Grand Delusions
June 29, 2015 5:30 AM Subscribe
‘I Don’t Believe in God, but I Believe in Lithium’ My 20-year struggle with bipolar disorder.
Lithium is a damn miracle for the people it's a miracle for. (The people in my life who take it experience it as a semi-miracle - really, really helpful but only as part of a drug cocktail.) But it appears to be so very common with bipolar that you can spend years finding the right drugs, and they work for a while, and then they don't, or the side effects become intolerable, and you're back at square one. I wish we could get a new, better miracle for this disorder.
When I read this a few days ago I was really struck by the pictures. So beautiful, and so alien (to me, here in Pittsburgh, where we have nothing that looks anything like that.) I sometimes refer to my life as a long-term partner of someone with bipolar disorder as "living on Bipolar Planet", a planet that circles the Earth and is near enough to see the Earth and wave to my friends going about their lives, and send messages back and forth, but where our lives as denizens of Bipolar Planet are unfathomably different, in some very obvious ways and some very subtle ways that I struggle to describe to anyone who has not spent time here.
Some of these photos - and other ones I went looking for after seeing these - struck me as a visual representation of Bipolar Planet. I'm thinking of putting up a print on my wall somewhere to remind me that Bipolar Planet has a strange and indescribable beauty and grace, as well as being dangerous and far from home.
posted by Stacey at 6:33 AM on June 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
When I read this a few days ago I was really struck by the pictures. So beautiful, and so alien (to me, here in Pittsburgh, where we have nothing that looks anything like that.) I sometimes refer to my life as a long-term partner of someone with bipolar disorder as "living on Bipolar Planet", a planet that circles the Earth and is near enough to see the Earth and wave to my friends going about their lives, and send messages back and forth, but where our lives as denizens of Bipolar Planet are unfathomably different, in some very obvious ways and some very subtle ways that I struggle to describe to anyone who has not spent time here.
Some of these photos - and other ones I went looking for after seeing these - struck me as a visual representation of Bipolar Planet. I'm thinking of putting up a print on my wall somewhere to remind me that Bipolar Planet has a strange and indescribable beauty and grace, as well as being dangerous and far from home.
posted by Stacey at 6:33 AM on June 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
But it appears to be so very common with bipolar that you can spend years finding the right drugs, and they work for a while, and then they don't, or the side effects become intolerable, and you're back at square one.
That is so very, painfully true. I was first diagnosed with BPD 20 years ago, now, and have been medicated almost the entire time since -- barring the times on and off, probably totalling 3 years or so, when I hit the manic "I feel fine, I don't need my meds any more" stumbling block and took myself off them until things fell apart again. In that time, I can't even begin to recall how many drugs I've taken, and in what combinations.
My own cocktail fell apart hard recently, worse than it had in years. Nothing at all had changed, my life is going good, there had been no major stressors, but what had worked for a long time just... stopped. And I fell off a cliff. It's been frustrating and draining -- and a bit frightening when a buproprion increase triggered what I thought was a seizure -- trying to get things working again, and it was something I hoped I'd never have to experience again even though I knew I would.
After a couple abortive changes I think I'm on my way back to steady, but I've no idea how long, assuming I reach it, this new "normal" is going to last this time.
(Lithium worked for me, but I had trouble being compliant with it because it also made me feel like an emotionless zombie, which I hated. I've had much better success with lamictal -- combined, of course, with the usual cocktail of antidepressants, anxiolytics, etc.)
posted by jammer at 7:49 AM on June 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
That is so very, painfully true. I was first diagnosed with BPD 20 years ago, now, and have been medicated almost the entire time since -- barring the times on and off, probably totalling 3 years or so, when I hit the manic "I feel fine, I don't need my meds any more" stumbling block and took myself off them until things fell apart again. In that time, I can't even begin to recall how many drugs I've taken, and in what combinations.
My own cocktail fell apart hard recently, worse than it had in years. Nothing at all had changed, my life is going good, there had been no major stressors, but what had worked for a long time just... stopped. And I fell off a cliff. It's been frustrating and draining -- and a bit frightening when a buproprion increase triggered what I thought was a seizure -- trying to get things working again, and it was something I hoped I'd never have to experience again even though I knew I would.
After a couple abortive changes I think I'm on my way back to steady, but I've no idea how long, assuming I reach it, this new "normal" is going to last this time.
(Lithium worked for me, but I had trouble being compliant with it because it also made me feel like an emotionless zombie, which I hated. I've had much better success with lamictal -- combined, of course, with the usual cocktail of antidepressants, anxiolytics, etc.)
posted by jammer at 7:49 AM on June 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
jammer: My own cocktail fell apart hard recently, worse than it had in years. Nothing at all had changed, my life is going good, there had been no major stressors, but what had worked for a long time just... stopped. And I fell off a cliff.
This scares me so much. This go-round my regimen has worked for ~3 years? And I hope it'll keep working forever, but we don't know enough about how all this works to have any idea if that will be the case. That's honestly scarier than the thought of being on these drugs forever -- the thought that they'll just stop working one day. And sometimes things that worked in the past (like lithium, for me) won't work when you go back to them.
posted by fiercecupcake at 9:15 AM on June 29, 2015
This scares me so much. This go-round my regimen has worked for ~3 years? And I hope it'll keep working forever, but we don't know enough about how all this works to have any idea if that will be the case. That's honestly scarier than the thought of being on these drugs forever -- the thought that they'll just stop working one day. And sometimes things that worked in the past (like lithium, for me) won't work when you go back to them.
posted by fiercecupcake at 9:15 AM on June 29, 2015
The idea of lithium as a micronutrient for otherwise mentally healthy people is intriguing.
When the data from the Japanese study was reanalyzed in a second publication, the authors concluded that those people with higher levels of lithium in their water supply had lower levels of “all-cause mortality.”
Should We All Take a Bit of Lithium?
posted by delegeferenda at 9:32 AM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
When the data from the Japanese study was reanalyzed in a second publication, the authors concluded that those people with higher levels of lithium in their water supply had lower levels of “all-cause mortality.”
Should We All Take a Bit of Lithium?
posted by delegeferenda at 9:32 AM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Wow. Very powerful, beautiful piece of writing by an extremely brave and talented author. I had to take a bunch of breaks from reading it because it was so painfully vivid, but the description and photos of the lithium fields in Bolivia were profound in their starkness and simplicity -- it's stunning to consider how so many humans rely on this one trace element for access to sanity. When she started recounting all the times she'd start layering on mismatched accessories, making prophesies, and climbing up on rooftops, though... I'm just too familiar with the way that all goes to've been able to get through it in one fell swoop.
My mom is bipolar and went on and off of every drug under the sun for the whole time I knew her. Lithium was the only one that worked reliably, but she would only take it long enough to start to feeling OK, then go cold turkey, lose touch with reality over the course of the next 6-8 weeks, get hospitalized long enough for her to get her levels stable again, they'd let her out, and the cycle would repeat again within a few months. Mania meant weeks without sleeping, raving about how I was the devil and disappearing for days, and depression meant weeks without eating or leaving her bedroom. As an adult, I can recognize that she was probably so resentful about having to be on medication at all that going off of it was her way of rebelling, but as a kid, it felt like I'd been put in charge of a half-hysterical, half-sullen teenager when I was 7 years old and I had no idea how to deal with her, let alone any kind of understanding that most other people's moms weren't like that. But what was I gonna do, move out?
So something I wish I could tell bipolar parents, other than "for the love of god, stay on your medication," is to be honest with your children, or ask someone else to be honest with them in your stead. Don't tell the kids that mom or dad went to the hospital because she was dehydrated or he had the flu or whatever. Because when my grandparents and dad insisted upon telling me that the only thing wrong with my mom was that she sometimes forgot to drink enough water, it gave me the impression that her frankly bizarre demeanor was all in my head and that I was just being too sensitive. The only grown-ups in my life were too embarrassed or overwhelmed to acknowledge the reality of her behavior, so I just assumed everyone else's dramas were playing out in private like they did in our apartment. I felt like I had to take responsibility for her, because no one else would, but I was also incredibly scared of her. Shit, I'm still scared of her. People chuckle about it, like, how can you be scared of your own mother? Five-foot tall, 50-year-old woman, 100 pounds soaking wet. But her wild, broken, thousand-yard stare and everything that comes along with it isn't something I would wish on anyone. I hope she's better now but I can't risk knowing her anymore.
I imagine being in a relationship with anyone who hides or obfuscates their diagnosis is somewhat similar, as the author notes, but it's even more unsettling when you're a very young person who has no idea what "normalcy" has ever looked like, and the process is made infinitely harder and more complex when your charge won't stay on their meds for long enough to give you more than a couple of weeks' experience with safety or peace. Lithium is obviously an extremely blunt tool, but for better or worse, sometimes it's all we have. Thanks for posting this, almostmanda. It's a humbling and thought-provoking read.
posted by divined by radio at 1:14 PM on June 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
My mom is bipolar and went on and off of every drug under the sun for the whole time I knew her. Lithium was the only one that worked reliably, but she would only take it long enough to start to feeling OK, then go cold turkey, lose touch with reality over the course of the next 6-8 weeks, get hospitalized long enough for her to get her levels stable again, they'd let her out, and the cycle would repeat again within a few months. Mania meant weeks without sleeping, raving about how I was the devil and disappearing for days, and depression meant weeks without eating or leaving her bedroom. As an adult, I can recognize that she was probably so resentful about having to be on medication at all that going off of it was her way of rebelling, but as a kid, it felt like I'd been put in charge of a half-hysterical, half-sullen teenager when I was 7 years old and I had no idea how to deal with her, let alone any kind of understanding that most other people's moms weren't like that. But what was I gonna do, move out?
So something I wish I could tell bipolar parents, other than "for the love of god, stay on your medication," is to be honest with your children, or ask someone else to be honest with them in your stead. Don't tell the kids that mom or dad went to the hospital because she was dehydrated or he had the flu or whatever. Because when my grandparents and dad insisted upon telling me that the only thing wrong with my mom was that she sometimes forgot to drink enough water, it gave me the impression that her frankly bizarre demeanor was all in my head and that I was just being too sensitive. The only grown-ups in my life were too embarrassed or overwhelmed to acknowledge the reality of her behavior, so I just assumed everyone else's dramas were playing out in private like they did in our apartment. I felt like I had to take responsibility for her, because no one else would, but I was also incredibly scared of her. Shit, I'm still scared of her. People chuckle about it, like, how can you be scared of your own mother? Five-foot tall, 50-year-old woman, 100 pounds soaking wet. But her wild, broken, thousand-yard stare and everything that comes along with it isn't something I would wish on anyone. I hope she's better now but I can't risk knowing her anymore.
I imagine being in a relationship with anyone who hides or obfuscates their diagnosis is somewhat similar, as the author notes, but it's even more unsettling when you're a very young person who has no idea what "normalcy" has ever looked like, and the process is made infinitely harder and more complex when your charge won't stay on their meds for long enough to give you more than a couple of weeks' experience with safety or peace. Lithium is obviously an extremely blunt tool, but for better or worse, sometimes it's all we have. Thanks for posting this, almostmanda. It's a humbling and thought-provoking read.
posted by divined by radio at 1:14 PM on June 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
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posted by xingcat at 6:24 AM on June 29, 2015