“Cheetle” is the official term for the cheese seasoning.

November 20, 2015 12:02 PM

Adrienne Rose Johnson at Buzzfeed: I Tried To Make Cheetos And Discovered That It’s Actually Impossible.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle (92 comments total)

That's because they are doing it wrong and should make Hawkins Cheezies which, given enough Canadian ingenuity, could be made in your kitchen.
posted by clvrmnky at 12:12 PM on November 20, 2015 [9 favorites]

Cheetos are not just an industrially processed food, they are a food that is industrial in its entire conception. There are no artisanal Cheetos not because "artisanal" is a silly word that my spellchecker dislikes, but because the secret of the Cheeto is that it is extruded corn meal puffs. They pop out of the extruder and onto a line where they are fried and then coated with a mixture of oil and cheese dust. You're never ever going to get them right without an assembly line.

Actual Cheeto Process.
posted by graymouser at 12:15 PM on November 20, 2015 [32 favorites]

Should have read this beforehand, I think.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:15 PM on November 20, 2015 [5 favorites]

From splendid table: Crunchy Cheese Puffs.

The cheese powder she uses seems to be simplified from the original, at seattlefoodgeek. I think the citrate would help a lot with the oil loss problem when making the powder.
posted by bonehead at 12:17 PM on November 20, 2015 [3 favorites]

Also I actually prefer the cheese puffs in the crappy snack mix, with the BBQ tortilla chips that taste like vomit, to real Cheetos.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:17 PM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

Cheetos require you to put air into the batter and extrude it. Then the dust is probably the stuff that she baked but then ground into a fine powder. It's literally industrial cheese powder, maltodextrin, msg and some edible acids for preservatives.
posted by Talez at 12:18 PM on November 20, 2015

Cheetos are not just an industrially processed food, they are a food that is industrial in its entire conception.

Yeah, the Cheetos manufacturing process is quite an impressive bit of engineering. Making your own Cheetos would require some very specialized equipment.

How to make cheese puffs at home (closer to Cheetos Puffs than classic Cheetos, but much easier to make).
posted by jedicus at 12:18 PM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

How do the factory workers not inhale cheese dust? Won't that hurt their lungs?
posted by yueliang at 12:19 PM on November 20, 2015 [2 favorites]

Hmm. She should have tried to replicate the far superior, Hawkins Cheezies. Ingredients: Corn meal, soya oil, salt, cheese (Milk ingredients, bacterial culture, salt, calcium chloride and color (contains tartrazine)

Compared to Cheetohs, they are a veritable health food.
posted by nanook at 12:20 PM on November 20, 2015 [5 favorites]

I saw a talk given by the author of the article linked by uncleozzy. She was really interesting and she's got a whole book about this stuff.
posted by benito.strauss at 12:21 PM on November 20, 2015 [2 favorites]

Also also I bought some freeze-dried cheese a few weeks ago at Starbucks when I was super hungry. It was literally just a bag of freeze-dried cheese. It was dry and crunchy, but still felt greasy. It was the damndest thing. I bet you could grind that up, if you didn't heat it up too much.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:22 PM on November 20, 2015 [3 favorites]

Cheez Doodles are better anyway.
posted by Pfardentrott at 12:23 PM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

How do the factory workers not inhale cheese dust? Won't that hurt their lungs?

Because the dust application is probably done by tumbling the finished puffs in a drum of cheese dust. A human is most likely not involved in the process at all.
posted by Talez at 12:25 PM on November 20, 2015 [3 favorites]

I think her results are better characterized as "mediocre hush puppies", which, if you think about it, probably makes them better than cheetos.
posted by indubitable at 12:25 PM on November 20, 2015 [5 favorites]

As a kid, Cheetos were always far too salty for me. I couldn't understand why my grandparents kept them around.

Now I'm 36 and I know why.
posted by infinitewindow at 12:31 PM on November 20, 2015 [5 favorites]

Also the perfect cheese puff is pão de queijo.
posted by infinitewindow at 12:33 PM on November 20, 2015 [10 favorites]

How do the factory workers not inhale cheese dust? Won't that hurt their lungs?

Oh, they do. My dad got the Orange Lung and died at 55. He always told me to get out of that town and make something of myself, and I suppose I did. But I'll never be half the man he was.
posted by officer_fred at 12:34 PM on November 20, 2015 [68 favorites]

I have to admit this article made me feel better about my three failed attempts to make homemade marshmallows. The last try was the best try but they was more like powdered gelatin cubes :S
posted by Calzephyr at 12:36 PM on November 20, 2015

extruded

Yes, and also puffed, which is the important part. The corn meal pops, like popcorn, and turns into a foam, like a styrofoam peanut. Without that you've got corn covered with cheese powder, which might be OK but is far from a Cheeto.

Puffing things in a home kitchen seems like it would be hard to do.
posted by Fnarf at 12:38 PM on November 20, 2015 [4 favorites]

Articles like this only convince me more that J. Kenji Lopez-Alt deserves a MacArthur Genius Grant.
posted by turaho at 12:40 PM on November 20, 2015 [3 favorites]

It's really well-done advertising all around

Given that it's not also positioning itself as "serious journalism," I'm inclined to agree. If you want to increase brand awareness without coming off as deeply uncool, this is probably the right way to do it.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:40 PM on November 20, 2015

Americans Have No Idea What They’re Doing With Ketchup

I know exactly what I'm doing with ketchup.

I am putting the small cup of it that you put on my plate as far on the other side of the table as possible, but I am still aware of its presence, and I am glaring at you on the inside for bringing it in the first place.
posted by Wolfdog at 12:41 PM on November 20, 2015 [16 favorites]

I eat Cheetos puffs with a bamboo skewer to keep the magic cheese dust (Cheetle!!! Good to know) from staining my fingers orange & it's fun to stab your snack foods. That's how classy people eat cheesy poofs, fyi.
posted by lurkElongtime at 12:43 PM on November 20, 2015 [10 favorites]

We did it everyone!
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:44 PM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

Here's some science-y cooking. Apparently if you carefully dry a starch paste until it is 12-14% water, then break it into pieces and fry them, they'll puff just like a Cheeto (as the water turns to steam). Sounds hard.
posted by Fnarf at 12:45 PM on November 20, 2015

I have to admit this article made me feel better about my three failed attempts to make homemade marshmallows

Homemade marshmallows can take a little practice, but they're worth it (depending on the recipe). They have a more delicate, springy texture than commercial ones, plus you can shape, dye, and flavor them however you want, including subbing alcoholic liquids for the water—just be careful of the alcohol going flambé on you. This is my favorite recipe.
posted by jedicus at 12:46 PM on November 20, 2015 [9 favorites]

I eat Cheetos puffs with a bamboo skewer


Philistine.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:47 PM on November 20, 2015 [4 favorites]

"artisanal" is a silly word that my spellchecker dislikes

Art is anal extruded corn puffs.
posted by Vulgar Euphemism at 12:47 PM on November 20, 2015 [18 favorites]

A few summers ago, my wife and I passed a Kraft factory right off the highway. As we often do, we mused about what they make there. Now that we all are connected to super networks of knowledge, I had to find out as we drove by at 70 miles per hour.

Turns out, it's the largest factory turning out spray dried cheese products, aka Mac and Cheese powder.

I suppose Cheetle is probably also spray dried.
posted by advicepig at 12:48 PM on November 20, 2015 [2 favorites]

Cheetle? The word is residoodle.
posted by sourwookie at 12:49 PM on November 20, 2015 [8 favorites]

Philistine that I am, chopsticks require waayyyy too much effort for cheesy poofs. The pointy end of the skewer is key for maximum cheesy poof munching enjoyment.
posted by lurkElongtime at 12:53 PM on November 20, 2015

Then, every four hours, a four-person panel convenes to inspect and taste the snacks, comparing them to perfect reference Cheetos sent from Frito-Lay headquarters.

Yes, but where does Frito-Lay HQ get these Platonic Cheetos? My money's on a Slurm Queen scenario.
posted by zamboni at 12:55 PM on November 20, 2015 [18 favorites]

Think Chester and a giant litter box.
posted by zamboni at 12:57 PM on November 20, 2015 [3 favorites]

I'm pretty sure a residoodle is just the trendy name for a pine tree / poodle mix.
posted by Wolfdog at 12:57 PM on November 20, 2015 [9 favorites]

residoodle--isn't that the stuff that BP used to clean up the Gulf of Mexico?
posted by infinitewindow at 12:58 PM on November 20, 2015

Yes, but where does Frito-Lay HQ get these Platonic Cheetos?

NIST
posted by indubitable at 12:59 PM on November 20, 2015 [9 favorites]

It's like a listicle and an advertorial had a baby
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:00 PM on November 20, 2015 [5 favorites]

The puffs are not sprayed or tumbled. They are conveyed, in a continuous-intermittence device not totally unrelated to the gate of a movie camera, through tiny dressing rooms in which, one by one, they...
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
Don Cheetle.
(⌐■_■)
YYEEEEEAH!!!
posted by Mister Moofoo at 1:00 PM on November 20, 2015 [26 favorites]

Then, every four hours, a four-person panel convenes to inspect and taste the snacks, comparing them to perfect reference Cheetos sent from Frito-Lay headquarters

Shouldn't the perfect reference Cheeto be kept in Paris, with the meter and kilogram?
posted by thelonius at 1:03 PM on November 20, 2015 [11 favorites]

Residoodle is what you find in Ned Flander's boxers garments after he has a sinful dream.
posted by Vulgar Euphemism at 1:05 PM on November 20, 2015 [4 favorites]

It's really well-done advertising all around

Last night's episode of South Park is really timely for this sort of sponsored content (really this whole season has been a tour de force)
posted by T.D. Strange at 1:09 PM on November 20, 2015

Alas, if she hadn't had to do this dreadful advertisement, she could have made gougères AND cheese straws and compared them both to Cheetos over a couple of beers with time to spare.
posted by hollyholly at 1:16 PM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

“Cheetle” is the official term for the cheese seasoning.

Huh. I think they actually plagiarized Sniglets (1984) to come up with that.
posted by mudpuppie at 1:23 PM on November 20, 2015 [5 favorites]

(My point being that "cheedle" was one of the original Sniglets. Cheedle: The orange residue left on your fingers after eating Cheetos.)
posted by mudpuppie at 1:24 PM on November 20, 2015

Homemade marshmallows can take a little practice, but they're worth it

I learned to make marshmallows from NPR. It's all NPR's fault.
posted by bentley at 1:25 PM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

(My point being that "cheedle" was one of the original Sniglets. Cheedle: The orange residue left on your fingers after eating Cheetos.)

It is like the curious tale of the thagomizer (which is itself the curious tail of the stegosaurus).
posted by ricochet biscuit at 1:28 PM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

residoodle

Cheesidue, surely?
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:35 PM on November 20, 2015 [2 favorites]

Oh, they do. My dad got the Orange Lung and died at 55. He always told me to get out of that town and make something of myself, and I suppose I did. But I'll never be half the man he was.

I shouldn't laugh so much but I had to spend an entire English Literature class learning about 1910s poverty. This is way too funny.
posted by yueliang at 1:35 PM on November 20, 2015

Can I just take a moment to note that the half-the-fat baked cheetos are FUCKING AWESOME?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:36 PM on November 20, 2015 [4 favorites]

While I agree that this is cleverly integrated advertising, it sort of reflects for me how product placement is pretty true to life. Media--including this article--would actually look weirder without product placement, because real humans use brand-name products constantly. I don't go to the convenience store to grab generic cheese puffs; when I want Cheetos, I want Cheetos.

I also agree that popcorn with cheese powder is a very good way to satisfy the craving. Add smoked paprika to get something highly reminiscent of Jalapeño Cheddar Cheetos, which are my favorite Cheetos.
posted by capricorn at 1:36 PM on November 20, 2015

Isn't Buzzfeed supposed to disclose when a posting is actually an ad? I thought they generally labeled those as "partner" content, though I can't find a good example right now. But I don't see any indication on this page that it's paid for.
posted by Mothlight at 1:40 PM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

For a good example of "weirder without the product placement", see the unintentionally-hilarious generic sleeves they put on branded products in Chopped (a show I watch entirely too much of. What can I say? Food Network marathons it on Thursday nights). Apparently there is even a Sporcle quiz based entirely on the fact that everyone knows exactly what the actual product is.
posted by capricorn at 1:42 PM on November 20, 2015 [3 favorites]

I'm waking up in Cheeto dust
My belly's covered with pizza crust
I'm really inactive, I'm so inactive
I'm really inactive, highly inactive...
posted by Melismata at 1:52 PM on November 20, 2015 [4 favorites]

It's another really good example of what this post is about! Heinz and Kraft are the same company, so it's in their interest to encourage readers to consume the other if they're already consuming one.

Well, the mac/cheese/ketchup combo is a nobrainer also in parts of the world where the equivalent of Mac and Cheese is something you make yourself, and the ketchup is produced by a local company founded by a guy that fled from the nazis. Whatever made Buzzfeed write about it, it's not something invented by the marketing arm of a newly formed conglomerate.
posted by effbot at 1:56 PM on November 20, 2015

Uh, sorry to put a wet blanket on the Orange Lung jokes, but this sort of thing is actually a thing: Flavorings-Related Lung Disease
posted by threeants at 1:59 PM on November 20, 2015 [11 favorites]

Now do Wise Cheez Doodles (the true platonic cheese puff)
posted by ardgedee at 2:01 PM on November 20, 2015

Oh, they do. My dad got the Orange Lung and died at 55. He always told me to get out of that town and make something of myself, and I suppose I did. But I'll never be half the man he was.

Popcorn lung/flavorings-related lung disease: not quite as funny.
posted by zamboni at 2:03 PM on November 20, 2015 [3 favorites]

Thank god there are captains of industry bravely holding up the twin pillars of emulsification and extrusion while louche writers gad about ineffectually in their kitchens, cooking up only fleeting entertainments instead of reliable corn-based snack foods.
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:14 PM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

There was a really good episode of the 99% Invisible podcast recently which discussed how the US Military develops a good portion of processed food technology in the interest of making combat rations last longer and taste better.

The technology is passed to the commercial food industry so that the techniques take root and, if necessary, can be reappropriated by the government in wartime.

Processed cheese powder is one of the offspring of this process.
posted by JoeZydeco at 2:18 PM on November 20, 2015 [4 favorites]

It's like a listicle and an advertorial had a baby

17 Things All Aughts Kids Remember About Pepsi Blue
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:38 PM on November 20, 2015 [2 favorites]

I don't go to the convenience store to grab generic cheese puffs

And even if you did, they're not really "generic". They have brand names, just not THAT brand name. There really aren't generic products on supermarket shelves anymore (remember "BEER" beer?), even if the brand is just Western Family, President's Choice, or whatever. Which just makes your point about people using brands in real life even more correct.
posted by Fnarf at 2:42 PM on November 20, 2015

I'd guess any Metafilter Record I might wish to contend for would be invalidated by the fact I chose to consume the 'natural food' shamelessly near-exact copy of Cheetos, called Bearitos (which I did primarily because they're gluten-free and the only fat they contain is corn oil), but I ate ~500 6oz bags of the things in a twelve month period a few years ago.

During that year our monthly Bearitos bill was never less than $100. The obsession flamed out very abruptly a year to the week after it started, and I haven't been troubled by the slightest desire for any in the half-decade since. It kind of surprises me that this thread has left that status unaltered.

I was also obsessed with 3-egg, ham, cheese, tomato, and avocado omelettes during that year, and averaged almost two a day.
posted by jamjam at 2:43 PM on November 20, 2015 [8 favorites]

"Perfect Reference Cheetos" is the name of my next band.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:50 PM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

I like the crunchy whatever-it-is texture of Cheetos but don't like the cheese powder. Is there a knock-off brand that has some flavor other than "cheese"?
posted by straight at 2:51 PM on November 20, 2015

Thank you, hal_c_on!

I'll tell my partner you said that, and maybe it will make her feel a little better at having had to lock the reserve supply in her car to keep me from eating even more of them -- but I suppose I shouldn't count on that.
posted by jamjam at 2:56 PM on November 20, 2015

It's like a listicle and an advertorial had a baby

phony Cheetlemania has bitten the dust
posted by Existential Dread at 3:11 PM on November 20, 2015 [14 favorites]

It's like a listicle and an advertorial had a baby

a delicious cheez dust extruded baby
posted by poffin boffin at 3:27 PM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

I like the crunchy whatever-it-is texture of Cheetos but don't like the cheese powder. Is there a knock-off brand that has some flavor other than "cheese"?

Here you go.
posted by mudpuppie at 3:35 PM on November 20, 2015 [10 favorites]

I think mudpuppie is probably joking but I totally eat those peanuts occasionally. They kind of taste like Communion wafers.
posted by sciatrix at 3:47 PM on November 20, 2015 [6 favorites]

On a more serious note, here's some veggie-n-potato powder extruded puffs. Cheeto-ish texture, fewer monosodium glutamate esque chemical additives, no cheese powder.
posted by Existential Dread at 3:56 PM on November 20, 2015

Giant plastic barrel of Utz or go home!
posted by jason_steakums at 4:00 PM on November 20, 2015 [3 favorites]

"Phalancheese"
posted by Windopaene at 4:33 PM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]

Then, every four hours, a four-person panel convenes to inspect and taste the snacks, comparing them to perfect reference Cheetos sent from Frito-Lay headquarters.

HQ just has a crate of regular old Cheetos that they pick through, selecting the nicest looking ones, and send these out. It is all a scam, and Cheetos are in a gradual fall into corruption from the Golden Age of perfection.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:04 PM on November 20, 2015

How do they pick the reference Cheetos? Who references the referencers?
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 5:49 PM on November 20, 2015

I like the crunchy whatever-it-is texture of Cheetos but don't like the cheese powder. Is there a knock-off brand that has some flavor other than "cheese"?

Try Pirate's Booty or the Trader Joe's knockoff.
posted by rhizome at 5:51 PM on November 20, 2015

I see the big clear plastic barrels of Utz brand cheeze spheres in the grocery store sometimes (not always, they are not always there) and the way that the florescent light hits the neon orange spheres and the bright neon purple top is something that is, I think, a thing that would drive an artist to paint or a wordsman to write a poem. They clearly have put a lot of time and money down at Utz HQ into making the perfect combination of color. Scientists, probably, stood around with clipboards and bad ties and refractometers and tired coffee and measured and measured and metered out the perfect purple.

The little Utz girl beckons from the label and I'm like $6.00 for cheezies no thank you. Thank you though, Utz. Thank you for this perfect vision.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 6:21 PM on November 20, 2015 [6 favorites]

Thanks for the recommendations, except I forgot to mention I was looking for something like the crunchy cheetos, not the puffy ones.

Are those crunchy ones extruded puffs that are deep fried or something? Or do they have a different manufacturing process altogether?
posted by straight at 6:42 PM on November 20, 2015

Bright orange Utz balls in the convenient giant clear containers! A staple at Star Markets everywhere! And something my wife has vowed great harm over should I ever attempt to bring one home.
posted by adamg at 7:11 PM on November 20, 2015

If there’s one thing Canadians know, it’s that ketchup and Kraft Dinner were made for each other.

What fresh hell is this?
posted by Thorzdad at 7:58 PM on November 20, 2015 [2 favorites]

Metafilter: A human is most likely not involved in the process at all.
posted by Wet Spot at 9:44 PM on November 20, 2015

I like the crunchy whatever-it-is texture of Cheetos but don't like the cheese powder. Is there a knock-off brand that has some flavor other than "cheese"?

Bamba, the Israeli peanut puff.
posted by zamboni at 9:49 PM on November 20, 2015 [3 favorites]

No, no, no, you've got it all wrong. The cheese seasoning is the actual Cheetos product. You've be eating the styrofoam packaging it's shipped in.
posted by aubilenon at 12:25 AM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

There was a local bar/restaurant that had deep fried cheese curds dusted with corn meal on their bar menu. Those things were the closest thing to "real" cheetos I've ever had.
posted by fiercekitten at 12:27 AM on November 21, 2015

I worked on the industrial machinery for Frito Lay involved with low oil infusion during the extrusion process. It was pretty smelly in the lab for a while, and I remember coming home from work smelling like I had just cleaned out the grease traps from a restaurant. Super fun!
posted by Nanukthedog at 5:51 AM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

If you specifically want the cheeto texture without the cheese flavor, chicken Twisties (or any of the odder limited flavors) fit the bill. Good luck finding them in the US.
posted by zamboni at 5:55 AM on November 21, 2015

I Tried To Make Cheetos And Discovered That It’s Actually Impossible Cheese by the Foot Instead.

I don't like Cheetos, and I didn't find the homemade Cheetos saga that interesting, but that Cheese by the Foot is hilarious. I don't know how she managed to stay on track making Cheetos at that point in the story, instead of immediately smushing the whole batch of rubbery cheese stuff onto some parchment paper, rolling it up, and cutting it into little segments to give to unsuspecting friends and family.
posted by gueneverey at 7:59 AM on November 21, 2015

mudpuppie: "I think they actually plagiarized Sniglets (1984) to come up with that."

I think there is an implied licence when it comes to using dictionary definitions.
posted by Mitheral at 8:26 AM on November 21, 2015

Greg Nog, that woman's extruder is very similar to the Spritz cookie press that my Mom used. Her spritzes were just one closed circle with the same diameter star-shaped front plate as that woman used. It gives the stiff-ish dough an irregular and broken surface that made her cookies very crisp and would provide lots of cheese powder holding spots for artisanal cheetos. (In fact I was thinking of that press when the woman in the article was trying to figure out how to shape her dough.)
posted by benito.strauss at 8:42 AM on November 21, 2015

Nik Naks are the UK equivalent, and come in all manner of delicious flavours. I miss them, but jalapeno Cheetos are a damn good substitute.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 11:24 AM on November 21, 2015

Lots of starch things puff up when deep fried. You can get a similar result by deep-frying rice noodles, for instance, and I've done that to make a garnish for curry laksa. I suspect that if you soaked rice noodles in something yummy/umami and then re-dried them you'd end up with a pretty good homemade snack food.
posted by Joe in Australia at 2:05 PM on November 21, 2015

At Chinese supermarkets, you can get bags of raw shrimp chips (prawn crackers) to make at home. When they're raw, they're smooth, thin, and transparent, like poker chips or bits of plastic. Then you deep-fry them, and they puff up into crunchy, mildly shrimp-flavored chips, like delicious greasy pieces of styrofoam.

Here's a before-and-after and here's a video about making them from scratch out of shrimp and tapioca flour.
posted by ectabo at 4:12 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

During that year our monthly Bearitos bill was never less than $100.

If a novel began with this sentence, I would read it.
posted by krinklyfig at 11:48 AM on November 22, 2015 [9 favorites]