Fiddle...sticks.

June 19, 2015 1:50 PM

Taming of the Fuckery is graduate design student Sneha Keshav's 100 day project to identify colorful alternatives to the formerly taboo but now all too ubiquitous 'F-Word' and display them creatively. If you don't like it, you can Go Hug a Porcupine, because I Don't Give a Tiny Rat's Buttcrack.
posted by oneswellfoop (57 comments total)

...except he didn't actually say "fudge"
posted by surazal at 1:53 PM on June 19, 2015

this is what you get when you find a stranger in the alps!
posted by boo_radley at 1:56 PM on June 19, 2015 [9 favorites]

I grew up mostly fuck-free (in more ways than one) and when I was doing a comedy show on a college radio station, the biggest thing was George Carlin's "Seven Words You Can't Say on Television", which I couldn't play, until I spent a few hours in the editing room, substituting cartoon sound effects for them. Every 'fuck' was replaced with this. Nice effect. Sadly, the original tape was lost soon after I left radio.
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:57 PM on June 19, 2015

This reminded me instantly of Brett Anderson (of Suede) favourite insult: go piss up a rope.
posted by lmfsilva at 2:07 PM on June 19, 2015

lmfsilva: Obligatory Ween link.
posted by cardioid at 2:10 PM on June 19, 2015 [3 favorites]

Assclown's gonna assclown.
posted by cstross at 2:14 PM on June 19, 2015

At one time in my working life, I had a boss who 'chided' by his boss for overusing 'fuck' in his in-office language. I suggested to him that, since his favorite variation was to say "oh, fuck a duck", he just replace it with "quack" (btw, this predated the Aflac duck). Within a week, he had declared himself the Grand Duck, his sub-department the Duck Pond and had given 'ducknames' to everyone reporting to him: DangerDuck, DazzleDuck, a student intern who played College basketball SlamDuck... and I, as his Official Assistant was DuckWing (this also predated Darkwing Duck). Or was until we had an off-topic political conversation where he decided I was too liberal so I was renamed PinkoFlamingo, which he regretted when I brought in a bunch of little plastic and plush flamingos to put around my cubicle. That was one time he definately said "oh, fuck" (I think it was actually "oh, fuck a flamingo").
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:17 PM on June 19, 2015 [13 favorites]

I go with "fiddlesticks" as an exclamation and try to avoid using the f-word as an expression AT anyone. Expressing a polite observation that the egregious party spawns from camel dung is so more satisfying.
posted by sammyo at 2:23 PM on June 19, 2015

Shut the front door.
posted by maryr at 2:48 PM on June 19, 2015 [1 favorite]

'Fuck a flamingo' is pretty good, gotta remember that one.
posted by maryr at 2:52 PM on June 19, 2015 [1 favorite]

You can fucking take my fuck when you fucking pry it from my fucking cold, fucking dead, tongue.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:53 PM on June 19, 2015 [3 favorites]

I had tired of the overuse of that word when I was in basic training. Earlier, Norman Mailer, in his fine WWII novel The Naked and the Dead used Fug as a substitute and that was considered either inappropriate or a breakthrough. It has been uphill or, if you prefer, downhill since.
posted by Postroad at 2:57 PM on June 19, 2015 [1 favorite]

You're the vulgarian, you fuck!
posted by a lungful of dragon at 3:08 PM on June 19, 2015 [1 favorite]

My wife suggested swapping out "oh, fuck" when something goes wrong and replacing it with a brightly-exclaimed "Plot twist!"

It really does make things a lot of fun.
posted by nickmark at 3:11 PM on June 19, 2015 [34 favorites]

Rats don't have buttcracks. You silly fuck.
posted by Splunge at 3:13 PM on June 19, 2015 [1 favorite]

That's how much I care, the size of a non-existent animal body feature.
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:15 PM on June 19, 2015 [2 favorites]

It's all in the phonetics of the words, not the fact that the words are deemed obscene. Hitting your thumb with a hammer demands the catharsis of an "F" followed by a "K". A smushy ending word like "Fudge" just aint gonna cut it.

Back when I managed a branch library, my insult of choice among staff when referring to grumpy patrons was "Dipstick" (thank you, Sheriff Coltrane). There's something and the double short "i" and the consonants surrounding them that is satisfying.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 3:27 PM on June 19, 2015

Hitting your thumb with a hammer demands the catharsis of an "F" followed by a "K".

Ive always found a scream and holding my breath until the pain passes helpful. Also a "GAAAAR!"

I'm not against swearing, but it ends up being funny later.

-sadly frequent toe stubber, as well as randomly hitting knees, elbows, etc on pretty much everything.
posted by discopolo at 3:55 PM on June 19, 2015

A smushy ending word like "Fudge" just aint gonna cut it.
That's why "funk", "freak", "fark" and sci-fi's beloved "frak" are my preferred substitutes. Although I know a guy named Fred whose personality makes it appropriate for his name to come up in such cases.

I was happy when MetaFilter introduced me to "asshat" as an alternative to "asshole".

And Red Dwarf gave me "smeg" for "shit". I still use the original for one purpose, because nothing substitutes for "batshit insane" (and I tried "batguano insane", meh.)

Like what Carlin said about different contexts, I also like the saying "Better to be pissed off than pissed on".

But there's no better substitute for "motherfucker" than "metafilter".
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:05 PM on June 19, 2015 [3 favorites]

I was happy when MetaFilter introduced me to "asshat" as an alternative to "asshole"

Ironically, I think it was Fark that popularized that term
posted by thelonius at 4:15 PM on June 19, 2015

I thought the smeg in Red Dwarf meant jizz!
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 4:21 PM on June 19, 2015

Well, Fark introduced me to "fark", and after that, I stopped paying attention to them.
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:22 PM on June 19, 2015 [1 favorite]

And 'smeg' was taken from the real-life body substance smegma, but 'smeghead' just sounded so right...
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:25 PM on June 19, 2015 [1 favorite]

My wife suggested swapping out "oh, fuck" when something goes wrong and replacing it with a brightly-exclaimed "Plot twist!"

Your wife is a genius.

A co-worker of mine once said "We're from the Quentin Tarantino generation -- we use 'fuck' as a comma." The World of Warcraft guild I'm in is family-friendly, so whenever I'm in the mood to play, I have to make some adjustments. It's been a while and I've forgotten what my fuck-substitute was, but I got a lot of mileage out of 'shirt'.
posted by rifflesby at 4:37 PM on June 19, 2015

"Go drink a cup of hot rat semen" still gets a reaction.

Vivid imagery, people. Vivid imagery.
posted by Harvey Jerkwater at 5:09 PM on June 19, 2015 [2 favorites]

all too ubiquitous 'F-Word'

So that's what they mean by "boring as 'fuck'."
posted by straight at 5:17 PM on June 19, 2015 [2 favorites]

One of my favorite bits of subtle characterization in video games is Rochelle from Left 4 Dead 2. Rochelle's background (I'm not sure it comes up during the game) is that she's a TV news producer who is often on set. As such, she uses a lot of not-profanity, the way it would be prudent to train oneself to do if one were spending a lot of time near live TV cameras.
posted by Pope Guilty at 5:19 PM on June 19, 2015

When I was a kid in a conservative southern town, I picked up "bloody" from Monty Python and many other UK shows that aired on PBS. It was an obscenity I could even get away with at my repressive Christian school, as well as with the parents, so it's stuck with me.

Meanwhile, my good Mormon friends would frequently express their disdain for "MELONFARMERS!!"
posted by honestcoyote at 5:23 PM on June 19, 2015

obligatory Canadian contribution: fuddleduddle.

It spawned a funky musical tribute and a pop number too , as well as a ski run and a comic strip!
posted by chapps at 5:33 PM on June 19, 2015

[fuddle duddle is best paired with the Trudeau Finger]
posted by chapps at 5:37 PM on June 19, 2015

And 'bloody' is considered more risqué in the UK than the US.

During my time in the Radio Biz, I was amazed and impressed by the disc jockeys and other announcers who could turn on and off the 'inappropriate language' at a second's notice, and who JUST KNEW when the broadcast mic was on or off.
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:52 PM on June 19, 2015

sammyo: I go with "fiddlesticks" as an exclamation

Similarly, if I'm in a Dennis the Menace mood, I'll use "fiddle-faddle" and shout for Martha to bring me my nerve medicine.
posted by dr_dank at 6:26 PM on June 19, 2015

Nothing beats the Spanish equivalent of "fucking damn it" which translates into "I shit in the communion wafers."
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 6:27 PM on June 19, 2015 [5 favorites]

I C what U did there, item. And it is interesting how "the c-word" is the one of Carlin's original Seven that has fallen out of favor with many supporters of 'uncensored language', as it has become the Sexist equivalent to "the n-word" for Racists.

Another side issue, about the slogan Smucker's Preserves has been using for nearly 50 years "With a name like Smucker's, it has to be good", unaffected by the early Saturday Night Live sketch that changed it to Flucker's and made it clear to a lot of the people who wondered "what's wrong with the name Smucker's?"

But for cartoon swearing, nobody did it better than Mel Blanc as Yosemite Sam: "rackin' frackin' flim flam frassin' rassin'..." I wish I could've heard the outtakes for that recording session...
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:35 PM on June 19, 2015 [2 favorites]

I relied heavily on Yosemite Sam cussin' during my stint teaching school. It's very handy and usually gets across the right idea without getting me in trouble.
posted by asperity at 6:39 PM on June 19, 2015

I like the sci-fi cussing, like the aforementioned "smeg." And frak, which is the best "fuck" substitute. There's also "frell," though it doesn't have the kick of frak.

I also like "jackhole," which technically isn't a swear word but sure sounds like one.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:44 PM on June 19, 2015

'cuss.'
Yes, as I don't know of a good non-profane substitute for the original word, I often go with "clustercuss."
posted by obloquy at 7:11 PM on June 19, 2015 [2 favorites]

I gotta pay attention to this. I've started working out at a Y that has a "No Profanity" rule on its bolded list of gym requirements, which carry a summary cancellation policy. I am concerned that my involuntary "oh god DAMN it" on the Nautilus will carry consequences if I am not careful.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:27 PM on June 19, 2015

But can I tell you to Go Hug a Tiny Porcupine's Buttcrack? If that is wrong, I don't want to be right.

(I am also famous for expressions like "Oh fudgemonkeys" and "Son of a biscuit EATER!")
posted by Samizdata at 8:04 PM on June 19, 2015

I once said "oh, shoot!" around a bunch of preschoolers, and was informed by one of them that shoot was a bad word. I don't know if it was bad because of guns, or bad because it was a substitute for shit. In general, I don't like to be told what not to say by children, but as it was during the middle of a library program I did not argue.

I don't make a lot of substitutions, but I had a friend in college who used the word "scud" as an all purpose cuss word. I wonder if he still uses it.
posted by Biblio at 8:05 PM on June 19, 2015

Thorzdad: "You can fucking take my fuck when you fucking pry it from my fucking cold, fucking dead, tongue."

Fucking watch your goddamnmotherfucking tongue, you vulgar fucker. There are fucking ladies in here, in case you fucking neglected to fucking notice.
posted by Samizdata at 8:05 PM on June 19, 2015

See, I'm an inveterate lover of the word fuck and all its derivatives.

But I now have a toddler which means I need all the inspiration I can possibly find before she gets kicked out of daycare.
posted by lydhre at 8:18 PM on June 19, 2015

jenfullmoon: "I like the sci-fi cussing, like the aforementioned "smeg." And frak, which is the best "fuck" substitute. There's also "frell," though it doesn't have the kick of frak.

I also like "jackhole," which technically isn't a swear word but sure sounds like one."

How about "frag"? Works well for me. Fragging, motherfragging, one who frags...

Or 笨天生的一堆肉。? BUN tyen-shung duh ee-DWAY-RO, or "Stupid Inbred Stack of Meat "
posted by Samizdata at 8:19 PM on June 19, 2015

One more personal story: At one time, I did a few 'open mike' nights at a lesser-known L.A. comedy club. Unlike the pros who were trying to polish 'the perfect five minutes', I was just working on my public speaking and messing around with whatever I could come up with in the previous week or two. One time a co-worker told me the most embarrassing story about his sex life, ending with his girlfriend asking him “When are you gonna learn how to fuck?” I commented “If any woman said that to me, I’d immediately sign up for a semester of intensive tutoring!” After I picked him up off the floor, he said “I wish I was quick-witted enough to have thought of that,” and I decided that the story – and comeback – could be part of a bit on relationships, because, frankly, nothing from my own personal experience was anywhere nearly as funny. I got scattered laughter as I told the club how my girlfriend had asked me “When are you gonna learn how to fuck?” and I signed up for a semester of intensive tutoring. But after I left the stage, the club's owner took me aside and told me I had violated one of the club’s rules about language… “But, I've heard other comedians say 'fuck'!” I plaintively responded. “Yes, but they just used it for emphasis, YOU used it as a VERB.” I wish I was quick-witted enough to have thought up a good response. ("Verb. It's what you do.")
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:23 PM on June 19, 2015

I'm enamored of "gosh all fish hooks" after its appearance in the "Voodoo Man" episode of Rifftrax.
posted by Foosnark at 8:50 PM on June 19, 2015

Whenever someone would use "fuck" in his presence, my boyfriend in college would declare, "Abstinence!" in the exact same tone of voice used by the other speaker but with a scandalized edge. One time he did it while we were driving somewhere with a bunch of friends and, not thinking, I replied rather plaintively, "yes, but that is so much less satisfying". Boyfriend didn't live that one down for ages.
posted by Hermione Granger at 9:23 PM on June 19, 2015 [4 favorites]

Foosnark, I was surprised to find out that "gosh all fish hooks" was in fact a thing.
posted by Countess Elena at 9:30 PM on June 19, 2015

"Godfrey Daniels!"
posted by rifflesby at 10:08 PM on June 19, 2015 [1 favorite]

My dad's were:
"Crosscut saw! " (especially good during woodworking problems)
And "son of a bullwhip"

I convinced my son and his buddies that "tinky tinky long ears" was the world's rudist insult, which gave them a great outlet, especially since I'd freak out and chase them around the house threateningly if they said it (while they screamed with laughter). Come to think of it, I guess they were on to me! Blistering barnacles!
posted by chapps at 10:13 PM on June 19, 2015

Referring to the word "fuck", my dad, a sailor who could make other sailors blush in three or four languages, looked at me sternly and said, "That word should be used only in very special circumstances."
posted by angiep at 11:14 PM on June 19, 2015

I like the sci-fi cussing...frak, which is the best

In the future, recklessly pumping chemicals into the ground without regard for the safety of an entire community's drinking water just to increase profits on energy sales is considered an obscenity.
posted by straight at 11:57 PM on June 19, 2015 [1 favorite]

God, what I would give to be able afford a copy of Texas Crude. It was a briefly-published & now highly prized collection of Texas swear words, euphemisms and insults that were all of the extremely useful variety, such as "Son, looks like you shit & fell back in it." I think it also introduced me to the "pole turtle." Has no business being there, no idea who put him there, or how to get down. (Used by Molly Ivins to describe Dubya, God, I miss her. She could insult the shit out of people in polite society & would surely have provided us some colorful terms for Greg Abbot by now)
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:50 AM on June 20, 2015 [2 favorites]

Every 'fuck' was replaced with this.

As Sesame Street's Count has shown, people will tend to fill in the blanks though.
posted by kersplunk at 5:04 AM on June 20, 2015 [2 favorites]

My dad's best non-swear was, by far, "BASKET OF BLOOD!"

I have always loved that one. The visual is amazing. I have to wonder if it was somehow derived from "buckets of blood" and someone just thought, "You know what would make this situation worse? If we only had baskets to store all this blood in."
posted by maryr at 1:38 PM on June 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

Also, I once made a nickel for knowing where Walla Walla was located because "Walla Walla, Washington!" was another of my dad's non-curse words.
posted by maryr at 1:39 PM on June 20, 2015

HELLS' BELLS, TRUDY!
posted by lmfsilva at 1:42 PM on June 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

Control+F for "jagoff". Hmm, none of y'all are from Pittsburgh I presume.
posted by msali at 8:50 AM on June 21, 2015