"The human gray area is where I want my hands to glide."
August 19, 2015 6:14 PM Subscribe
Ok true story: My girlfriends friend was getting a massage at a VERY high-end spa in Los Angeles. She is a 5'2" petite woman in her mid 20's and the masseuse was a fairly innocuous looking guy perhaps 30 years of age. The massage entailed a 60 minute session. The first 45 minutes are face-down and great - worn muscles relaxing, tension fading away, soft music, dim lights - serene. At 45 minutes Mr. Masseuse asks girlfriends friend to flip and starts on the thighs. She is so relaxed that when he asks "Would you like me to go a bit deeper" she, like any normal person, assumes he's going to go a bit harder and sure, she could use that. Instead the guy slides his hand right between her legs and tries to massage something else.
She immediately says "Oh, no thanks." The masseuse immediately removes his hand from that area and she lets him finish the massage as normal, mainly because she wants to play it cool to gtf out and is too shocked to even move. She counts the minutes and at minute 60 she bee-lines for the door. At this point the guy gets down on his knees and literally BEGS her not to tell anyone and that he totally misread the situation and that he is omg SO sorry. She says of course it was a misunderstanding and no worries, slips through the door and goes straight to the manager and gets this creeper fired.
Not sure if she filed charges or what but my jaw is still on the floor.
posted by jnnla at 6:40 PM on August 19, 2015 [11 favorites]
She immediately says "Oh, no thanks." The masseuse immediately removes his hand from that area and she lets him finish the massage as normal, mainly because she wants to play it cool to gtf out and is too shocked to even move. She counts the minutes and at minute 60 she bee-lines for the door. At this point the guy gets down on his knees and literally BEGS her not to tell anyone and that he totally misread the situation and that he is omg SO sorry. She says of course it was a misunderstanding and no worries, slips through the door and goes straight to the manager and gets this creeper fired.
Not sure if she filed charges or what but my jaw is still on the floor.
posted by jnnla at 6:40 PM on August 19, 2015 [11 favorites]
I really liked that, it was an interesting perspective. I've only had one masseuse who was male, and I decided afterwards that I really wasn't comfortable with that, that it made it too hard to relax. This makes me feel better about that decision.
posted by stoneegg21 at 6:50 PM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by stoneegg21 at 6:50 PM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Male or female, the main thing I want out of a massage therapist is for them to be without mercy or compassion so that when I start crying in agony because of the work they're doing on my legs they won't stop and then after I'll feel so good.
I've had some very crazy massages over the years (one therapist did this whole thing where she got up on the table with me and used virtually every part of my body and her body as leverage to thoroughly work my everything muscular) but I'm fortunate in that it doesn't turn me on at all. But I completely understand how it could turn somebody on and, furthermore, I know I'd be mortified if I did end up with an erection mid-massage.
Maybe its just a body comfort thing or a compartmentalizing thing, but for me, there is sexual touch and there are other kinds of touch. I've not had a professional massage that read to me as anything other than therapeutic.
I feel for massage therapists, though. This is a line they probably walk/watch their clients walk all the time just by the nature of the job.
Damn, though, I am so grateful for the many amazing massages I've received in my life. Nothing better when you're stressed out than to have a stranger firmly squeeze the pain out of you.
posted by Joey Michaels at 6:52 PM on August 19, 2015 [10 favorites]
I've had some very crazy massages over the years (one therapist did this whole thing where she got up on the table with me and used virtually every part of my body and her body as leverage to thoroughly work my everything muscular) but I'm fortunate in that it doesn't turn me on at all. But I completely understand how it could turn somebody on and, furthermore, I know I'd be mortified if I did end up with an erection mid-massage.
Maybe its just a body comfort thing or a compartmentalizing thing, but for me, there is sexual touch and there are other kinds of touch. I've not had a professional massage that read to me as anything other than therapeutic.
I feel for massage therapists, though. This is a line they probably walk/watch their clients walk all the time just by the nature of the job.
Damn, though, I am so grateful for the many amazing massages I've received in my life. Nothing better when you're stressed out than to have a stranger firmly squeeze the pain out of you.
posted by Joey Michaels at 6:52 PM on August 19, 2015 [10 favorites]
This was an enlightening read, on a subject that intrigued me. (There was a time I once considered going into massage therapy - I used to give great back rubs to family and friends, and I liked helping them relax. I wanted to specialize in elderly or infirm individuals. But life got in the way, and I never got around to it). I admit, I've never had a man massage me (professionally) as I think I'd be too embarrassed to enjoy it.
posted by annieb at 7:04 PM on August 19, 2015
posted by annieb at 7:04 PM on August 19, 2015
Yeah, idk, massage for me is the polar opposite of sexy. It's someone smashing my monstrously tight quads in ways that I am too much of a crybaby to do myself, or putting their entire body's weight onto the elbow they have jammed one inch above and to the left of my buttcrack. I don't want to bone down, I want to cry like fat gassy baby.
having a peen seems so undignified and inconvenient tbh
posted by poffin boffin at 7:14 PM on August 19, 2015 [25 favorites]
having a peen seems so undignified and inconvenient tbh
posted by poffin boffin at 7:14 PM on August 19, 2015 [25 favorites]
Once at a party I heard a man tell a story about going to a massage place where he thought the price was surprisingly good. The massage was going fine until the masseuse grabbed his penis and he freaked out. He said she handled it well and calmly explained the kind of place he was in and how to tell "happy ending" parlors from legitimate massage places.
Very thoughtful pieces, thanks for sharing. I'm always grateful to masseuses who create a safe place where I can be naked without feeling sexualized.
posted by bunderful at 7:24 PM on August 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
Very thoughtful pieces, thanks for sharing. I'm always grateful to masseuses who create a safe place where I can be naked without feeling sexualized.
posted by bunderful at 7:24 PM on August 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
she's not struggling at all.
posted by andrewcooke at 7:25 PM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by andrewcooke at 7:25 PM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Nice article.
Learning to tell the difference between regular massage places and massage parlours is a good thing. Among other things the women giving massages at the latter tend to be working for tips and if you're not going to avail yourself of their services they'll have wasted time with you.
It can be tricky at the higher end places though. I've been offered happy endings in the strangest places.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:32 PM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Learning to tell the difference between regular massage places and massage parlours is a good thing. Among other things the women giving massages at the latter tend to be working for tips and if you're not going to avail yourself of their services they'll have wasted time with you.
It can be tricky at the higher end places though. I've been offered happy endings in the strangest places.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:32 PM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
This is a great article and I kind of wanted it to go for another 5000 words.
posted by shakespeherian at 7:47 PM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by shakespeherian at 7:47 PM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
until the masseuse grabbed his penis and he freaked out. He said she handled it well
I see what you did there.
posted by Kabanos at 7:48 PM on August 19, 2015 [27 favorites]
I see what you did there.
posted by Kabanos at 7:48 PM on August 19, 2015 [27 favorites]
tim were you hoping for a happier ending
posted by poffin boffin at 7:49 PM on August 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 7:49 PM on August 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
I had my first massage at about the age of twenty four. I was a young man on the road for work, geez, twenty years ago now. My friend, also male, talked me into going for a massage. A real massage, not a massage parlour. The place we went to was strange. It was a bunch of small cabins in a residential neighborhood outside of Portland? or Seattle? It seemed more bohemian then high end. Anyhow, we arrive and check in. The receptionist sends my friend off with a young woman for his massage, turns to me and says, "Steven will be right with you." My heart stopped for a moment. Really the only experience I'd had with men touching my body at that point (other than family hugs) was a couple of guys who tried groping me on different occasions when I was drunk. I hadn't even considered the possibility that the person giving me the massage would be of the same sex. But. Professional massage and what was I, a homophobe?
The door opened and a middle-aged large blind man entered the room, preceded by his white cane. I don't know why, but I immediately relaxed. As I followed him to the cabin, I told him I'd never had a massage before. He had me go inside alone to get ready and then I then was treated to the most relaxing massage of my life. I never said a word the whole time. He was so good at what he did, I completely forgot about the person touching me and just zoned out. Like nothing I'd ever experienced before. I've had many massages since then, from both men and women, but that was definitely the best one and none have matched it. I don't know if his blindness was a benefit? Regardless, he knew what he was doing. I also think it was very healthy for me to have that experience from a man. It expanded my horizons and reinforced through actions what I already believed in my mind (men can touch other men without it being sexual).
I can also say that never have I felt even the beginnings of an erection during any massage. I would be mortified if that were to come up. Awkward.
posted by Roger Dodger at 8:05 PM on August 19, 2015 [14 favorites]
The door opened and a middle-aged large blind man entered the room, preceded by his white cane. I don't know why, but I immediately relaxed. As I followed him to the cabin, I told him I'd never had a massage before. He had me go inside alone to get ready and then I then was treated to the most relaxing massage of my life. I never said a word the whole time. He was so good at what he did, I completely forgot about the person touching me and just zoned out. Like nothing I'd ever experienced before. I've had many massages since then, from both men and women, but that was definitely the best one and none have matched it. I don't know if his blindness was a benefit? Regardless, he knew what he was doing. I also think it was very healthy for me to have that experience from a man. It expanded my horizons and reinforced through actions what I already believed in my mind (men can touch other men without it being sexual).
I can also say that never have I felt even the beginnings of an erection during any massage. I would be mortified if that were to come up. Awkward.
posted by Roger Dodger at 8:05 PM on August 19, 2015 [14 favorites]
Thanks for sharing! Her thoughtful perspective was really nice. I feel like reading this was a mini massage for my sense of human compassion. =)
posted by Solon and Thanks at 8:06 PM on August 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Solon and Thanks at 8:06 PM on August 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
Male or female, the main thing I want out of a massage therapist is for them to be without mercy or compassion so that when I start crying in agony because of the work they're doing on my legs they won't stop and then after I'll feel so good.
I, too, love a deep, agonizing, hurts-so-good massage. I once got a much needed massage up in Crested Butte and, as gawd is my witness, when the young woman was done with me, my vision was purple. It was amazing.
Never got a boner during a massage, though. Thankfully.
posted by Thorzdad at 8:16 PM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
I, too, love a deep, agonizing, hurts-so-good massage. I once got a much needed massage up in Crested Butte and, as gawd is my witness, when the young woman was done with me, my vision was purple. It was amazing.
Never got a boner during a massage, though. Thankfully.
posted by Thorzdad at 8:16 PM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yeah, idk, massage for me is the polar opposite of sexy.
Me too, and to just to make that clear I bellow DESTROY ME HUMAN FOAM ROLLER at the therapist when they ask what sort of pressure I'd like.
Not that massages given/received by romantic partners can't be sexy, but it is a very different type of thing.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 9:11 PM on August 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
Me too, and to just to make that clear I bellow DESTROY ME HUMAN FOAM ROLLER at the therapist when they ask what sort of pressure I'd like.
Not that massages given/received by romantic partners can't be sexy, but it is a very different type of thing.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 9:11 PM on August 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
I used to get massages from a woman who would tell hilarious stories about the guys who got boners during massages. She had one guy who would yell "Look out, I'm gonna crash!" and then ejaculate.
posted by HotToddy at 9:37 PM on August 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by HotToddy at 9:37 PM on August 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
This is a great article and I kind of wanted it to go for another 5000 words.
Massage is like that.
posted by flabdablet at 9:58 PM on August 19, 2015 [8 favorites]
Massage is like that.
posted by flabdablet at 9:58 PM on August 19, 2015 [8 favorites]
The door opened and a middle-aged large blind man entered the room, preceded by his white cane. I don't know why, but I immediately relaxed.
You wouldn't have been nearly so relaxed if you knew what else he does for a living.
posted by MrBadExample at 10:28 PM on August 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
You wouldn't have been nearly so relaxed if you knew what else he does for a living.
posted by MrBadExample at 10:28 PM on August 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
Once I inadvertently traumatized another client while we were waiting for our massages.
My massage therapist was also trained in sports medicine, and I loved that he knew precisely wtf I was talking about when I'd complain about having tweaked things while lifting. Not having to explain or recreate the difference between a push press and a clean was awesome, and I loved him for it. So he comes out to fetch me, and begins washing and massaging my feet in the waiting room, as usual, and we're chatting. I mention that hey, my right shoulder feels a little grindy, and he asks me if I messed up my snatch.
The other woman in the waiting room looks up from her phone in horror, and says WHAT?!
It took me an eternity to remember that for someone who doesn't lift, that word has a very different meaning.
Both my therapist and I tried without much success to convince this woman that no, really, this was an actual legit thing. Once he and I were alone in the usual private room, I said, 'You realize now she thinks we're up to all kinds of shenanigans in here, right?' We started giggling because it was just such a ridiculous and unlikely idea. While I can see how for some people it might be a sexual thing, for me, massage is a way to Fix The Oww, which pretty much cancels out any thoughts of sexy times.
But uh, yeah. Don't mention snatches in massage places, roger that.
posted by culfinglin at 10:49 PM on August 19, 2015 [13 favorites]
My massage therapist was also trained in sports medicine, and I loved that he knew precisely wtf I was talking about when I'd complain about having tweaked things while lifting. Not having to explain or recreate the difference between a push press and a clean was awesome, and I loved him for it. So he comes out to fetch me, and begins washing and massaging my feet in the waiting room, as usual, and we're chatting. I mention that hey, my right shoulder feels a little grindy, and he asks me if I messed up my snatch.
The other woman in the waiting room looks up from her phone in horror, and says WHAT?!
It took me an eternity to remember that for someone who doesn't lift, that word has a very different meaning.
Both my therapist and I tried without much success to convince this woman that no, really, this was an actual legit thing. Once he and I were alone in the usual private room, I said, 'You realize now she thinks we're up to all kinds of shenanigans in here, right?' We started giggling because it was just such a ridiculous and unlikely idea. While I can see how for some people it might be a sexual thing, for me, massage is a way to Fix The Oww, which pretty much cancels out any thoughts of sexy times.
But uh, yeah. Don't mention snatches in massage places, roger that.
posted by culfinglin at 10:49 PM on August 19, 2015 [13 favorites]
That's a thoughtful and gracefully delicate article. I imagine the author's touch is similarly skilled.
So, I'm a penis-owner. I've only chosen therapeutic massage (there was one accident, that I think I've talked about on the Green), and like Jon Mitchell I want my therapist built like a Soviet Olympian, gender unimportant. My primary goals were therapy and flexibility for rock climbing and strength training, and recovery from major physical trauma that occasionally befalls (ha) trad climbers.
But I also get extremely relaxed during an intense massage, to the point where I'm often awakened by the therapist to flip over or to end the session. Which means I also occasionally experience benign erections.
It can be surprising to wake up a bit tumescent, but the reactions described in the link are within the field. I've rarely experienced a reaction I'd deem unprofessional, but threatening me with a machete would qualify. Most common is "let's work somewhere else" and return later— which is perfect.
I don't want to feel like I could end up on a Pervert Blacklist because I really needed my psoas fixed.
posted by a halcyon day at 11:07 PM on August 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
So, I'm a penis-owner. I've only chosen therapeutic massage (there was one accident, that I think I've talked about on the Green), and like Jon Mitchell I want my therapist built like a Soviet Olympian, gender unimportant. My primary goals were therapy and flexibility for rock climbing and strength training, and recovery from major physical trauma that occasionally befalls (ha) trad climbers.
But I also get extremely relaxed during an intense massage, to the point where I'm often awakened by the therapist to flip over or to end the session. Which means I also occasionally experience benign erections.
It can be surprising to wake up a bit tumescent, but the reactions described in the link are within the field. I've rarely experienced a reaction I'd deem unprofessional, but threatening me with a machete would qualify. Most common is "let's work somewhere else" and return later— which is perfect.
I don't want to feel like I could end up on a Pervert Blacklist because I really needed my psoas fixed.
posted by a halcyon day at 11:07 PM on August 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
A gentleman takes matters into his own hands beforehand to ensure that no issues arise.
posted by Segundus at 11:15 PM on August 19, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by Segundus at 11:15 PM on August 19, 2015 [9 favorites]
Oh, great timing with the post, gladly! I have my regular two-weekly massage tomorrow morning and although I've never had an issue with erections during them, this is all I'm going to be thinking about now.
I guess it'll be fine. But I'm now worried something unexpected will pop up and it won't be handled well...
posted by maupuia at 11:26 PM on August 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
I guess it'll be fine. But I'm now worried something unexpected will pop up and it won't be handled well...
posted by maupuia at 11:26 PM on August 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
A close friend, years ago, told me the following story: she had gone through the whole massage school thing (in NY state it was +2 years) thinking she would go and work on cruise ships. She was just a couple months out of school when she goes to work on a 'wall-street' woman, who carried a small part of every chance she was taking in the muscles of her back.
My friend works on her, diligently, for twenty minutes or so and things are fine, then she finds this one group that are just, like, rocks and she starts breaking them up and really putting her all into it and finally they - "...and then the lady lets out this, just, *groan*!" and I was like, "^groan groan?" And she was like, actually she wasn't sure. Which was funny. Because maybe it wasn't, but it was still a groan that to early twenties us was probably a sexual relief groan. "So how was she afterwards then?" "You know, she did seem pretty abashed, like she was trying to play it down." "Would you take her as a client again?" "She gave me a huge tip. But I dunno."
I think about this every time I go for therapy messages for my knee and I can't imagine how mortifying an erection would be - I doubt I would be able to go back.
Much less go full Wall Street.
posted by From Bklyn at 11:34 PM on August 19, 2015
My friend works on her, diligently, for twenty minutes or so and things are fine, then she finds this one group that are just, like, rocks and she starts breaking them up and really putting her all into it and finally they - "...and then the lady lets out this, just, *groan*!" and I was like, "^groan groan?" And she was like, actually she wasn't sure. Which was funny. Because maybe it wasn't, but it was still a groan that to early twenties us was probably a sexual relief groan. "So how was she afterwards then?" "You know, she did seem pretty abashed, like she was trying to play it down." "Would you take her as a client again?" "She gave me a huge tip. But I dunno."
I think about this every time I go for therapy messages for my knee and I can't imagine how mortifying an erection would be - I doubt I would be able to go back.
Much less go full Wall Street.
posted by From Bklyn at 11:34 PM on August 19, 2015
I had a female friend who was single the whole time I knew her and distressed about it. She did not think she would be having a relationship any time soon. I had heard of 'touch hunger' that was sort of a new theory at the time. I suggested getting a proper Swedish or Turkish massage.
At first she laughed at the idea. Then she tried a good proper massage place and it helped her. She decided to do this regularly and thanked me for suggesting it.
I think a lot of the urge people think of as the sexual urge is really the need for touch.
I'm not saying there is no such thing as sexual urges, they're very real, but massage can help calm people. It doesn't need to be the 'happy ending' type of massage.
She pulled her life together soon after adding massage to her life.
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 11:44 PM on August 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
At first she laughed at the idea. Then she tried a good proper massage place and it helped her. She decided to do this regularly and thanked me for suggesting it.
I think a lot of the urge people think of as the sexual urge is really the need for touch.
I'm not saying there is no such thing as sexual urges, they're very real, but massage can help calm people. It doesn't need to be the 'happy ending' type of massage.
She pulled her life together soon after adding massage to her life.
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 11:44 PM on August 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
Male or female, the main thing I want out of a massage therapist is for them to be without mercy or compassion so that when I start crying in agony because of the work they're doing on my legs they won't stop and then after I'll feel so good.
QFMFT. I could probably never go to, like, a massage establishment where there were multiple therapists working in private rooms, because I like to be worked so hard that I'm willing my body to fight the tension-in-response-to-pain response. Which seems to be the only way I can really get my brain to talk to my muscles about letting go of tension. I'll yell and cry and do breathing techniques to pull the pain through and out of my body... I'd disturb all the others in the place.
But man oh man, work me hard and right and get me to work with the pain and when I'm done, I feel like I've done a ctrl-alt-del reboot on my physical being.
posted by hippybear at 1:04 AM on August 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
QFMFT. I could probably never go to, like, a massage establishment where there were multiple therapists working in private rooms, because I like to be worked so hard that I'm willing my body to fight the tension-in-response-to-pain response. Which seems to be the only way I can really get my brain to talk to my muscles about letting go of tension. I'll yell and cry and do breathing techniques to pull the pain through and out of my body... I'd disturb all the others in the place.
But man oh man, work me hard and right and get me to work with the pain and when I'm done, I feel like I've done a ctrl-alt-del reboot on my physical being.
posted by hippybear at 1:04 AM on August 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
I've never gotten a massage, and everyone is making it sound like they are the greatest thing that can happen to a person. I don't even know what they're like. I didn't even think about boners and massages before, but now I can only imagine that I'd fall asleep and get a sleep-boner. Unless I was crying out in agony, or something. I don't know how any of this works.
Anyway, good article!
posted by teponaztli at 2:22 AM on August 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Anyway, good article!
posted by teponaztli at 2:22 AM on August 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
I've never had a massage either, teponaztli, and likely never will.
Nicely written piece, though. She raises interesting points (sorry).
posted by kinnakeet at 2:27 AM on August 20, 2015
Nicely written piece, though. She raises interesting points (sorry).
posted by kinnakeet at 2:27 AM on August 20, 2015
Thank cats for these comments! In movies people are always so relaxed and falling asleep during their massages. I've had two massages and they were so painful that during one I hoped off the table, and I was confused thinking something was wrong.
Okay, so how do I get the so relaxed I fall asleep massage instead of the kneading me like dough until I'm a pretzel one?
posted by FunkyHelix at 3:38 AM on August 20, 2015
Okay, so how do I get the so relaxed I fall asleep massage instead of the kneading me like dough until I'm a pretzel one?
posted by FunkyHelix at 3:38 AM on August 20, 2015
Okay, so how do I get the so relaxed I fall asleep massage instead of the kneading me like dough until I'm a pretzel one?
Do not utter the words 'deep tissue,' even to say that no, that is not what you would like. I think it's like a masseuse cheat code or something.
The article is awesome. My wife and I give each other massages from time to time, so there are times when a massage is a sensual (if not sexual) thing, but when I go to a masseuse, I find my mind goes to the clinical - it's not 'touch me there', it's 'so yeah, there's this pain all up and down my IT band..'
Fortunately, neither my mind nor my body ever gets confused on that point.
posted by Mooski at 5:17 AM on August 20, 2015
Do not utter the words 'deep tissue,' even to say that no, that is not what you would like. I think it's like a masseuse cheat code or something.
The article is awesome. My wife and I give each other massages from time to time, so there are times when a massage is a sensual (if not sexual) thing, but when I go to a masseuse, I find my mind goes to the clinical - it's not 'touch me there', it's 'so yeah, there's this pain all up and down my IT band..'
Fortunately, neither my mind nor my body ever gets confused on that point.
posted by Mooski at 5:17 AM on August 20, 2015
This was very interesting!
I assume the article and most of the comments reflect American experiences?
Growing up in Sweden massage was something we learned how to do in phys. ed., and I've never heard anybody talking about visiting a massage therapist as anything more lewd than a visit to the dentist.
I never went for a massage before I moved to Tokyo, but everywhere I went here has been of hands-on-towel-on-clothes-on-body variety. It feels just as good as hands directly on the skin and I don't really see the point of providing clothes-off massages if sexual tension is a problem. (and I don't dare look for a place that provides and try 'cause I'm afraid to unwittingly sign up for a happy ending, causing embarrassment for everybody involved)
posted by AxelT at 6:52 AM on August 20, 2015
I assume the article and most of the comments reflect American experiences?
Growing up in Sweden massage was something we learned how to do in phys. ed., and I've never heard anybody talking about visiting a massage therapist as anything more lewd than a visit to the dentist.
I never went for a massage before I moved to Tokyo, but everywhere I went here has been of hands-on-towel-on-clothes-on-body variety. It feels just as good as hands directly on the skin and I don't really see the point of providing clothes-off massages if sexual tension is a problem. (and I don't dare look for a place that provides and try 'cause I'm afraid to unwittingly sign up for a happy ending, causing embarrassment for everybody involved)
posted by AxelT at 6:52 AM on August 20, 2015
If you're like me, you can't go get a massage while you're depressed or grieving unless you want to weep copiously. Not necessarily a bad thing, but something about the process short-circuits my stay-calm abilities when I'm really down. Thankfully my masseuse at that session was chill about it. Bodies are mysterious.
posted by emjaybee at 6:54 AM on August 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by emjaybee at 6:54 AM on August 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
My friend works on her, diligently, for twenty minutes or so and things are fine, then she finds this one group that are just, like, rocks and she starts breaking them up and really putting her all into it and finally they - "...and then the lady lets out this, just, *groan*!" and I was like, "^groan groan?" And she was like, actually she wasn't sure. Which was funny. Because maybe it wasn't, but it was still a groan that to early twenties us was probably a sexual relief groan.
I have made noises while on massage tables that would likely have given your friend the same impression. Relief? Pure relief. Sexual? Completely wrong category.
Most early twenties have not really had the opportunity to understand the sheer experiential intensity of having chronic musculoskeletal pain suddenly and violently magicked away.
posted by flabdablet at 7:26 AM on August 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
I have made noises while on massage tables that would likely have given your friend the same impression. Relief? Pure relief. Sexual? Completely wrong category.
Most early twenties have not really had the opportunity to understand the sheer experiential intensity of having chronic musculoskeletal pain suddenly and violently magicked away.
posted by flabdablet at 7:26 AM on August 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
I don't know how any of this works.
One day it will occur to you that the best thing you could do that day is find out. And assuming you luck onto a good masseur, that will be a really good day.
when I'm done, I feel like I've done a ctrl-alt-del reboot on my physical being
This.
posted by flabdablet at 7:29 AM on August 20, 2015
One day it will occur to you that the best thing you could do that day is find out. And assuming you luck onto a good masseur, that will be a really good day.
when I'm done, I feel like I've done a ctrl-alt-del reboot on my physical being
This.
posted by flabdablet at 7:29 AM on August 20, 2015
Okay, so how do I get the so relaxed I fall asleep massage instead of the kneading me like dough until I'm a pretzel one?
Tell the desk you want a relaxation massage as opposed to a therapeutic one.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:09 AM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Tell the desk you want a relaxation massage as opposed to a therapeutic one.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:09 AM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I've long thought about massage therapy, especially as I get older and ache more than I used to. But I never thought about the sexual component or even that there was one. Now I don't think I want to. I have enough things to worry about.
posted by tommasz at 8:10 AM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by tommasz at 8:10 AM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you're worried about a sexual component and you're not bisexual there is a pretty reliable path you can take.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:13 AM on August 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:13 AM on August 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you're like me, you can't go get a massage while you're depressed or grieving unless you want to weep copiously.
YES definitely, massage can cause emotional outbursty stuff, often very intensely. For me it is usually delighted whoops of laughter when something that has been causing immense pain gets broken down into something bearable and i'm like WHEEEEE DO IT AGAIN
posted by poffin boffin at 8:37 AM on August 20, 2015
YES definitely, massage can cause emotional outbursty stuff, often very intensely. For me it is usually delighted whoops of laughter when something that has been causing immense pain gets broken down into something bearable and i'm like WHEEEEE DO IT AGAIN
posted by poffin boffin at 8:37 AM on August 20, 2015
I am among those who is completely bored by massage. I'd much rather be left alone in a quiet room for an hour with a good book. I've had massages by good practitioners -- often at their behest, on the theory that if I feel this way about massage I must not have had a GOOD one -- but it still really gets no traction for me.
My wife's a devotee, though.
posted by uberchet at 8:48 AM on August 20, 2015
My wife's a devotee, though.
posted by uberchet at 8:48 AM on August 20, 2015
But uh, yeah. Don't mention snatches in massage places, roger that.
You might want to avoid mentioning the "clean and jerk", also.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 8:52 AM on August 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
You might want to avoid mentioning the "clean and jerk", also.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 8:52 AM on August 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
I too have no interest in being massaged. There's perhaps one spot on my mid-back that sort of puts my brain in spin mode and renders me incapable of saying anything except a mild gibbering noise, and that's quite fun, but I've never been aware of tension or muscle-knotting. Getting massaged does very little for me, and getting massaged by a stranger - ugh. All the hideous embarrassment and indignity of sex, without even the fleeting pleasure? You'd PAY for that?
Giving massage, on the other hand... my first long-term partner, who was a determined sensualist and had various back issues, gave me a 'Teach Yourself Massage' book practically as soon as we started together, saying "You will learn this, and learn it well." It wasn't therapeutic massage - although I learned how to reset various things to my partner's evident satisfaction ("Should it really make that noise, dear?" "YES. DO IT AGAIN.") but it touched on a few things to be aware of to avoid problems, It did go into some detail of what was happening as well as a bunch of useful techniques.
I learned to approach it somewhat along the lines of describing someone's body to them (and yourself) through touch, and that can be very intimate without being erotic. (It is far from uncommon for a mutually-agreed pre-session 'erotic' massage to end up with one partner in deep sleep and the other wondering whether just to finish the damn bottle themselves.)
Since then, various partners have expressed varying interest in getting a massage - none with the appetite of my original tutor - and I very much miss it when they don't. Touch and attention are primary communication channels, and life is much greyer without a sufficiency of either.
posted by Devonian at 9:16 AM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Giving massage, on the other hand... my first long-term partner, who was a determined sensualist and had various back issues, gave me a 'Teach Yourself Massage' book practically as soon as we started together, saying "You will learn this, and learn it well." It wasn't therapeutic massage - although I learned how to reset various things to my partner's evident satisfaction ("Should it really make that noise, dear?" "YES. DO IT AGAIN.") but it touched on a few things to be aware of to avoid problems, It did go into some detail of what was happening as well as a bunch of useful techniques.
I learned to approach it somewhat along the lines of describing someone's body to them (and yourself) through touch, and that can be very intimate without being erotic. (It is far from uncommon for a mutually-agreed pre-session 'erotic' massage to end up with one partner in deep sleep and the other wondering whether just to finish the damn bottle themselves.)
Since then, various partners have expressed varying interest in getting a massage - none with the appetite of my original tutor - and I very much miss it when they don't. Touch and attention are primary communication channels, and life is much greyer without a sufficiency of either.
posted by Devonian at 9:16 AM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I looooves me a good body mashing. For those woefully deprived souls out there who haven't tried massage yet, Thai massage (fully clothed upright pretzeling) might be a good intro.
posted by gottabefunky at 9:35 AM on August 20, 2015
posted by gottabefunky at 9:35 AM on August 20, 2015
Best Thai massage I ever had was from this middle aged well muscled Thai woman. Showed me a floor mat to lay down on and then proceeded to stretch out as if she was about to get some serious exercise. And she did.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:57 AM on August 20, 2015
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:57 AM on August 20, 2015
"...and then the lady lets out this, just, *groan*!" and I was like, "^groan groan?"
A Halcyon Lady makes identical noises for muscle tension relief and... other types. Confused boner is confused.
posted by a halcyon day at 11:40 AM on August 20, 2015
A Halcyon Lady makes identical noises for muscle tension relief and... other types. Confused boner is confused.
posted by a halcyon day at 11:40 AM on August 20, 2015
>I bellow DESTROY ME HUMAN FOAM ROLLER at the therapist when they ask what sort of pressure I'd like.
Same here. I'm an unrelaxed middle-aged woman with scoliosis and a desk job, so my shoulders are up around my ears most of the time.
Pilates helps. So does acupressure. But real relief comes from the approach favored by a friend who is 6-feet-2, weighs over 200 pounds and has a history of lower-back issues: He walks in and says, simply, "HURT ME."
posted by virago at 12:23 PM on August 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Same here. I'm an unrelaxed middle-aged woman with scoliosis and a desk job, so my shoulders are up around my ears most of the time.
Pilates helps. So does acupressure. But real relief comes from the approach favored by a friend who is 6-feet-2, weighs over 200 pounds and has a history of lower-back issues: He walks in and says, simply, "HURT ME."
posted by virago at 12:23 PM on August 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
I never thought about the sexual component or even that there was one.
If there is a sexual component, you're in the wrong building.
posted by flabdablet at 12:26 PM on August 20, 2015
If there is a sexual component, you're in the wrong building.
posted by flabdablet at 12:26 PM on August 20, 2015
> I would be mortified if that were to come up
mortified
come up
oh my sides
posted by ostranenie at 5:30 PM on August 21, 2015
mortified
come up
oh my sides
posted by ostranenie at 5:30 PM on August 21, 2015
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