A League of Colón

July 19, 2016 4:28 PM

One man's journey to discover what the MLB would be like if every single player on every single team was Mets pitcher Bartolo Colón.
posted by burgerrr (16 comments total)

I remember back when he was The Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim)'s Roberto Colon and the Los Angeles Times seemed to be repressing a giggle every time they did a sports headline with just his last name. I was a fan of the Angels as far back as when Nolan Ryan was the team's only star player, and my reaction to both pitchers' departure to other teams felt like a stab in the back, not by the players, but by the team. Hell's Angels (of Anaheim).
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:05 PM on July 19, 2016

mwhybark shared a nice Bartolo Colon experience in the previous thread about him.
posted by LobsterMitten at 5:10 PM on July 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

My favorite detail is that the only walk occurred in the first game of the season.
posted by kevinbelt at 5:18 PM on July 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

"I always wonder, are there 15 years worth of baseballs hidden around with designs all over them?"
posted by clorox at 5:19 PM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'm going to go RTFA now, I promise, but I already know in advance that for sheer entertainment value alone, a league full of Bartolo Colons would be glorious.
posted by rokusan at 5:30 PM on July 19, 2016

Needs more Colón.
posted by blob at 5:48 PM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

And Jon Bois saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good.

[post title is icing on the cake, burgerrr]
posted by stinkfoot at 5:50 PM on July 19, 2016 [6 favorites]

I read this the other day and it is one of my favorite recent internet things. Everything about it is perfect.

Colón is life.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:52 PM on July 19, 2016

I was just trying to figure out why this struck me as a pale imitation of Breaking Madden. The team partisanship maybe?
posted by supercres at 5:52 PM on July 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

Clearly unrealistic. When the 40-man rosters are active, that means we're supposed to believe that 80 Bartolo Colóns can fit into Wrigley Field. The Special Relativity Theory suggests 62 as a theoretical maximum.
posted by delfin at 6:21 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

I'm not sorry. This is Bartolo Baseball. This is what it would be like if everyone was Bartolo Colon. We needed this; we needed to find out. 63-inning games and no walks at all, ever, that's what it would be like. I did this for us, and I did it because Bartolo Colon is awesome and we really do need more of him.

This is delightful and I laughed loud and long. Bartolo Colón may be the only thing that'll get me to play a baseball video game.
posted by asperity at 6:54 PM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

(excellent title, burgerrr. thanks for the h/t, LM.)
posted by mwhybark at 7:20 PM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

The takeway I'm getting from this is that the Phillies are gonna be the Phillies, even when every Phillie is Bartolo Colon.
posted by SansPoint at 8:06 PM on July 19, 2016

This is what happens when you give baseball a Colónic.
posted by vorpal bunny at 8:33 PM on July 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

God, I needed that.

"The Home Run Derby is a gorgeous, magnificent atrocity."
--
"Here, for your pleasure now, is the image of Bartolo Colon holding up a Home Run Derby trophy..."
--
"There was not a single stolen base attempted by anyone in the entire season, probably because the Bartolo Colons are actually smart."
--
"Here is a gif of the Washington National Bartolo Colons celebrating on Citi Field turf because everything is terrible and God is dead."
--
"I did this for us, and I did it because Bartolo Colon is awesome and we really do need more of him. "

I'm still giggling...
posted by dfm500 at 11:10 PM on July 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

This is wonderful and cheers me up amid a heat wave and the general collapse of civilization. Thank you for the post.
posted by languagehat at 8:47 AM on July 20, 2016 [2 favorites]