFedora at 5:21 AM on January 28, 2015
EA knows they have an audience that will not fail to buy their game every year, and so accord it the quality control you would expect a big corporation to assign to a guaranteed sure thing.
It's the kind of thing that helped EA get the top spot in Consumerist's Worst Corporation in America playoff two years in a row, although Dragon Age: Inquisition seems to have demonstrated that EA (or at least BioWare) has learned its lesson from the Mass Effect 3 debacle.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:23 AM on January 28, 2015
It's the kind of thing that helped EA get the top spot in Consumerist's Worst Corporation in America playoff two years in a row, although Dragon Age: Inquisition seems to have demonstrated that EA (or at least BioWare) has learned its lesson from the Mass Effect 3 debacle.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:23 AM on January 28, 2015
Beauuuutiful.
posted by Faintdreams at 5:23 AM on January 28, 2015
posted by Faintdreams at 5:23 AM on January 28, 2015
The Godspeed! soundtrack on the trailer is what pushes this over the edge.
I think his taste in music is pretty different from mine, but his soundtrack choices are always perfect.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:01 AM on January 28, 2015
I think his taste in music is pretty different from mine, but his soundtrack choices are always perfect.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:01 AM on January 28, 2015
>...the $168.57 a schoolteacher spends on his own supplies for his second-grade class because Roger needs tax money to pour some more concrete by the waterfront...
Every word and frame of this is brilliant.
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:22 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Every word and frame of this is brilliant.
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:22 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Roger Ebert, Fred Rogers, Kate Beaton, Allie Brosh, Mallery Ortberg and you are the big ones that come to mind
Don't forget Brian Philips and Charlie Brooker!
I was thinking earlier how awesome it'd be to get all these people together to write for a single newspaper/website, but I've since realised that the site I'm imagining is actually called metafilter. In the unlikely event these Gods stop writing well, they'll stop being posted here too.
posted by BigCalm at 7:51 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Don't forget Brian Philips and Charlie Brooker!
I was thinking earlier how awesome it'd be to get all these people together to write for a single newspaper/website, but I've since realised that the site I'm imagining is actually called metafilter. In the unlikely event these Gods stop writing well, they'll stop being posted here too.
posted by BigCalm at 7:51 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
It stops counting points above 255? They're using ONE BYTE of data for each team's score?! Did they write this code back when Madden himself was still playing?
It gets worse, since apparently scoring enough points to reach an (uncounted) ~400 will consistently make the game bug out. I do love that he discovered a theoretically valid method to score infinite points in a football game.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 8:36 AM on January 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
It gets worse, since apparently scoring enough points to reach an (uncounted) ~400 will consistently make the game bug out. I do love that he discovered a theoretically valid method to score infinite points in a football game.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 8:36 AM on January 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
This is awesome, and I vote that the Superbowl and perhaps the entire NFL should be replaced by Breaking Madden.
This is what I choose to perceive as the consequence of setting players' Awareness ratings to 99. Their awareness extends beyond football. They have achieved sentience.
A curious game. The only winning move is not to play.
posted by nubs at 8:44 AM on January 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
This is what I choose to perceive as the consequence of setting players' Awareness ratings to 99. Their awareness extends beyond football. They have achieved sentience.
A curious game. The only winning move is not to play.
posted by nubs at 8:44 AM on January 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Loving this hipster football aesthetic.
posted by oceanjesse at 9:41 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by oceanjesse at 9:41 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Two of my friends have been having a friendly competition of trying to get on the rosters this season (both managing it once) and now one of them, a Pats fan, gets to be LT for New England in the Superbowl.
He says it's his dream come true.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:42 AM on January 28, 2015
He says it's his dream come true.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:42 AM on January 28, 2015
oh god fuck this post i have a terrible stomach virus and laughing wildly is doing VERY BAD THINGS im so mad help
I laughed so hard that I had an asthma attack and had to flail for my inhaler. And I am not even kidding.
posted by mudpuppie at 12:26 PM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I laughed so hard that I had an asthma attack and had to flail for my inhaler. And I am not even kidding.
posted by mudpuppie at 12:26 PM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I've just realized that he's been doing these all season. I think I'm in for a very funny night.
posted by Four Flavors at 3:11 PM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Four Flavors at 3:11 PM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
It stops counting points above 255? They're using ONE BYTE of data for each team's score?! Did they write this code back when Madden himself was still playing?
I briefly worked on a, um, popular last-gen football video game, and let me tell you, there were so many stats tracked (multiplied by every game for multiple seasons), that we absolutely needed to save that extra byte.
The fact that it crashes, though, is because the development schedule is impossible, which results in sloppy code. More than ten thousand bugs were logged per annual release when I was there, and I doubt it's gotten much better.
posted by Sibrax at 3:43 PM on January 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
I briefly worked on a, um, popular last-gen football video game, and let me tell you, there were so many stats tracked (multiplied by every game for multiple seasons), that we absolutely needed to save that extra byte.
The fact that it crashes, though, is because the development schedule is impossible, which results in sloppy code. More than ten thousand bugs were logged per annual release when I was there, and I doubt it's gotten much better.
posted by Sibrax at 3:43 PM on January 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
I briefly worked on a, um, popular last-gen football video game, and let me tell you, there were so many stats tracked (multiplied by every game for multiple seasons), that we absolutely needed to save that extra byte.
Can't you just keep all that stuff in the save file? It seems unlikely that you'd need to keep the number of yds gained from 29 games back in RAM for quick reference while simulating the current game. At the very least you could track fewer stats. This seems like poor design.
posted by JHarris at 3:59 PM on January 28, 2015
Can't you just keep all that stuff in the save file? It seems unlikely that you'd need to keep the number of yds gained from 29 games back in RAM for quick reference while simulating the current game. At the very least you could track fewer stats. This seems like poor design.
posted by JHarris at 3:59 PM on January 28, 2015
They know that they are little artificial intelligences, incubating in a plastic box. They know what is happening, and they know it is bad.
I'm not sure, but I think Jon Bois just admitted he's actually a copy of Madden that was left running for way too long.
posted by Grimgrin at 10:31 PM on January 28, 2015
I'm not sure, but I think Jon Bois just admitted he's actually a copy of Madden that was left running for way too long.
posted by Grimgrin at 10:31 PM on January 28, 2015
I posted this to the two Super bowl party events I was invited to via Facebook. I'd say it's 49%/49% Seahawks/ Packers fans with a 2% smattering of others. The outrage and shit talking has been truly epic. This, combined with the partially inflated Patriots balloons we ordered should make for a memorable super bowl. Thank you Jon Bois, thank you for the delightful and ongoing entertainment.
Although your gifs eat all. the. data. There has to be a better way to post short videos.
posted by fshgrl at 11:48 PM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Although your gifs eat all. the. data. There has to be a better way to post short videos.
posted by fshgrl at 11:48 PM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
How have I never heard of Breaking Madden? This is the best thing ever. I'm laughing so hard. The Johnny Manziel endless run thing is so gorgeous, spilling well into the territory of poetry. Thanks for the post.
posted by sleevener at 9:53 AM on January 29, 2015
posted by sleevener at 9:53 AM on January 29, 2015
For the record. My BEEFTANK jersey just arrived.
Yep. And I promise you that I will be drinking milks or beers when I'm wearing it.
#BEEFTANK4EVAR
posted by eriko at 10:33 PM on February 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
Yep. And I promise you that I will be drinking milks or beers when I'm wearing it.
#BEEFTANK4EVAR
posted by eriko at 10:33 PM on February 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
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I'm hoping it doesn't entirely go away once the football season's over, but I'll understand if it does.
posted by sparkletone at 7:30 PM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]