“Rooms full of fifth-graders always want to know if I’m married.”
April 27, 2016 11:38 AM Subscribe
Why I Came Out As A Gay Children’s Book Author by Alexander London [Buzzfeed] “What happens if I tell the truth about why I’m not married? What happens if I reveal this part of myself? Does my career in children’s books end? Will teachers and parents look at me askance? Ban my books? Run me out of town as some kind of creep trying to “recruit” or pushing a “gay agenda”? Will I never be invited to another school again?”
The kids are, quite literally, alright.
posted by dazed_one at 12:06 PM on April 27, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by dazed_one at 12:06 PM on April 27, 2016 [10 favorites]
Sometimes, in those audiences, eyes would light up, tiny smiles creeping at the edges of a 13-year-old’s mouth.
Shit. For some reason, that line got me.
I don't think I met a gay man (whom I knew was gay) until I was at least 18; homosexuality was a thing never spoken of at home or at church or at school.
I'm trying to imagine what my face would have looked like if I were the boy the writer describes. My face would have been, I think, a mask, that particular mask that gay boys learn to wear which is two-sided: everyone else sees the mask and you, too, see only the mask when you look at yourself, interiorly.
But I can also imagine that there might have been such a tiny smile on the edge of my mouth.
posted by tivalasvegas at 12:32 PM on April 27, 2016 [15 favorites]
Shit. For some reason, that line got me.
I don't think I met a gay man (whom I knew was gay) until I was at least 18; homosexuality was a thing never spoken of at home or at church or at school.
I'm trying to imagine what my face would have looked like if I were the boy the writer describes. My face would have been, I think, a mask, that particular mask that gay boys learn to wear which is two-sided: everyone else sees the mask and you, too, see only the mask when you look at yourself, interiorly.
But I can also imagine that there might have been such a tiny smile on the edge of my mouth.
posted by tivalasvegas at 12:32 PM on April 27, 2016 [15 favorites]
When I first read the headline, I thought London was an author of gay children's books, rather than a gay author of children's books. My first thought was --- wow, that's a full time gig now!
Two seconds later I figured it out, but I still enjoy my initial reading.
posted by layceepee at 12:33 PM on April 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
Two seconds later I figured it out, but I still enjoy my initial reading.
posted by layceepee at 12:33 PM on April 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
He sounds lovely and I'm going to look at those books for my kids. I make sure to strategically but incidentally come out to all of my classes (I mostly teach 17-20 year olds). I generally do it later in the semester by dropping a line about how my wife did this or that. By that point the students know me well, have heard about my kids (which makes me read as straight to many people) and this is one last snippet of information to fit into the rest that I've been doling out.
I didn't use to make such a point of it but with suicides what they are at some point it felt important to be clear and open, if only in passing (heh). I came out in one class a couple of days ago and one student anabashedly turned about and whacked his buddy on the shoulder as if to say "I knew it". The rest didn't seem to bat an eye.
posted by Cuke at 1:21 PM on April 27, 2016 [7 favorites]
I didn't use to make such a point of it but with suicides what they are at some point it felt important to be clear and open, if only in passing (heh). I came out in one class a couple of days ago and one student anabashedly turned about and whacked his buddy on the shoulder as if to say "I knew it". The rest didn't seem to bat an eye.
posted by Cuke at 1:21 PM on April 27, 2016 [7 favorites]
My favorite line: "Some of the boys told me I should be ashamed of myself…for liking the New York Jets. They weren’t wrong."
I remember a friend of mine being the first person I knew was gay in high school. He was the only person who was out in a school of ~800. About two years later, there were freshmen who were coming out of the closet. I'm not going to say that they would have stayed closeted if he hadn't come out (it was the late 90's when bigotry towards gay people was finally getting the side-eye), but I suspect that it really helped.
This isn't the situation these days. But it's not like there isn't a large part of the country who still dislike/hate/pretend not to hate while being assholes and bigots gay people. So good on him for going out there and good on all the others who work with kids (educators, librarians, writers, etc.) are out.
posted by Hactar at 1:57 PM on April 27, 2016
I remember a friend of mine being the first person I knew was gay in high school. He was the only person who was out in a school of ~800. About two years later, there were freshmen who were coming out of the closet. I'm not going to say that they would have stayed closeted if he hadn't come out (it was the late 90's when bigotry towards gay people was finally getting the side-eye), but I suspect that it really helped.
This isn't the situation these days. But it's not like there isn't a large part of the country who still dislike/hate/pretend not to hate while being assholes and bigots gay people. So good on him for going out there and good on all the others who work with kids (educators, librarians, writers, etc.) are out.
posted by Hactar at 1:57 PM on April 27, 2016
I'm not familiar with his work, but this is a great essay - and it reminded me of what I owe to Deborah Ellis for being this person for me.
I was an eighteen-year-old baby butch when she came to visit my high school in a rural town of 5000. I was back for my senior year after doing correspondence school for two years to escape harassment that had escalated to a shove down the stairs. Marriage equality was on the verge of happening in my province, but I had knowingly met exactly zero LGBT adults in my life. I was poised to get out of that small town and go to university in a major city halfway across the country, but I had no real conception of what a future for myself could look like.
Ms. Ellis talked to me, and listened to me, and wrote a very kind inscription in my copy of The Breadwinner - a book that has come many places with me over the last fourteen years. I'm sure it was nothing memorable for her, no more than the small talk and general encouragement she's offered to hundreds or thousands of other young people, but just being there - being herself - was a source of light I really needed in that moment.
It looks like just back in 2014, she talked about her own experience with school presentations here: http://www.ekristinanderson.com/?p=9467
posted by northernish at 3:17 PM on April 27, 2016 [9 favorites]
I was an eighteen-year-old baby butch when she came to visit my high school in a rural town of 5000. I was back for my senior year after doing correspondence school for two years to escape harassment that had escalated to a shove down the stairs. Marriage equality was on the verge of happening in my province, but I had knowingly met exactly zero LGBT adults in my life. I was poised to get out of that small town and go to university in a major city halfway across the country, but I had no real conception of what a future for myself could look like.
Ms. Ellis talked to me, and listened to me, and wrote a very kind inscription in my copy of The Breadwinner - a book that has come many places with me over the last fourteen years. I'm sure it was nothing memorable for her, no more than the small talk and general encouragement she's offered to hundreds or thousands of other young people, but just being there - being herself - was a source of light I really needed in that moment.
It looks like just back in 2014, she talked about her own experience with school presentations here: http://www.ekristinanderson.com/?p=9467
posted by northernish at 3:17 PM on April 27, 2016 [9 favorites]
This is what I said on Facebook about this:
And that is why I'm out (and so very lucky that I work in a place where it is safe for me to be out). Because the more times my students hear me say something about "my wife", the more it becomes commonplace and the more they realize that they can be happy with whomever they happen to love. Because the more times my doctor's office hears "my wife" the more normalized it becomes and the less likely someone is to question her if she needs to make health decisions for me (though my doctor now is awesome and we have no problems). Because if folks know that I walk the dog and buy milk and do homework and drink too much caffeine, and oh yea, my amazing awesome funny loving ex-military ex-law enforcement loyal loves board games loved my mother loves me is great with my family spouse happens to be female, that breeds tolerance which breeds acceptance which sometimes breeds love. When we're lucky.
So.
My sister, the weekend of my mother's recent funeral, pulled my wife's girlfriend (well, "best friend" for the weekend, we've been slowly coming out to family members) aside and said that she felt like I was shoving my relationship with my wife in "the old folk's faces". Well, my sister's husband was in the receiving line, so my options were 1) leave my wife out [not an option] 2) introduce her as "this is my, um, friend" [insulting to everyone's intelligence and my mother's spirit, my mother adored my wife] and 3) shake everyone's hand and say "and this is my wife, Wife". Which is what I did.
You know what all the "old folks" did? Shook my wife's hand and said that they were glad to meet her and they were sorry for her loss. I'm sure some folks tutted in private, but no one did to our face. Exposure breeds normalcy breeds acceptance, sometimes. Now I just need to deal with my sister, who also blamed me for my uncle being a homophobic asshole. (Yes, I'm seeing a counselor.)
Anyhow, thanks for the link. This was a great read.
posted by joycehealy at 4:02 PM on April 27, 2016 [16 favorites]
And that is why I'm out (and so very lucky that I work in a place where it is safe for me to be out). Because the more times my students hear me say something about "my wife", the more it becomes commonplace and the more they realize that they can be happy with whomever they happen to love. Because the more times my doctor's office hears "my wife" the more normalized it becomes and the less likely someone is to question her if she needs to make health decisions for me (though my doctor now is awesome and we have no problems). Because if folks know that I walk the dog and buy milk and do homework and drink too much caffeine, and oh yea, my amazing awesome funny loving ex-military ex-law enforcement loyal loves board games loved my mother loves me is great with my family spouse happens to be female, that breeds tolerance which breeds acceptance which sometimes breeds love. When we're lucky.
So.
My sister, the weekend of my mother's recent funeral, pulled my wife's girlfriend (well, "best friend" for the weekend, we've been slowly coming out to family members) aside and said that she felt like I was shoving my relationship with my wife in "the old folk's faces". Well, my sister's husband was in the receiving line, so my options were 1) leave my wife out [not an option] 2) introduce her as "this is my, um, friend" [insulting to everyone's intelligence and my mother's spirit, my mother adored my wife] and 3) shake everyone's hand and say "and this is my wife, Wife". Which is what I did.
You know what all the "old folks" did? Shook my wife's hand and said that they were glad to meet her and they were sorry for her loss. I'm sure some folks tutted in private, but no one did to our face. Exposure breeds normalcy breeds acceptance, sometimes. Now I just need to deal with my sister, who also blamed me for my uncle being a homophobic asshole. (Yes, I'm seeing a counselor.)
Anyhow, thanks for the link. This was a great read.
posted by joycehealy at 4:02 PM on April 27, 2016 [16 favorites]
The thing they don't always tell you is how good coming out can feel. You never stop doing it, but if you're in a place where you feel supported and settled and happy, it can be a very different feeling than that first-time pit-in-the-stomach feeling. Once you get to this place of poise and grace, a lot of people (especially kids) take your cue. Especially the kids who really, really need to hear it.
Anyway, thank you for posting this, and thank you to him for doing what he's doing.
posted by you're a kitty! at 8:33 PM on April 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
Anyway, thank you for posting this, and thank you to him for doing what he's doing.
posted by you're a kitty! at 8:33 PM on April 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
You know what all the "old folks" did? Shook my wife's hand and said that they were glad to meet her and they were sorry for her loss.
Yup. The old folks are sometimes also all right.
I remember my uncle coming to get me at my friend's house where we had tea with them--two moms and their kid -- before he took me to my brothers wedding shower (at his soon to be sister in law's house where she was hosting with her wife and kids) and my uncle just checked in with me quietly to make sure he understood correctly these were all lesbians with kids. I said "yes" he said "hmm" and then did exactly as you do when you are a guest -- was polite and had a lovely time meeting some friends and family that were important to his neice and nephew.
Being raised to be polite has a lot of benefits. You get to make more friends that way.
posted by chapps at 11:48 PM on April 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
Yup. The old folks are sometimes also all right.
I remember my uncle coming to get me at my friend's house where we had tea with them--two moms and their kid -- before he took me to my brothers wedding shower (at his soon to be sister in law's house where she was hosting with her wife and kids) and my uncle just checked in with me quietly to make sure he understood correctly these were all lesbians with kids. I said "yes" he said "hmm" and then did exactly as you do when you are a guest -- was polite and had a lovely time meeting some friends and family that were important to his neice and nephew.
Being raised to be polite has a lot of benefits. You get to make more friends that way.
posted by chapps at 11:48 PM on April 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
He's actually Metafilter's own C. Alexander London, and his books are all a lot of fun (my favorites are the Navel Twins series)
Hey, a fiendish thingy, I was in that same theatre troupe!
posted by jrb223 at 9:10 AM on April 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
Hey, a fiendish thingy, I was in that same theatre troupe!
posted by jrb223 at 9:10 AM on April 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
Y'all are wonderful. I haven't been on MetaFilter in ages but what a wonderful way to come back. Thanks for the support and for those of you who shared your stories above, thanks for that too. This is how it gets better. We make it better one truth at a time. (also, what a crazy place to have a digital college shakespeare troupe reunion!!)
posted by cal71 at 9:15 AM on April 28, 2016 [16 favorites]
posted by cal71 at 9:15 AM on April 28, 2016 [16 favorites]
Knife game. Go.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 9:17 AM on April 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by a fiendish thingy at 9:17 AM on April 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
It's a great essay, cal71! I came away happier about the world. :)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:21 AM on April 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:21 AM on April 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I love when worlds collide, so many wonderful MeFites out there. Thanks for your essay. It was honest and heartfelt.
posted by Fizz at 12:11 PM on April 28, 2016
posted by Fizz at 12:11 PM on April 28, 2016
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Classrooms of children who get to hear him speak are lucky ducks, basically.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 11:43 AM on April 27, 2016 [6 favorites]